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Full text of "Punch"

Victoria R'S" 

COLLECTION 

OF VICTORIAN BOOKS 

AT 

BRIGHAM YOUNG 

UNIVERSITY 




BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY 



THE ' 

1SITY 
PROVO, UTAH 



3 1197 23001 2491 






Digitized by the Internet Archive 
in 2012 with funding from 
Brigham Young University 



http://archive.org/details/punch52lemo 



it 



v. 5^ 




LONDON : 
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 



AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 

1867. 



THE LIBRARY 
BRIGHAM YCl NG UNIVERSITY 

T'A r r 



LONDON 
BFAT.BCKV, BVAH8, AND CO., PniKTERS, WBITEFMAKB. 



UPB 



June 29, 1867.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



m 




" F) Y Corona Borealis et Corona Australis," said Mr. Punch, lajing down the gorgeously artistic description by his 
-L' friend William Howard Russell, of the Hungarian Coronation, " / will be crowned. I wonder I never thought 
of it before. That's my modesty again. But I dare say the Universe expects it of me, and is afraid to say so. I 
will be crowned." 

" Who is worthy to do it ? " said Mrs. Punch, indignantly. 

" Asked like a dutiful and adoring wife," said her Lord. " Take this cheque and buy yourself the biggest 
diamond in London." 

" I have it already," said Mrs. Punch, blushing. " I have you." 

" That is true," said Mr. Punch. " Send the cheque to Mrs. Gladstone, for her admirable Convalescent 
.iospital, with my best wishes that many may do likewise. Who is worthy ? H'm. Yes, I know who. But I must 
consult authorities. What says Mr. Vincent, able editor of Haydn ? " 

" The first coronation he mentions," said Mrs. Punch, " was that of Majorianus, 457." 

" Who the deuce was Majorianus ? " said Mr. Punch. " I know no more of history than Serjeant Gaselee 
does of geography." 

" I think I remember reading about him in my Gibbon," said Mrs. Punch. " He was gentle to his subjects, 
terrible to his enemies, and he excelled in every virtue, Procopius says," added the docta conjux. 

" He might have been describing me," said Mr. Punch. 

" Nay," said his wife, " at least I should be more copious than Procopius, with you for a theme." 

" Best of women," replied Mr. Punch, " more authorities. Look into Charles Knight." 

" I remember what he says," said Mrs. Punch, modestly. " The Saxon Sovereigns were crowned at Kingston. 
upon-Thames." 

" Not a bad place. They went over to Richmond afterwards, I suppose, and dined at the Star and Garter." 

" I think," said Mrs. Punch, hesitatingly, " that the Order was instituted rather later." 

" So much the worse for the Saxon kings. Well ? " 

" The ceremony of anointing was first used here in 872." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Junk 29, 1867. 



" I '11 have none of that. 
he sang out lustily — 



Did I ever sing you Dr. Maginn's song on William the Fourth's crowning ? " And 

" 1 suppose all was right tliat Will Howlet has done, 

That for oiliDg the king he has warrant divine, 
But when I am the Primate, as sure as a gun 

I shall hallow my King with a flagon of wine. 
And let nobody think that a drop of the drink 

On head or on bosom away I shall fling, 
No, bemitred I '11 stand, with the cup in my hand, 

And 1 '11 cry, ' Here, you beggars, three cheers for your king ! ' 

" As for kissing the girls " 

" My dear Lord," said Mrs. Punch, " consider the neighbours." 

" I do. I consider them fools, as Luther says, if they don't like song, especially mine. Anything else ? " 

" The Coronation Oath " 

" By George, by Jove, by jingo, and by gum," as another great bard wrote, " I '11 have no oaths. They hamper 
a sovereign. Even that windbag, King Turveydrop, was troubled by his oath — to be sure he could not understand it." 

" The Liber- Begalis has been, since Edward the Third, the authority for coronation business here," said Mrs. 
Punch. " It is kept with religious care in the archives of the Dean and Chapter of Westminster." 

" Write to Dean Stanley and ask him, with my regards, to send it me hy the Parcels Delivery Company." 

" You will fiud its essence in Strutt, dear." 

" Yes, I believe the essence of a coronation is in strut, dear," said Mr. Punch, laughing riotously. 

That night he had a dream. It came through the gate of horn. He beheld himself, like the King of Hungary 
bestriding a magnificent steed, which stood on a mound composed of earth contributed by the four quarters of the 
World. In fact, it was the World itself. And in his right hand was something which was not the Hungarian Sword, 
but a mightier weapon. It was the Punch Pen ! And gazing forth with Hon courage and eagle keenness upon creation, 
he waved with his Sword-Pen at the four points of the compass, and at each wave a Humbug howled and fell. And 
the loyal cheers of innumerable and unseen crowds went up to the firmament. 

Suddenly there was a dead silence. Then the silver trumpet voice of the Emperor of the World was heard : 

" There was but one worthy to crown me. I have crowned myself. In remembrance of this immortal day, 1 
bestow upon the world as immortal a boon. I present it with my 



Jfiftg-^ecoii^ itohtntc. 






-> x 




January 5, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




KING PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S RECEPTION. 



TN accordance with his usual gracious custom, His Majesty Punch 
held his Reception on New Year's Day. The salon was filled 
with his royal sisters and brothers, and His Majesty walked about 
with the utmost affability, saying a few kindly words to each guest. 

His Majesty then ascended the steps of the throne, and spoke as 
follows : — 

" Here we all are again, and how do you do to-morrow ? What a 
smell of anointing-oil ! 

" Louis Napoleon, my friend, I am pleased with you. Your word, 
given to the Italians, has been honourably kept, and there are no 
French soldiers in Rome. So you do not let my beautiful friend on 
your arm go to see the Pope, as the old gentleman may possibly show 
her a certain coldness, which it befits not the Wife of France to endure. 
You are perfectly right. I presume that you are much occupied with 
the Grand Exhibition. It will not be a success unless you and I 
abolish the detestable Search of Personal Baggage. I hear that 
M. Fould and Mr. Disraeli are anxious to do so, if possible, and 
that it is only the Custom House fellows that are in the way. Kick 
yours, and I charge myself with the duty of kicking mine. Madame, 
you look lovelier every day, but if you would join my Judy in her 
crusade against extravagance in dress, you would be lovelier still, in 
my eyes. I hope your delightful boy is well. He has an English 
governess. That is good, but I advise you to send him to Cambridge 
as soon as he is old enough. My love to him, and this box of elrennes, 
among which he will find neither sword nor bayonet. 

" Alexander, I am very glad to see you. I wish you joy of the 
marriage of your son. He has made the very best choice that was 
open to him. Remember me to him, and to Lis charming Dagmar, 
whose name I wish had been conserved. Very much obliged by your 
splendid kindness to Albert -Edward, though I fear the frozen pro- 
visions did him no particular good. 1 don't forget what you have 
done for the serfs, or any of your other good deeds. But I say, Alec, 
no meddling in Turkish affairs, my brave. 

" Francis-Joseph, accept my condolence, but what could you expect, 
my dear fellow ? A bundle of provinces is not an empire, and bump- 
tiousness is not strong government. You are out in the cold. But 
you must pluck up heart. Don't think of fighting, but administer and 
improve the noble dominions left to you. Venice was never yours by 
right— think no more about it. Finer fellows than Austrians I never 
knew ; and, if you mind what you are about, there are good times in 



store for you. Those shoe-buckles, which are de rigvetcr in Vienna, are 
very handsome and becoming. Send me a few pairs, for in this respect 
I will gladly tread in your shoes. 

" Isabella, I am glad that you have the grace to be here. I am, 
however, exceedingly displeased with you. Priestly tyranny, is the 
worst form of all, and the worst form of priestly tyranny reigns in 
Spain. Crozier and bayonet against pen will come to grief, and so 
will you, unless you repent. I will not detain you. 

" William, you are a Conqueror, and may think that the name of 
William the Conqueror commands my respect. Not in the least. 
I favour no cause but a just one. It may be that what Bismarck has 
done will be good for Europe and liberty in the end, but we shall owe 
small thanks to him or you. Still, I cannot be altogether displeased 
that a strong Protestant power should arise in the centre of Europe, 
nor can I be otherwise than interested in a crown that will devolve on 
the husband of one of the sweetest of English girls. Examine^ your 
conscience, mon vieux, and be kind to those whom you have. injured. 
You may stay to lunch. 

" William of Holland, I never hear anything but good of you, 
and I wish you many happy returns of the day. 

" Abdul Aziz, salaam alaikum ! I don't wish to be unpleasant, but 
I fear that the clouds are gathering over the Bosphorus. I will talk 
with you in private. Refreshments await you in my library ; and my 
servants have neither ears, eyes, nor tongue, except at my orders, so 
take what you like, orthodox or heterodox. I can recommend the 
truffles in wine. 

"Victor-Emmanuel, my jolly, how goes it ? Congratulations on 
Venice, and sorry you seemed bored with the demonstrations. Remem- 
ber, you are paid to be a Ceremony, and you should behave as such. 
I dare say you see a great deal of spooniness in some of your subjects, 
1 but remember, they have not had the hardy, healthy Piedmontese edu- 
1 cation. And, I say, I don't preach, but some things are not in good 
' taste. We are neither of us boys, old man, eh ? Stop, of course, and 
we '11 have a smoke. 

" Leopold, most welcome, for your father's sake and for your own. 
I thank you for your regal kindness to my Household Guard. We '11 
try to repay it at Wimbledon, and elsewhere. My humblest homage 
to your admirable Queen. May Belgium always prosper ! 

" Christian, whatever may happen to territories, no good father 
can be unhappy whose dearest child has married as your Alexandra 
has done. In fact, she is my child. With that fact before us, I cannot 



VOL. LIT. 



2 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 5, 1867. 



condole with you— the less that some of your enemies have suffered 
for doing injustice, and the game is not yet played out. "Welcome, for 
your darling: daughter's sake, and your own. , , , , 

" Louis, Portugal and England are friends of old, and you need not 
be told how glad I am to see you. A bore, that recent visit of a neigh- 
bour, no doubt ; but we have sometimes to be civil to people whom we 
hate. I quite understood the situation, my boy. Stay, and have a 
smoke with your father-in-law, King Gallant-man. 

George, my boy, we are happy to see you, but I think your father 
here will agree with me that the sooner you are back in Athens the 
better. I 'm afraid you are not exactly in a bed of roses, but it is 
something to be called the King of Greece. 

Pius, pray let me conduct your Holiness to a chair. I only wish 
you were come to stay with me. You do not want to be told that you 
should be made thoroughly comfortable. However, if it can't be, 
receive the assurance that, deducting that little matter of the temporal 
power, nobody would be so rejoiced as myself to see your Holiness 
honoured as the Head of the Catholic religion. Pray never think of 
the Catacombs while.Malta is mine. 



Andrew Johnson, I hardly thought that you would come over, 
old hoss. Did you come in the Henrietta? A dashing thing, that 
race, and England is proud of her descendants, the American Sea- 
kings. Pooh, Eemanism — I understand you, don't bother. I have 
told Stanley to settle the Alabama business, since it really rankles — 
what is such bosh between John and Sam ? Spex you '11 have to cave 
in touching "My Policy." I love the American people, and I hate 
them who won't let 'em believe it. One of these days I '11 come over 
by the Cunard line, and talk it out with you all. Tell Seward I 
say so. 

His Majesty Punch then went round the circle, and said something 
pleasant to divers sovereigns who happened to be without any Thrones 
to speak of, and then he gave the signal to proceed to lunch, which 
was served in the most luxurious and tasteful manner. At an advanced 
hour, he left his distinguished guests to enjoy themselves under the 
presidency of Viscount Toby, and after dispatching a kind note 
to Sandringham, went off to Osborne to ofter to his own beloved 
Sovereign his humble congratulations for the New Year, and to act 
charades with the Princesses. 




SHARP-RATHER! 

First Boy. " I say, Bill, what 'a yer got in that Wallet ?" 

Second Boy. "How d' yer know my Name was Bill?" 

First Boy. " On, Guessed it." 

Second Boy. " Then yer m' Guess what's in this 'eke "Wallet !" 



MAN AND HIS MASTERS. 

Old philosophers have often said that man is a microcosm, or Little world of order. The 
Isle of Man used to be a little world of disorder. Its House of Keys, as the Manx House 
of Commons was called (a self-elected and irresponsible body) has been in the habit of 
playing the strangest pranks, and frightening the isle out of its propriety by arbitrary 
taxation of its lieges, and if anybody grumbled, by arbitrary imprisonment of its critics in 
the local newspapers. But Reform has reached even Man. The members of the House of 
Keys who used to strut about in their irresponsible and self-elected majesty, like so 
many Pashas of three tails, must henceforth go, like the Manx cats, tail-less. Governor 
Loch, taking his stand, as a Loch had every right to do, " on the human understanding" — 
which we take to be only another name for the understanding of Man — has procured to be 
passed a Bill, duly promulgated on the Tynwald Hill, in Manx legislative fashion, — a Bill 
which allows the tight little island to elect its own members, and so leaves Man free to do 
what he likes with the Keys v instead of allowing the ; Keys to lock up the liberties of 
Man. It is only the Papal Keys which can claim that privilege now-a-days, and even 
they seem to be rapidly coming face to face with the alternative of renouncing their 
pretension, or being flung into the dust-hole. 



OUE GYMNASIUM. 

Something has lately been said on the subject 
of athletic sports (Mr. Punch must protest agamst 
" athletics : " once received in society, it will be 
followed by dramatics and other objectionable 
abbreviations) their danger, expense, and undue 
predominance at our universities, public schools, 
and generally amongst the youth of these Isles. 
Impressed with the conviction that a programme 
of manly exercises prepared by competent 
authorities, at his request, might be acceptable 
wherever the English language was spoken, Mr. 
Funch commissioned the Nine Head Masters to 
supplement their labours on the Latin Primer 
with a Vocabulary of athletic sports. They 
have obeyed his mandate, and he now dedicates 
their compilation to all parents and guardians, 
heads of colleges and other seminaries of sound 
learning, gentlemen engaged in sedentary pur- 
suits, and muscular and sinewy people, in general, 
confident that it will be found to contain 
nothing detrimental to life, limb, and pocket- 
money, or adverse to the due cultivation of 
the Belles Leltres, Litem Rumaniores, and higher 
branches of Mathematics. 

Balancing — one's cash account. 

Boxing — the compass. 

Catching — an heiress. 

Climbing — to the top of the tree. 

Cudgelling — one's brains. 

Driving a Carriage and Four — through 'an Act 

of Parliament. 
Fencing — with a question. 
Fighting— with shadows. 
Fishing— {or compliments. 
Galloping— through a novel. 
Hitting — the right nail on the head. 
Hunting — the slipper. 
Jumping — to conclusions. 
Poaching — eggs. 
Racing — up and down stairs. 
Ratting— zh elections. 
Riding— Vat high horse. 
Rowing — when dinner's late. 
Running — up a house. 
Sailing — close to the wind. 
Shooting — folly as it flies. 
Sporting—" the oak." 
Swimming— with the stream. 
Training— a, vine. 
Trolling — a catch. 
Trotting — people out. 
Tumbling — head over ears into love. 
Wrestling — with difficulties, and 
Walking— Mr. Punch's own particular sport — 

into everybody ! 



The Right Manns in the Right Place.— At the Crystal Palace. 



CON ON THE CONFESSIONAL. 

In what part of St. Paul's would you expect 
to find Dr. Pusey ? 
In the Whispering Gallery. 



January 5, 18G7.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



QUANTUM SUFF. IN THE WORKHOUSES. 

ertain papers this year, 
Mr. Punch, departed 
from their hitherto usual 
custom of publishing an 
enumeration of the pit- 
tances of beef and pud- 
ding distributed to the 
paupers in the London i 
Workhouses on Christ- 
mas Day. The omission 
pleased me, for hereto- 
fore, on the day follow- 
ing that festival, being 
rather in a state of . 
repletion myself, I have '' 
always felt considerably 
nauseated by reading 
the beggarly account of 
so many, or rather so ' 
few, " oz." of the above- j 
named luxuries dis- 1 
pensed to the paupers, i 
I thought how disgusted \ 
I should be if I had my ' 
dinner weighed out to 
me in "oz." I wondered 
out, whether by so many 
ibdivided into " oz." ; also 
if, having weighed out the " oz." of beef, Mr. Bumble took the trouble 
to wipe the scales before weighing the " oz." of pudding, or vice versa 
if the pudding, as was likely, preceded the beef. 

But now, Sir, I am induced to hope that a change has come oyer the 
spirit of Boards of Guardians in regard to the poor, and that this year 
they have generally allowed the paupers consumption of the customary 
" good old English fare" ad libitum, thus precluding that sordid speci- 
fication of " oz." which was wont to turn the stomach of, 

Yours truly, a 

Sybarite. 

P.S. Perhaps— who knows ?— this time the raisins of the paupers' 
plum-pudding were stoned. 




how Bumble used to weigh the " oz. 

"' oz." a time, or so many lb. afterwards subdivided into 



A PENANCE MADE PLEASANT. 

Among many other Christmas customs, more honoured in the breach 
than the observance, is the newspaper custom of " doing " the theatres 
en masse on such popular festivals as Boxing-Night and Easter Monday. 
Everybody on the staff of every morning paper must turn out on these 
occasions as dramatic critics ; and mysterious as newspaper dramatic 
criticism is always, its mysteries on such nights are more inscrutable 
than ever. Mr. Punch does not attempt this ubiquitous game. He is 
content to squeak through his own " swidgell," and is not ashamed to 
own that he has been too busy with Christmas trees and Christmas 
turkeys, to say nothing of Christmas boxes and Christmas bills, out of 
the theatre, to have much time for Christmas boxes and Christmas 
bills of the play. One theatrical debt, however, which he ought to 
have paid before this, he takes the opportunity of paying now. 
Christmas time, and of all days in Christmas time, Boxing-Day, has its 
penances. But some penances have a pleasant side to them. And 
such a penance is A Sister's Penance at the Adelphi. To give us the 
true pleasure of art even through pain, at once tasks and tests the 
power of a true artist. And the heaviest weight of A Sister's Penance 
is laid on the shoulders of one of the truest artistes now on the stage — 
Miss Kate Terry. The authors of the piece have imposed a hard 
task on their heroine. In their first act they drive her out of the pale 
of our sympathies by a base act of selfishness, not the less base because 
it is prompted by passion ; and then they leave her to win her painful 
way back to our compassion through sorrow and suffering, from under 
the tulwars of the Indian mutineers, out of the very shadow of death. 
There is no actress now on the stage who could achieve this feat as 
Miss Terry does ; no one who could so keep alive our pity and 
interest, even while sacrificing a sister and desperately attempting to 
kindle an answering passion in a dead heart. But these cruel authors 
have not been satisfied even with setting their heroine this hard 
task. After a second act, culminating in a scene of such physical 
strain and excitement, that the audience hold their breath, and men 
who have known the real horrors of Cawnpore and Agra, of Arrah and 
Jhansi, feel the terrible remembrances of that time revived, the authors 
of A Sister's Penance have risked anti-climax by a third act, in which, 
though they have thrown in such light sensational spice as a sup- 
posed poisoning and a real suicide, the main interest is moral, and not 



physical. It is in this act that Miss Terry shows herself most a 
mistress of her art. She makes us feel that, terrible as was the penance 
of avowing a base act to the man she loves, and meeting death at the 
hands of the rebels in the Indian bungalow, it was less terrible than 
having to bear about the burden of unacknowledged sin in the presence 
of the sister whose misery that sin had engendered. The actress who 
can make us feel this pre-eminence of moral over physical sulfering, 
proves that she understands the right balance of her art, according to 
which the strains and stirrings of the heart and conscience should incal- 
culably outweigh those of the nerves and muscles. 

Thanks to Miss Terry's picture, ill so brief a compass that only the 
nicest Art can reconcile it with possibility, of the struggle of a passionate 
nature between love and baseness, tenderness and treachery, the first 
act of A Sister's Penance has its own interest. This interest rises 
gradually in the second act, through the coquettish playfulness out of 
which the station-belle tries in vain to extract, an anodyne for her aching 
heart and accusing conscience, though the high-bred grace, and serene, 
half-incredulous contempt of her reception of Ahmedoolah's declaration, 
and the struggle between a daughter's love and a woman's shame in her 
touching good-night to the old colonel, up to the crowning horror of 
that confession of her guilt to the man she loves, in the presence of 
death, which brings the act to a close. 

Then comes the real crux for the actress — that the interest carried 
to this height in the second act, should not flag in the third. Miss 
Terry meets and conquers this difficulty by the touching delicacy and 
mournful tenderness of her acting in a most difficult situation. She 
succeeds not only in winning back the sympathies she has alienated in 
the first act, but creates a climax of pathetic effect, even over the 
physical and sensational horror of the mutiny-scene. 

The piece is well acted throughout, except by a very full-faced and 
obstinate moon, which will persist in gazing like a large moderator lamp 
from the same place in the heavens through the whole of the second 
act. But if Moon be stupid, Marion is played by Miss Hughes — 
whom Mr. Punch welcomes heartily to the New Adelphi — with excel- 
lent taste and a quiet pathos in the third act, of the rare and right 
quality. Mr. Herman Vezin acts Markham like an artist and a 
gentleman. His lines are all laid right. All they want is deepening 
here and there. Both his sadness in the second act, and his languor 
of convalescence concurring! with sadness, in the third, were excel- 
lently conceived, but wanted more emphasis to bring them up to the 
most effective stage-pitch. Mr. Vezin must learn to make more 
allowance than he makes now for stage-perspective, stage-concentration 
of effect, and stage-light. Stage-emotions, like stage-scenes, must be 
painted broad and strong, and many of the half tones must be left, for 
distance to supply. Mr. Billington's Ahmedoolah is the best played 
part we have seen the actor in, for some time, and he gives us the 
grace of the tiger while his claws are sheathed, and his ferocity when 
they are out of the velvet. Mr. Stephenson's Old Colonel and Mr. 
Ashley's honest Indian Doctor areas good as possible. 

We are proud to bear witness that the piece thus acted — aye even 
Miss Terry's delicate and deeply-felt delineation of Alice— was appre- 
ciated as it deserved by a boxing- night audience — quite as ready to 
relish, afterwards, our dear Mrs. Mellon's graceful swagger, unfailing 
point, and exquisite coxcombry in Fitz-James, Miss Furtado's pretty 
sauciness in The Lady of the Lake, and the Celtic majesty of Toole — 
may his shadow and his salary at the Adelphi never be less— in Rode- 
rick Dim. It is a real Christmas treat to witness Toole, multitudinous 
in martial array of weapons, gathering the Clans in the Pass of Ben- 
ledi, to bet on him in the fight of Coil-nan-togle Pord, and to assist at 
his resuscitation, by help of a pinch of Scotch snuff, from stuffed 
dummyhood to re-animated mountain Dhu-dom in the Court at 
Stirling. Mr. Toole acts burlesque as burlesque should be acted, 
earnestly, gravely, as if his life depended on it. He is the right man in 
the right place at the Adelphi, and we welcome his Highland clay-more, 
dirk, battle-axe and his whole batteiie de guerre, back to the old Toole- 
house, in Mr. Halliday's clever burlesque, which may be called, in 
the broadest sense of the word, an excellent " halliday " entertainment. 



Another Parcel of Proverbs. 

If the cap fits, wear it— out. 

Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other— make exactly twelve. 

None so deaf as those who won't hear — hear ! hear ! 

Faint heart never won fair lady — nor dark one either. 

Civility costs nothing — nay, is something to your credit. 

The best of friends must part — their hair. 

Any port in a storm — but old port preferred. 

One good turn deserves another — in waltzing. 

Youth at the prow and Pleasure at the helm— very sea-sick. 



WILL THIS SATISFY MR. BRIGHT . 



The Suffrage is indeed becoming Universal. At the recent Cattle 
Show one of the chief prizes was taken by a Polled Bullock. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 5, 1867. 




ACCOMMODATING-VERY ! 

" Beg pardon, Sir ! Mustn't Smoke on the Platform !" 
" Oh, mustn't I? Then I 'll get into the Carriage !" 



OUR PARTING KICK. 

Get out, Old Year, get out, get out ! 
And don't keep lingering here about, 
We don't care whether you 've got the gout, 
Or what 's the matter, but just get out ! 
You stupid, sorrowful, sad old year, 
You maundering, mischievous, mad old year, 
law, we 're heartily glad, old year, 
To enjoy the kicking you out ! 

Your life 's a chapter of griefs and woes, 
You were always treading on people's toes, 
Till you set great nations at brutal blows, 
And gave their braves to the kites and crows. 
You savage, slaughterous, sad old year, 
You mocking, murderous, mad old year, 
law, we 're heartily glad, old year, 
To enjoy the kicking you out. 

You prolonged the plague that destroyed the ox, 
You dashed our ships on the grinding rocks, 
You aimed at credit such cruel knocks 
That on came Panic with ruinous shocks. 
You spiteful, slanderous, sad old year, 
You mumping, miserly, mad old year, 
law, we 're heartily glad, old year, 
To enjoy the kicking you out. 

You stirred a quarrel of class and class, 
And when we thought we 'd a chance to pass 
A wise Reform, you abused the mass, 
And slanged the few, and it went to grass. 
You sulky, scandalous ; sad old year, 
You mouthing, muddling, mad old year, 
law, we're heartily glad, old year 
To enjoy the kicking you out. 



You flung fresh food in rebellion's jaws, 
You established Yankee and Fenian raws, 
You frightened Erin, and gave us cause 
To suspend fair Freedom's noblest laws. 
You base, bewildering, bad old year, 
You mean, malingering, mad old year, 
law, we 're heartily glad, old year, 
To enjoy the kicking you out. 

Come in, New Year, with your hopeful smile, 
To end our ditty of blare and bile, 
That mean old cuss was enough to rile 
An angel's temper, but you '11 strike lie. 
You nice, no naughtiness, neat new year, 
You smiling, saucy face, sweet new year, 
Your look increases the treat, my dear, 
Of kicking that old Cad out. 



The Clemency of the Weather. 

In proof of the extraordinary mildness of the season, it may be 
stated that a hayrick in a field belonging to Mr. Smithers, of Barn- 
staple became so heated on Christmas-day as to require the prompt 
exertions of several men to prevent it from catching fire. A family 
residing in the vicinity of Southampton had their Christmas plum- 
pudding iced. 

I 

A BONE TO PICK WITH HALT. 

His Holiness the Pope occasionally venerates the relics of Saints ; 
for example, bones. It is said that the Holy Father has a particular 
fancy for the " temporal bone." 

Good Resolution for the New Year. — Always to go to bed 
early — in the morning. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 5, 186* 




PUNCH'S PANTOMIME; 

Or, the Old Year out, and the New Year in. 



January 5, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




DECIDEDLY NOT. 

Aunt. "I'm sure, dear that 'Punch' cannot make Frights of us 

now ! " 



BALLADS FOR BACHELORS. 

TIIE BRIEFLESS TO HIS BCY ! 

Rufus ! my chambers thou may'st close, 

Draw in the outer oak ; 
And from our labours let 's repose — 

Hang Lyttelton and Coke ! 
My slippers find, my candles light, 

My flute fetch from the press ; 
But bring no books— for this one night. 

We '11 give to idleness. 

Oh, Rufus, in those awful tomes, 

How oft have I dug deep ; 
To hold dread converse with the gnomes 

Who there pale vigils keep. 
Thy day-dreams in an easy groove 

Glide, checked by sorrows brief ; 
Thy brain burns not a court to move, 

Or bow before a chief. 

While Juniors with each others spar, 

At clubs in sham debate, 
You long to'practise at the bar 

Which tops some rustic gate. 
Thy mind ambition never racks, 

And more delight you 'd feel, 
In netting humble stickle-backs, 

Than bagging the great Seal. 

To get silk with its charming gloss, 

Long legal yarns we spin ; 
Your little games entail no loss — 

At mine, heads only win. 
Thou hast no reverence, I fear, 

For shrines where learned dust is ; 
Nor would a fig give for the ear 

Of even a Lord Justice. 

Some ladies say^I 'm growing bald 

With mental wear and tear ; 
'Tis scarce three years since I was called 

To shun my native hair. 
Hark ! there 's a kuock — don't crush my wig 

Good Rufus — haste, go see, 
And mind ! if it's a guinea pig — 

There 's half-a-crown for thee. 



CHARITY AT THE CHARTERHOUSE. 

Charity, we are told, begins at home ; but we are not told that it 
ought to end there. Yet there are many charities where Number One 
is looked on as the Golden Number.,, We cite for instance from the 
Standard a rather striking case : — 

" The Charterhouse was intended to gather beneath its roof poor, aged, maimed, 
or impotent people, who had broken down on the respectable paths of life, and give 
them a dignified asylum. So wrote Thomas Sutton, when applying for his letters 
patent. It was also planned to include a free school for the maintenance and edu- 
cation of the poor children of reputable parents, and the founder expressly declared 
his hope and will that the funds of the endowment should never be diverted from 
the use of the needy. All increases of revenue he ordained should be devoted either 
to augment the number of brethren or to improve their allowances." 

How religiously this ordinance of the founder is obeyed 'may be 

fathered from the fact that, while the pensions have been raised from 
25 to £40 :— 

"The master's stipend was originally £50; it is now £800; the preacher's £40, 
it is about £400 at present; the manciple has about £200 a year, and every other 
officer in proportion. Thus, while the master's salary was at first about eight fold 
the amount of a brother's pension, it has risen to twenty-two fold ; add a house and 
furniture, with allowances for bread, beer, light, fuel, and linen, and a free dinner 
daily." 

Where we further are informed that there is a staff of nearly four 
dozen officials for merely fourscore pensioners and four-and-forty boys, 
we think there is fair reason for saying that the Charterhouse " has 
assumed somewhat too openly the appearance of an institution set 
apart quite as much for patronage as for charity." As the Poor 
Brothers are " passing rich on forty pounds a year," they are obliged 
to buy themselves their groceries and clothing, and to pay for all such 
luxuries as boot-cleaning and washing. Perhaps it may be said that 
£40 a year are sufficient for this purpose, and it may also be alleged 
that the salary of the.Master is somewhat more than sufficient for his 
labour or his needs. If so, let " the number of the brethren be aug- 
mented" as the revenue increases, and as' the founder has ordained. 
No doubt it is a good thing to be Master of the Charterhouse ; but it 
would be a better thing if the governors of the charity would bear in 



mind the purposes/or which it was established, and remember that the 
greatest happiness'of the greatest number is not to be considered as 
applied to Number One. 



SAFETY FOR SOLDIERS. 



As Christmas is a time of peace and generargoodwill, it is pleasant 
to observe that nearly every other colamn in our newspapers just now 
is full of warlike topics. In one sentence we read how France is to be 
asked — we will not say. commanded— to augment her numerous army ; 
in another we are told how Austria is ordering new breechloaders by 
the million ; while a third describes the trial of big guns and armour- 
targets at Shoeburyness, or some other experiment in armour, such 
as this : — 

" A trial has just been made in Paris of a cuirass in aluminium, which is as light 
as an ordinary waistcoat, nearly as flexible, and capable of turning a musket-bail 
fired at a distance of 3S paces, and resisting a bayonet thrust from the heaviest 
hand. Each cuirass costs only 36 francs. Two regiments are to be immediately 
supplied with them as a trial." 

A capital example, surely, and one for^which alTJovers of peace must 
wish success. Why should not living men of war be safely cased with 
armour as well as merely wooden ones ? What a good thing it would 
be if soldiers were made shot proof as well as floating turrets ! War 
certainly would cease if no one could be killed in it. If aluminium be 
ball-proof, let our army be encased in it forthwith from head to heel, 
heeding specially the latter, having memory of Acliilles. Let our 
" Invincibles " henceforward bear the name of "Indestructibles," and 
let the world be warned that it would be a sheerTwaste of shot to blaze 
away at them. There would then be little trouble in finding new 
recruits, for the fear of being killed would be no longer a deterrent. 
Even Falstaff would have fougut as bravely as a lion, and would not 
have needed the shelter of his shield, if he had been clad with a suit of 
steel-proof armour. 



Speculation at a Christmas Party.— What colour] is Blind- 
man's Buff ? 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 5, 1867 




NOTHING LIKE A CLASSICAL EDUCATION. 

Papa. ""What! Your Gold-fish come to gkief, Archie?" 
Archie (stoically). "Yes, Pa. All right last Night, but i found this 
Morning two of 'em had gone to the Everlasting Sleep of Hades//" 



MANY HAPPY NEW YEARS. 

The world is another year older, 

So are you, my young fellows and dears, 
Never mind, whilst the old fogies moulder, 

May you see many happy new years. 
There is hope that you will, for in store you 

Health and wealth may be destined to find. 
It may be many years are before you, 

And maturity isn't behind. 

Thereafter but few years, if any, 

Can be happy— a truth to regret ! 
And whene'er an old friend you wish many, 

'Tis what don't you just wish he may get ? 
All in vain 's the good wish of the season, 

Would, indeed, you were able to say, 
As on juvenile birthdays, with reason, 

" Many happy returns of the day ! " 

Many happy new years an old man 

Or old woman might count, O my son, 
If at three-score-ana-ten we began, 

Going back till we reached twenty-one. 
So on, over and over again, 

As the planets revolve in their spheres ; 
With some reason and sense you might then 

Wish your dad many happy new years. 



Great Christmas Effect. 



Louis Napoleon, in dealing with his Army re-organi- 
sation scheme seems disposed to borrow a hint from a 
well-known bit of pantomime business — dropping the hot 
poker. 



bachelors of divinity. 



Ritualist young Clergymen seldom get slippers worked 
for them by girls. The fact is, that they show the cloven 
foot ; and moreover they preach celibacy. 



a startling transposition of keys. 

No wonder the Papal keys should be cross keys, at 
the idea of being transferred from the ward of Louis 
Napoleon to the ward of Victor-Emmanuel. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(At the Feudal Castle : Morning) 

Happy Thought— No ghost after all : and they call this a haunted 
room. I don't believe in the old woman who was burnt to death here, 
unless (as a Happy Thought) they burnt her ghost into the bargain. 
Note for Vol. XL of Typical Developments, " On Popular Superstitions." 

Always wake early in the country, and always expect a nice bright 
morning in the country. Looking at the weather from my bed, I 
should say it drizzles. I don't hear anybody getting up. My clothes 
and boots have not been taken : it must be very early, or very late. My 
watch is on the table — can't see it from here. It must be very early — 
I '11 lie in bed and think.* * * Odd : I was quite awake a minute ago. 
* * * I '11 take my note-book and arrange some work for the day. * * * 
Put note-book on pillow.* * * Write down heading Mies for Typical 
Developments { Vol. IX. * * * which is all I find on the page when I 
wake up again with a galvanic start. Noise in courtyard below ; jump 
out ; it must be late now. 

Frost or damp on the glass : window open : it looks on to the court- 
yard. Here, in mediaeval times assembled pilgrims, retainers, falconers, 
barons, knights, ladies, mitred abbots, pages, dogs in leashes, and 
good-looking young men coming of age on the steps. 

" By my halidome ! gadso ! " quoth the shorter of the two knights, 
over whose fair head some twenty-five summers had shed their some- 
thing or other, I forget what now. 

Ah, I wish I 'd lived then. On thinking over it, why ? Chiefly I think 
because they said "By my halidome," and "zooks" and "the merry 
maskins," and, generally, because it was " the olden time." Ours will be 
the olden time one of these days. Perhaps this very room will be exhi- 
bited as the place where the author of Typical Developments slept. I 
wish this would happen while I 'm alive, though : how it would surprise 
my relations. 

Happy Thought. — Surprise my relations. 

I will. Get on with Typical Developments as quickly as possible. I feel 



now that I can do it. I will dress at once : no more delay. I wish to 
goodness I could get my clothes brushed ; and boots. Hang it, where 's 
the bath ? 

Look out of window : drizzle over. Dull : housemaid kneeling in a 
crinoline cleaning steps of portcullis archway. A bumpkin of a boy 
stands under the archway, cleaning boots. He leaves off, to draw up 
the portcullis, being thereto summoned by the baker with the rolls, 
and, I hear a voice say, Muffins, outside. 

Happy Thought. — Muffins. Buttered. 

I say, " Hallo ! " All three below puzzled : perhaps they can't see 
me. Put my head out : boy laughs— so does the baker. The maid still 
kneeling, sits on her heels, and smiles too. I think (from this distance) 
she sniffs : cold morning. I say, "I want my boots cleaned, please." 
The baker who evidently doesn't wish to be mixed up with the matter 
at all, looks at the boy. The boy replies, " Yes, Sir," takes the bear- 
ings of my room, cleverly deducing the locality of my body from putting 
this and that together. This being the head, and that the window. 

He shuffles towards a side doorway in the quadrangle. The baker 
says something of an amatory character to the housemaid, at least, so 
I imagine, from her tossing her head in an " Ah,-yes,-I-dare-say " 
sort of style, as she resumes her work, while the gay young baker 
walks across the quadrangle, disappearing, after one look back at the 
housemaid, at a small side door. Demoralising life a baker's or a 
butcher's, if he has to call at many houses every day. Might call them 

butterfly tradesmen, sipping the sweets from every-; come in. Boot 

boy. He will also take my clothes. Mary, he explains, however brushes 
them. Will he be good enough to ask Mr. Englefield if he '11 let me 
have the bath ? He will be good enough, and goes. 

Happy Thought. — "Conferring on the boy the order of the bath." 
I'll say this at breakfast. Must manage to introduce it neatly. 
Sheridan used to arrange a lot of good things before he went out 
to dinner (I don't know if he said any good things at breakfast) and 
lead up to them. Note it down, or I shall forget it. If you don't note 
it down, it 's a nuisance to bother yourself all day with trying to re- 
collect what that good thing was you thought of in the morning. 



January 5, 18G7.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



9 



Knock : come in. Boy and bath, with Mr. Englefield's compliments. 
Dressing. * * * Dress anyhow in the country. Can't : ladies. 

Happy Thoughts while Dressing .—One, ought to have a secretary in 
one's room to write things down while one is dressing. I hum tunes 
when brushing my hair, which are really very good, if some one could 
only catch them and fix them on paper at the moment. I wonder how 
mauv composers are lost to the world through this. I'm certain I 
could. do an oratorio. Hum one, I mean : I can't write it, or play it. 
Oratorios are not effective with one finger on the piano. I find, that, 
on trying to pick out on the piano any original composition, I lose 
the tune before I can hit upon the notes. Also find that what I 
thought was original, some one has heard before. I think I might 
have Deen a composer if I 'd never heard anybody else's tunes. As to 
arranging a piece for an orchestra, that would be easy enough, as I can 
imitate most instruments with my mouth, which would show any 
practical musician what effect I want, and then he 'd do it. 

Boy comes for Englefield's bath. I ask, "Is anyone down?" and 
am told, " Oh, yes, Sir ; Mrs. Ciiilders is breakfastin'." 

I wish they'd ring a bell, or send up to one's room. Now, for Mrs. 
Childers. 

Awkward stairs — find my way — came through this hail last night. 
There's the screen — here 's the door. No. Suddenly find myself in 
courtyard. See warm-looking room in right corner of quadrangle: 
see breakfast-table : a lady eating, and a man's back, seated, and by 
the movement of his elbows, eating. 

They see me : I must look unconcerned, as if I was |up and taking 
the air, without any idea that breakfast is going on. The window is 
opened by Stenton, the rising phdosopher, who says, " Good morning." 
I ask him " How he is ? " and he replies, " Come in at this door, here 
— breakfast is quite ready." 

The philosopher is dressed in knickerbockers and a shooting coat, 
and has his hair cut like a Vandyke child. This strikes me as original. 
I like the idea. Now, I shall see what Mrs. Childers is like. Walk 
in briskly and smilingly. Be agreeable. Show her that though I do 
write on deep and serious subjects, yet there is a lighter and brighter 
side to my nature. 

In the Breakfast Room. — There are two ladies, one is making the tea, 
the other the chocolate and coffee. It is a round table, so there is no 
top or bottom. Which is Mrs. Childers ? Childers is not down. 
The philosopher, Stenton, has to introduce me to them, which he 
does rn a stupid fashion of his own, by merely mentioning my name to 
them, and not theirs to me. Which is Mrs. Childers? They 
are both blondes, and very nearly of an age. Will I have tea? I will, 
thanks. Muffin: with hesitation — yes, thanks. Oh (chocolate-lady 
hands them), pray don't : oh, thanks, thanks. Oh (to tea-lady who 
hands tea), thanks. Will I have some fish or some broiled ham? 
Mustn't be too long considering : I say in a hurry, " Ham, please " — 
meant fish. Oh, thanks, thanks. To the philosopher for the butter, to 
the chocolate-lady for the mustard, and to the lady for the pepper, 
Thanks, thanks, thanks. Then to the three collectively for everything, 
" Oh, thanks." I should like to say something brilliant now at once, 
but, here I am, flustered by a mullin. 

Happy Thought while eating Muffin. — They 're twins : sisters. Still, 
this doesn't tell me which is Mrs. Childers, and I want to ask after 
the children. 

"Am I looking for anything ? " No: thanks. I am though, but 
can't make out what it is ; that's where my want of presence of mind 
bothers me. Oh, it 's a small knife : on sideboard. " Oh, don't move," 
(to everyone) " thanks, thanks." Note. Must get out of this habit of 
saying " thanks" : it 's nervousness, not gratitude. Will I have any more 
tea ? If you please. Finding that this wish of mine involves ringing 
a bell, fresh hot water, and trouble generally, I say, " No— no— please 
don't: I'd rather have chocolate. Thanks. 1 prefer, I assure you, 
I prefer chocolate." Tea-lady smiles, and says, " I 'm sorry there is 
no chocolate." It turns out to be cocoa. I meant (I say) cocoa : all 
the same— cocoa and chocolate. Thanks. Philosopher Stenton says, 
" No, it isn't— quite different." I don't want a discussion before ladies, 
so I merely observe, smilingly, that it doesn't matter. Thanks. I 
think I 've ingratiated myself so far with whichever is Mrs. Childers, 

Tea-lady observes, "Mat will want some tea directly he comes down." 

Happy Thought.— Mat is Childers— this is Mrs. Childers. I say, 
relying upon this, "This is a very quaint old place, Mrs. Childers." 
Having said it, I think it was a little rude ; ought to have thought of 
that before speaking : that's just like me— me to the ground, in fact. 
The ladies smile, the philosopher smiles, so do I, but am uncomfort- 
able. I won't try names again, or remarks on where your host lives ; 
it is rude. 

Childers appears : he calls tea-lady Nelly, which makes me 
think I was right, until he addresses the chocolate-lady as Ally 
—which unsettles me. I can't keep up conversation without names. 
Besides, I want to ask after the children. Englefield arrives, very 
lively, and nodding at me, and is called Bobby by everyone. Toss 
Felmyr (they all call him Poss, and he calls the ladies Ally and 
Nelly, so there 's no rule) comes down very shivering, and rubbing 
his hands ; he nods at me encouragingly ; they all nod at me, as they 



come in, encouragingly, as much as to say, " Don't be frightened — it 's 
all right." I don't know why ; and I find myself nodding back in the 
same style, as much as to assure them, " Yes, here I am, all right, not 
a bit frightened ;" but II 'm sure I shouldn't be doing this if I only 
knew which was Mrs. Childeus. It's like being ignorant of a lan- 
guage. They are all Bob, Mat, Ally, Nelly, Poss, Jack, and Mat 
to one another. They can't be all Childerses ? 

The philosopher solves the difficulty ; he asks Mat " How Mrs. 
Childers is this morning ? " To which Childers replies, " Pretty 
well," and that " she 's coming down." 

Perhaps, then, Ally and Nelly are two Miss Childerses. 1 won't 
hazard this in conversation, though. They might be any of the other 
fellows' sisters, as they are all Christian names to one another. 
Breakfast finished, but all waiting for Mrs. Childers. Children with 
nurses in the courtyard. 

C hilders, in character of papa, looks out of window. Pair-kaired 
child, very pretty, runs up. 

" What a fine boy," I remark, to please Childers. 

There is a smile. " Girl," Childers explains. At that moment I 
dislike the child. [Analysing this feeling for Typical Developments sub- 
sequently, I ascertain it to be the result of humbled pride. I had said 
the girl was a boy, and he was a girl. Chapter on Insight into Character.] 

Nurses call children off, "like a huntsman and dogs," I say to 
Childers, by way of a sharp simile, which will be appreciated by 
clever men. I fancy I 'm saying rude things this mormng. I wish 
Mrs. Childers would appear, and I should oe on safe ground again. 

The door opens : it is Mrs. Childers. Elderly lady — old enough 
to be Mat's mother. I talk to her at once about her children. She 
smiles graciously : all smile. Bob Englefield bursts t out into a 
guffaw, and says he can't help it. Mat Childers explains — " not his 
wife, his mother." 

Bob Englefield shouts out, " Oh, haven't you got a chance for a 
compliment." I laugh foolishly, I feel it 's foolishly, and say, " Yes, I 
have." But the only thing I can think of is something about " A man 
not being able to marry his grandmother," which I don't say, thank 
goodness. But where is my repartee ? That 's where I fail. What 
ought I to have said ? A quarter of an hour after,?I shall think of it : 
provoking. However, I no w find that the tea-lady is the Mrs. Childers . 



" MY FAVOURITE." 

King. — A new sovereign. 

Hero.— The man who is one to his valet de chambre. 

Author. — Bradshaw. 

Artist. — Not the lady who paints. 

Opera. — The Opera of Lucian. 

Song. — " The Mistletoe Bough." 

Play. — Upon words. 

Actor. — Self in " Seven Parts." 

Name. — Her name. 

Dish. — Of chat. 

Study. — A brown one. 

Amusement. — The Game of Speculation. 

County. — Beds. 

Book. — My banker's. 

Motto. — One good turn deserves another — in waltzing. 

Exercise. — A run on a Bank. 

Ambition. — To be a Contributor to Punch. 



DOMINO PUNCHIO ALUMNUS CANTABRIGIENSIS S.P.D. 

Literam in periodieale vestra, a puerculo qui ad Scholam mecum 
fuit, scriptam nuper vidi. Meum juvenem amicum a lucida, compo- 
sitiouis ejus styla semi-oculo virgavi, quoniam ea styla caput-magistrum 
nostrum multum sapuit. Jamque ad punctum. Insum ad Examen a 
doctis, " Parvo-pergo " vocatum, et recte quidem, quuin multis " no- 
go" est et nullus error. Quod novum tormentum, puer antique, 
'Varsitatem nobis miseris taudem invenisse existimas? Quod extra- 
subjectum Graco, Latino, Mathematicis (puris impurisque), Pallido 
(qui veritate est nullus jocus), CBeterisque difficilimis rebus additum 
esse putas ? Horresco referens -.—papyrum in Accidentia et Gracd et 
Latino, ! In Senatus-domo jam sum, illaque papyra ab inexorabili 
Examinatore mini modo data est. Quum tamen earn facere non 
possum frceuum, banc tibi literam, nobihssime Punchie, scribo. 

Num pulchrum est rogare tales qufflstiones ? sic : — Parse, fiivfevpei, 

vamwirepv u\S(upov, piSaKOKKos, Tofiavjivpixpos, To\\nrurdeKtTTt\ov, et 

uiiquam" sic multa alia. Claram ideam habeo. Est million pocetto 
meo libellum crain-grammaticum. Id consulam, Sio-xep opvis, ut ait 
poeta. Venditus sum tamen ; duo namque .tauri-canes a tergo me 
stant, juvenesque quatuor miseri in fronte mei sedentes, edentesque 
fines pennanim me placide coutctuplaut. Quid in terra faciam ? Nos 
septan totam horam nihil fcciinus. O gemini ! nunc tempusest reddere 
pap/ras nostras, ac nihil feci. Me niiseruui ! Cura teipsum, mi puer. 

Vale. 



10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 5, 1867. 










COMMON OBJECTS IN OUR HEDGEROWS. 

Cousin Charlotte. " Oh, "William, do come here !— such a funny Plant 

GROWING ON THIS TREE ! " 

Cousin William (to himself). "Mistletoe, by Jingo ! Now, or never!" 



A LITANY FOR THE SEASON. 

{Dedicated, without the least respect, to Master A. C. 
Swineborn, by an Old Bachelor.) 

first antiphone. 

All the plagues of the season, 

Thick and threefold are down on me : 
Lord of Mis-rule and Un-reason, 

Christmas doth frown on me. 
My patience hath gone by the board, 

Ridden over rough-shod : 
One growth Christmas trees should afford, 

And don't— that 's a rod ! 

second antiphone. 

Turkeys, plum-puddings, mince-pies ! 

Mis'rable sinner, 
Must the sins of my youth arise 

To make penance of dinner ? 
Why should I tip the breed 

Of brats, all about me ? 
Why find Christmas boxes to feed 

Harpies that scout me ? 

third antiphone. 

Erom dishes that ruin digestion, 

From juvenile hops, 
Prom wares readers should like a pest shun, 

In the booksellers' shops : 
Prom the coarse Christmas beef butchers kill, 

With fat triple-lined ; 
Prom the twaddle of peace and good-will, 

When I hate human-kind — 

fourth antiphone. 

Prom the vile begging-letter impostors 

Thou bring'st out in swarms : 
From the flaunting of pantomime posters, 

And music-hall charms : 
Prom the bills, boxes, bores that bewray thee 

Arch-nuisance to be, 
I pray thee, King Christmas, I pray thee, 

To set the town free ! 



Racing Event.— The Black Horse wins the Sweepstakes. 



POLYPHEMUS IN PARLIAMENT. 

Punch, my Good Sir, 

I am hurt. Though not accustomed to the melting mood I— 
Polyphemus— weep. A glass-blower (may his bellows wheeze and his 
ladle never get hot) flings sarcasms at my visual organ. I stagger. 
I reel. Sparks fly from my eye. Por a moment I see double. Con- 
fusion seize thee, ruthless King— of bubble-blowers ! 

I had resolved to stand for Utopia as soon as that thriving colony 
was enfranchised ; but now comes a Blower of Bottles, and like rude 
Boreas, blows fierce scorn at all monocular legislators. Again I say 
I 'm hurt. It 's grossly personal. 

This aesthetic Bubble-blower requires his representative to be a 
model for Praxiteles ! 

So ho, then ! We are to have a House of Apollos ! Ho ! ho ! ho ! 
Pardon me for mingling laughter with my tears. If, Punch, it comes 
to that, you had better look to your Ladies' Gallery. Already the 
darlings complain of scant accommodation. Already there are honor- 
able orators who perfume their eloquence with otto of roses to charm 
those birds of Paradise who flutter as they listen in their gilded cage. 
O ! what clouds of incense will go up when 600 and odd worshippers 
of Belgravian beauty set about swinging their rhetorical censers ! It 
makes me merry — the idea— M. P., Model for Phidias ! 

But let us be grave for a moment. Why are eyes singled out by our 
fastidious Bottle-blower for invidious comment ? What colour would 
he insist upon as a proper eye qualification for Members of Parliament P 
Is a gentleman to be driven from the Commons by a pair of greys ? or 
if his orbs are darker than a feminine committee of taste may desire, is 
the candidate to be looked upon as black-balled ? Is preferment to be 
the reward only of the far-sighted, and are Ministers to have a bright 
expression in spite of all opposition. Is an eye in a fine frenzy rolling 
to be pointed at as the unerring sign of a celestial Premier and the 
pledge of an enlightened policy ? Is an eagle gaze always to command 
a working majority, and is no confidence to be reposed in an Adminis- 
tration who suffer from a slight— a very slight obliquity of vision ? 



Must a Foreign Secretary sparkle like Venus — gem of the western sky 
— when he rises from his seat and every minor Member of the Cabinet 
be required to twinkle like a little star ? 

Are no optical glasses to be allowed on the Treasury Bench ? Is a 
Conservative leader not to have the aid of " clearers " or an advanced 
Liberal to be denied the use of " magnifiers ? " Is the watchword of 
party henceforth to be " looks not lungs." Is Parliament to produce 
! every night during the season, as the Manager may direct, either a 
J serious or a comic pantomime ? And finally, are country gentlemen to 
! be won over by side-long glances, and is a Chancellor of the Exchequer 
: to be kept in office by a leer ? 

Punch these questions every man who is not blinded by prejudice 

will gravely con. The argumentum ad hominem is a light and pleasant 

mode of carrying conviction to a stubborn mind. If you have nothing 

solid to urge against an opponent, cast dust in his eyes. If he is a 

j politician — well — call him a Polyphemus. 

Give my love to the girls, and believe me, Yours ever, 

POLYPHEMUS, 

Cyclops Hall, Arcadia. Chief Commissioner — Woods and Forests. 

Zrd Dec, I860. 

Stanza in the Lucid Style. 

The sun sinks in emerald glory, 

Like snakes in the sea. 
There are many not old who are hoary : 

There are slaves that, are free. 
Dost thou love me ? No. Else thou wouldn't bite me, 

And sting like a bee ! 



bitter rivalry in beer. 
It has been whispered in musical circles that one of our eminent 
brewers is performing as a conlra-basso. The gentleman referred to is 
Mr. Allsoit. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. M, Holtord Square, in the Pansn of St. James, ClerkenweU, in the County ol Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ol Messrs. Bradbury. Evans, & Co.. Lombard 
Street, in the Precinct of Whiti friars, la the City of London, and Published by him at No, h>, Fliet street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— Saturday, January 5, 1867. 



January 12, 1867.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11 




PROBABLE. 

"Hallo, old Boy, you've got a bad Cold. How did you get it?" 

" "Well, do you know, I think I must have left off my Hat-Band too 

SOON ! " 



THE MARTYR-BUNG. 

Our friends the Licensed Victuallers are always holding meetings for self- 
glorification, and for the purpose of declaring that they are the victims of Legisla- 
tive oppression. They are perpetually defending themselves against some 
imaginary danger, and imputing dark designs to the Chancellor of the Ex- 
chequer for the time being. That right honourable gentleman, be he who he 
may, is supposed by them to lie awake whole nights considering what cruel blow 
he can inflict upon the virtuous and noble Victualler, and upon the principle that 
it is best to cry out before you are hurt, as it is of no use bellowing afterwards, our 
friends may be wise. Sometimes they get a member of Parliament, usually one 
who is not much regarded in the House, to preside over their Banquet of Howling, 
and it is funny to read how that unfortunate senator tries to reconcile the business 
of adulating the Bungs with his own sense of truth and statesmanship. 

Lately, however, Mr. Punch has noticed that a good many hundreds of Victual 
lers (who, however, by no means represent the whole class) have taken a method 
of obtaining the approbation and admiration of the public, instead of confining 
themselves to enthusiastic eulogies on themselves. In the long lists of persons 
who have recently been fined for using Ealse Measures, the Licensed Victuallers 
have been distinguished. Indeed, they always head the array, and are convicted 
in batches. This we deem a proof of the workings of conscience behind the bar. 
To adulterate is human, to filch the adulterated liquid is divine. These Witlers, 
who doubtless manipulate their liquors after the fashion of their fellow trades- 
men, who are thought honest, do something towards mitigating the evil wrought 
by their doctored fluids. They sell as little as they can for the money. In their 
banquets let the fact be noted— they rob their customer, but only rob" him of the 
trash which helps to make him sick indeed. 

Yet, we fear, the Licensing Magistrates may not be sufficiently refined to 
appreciate this delicacy of sentiment, and on the next application for licences may 
examine the list of convictions, and refuse the documents to those who have shown 
such tenderness of conscience. Well, the Martyr-Bungs must make the best of 
it, and comfort themselves with past profits. 



Medical. — We know a young man who is suffering severely from having had 
a girl " thrown at his head." 



EUROPE'S CHRISTMAS-TREE. 

Come, each little King and Queen, 

Let your reigning business be, 
And gather round the green 

Of Europe's Christmas-tree. 
A pretty tree it is, 

"With a pretty crop of toys, 
To irradiate the phiz 

Of royal girls and boys. 

Here's a little Papal Bull 

Of excommunication, 
Which King Victor's free to pull, 

And the whole Italian nation. 
Here are warrants of arrest, 

Gift of Queen Isabella, 
To her Cortes, by request 

Of her priestly Camarilla. 

Here 's a conge for King Max, 

From the hand of Uncle Sam, 
Sealed with Imperial wax 

By the ex-prisoner of Ham. 
Here's a broad hint for the Pope 

With Rome accounts to square : 
And a Papal Zouave, with rope 

To hang himself in air. 

King William, here 's your passport 

To power— a needle-gun: 
For the Emperor here s a Chassepot, 

For the Kaiser ne'er a one. 
Here 's a breech-loading, rifled 

Ship cannon for John Bull, 
Who swears "My Lords" have trifled. 

Or he 'd have a navy-full. 

For my little Czar so perky 
Here is a tempting prize — 

A nice old Christmas Turkey, 
^ Devoured by greedy eyes : 

Keep back, you little gluttons, 
Or, at least, all start fair ; 

Mind, if you burst your buttons, 
You must pay for repair ! 

Here are rifles, bayonets, sabres, 

For little Sovereigns prone 
To taking from their neighbours 

And adding to their own. 
Here are pretty oaths for breaking, 

Like bon-bons sugared fair, 
Treaties made for un-making, 

And warranted to tear. 

Then gather, little Princes, 

Round Europe's Christmas-tree — 
He '11 get most the least who minces, 

And in grabbing most makes free. 
Peace and goodwill may quake — 

And if they do 'tis well : 
What 's peace ?— A thing you break : 

And goodwill ? — A thing you sell. 



Puseyism and Poetry. 



Among the candidates for the vacant Professorship of 
Poetry at Oxford, if its tenure were compatible with the 
Professorship of Hebrew, a peculiarly proper person would 
be Dr. Pusey. Who so fit to fill the Chair once occupied 
by Keble as the genius who is credited with the amend- 
ment of the Christian Year ? 



seasonable. 



The Floral Hall is open for skating. Anticipating 
tumbles, Mr. Punch makes the witlings a present of a new 
name for the building — the Floor-all Hall. (N.B. One 
charge for admission : no sliding scale.) 



Legal Note, by Mrs. Briefless.— Spring Circuits- 
Crinolines. 



vol. m. 



12 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 12, 1867. 



A CAPITAL PANTOMIME JOKE. 

ee here is a good hearty bit 
of Christmas fun. A cor- 
respondent cites it for us 
from the Chelmsford Chro- 
nicle : — 

" A Dfsperate Euffian ! — 
Charles Leonard, aged eight, 
was charged with the unlawful 
possession of a piece of wood 
ten iuches long aud nine inches 
wide. The defendant, who ap- 
peared to be almost starving, and 
who said he picked the wood 
up to make a bit of fire for his 
mother, was sentenced to four- 
teen days' hard labour and four 
years in a reformatory." 

What a joke to send a 
boy of eight years old to 
prison, with hard labour, for 
the heinous crime of pick- 
ing up a little piece of fire- 
wood ! And what a famous 
bit of fun to send the little 
fellow for four years to a 
reformatory, in further ex- 
piation of his horrible 
offence ! Of course, a boy 
of eight years old has read 
enough of Blackstone's 
Commentaries, and other 
English law-books, to know 
that picking up a "scrap of 
firewood, even for one's 
mother, is an indictable 
offence, and one for which the punishment above named may be given. 
So we can have no pity for poor little Charles Leonard, whose 
desire to help his mother led him, knowingly, of course, to commit a 
flagrant crime. We only hope our pantomimists will not hear of the 
hard sentence passed on the poor lad, lest they be tempted to ridicule 
the sage bench of Essex Magistrates, by exhibiting them nightly as a 
lot of Essex calves. A reformatory for country Magistrates might be 
suitably established in counties where a little boy is sentenced to hard 
labour, and then sent to a reformatory, for so trivial an offence 
as the one above described. 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{A Day at the Feudal Castle.) 

Getting Stenton, the philosopher, alone by the window, I find it 
all out. Mrs. Childers is Childers's mother, yes, of course. I say 
" Yes, of course," as if I'd known it for years. Nelly is Mrs. Mat- 
thew Childers. " Yes," I say, " and the other is her sister." I am 
wrong. Ally is no relation : Ally is Mrs. Eelmyr. Oh, now I see 
it all; Poss Felmyr is Mrs. Felmyr's husband. Stenton further 
explains : Bob Englefield is Poss Felmyr's brother-in-law, and 
Nelly is his, Stenton's, the philosopher's sister. She was a Miss 
Stenton, and the other was a Miss Englefield, and that Mrs. 
Felmyr is a very old friend of Mrs. Mat, and Mrs. Childers has 
known her from a child, and he and Bob were children together, and 
so was ,Mat and Old Poss, who has been brought up abroad, " and so 
they get on," he says, continuing what he calls his explanation, "very 
well together, more like brothers and sisters." "And mothers," I 
suggest, thinking of Childers's mother. Guilders coming up at 
this moment seems grave ; perhaps he thinks I was sneering at his 
mother. I wouldn't sneer at a mother for anything. 

Happy Thought. — Not to say anything about it now : ask him quietly 
afterwards if he thought I was insulting his mother, and then explain 
that I wasn't. Good fellow, Mat. 

" What would I like to do ? " they want to know. Anything, I 
return. The ladies have gone to their household duties, i Bob Engle- 
field is busy this morning, hard at work at a five-act drama. He 
won't tell me what it is about. Stenton informs me apart that it 's 
about Anne Boleyn and Henry the Eighth : scene laid here, in 
Boyor Castle. Stenton is also hard at work : an article for a weekly 
review. Guilders whispers to me The Saturday. Stenton is evidently 
a superior man. May I ask what he is writing for that periodical. He 
smiles mysteriously : shakes his head, and says, " Oh, no, no, Mat's 
joking." I see by his manner that he does write for the S. R. Will 
ask him all about it afterwards. Mat tells me apart that Stenton's 
doing an article on " Henry the Eighth and Medisevalism," — in fact, 
about Bovor. 



Happy Thought.— Write for the Saturday Review .- they needn't put it 
in, but I can smile and shake my head. I wonder if the contributors 
to that paper know one another by sight ? or by any masonic signs ? 
If they do, I should be found out. I wish I could find out Stenton. 

Poss Felmyr says, looking at his watch, that he had no idea it was 
so late, and must get to work. What work ? His novel. May I ask 
what's the story. He can't say: send me a copy when published. 
Englefield tells me, apart, that it 's to be called Bovor, and is about 
Henry the Eighth and Cardinal Wiseman— he means Wolsey. 

Mat Childers must get to work too. What he at work ? I say with 
surprise. All laugh except Childers, who, I think, doesn't seem 
pleased at my remark. Poss Felmyr takes me aside immediately 
afterwards and asks me didn't I know that Mat was engaged on a 
grand historical picture for next year's Academy. I didn't, I wish 
I had: m fact, I didn't know he painted. What? didn't I hear last 
season about the row and the A.RA.'s ? It won't do to go on being 
ignorant of these sort of things, so I say, "Oh, that," as if he'd 
brought it all, vividly, to my recollection now. 

Happy Thought.— Get an almanack or something, and see who's 
President of the Academy. Ought to know these things. 

It seems that Mat is an injured man, academically speaking. I will 
condole with him, if he likes it. What is the subject of his picture, I 
ask him? Historical, he says. They are none of them willing to 
enter fully into their subjects. Felmyr takes me aside and informs me 
that Mat is painting Bovor Castle in tlie Olden Time, and is portraying 
Anne Boleyn playing on the dulcimer to Henry the Eighth. 

Being asked what I 'm'going to do, I reply, as they 're all so busy, 
I 've got plenty of work to do, and commence giving a brief outline of 
Typical Developments, its scope, subject, and object. This is to impress 
them, and to show them that I am not a mere idle lounger, but an 
artist, one of themselves. They are not much interested in my work. 

Happy Thought— The, Future : I'll astonish them. One day they'll 
be cringing to me for a copy of Typical Developments. 

Mat wants to know, if, before I 'go to work, I 'd like to see the 
Castle. I should, but don't let me take him away from his work. Not 
in the least : they '11 all show me over. We take umbrellas (it is rain- 
ing) and look at the moat. The moat is swollen and has risen. If it 
goes on like this, says Mat, the baker will have to come in a punt. 
The water will be over the drawbridge and into the Castle. They show 
me the piggery ; there are no pigs. And the .orchard ; no apples, to 
speak of. They show me a fine old room with painted panneled ceiling 
and side gallery. Englefied, who, Mat informs me is an authority 
on these matters, says that this was the old Chapel. We (none of us) 
think it could have been the chapel, because of the fire-place. Then says 
Englefield, positively, it was the Refectory. Refectories, says Mat 
Childers, were only in monasteries. I chime in, "Yes, only in 
monasteries." Englefield is positive that it must have been the 
chapel or the refectory, or, after some consideration, the armoury. 
" But," objects Poss, " they wouldn't have had that sort of window." 
Englefield says, "why not ?" which is treated as an absurd question; 
whereupon he suggests that it 's the Hall. " No," says Stenton, 
"the other's the Hall." They all agree with Stenton, "Oh, yes, the 
other's the Hall." I say, "Yes, I think the other's the Hall," 
■ meaning the place I came through last night, where Bob Englefield 
! looked through a window in the screen at me. Englefield, after 
looking at the chamber for a minute longer, says with certainty, 
| " This was two rooms once," and we leave him there regarding the 
chamber sorrowfully. 

Mat then takes us up winding stone stairs to top of tower. I 
think, while going up, what 's the best way of coming down again 
without feeling giddy ; sideways, like a horse down hill. On the 
roof. I always thought castle roofs were flat, and that warders 
with Carbonels (am not sure of the word, so won't say it) walked 
up and down. This castle roof is like any roof on an ordinary 
second-rate London house ; very disappointing. In fact, but for the 
name of the thing, it is simply being "on the leads." There is no 
view, as Bovor lies in a valley, and is hemmed in by hills. If they 
were snow mountains it would be graud, but they 're only spongy- 
looking green hills. There are no gargoyles to discharge the rain. I 
want to know which is a bastion ? Englefield, who is an authority 
on all these subjects, as he is getting them up for his historical drama, 
doesn't know what a bastion is, but shows me a gable. I want to know 
where the Donjon Keep is ? It appears it hasn't got one. What a 
castle ! Englefield, however, says that it 's one of the few in England 
that has a barbican. " Don't I know what a barbican is ? " " Well, 
we can't see it from here, but it 's a — sort of — it 's difficult," he says, 
" to describe exactly, but surely I must know what a barbican is." 
I answer, " Of course I 've seen one often enough ; but I don't 
exactly know what it is." With this answer he seems satisfied, as he 
merely returns, " Oh, of course you do," and volunteers no further 
explanation about the barbican. 

Happy Thought. — There 's a Barbican in London, somewhere. Where ? 
Wonder if I 've seen it. 

" Some of the passages, here," says Englefield, as we descend, 
" are beautifully corbelled." I am getting tired ; I hate sight-seeing, 



January 12, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



13 



and having knowledge thrust on me, so I merely reply, "Yes, 
beautiful," and nearly fall down the winding stairs. Bob Englefield, 
on the drawbridge, shows me what he calls a first-rate idea for a scene. 
Troops pouring out from under the Norman arch, enemy coming down 
on them from the heights ; the fair Thingummy, Alice, anyone, he 
says, a prisoner, waving her hand from the turret, while the tyrant is 
below ready to dispatch her. Good that," he says, appealing to me, 
" and original, eh P " I say, " Yes, very original." But on considera- 
tion I suggest to him diffidently, "Isn't it a little like Blue Beard?" 

He says, "Oh, if you turn everything into ridicule— why ." I 

think he 's annoyed. We meet Mat, Jack Stenton, and Poss. They 've 
none of them been to work yet ; they all say they must go, at once, as 
it's getting so late. Mat asks Englefield if he's shown me the 
machicolated battlements. Bob says no, rather sulkily. Odd, he 
can't get over Blue Beard. I say I don't care about machicolated 
battlements. Well, we '11 leave them till to-morrow. By all means- 
till to-morrow. They say they are going to work in earnest now till 
luncheon time. One hour. 

Happy Thought. — Write some letters. Ask when the post goes out ? 

Chlldees says, " Oh, not till night," that is, he explains, not the 
regular post. Prom which I gather that there is an irregular post 
which goes out in the day. I am right : the irregular post is the 
butcher. He comes from Beckenhurst, and to oblige us will post any 
letters before two p.m. at Beckenhurst. The only thing 'against the 
butcher is, that he 's rather uncertain on account of his pockets. If 
my letter is not very important I 'd better send it by the usual post. 
If it was very important I certainly shouldn't intrust it to the butcher. 
There 's no sort of necessity for my letter to go by an early post, but 
the fact that there is only a late one seems to cause me a great deal of 
inconvenience. Why ? Analyse this feeling for Vol. XII., Typical 
Developments, Sec. 2, par. 3. 

We meet at luncheon time : it is still raining. The ladies regret ] 
that we're running into winter because there's no more croquet. 
Mrs. Mat Childers says if the rain continues the feudal castle will 
be swamped. Mrs. Felmyr says she '11 be glad to get back to town ; 
it 's so damp. Poss Pelmyr says, " Pooh ! they came down to rough 
it." Childers sides with him. There 's a row threatening : awkward 
for a visitor. Mrs. Childers asks me if I think it's fair to keep her 
down in this dismal place all the season, and only to return to town 
when nobody's there? I feel that Childers's happiness in private life 
will materially depend upon my answer, but I can't help agreeing with 
Mrs. Childers. If I knew her better I wouldn't, as I hold with 
Mat's view of the case — picturesque feudal castle, rustic scenery, 
versus town house and right-angled streets. I shall explain to 
Childers afterwards that 1 only said it to please his wife. [When I 
do tell him afterwards, he says testily, that " he can't understand how 
a man can be such a humbug," having evidently had a scene with Mrs. 
Childers in consequence of my observation.] 

Poss wants to know if I 'd take a walk in the rain. For exercise. 
I will. Stenton stops at home to do something with some photo- 
graphs he 's been taking. When he 's not writing for a review, he 's 
always going in and out of the back-kitchen with wooden frames, 
glasses, and slips of damp paper. When there's a sun he holds glasses 
up to it. He shows me views of Bovor, and portraits with a backing 
ot coat-sleeve. He says I can't see them now. He 's right. When in 
the back-kitchen, which is a dark place, one may just catch a glimpse 
of him stirring up wet photographs in a large red pie-dish. [His 
pictures are always " getting on," or " coming out very well," but 
they don't come out of the pie-dish, at least while I 'm here.] He 
offers to take one of me. 

Happy Thought.— -To be laken with MS. of Typical Developments in 
my hand. 

My difficulty is to get an expression on my face which shall be neither 
a scowl nor a grin. To be taken to-morrow. Walk now— in the rain. 



TITLES AND HEADINGS OF CHAPTERS OF FORTH- 
COMING NOVELS. 
Poles Asunder. 

Chapter I. Lonely Lane. 

II. The Note in the pink Envelope. 
III. The Splash in the " Dutchman's Pit." 
Fast and Loose. 

Chapter I. The Match for £100,000 between T/ie Casual 
and Asphalt um. 
II. The Champagne Supper at De Tawnay's. 
III. The Struggle in the Tunnel. 
Changed at Nurse. 

Chap. XXXIX. What they found in the Coal Cellar. 

XL. Lucia Burgoyne lets down her back hair. 
XLI. The Spot on the Floor. 
XL II. A Telegram in Cipher. 
Daggers Drawn. 

Chapter XIII. Another Doctor called in. 
XIV. Violet Eyes. 

XV. Inspector Ferrett finds the Phial. 
Spots on the Sun. 

Chapter VI. The Ring at the Front Door Bell. 

VII. In the Rain behind the Haystack — Avice 

Eldon's first Kiss. 
Vfll. Sleaping Churchyard at Midnight. 
Brought to Bay. 
Book the Third. 

Chapter XLVI. A Splendid Woman. 

XLVII. The Pool of Blood in the Osier Holt. 
XLVIII. Blanche Hamerton at her Secret Drawer. 
Book the Fourth. 

Chapter XLIX. The Footstep on the Stairs. 
L. and last. Newgate. 



A MARVELLOUS WOMAN. 



A Lincolnshire paper apprises us that : — 
A THOROUGHLY DOMESTICATED CHRISTIAN LADY is re- 

H quiring a re- engagement as HOUSEKEEPER where one or more Servants are 
kept. She was 11 years in one position, and has been accustomed to Children. Good 
references.— Address X. 

Eleven years in one position! But that she particularly describes 
herself as a Christian lady (a remarkable article, as she supposes in 
this land of heathens) we should imagine that X is a she-Fakeer. We 
wonder what the position was. She must be awfully stiff. On the 
whole we think that she had better slacken herself by a course of 
Turkish Baths before undertaking a housekeeper's duties. It would 
not look well to see her come in hopping, or unable to remove her 
hands from her head, however thoroughly domesticated (how do they 
domesticate a Christian lady ?) she may be. 



The Miser's Paradise.— The Guinea Coast. 



THEATRICAL. 

Numerous applications were received by the Manager of Covent 
Garden from " professionals " wishing to take part in The forty 
Thieves. It was not found possible to offer engagements to the follow- 
ing (amongst others) : — 

The IViief— who stole a march. 

The Thief— in the candle. 

Tlie Thief — who was set to catch a thief. 

T/ie Thief— who stole the "purse" and found it "trash." 

The Thief— who stole up-stairs. 

The Thief— of time, alias Procrastination, aud — 

The Thief— who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants). 

Several correspondents are informed that Dykwynkyn is not the 
author of Masks and Faces. 

" A Mother and a Protestant " may take her daughters to the 
Adelphi to see A Sister's Penance without the slightest hesitation. 
There is nothing in this Play contrary to the tenets of the Reformation, 
or that countenances the absurdities of the Ritualists. 

It is clear that of all the Christmas pieces not one can have so 
much spirit in it as Mountain Dhu. 

Here is a startling novelty in Art ! At the Haymarket you may 
see " The Living Miniatures." 



THE PEACOCKS OF THE CHURCH. 

Ladies sometimes are accused of having gone to Church to exhibit, 
a new bonnet, or to examine the new bonnets which others there 
exhibit. But now that certain parsons are so splendid in their raiment, 
we should think that shawls and bonnets must be less attractive than 
tunicles and albs, and whatever other vestments may chance to be 
displayed. Instead of talking of the Sermon, ladies, after Church, will 
criticise the robes worn by the clergyman, and we shall hear such 
observations as " What a lovely tunicle the rector wore this morning ! " 
or " What a sweet thing in dalmatics the vicar had to-day ! " 

Gorgeous vestments clearly are befitting to a Church, whose Founder 
specially enjoined us to pay no regard to raiment. Clearly, too, the 
robes of rainbow colours, the velvets, silks and satins now in fashion 
with some parsons, are precisely the tilings proper to be worn by the 
rectors of a Church, whereof the curates are in some cases dependent 
upon charity to provide them with clothes. 



The Antiquity of Beer. — Tradition has omitted to preserve a 
fact relative to the early historian, Berosus. I le was fond of old ale. 



14 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 12, 1867. 




BOXING-DAY. 

{Mrs. Bustleton s favourite Cabman has called for his usual Christinas- Box in a state of never mind.) 

Mrs. B. " Oh, Sawyer, I'm Surprised — I thought you such a Steady Man ! I 'm sorry to see you given to Drink !" 
Sawyer. " Beg y' Par'n Mum, no s'h 'hing Mum (hie). Drink 'ash gi'm t' me, Mum, 'sh Morn'n, Mum! !" 



A QUEER CHRISTMAS DAY. 

Can the gentleman named in the following extract from the Times 
be the Mr. Lawson who is one of the chiefs of the United Kingdom 
Alliance, and was formerly Member for Carlisle ? — 

"A Veoet IRIAN Festival. — A rather remarkable festival was held at Blenner- 
hasset, Cumberland, on Christmas-day, upon the farm of Mr. William Lawson, son 
of Sir Wilfred Lawson, of Brayton. The farm is conducted upon the co-operative 
principle — a tithe of the profits being divided among the workers, and Mr. William 
Lawson and his servants are vegetarians." 

For, if so, there can be no wonder in any sane mind that he has 
ceased to represent that borough. Diet may be regarded as very much 
a matter of taste ; still there are probably few rational beings who 
will not think they discern somewhat of eccentricity, at least, in the 
foundership of the feast thus described : — 

" At nooD a meal of grain, fruit, and vegetables was given, which rather sur- 
prised some of the beef-eating peasantry who had assembled to take part in the 
festival. There were raw turnips, boiled cabbages, boiled wheat, boiled barley, shelled 
peas (half-a ton of each r>f these three last named) ; oatmeal gruel, 'with chopped 
carrots, turnips, and cabbage in it ; boiled horse beans, boiled potatoes ; salads, 
made of chopped carrots, turnips, cabbages, parsley, 4c, over which was poured 
linseed boiled to a jelly." 

This repast was preceded by the entertainments hereinunder 
specified : — 

" All the people of the district who chose to write beforehand for free tickets or 
to pay id. on Christmas-day were invited. Musicians were requested to take their 
instruments with them, and it was added * those who like may bring their own 
spoons.' About 1,000 people attended. The farm buildings were decorated, and in 
the large rooms singing and danciDg and lecturing on phrenology, co-operation, 
vegetarianism and physiology went forward at intervals during the day." 

The mixture of mental provender supplied by Mr. Lawson to his 
guests appears to have been about equally heterogeneous with the 
material banquet which he placed before them. That the character of the 
latter may be fully and duly appreciated, our readers must know that : — 

"As there were no condiments of any kind, either upon the extraordinary 



messes or the table, and all being cold except the potatoes, it may be imagined that 
the guests did not sit down with much relish to their vegetarian fare." 

Hunger is said to be the best of sauces; but even that condiment 
appears to have been as absent from Mr. Lawson's board as salt, 
vinegar, mustard, and pepper. His guests had doubtless had enough 
of his dinner; yet we are told that "each one" offthe beef-eating 
peasantry, as well as the herbivorous Lawsonites, " had an apple and 
a biscuit presented to him on rising from the table." The conclusion 
of this remarkable Christmas-day's festivities was answerable to the 
previous jollification : — 

" In the course of the afternoon Mr. Lawson's two steam engines, called by him 
' Cain ' and ' Abel,' set off with steam up and whistles screaming to lead a proces- 
sion over the farm, but tbey did not get very far, and the procession was rather a 
straggling one. Good order was maintained all day, the farm servants of the 
establishment acting as officers, and Mr. W. Lawson himself performing the duty 
of special constable — a fact which was announced by placards posted up on the farm 
buildings, bearing the words, ' William Lawson, sworn constable.'" 

The nature of the " establishment," at which such fantastic diver- 
sions as those above related were practised, would hardly be imagined 
to be simply agricultural. There are certain institutions at which the 
inmates, by scientific management, are enabled to exercise such faculties 
as they possess in various industries. It would naturally be taken, in 
the absence of knowledge to the contrary, for one of those. Phrenology 
is enumerated among the entertainments provided for the vegetarians 
of Blennerhasset. What had it to say to their heads ? Perhaps that 
the development of vegetarians coincided with that of teetotallers, and 
that both were also equal in quality of brain. 

Among all the vegetables consumed by Mr. Lawson and his com- 
pany, it may be remarked that no mention is made of thistles. 



AFTER READING A NOTICE OF THE TWENTIETH. 

Homer is said sometimes to nod. Does he nod assent to all the 
translations that are published of his works ? 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— January 12, 1867. 




RIVAL SWEEPERS. 

General Chorus. ." CLEAR YER DOOR-STEP DOWN, MUM ? " 



January 12, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ANNUS PLORABILIS. 

In vain, Old Year, with summer shows 

Thou striv'st to prank thy dying face, 
Mocking with green the month of snows 

Till winter wears spring's breath and grace. 
A sorry year thou earnest in, 

A sorrier year thou diest out ; 
Little 'twas thine for earth to win, 

But death and dole, dismay and doubt. 

At home, what have thy conquests been ? 

What goodly sheaves thy garner fill ? 
The many's cries, that little mean, 

The few's retorts, ill -word for ill. 
A battle, but no victory won 

A problem set, but still to solve ; 
Loose arguments, the grasp that shun, 

In vicious circles to revolve. 

In high finance, in shares and stocks, 

Swindling, collapse of credit wide, 
A murrain on our herds and flocks, 

With watchful Cholera at its side. 
High Church, with Mumbo-Jumbo rites, 

Stopping the road 'twixt man and heaven ; 
Low Church, content with Sabbath slights 

Of Mammon, Lord six days in seven. 

Death-dealing, e'en as it expired, 

Thy breath spread ruin and dismay; 
Kindled the spark the mine that fired, 

Its hundreds at a stroke to slay. 
Unto the palace of our pride, 

And all its gathered treasures rare, 
Thy dying hand the torch applied, 

And left a ruin blank and bare ! 

Abroad, at one another's throats 

Kings letting loose the dogs of war ; 
By armed hosts, or doctored votes, 

The nations' landmarks shifted far. 
Soldiers in rivalry increased, 

Till nations into armies turn, 
And Peace goes armed when War has ceased, 

That scarce their difference you discern. 

Shakings of thrones, kings hunted out ; 

Of race and blood strange throes in air ; 
And throne of thrones, its props struck out, 

All tottering, St. Peter's chair. 
Go hence, Old Year, and hide thy head, 

Leaving thy awful tasks undone 
To the Young Year, with lightsome tread 

And hopes of youth that fears outrun ! 



ANNUS MIRABILIS. 

The old year raised his dying head, 

With pity in the glazing eye, 
Though curses rang around his bed, 

And not a loving look was nigh. 
And all the angry tongues were hushed, 

As with light like eve's after-glow 
The sharpening features fired and flushed, 

And he spake solemnly and slow. 

" What metes have ye to mete my task ? 

What scales to weigh my good and ill P 
Is yours the verdict I should ask 

On what I leave or what fultil ? 
Pools ! that with the foot-rules of man 

Think to gauge Him, who guides the spheres — 
Whose voice, e'en through your buzz and ban, 

Sounds audible for reverent ears. 

" ' Murrain and Plague '—Did not my hands 

Bring blessing, even bringing these ? 
Shake penny-wisdom, where she stands 

Guarding the dirt that breeds disease. 
Prove pestilence another name 

For duty shirked, and work ill-done ; 
Show where air, light, and water came, 

How baffled Cholera must run. 

" ' Wars that shift land-marks, shatter thrones : 

Armings of nations, far and wide ' — 
Is'not seed fed on dead-men's bones, 

Seed of large growths that shall abide ? 
The year that made North-Germans one, 

Swept Italy of aliens free, 
Can show, besides these great things done, 

Ground laid for greater things to be. 

" ' Strange stirs of blood, new throes of race, 

Seeking new order, spurning old ' — 
Is it so hard His hand to trace 

In young loves lit, grey hates grown cold ? 
The year that laid, 'neath ocean wild, 

The wires of peace, good-will to man, 
'Twixt mighty mother, mighty child, 

Is not a year toblame and ban. 

" ' Battles of church and creed and class, 

Roguery unmasked, and fraud laid bare ' — 
Does the storm end with storm, nor pass 

And leave behind a healthier air ? 
The ills and miseries that men know 

Are springs of good they cannot see : 
Blest, and not curst, hence let me go ; 

Dark ' Has Been ' still shapes bright ' To Be.' " 



WHITE UPON BLACK. 

Mr. Punch has been abused for abusing the " Black Country," its 
ways and works— or, rather, its foul ways and its neglects. Some of 
the ladies of Wolverhampton, and of its gentlemen, too, in all proba- 
bility, have emptied the phials of their wrath on Mr. Punch's head for 
rudely calling spades " spades ; " an offence he never dreamed of being 
hauled over the coals for by a spade-making community. 

Since his answer to his Wolverhampton censors appeared, he has 
received a letter, which shows that among the things which " they 
manage better in France," are parts "at least of their " Black Country." 
His correspondent, who writes from) Paris, and encloses his name, 
after a compliment which Mr. Punch's modesty forbids his putting in 
type, goes on — 

" I read your reply to the Ladies of Wolverhampton on my return from visiting 
one of the gTeat iron foundries of France, which, though under one proprietorship, 
is a small ' black country ' of itself. I will tell you what I saw in that great 
French factory. I saw a town of 25,000 inhabitants, wholly built and owned by the 
miners and ironworkers themselves, who buy their land in fee simple from their 
employers as they require it for building. I saw 10,000 of these people, some few 
of them women, who do light out-door work, go daily to their duties, and 4,000 of 
their children go daily to their schools. I saw drawings and attended historical 
and scientific examinations in the higher classes of these schools, which would have 
done credit to Kugby and Eton, and heard, with a longing wish, that it were so in 
England : how none were allowed to leave the school for the workshop till they 
could read and write well, and do some arithmetic; and I heard with no surprise 
that several of the higher boys have passed up into the school of Government 
Engineers in France. I saw the chateau of the proprietors standing In the very 
midst of this town of workmen, and, within it, assembled round the venerable 
founder of this great industry, a little society principally composed of tho officials 
of the place, which in refinement and intellect would have done honour to any 
capital in Europe. 



" I saw all this, Sir, but I did not see a policeman, or a soldier. I believe there 
were in the place (of course not near the areas) three of the former, but none of the 
latter ; and finally, during a ten days' stay, I did not see a drunken man, though I 
once heard one." 

This is no community of hammer-men in Utopia — no black country 
of Cloud-land — but an actual translation ot Bilston, TiptoD, or 
Dudley, out of the vernacular of our Black Country, into French. 
This happy valley is called Le Creusot, situate in the department of 
Saone-et-Loire. The proprietors are not angels, but plain men, trading 
under the designation of " Schneider et Compagnie," and the head 
of the firm is M. A. Schneider, Vice-President of the National 
Assembly. 

Will some great firm, or cluster of firms, kf our Black Country go 
and do likewise ? 



FAT GIRLS. ■ 
A Lady of the teaching sort advertises thus : — 

SCHOLASTIC. — Mrs. Pilgrim, Cornwall House, Longlazyham, 
finding her Boarders so much increased, will REMOVE at Christmas to Nelson 
House. Terms, 25(. ; sisters, 401. Diet unlimited. 

The unlimited diet has increased the young lady boarders to such an 
extent that their governess's old house is too small for the pretty 
giantesses and Miss Daniel Lamberts. Well, but we say. If we 
had a daughter (we haven't), and wanted to send her to a boarding- 
school (we shouldn't), we are by no means sure that we should wish 
Miss Punch to be fed up in this alarming manner. However, we 
admire the lady's frankness, if not her grammar. 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1867. 




A SENSATION WATER-JUMP, OR SPORT (?) IN 1866. 



SONG ON A STEEPLE-CHACE. 

If I had a 'oss wot could and would go, 
D'ye think I 'd ride him to death ? Oh, no ! 
I 'a gallop him easy and cry, Soho ! 
Gently !— 

If, &c. 

When I was at Croydon t'other morn, 
I witnessed cruel sport with scorn, 
The ridin' of a steeple-chase, 
With leaps 'cross every dangerous place. 
If, &c. 

I see a jockey come down smack, 
Whereby he broke the hanimal's back, 
The sight did so my feelins rack, 
I cried, Swells !— 
If, &c. 

As though for breakiu' of the peace, 
The Humane Society's police 
Had up these Swells, for all their slate, 
Before the sitting Magistrate : 
If, &c. 

They told his Worship the disgrace 
Of that barbarious steeple chace ; 
But, lo, the Beak dismissed the case ! 
And thought, I, your Worship — 
If, &c. 

The parties was released from Court, 
Unpunished for their Croydon sport. 
This ain't wot I calls equal laws 
Between the 'oss and donkey's cause. 
If, &c. 

Them Swells their 'osses kills and maims, 
And, though the Press their conduct blames, 



They never gets committed or fined, 
For their Worships and them is both of one mind. 
If, &c. 

Now, I '11 maintain, 'tis werry 'ard, 

Whilst punishment the Beaks award ; 

Whenever by chance it comes to pass 

That a costermonger wollops his hobstinate Ass. 

But, however 

If, &c. 



RIDDLES. 



BY TWO SIMPLETONS. 



Simple Simon wishes to know — 

Why a story handed down from generation to generation is like the 
thing on which the butler carries up the luncheon, and at the same 
time like everything on it ? 

S. S. supplies the solution, Because it is tray-dish-an'-all. [The word 
which S. S. means is, therefore, traditional: so we've guessed it.] 

Simple Solomon sends this : — 

My first is one of several exclamations, 
'Tis also used for gardening operations : 
Of it the slave is oft a holder, 
A nigger will carry it on his shoulder. 
My second is what I will not do 
About my whole, my friend, to you. 
My whole is where I think I '11 stop, 
And so I will : so let it drop. 

We have guessed it. The word of course is — Ho-lel. 

Last and Best. — Why is a (to be continued in our next). 

Latest and Bestest.—I( you saw the Great Khan of Tartary laughing 
fit to kill himself, why might you be sure that he wasn't a Tartar ? 
Because he would evidently be A Merry Khan. 



January 12, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



19 



THE CLOWN'S BOOK OF COOKERY. 

his is an extremely useful little work. Young 
housekeepers especially will find it quite in- 
valuable. It contains above a hundred stage 
receipts for cookery, as practised by our 
clowns. We regret that we can only now 
spare room for two or three of them : — 

pil v«»^ffi\ Jerked Beef— In order to prepare this 

fashionable delicacy, you must first of all 
" bone " a bit of beef, which you may do by 
simply stealing it from any butcher's shop- 
front, or taking it from the tray of the first 
butcher's boy who passes. When a policeman 
comes in sight, which (in a pantomime, at 
any rate) he is pretty sure to do, you must 
jerk your beef behind yon towards your 
friend the pantaloon, saying, as you do so, 
" Look at my jerked beef ! " 

Collared Eels. — The way to collar eels is to 
go to a stage fish-shop where you see some 
eels. Rap at the door smartly, and then lie 
down flat in front of it. Of course the fish- 
monger will fall over you, and pantaloon 
will tumble on him and keep him on the 
ground, while you " collar " all his eels, and 
cram them in your pockets. When the eels 
begin to bite you, which, if they know their business, they ought cer- 
tainly to do, you must jump about and scream as if you were in agony ; 
then flop down on your back, and pretend you have squashed your eels, 
which will afford the greatest satisfaction to " the gods." 

liaised Pie. — First catch your pie. This you can test do by standing 
near a pie-man, and stealing from his pie-can when he is not looking. 
Of course he will run after you, calling out " Stop thief ! " and then 
all you have to do is just to throw your pie up high above his head. 
It is clear that by this process the pie will be a raised one. 




MR. PUNCH TO MR. BRIGHT. 

My deae John, Osborne, Jan. 3rd, 1867. 

I am spending some days here, and it is with regret that I 
apply myself at this time (or any other) to business, but I feel, that 
there is something to be said to you. 

First, old fellow, I wish you a happy new year. Our differences have 
never hindered our good fellowship. It is only half-educated coves, 
and cads, that let political antagonism interfere with the courtesy and 
jollity of private life. And talking of jollity, that was a capital evening 
at my house. I could not help commemorating it in a Cartoon. Come, 
didn't Bob Lowe tell good stories— not that some of yours were not 
first rate ? As for my own epigrams, you both declared with a frank- 
ness that did you honour that you never heard anything like them. If 
you meant anything disrespectful, I forgive you. 

But after pleasure, business. Mr. Dickens makes Richard, Duke 
of Gloucester, reverse this arrangement, and insist on killing the King 
in the Tower before smothering the babbies, but I like my own way. 
Doctors now recommend the sugar-plum before the physic, as that 
arrangement destroys much of the nastiness. 

Now, see here. We are on the eve of a jolly political row. The 
meeting of Parliament is fixed. Now, I say, let us fight through this 
coming campaign like gentlemen. 

It is rather a good sign that you, my dear John, are personally 
getting : uncommonly particular as to what is said about you. Divers 
folks of late have retorted some of the freedoms which you have been 
taking with all kinds of persons, and you have been abused. I see 
that you set your clerk, Mills, and your little brother Jacob, to 
write letters complaining of these things, and you have yourself burst 
out upon some parson who has called you names. You repay him by 
calling him worse names, and pitying a congregation that sits under 
such a muff. 1 was glad to notice this. I won't say that it isn't cool, 
lou have been for months saturating the minds of the least instructed 
classes with a conviction that rich people not only maintain bad 
government, but are the personal enemies of the poor, and then you 
cavil at a few coarse [expressions in return. Somebody accused you 
of saying that the poor only ought to make laws for the rich. I did 
not read anything of the sort in your speeches, and I don't think you 
would talk such nonsense. But if you countenance the idea of 
Manhood Suffrage, what else is this than asserting the right of the 
loor to legislate. Who but the poor would have rule if Manhood 
buffrage were law ? But I am not finding fault, I am applauding 
your sensitiveness. Keep it up, my dear John, cultivate it, and give 
others credit for the same feeling. 



I have said that we are going to have a jolly row, and you may as 
well know my Platform. I expect that I shall have to hit hard, and 
you know that I hit from the shoulder. But I have always hit fair, 
and I mean to do the same thing again. I am in capital training, and 
1 think that you will applaud my style of fighting, even if you should 
have the misfortune to catch a staggerer, now and then, and have to 
look nine ways for First Day. 

I was a Reformer, my John, when you were a very young man, and 
I am a Reformer now that you are fifty-six or so. (By the way, Bob 
Lowe and you were born in the same year. I wonder which first gave 
his nurse a black eye). Aid I know what I mean by Reform. You 
don't know what you mean, or you would not preach one thing in the 
House, and another among Odgers, Rodgers, Bubb, and Gill, and 
that lot. You can't tell me what you mean, but I can tell you wnat I 
mean, in regard to the kind of Reform of which we are now thinking, 
the extension of the Suffrage. 

This Suffrage I want to give to the intelligent, moral, self-respecting 
Artisan, who lives in a decent home, who if he has children, educates 
them, aud who is an honourable citizen of whose aid in supporting and 
improving our Institutions all thoughtful men should be glad. 

I mean to support a Reform Bill which shall give the suffrage to this 
man, and to some others now excluded. I don't care who brings the 
Bill in, but I tell you frankly that I don't see that the traditions of the 
Conservatives, and the absurd terrors of a good many of them, will 
permit them to make a complete measure. But if they do, I will 
support it, and if they don't, I will let fly at them, right and left. 

And I will also let fly at you, my dear John, and at anybody else 
who proposes to do mischief. Above all, I will put down the agitators 
for Manhood Suffrage, who would swamp both the educated and the 
artisan classes in an ignorant and passionate Mob. 

Do you believe that I will give votes to all who happen "not to be 
paupers, and not to have been convicted of crime ? " according to the 
precious definition of the Manhood Suffrage party. " Emancipate the 
Unconvicted," seems to me to be a pretty sort of cry for a great and 
noble nation. No, my dear John, I draw the line a good way from the 
edge of the dock. A man convicted of any offence should lose his 
vote for seven years, and a man convicted of any serious offence 
(Totness bribers and Lambeth cheats, for instance) should be dis- 
franchised for life. But I want as my fellow-voter a man who is not 
likely to be convicted. And you, if sincere, would give the vote to 
thousands who are extremely likely to be convicted, and I hope will 
be. No, my dear John Bright. 

The Constitution of England is too solemn and serious a thing to be 
played with. I will not have it — 

" Butchered to make a Beales's holiday." 

It contains its own machinery for its improvement, and that machinery 
shall be worked, and it will work admirably, as of old. I will allow no 
violence. I will have'no beams removed by explosions. I will have no 
bulwarks torn down like Hyde Park railings. Do you mark me, John ? 
Let those who dare talk of physical force beware of such physic as I 
will give them. This Reform shall be. the result of conviction, not of 
fear, and it shall be slowly and conscientiously worked out, according 
to the ancient usage of England. Do you mark me, John ? 

Now, let us gird up our loins, whatever that operation means, or 
rather let us put on our great coats and hats and gloves, and go down 
to the House of Commons, attend the Great Debate, and if we are of 
the talking sort, take part therein. But let us, in the name of all 
that is decent and in good taste, address ourselves to the fray in the 
spirit of gentlemen. Order your tail of Caeklers to hold their tongues 
and go home. If you don't, and there is the slightest attempt at 
intimidation of Parliament, I shall assemble it at Windsor, or Oxford, 
or in Iona. For, please Providence, this great problem shall be 
worked out with the calmness due to a great constitutional process. 

There, my dear John. Now you know my sentiments. I might 
add more, but the Dowager Duchess of Athole has just sent a great 
snow- ball at my window as a hint to me to brush my hair and come to 

^ uncn * Ever yours affectionately, 

Fifth Day. 



What the Metropolitan Vestries Sang after the Great 
Snow-fall, Jan. 2, 1867. 

Air — " Nix my Dolly." 

Sitting at home so nice and warm, 
We don't care nuffin for the storm, 

Fake away ! 
Parishioners their rates do pay, 
The snow must clear itself away. 
Oh ! Nix {to other Vestrymen over their brandy-and-Kaier), 

my jolly palls, (derisire/y) clear away ! 
Nothing of Nix will we clear away. 

[Dance of Vestrymen, and all go to bed. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE RING. 



THE HEIRDOM OF HAMPSTEAD HEATH. 

The brave are of the brave and good ; 

In steers and steeds, of sires innate 
Is mettle, nor the dove's meek brood 

Fierce eagles do progenerate. 

The bearer of a noble name 

May mount the coach-box ; choose the lot 
Of groom, or jockey, or, more shame, 

Be knave, or profligate, or sot ; 

But, how a name may be defiled, 
A guess the shrewd old saw supplies ; 

For truly still 'tis said, the child 
That knoweth its own father 's wise. 

A gentleman of lineage old 

Of Hampstead's Manor was the Lord, 
Its noble Heath, from being sold 

To builders, he resolved to ward. 

From bricks-and-mortar, by his Will, 
Sacred he thought to keep the scene, 

Preserve the beauty of the Hill, 
The trees, the heather, and the green. 

To all ancestral feelings dead, 

His heir is of another mind, 
With eye to mere pelf, like one bred 

And born of an ignoble kind. 

To pile with stucco Hampstead Heath 
Sir Thomas Wilson has begun. 

Wise father he, who can bequeath 
His land, securely, to his son S 



Italian Motto for the Frontispiece to the New Illustrated 
Edition of Dante. — Do-re mi fa. 



EVENINGS FROM HOME. 

To see Mr. T. Robertson's play of Ours, which did much content 
me. As at the New Royalty, in Meg's Diversions and Black-Eyed Susan, 
so here, the actors play thoroughly well together. The piece is of 
course by this time an established success, and a genuine success too. 
Ars celare artem, and, with one single stagey exception, this piece is so 
thoroughly well acted as quite to remove from the spectator's mind the 
notion that he is looking at acting. Of the exception I shall only say 
that he is the tallest gentleman in the company, and the one who evi- 
dently fancies himself most of all at his ease. The piece is well written, 
but that alone wouldn't have insured its great success, which I, there- 
fore, feel myself justified in attributing generally to good stage manage- 
ment. The author knows how to write for the stage, but, beyond this, ne 
is evidently capable of directing the actors how to play his piece. The 
actors are to be praised for thoroughly carrying out the author's inten- 
tions. I '11 be bound that most actors, of any position at all, would 
have thrown up the part of the Russian Prince in disgust. 

I have also seen the Covent Garden Pantomime by Gilbert a 
Beckett, whose first success will, for the sake of Auld lang syne, be 
hailed by Mr. Punch with real pleasure. Great praise is due to 
Messrs. Grieve and Matt Morgan for the ingeniously designed 
Transformation, which, however, is not so startlingly original as Mr. 
Morgan's Clock in Cinderella. Mrs. Wood is visible any Christmas 
night at the Princess's, playing The Invisible Prince, and I can't but think, 
that in a livelier part and a more bustling piece, she will prove herself a 
very first-rate burlesque actress, in a special line of her own. The last 
scene at this theatre is beautiful, and, with its cool groves and dripping 
wells, is quite refreshing after the gorgeous fiery displays at the larger 
houses. 

Controversial Query. 

The Ritualists draw arguments in favour of the celibacy of the 
clergy from the most ancient ecclesiastical writers. How can they 
consistently appeal in such a case as this to those who, on all hands, 
are admitted to have been Fathers. 



The Great American " Race." — Across the Atlantic. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 21, Holtord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the Conntv ol Middlesex, at the Printing Oiflcef of Messrs. Bradburr, Evans. & co..Tnmbard 
Street, In the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and PubUshed by Mm at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— Siiordit , Januabi 12, 1S6T. 



January 19, 1807.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 



MEMS. MADE IN THE FROST. BY A. S. CATOR. 




FTER me the deluge." Just what I said of you, Mr. Frost, when 
our water-pipes burst, and I had to go for the plumber at 6 a. m. 

My youngest boy was sorely disappointed at the skating being over 
so soon. To make amends, he had some slides— for his magic lantern. 

Vagueness and uncertainty to a degree almost incredible were dis- 
played by well-dressed young men and women, expensively educated 
at public schools, universities, and fashionable finishing boarding 
establishments, on the subjects of zero, freezing-point, degrees of 
frost, and the difference between Fahrenheit and Reaumur. 

My young friend, Burton Joyce, broke the ice on the Serpentine, 
and proposed to Mavis Enderby. He is over head and ears now, but 
she is humane, and will extricate him. 

I had the courage to go to Miss Woburn's dance. It was a regular 
snowball. Several stiff people thawed — after supper. 

Four-wheel Cabs made a handsome thing of it. 

People were getting meteorological (a Knotty word for you to set 
your victims to spell, Messieurs the Civil Service Examiners !) in their 
talk. Mr. Venham said of a rich but vulgar woman, that she was 
several degrees below gentility point. 



People were also becoming very cruel, for they had begun to go 
about sleighing their friends. 

_ Jesterby, one of those detestable creatures who are always asking 
riddles, compared me to a Welsh mountain, because I was Snow'don. 
After much hard thinking, I saw the drift of his joke. 

Old Singleton, devoted to his whist, declared that all through the 
frost his best cards were ruffed. 

As a proof of the severitv of the season, several ecclesiastical digni- 
taries were seen, in St. Paul's Churchyard, clearing away the snow in 
their shovel-hats. 

How grand we grow ! One broken-down old labourer asked 
another, who was working at the snow in front of my town residence, 
whether he was doing it " by contract ! " 

The frost was bad for the laurels in the shrubberies : it was not 
good for the green baize in the theatres. 

A foolish practice not altogether disused suggested a proverb : Don't 
make matters worse, don't sprinkle salt on snow. 

Everybody put on extra clothing except Arthur and Amy, who 
were wrapped up in each other before. 



CALL A SPADE A SPADE. 

The writer of an article in the Daily Telegraph has demonstrated 
that the people called Ritualists are, beyond all question. Dissenters. 
Mr. Punch had, long ago, pointed out the same fact, when he suggested 
that, for the sake of analogy, the Puseyites had better be called Puseyan 
Methodists. If the followers of Wesley were styled Wesleyans, the 
adherents of Dr. Pusey ought, a fortiori, to be named Puseyans ; for 
Dr. Wesley never taught doctrines contrary to any of the Thirty-nine 
Articles, nor did any of his disciples ever call them forty stripes save 
one. Whereas, whether the teaching of Dr. Pusey is right or wrong, 
he distinctly asserts what one, at least, of those articles distinctly denies. 
Calling names is low, and nobody who claims the right to think for 
himself can, unless he is an ass as well as a bigot, presume to call any- 
body else a heretic. Roman Catholics, indeed, can quite consistently 
denominate the Puseyites or Ritualists heretics, and their leader an 
heresiarch. But those who, equally with them, stand anathematised by 
the Pope, would only, by applying those terms to them, stultify them- 
selves. Give a dog a bad name, and hang him. But the appellation 



Dissenter, is not a bad name. Those who bear it mostly rejoice in it. 
And so should Dr. Pusey. So should his tail. They need not be 
ashamed of a name that was borne by Bunyan, and Baxter, and Dr. 
Watts. Call them Dissenters, simply as you call a spade a spade. 

Puseyites and Ritualists are convertible terms, and the sect denoted 
by them may finally get converted to Popery. But whilst they remain 
out of the pale of the Pope's church they stand in relation to the 
Church of England simply at the pole opposite to Stiggins. Only the 
bishops ought to let them know where they are. If that is more than 
the bishops can do, or more than they will do, what is there to hinder 
parsons from turning Independents, Baptists, Quakers, or Mormons, 
and yet retaining their position in the Church of England ? Nothing 
but honesty. 

Call, as aforesaid, a spade a spade. And call the Knave of Spades 
the Knave of Spades. 



post janum mars. 
What class in the social scale comes after nursery-maids ? Soldiers. 



vol. lii. 



22 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 19, 1867. 




THE VERY LATEST FASHION. 

Wife. "Have you lost your "Watch, Love?" 

Husband. " No, Dear, 'twas a New Bonnet I had for you somewhere.' 



A RECOMMENDATION. TO RITUALISTS. 

A dreadfully intolerant law prohibits Roman Catholic 
priests from going about in their sacerdotal costume, on 
the wretched pretence of preventing a no-Popery row and 
breach of the peace. But no such law restrains the clergy 
of the Established Church from perambulating the streets 
and thoroughfares in their canonicals. 

It is therefore extremely desirable, for the propagation 
of Puseyism, that Anglo-Catholic divines should fully avail 
themselves of their privilege to march in procession, attired 
in their rubrical vestments in the very height of the fashion 
which the law allows. They will do well to carry plenty of 
ecclesiastical banners, emblems, and images, particularly a 
Madonna and a bambino at their head. 

By frequent recourse to this expedient for converting 
the British Public, they will at least succeed in securing 
numerous followers among the juvenile part of the popula- 
tion, for the boys will follow them. 



BRIGHT AND LOWE. 
(A Remonstrance, after the Laureate.) 

Air—" Soft and Low." 

Bright and Lowe ! Bright and Lowe ! 

Why with small fry make free ? 
Por worthier foe keep your blow, 

Let Garths and Guedallas be. 
Each of you into the other go, 
Lowe into Bright and Bright into Lowe, 

Hammer and tongs for me, 
But let the little ones, let the silly ones, sleep ! 

Sleep and rest, sleep and rest, 

Session will come to ye soon ; 
Rest, rest, at Punch's request, 

Session will come to ye soon : 
Session will come, to see each at his best, 
Breaking a lance on a worthier crest 

Than that of a snob or a spoon : 
Sleep, my wordy one, sleep, my sturdy one, sleep ! 



The Worst Kind of Corkscrew. 
sparing of his Wine. 



-The Man who is 



POLITE CONVERSATION. 

respectfully modernised from the celebrated scene by 
jonathan swift, d.d. 

A Dinner at tlie House of Sir Bilberry Tunks, M.P., in Belgravia. 
The Party has just sat down. 

A Colonel {in great measure covered by the dresses of his fair neighbours). 

Not at all. Thanks. Plenty of room— aw. Pray, don't {Studies tlie 

menu.) Ah! {to himself.) Another of Tunks's long, heavy dinners. 
Wish I hadn't come. {Privately inspects his neighbours?) Don't know 
the old woman. Couldn't catch the name of the girl I brought down. 
Good complexion— big ears. No {to menial), the clear. {Eats his soup. 
Wipes his moustaches, and thinks he may as well say something.) Riding 
this morning, I think ? 

Mrs. Wambleby {the " old woman ") looks round at the sound of his 
voice, but perceives that he could not have been addressing her. 

Miss Glitterking. No, indeed ! Papa would not hear of my going 
out ; he said that the frost made it quite dangerous. Do you really 
think that there would have been any danger ? 

Colonel. Not a bit. That is, not to a good horsewoman, which 
you are. 

Miss Glitterking. Well, I don't know that I am good, but I am not 
in the least frightened. 

Colonel. Yes, you ride very well. I have often noticed it. {He never 
saw her before!) 

Miss Glitterking. 0, have you ? {Laughing!) 

Colonel. O yes. {Smiles, and thinks that he has done enough in the 
way of sparkle for the present.) Turbot. {Eats it.) 

Mrs. Wambleby {after along pause, severely). You shouldn't encourage 
young ladies to set up their judgments against those of their parents. 

Colonel {frightened out of his senses al this sudden onslaught). I assure 
you — I — 0— exactly, yes, yes. {Wonders what right the old woman had 
to attack him, and also what right she has to stick her old self over with all 
those diamonds.) 



Sir Bilberry Tunks {in continuation). But in the present state of 
parties, and the even balance which exists, it is difficult to say whether 
a definite policy— yes, a rissole— foie gras, isn't it ? yes— a definite policy 
would not disintegrate 

Mr. Snigger {a wit, to his next neighbour). Disintegrate— that 's a good 
word — sounds like the nigger minstrels, don't it ? 

Miss Millikins. Hush — don't make me laugh, please. He is looking 
at us. 

Mr. Snigger. L'm a looking at you, Miss Millikins. Yes, take 
some supreme. Have you heard this riddle ? 

Miss Millikins. no, tell me. I adore riddles. 

Mr. Snigger. What is the difference between an accident and a mis- 
fortune ? 

Miss Millikins {eagerly). I don't know. 

Mr. Snigger. I '11 give you an illustration. If Mr. Bright were to 
fall into a river, that would be an accident. 

Miss Millikins. Ah, I don't understand politics. 

Mr. Snigger {aside). Stupid idiot! {To her.) But it isn't exactly 
political. It may be anybody. {Solto voce.) Let us say Sir Bilberry. 
If he were to fall into a river it would be an accident. 

Miss Millikins. Yes. 

Mr. Snigger {aside). 0, she understands that. {To her.) But if he 
were to get out again, that would be a misfortune. 

Miss Millikins. O, delightful ! 

Mr. Snigger {aside). More than you are. {Eats a colelette, and. 
it cold, privately anathematises tlie house of Tunks, and hopes Sir Bil- 
berry will lose his seat on petition!) 

Mrs. Cranchling {to her neighbour). Well, she has been pointed out to 
me at the Opera. 

Mr. Be Mumbles {laughing). Of course I mean that. ' Well, a fellow 
told me this afternoon that — {sinks his voice, and it would be as well if he 
sunk his scandal). 

Mrs. Cranchling {delighted). 0, but that 's very sad. Very -ad 
indeed. And his wife is so pretty — I thought they were so attached. 

Mr. Be Mumbles. So did everybody. But everybody docs not know 
everything. 



January 19, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



23 



Mrs. Cranchling. Is it true, do you think ? 

Mr. De Mumbles. Why, I suppose I ought not to tell you, but the 
fellow who told me— (voice sinks). 

Mrs. Cranchling. Well, well, it 's very shocking ; but, as a mother, T 
suppose I must say that young men will be young men. But there can 
be no excuse for the Viscount. 

Mr. De Mumbles. Awful ass, that 's the only excuse . 

Lady Tunks (to her neighbour). O, don't look at me as if I knew any- 
thing about the dishes. When we lived in the country, it was my 
business, but Bibby won't let me interfere now. 1 like to see my 
dinner. 

Major Blaggon (an old sponge). So do I, my dear Lady Tunks, 
and — a— a— admirable and elegant as this — a— a— arrangement is, I 
own that to recognise the— a— genius of the lady of the house in a — 
a— banquet, gives it an irresistible charm for me. But then I'm an old 
fellow — one of an old school. 

Lady Tunks. Of a good school, Major, I'm sure. And if ever you 
find your way into Norfolk, I hope that you will come and see us. 

Major Blaggon (who intends to find out that way moyennaut Bradshaw). 
You are most kind, my dear lady. 1 think you are near a statiou, by 
the way ? 

Lady Tunks. Only four miles. And then, if we knew, the carriage — 

Professor Omnis. The coal raised in 1S65 amounted to about a ton 
per day for each of the 307,000 persons employed, and the number ot 
collieries at work increased from 2,397 in 1853 to 3,180 in 1863, and 
3 26S in 1805; but if you want an invaluable manual of statistics of 
ail kinds, British and foreign, you should get Frederick. Martin's 
Year-Book. 

Mr. Theodore Slopehead (who had incautiously made a joke about coals, 
and drawn down a pood of information upon himself). Thanks, deeply 
interesting, I'm shaw. No, din dun braisse. 

Professor Omnis. The name dindon, you are aware, indicates that the 
turkey came from what were called the Indies. 

Mr. Slopehead (oppressed). Is he going to improve my mind any 
more? Just so, yes. I recollect. (Doesn't understand it, even now.) 
Noble bud, turkey. Turkey's considered a noble country too, I 
bleeve. 

Professor Omnis. Certainly, for though the area and population are 
known only by estimate, and not as the result of scientific measurement 
and a trustworthy census, we have information enough to enable us to 
approximate to the truth. The population of Turkey in Europe is 
about 15,000,000, and when we add Natolia, Syria, Mesopotamia, 
Arabia, and the African provinces, we arrive at a total of 35,000,000. 
The area is about 1,812,048 acres, so that the population to the square 
mile is 20. Now, if you will classify 

Mr. Slopehead is too utterly crushed to do more than make faces at the 
champagne for not being dry enough. 

Mrs. Sternhold (to her neighbour). What nonsense it is for men to talk 
in that way. Merely because she has a pretty face, evidently painted 

Mr. Hopkins (meekly). I think not. 

Mrs. Sternhold. You can see it across the room. And because, as I 
say, she has a pretty face, when it is made up, and writes flashy flippant 
books, you all conspire to call her a Muse. If she were ugly, we should 
soon see how her books would be demolished, and very rightly. 

Mr. Hopkins. Are you not a little hard upon her ? Remember, she 
has never learned anything, and has never been in society. 

Mrs. Sternhold. Then, what does she write for ? 

Mr. Hopkins. Money, I suppose. 

Mrs. Sternhold. Then she'd Detter earn it honestly by going out as a 
governess. 

Mr. Hopkins. Would you let her teach your children ? 

Mrs. Sternhold. I ? No ; but among the lower orders. How can you 
eat those truffles ? Don't you know that pigs find them ? 

Mr. Hopkins. Well, and I eat pigs. (Shuts her up, anyhow.) 

Mr. Gush Carper (a critic, to his neighbour). But, (smiling with indul- 
gent contempt,) you do not mean to say, seriously, that you have been 
told to consider him a great painter ? 

Miss Merridcw (young and pretty). I have not been told, but I use my 
own eyes. 

Mr. Carper (who is between the ages at which we compliment.) Of course, 

if you take that way of (Mumbles out the rest of his sentence and takes 

some Maraschino. Then, has an idea that he might possibly be a Utile mure 
civil, and adds) I mean, you know, that — a — (supremely) he can't paint. 
But if you mean that his things, though worthless, are pretty enougli 
in a sense, I don't know (relapses into his mumbles). 

Miss Merridew. They are very like nature, and they are very pleasant 
to look at often, and they are worth acres of the dirty, old, ugly, dis- 
torted things which are called high art, and which nobody but hypo- 
crites pretend to admire. 

Mr. Carper (liking the girl, while detesting her sentiments). I wish I 
could talk to you in presence of a Rembrandt. 

Miss Merridew (thinks that she would prefer /he distinguished mans 
talking to her in presence of a clergyman). Pray do not register my 
nonsense, as I dare say it is, as an opinion. I would not have said such 
a thing to — to— well (crumbles bread) to a foolish person ; but 1 feel 



that to you one might venture to reveal one's ignorance, as you know 
too much to make it worth your while to be hard on me. 

Mr Carper (kno/>s loo much to take this fly). Nay, but if you care to 
be informed — - 

Miss Merridew (does,,'/ in lie lens!, I, 'I listens as If to the .' 
This sort of thing goes on for two hours and a half, when Lady 
Tunks collects some Eyes and rises. At that moment Polite Conver- 
sation is at its height. 

Miss Gliflerki.ig. —and I thought you were such a silent creature. 

Colonel — am. But you have waked me up. 

Sir Bilberry Tunks. —between Democracy and Oligarchy, however,— 

Mrs. H'ambleby. -—(aside) flippant girl— empty man. 

Mr. Snigger. — like a peacock with top-boots ? 

Miss Mittikins. — tell me up-stairs. 

Mrs. Cranchling. —smashed decanters, flowers, everything on the 
table. 

Mr. de Mumbles, —second-hand viciousness, imitated from the demi- 
monde of Paris. 

Major Blaggon. —loses all charm when the ladies desert us. 
_ Professor Omnis. —don't understand. Electricity travels faster than 
light; and— 

Mr. Slopehead (aside). Dk. Lankester '11 sit on e.ie. 

Mrs. Sternhold. —detest mock charity. 

Mr. Hopkins (aside) — dam venomous old woman. 

Mr, Gush Carper - your own forehead and hair, for instance — 

Miss Merridew— please, don't make me so proud. 

The ladies then go up-stairs, and the host, having shut the door, 
takes the seat lately occupied by his wife, calls on the gentlemen to 
help themselves,- and anecdotes set in, which are usually stopped while 
the servants hand round coffee. 




A SHAKSPEARIAN EXERCISE. 

O tell the names of Mr. Shakspeare's Plays 
Is a feat, rather, in these prosy days, 
So here 's a rhyme which (if you don't forget 
A single link) may help you win a bet. 



A A Monster, and two Blaek Men, and a Jew, 

Two Gents, Two Wires, Two Dromios, and a Shrew. 

One John, two Richard, and seven Henry plays ; 

And now get alphabetical. Three A's, 

Angela, Antony, Autolycus, 

Bottom and Benedick, two B's, my muss : 

Two C's, Coriolanus, Caesar. String 

The Dane, the Scot, the ancient British King. 

Borneo, and Rosalind, and Rosaline, 

And Timon and T/iersites ; and entwine 

Three of the dearest darlings seen of men, 

Viola, Mariana, Imogen, 

Lastly, throw in the bumptious fool, Parolles, 

And there 's the list completed, bless your souls. 



" MAKE YOUR GAME ! " 

A new newspaper from Brussels has been sent us, called The Rijle- 
man, containing, among other novelties, the following report : — 

" His Royal Highness the Count ok Flanders, while hunting lately in the Forest 
of Soignies, killed, reckoning the other guests of the company, 200 game." 

This is inserted beneath the heading, "Sport;" and we long ago 
have learnt that what is sport to others may to some be death. Still, 
we hope our new contemporary has been misinformed. We trust it 
is not true that II.R.H. the Count of Flandebs reckons his guests 
among the game which he goes out to hunt. In England such bar- 
barity would render him most- certainly amenable to law, although we 
hear of guests in England complaining that their hosts are killing them 
with kindness ; and we have heard of hosts who sometimes, under 
savage provocation, have made game of their guests. 



Degenerate ! 

General Sir Martinet Buckram Stock writes us a furious 
letter on the subject of regimental dress. We extract, the following : 
" What, Sir I " says he, " Are we cowards ! J Are we going to turn 
our backs on the enemy ? Is it for this reason that our soldiers are to 
be costumed more with a view to running than to fighting. Shame ! " 



MUSICAL. 

A certain admirable Tenor always refreshes himself with oysters 
before he sings " /" Native Worth" 



PUNCH, 




HERE YOU SEE 

The most Successful Amateur Musical Party of the Season. Pianos, Harmoniums, &c, provided regardless of Expense. 
Evert Amateur performing at once. Choice of Music optional to each. No one compelled to Listen to any one. Never 
Enjoyed themselves so much in their Lives. Jubilant old Man, in the middle, stone deaf : cause of his Jubilation 
unknown. Hostess looking after Supper. Host smoking quiet Cigar in the Kitchen. 

[Our artist cqwlogiscs if any of the Instruments are incorrectly drawn. The only Instrument he can cither draw or play upon correctly 
is the " bones." — {He came late, and left early.) 



THE GREAT MILL OF BLACKIE AND JONES. 

I sing of a mill that the papers did fill- 
Eight columns of type closely piled — 

At the town of Auld Reekie, in style rather cheeky 
And cool, " Modern Athens," self-styled. 

Where in wordy-duello encountering his fellow — 
A Demosthenes each, with the stones — 

On Democracy's bane and Democracy's gain, 
Ding-dong at it went Blackie and Jones. 

First Blackie went in determined to win, 

Or, O'CoNNOR-like, die on the floor : 
And with ink from the bottle of old Aristotle 

Daubed the ancient Democracies o'er : 
Proclaimed himself foeman of Cicero's Roman, 

Picked Italian republics' old bones : 
Made France sorrow sup, and the Yankees chawed up, 

In the first round of Blackie and Jones. 

'Twas a caution to see with what truculent glee 

To the dead men he gave his one, two : 
How he proved what none questioned, and all of the rest shunned, 

How wide of the question he flew. 
Granting counsel were clients, and windmills were giants, 

That present but echoes past's tones, 
Ne'er were giants so floored, ne'er sucli innings was scored, 

As the first in re Blackie and Jones. 

Then Blackie to match Ernest Jones toed the scratch, 

Por Democracy did his devoir, 
And drew with his blows as much couleur de rose 

As Blackie tapped ronleur de noir: 



With superfluous pluck ran a terrible muck 

At aristocrats, tyrants, and thrones, 
At his own windmills flew, and his own giants slew, 

In round second of Blackie and Jones. 

If our nobles were knaves, and our working-men slaves- 

If steam had not yet been invented ; 
If we kidnapped our labour, and hated our neighbour, 

And with Heathenism's law sat contented : 
If A. D. were B. C. ; England over the sea; 

If our calendar marked ides and nones ! 
But, without these large if's, mere spouting club tiffs 

Are debates a la Blackie and Jones. 

Where Blackie saw evil and deeds of the devil, 

Jones saw good and the Gospel in action: 
But as each made a case, where the facts had no place, 

Honest people may feel satisfaction. 
Fights of BLACKiE-Democracy JoNES-Aristocracy 

Are fights that can never break bones : 
Though they may ease the mind, and get rid of the w;ud 

Of warriors like Blackie and Jones. 



Variation on the Bones. 



A Lecture was advertised, the other day, "On the Skeletons of the 
Primates," — by, we suppose, the kind permission of the Three Graces ; 
that is, his Grace of Canterbury, his ol York, and his of Dublin. 



Proverb by our Servant-of-all-Work.- 
Dishes. 



-Wishes won't wash 



January 19, 1SG7.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



27 




A CHIVALRIC BALLAD. 

" A Langpout Romance. — On Sunday the congregation at Huish Church were 
amused by the forbidding of banns of marriage between Fred. Biddlecombe, of 
Muchelney, and a girl named Anne Harris, of Huioh Episcopi. A dispute had 
arisen between the parties in consequence of a soldier baviug met the couple and 
insisted on a prior claim to the girl. A fight ensued, and shortly afterwards HaRBis 
decamped with the soldier, taking Biddeecombe's best clothes with her." — Bristol 
Mirror. 

ilt kneel before the holy priest, 
And be my blushing bride, 
Thy life shall be one pleasant 
feast, 
Myself thy friend and guide." 

So spoke young Biddlecombe 
the brave, 
His hand in hand of Anne's,' 
Her whispered answer Annie 
gave, 
" My Fred, put up the 
banns." 

He published once, he published 
twice, 
That reverend priest and good, 
This Sabbath day to publish 
thrice 
In holy church he stood. 

" If any know a righteous cause 
Why these should not be wed, 

Cite the divine or human laws 
On which they seek to. tread." 

Young Biddlecombe he smole a smile, 

Fair Annie blushed a blush, 
When up the consecrated aisle 

A Soldier rushed a rush. 

His face was bronzed by Eastern suns, 

He seemed to come from far, 
As one who 'd charged on Indian guns, 

And fought the Russian Czar. 

To his broad brow his manly hand 

He raised in grave salute. 
Theplighted pair that Soldier scanned 

With gesture stern and mute. 

Then turning to the priest he said, 

" I do forbid those banns." 
The bridegroom's cheeks are fiery red, 

And pale are lovely Anne's. 

" Before I joined the Banks of Death, 

Our foemen to defy, 
To me she pledged her troth and faith, 

Anne ! answer, if I lie." 

No answer gave the trembling maid, 

But glistening tears she shed, 
Outspoke the bridegroom, " Who 's afraid ? 

I 'II punch that Soldier's head." 

In vain the frighted Beadle cried 

" This here 's no place for jaw," 
The lovers and intending bride 

From holy church withdraw. 

And e'er the good and reverend man 

On knees hath meekly kneeled, 
They stand, those twain, and faithless Anne, 

In an adjacent field. 

Brave Biddlecombe flings down his coat 

His Sunday coat so gay. 
The Soldier Irom his manly throat 

Tears his cravat away. 

From Huish there hurries many a clown, 

They form the fatal ring : 
The Soldier fires a furious noun, 

Unmeet for bard to sing. 

Then stern on guard, like Saxon men, 

They both together fell, 
U cither spoke his rival then 

'Twas scarce to wish him well : 



Slap- bang with left the lover leads, 

His right flies nobly out ; 
He 's home ! he 's home ! the Soldier bleeds 

From his sarcastic snout. 

Ha ! well returned, the stream of gore 
From Frederick's muzzle drips, 

That kissing-trap shall never more 
Entrap sweet Anna's lips. 

Then with twin yell the champions close, 

And hit the best they can, 
And blackened eyes and flattened nose 

Attest the English Man. 

By Jove, 'twould stir a coward's heart 

Would make a mourner gay, 
To see them on each other dart, 

And nobly pound away. 

While Anne sits weeping on the grass, 
And knows not which to choose, 

Between that Soldier's arm of brass, 
And Frederick's iron thews. 

'Tis done, 'tis done, that fatal blow, 
Has stretched him, lax and loose, 

He strives to rise ; Brave Frederick, no, 
Cooked, Biddlecombe, thy goose. 

One glance of hate, from darkened eyes, 

The conquering Soldier sped, 
Then whispers Anna, " Love, arise, 

And marry me instead." 

She rose and followed him, to stray 
Far from dull Huish's ditches ; 

But called at Frederick's on her way, 
And stole his last new breeches. 




32=uj**" 



SELF-GOVERNMENT v. SHELF-GOVERNMENT. 

(By an Indignant Metropolitan Rate- payer, with stinking drains, an overflowing dust* | 
bin, an empty cistern, six incites of snoto in Ike street, and a rate-collector on the 
door-mat.) 

Of Local &#"-Government too much we 've heard, 

And Local <5%<"^'-Government should be the word, 

By which, save the duty of taking our pelf, 

Every duty of Government 's laid on the shelf : 

On that shelf, where the loaves and the fishes are stored, 

Which go to, when, except them, all goes by the Board. 



Anson's Annual (1867). 

Next to the Post Office Directory we place the Dramatic Almanack, 
produced by J. W. Anson. By the aid of our " A/iso/i" we can visit 
the birthplaces of our favourite princes, chamber-maids, villains, lovers, 
or singers, and learn all we want to know of their ap- and dis-appear- 
ances. We can recommend this booklet to pass [away pleasantly an hour 
either in an easy-chair before the lire, or when buried in a snow-drift 
in a railway carriage. 



The Whole Duty of (Yestry-)Man.- 
the newspapers. 



-To do nuflin, and to abuse 



Why is my best pair of blue woollen socks like snow-flakes ? 
Because they both get into my best pair of shoes. 



28 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 



[January 19, 1867. 




HOW TO PLEASE AMERICA. 

Ye Gentlemen of England who sail upon the seas, give 
ear unto the paragraph that follows, if you please : — 

" A fund is being raised for the families of the six poor men who 
were so unfortunately swept overboard from the yacht Fv.diOuiy 
during her recent match from New York to Cowe.s." 

Of course all British yachtsmen will heartily contribute 
to so laudable a fund, and there will be a race between 
them, doubtless, to decide who can the most quickly draw 
the largest cheque. So all that Commodore Punch need 
add is, that subscriptions may be paid to the credit of 
the "Fleetwing Fund" at the National Bank, Charing 
Cross, and that the biggest contributions will be thankfully 
received. 



SHIVERLISATION. 

Mr. Qelidouchc (to himself, shivering as he breaks the ice in his bath). "Sh — sh — 
sh ! Wish i wash Knight i' Middle Agesh — b'fore all this — tzt ! {sneezes) 
Shanatory Shivilisation was thought of — (sniffs). P'posterous Rubbish ! " 



RETALIATION FOR LADIES. 

Thrice welcome, Thaw, Deliverer, conies, 

The greedy cabman scowls and swears, 
And flunks upon the awful sums 

Extorted from his bullied Fares. 
How, in those days when snow was ice, 

He waged his war on great and small, 
At times exacted ten-fold price, 

At times refused to go at all. 

Now, blest be Thaw, the snow is mud 

Which rains and carts will clear away, 
It drips with tears, it falls with thud, 

In turn the Public has its day. 
When next the greedy Cabman begs 

For extra sixpence, answer "No" — 
What joy to knock him off his legs 

With " B lease remember New YeaSs Snow.' 



A WARNING TO OXFORD. 



A Terrible Temptation. 

We never see a lady with her hair frizzled out in front, 
without fearing lest some wag should tell us that he thinks 
she ought to call it cheveux defriz. 



It may not be generally known that Logic is a most 
intoxicating study, it being so easy to get drunk on the 
premises. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(Evening at Bovor. A Game at Whist.) 

Evening, after dinner. On the moat in a punt with Engleeield. 
Dark night : cold : damp : romantic, but for this. Englefield says 
abruptly, " Capital point." I ask here, what ? He replies, " Two 
fellows, one the Villain, the other Injured Innocence, in punt : real 
water easily done on the stage. Villain suddenly knocks Injured Inno- 
cence into the water : he sinks : is caught in the weeds below : never 
rises again. Or, on second thought, isn't drowned, but turns up, 
somehow in the last Act." I own it a good idea, and propose going 
in-doors, as I see Mrs. Ciiilders making tea. 

In-doors. — Stenton, the philosopher, says, "Tea is an incentive. 
So much tea is found in every man's brain." Poss says it ought to be 
a caution to anybody not to use hot-water to his face, or he might 
turn his head into a tea-pot. I 'm sorry Poss turns this interesting 
theme into ridicule, as I like hearing Stenton's conversation. He has 
a deep bass voice which is very impressive. There is a pause. Con- 
sidering that we are all more or less clever here, it is wonderful how 
dull we are. I suppose that the truth is we avoid merely frivolous and 
common-place topics. Englefield, who is a nuisance sometimes, 
suddenly looks at me, and asks me to " say something funny." 

I smile on him pityingly. Childers says, "Come, you're last from 
town, haven't you got any good stories ? " This poses me : I know 
fellows who could recollect a hundred. I know fellows, merely super- 
ficial shallow men, who are never silent, who have a story or a joke for 
everything. I consider, " Let me see " : I try to think of one. The 
beginnings of twenty stories occur to me, mistily. Also the com- 
mencements of riddles as far as " Why is a ," or " When is a ." 

I 've got some noted down in my pocket-book, if I could only get out 
of the room and refer to it quietly, in the passage. I can't take it out 
before everybody ; that 's the worst of an artificial memory. 

Happy Thought. — To read two pages of Macmillan's Jest Book every 
morning while dressing, committing at least one story to memory. 



Childers proposes " Whist." I never feel certain of myself at 
whist : I point to the fact that they are four without me. Poss Felmyr 
says if I'll sit down, he'll cut in presently. "I play? " I reply, " Yes, 
a Little." I am Stenton's partner : Englefield and Childers are 
against us. Sixpenny points, shilling on the rub. Stenton says to 
me, " You '11 score." Scoring always puzzles me. I know it's done 
with half-a-crown, a shilling, a sixpence, and a silver candlestick. 
Sometimes one bit of money 's under the candlestick, sometimes two. 

Happy Thought. — To watch Englefield scoring : soon pick it up 
again. 

First Rubber.— Stenton deals : Childers is first hand, I 'm second. 
Hearts trumps : the Queen. It 's wonderful how quick they are in 
arranging their cards. After I've sorted all mine carefully, I find a 
trump among the clubs. Having placed him in his position on the 
right of my hand, I find a stupid Three of Clubs among the spades : 
settled him. Lastly, a King of Diamonds upside down, which seems to 
entirely disconcert me ; put him right. Englefield says, " Come, be 
quick " : Stenton tells me " Not to hurry myself." I say I 'm quite 
ready, and wonder to myself what Childers will lead. 

Childers leads the Queen of Clubs. I consider for a moment what 
is the duty of second-hand ; the word " finessing" occurs to me here. 
I can't recollect if putting on a three of the same suit is finessing : 
put on the three, and look at my partner to see how he likes it. He 
is watching the table. Englefield lets it go, my partner lets it go — 
the trick is Childers's. I feel that somehow it's lost through my 
fault. His lead again : spades. This takes me so by surprise that I 
have to re-arrange my hand, as the spades have got into a lump. 
I have two spades, an ace and a five. Let me see, " If I play the 

five I " 1 can't see the consequence. " If I play the ace it must 

win, unless it's trumped." Stenton says in a deep voice, "Play 
away." The three look from one to the other. Being flustered, I 
play the Ace : the trick is mine. I wish it wasn't, as I have to lead : 
I 'd give something if I might consult Poss, who is behind me, or my 
partner. All the cards look ready for playing, yet [ don't like to 
disturb them. Let me think what 's been played already. Stentox 



January 19, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



20 



asks me, " If I 'd like to look at the last trick." As this will give 
me time, and them the idea that I am following out my own peculiar 
tactics, I embrace the offer. Childers displays the last trick : I look 
at it. I say, " Thank you," and he shuts it up again. Immediately 
afterwards I can't recollect what the cards were in that trick : if I did, 
it wouldn't help me. They are becoming impatient. 

About this time somebody's Queen of Diamonds is taken. I wasn't 
watching how the trick went, but I am almost certain it was fatal to 
tlie Queen of Diamonds : that 's to say, if it was the Queen of Diamonds ; 
but I don't like to ask. The next trick, which is something in spades, 
trumped by Englefield, I pass as of not much importance. Stenton 
growls, " Didn't I see that he 'd got no more spades in his hand." 
Ko, I own, I didn't. Stenton, who is not an encouraging partner, 
grunts to himself. In a subsequent round, I having lost a trick by 
leading spades, Stenton cries out, " Why didn't you see they were 
1 rumping spades ? " I defend myself ; I say I did see him, Englefield, 
trump one spade, but I thought that he hadn't any more trumps. I say 
this as.if I 'd been reckoning the cards as they 've been played. 

Happy Thought. — Try to reckon them, and play by system next 
rubber. 

I keep my trumps back till the last ; they '11 come out and astonish 
them. They do come out, and astonish me. Being taken by surprise, 
I put on my king when I ought to have played the knave, and both 
surrender to the ace and queen. I say, " Dear me, how odd!" I 
think I hear Stenton saying sarcastically in an undertone, " Oh, yes • 
confoundedly odd." I try to explain, and he interrupts me at the end 
of the last deal but two by saying testily, " It's no use talking, if you 
attend, we may just save the odd." 

My friend, the Queen of Diamonds, who, I thought, had been played, 
and taken by some one or other at a very early period of the game, 
suddenly re-appears out of my partner's hand, as if she was part of a 
conjuring trick. Second hand can't follow suit and can't trump. I 
think I see what he intends me to do here. I 've a trump and a 
small club. " When in doubt," I recollect the infallible rule, "play a 
trump." I don't think anyone expected this trump. Good play. 

Happy Thought. — Trump. I look up diffidently ; my partner laughs, 
so do the others. My partner's is not a pleasant laugh. I can't 
help asking, " Why ? isn't that right : it 's ours ? " " Oh, yes," says 
my partner, sarcastically, " it is ours." " Oaly," explains little Bob 
Englefield, " You've trumped your partner's best card." 

I try again to explain that by my computation the Queen of Diamonds 
had been played a long time ago. My partner won't listen to reason. 
He replies, You might have seen that it wasn't." I return, " Well, 
it couldn't be helped, we '11 win the game yet." This I add to en- 
courage him, though, if it depends on me, I honestly (to myself ) don't 
think we shall. After all, we do get the odd trick. Stenton ought to 
be in a better humour, but he isn't ; he says " the odd, we ought to 
have been three." Englefield asks me how Honours are ? I don't 
know. Stenton says, " Why you (meaning me) had two in your own 
hand." " Oh, yes, I had." I 'd forgotten it. Honours easy," says 
Stenton to me. 1 agree with him. Now I 've got to score with this 
confounded shilling, sixpence, half-crown, and a candlestick. 

Happy Thought. — Ask Bob Englefield how he scores, generally. 

He replies, " Oh, the usual way," and as he doesn't illustrate his 
meaning, his reply is of no use to me whatever. How can I find out 
without showing them that I don't know. 

Happy Thought {while Childers deals). — Pretend to forget to score 
till next time. Englefield will have to do it, perhaps, next time, then 
watch Englefield. Just as I 'm arranging my cards from right to 
left 

Happy Thought— -To alternate the colours black and red, beginning 
this time with black (right) as spades are trumps. Also to arrange 
them in their rank and order of precedence. Ace on the right, if I 've 
got one— yes— king next, queen next— and the hand begins to look 

very pretty. I can quite imagine Whist being a fascinating game 

Stenton reminds me that I 've forgotten to mark one up. 

Happy Thought— Fat sixpence by itself on my left hand. Stenton 
asks what 's that for ? 

Happy Thought.— Ho say it's the way I always mark. 

Stenton says, " Oh, go on." I look round to see what we 're wait- 
ing for, and Englefield answers me, " Go on, it 's you ; you 're first 
hand." I beg their pardon. I must play some card or other and finish 
arranging my hand during the round. Anything will do to begin 
with. Here 's a Two of Spades, a little one, 'on my left hand ; throw 
him out. 

" Hfllo ! " cries Englefield, second hand, " trumps are coming out 
early. I quite forgot spades were trumps : that comes of that horrid 
little card being on the left instead of the right. 

Happy Thought— -Not to show my mistake : nod at Englefield, 
and intimate that "He'll see what 's coming." So, by the way, will 
my partner. In a polite moment I accept another cup of tea. I don't 
want it, and have to put it by the half-crown, shilling, and candlestick 
on the whist-table, where I'm afraid of knocking it over, land am 
obliged to let it get quite cold as I have to attend to the game 

Happening to be taking a spoonful, with my eyes anxiously on the 



i cards, when my turn comes, Stenton says, "Ztoplay, nevermind 
j your tea." Whist brutalises Stenton : what a pity ! 

Happy Thought.— -Send this game, as a problem, to a Sporting paper. 

Happy Thought.— Why not write generally for Sporting papers ? 

Stenton says, "Bo play ! " I do. 



PAROCHIAL COLLECTIVE WISDOM. 

" Naming Pauper Children. — The Guardians of one of our metropolitan Parishes 
the other day, having to settle the transference of some pauper children from one 
industrial school to another, met with two {fills chargeable to the p*rish, named 
' Mary Unknown ' and ' Polly Pancras,' and it was proposed to change these 
names to the same as those borne by this Churchwardens or some of the Guardians, 
but as this was opposed on the grouud that some people might look upon tho matter 
in an uncharitable light, it was therefore resolved, after a long discussion, that 
the names of the girls should be changed to ' Mary Smith ' and ' Polly Johes.' " — 
Pall-MaU Gazette. 

Scene — The Board-Room of a Metropolitan Union. Board of Guardians 
and Chairman. 

Chairman. Well, gentlemen, now we 've a' most got through our 
bisniss. There 's only them two gals. 

1st Guardian. What two gals ? 

Chairman. What 's to be removed from the hunder to the hupper 
industrial school. Their names is— let me see (puts on his spectacles) 
Mart Unknown and Polly Pancras. 

2nd Guardian. Rummish names. 

3rd Guardian. Why, yes, they do sound rayther queer. Who gave 
'em their names ? 

2nd Guardian. Their godfathers and godmothers in their baptism — 
which 

Chairman. Was the Beadle and the Matron, I fancy. Unknown 
and Pancras ! Them was the Beadle's suggestions, I '11 be bound. 
Shows deficiency in the inventive faculty, great want of imagination on 
the part of the Beadle. 

4th Guardian. The poor gals will be chaffed about their names to 
death as long as they live. (Laughter.) 

3rd Guardian. Mr. Chairman, I rise to order. It's irregular for any 
honourable member of this here board to talk Irish. (Order, order, 
and cheers.) 

4th Guardian. You be blowed ! 

Chairman. Bisniss, gentlemen, bisniss. Fugit tempus. Them names 
had better be altered. 

l.s^ Guardian. They can't. 

Chairman. Not the Christian names ; no, but the sur. Wasn't the 
feller as was named James Bug allowed to call his self Norfolk 
Howard ? 

2nd Guardian. Yes, to be sure ; and bugs have been called Howards 
ever since. 

3rd Guardian. Well then, what shall we name 'em ? 

4th Guardian. Call 'em Pugh and Hassock, arter the Church- 
wardens. 

Chairman. Humph ! Pugh and Hassock isn't here. P'raps they 
mightn't like it. 

3rd Guardian. Suppose we names one on 'em arter Mr. Chairman ? 

Chairman. Werry much obliged to the honourable member for his 
proposal, but it 's a 'compliment I'd rayther decline. Would he like 
e'er a one of 'em to be named arter his sell' ? 

1st Guardian. There's no knowin what LU-natur'd persons might say. 

2nd Guardian. Certainly, certainly ; no doubt. If the gals was 
named arter any of the Guardians, 'twould werry likely give rise to 
invidjus remarks. 

1st Guardian. Couldn't we call 'em arter the day they was born upon, 
like what 's-his-name — Robison Crucer — did Man Friday ? 

Chairman. We don't know the day of their births, and there 's no 
time to inquire. Besides, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday, or Tuesday, 
or Wednesday, would be as bad as either Unknown or Pancras. And 
hang it, we might as well be original. 

1st Guardian. What do you propose yourself, then ? 

Chairman. Well, that 's a question as requires some thought. Yer 
see, it wouldn't do to give 'em too pompous igh soundin names, uu- 
sooted to their station in life. Then, if we gives 'em names of the 
ornary kind, it might, as the honourable member justly said, cause 
invidjus obserwations, unless we gave 'em the werry commonest of all. 
But if we does that, then we can't give no handle and no offence to 
nobody. So upon the whole, and lookin at it altogether, my opinion 
is, that the best tiling as we can do is for to call 'em Mary Smith and 
Polly Jones. There is too many Smiths and Joneses in the world 
for it to signify who may be named Smith or Jones. Them that's for 
Maiiy Smith and Polly Jones, old up yer amis. (All hands held up.) 

Chairman. Carried unanimous. So much for that. And now, gen- 
tlemen, our evenin's bisniss bein concluded, I will, with your kind 
permission, wacate the chair. [Scene closes. 



Where Carpenters ought to Live.— Filey and Chiselhurst. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 




THE SNOW-STORM, JAN. 2, 1867. 

Cabby (petulantly — the Cabbies even lost their tempers). " It's no use your a-calling o' me, Sir! Got such a Job with these 'ere 

Two as 'll last me a Fortnight ! ! " 



A LITTLE WORD FOR LITTLE BIRDS. 

Good Mr. Punch, 

You are a sportsman, I believe, and not a battue butcher. So 
I trust you have no sympathy with cruel brutes of gamekeepers, who 
go about with guns to murder pretty birds in this way : — 

"Rare Birds Shot. — Mr. John Roddam, gamekeeper to R. D. Shafto, Esq., 
Whitworth Hall, has shot seven specimens of toe Bohemian wax-wing. Three were 
shot on the 12tb, one on the 13th, and three on the 21th. Amongst them five were 
males and two females. They are interesting and rare in this country. They 
were upon the hawthorn when shot." 

Now, can anyone call this a case of justifiable avicide ? What harm 
in the world had these pretty little wax-wings done that they should be 
thus butchered? Had they been hawks or kites, a gamekeeper 
perhaps would have been right in killing them. But wax-wings are 
quite harmless, unoffending little birds, and ought to be petted rather 
than be potted. " Rare and interesting" as they are in our benighted 
country, we ought to do our best to encourage them to live with us. 
How pretty they would look among our tomtits and our finches, and 
our common little hedge-warblers ! " Welcome, little strangers ! " 
should be our salutation to them, instead of bang, bang, bang, from 
the guns of stupid gamekeepers. "Specimens" indeed! As if a 
stuffed bird could be made to look as pretty as a living one. And 
where can be the use of shooting " seven specimens ? " one male and 
one female would surely have sufficed for the biggest of museums. 

Well, I am very glad that I am neither rare nor interesting, and not 
at all in any way worth stuffing as a specimen, being happily for me, 

Yours simply, 

A Cock Sparrow. 



A PREVENTIVE OF BRASS KNUCKLES. 

Dr. Punch has frequently had occasion of late to express his ap- 
proval of the active treatment resorted to in some of our penal insti- 
tutions for the purpose of checking the propensity to commit robbery 
with violence. That treatment has consisted in the stimulating local 

| application of the preparatiou of hemp commonly known as whipcord, 

j administered in the form of a cat-o'-ninetails to the patient's back. 

I This acts as a counter-irritant, producing considerable excoriation, 
attended by severe smarting, which, however, is essential to a suc- 

I cessful result. 

i At the Liverpool Police Court the other day, Henry Hansome. 
Second Mate of the American ship, Resolute, was charged with having 
committed a brutal assault upon one of the crew of that vessel, hi- 
llicting injuries which, in the belief of the Magistrate, could only have 

| been caused by brass knuckles, otherwise called " knuckle dusters." 
The use of this weapon arises from the same propensity as that which 

I actuates garotters, and would, doubtless, yield to the same practice as 

! that which has been effectually resorted to in their complaint. It is t o 
be hoped that, as soon as possible in the ensuing Session, a parlia- 
mentary prescription will be drawn up and appointed for the proper 

| application of the remedy employed on the garotter to the other 
ruffian's dorsal region. 



Art News. 



It is announced that a well-known Danish sculptor, at present in 
Rome, is " engaged in executing in marble three groups, all of which 
are destined for England." Pleasant intelligence for English sculptors. 
How they must all wish this lucky foreigner at— Jericho ! 



What Baronet is Missing Just Now. 

People may say that they don't care. But they ought to care. 
One member of the Baronetage is out of the way, and we fear is bein^ 
ill-treated. For we read in the Times that a respectable firm of auc- 
tioneers announce the sale of a quantity of wine, " the property of a 
Baronet, now lying in his Cellar." 



GETTING IT AT BOTH ENDS. 

Tremendous Rating— what the Vestries raise from the rate-payers, 
and bring down on themselves. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. U, Holtord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County ol Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ot Messrs. Bradbuiy, Evans, A Co., Lombard 
Street, la the Precinct of Wuiufiiare, j a the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85 Fleet Street, hi the Parish of 8t Bride, City of London.— SitvM)»7, January 19, 1867. 




A QUIET SMOKE. 

Charlotte (in gasps). "Oh, Laura !— do you Think— it was Tobacco — We tock out of Willy's Box?— I believe I'm — Dying!!", 



ANTI-BRIGHT ANECDOTES. 

The principal business of the smaller Conservatives, while kept in 
the dark by the large ones, is to invent stories against Mr. John 
Bright. But most of them bring the concoctors to grief, as was 
notably the case with Mr. Garth, on whom Mr. Bright laid the hands 
of vengeance somewhat heavily. Moved with compassion for the 
troubles of his fellow-creatures, Mr. Punch subjoins a series of anti- 
Bright anecdotes, which Conservative writers may use with perfect 
safety, and which have quite as much to do with the question of Reform 
as any other allegations against Mr. Bright's personal character. 
They are labelled in the pleasing American fashion. 

His Youth. 
When young, John Bright had many fastidious tastes. It was with 
great difficulty that he could ever be brought to eat an Orange. This 

11 VI rtn-rrl l L' in nn A 1 1 *-i U*n »1 1 « K Knniilii.. i ... — \ . . . I ' C. . 1 l' ' L - L-. . X 



un-boylike and un-English hostility to a beautiful fruit may be thought 
1 his hatred for the Orangemen of Ireland, and ner 



to have betokened 
landlords. 



His Indolence. 



John Bright was always an exceedingly idle young man, and his 
friends could seldom persuade him to take the needful amount of exer- 
cise. Pressed hard to take a walk by a Quaker relative, who said, " It 
has come to me, John, that thou art unwise not to pay more regard to 
health. Dost not know that exercise is demanded "by the constitu- 
tion?" Bright replied, scornfully, "Bother the Constitution!" Fully, 
deeply, wickedly has he acted up to the spirit of that deadly double- 
entendre. 

His Low Tastes. 

Although Mr. Bright's family was most respectable, and he might, 
had he pleased, have been a constant visitor at the best houses in the 
vicinity, he was remarkable, when a young man, for eschewing such inter- 
course. We have it on the best authority that one evening when he had 
been invited to a tea-party, after which there was to be an interesting 
discussion on Pre-adamite fossils, he absented himself, and was detected 
leaning over a wall and amusing himself by observing some dirty lads 



playing at skittles. And this was " the father to the man " who pre- 
sumes to talk of the shortcomings of the aristocracy! 

His Brutality. 

Small things show us a man's character better than large ones, 
because the former accidentally reveal the truth, while the latter are 
the result of premeditation. Bright's brutality was manifested at a 
very early period of his evil life. A Friend of his was endeavouring to 
induce him to play at leap-frog, a diversion which though not enjoined 
by the Quaker doctrine is not inhibited to Friends of any age or 
obesity. After several refusals to "give" his companion " a back," 
and the latter continuing to urge the claims of sport, John Bright 
exclaimed, suiting the action to the word, " I '11 give thee a back-hander," 
and the unfortunate Friend went head-over-heels. 

His Falsehood. 

We have so repeatedly exposed the unblushing falsehoods of Mr. 
John Bright that the task becomes wearisome. But we fear that the 
line will go on to the crack of doom. The habit is ingrained in his 
nature, and was in full efflorescence at an early period. We have obtained 
from an aged servant in the Bright family the following story which 
may be relied on, though we suppress her name, that we may not 
expose her to the vengeance which the un-English agitator is fond of 
taking on old women. His brother Jacob had a favourite knife, which 
on one occasion he missed. The poor boy demanded of his brother 
John whether he saw the cherished article anywhere about. " No," 
was the answer. Yet at that moment it was in Bright's closed hand. 
He did not see it— such was his miserable subterfuge. Is it not like 
him ? 

His Treachery. 

At the age of sixteen, John Bright, though brought up amid a strict 
sect, was not blind to the charms of the other i-ex. He was not an 
unwilling companion of young Quaker ladies in their walks, and 
perhaps was even then cultivating that feminine habit of re-iterated 
impertinence which so signally distinguishes bim. Be this as it may, 
upon one occasion a young male Friend asked him if he knew whether 
a certain young lady, whose name we would certainly introduce if we 



vol. li 1. 



32 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 26, 1867. 



knew it, intended to be one of a walking party that evening. John 
Bright seriously assured the other that she could not come, for that 
he had heard her arrange to attend an aged aunt, to whom she was 
reading Barclay's Apology. Hearing this, the other young man 
stayed away, but what were his feelings next day when he learned that 
the young lady had been of the party, and had been escorted 
chiefly by one John Bright ? Yet we are asked to rely on the word 
of such a man, when he promises not to subvert the Throne and the 
Altar! 

His Ignorance. 

Mr. Beight is exceedingly fond of citing passages from the older 
English writers, and sometimes they sound well by contrast with the 
intolerable and nauseating trash of his own composition. But we do 
not believe that he has really studied those authors. The selections 
are either made for him by his secretary, whom we dare say he ill- 
treats, or by some friend to whom he is probably ungrateful. We have 
reason to know that being asked to name the place where to find the 
line 

" Men are but children of a larger growth," 

he said that it was in a play of Dryden's. Every Eton schoolboy 
knows that it is in no play at all, but in the prologue to a play of 
Deyden's. The character of the mind that assails our noble system 
of classical education may be estimated, and we may truly say with 
Ciceeo, Sic vos Non Nobis mellificatis oves. 



THE ARISTOCRACY OF LABOUR. 

tjRE enough, union in 
general is strength; 
but Trades-Unions in 
particular are weak- 
ness, at least on the 
part of skilled work- 
men who belong to 
them, and submit to 
be dragged down by 
them to the level of 
the unskilled, or idle. 
Natual equality for 
ever ; artificial equa- 
lity never ! The 
former is the conse- 
quence of liberty ; 
the latter is the effect 
of dictation. Didac- 
tic as these maxims 
must be confessed 
to be, they appear 
to express the senti- 
ments of a large 
number of working 
men in the employ- 
ment of the Staveley 
Company who joined, 
on Tuesday evening 
last week, in a great 
Non-TJnionist demonstration in the schools at Barrow Hill. -The 
following remark of their Chairman, Mr. Charles Markham, will 
find an echo in the brain of every intelligent working man who is 
determined to think and act for himself, and not endure coercion by 
a majority of his inferiors in intelligence : — 

" The superior and industrious workmen would rebel against being ruled and 
governed by idle and thoughtless men, who were unable to raise themselves to the 
same level as the superior working man." 

This is the sort of rebellion that any working man, inspired with a 
hatred of arbitrary power, may be advised to engage in. It is a rebel- 
lion that will bring him into no trouble of the nature of imprisonment 
or penal servitude ; but on the contrary, will ensure the most respectful 
attention to his demand for political power. 




King Bladud's Sleepy Pigs. 

The "genteel" people of Bath are what are called "goodies." 
They love all sorts of meetings, and mild demonstrations, and some- 
times they get almost up to excitement point over religious contro- 
versies. But they seem a flabby lot. When we were all welcoming 
the Princess Alexandra, Bath got up a testimonial to H.R.H.— that 
is, it ordered one. Where is the article ? We read that Bath raised 
some subscriptions the other day, for an excellent purpose, by the 
attraction of a big doll, dressed as a collier. Perhaps another doll, 
elegantly attired as the Princess op Wales, would attract the Bath 
flabbies and tabbies, and get the testimonial out of pawn. They are 
welcome to the hint. 



PICTURES FOR PRISON WALLS. 

The State is a small employer of Art. It has invoked painting and 
sculpture to decorate the Houses of Parliament. That is nearly all 
it has done for the encouragement of plastic or pictorial genius. A 
short-sighted utilitarianism incapacitates it from seeing the use of 
paintings and statues. It cannot understand the good of High Art, 
to which branch of Art its views are limited. But there is also such a 
thing as Low Art whereunto the eyes of Statesmen may be directed. 
Low Art might be employed with great and obvious advantages in the 
decoration of certain public buildings. 

The prisoners sentenced at Leeds, before Christmas, by Mr. Justice 
Lush to be flogged, in addition to penal servitude, for robbery accom- 
panied with violence, were punctually flogged on Wednesday last week 
at Arrnley Gaol. The Leeds Mercury contains an account of their 
punishment, which would be highly instructive if the Leeds Mercury 
were a less respectable paper than it is, and circulated amongst the 
criminal classes. Its description of the special cat, issued for the 
express purpose of flogging garotters, from the Home Office, and its 
detailed account of the strapping up, the scourging, the yelling and 
howling of the convicts, and the appearances exhibited by their backs, 
were extremely vivid, and calculated to make a wholesome impression 
on any ruffian who could read them. 

But mere description, however forcible, is soon forgotten by low 
minds. Pictures have been called the books of idiots ; they are also 
the best books for blackguards. Some four or five refractory prisoners 
were compelled to witness the chastisement of their fellow-criminals. 
Their ; " anxious looks betokened the effect the proceedings had upon 
them." The actual spectacle of such " proceedings " is of course the 
best thing for the admonition of ruffians. A flogged garotter's howling 
is inimitable ; but the pencil of a truthful artist would suffice to convey 
a very effective idea of his sensations. Let Government, therefore, 
engage the cleverest Royal Academicians, and other artists whose 
services they can command, to adorn the New Palace of Justice, 1 ? and 
the Assize Courts generally, with frescoes representing scenes of 
punishment, and especially garotters undergoing the discipline of the 
cat-o'-nine-tails. Let them also have the walls of prisons similarly 
ornamented, and cause the cells of the prisoners to be embellished with 
the like designs, the unpopular penalty thus depicted being that to 
which their inmates shall be rendered liable for the offence of defacing 
them. 



THE PERILS OF THE PARKS. 

We read in that delightfully amusing old Gentleman's Magazine how 
a hundred years ago, it was a common thing for persons to be stopped 
and purses to be filched, a little after nightfall, upon Hounslow Heath. 
How far we have advanced in safety since those good old times, may 
be seen from this account of what took place the other morning in St. 
James's Park : — 

" Gangs of roughs and thieves assembled to the number of several hundreds at 
each end of the bridge, and at a given signal, when the bridge was crowded with 
respectably-dressed persons, they rushed on pell-mell, hustling and bonneting all 
who came in their way, watches, purses, and pins changing owners with extra- 
ordinary rapidity. This disgraceful scene was repeated about every half-hour until 
it grew dark. The park-keepers did aU they could to repress the disorderly scene, 
but they were comparatively powerless. A dozen police-constables would have been 
effective for the purpose, but they were not there, and so the roughs had possession 
of the park until all respectable people had been chased away, there was nojmore 
plunder to be obtained, or people to be hunted down."J 

Bold Turpin and his crew but seldom showed their blackened faces 
in the daylight, but our modern highway robbers are far bolder than 
they. In Hyde Park last summer there were several such scenes as 
this recorded in St. James's, and probably this winter there will be 
several more. How many more acts of brutal violence must take place 
before an Act of Parliament be passed to hand our parks to the care of 
the police ? It is too bad that one cannot take a walk in St. James's 
without being maltreated by the roughdom of St. Giles's. 



N. and Q. 

Don't you think had Cowley lived in this age of " Limited liability " 
his lines — 

*' If then, Young Year ! thou need'st must come, 
Choose thy attendants well. 
We fear not thee — but 'tis thy Company — " 

would have had the last word in the plural ?— A Victim. 



TO A CORRESPONDENT. 

Professoe Blackie is favourably known in the literary world as 
the author of most of the best Nigger melodies. 



A Pusey-listic Encounter. — Between the Dr. and S. G. 0. 



January 26, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



33 



THE VIGILANCE COMMITTEE- 

" But, in truth, the active duties of a Director extend much beyond the points 
we have named. There are other duties, vague rather than avowed— understood, 
though not stipulated — which he is bound to exercise. His vigilance should extend 
beyond the board room, and should involve a surveillance more or less minute over 
even the private concerns of those whom he permits to control the property en- 
trusted to his own gnardiansbirj. In one word, he ought to exercise as watchful a 
care as he is accustomed to do in the ease of his own servants and assistants."— 
Daily Telegraph. 

A Meeting of the Directors of the Objective and Subjective Individual 
and Consolidated Bank and Life Assurance Association {Limited). 
Refreshments. 

Chairman. Help yourselves, Gentlemen, and do so with a good con- 
science, for you will perceive that instead of the magnificent Madeira 
which used to be supplied to us, and which, in the interest of the 
Bank, I have purchased from it, at the cost price, you have simply a 
cheap Marsala before you. {Applause.) I will now ask gentlemen who 
may nave reports to make, to read them, or state the contents. John, I 
get out of the room, and shut the door. [Exit Menial. ' 

Mr. Brown. I believe that at our last meeting it was agreed that we, 
the Directors, should endeavour to act up to the suggestion of one of 
the daily papers, and initiate a surveillance over the private concerns 
of those who act under us. We divided the duties, and it fell to my \ 
share to inquire into the habits of Mr. Bumptious, our General 
Manager. (Applause.) 

Chairman. 1 need hardly say that everything that passes is strictly 
confidential. At least, I need not say this to unmarried members, but 
those who are fortunate enough to be married will remember that these 
inquiries are business secrets, and not to be used for social purposes. 
(Hear, hear, and a few guilty looks!) 

Mr. Brown. I dined with Mr. Bumptious at his.house in Belgravia. 
His dinner was excellent, but the wine was bad. I expected that it 
would be so, as he began to praise it so early as the Chablis, which was 
beastly. I think this badness a good sign. He does not spend much 
with his wine-merchant. The dress of Mrs. Bumptious looked very 
splendid velvet, but I am assured by a competent authority that it was 
only velveteen. This also is a good sign. There were three men waiting, 
but two were palpable green-grocers — he did not know their names. 
I incidentally learned that the brougham is jobbed. I see no reason for 
distrusting Mr. Bumptious, who evidently knows how to keep up 
appearances, cheaply. 

Mr. Smith. He has a boy at Eton, though. 

Mr. Brown. He was there for half a year, that he might say he had 
been at Eton. He goes to a cheap school now. {Applause.) 

Mr. Smith. I wish that I could give as good an account of our 
Secretary, Mr. Flapper. I went down and stayed a night at his place 
in Surrey. He lives luxuriously, and I privately inspected the stables 
early in the morning— he has two horses, and two ponies for his 
children. He has just bought a picture, for which he paid, he said, 
three hundred guineas. I do not understand pictures, but there seemed 
very little for the money. 

Mr. Jones. Let us be charitable, and hope he lied. 

Mr. Smith. I am very willing to believe it, for he is a good servant, 
but Mrs. Elapper wore real point-lace— having been in the trade, I 
cannot be deceived in that. 

Mr. Robinson. Was not her father a pawnbroker ? She may have 
had it through him. I am for vigilance, but consideration. . 

The Chairman. Most certainly. I submit that it be somebody's 
business to ascertain how Mrs. Elapper got that lace. We will await 
the information before acting. (Hear, hear.) 

Mr. Robinson. I had to ascertain particulars as to one of our head 
clerks, Mr. Elisha Baldead. I hardly know what judgment to arrive 
at. His establishment appears to be carried on with economy, indeed 
Mrs. B. called him, more than half in earnest, an old screw. They are 
without children. He has a large salary ; yet he never seems to have 
any ready money, and I have reason to know that he has been sum- 
moned for water-rates. 

fej The Chairman. This may mean one of several things. Old debts- 
gambling— poor relations— secret speculations — enormous gifts to 
Religious and Charitable Societies 

Mr. Robinson. He had to pay for kicking a collector sent by the 
Society for Propagating Prayer-books among the Patagonians. 

The Chairman. That suspicion, then, we eliminate. He does not 
look a lady's man. (Laughter.) 

Mr. Smith. An old bear. 

The Chairman. Nevertheless— however, we must have him watched. 

Mr. Sniggles. I had to look up three or four of the vounger clerks, 
and it was rather perilous work, and took me into odd places, but I 
have nothing very bad to report. Mr. James Jobson goes a good 
deal to the Oxford, but he plays fiddles, and 1 believe goes only for the 
music. Mr. Robert Tanner is very domesticated : he lives in a 
street out of the Strand, and is generally in bed by ten— when he gives 
a supper to a few of his friends, 1 believe artists, chiefly, the fare is 
tripe and trotters— he is all right. Mr. Charles Cumblepottle I am 



not so sure about ; he takes Turkish Baths, and rides a horse, and 
wears splendid studs, which it is charitable, but may be unsafe, to 
believe Mosaic. 

Mr. Jones. I heard, I forget how, that he was going to marry the 
daughter ot a beefsteak house, and he may wish to impress her with an 
idea that he is an aristocrat. 

Mr Sniggles. Ah! That explains something else— let Cumble- 
pottle's case stand over. I will report again. The other man on my 
list is Mr. Frederick Tootles. He is all right. He has married a 
very little wife, and lives in a very little house at Camberwell, and thev 
keep little white mice, in dozens. I would raise his salary, to 
encourage the others. 

The Chairman. Move it at the next meeting. ' Any more reports ? 

Mr. Buncle. I promised to find out anything there might be against 
Burleygrunt, the porter. 1 think he is all right. They wanted him 
to sign a petition for Manhood Suffrage, and he beat the man who 
brought it. He also beat a man who wrote No Popery on our shutters. 
His wife beats him. He breeds guinea-pigs. He gives money to 
Italian organs, at night. He always has a cold sausage in his pocket. 
On the whole I think he is a very good man, and he goes to sleep at 
such short notice, and snores so awfully, that he must have a clear 
conscience. (Applause?) 

The Chairman. Well, gentlemen, I think that we have done our duty 
thus far, and the result has been very satisfactory. We have good 
reason to think well of several persons in our employ. Of course, we 
shall not relax our vigilance, and we will meet again soon, meantime 
gentlemen will arrange to look up other servants. We will take 
another glass of Marsala, and adjourn. 



THE WEATHER. 



A CANDID GIRL. 



Musae Canorae. 

The ancient rhymer wooed each Muse 
To earth, in well remembered line : 

The modern rascal gets his dues 
From cat that Mews " Descend, ye Nine !" 



The slippery pavements were very trying to all classes. Acrobats 
tumbled for nothing, bankers lost their balance, farmers grazed their 
shins, soldiers embraced the flags, tailors measured their length, and 
travellers tripped in all directions. 

The mails were snowed up, but the females ventured out enveloped 
in frieze wraps. 

Young men found their whiskers turn white in the course of a single 
night. 

A Caution to the Benevolent. Four great hulking fellows in a well- 
to-do street, sing " We 've got no work to do." One of them adds (in 
an undertone), "And we don't want any." 

People grumbled who went to evening parties, for they found nothing 
but a freezing Reception. 

How indefatigable our Vestrymen were in clearing away the snow ! 
They were as industrious, as busy as bees — may we not say, as 
Bumble bees P 

The cold was so intense that for a time Mrs. Loudley Talkington 
was unable to speak, but she soon began to chatter— with her teeth. 

How human nature varies ! Some people looked sympathetic when 
their fellow-creatures tumbled, others simperthetic. 

A new branch of literature has lately been largely cultivated- 
reading the thermometer. 

It is a great mistake to suppose that the members of the Curling 
Club are hairdressers. 

A nice place for a walk this Polar weather would be — Cold Bath 
Fields. 



There is nothing like frankness. We would rather send for the 
young lady who makes this open announcement in a West of England 
paper than for any pretentious person who should puff herself. 

DRAWING AND PAINTING. 

A YOUNG LADY teaches the above in Four Lessons, without any 
previous knowledge of either. — Apply, Ac. 

A good girl. If she has no knowledge of what she is going to 
teach, she is no worse off than many who pretend to a great deal, and 
we like her candour and truthfulness. Is she disengaged?— we mean, 
matrimonially. If so, she may send up her photograph. We have 
several young men on hand. 



WELL PLAYED, CONYXGHAM! 

The Marquis of Conyngham, who is well known in the cricket 
field, has just made a splendid " hit." lie has struck— off the rent of 
his tenants — one half their losses by the Cattle Plague. 



34 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 26, 1867. 




TANTALUS. 

Poor Edwin has to Stand passively by, and See his Angelina's Foot in Unwashed and Mercenary Hands. 



MRS. BRITANNIA AND MADAME FRANCE LAY THEIR 
HEADS TOGETHER. 

Quora stout old Britannia to brisk Madame France, 
Who wooed her o'er sea with her best bienseance, 
" I 'd step over with pleasure your great Show to view, 
But there's a vile barrier 'twixt me, Ma'am, and you ; 
'Tis what / call the Custom-house, you, La Douane, 
That to keep us from visiting does what it can. 

" Now, I 've no taste for smuggling • in fact, I contend, 
Smuggled goods always cost twice their worth in the end : 
Then, what, is there to smuggle, I 'd much like to know, 
Now there 's free-trade between us, thank Cobden & Co ? 
E'en your Paris to show me a thing I defy, 
But at shillings for francs I in London could buy. 

" But if I meant smuggling, my dear, entre nous, 

'Taint portmanteau or bag I would choose for't — would you? 

If one does carry things one don't want to decbre, 

As a sensible woman one don't put 'em there. 

There are means, ain't there, dear, to stow goods on the sly, 

"Where e'en Custom-house searchers don't venture to pry ? 

" But, really, to have one 's trunks tumbled about, 

One 's dresses all rumpled and turned inside out, 

One's bonnets passed under au officer's stares, 

One 's things from the wash pawed and touzled by bears — 

It 's really more than a woman can stand, 

Above all, not at Reason's but Custom's command." 

Quoth brisk Madame France with a shrug and a sigh, 
" Cent vrai, cliere Madame, as you say, so say 1 ; 
Cette sacrie Douane ! milte excuses , if I swear, 
It is so bad, almost, as I'affreux mal-de-nur. 
If your mysteres de toilette to show you decline, 
Figurez-votis, Madame, what / feel for mine ! 



" Voyons done— Jest V affaire de res deux beaux Seigneurs, 

Voir' Chancelier du Tresor, et mon Empereur. 

To les droits du beau . sexe, what are droits de Douane ? 

So let each of us tackle her own gentleman." 

" Agreed ! " quoth Britannia — " a Customs' Reform 

From my Dizzy I '11 coax, or, if that won't do, storm ! " 



UNWAVERING, OR, 'TIS SIXTY YEARS SINCE. 

The above joke is Sir Walter Scott's, by the way, and serves Mr. 
Punch very well for a heading to half-a-dozen lines which, in departure 
from his general custom, he proposes to insert in reference to a contem- 
porary. The Examiner newspaper is completing its sixtieth year, and is 
gracefully mindful of the fact. Mr. Punch wishes the Examiner many 
happy returns of its birthday. That journal has stood manfully by the 
famous motto from Defoe, which it has worn on its shield for so many 
years. Fearless, witty, and gentlemanly, not given to gushing, but 
not ashamed of honest sympathy, scholarly but not pedantic, and 
always in tone with the minds of thoughtful and refined readers, the 
Examiner is distinguished even among the high class journalism of 
London. Mr. Punch, who is also remarkable tor all the above good 
qualities, and many others, takes off his hat, and gives a cheer for the 
birthday of the sparkling sexagenarian. 



A FIRST-RATE GAME TO BE PLAYED BY ALL ENGLAND. 

In the first place you must take a new envelope, neither too large 
nor too small. Then think of your greatest " favourite." Having, of 
course, selected Mr. Punch, write his name and address in a legible 
hand on tlie envelope. You must now take six postage stamps, and 
having affixed one to the envelope, place the remaining five within the 
directed cover. You must then write " For the Distressed" in one 
corner of the envelope, and put it carefully in the Post-office letter-box. 

Mr. Punch will receive the communication in due course, and after- 
wards forward it to the Bishop of London. 

N.B. Everybody can play at this game, and the more the merrier. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 26, 1867. 




THE WRONG OF SEARCH, OR THE LUGGAGE QUESTION. 

Emperor. " MADAME WILL COME, I TRUST ? " 

Britannia. "WELL, I SHOULD BE DELIGHTED, I'M SURE; BUT I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE MY. LUGGAGE 
PULLED ABOUT." 

Emperor. " AH ! I WILL DO MY BEST TO PREVENT IT, IF THAT GENTLEMAN IS AGREEABLE." 



January 26, 1867.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



37 




CONJUGIUM VOCAT. 

tjmbug should have its limits. 
Punch does not think that 
the ceremony of marriage 
is one which should be 
parodied in the persons 
of a couple of hideous and 
semi-idiotic dwarfs. Two 
objects, which it pleased 
the exhibitors to call Az- 
tecs, were shown in 
London some time ago, 
and when puffing had done 
its worst they were taken 
away. A Liverpool con- 
temporary says that they 
were shown as a brother 
and sister. We forget how 
this was. Recently the 
creatures have been 
brought back, and have 
been put through whatiis 
called a marriage— a farce 
suggested, we suppose, by 
some previous dwarf 
unions. The proceedings 
were marked by a banquet, 
and have been largely ad- 
vertised. Of course this 
means that the ugly little animals are to be exhibited as man and 
wife. We wonder whether English women will countenance a dis- 
gusting desecration of the idea of marriage. 



HONOUR TO VICTOR HUGO ! 

Honour to Victor Hugo ! And success to his good works ! We 
do not mean his Notre Dame, his Miserables, or his Travailleurs de la 
Mer. These all are works quite good enough for any author to be 
proud of, but Victor Hugo may be proud of Detter works than these. 
For instance, listen here : — 

" M. Victor Hnoo having ascertained, satisfactorily to himself at least, that good 
meat and wino, so far from being poison, are necessary to the proper nurture of 
young people, feeds about forty children once or twice a week, with a sufficient 
meat dinner and a glass of sound burgundy for each. So satisfactory has been this 
process that the children have vastly improved in strength, intelligence, industry, 
and a wish to learn. "^ 

Hunger very often paralyses intellect. It is difficult to study on an 
empty stomach. If you want a child to learn well you must take care 
to nave him fed well. Proper food is needful to keep the brain in 
health, and there is little use in schooling unless the brain be healthy. 
Victor Hugo, who has used his brain, well knows the need there is 
to nourish it. So he wisely leads poor children to the school-room 
through the salle-a-manger, and before their minds are fed, he takes 
care to feed their bodies. Honour to Victor Hugo ! and may his 
wise example be followed here in England ! Said he, the other day, 
while giving out his yearly Christmas gifts of clothes to his poor 
little ones : — 

' ' There are two ways of building churches ; they may be built of stone, they may 
be built of flesh and blood. The poor whom you have succoured are a church 
which you have built, whence prayer and gratitude ascend to God." 

Hath not old Jeremy Taylor said something like to this ? If so, 
honour to Victor Hugo for thus knowing English literature. Or 
perhaps the thought sprang in his mind as he looked at his poor children, 
and may be, he ail-unconsciously echoed the old writer. Any way, let 
there be honour to the good, kind Victor Hugo. There is a rage just 
now for church-building in rich and pious Eagland. Let us hope that 
flesh-and-blood churches will be built as well as stone and brick and 
mortar ones. 

When he distributed the clothing, Victor Hugo said this also -.— 

" God intrusts us with the children of all who suffer. » * * To relieve children, 
to train them to be good meu, is our duty; this it is that justifies the publicity 
given to this act." 

The more good men there are, the better ; and the more that kind, 
judicious charity is shown to the children of the poor, the greater 
chance there is that something good will come of it. This it is that 
justifies our giving Victor Hugo the world-wide publicity of a para- 
graph in Punch. 

Ecclesiastical Intelligence.— In the newspapers appears the 
Marriage of the Aztecs. It is to be presumed that these marvellous 
specimens of humanity will henceforth be ecclesi- Aztecs. 



PETER, MARTIN, AND JACK. 

Peter, Martin, and Jack are at it again. We would much rather 
record the Loves of the Triangles than Triangular Duels, but we have 
no choice. Here is Dr. Manning delivering a " pleasant " address, 
in which he bears a graceful testimony to the increasingTtolerance 
shown by Protestants to Catholics, and is reasonably thankful 'for the 
willingness of the former to concede spiritual privileges to Catholic 
criminals, interesting creatures who appear to engross an extraordinary 
share of the attention, not to say affection, of the Romish clergy. It is 
an age of compliment, and highly polite recognition has been made of 
Dr. Manning's affability, and very right too. But "comes there no 
sequel at the heels of this 'Manning's' admiration?" We are 
indebted to our friend the Morning Star for a little reflected light. 

" Catholic doctrine teaches us that a civil ruler in no respect transgresses his 
province by punishing offences against the Citholic religion as such. It is impossible 
by direct argument to mike Protestants understand the reasonableness of this 
principle, because they do not, of course, recognise the terrible evils which ensue 
from a nation's rejeotion of Catholicism." 

This appears in the Westminster Gazette, the respectable and 
recognised organ of Catholicism. Dr. Manning was said to have 
written the above lines. He disclaims the authorship, but carefully 
abstains from disavowing the sentiments. So they may be regarded as 
Dr. Manning's. Wherefore, brethren, you may note that all the 
toleration is to be on one side. We are complimented by Dr. 
Manning for not forcing our religion on him, but he does not 
affect to deny that circumstances, only, prevent his forcing his 
religion on us. If he could manage as they manage in} Spain, it 
would not be exactly good times for Protestants. Suppose he could 
convert the Dure op Cambridge and some other high officers to 
Catholicism, and get hold of the Life Guards and other military 
missionaries, sweep Parliament into prison or exile, and hang the Editor 
of Punch and all his brothers in ink, ,the above-mentioned " terrible 
evils" would be met in a resolute fashion. And Protestants are courteously 
invited to recognise the fitness of such a process ! Our friend 
Jack is a little more considerate than our friend Peter. The said 
Jack has learned from his idol, Calvin, that nobody but Jack and his 
allies have any chance of a happy Hereafter. But he does not persecute 
here — except in the matter of Sabbatarianism or so. Peter, on the 
other hand, will not, if he can help it, permit us to be comfortable in 
either world. However, as in England, at all events, we are intolerant 
of one thing, namely intolerance, Peter sees it prudent to be polite, 
and hope for better times. To this we can have no objection — thought 
is free, and so is hope — and therefore we beg leave to acknowledge, in 
the blandest manner, the compliments of Dr. Manning, and to assure 
him that we will do our best to continue to deserve them, and to 
prevent any state of things in which he will be able to address us in a 
less agreeable way. 

THE HORSE AND THE CARTE. 

Among a quantity of literary and scientific news, the Athenaum 
naively tells us that — 

" The Parisians have taken so kindly to horseflesh that, it is stated, no less than 
43,000 lb. of this substance is sold weekly by the Paris butchers." 

Is " this substance," we wonder, sold as horseflesh by the butchers, 
or do they dispose of it by the pseudonym of beef ? Under the latter 
supposition, we can easily conceive that a great quantity is weekly 
distributed in Paris. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes, and people with 
good appetites may doubtless be made happy with a juicy slice of 
horseflesh, if it be only served up with the name of a beefsteak. With 
French cookery it is impossible to distinguish between meats of one 
sort and another, and a man might very easily swallow horseflesh 
without knowing it, and possibly, if hungry, he might like it very 
much. Sam Welter mentions a veal-pieman who found cats were very 
useful in the making of veal pies, and doubtless many?a horse in Paris 
has been made into oeefsteaks. 



THE JAMAICA COMMITTEE. 

[Advertisement.] 
The Jamaica Committee respectfully announces that in order to 
carry out, if possible, the views of its members, and to jiivest Great 
Britain of the incumbrances called Colonies, no better' : 'plan can be 
suggested than the prosecution of such of her Majesty's officers as 
may be selected for colonial Governments, and who may have occasion 
to save the colonies in their charge. When such treatment shall have 
rendered it impossible to obtain high-class officials for the Depen- 
dencies, the latter will be disgusted into severing a tie which, for 
patriotic reasons only, the Committee desires should be broken. As 
such prosecutions are expensive, subscriptions are solicited. 



Vestments. — Proposed Site for a new Ritualistic Church — Petticoat 
Lane. 



38 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[January 26, 1867. 




"MAY THE DIFFERENCE OF OPINION," &c. 

Skater (excited). " Here 's Jolly Weather ! Come and have a Turn on 
the Ice, old Fellow ! " 

Hunting Man (disgusted). " More likely to Turn into Bed till this 
Beastly Frost 's over ! " 



THE MEDICAL WARBLER. 

Ill is the wind good that no one doth blow, 

Taking mankind altogether. 
Hail to that wind whicli blows hard frost and snow, 

Medico-surgical weather ! 
Prospects of many a bill and a fee, 

Suscitate pleasing reflections ; 
Ills blown to others are good blown to me, 

Namely, thoracic affections ; 

Air-tubes, disorders of, also ; catarrh, 

Cough, influenza, bronchitis. 
Peripneumonia's gainful : so are 

Phthisis, dyspnma, pleuritis. 
Numerous patients, moreover, accrue, 

Just now, from those inflammations, 
Which, a peculiar diathesis through, 

Seize on the articulations, 

Nerves, muscles, tendons ; rheumatic attacks, 

Cases, no end, of lumbago, 
And of the hip that sciatica racks : 

Down in my visit-book they go. 
Oft with a good dislocation 1 meet, 

Oft with good fractures, from tumbles 
Caused by the slides on the slippery street : 

Thanks to the boys and the Bumbles. 

Thence too, do cuts and contusions occur. 

'Gainst all those frequent disasters, 
Soon as comes frost, with my splints I'm astir, 

Bandages, pads, lint, and plasters. 
Gay as a lark in the season of spring, 

Soaring aloft in full feather ; 
Whilst for a call on the look-out, I sing — 

Jolly professional weather ! 



Not so Easy to Give Tip. 

The Rev. Mr. Maconnochie, ruling Ritualist and High 
Priest of St. Alban's, Holborn, has announced to his con- 
gregation that in deference to legal opinions he means 
"to give up incensing persons and things." Does he, 
indeed ? We doubt it extremely. The Reverend Gen- 
tleman may give up incensing " things," but we defy him 
not to incense persons, i.e. sensible persons — while he 
maintains any portion of his ritualistic performances. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{We finish our Whist and our Evening at the Feudal Castle.) 

We finish a second game, and Stenton says, " We win a single." 
This I am to score : having some vague idea on the subject, I hide my 
half-crown under the candlestick. _ When our adversaries subsequently 
win a double, and there is some dispute about what we 've done before, 
I forget my half-crown under the candlestick, until asked rather angrily 
by Stenton if I didn't mark the single, when I am remindea by 
Poss Pelmyr that I secreted the half-crown. This I produce trium- 
phantly as a proof of a single. 

Happy Thought. — Buy Hoyle's Laws of Whist. Every one ought to 
know how to mark up a single and a double. 

I get very tired of whist after the second round of the third game. 
Wish I could feel faint, so that Poss Pelmyr might take my 
place ; or have a violent fit of sneezing which would compel me to leave 
the room. 

Happy Thought. — If you give your mind to it, you can sneeze some- 
times. I talk about draughts and sneezing, while Englefield deals. 
Englefield says, a propos of sneezing, that he knew a man who always 
caught a severe cold whenever he ate a walnut. If a fact : curious. 

Old Mrs. Childers has woke up ('she has been dozing by the fire 
with her knitting on the ground) and begins "to take notice," as they 
say of babies. She will talk to me : I can t attend to her and trumps at 
the same time. I think she says that she supposes I've a great deal of 
practice in whist-playing at the Clubs. I say, " Yes ; I mean, beg her 
pardon, no," and Stenton asks me, before taking up the trick, if I 
haven't got a heart, that being the suit I had to follow. I reply, " No," 
and my answer appears to disturb the game. On hearts coming up 
three hands afterwards, I find a two of that suit, which being sticky 
had clung to a Knave of Diamonds. 

Happy Thought. — "Heart clinging to Diamonds;" love yielding to 
the influence of wealth ; or by the way, vice versa, but good idea, 
somehow. Won't say it out. or they '11 discover my revoke. 



Happy Thought. — Keep the two until the end of the game, and throw 
it down among the rubbish at the end. I suppose the last cards which 
players always dash down don't count, and mine will go with them 
unobserved. 

Happy Thought.— One, act of duplicity necessitates another, just as one 
card will not stand upright by itself without another to support it. 
[Put this into Moral Inversions, forming heading of Chap. X., Book 6, 
Vol. XII. of Typical Developments. Must note this down to-night.] 

The game is finishing. Luckily, our opponents have it all their own 
way, and suddenly, much to my surprise ,and relief they show their 
hands and win, we only having made one trick. 

Happy Thought. — Poss Pelmyr takes my place. 

On reckoning up I find that somehow or other I 've lost half-a-crown 
more than I expected. You can lose a good deal at sixpenny points. 
Stenton, who hears this remark, made to Mrs. Childers, observes, 
" Depends how you play." I do not retort, as I am fearful about the 
subject of revoking coming up. Moral Query. Was what I did with 
my Two of Hearts dishonesty or nervousness ? Wouldn't it lead to 
cheating, to false dice, and ultimately to the Old Bailey ? I put these 
questions to myself while eating a delicate piece of bread-and-butter 
handed to me by Mrs. Pelmyr. I smile and thank her, even while 
these thoughts are in my bosom. Ah, Bob Englefield has no such 
stage for his dramas as the human bosom, no curtain that hides half 
as much from the spectators as a single-breasted waistcoat. More tea, 
thank you, yes. 

Happy Thought. — Single-breasted waistcoat! Ah, who is single- 
breasted ? Is that the fashion ! [Note all this down in cipher in my 
book, Moral Inversion Chapter, Typical Developments.] 

I pick up old Mrs. Childers's knitting. I take this opportunity of 
saying, jocosely, that I suppose that's wnat ladies call, ' dropping a 
stitch." No one hears it, except the old lady, who doesn't understand 
it. I shall repeat this another day when they 're not playing cards, 
or talking together, as the ladies are. 

Happy Thought— -To tell it as one of Sheridan's good things. Then 
they '11 laugh. 



January 26, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



39 



Old Mrs. Childers says she thinks the moat's rising, and that the 
baker will have to come over in the pnnt. Childbrs, at the table, says, 
" Nonsense, mother." She appeals to me as to whether it isn't damn, 
and whether the rain won't make the moat rise ? And do I tliink, 
from what I 've seen of it, that the punt is safe for the baker ? Yes, I 
do think so. She observes that I 'm too young to have rheumatism, or 
suffer from cold in the ears. I don't know why I should feel offended 
at the old lady's remark, but I do. I feel inclined to say (rudely, if she 
wasn't so old) that I'm not too young, and have had the rheumatics : 
the latter proudly. She dares say I don't remember the flood there 
was in Leicestershire in 1812 ! No, I don't : " Was it bad ? " I ask- 
not that I care, but I like to be respectful to old ladies. "Ah ! " she 
replies, shaking her head slowly at the fire, as if it was its fault. 
I get nothing more out of her. 

Mrs. Childers is working something for the children. Mrs. Poss 
asks about a peculiar sort of trimming for her dress. Mrs. Childers 
stops to explain, and point her remarks with the scissors. They are 
deep in congenial subjects, and don't mind me. No more does old 
Mrs. Childers, who has dropped her knitting, and is asleep again, 
quite upright, in her chair. 

Happy Thought. — To ask the ladies to play on the piano. 

It will disturb the game, Mrs. Childers thinks. Two of the 
players seem of the same opinion, but they 're losing, I discover. The 
two others are smiling, and would like a tune to enliven them. Chil- 
ders calls out " Mother ! " loudly, which makes the old lady wake 
with a start, and on finding that the moat has not risen and that the 
baker hasn't come in the punt (" which she was dreaming of, curious 
enough," she says), she begs Mat not to call like that again, and I pick 
up her knitting for her. She thanks me, and asks if I.recollect the 
great floods in Leicestershire in 1812 ? I reply, as I did before, That 
I don't. It leads to no information. Wonder how old she is ? 

She rises, and thinks, my dears, that it is time for Bedfordshire, 
which is her little joke ; she gives it us every night at exactly the same 
time, and in exactly the same manner. It always commands a laugh. 
The ladies didn't know it was so late, and put up their work, hoping 
I '11 excuse them not playing this evening. They 're afraid I 've found 
it very dull. 

Happy Thought— To say " More dull when you 're'away." Just stopped 
in time, and turned it off with a laugh and a good-night. I must have 
looked as if I was going to say something, as Mrs. Poss says, 
" What ? " and I reply, " Oh, nothing," vaguely, and she laughs, and 
I laugh, and Mrs. Childers laughs, and says good-night laughing, 
and old Mrs. Childers smiles and repeats her joke about Bedford- 
shire, which she evidently thinks we are all still laughing at, and this 
makes us all laugh again, and Stenton and Englefield, who, having 
lost, are fondly clinging to the whist-table, laugh as well, and saying 
good-night becomes quite a hysterically comic piece of work, so much 
so that I wonder we don't all sit down in our chairs, or on the carpet 
(old Mrs. Childers on the carpet !) and have convulsions : and all this 
because I didn't say what I was going to say. They didn't laugh when 
Irft'rf make a really good joke this evening. 

The ladies have gone. "Now," says Childers, "how about pipes 
and'grogs." Carried nem. con. Englefield proposes we stop whist 
and play Bolerum. What is Bolerum ? Doesn't anyone know ? Childers 
knows, it appears ; he and Englefield will show it us : and to begin 
with, he and ENGLEFiELD ! (this, they say, will simplify matters) will 
keep the bank. 

Ihe game, they explain, is very simple : so it appears, ^ tact its 
simplicity hardly seems to be its great charm to those who do not 
happen to be the bank. The players back their sixpences against the 
bank and the bank wins. Childers calls it " a pretty game." 

One, two, three, four— bank wins," cries Englefield ; " pay up ! " 
And we give him sixpence a-piece. 

One, two, three, four, five — bank again," cries Childers ; "tizzies 
round, by which he means that we are again to subscribe sixpence 
a-piece. Poss says, after five times of this, that he doesn't'see it. Stenton, 
the philosopher, taking a mathematical view of it, attempts to show how 
many chances there are in the players' favour, but ends in demonstrat- 
ing clearly that it is at least a hundred to one on the bank each time. 
11ns argument occupies a quarter of an hour, and three pieces of note 
paper, which Stenton covers with algebraic signs. Childers still 
sticks to it, that "It's a pretty game." We admit that it is very 
pretty, but we get up from the table. What game shall we play P 
We decide (and sixpences are at the bottom of our decision), "None." 
Quite cold," observes Stenton. We gather in front of the fire. 

Toss suddenly wonders that I 've not yet seen the ghost in my room. 
Childers says " Ah," and then we all stare at the fire, wondering at 
nothing: sdence. 

Childers turns quietly to Englefield and inquires " If he knows 
Jimmy iLEWTER?" Englefield does. Childers asks him "If he 
heard about his row with Menzies ? " Englefield, with his pipe in 
his mouth, and embracing his knee, nods assent. " It 's settled," says 
guilders and glares at the fire again. " Foolish of him," observes 

1 SS 'i> J ery ' sa ys Stenton, in his deep bass. It would be rude to 
ask who X lewter is, but this sort of conversation is very irritating. 



Childers anticipates me by saying, "Ilou don't know Jimmy 
Elewter ? " 1 do not, but signify I am ready to hear anything to his 
advantage or disadvantage for the sake of conversation. 

" Ah, then," returns Guilders, " You wouldn't enjoy the story." 

"Must know the man," puts in Stenton, "to enjoy the story." 
Poss assents, and smiles as if at a reminiscence. They all chuckle to 
themselves. I wish I had a story to chuckle over to myself. Wish I 
knew Flewter. 

" Seen my lord, to-day ? " asks Englefield of Childers. Wonder 
who " My lord " is. 

" No, comes to-morrow," is the answer. 

" Paint ? " asks Poss. " Sketch," answers Childers. 

" Odd fish," observes Bob Englefield, putting on his spectacles 
to wind up his watch. "Very," says Poss. We knock out our ashes, 
and finishing our grog, go to bed. 

Happy Thought. — Shall find out who " My lord " is to-morrow. Hang 
Flewter ! Ptain, violent : no ghost. Room seems darker. Window 
troublesome. Think of Fridoline. Wish it was Valentine's day I 'd 
send her a sonnet. Too sleepy to think of it now.* * * * Jimmy 
Flewter.* * * * 



FROM I. W., IN PENTONVILLE, TO SIR M.P., 
IN ALGIERS. 

Sadly sitting over my skilly, 

In a grey and yellow slop, 
With my hair cut, willy-nilly, 

In what 's called " the Newgate crop." 
Hands reduced to picking oakum, 

That with cheques and cash made free, 
By hard laws, which, till I broke 'em, 

I ne'er dreamed were meant for me ! 

Hardly falls such sad reverse on 

One who was what I have been — 
So respectable a person ! 

With hands I still call so clean ! 
But the thought that most has tried me, 

In " the Tench " since I 've been thrown, 
Is that company 's denied me, 

Is that I sit here alone ! 

Where are they whom I might pity, 

Who, in turn, might pity me ; 
As looked up to in the City, 

In financing quite as free : 
Who, while I with thousands peddled, 

Bold, their kites for millions flew ; 
Who, while with one till I meddled, 

On all England's pocket drew ? 

Where are ye, great ex-Directors 

Of those " limited " concerns, 
Which bring profit to projectors, 

If the town its fingers burns ? 
Where are Overend and Gurney ? 

Where, my own M.P., art thou ? 
You but suffer by attorney, 

While, your scapegoat, I must bow ! 

" Birds of feather flock together " — 

All-awry the proverb runs :' 
Or I now should share my tether 

With finance's greater guns. 
" Sauce for goose is sauce for gander " — 

Why thus penned then have / been, 
While in Southern climes you wander, 

Unconvicted and serene ? 

Things are wrong : that 's my assurance : 

Where the wrong is though I doubt : 
Whether that I'm here in durance, 

Or that you, my friends, are out ; 
Either I 'm an ill-used martyr, 

Or fate's even has come odd : 
You've caught flats ; I've caught a Tartar : 

You 're at large and I 'm in quod. 



Britannia's Baggage Stops the Way. 

If the great "right of search," as applied to passengers' portman- 
teaus and carpet-bags is to be allowed to block the passage" over the 
Channel, during the Great Exhibition of 1807, we had better Latinise 
" luggage " at once, by its old Roman name— Impedimenta. 



40 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 26, 18C7. 



MR. PUNCH'S DESIGNS FOR THE NEW NATIONAL GALLERY. 





No. 1.— SUGAR-TONGS PATTERN. 

Not by Owen Jones. 



No. 2.— STEAKINE ORDER. 

Borrowed by Brodrick. 




No. 3.— GOTHIC HORSE-SHOE STYLE. 

A Suggestion for Street. 




No. 4.- CROQUET STYLE. 

OS How do you Like this for a Dome, Mr. Barry ? 




No. 5.— THE TELESCOPIC STYLE, 

Or how to get " Top Lights " for Pictures, Mr. Digby Wyatt, 
if you Please. 




No. 6.— THE BOTTLE AND GLASS, 

;Or Convivial Period— which might have Hafpened if Banks had' 
Dined with Barry. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holtord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex , at the Printing office? of Messrs. Hradbury, F.vans.* Co.. Lombard 
Street, in the Precinct oi W'hil< friars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, Id the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— SiTuaoii .Jisvjbt 26, 1867. 



February 2, 1867.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



41 



A FLOURISHING STATE OF AFFAIRS. 

ur Dramatic Authors com- 
plain that while Managers 
continue to make fortunes 
out of long runs and enormous 
successes, the cold weather 
continues so to numb their 
fingers as to render them use- 
less for writing. 

By the way, the returns from 
the provincial Managers show 
what fortunes successful and 
" distinguished Authors" may 
make if they are only lucky. 
Tn the Lacy v. Toole case a 
Mr. Viner states, in a letter 
put in as evidence, the drama- 
tists' fees in the provinces 
ranged from two to three shil- 
lings a-night. There 's a 
gigantic sum ! Croesus will 
soon be but a synonym for 
Dramatic Author. The Actor, 
starring about the coun- 
try, does not manage (poor 
wretch !) to pocket more than 
forty or fifty pounds a-night, 
while that exorbitant vam- 
pire, the Dramatic Author, 

to whom in many cases he owes more than half his success, is sacking no small advantage 

out of these performances, drawing (the mean scoundrel !) not less than two or three shillings 

per night ! 
The " Star" returns home with two or threethousand pounds (poor unfortunate man !), and 

the three or four Dramatic Authors, whose pieces (lucky dogs that they are !) he has been 

kind enough to play, divide a five-pound note between them. 




NO STANDING JOKE. 

The natives of Colchester were probably more 
or less astonished the other day at a Conserva- 
tive dinner, when thanks for a toast were re- 
turned by Colonel Learmonth, in a speech 
the conclusion of which looks likely to be re- 
garded as rather peculiarly post-prandial : — 

" One word more before he sat down : as a Church- 
man, he should support the Church of England as long 
as he could stand." 

The perfect coherency, and considerable sharp- 
ness of the gallant Colonel's previous observa- 
tions, oblige us to warn his political opponents 
against attempting to make any joke at his 
expense on the foregoing declaration. 



CHANGE FOR DR. MANNING. 
Mr. Punch, 

You doubtless rejoice to see that Dr. 
Manning is willing to accept the silver age of 
toleration as the next best thing to the golden 
age of unity. His Church, then, no longer goes 
in for either " mastery or martyrdom." I think 
I remember a passage in a certain sermon, which 
said that it did. Could that sermon have been 
Dr. Manning's ? If so, Dr. Manning is to be 
congratulated on a happy change of his Church's 
mind, if not on a vast enlightenment of his own. 
The silver which he is now content to take in 
lieu of gold is no small change. I give him joy 
of it, Sir, and am, Yours truly, Mem. 



A Band-Box. — An Orchestra. 



A PROPHET AT EAULT. 

There is an old song that tells us 

" 'Tis a pity when charming women 
Talk of things they do not understand," 

and the same with equal truth may be said of charming preachers. 
Dr. Cumming, who is one of the most charming preachers going (at 
least, so many persons think), has unfortunately talked about the end 
of the world, which is a thing that nobody can expect to understand. 
It is a pity that he did so, for, when a preacher becomes popular, some 
people have an awkward way of recollecting what he tells them. Then 
unpleasant little paragraphs creep into the newspapers, as, for instance, 
this : — 

" A short time ago, in a letter to the Times, Da. Cumming protested that he had 
never fixed any specific period for the end of the world, hut had merely said that 
prophecy did not extend beyond the year 1866. Mr. James Grant, editor of the 
Morning A&verliit r, and author of the End of All Things, just published, declares, in 
that work, in a most emphatic manner, that Dr. Comming did say that the world 
would certainly come to an end long before this. " 

Mr. Punch, who has read everything, of course has read the End of 
All Thinys, and can in a moment point to the passage here referred 
to:— 

" I myself heard him, as far back as twenty years ago, affirm, as a matter of 
fact— not advance as a matter of opinion— that in four years, possibly in a shorter 
time than that, the world would come to an end in the literal acceptation of the 
words. This was stated on a Sunday morning, in Exeter Hall, not in my hearing 
only, but in the presence of about five thousand people, among whom, as may 
well be imagined, the absolute unconditional assertion produced no ordinary 
excitement." 

In future, Dr. Cumming doubtless will be careful how he prophe- 
sies. Indeed, he had much better give that business up to Mr. Punch. 
The latter has for years been famous as a prophet. His Derby pro- 
phecy is annually looked for with intense anxiety and interest, and, by 
his own showing, is annually fulfilled. Dr. Cumming, should he feel 
again impelled to prophesy, would be wise, before he does so, to con- 
sult with Mr. Punch. The great rule with the latter is never to predict 
what he will not have the power to prove as having come to pass. It 
is this which has sustained his high prophetic reputation, and gained 
for his predictions such remarkable success. Had Dr. Cumming but 
attended to this golden rule, he would stand a better chance of being 
listened to with interest than he now can hope to do. Small prophets 
should not prophesy upon great events. Such events as the Derby 
are quite large enough for prophets now-a-days to speak about, and 
even such events as these are best left to the prophetic soul of Mr. 
Punch. 



Sir, 



THE EXHIBITION OF '67. 



The Most Modest Thing in Creation— The Retiring Tide. 



They have refused to allow me any space. When I say they, 
I mean the Commissioners, not the Emperor Napoleon, between 
whom and myself has passed some very pleasant correspondence which 
it does not become me to make public. The Emperor has been all 
politeness, but has been unable to offer me any other space than what 
I may be able to find outside the Parisian Building, with which some 
people say I ought to be contented. I am not contented. But the 
world loses, not I. Permit me, Sir, to forward to you a list of what 
the world will lose by not permitting me to exhibit. I have invented 
and patented the following articles, being, I must tell you, chiefly an 
inventor of things portable. First — 

A. A Pocket Poker, with tongs and shovel to match. 

B. Bedstead adapted for waistcoat-pockets. I must add a note to 

this. It is adapted wonderfully to the waistcoat pockets, but, 
of course, it depends upon how many waistcoats you take 
with you. 

C. A small Cottage Piano, works complete, double action, adapted 

to the breast-pocket of a surtout. 

D. The Surtout, with breast-pocket adapted to the cottage piano 

aforesaid. 

E. A Diamond Tiara for the head, but adapted to the pocket of 

any of the Rothschilds. 

F. A Portable Stove and General Kitchen Apparatus, with Butler's 

Pantry adjoining. 

G. Portrait of the Man by whom the above would be portable. 

Every one of these ought to have obtained a first class prize. Perhaps 
you will kindly see to rectify this before too late, and oblige, yours 

truly, SlMONIUS DOLOROCADO. 

P.S. I forgot to add that in fifty-two portable volumes I am about 
to publish The hires of Celebrated Oysters. Give your orders while the 
waiter is in the room. 

PP.S. In time I shall be able to send you my plan for portable 
Zoological Gardens. I should have finished it this week, but for some 
friends calling for me, and insisting upon my returning with them to 
Colwcll-Hatchney College, although, having calculated it in logarithms, 
I am sure the vacation is not over. 



A Suggestion. 

After-Dinner Conversation is sometimes called post-prandial talk. 
Considering the spirituous character of much of the wine we consume, 
would it not be more correct to say post-brandial ? 



VOL. LII. 



42 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 2, 1867. 




BY AUTHORITY." 

Street Boy (sternly). " P'mce-Sekge'nt says as you're t' have yotjr Door- way Swep' 
Immediat'; an' (more meekly) me as' my Mate's willin' to do it, 8' !" 



HIT HIM HABD ! 
To Mr. Punch, at the Head of the fleet, 

May It please your honor. To fight well no matter whether it Be with Frigates or 
with Fistes 2 things is requisite — 1. you must hit hard. 2. you must be able to stand Punish- 
ment. " Shot against Ship " — that 's the Form of action to speak In lawyer's Lingo. As 
i 've often remarked To my mess-mate mat Merman no matter how thick-headed A enemy is 
Only bring us near Enough, and give us a Ball hard enough, and we'll make An impression on 
his understanding. And now Lo ! and b'hold Palliscr comes for'ard with his Chil'd shot and 
engages that Tt shall go thro' Oak and Iron like a Flash of wirtuous Indignation. Ain't it 
Wonderful what Science can Do when stimulated By pluck and patted on the Back by the 
1st Lords of the admiralty ? If britannia is really the boney-fidey guardian of these Happy 
isles (a fact which i and a good many more Superstitious people Do werily believe) how proud 
she must feel when sitting on her Copper shield she sees her little Lads in Blue jackets (lads who 
Can hold their own whether it Be b'hind a Bat or a Battery) coming Fresh trom the " Oval " 
to the Ocean and pitching a Ball with such Velocity, that no human Stumps can stand 



against It. Yes your Honor britannia rules 
the Waves now as heretofore, and b'lieveme, 
it will be hard lines with them that come 
athwart her, When she has got the Buler in 
her hand. 'Xcuse this Horrid scrawl as I 
am your Honor's humble Sarvent 

in Haste Tom Tough, H.M.S. Boxer. 

p.s. Like a lady i 'd forgotten what I sat 
down to write about, till i came to my p.s. 
My granmother often wonder'd what B'came 
of all The pins — she was Always buying them 
and yet she declared she never had 1 to use. 
Just so it is With old mrs. en gland, who is 
always Buying Ships, and yet (If some m.p.'s 
may be B'lieved) she's never got 1 fit for 
Action. Do the Pius go after the Ships or 
do the Ships go after the Pins ? Who can 
tell ! Can sir j. packington ? — T. T. 



OZONE. 
(An Ode to Meteorological Observers) 

There is a word, 

Perhaps absurd 
The thought may be, I '11 own ; 

But it sounds — oh 

So full of woe ! 
That chemic term, Ozone. 

'Tis in the air 

An essence rare ; 
Not much about it known : 

Now less, now more. 

The tempests roar 
The sad winds sigh Ozone ! 

Each weather-sage, 

That rain doth gauge, 
And note each breeze that s blown, 

Cloud, mist, and fog, 

Down in his log 
Takes care to put Ozone. 

Of its excess, 

Or scantiness, 
Effects by health are shown. 

The sudden change, 

Oft felt so strange, 
Can that be from Ozone ? 

When east wind keen 

Makes skin shagreen, 
And pierces to the bone, 

Perhaps its sting 

Is that same thing 
Of doleful name, Ozone. 

When plague and pest 

Mankind infest, 
And folk with fever groan, 

The atmosphere 

Is in a queer 
State, as regards Ozone. 

When devils blue 

Prevail on you 
To mope, despond, and moan, 

Is their control 

Of heart and soul 
Exerted through Ozone ? 

O dismal sound ! 

What gloom profound 
In that lugubrious tone ! 

To blast forlorn 

Of mournful horn, 
Fancy attunes Ozone. 

Or bass, as low 

As breath can blow 
Upon the grim trombone ; 

Sepulchral note 

Deep down in throat : 
Ozone, Ozone, Ozone ! 



The Best Place for an Observatory. 
-Air Street. 



February 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



43 




A DECIDED OPINION. 

Unpleasant Boy (whose Christmas Vacation has been unnecessarily prolonged). "On, my Cracky! 

GOT AT THE ADELPHI ! — ' THE SiSTER's PENANCE ! ' I WONDER WHAT THAT IS?" 

Elder Sister. " A Brother home for the Holidays, I should say ! " 



Here's a Jolly Piece they Ye 



PROROGATION OP PAELIAMENT, 

OR, THE IDEAL AND REAL DRAMA. 

Drama 1st.— The Ideal. 

The scene represents the House of Lords. Courtiers in full dress. 
Knights in armour with banners and bannerets, Barons carrying all 
the ornaments they possess, with side-arms, pole-axes, and waving 
plumes. Generals of Division, Captains, Commandants, Dismounted 
Marines with their General-Admirals, Port Admirals, Admirals of the 
Blue, White, and Red. Pages bearing cushions, on which lie insignia 
of divers degrees. Dukes in their robes with drawn swords. Field 
Marshals with batons. Ambassadors from India, Asia Minor, Greece, 
Turkey, the Feejee Islands, France, Germany, Prussia, Spain. Legates 
from Home introduced by Mr. Odo Russell. In the galleries lovely 
Duchesses, queenly Countesses, and Viscountesses, sparkling with 
diamonds, and graceful with nodding plumes, attended by pages who 
shall be the younger sons of the younger sons of the eldest daughters of 
Earls. Cloth of Gold on the floor, damask velvets, with the costliest 
embroidery covering the seats ; while the throne, itself raised on a dais 
at one extremity of the House, is one blaze of precious stones, whereat 
even the Indiau Princes, who are present in golden fetters, shade 
their eyes, dazzled. 

"Without the House the loyal mob are kept in order by the House- 
hold Guard, and the Civil Service with truncheons. A grand proces- 
sion reaching from Buckingham Palace to the House of Lords is hailed 
with cheers. The procession resolves itself into several parallel lines, 
admitting between them The Queen, in regal robes. 

Albert Prince of Wales, and all the Royal Family, in the Royal 
Family Coach, and other vehicles of silver and gold. 

Pursuivants mounted and on foot attend. Fanfares are blown. 
Trumpets sound. Exons in waiting with gleaming swords. 

Mr. Planche, as Rottge Dragon (or Rouge something-or-other, out 
of compliment to his dramatic talents) rides forward with a large head 



on his shoulders made by Dykwynkyn. Thus is the amusement of 
the people consulted. Drums are beaten. 

All the cannons, trophy-cannons in the parks, minor canons of St. 
Paul's, the guns at Windsor, Woolwich, Deptford, Brighton on the 
Parade, and, in fact, everywhere, led by those of the Tower of London, 
keep up salvoes deafening to unaccustomed ears. Her Majesty, bow- 
ing graciously and smiling royally, acknowledges her people's acclama- 
tions by removing her jewelled crown from her head, and replacing it 
with all the grace of Queenhood. 

Then the Chancellor, the Archbishop, ignoring the Legates who 
have left their hats behind them, and all the Law Lords and Prelates, 
receive Her Majesty, and Lord Derby, in his magnificent robes, 
his train being supported by two beefeaters, in gorgeous liveries, con- 
ducts her, himself walking backwards (which he has practised in his 
own bedroom for weeks previously with the beefeaters aforesaid,) to 
the Great Throne. Then, after fanfares of trumpets, beating of drums, 
and salvoes of cannon, proclaiming silence, Her Gracious Majesty 
in a clear silvery voice prorogues Her Lords and Commons. Then 
again the drums are beaten, again the cannons roar, once more the 
flags, which have waited for the breath of Royalty, unfurl and waggle 
in the wind : again the— in fact everything as before, with the addition 
of triumphal marches played all over the Metropolis by a hundred 
different regimental bands, and bells from all the churches clanging 
and pealing, amidst which Victoria the First returns to Buckingham 
Palace. 

The town is illuminated, fountains of rum-punch and whiskey-hot 
spirt from the mouths of the metropolitan statues, and the free foun- 
tains flow with brandy-and-water, all hot. 

So much for the Ideal Ceremony. Let us look at the Real, for we 
are in a material age. 

Scene. — The House of Lords. 
Enter Old Woman who shivers, and lights a stove : it smokes. Old Woman 
" drats it," and exit. Enter Three Gentlemen well wrapped up and 
shivering: they stand round the stove. The three are the Lord 



44 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[February 2, 1867. 



Chancellor, the Earl op Derby, and the Earl of Malmesbury. 
These are the Royal Commissioners : they robe. 

The Royal Commissioners (to one another, seated on a form). Very 
cold, eh? very. (Use pocket handkerchiefs violently.) 
Lord Derby (after a pause). Oh, thank goodness, here's Clifford. 

Enter Sir Augustus Clifford, Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod. He 
looks in to see if the Commissioners are there, and then goes to the 
Commons to tell Sir Erskine May that_ " The Lords Commissioners 
desire their (the Commons') immediate attendance to hear the 
Commission read." 

Earl of 'Malmesbury (impatiently). When is May coming? 

Lord Derby (alluding to the weather). May ! you can't expect it in 
January. 

Lord Chancellor. Hum ! 
[Thinks he '11 say this as his own to the Bishop of Oxford next Session. 

All (to one another). I wish they 'd make haste. 

Earl of Malmesbury (coughing). What a horrid stove this is ! 

Slingsby Bethell (Clerk to the Lords). I know a cure for smoky. 

stoves, it's [Ls cut short by the re-entry of Sir A. Clifford with 

Sir E. May, and four Gentlemen Clerks of the Commons. 



Lord Derby. Now then ! (To Mr. Slingsby Bethell, who forthwith 
reads the writ of Prorogation. The Lord Chancellor declares Parlia- 
ment prorogued. Exeunt quickly, omnes, prorogued. 

First Clerk of Commons (to brother Clerk). What a nuisance this is ; 
it 's brought me all the way from Scotland in this weather. 

Second Clerk of Commons. Yes, confound it ; it cuts into one's leave. 
I 've come from Paris, and missed one of the jolliest parties. Good 
bye — I 'm off. [Separate, and leave London. 

Third Clerk to Fourth Clerk. What a farce this is ! — absurd. 
Fourth Clerk. ; Yes; why can't it be done by proclamation and 
advertisement. 
Both. Ah, why not ? [Exeunt separately, saying " Bosh ! " 

Opinion of the Serjeant-at-Arms (who overhears tliese last remarks). If 
they come to advertising, why, hang it, in time they'll do away 
with me. 

[He agrees with the Yeoman-usher, " that it 's much better to observe 
the old forms and ceremonies, with all their inconveniences, — 
among others, that of being paid about fifteen hundred ayear to 
observe them, than to sweep them all away." Exeunt both to 
dinner, where they drink to Unlimited Commons and a Short 



The time 's at hand ! The fateful nones 

Of February near, 
And the great city buzzes 

In flush of hope or fear : 
Nor the great city only, 

But England far and. nigh, 
Wherever rumour reaches, 

Or pen-winged ducks can fly ; 
In the shop of the Plebeian, 

Where Bealial faiths prevail ; 
In Patrician triclinia 

Where the Bright star is pale ; 
Where in pleasant country-houses 

Time is killed and hearts are lost ; 
Where at cover-sides the hunters 

Wish good-speed to the frost ; 
In adyta, whence noodles 

Are with flap-doodle fed ; 
In Oracles, that palter ; 

In leaders that are led ; 
On one chime and one only 

The changes still are rung, 
One theme sets each pen driving, 

Sets wagging every tongue — 
That theme is the Arena, 

Its matches, chances, names — 
England's Ludi Sessionales, 

Our Gladiatorial Games ! 

If thus the crowd is eager, 

That will but watch the scene, 
Back its chances and its colours, 

The blue, or red, or green ; 
Deal hisses or rain plaudits, 

Turn its thumbs either way, 
Dooming to death, or sparing 

To fight another day, — 
Prom the front-rows patrician 

Where knights, and vestals sit, 
To the top-bench, where flashes 

The Proletarian's wit, 
On wearers of the purple, 

Too dignified to laugh, 
Show'ring the Forum's offal, 

And the Suburra's chaff — 
If these are hot to fever, 

What must the fighters feel, 



THE GLADIATORS' MUSTER. 

The Gladiators, entered 
To test each other's steel ? 

Derbeius, fierce lanista 

Of the new Torian school, 
Merripebbulus the mighty ; 

And Humilis the cool ; 
Lucidus Badicalis, 

Born in the sect of peace, 
Whose life of bull-dog warfare 

Has never known surcease : 
Walpolius the weeping ; 

Pakingtonius the prim, 
Hight Naso, from proboscis 

O'er-reaching vizor's rim ; 
Cranbornius Acidulus, 

Bitter of word and blow ; 
And Stanlius Derbei'des, 

Sedate and strong and slow. 
And — mystery of the Arena — 

One shape of many names, — 
Vivianus, Coningsba:us, 

Sidonius, who claims, 
But to ludi and lanista, 

As Dizzius far-renowned, 
With form not quite an angel's, 

And falchion razor-ground : 
Fighter 'gainst odds undaunted, 

And at all weapons yare, 
Secutor's deadly dagger, 

Or Laquearius' snare ; 
As swift as Merripebbulus 

The hampering net to throw, 
Nor slower with the barbed point 

To deal the after-blow — 
The peopled Circus knows him, 

Will cheer as he comes in, 
Yet though so great a fighter 

None ever saw him win : 
When they shout his final " habet .'" 

And he waits the word to die, 
Will the thousands in the Circus 

Turn thumbs to sand or sky ? 
But why name — when so many 

Un-named must still remain, 
Some who have gained their glory, 

Some whose glory 's still to gain ? 



Known and unknown, they 're must'ring, 

And arming head and heel : 
Dizzius grinds his weapon, 

While Derbeius turns the wheel : 
In vain to Stanlius looks he 

To lend a filial hand, 
Hard son can nought for heady sire 

But with crossed arms to stand : 
Cranbornius sourly weigheth 

The odds 'twixt foes and friends, 
When Merripebbulus attacks, 

And Dizzius defends : 
Stout Lucidus is plying 

His thonged and loaded fists, 
And, as he nits a dummy,_ 

Pounding it where he fists ; 
But he must be more cautious 

When he the fight comes to ; 
The difference none knows better 

'Twixt dummy foes and true : 
While Millius, the philosopher, — 

How came he to such craft ? — 
Taking his heat for earnest, 

Proffers a cooling draught : 
Here, brisk and biting Humilis 

With keen eye seeks the joint 
Where in Lucidus's armour 

He best may plant his point : 
There— pigmiest of fighters — 

But of bigger heart than thews, 
Russellius strains to compass 

Five feet seven in his shoes. 
Plying unequal dumb-bells, 

The big his youth essayed, 
Against the bunch of little ones 

That his old age betrayed. 

But hark ! the trumpet soundeth, 

And thousands straining stare ; 
And Pun emus the Prsetor 

Hath ta'en his curule chair. 
Now, Gladiators, forward 

To win or lose a name. 
" Morituri te salutant — 

Et victuri ! " — Make your game ! 



Thermometrical. 

Professor Tindial presents his compliments, &c, and begs to say 
that he and his assistant have made the following, and that it took 
them only 3 hours 34 minutes, the Thermometer so low that it had to 
stand upon another to give any reading at all. 

Why must the amount of caloric possessed by two persons, one of 
whom is abusing the other, remain the same during the operation ? 
Because one'scolded to exactly the same extent as the other's heated. 

P. T. feels that he ought to say that his assistant did hardly any 
of it. 



Friday, Jan. 25th, 1867. 

The First Lion intended for the Nelson Monument has broken from 
its distinguished keeper, Sir Edwin Landseer, and is now at large, 
in fact at very large, in Trafalgar Square. The inhabitants are gradu- 
ally regaining composure. A poet m the neighbourhood has already 
begun a poem entitled " A dawning of a Roarer" 



On View. — A young Swell friend of ours who failed as an " Exhi- 
bitioner " at Oxford, has applied for space to " aw — aw— show himself 
in Paris next year, ya-as." 



PUNCH, OR THE LO] tfVARI— February 2, 1867. 




W e. R k. R l. P w. 



GLADIATORS PREPJ 



1. L E. C E. B T. 

FOR THE ARENA. 



February 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



49 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(Another Rainy Day at Bovor. How I occupy myself. The Pedler.) 

Another rainy day. They are all at work : Childers at his pic- 
ture, Stenton at his articles, and stirring up his dish of photographs ; 
Poss Felmyr at his novel, Bob Englefield at his drama. 

Happy Thought. — Work at my handbook of repartees : quite forgot- 
ten it for a long time. Childers tells me that the room in which 
I am writing was Anne Boleyn's boudoir. He leaves mc to medi- 
tate upon this. What reflections do not occur to one's mind ? * * * 
What reflections do?*** "This," I remind myself, "was Anne 
Boleyn's boudoir. Here," I say to myself, standing by the window, 
" she looked out of the window." I feel a gentle melancholy stealing 
over me. " In this cupboard," here I stand by a small cupboard in the 

oak panel, " she perhaps kept her — her • " I open it and find a 

piece of string, a screw, and a broken saucer — these things suggest 
nothing particular, so I alter my sentence to " Here she kept something 
or other." How difficult to be enthusiastic : you can't force it. I 
know men who, if they were shut up in this room, would overflow 
with poetry. Why;don'tI? I don't know. Why is it that the only 
thought that forcibly presents itself to me is, " Why didn't she have a 
fire-place here ? " 

Happy Thought. — Peel just in the humour to write repartees. Accord- 
ing to my original notes, take them alphabetically. It will be a useful 
volume, I am convinced, to a large number of people. To make a 
beginning, I arrange my paper. Now — 

Abbot. What to say to an. Abbot. — 

By the way we must start with the hypothesis, in every case, of the 
person having made some observation to you demanding a repartee. 
The way to arrange this clearly would be thus : — 

Name of Person. — Hyp. What he says to you. Rep. What you '11 say 
to hi i a. 

Very well then. 

Abbot. Hyp. Here's the difficulty, what would an abbot say to 
you'.? 

Englefield looks in for a minute to ask me how I 'm getting on 
generally, and I consult him. I ask him what I can put down an 
Abbot as saying P He replies that I 'm wrong in beginning with 
Abbot, as Abbe, alphabetically, comes before Abbot. 

Happy Thought— -Do French repartees. Make a separate book of it. 
Great sale at the Exhibition of '67. Very useful to visitors. Or why 
not translate them into all languages ? Easily done with a dictionary 
and grammar ; and friends from a distance would assist. 

Happy Thought. — And why not illustrate it ? Capital. Englefield 
says this is a good idea. Abbe offers an opportunity for a French 
repartee. See how it works. We must have a hypothesis. For instance, 
Englefield points out that the Abbe must first be rude. 

I explain, that according to my developed idea, it will be between 
a French Abbe and an Englishman, or a Frenchman, or a German, 
or a Spaniard, or an Ojibeway, as the case might be. 

Wonder what the Ojibeway would say? Englefield suggests, 
" he 'd tomahawk the Abbe." 

Let us suppose an out-of-the-way case. " The essence of surprise 
is wit," I remind Englefield. I wonder if this is an original idea of 
mine. On thinking it over I find I mean, " The essence of wit is sur- 
prise," however, it doesn't matter, as Bob Englefield says, " Yes." 
" Hypothetical Case : — An English tourist comes to an abbey in France. 
The Abbe won't admit him. The Abbe is rude, and says out of the 
window, ' Allez au diable, vous gros Anglais, vous ! ' The repartee is 
ready to hand, ' Vous etes un autre! " This would shut up the Abbe 
completely. 

In England there is, I think, only one Abbot, who lives in Leicester- 
shire, and people would hardly go out of their way for the sake of 
making repartees to him. Besides, I believe he is a Trappist, and 
bound by vows not to speak to anybody. As it would lead to compli- 
cations to draw up separate directions for "Repartees to be repartee'd 
to persons who won't speak to you," I shall not consider his and any 
similar cases. Now what 's the next word, alphabetically ? There 's 
nobody beginning with Abe. Take Academician. "Hypothesis: Acade- 
mician says to you, ' What a conceited donkey you are.' " Then you 'd 
say as a repartee, " This Academician does but estimate the character 
of any other individual than himself, by the knowledge he already 
appears to possess of his own." I read this with emphasis to Engle- 
field, who considers it, he says, " crushing, certainly, but too John- 
sonian." I ask Stenton his opinion. He replies that "If any fellow 
said it to him-, lie 'd knock his head off." I attempt to turn the con- 
versation by wondering how it would sound in Spanish. Poss Felmyr, 
who has been in Spain, observes that if I said such a thing to a 
Spaniard, he'd have a stiletto into me like one o'clock. 

These criticisms are rather against the publication of my book ot 
repartees. When you come to proceed with it, it offers many difficul- 
ties. For instance, what to say to an Accountant, to an Acrobat, to an 
Aeronaut, to an Armourer, and so on through the letter A, because so 
much depends upon what they 've said to you. But, in a general way, 



I shall arrange it like a conversation book, and my readers must take 
their chance. 

Happy, Thought. —Send it to Bradbury & Evans to publish. 
Notes for tlie Book. — 

In B we have Repartee to a Baker, a Beadle, a Buccaneer. 
L>. Io a Corn-cutter. 

D. What to say to a Dragoon, to a Dragoman, &c. E is awkward. 
Jb includes Funny Fellow, and Fool, and Footman. Also a 
Fakeer ; though I don't see what you'd say to a Fakecr. 
I shall leave it for to-day. 

Happy Thought.— Why not say the same thing to every one ? If it 's 
a good one, 'twould tell equally well on an Abbot, a Buccaneer, or a 
Footman. 

Going through the Hall I meet a common-looking dirty man, with a 
sort of portfolio under his arm, and carrying a box. One of those 
travelling pedlers who go about the country, and into any houses 
.they find open, on pretence 'of selling something. I ask him what he 
wants here ? He answers that he wants nothing. Then I tell him 
he'd better go. He observes that I am perhaps unaware to whom I 
am speaking. 

Happy Thought— Under letter P, Repartee to a Pedler. Can't think 
of one now. I show him the door. 

The Butcher brings a letter for me. It is from old Johnny Byng, 
who wants me to come to his bachelor establishment, and keep Christ- 
mas with him before he goes to France : if I will, I am to come at once, 
or he shall ask the Swiltons. Don't like the Swiltons ; at least I mean 
if we were at Byng's together, he always gives Mb. and Mrs. Swilton 
the best room, and is always so confidential with Swilton ; and then 
Mrs. Swilton, becoming the lady in the bachelor's house, is so con- 
foundedly patronising to me. So I shall go at once, and prevent the 
Swiltons. 

I announce this at luncheon. They are all so ' sorry I am going. 
Mr. Childers says, " You haven't been out in the punt to catch jack 
in the moat ? " " You haven't sat for your photograph," says Stenton. 
" We were to have had a good walk together," cries Englefield. 
" You mustn't go," says Poss. Mrs. Poss sweetly hopes there's no 
necessity for my leaving them. Mrs. Childers observes, " it 's awk- 
ward too, as she 'd promised Lord Starling to bring their guest with 
them to-morrow to dinner." " Very kind of her," I say, though I 
don't like being " brought" in this manner. 

The " brought friend " is coldly welcome for the evening, and they 
never speak to him afterwards. Still I shouldn't mind knowing Lord 
Starling. Mrs. Childers tells me, "Oh, you'd be charmed with 
them. Lady Starling is such a good, kind person." " Not at all 
stuck up," puts in Mrs. Poss. " Ah," says Mrs. Childers, " you 
haven't known 'em so long as we have," by which she means to say to 
Mrs. Poss, " Don't you talk about the aristocracy : it was through us 
you knew anything about them." 

Childers, foreseeing unpleasantness, interposes with, " My Lord 
was here this morning. I thought he would be." " Oh, Mat," says 
Mrs. Childers, " I hope you asked his Lordship in to lunch." " I 
did," returns Mat, " but he wouldn't come." I feel glad of this ; 
and so I'm sure does Mrs. Poss, -, who is only in her morning 
dress. She says, however, taking a small radish, " I suppose the 
Duchess expects him." A Duchess ! I should like to stay over this 
party, and then go to old Johnny Byng's. I 'd astonish Byng. 

" I think," I say for the sake of conversation, " I know Lord 
Starling." [Analysing the feeling that prompts this observation, I 
find it would come under the head of Natural Attraction, to Magnates.] 
Mrs. Childers regards me with interest. " Funny little chap," says 
Childers. "He was here to sketch this morning. He'd his old 
paint-box, which belonged to his great grandmother, and a remarkably 
antique portfolio." " A box and a portfolio ? " I repeat, as it occurs to 
me that I 've seen something of the kind within the last hour. " Yes," 
says Stenton, in his bass voice, the deeper for his having just lunched, 
" and such a slouch wideawake and old greasy coat." " And ragged 
gaiters," adds Englefield. " Looks," says Poss, " like the Wan- 
dering Jew : a wandering Jew pedler." " Yes," returns Childers, 
who is at the window, " He 's only just now going off in bis dog-cart." 
I am at the window. 

" Is that Lord Starling ? " I ask. 

" Yes," answers Childers. " You wouldn't think, to look at him, 
that he is the owner of this Castle and all the property about here." 

1 shouldn't, and what is more I hadn't ; for the gentleman in the 
dog-cart is the Pedler to whom I made my practical repartee of showing 
the door. His own door ! 

I go to Byng's. 

From Beds. 

We are the most loyal people on'the face of the earth. We are even 
solicitous about the sleep of those who reign over us. How often at 
public dinners are the company called on to express their good wishes 
tor " the rest of the Royal Family ! " 



50 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 2, 1867. 




RECREATION FOR THE ARMY. 

Exciting Amusement in Country Quarters during a Frost. 



RHYMES FOR REFORMERS. 

If you 'd make a demonstration 
Of desire for Reformation, 
Make it by the presentation 
Of petitions ; and sensation 
Rouse by their accumulation. 

Don't resort to the formation 
Of a monstrous aggregation, 
Which will cause an obstipation 
Of the streets, with depredation, 
Harm, and loss by trade's cessation. 

If you do, you'll breed vexation, 
And engender indignation, 
And encounter execration, 
For endeavour at dictation, 
Bullying, and intimidation. 

Book you, friends, this observation : 
At mob-leaders' instigation, 
By a threatening conspiration, 
Nought you'll get but reprobation, 
Opposition, and frustration. 

Better try conciliation, 

And pacific operation, 

Which will prove, with commendation 

Quoted, your qualification 

For a share in legislation. 



A Sufficient Reason. 



An order from the Horse Guards directs that officers 
are to substitute steel scabbards for leather ones. Cap- 
t ious newspaper critics object that steel scabbards blunt 
I he swords they are meant to preserve. "What of that ? 
The Horse Guards won't encourage sharp blades, or why 
don't they give staff-appointments to the officers who pass 
the Staff College ? 



Last, January 23rd, Wednesday.— Grand Dance of 
Frozen out Foxhunters, in honour of the Great God 
Thaw. 



THE FROZEN-OUT GARDEN SONGSTERS. 
(by an old gourmand.) 

A Cock Blackbird I saw on a green holly tree, 

On the hard frozen earth when the snow around lay, 

At the bright scarlet berries, so hungry was he, 
Which his yellow bill nipped, he kept tugging away. 

On the holly from Christmas, when winters are mild, 
Unto Christmas, and longer, the berries will keep. 

Then the blackbirds and thrushes are dainty and wild, 
And they hold the hard fare of the hollybush cheap. 

It is when the cold weather has stopped the supplies, 
They are fain a coarse meal from the holly to tug ; 

When the dense frost-bound soil the fat lobworm denies, 
And the savoury snail, and the succulent slug. 

In the sunshine of life thus on turtle we feed, 
And below leg of mutton all viands decline ; 

But^when fortune's reverse brings a season of need, 
We are only too glad on cold shoulder to dine. 



A Morning from Home. 



Without any puffing— for Mr. Punch never puffs— big people should 
take their little people to see the Lilliputian troupe perform a couple of 
pieces at the Haymarket. Mr., Mrs. Judy, and Master Punch were 
delighted, and, after the entertainment, congratulated Mr. Coe, the 
trainer of these little gentlemen and ladies, on his and their success. 
Young Master Punch was pleased to observe that " he didn't wonder 
at the Company being so good, seeing the Coe was so clever." Master P. 
was immediately taken home. 



The Depth of Degradation.— The very lowest in the Social Scale 
are the cheating shopkeepers with their false balances. 



VESTRYMEN REFRESHED. 

One would think that parish work must be tremendously exhausting, 
at least if one may judge by the refreshments which are sometimes 
taken after it. The following, for instance, are a couple of hotel bills, 
for food supplied to some exhausted Vestrymen of Camberwell, in 
order to prevent their fainting ere they reached their homes : — 



SEWERS COMMITTEE.— (To Knioht). 



Oct. 11. 16 dinners £3 i 

Dessert 16 

Refreshments and wine 7 14 6 

16 teas 16 

Cigars 12 

Attendance 8 

£13 10 6 



Oct. 25. 15 dinners £3 

Desserts 15 

Refreshments and wines 6 5 



Teas 15 



Cigars 10 

Attendance 7 



£11 13 



Will it be believed that at the Vestry Meeting " the reading of these 
statistics caused a great many expressions of disapproval ? " Good 
gracious ! Are poor Vestrymen to starve, when they go about their 
parish business ? Is this a Christian country, and are they not men, 
and brothers of the rate-payers who have to pay their tavern-bills ? To 
be sure, we always thought that Vestrymen smoked pipes, ( and not 
cigars : else how was it that long clay-pipes came to be called ' church- 
wardens?" It might be urged, moreover, by some flinty-hearted 
rate-payers that the meat bears much the same proportion to the drink 
as Falstaff's halfpenn'orth of bread to his intolerable quantity of sack 
Certainly, we cannot wonder that poor-rates are so high, when such 
bills as the above are run up for mere refreshments. 



Medical. 

You are under examination. You are questioned about the Spinal 
Cord. You must be short sighted not to see the advantage it will be 
to you to describe it as the chain attached to your eye-glass. 



A Comment.—" Speech is sdver, but silence golden. 1 
expression, hush money. 



Hence the 



February 2, 18G7.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



51 




COLLOQUIAL EQUIVALENTS. 

Papa. "Now, my dear Girls, your Brother is receiving a most Expensive Education, and I think that while he is 
at Home for the Holidays you should Try to learn Something from him." 

Emily. "So we do, 'Pa. We've learnt that a Boy who Cries is a 'Blub,' that a Boy who Works Hard is a 
'Swot' " 

Flora. " Yes, and that anybody you don't Like is a ' Cad ; ' and we know the Meaning of ' Grub, ' ' Prog,' and a ' Wax ! ' " 



EVENINGS ErXOM HOME. 

{At the Lyceum Theatre) 

ROUGE ET NOIR. 

Act I. — An exciting Gambling Scene, where Maurice d'Arbel loses 
the money with which he has been intrusted by his mother to get a 
certain diamond necklace as a gift for his bride. 

Act II. — A Garden Scene. Old Madame d'Arbel seated. Music by 
Mr. Montgomery's orchestra, descriptive of ill health for some 
time and general debility. Madame d'Arbel moans and turns up 
her eyes, then turns vp the garden : then sits down. Enter into the 
Stalls two Gentlemen, after their dinner, one of them has evidently 
" seen the thing before" and is now bringing his Friend. 

2nd Person {who has not seen it before, to his Friend). I say, they 've 
begun the Second Act. 

[Irritable Elderly Gentleman, icith two Ladies, who has been 
trying to follow the plot very closely, turns round and frowns at 
the speaker. 
1st Person {who has seen it before). Yes. First Act's nothing. 
2nd Person {reproachfully). 1 particularly wanted to see the First 
Act. We oughtn't to have had that other claret. 

[Irritable Elderly Gentleman turns as if about to speak, but 
doesn't, and only breathes hard as he looks towards the stage 
again. lie disconcerts the Ladies with him. 
Mean but Affable Person {ne.rt to Irritable Gentleman). Would you 
be so good as to lend me your bill for a minute ? (Irritable Gentle- 
man gives it reluctantly?) Thank you. {Reads bill to his Friend.) 

[Dialogue has been going on on the stage. Trumpets sound. Enter 
Mr. Fechter down the house-steps. Irritable Gentleman 
prepares to attend closely. 



Enter, with much rustling and many recognitions, a Lady and her Husband. 

Irritable Elderly Gentleman {grumbling to Young Lady). Really people 

might come earlier, and not disturb a whole 

Young Lady {placing her hand on his arm, and watching the piece in- 
tently). Yes, Uncle. Sssh ! 

[Irritable Uncle prepares to attend foi the fourth time, and won't 
lend his bill again when asked. 

Mean but Affable Person to his Friend. You 're nearest the door, ask 
the stall-keeper for a bill. 

2nd Mean but perfectly wide-awake Friend. All right. {Feels in his 
pockets.) Have you got sixpence ? {Mean but Affable Person has only a 
shilling, which his Friend takes, and exit, over toes, to get to stall-keeper.) 

General Opinion {expressed, solto voce, on his going out). What a 
nuisance he is ! {and on his return) Dear ! ! again ! 

2nd Person {who hasn't seen the play before to his Friend). Why's 
Fechter dressed like that P 

Ills Friend. Oh, because he's going to be married— {uncertainly) — 
or because he 's been out all night. [Irritable Gentleman fidgets. 

1st Person. But to what period does the dress belong? 

Vague Friend. Oh, to the First Empire, or {very vaguely) before the 
revolution, {cleverly recovers his reputation for being well informed by 
adding,) it 's not strictly correct. 

Miss Leclercq {as Maurice d'Arbel' s destined bride, gives him her idea 
of how a bridegroom should spend his last bachelor night). His friends 
are round the festive board, the lights sparkle, the glasses are in their 
hands, they call aloud the name of their friend's future wife, they drink 
to his, to their, happiness, he rises from his seat, and 

2nd Person {during Mr. Fechter's picture of his being at a gambling 
table till five in the morning). I suppose Emery 's the villain ? 

1st Person {who, having seen it before, is going to sleep). Eh — villain — - 
oh yes— Emery 's always the villain. 

[Maurice d'Arbel makes his bride a icedding present of a rose 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 2, 1867. 



with a sentiment. Ladies in Stalls smile significantly, and pro- 
bably think they do those things better in real life. 
Mean Person {who borrowed a shilling, to his Friend cunningly). I 
say, not a bad dodge for a wedding-present, eli ? 

[Irritable Gentleman does toish they 'd be quiet. 

Enter Bridesmaids and Servants to music, and all go to Church except 

Madame d'Arbel, who, being too weak to join them, stands up 

during their absence and soliloquises. Organ plays solemnly, evidently 

in some part of the garden. The marriage ceremony is apparently being 

conducted, organ and all, in the adjoining summer-house. 

Madame d'Arbel {amusing herself by pretending she sees through the 

stone walls of the Church).' There they are! They kneel before the 

altar ! he, &c. &c., she, &c. &c. Now they, &c. &c. The Priest lifts 

his, &c. &c., and then all, &c. &c. Ah ! Happy ! Happy pair ! 

[Sinks into her chair, and thinks of the family pew . 

Enter, suddenly, a Gentleman in very modern cut whiskers, moustache, 
and Hessian boots ; with a generally vague appearance of belonging to 
no particular time or country. Music in the orchestra, of course, 
perhaps descriptive of Hessian boots. 
Madame d'Arbel (hysterically). Eric ! 
Eric. My letter not delivered ! ! ! ! 

Serious but foolish Butler. I gave it to {a name that sounds like 

Sperarsa). 

Enter Young Waiting Woman, with the name that sounds like 
Sperarsa. 
Young Waiting Woman. Oh yes, Madame, here it is. 

[More Music. Enter Powdered Footmen with Bridesmaids. Then 
Maurice and his bride. Madame d'Arbel icon't receive 
Maurice. More music. Sensation chords. Fitter a Commis- 
saire in a funny hat, and two myrmidons in funnier hats. More 
chords : say two chords for the Commissary and one for each 
myrmidon. Irritable Gentleman prepares to attend closer 
than ever. 
Commissary (sternly to Maurice) . You were at the gaming-table last 
night ? 
Madame (who evidently did not know Iter son was out). Ah ! 

[Powdered Footmen regard one another with silent horror. 
Maurice (vaguely). How? 

Commissary (politely, like a foreigner of distinction not quite perfect in 
his English). Am I wrong, if 'you please ? 
[Music, of course, as if it came from underground while they are talking. 
Madame d'Arbel. What has lie stolen P 

Maurice. Oh! Oh! (Behind his hand.) Oh! (Behind two hands.) 
Oh! Oh! 
Commissaire. The necklace ! [Miss Leclercq tears it off. 

2nd Person (in Stall who hasn't seen Act I.). Has he stolen it ? 
His Friend (who has seen it before). Well — you see — it's — you ought 
to have seen the First Act. 

[Irritable Gentleman hears this, and loses the thread of the story. 
Gaspard {making faces behind his cocked-hat). Don't mix my name up 
in the matter — (suddenly like the Clown) — Oh ! look at your mother. 
[Makes more faces at the audience slily, while Maurice looks at his 
mother. 
Commissary (touching Mr. Fcchter on the shoulder tcith a small cane 
like a conjuror's wand). Maurice d'Arbel, I arrest you ! 

[Women faint all over the place. The six Powdered Footmen evince 
varied emotions of horror, or surprise, or rage, or despair, or some- 
thing among themselves. More music. End of Act II. 

Entr'acte. 
Provincial Person (in front row of the Pit, who has been much in- 
terested up to this point.) I say, which is Buckstone ? 

[The fads are explained to him by a Town Friend. 

In Act III. there is plenty of lime-light, music, and Eric is shot, and 
Irritable Gentleman thinks he can follow it pretty closely now. 

ACT IV. 
Enter Fechter, very old. 

Funny Innkeeper (to his wife on the stage). Will you oblige me? 

[Meant to get a laugh, but doesn't. 
This sentence is the light writing of the piece, the comic relief, and 
occurs about sixty times in this Act. 

Colonel Eric (who wasn't shot in Act III.) to Innkeeper. There 's for 
you (gives money). We expect a young Captain. 

Funny Innkeeper. A Captain. (To his wife.) Will you oblige mc ? 
Thank you, thank you. 

[Some one in the audience laughs. Funny Innkeeper detects him, 
and plays at him gratefully during the remainder of the Scene. 
Maurice (trying to rise from the bench). I cannot ! 1 cannot ! 
Friend (who's not seen it before). Doesn't he speak like Webster in 
the Dead Heart (gives an imitation)? "My heart is dead! my heart 
is " 



Irritable old Gentleman (who has entirely lost the thread of the piece). 

S-s-sh ! I really wish that It 's quite impossible to 

Lady's Husband (with propriety). S-s-sh ! [Old Gentleman subsides. 

[Young Captain chinks bag of untold gold carelessly and sits at 

table: then treats Maurice to wine and luncheon. While 

Maurice is eating, Young Captain chinks untold gold again. 

He sees Maurice cutting off half the loaf and pocketing it. 

Young Captain. By that act I recognise the true nobility of your nature. 

[He alludes to pocketing half the loaf. Gives money, and chinks bag 

of untold gold again. Gaspard offers to guide him through the 

"orest. Storm commences. 

ACT V. 

Young Captain arrives at Maurice's hut. Discovers his Mother and 
Sister there. Is shown to a room, where he occupies himself by 
jingling and chinking his untold gold as a mild evening amusement for 
himself and little sister. Gaspard sets fire to the house. Music. 
Crashing. Pistols. Flames.' Hatchets. Smoke. Great applause. 
Curtain descends before the Irritable Gentleman can regain the thread 
of the story. Re-appearance of all the chief characters in the smoke. 

Person (who has seen it now, and is still rather hazy as to the necklace 
in Act II). I wish we'd been in for the First Act. (To his Friend.) 
If you hadn't stopped for that other claret, we might 

Friend (with a view to supper at Evans's). Oh, it 's all right. Come 
to Paddy Green's. 

[Exeunt omnes in every direction. Red fire from fuzees: cigars. 
Verdict, Not bad. 




THE BEST SCHOOL FOR WIVES. 

he husband is commonly said to be the 
bread-winner. So he is in general. But 
sometimes he is a Mantalini, and some- 
times his wife is an heiress; and in the 
former case he eats the bread of idleness, 
and iu the latter that of otium cum digni- 
tate, buttered on both sides. 

But, as the husband, in the ordinary 
course of things, is the bread-winner, so 
is — that is to say, so ought to be— the wife 
the bread-dresser, the toaster, and tem- 
perer of the bread, and, taking bread in its 
extended sense, the roaster and boiler of 
the meat. In short, the wife is the cook, 
or, if she is not, more shame for her. The 
cook, ma'am — not the cook-maid : the 
chief not the drudge of her husband's 
kitchen. 

But what is the wife whose skill in 
cookery is limited to roasting and boil- 
ing? A plain cook to her husband, neither 
useful, nor, if altogether plain, ornamental. 
The foregoing remarks are suggested 
by an announcement, in the Post, that 
there is, in Argyll Street, Regent Street, 
a School of Cookery, whereat, the other 
evening, there was 'given a select entertainment. This institution, 
founded by some genuine philanthropists for the education of cooks, 
comprises two departments of study ; a first class for artists who aspire 
to be professed cooks, and a second for persons whose humbler aim is 
proficiency "in plain cookery suitable for the servants of tradespeople." 
First-class cookery, of course, alone is suitable to the servants of the 
nobility and gentry. 

Success to this most important of educational establishments. May 
the School of Cookery in Argyll Street grow rapidly into a University, 
in which the daughters of England may be enabled to acquire that 
knowledge which will render them helps meet and suitable companions 
for men of liberal education and refined taste. There is no reason why 
women should not attain to that eminence in the higher branches of 
cookery which has hitherto been supposed possible only for men. In 
a College of Cookery there would be degrees, prizes, and offices,for which 
they might compete oftentimes successfully with the stronger sex. As 
the latter become bachelors and masters, so could the former turn out 
spinsters and mistresses of culinary arts. The degree of doctor might 
be common to both. There might be a Regius or a Regia Professor 
of Turtle, as the case might be; and professorships named after dis- 
tinguished gourmands, also open to both sexes : likewise professorships 
of chops, and steaks, of hors d'eeuvres, of entremets, of curry, of haricot 
mutton, of vol-au-vent, of rump-steak pudding, and of Irish stew ; and 
assuredly there ought to be a professorship of potatoes. Corresponding 
lectureships and scholarships might also be established. The candi- 
dates for degrees and honours might take up Ude, Soyer, Kitchener, or 
Mrs. Rundell ; and, in addition to undergoing an examination in these 
culinary classics, be required to operate on the raw material. 



February 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



55 




For Explanation of this Cut, see CARTOON. 



THE POPPER PAPERS. 

{Instructive.) 

My Dear Nephew, Albany, Wednesday. 

It is not very often, I am happy to say, that you and I meet 
at a dinner-table. You know I do not say this from any want of the 
affection which is supposed to exist between an uncle and a nephew. 
I pave you a very handsome mug at your christening, some twenty- 
three years ago, I always " tipped ' you in your boyhood, i made it all 
right between you and my brother-in-law (best known to you as your 
" Governor") when you got into a hole with certain creditors, and if 
you marry a lady, I dare say that your Uncle Paul's present to her 
will not be the least noticeable of the articles her bridesmaids will envy. 
Nor, unless you make too dreadful an ass of yourself, shall I alter by 
codicil a certain document now in the iron safe at Messrs. Growl, 
Smiles, & Sniggle's, in Lincoln's-Inn-Fields. But I don't think that 
we are likely to seek amusement in the same circles. 

However, my dear boy, I was both amused and surprised, and I 
may add that 1 was a little gratified, at your outbreak at our friend 
Sir Rocke Tapper's on Tuesday. How you became acquainted with 
that eminent geologist and philosopher, I don't know. I do not 
imagine that you know a saurian from a sand-piper. However, there 
you were, and very elegantly attired (studs a thought too splendid), 
and behaving yourself with much rationality. I was pleased to hear 
you begin to talk on foreign affairs, and notably on international poli- 
tics. The phenomenon was worth note. I did not expect to gain 
much valuaole information from you, beyond official certainty as to 
Mrs. Prtme Legge's next character in the private theatricals at 
Brighton, the real reason why young Bumptious Bloater had bolted, | 
and perhaps a few hints on the chances of the next Derby. To my 
astonishment you struck into a conversation on American affairs. My 
Mend Ma. Hepworth Dixon's remarkable book, New America, was 
the text, and his singular disclosures about the Mormons made the talk 
of the table, as they will do for all the tables for a long time. You did I 
a gentleman's justice to his gallantry, and to his vivid and startling 
revelations, but you evidently thought that you had the key to the 
strangest enigma of our age. I am not sure that you made this fact 
quite clear to your audience, but never mind. The way in which you 
explained the American Constitution to the young lady next to you 
was dashing, and though you clearly knew nothing about it, that was 
ol less consequence, as you bored her, and she wanted to listen to the 
mewing of the poet on the other side of her. He docs not write good 
poetry, my poor Algeknon, but he has three thousand a year, and has 
signified that he is only looking out for the Tenth Muse, in order to 
wedlock. 

But, my dear Algernon, if you are going in for political talk, what 
do you think of devoting twenty minutes, or so, per day, to mastering 
a few details ? I don't care about seeing men look up at you with that 
serene and imperturbable attention which indicates that a well-bred 
man is being, as you would say, awfully amused. That brilliant parallel 
which you drew between the House of Lords and the Supreme Court of 
the United States, would have been worthy of Macaulay, if it had been 
accurate in any one particular. What do you know about the United 
States, my dear Algernon ? Do you even know the outlines of their 
Constitution F And don't you think that as there are few houses in 
London in which you will not meet the best sort of American ladies 
and gentlemen, it would be a social advantage to you, not to say a 
decent civility to them, to acquaint yourself with the character of their 
institutions 't Do you know that 1 never met an American who had 



not paid vs, by anticipation, a reciprocal compliment ? One of the 
prettiest American girls I ever sat next,, nearly put me to my trumps 
the other night about the Mutiny Act? Do you know what the 
Mutiny Act means, Algernon ? 

I believe that you have been confirmed, so, though your godfather, 
I have nothing to do with your spiritual interests. I wonder what 
good-natured parson passed you on to the Bishop. But I suppose that, 
with certain contingencies, to which I have adverted, in your mind, 
you will allow me to tell you three or four things about America. 
They may be useful to you, and the like of you, in the time that is 
coming. We shall hear a good deal of America, presently, and 
especially if American respectability carries its point, and seuds the 
fire and the sword to protest against Salt Lake polygamy. 

The United States, my dear Algernon, have a Constitution, which 
is dated 17th September, 1787, and which has been "amended" about 
ten times since. Congress may amend it. 

Do you know what Congress is ? It is the American Parliament. 
This has two branches, the Senate and the House of Representatives. 
The former is the Upper, the latter the Lower House. Try and 
remember that. 

The Senate is composed thus. Each State in the Union elects two 
members, by its legislatures (mind), and these Senators are chosen for 
six years. Remember Senate, States, Six— three S's. That 's enough 
for one day. Now lay down my letter. 

Now we '11 resume, but, be sure you recollect what I have said. 
Next, a Senator must be 30, and must have been a citizen for nine years. 
The Senate, besides being a legislative body, has judicial functions, and 
is a High Court of Impeachment. Remember this, because you read 
telegrams about the impeachment of the President, and you are not to 
suppose that this solemn business is performed iu an oyster-cellar, or 
at a liquor-bar, as I believe many eminent critics of American insti- 
tutions fancy. 

We now come to the House of Commons, or Representatives. A 
member must be 25, so our " reckless" neighbours are more careful 
than we are, and don't choose lads just from school to vote on national 
laws. A Representative must have been a citizen for seven years. 
This House is elected by the people, every second year. The number 
of votes given to each State is ascertained by a deccnuial census. Look 
out decennial in Webster. There are 233 members in all. How will 
you remember 233 \ Think of your own age, 23, and add 3, for your 
two brothers and pretty sister. Nothing like Mnemonics for a dull 
boy. Look out Mnemonics in Webster. 

1 won't overburden you with facts. The President must have every 
bill submitted to him, before it can be, law. If he like he can Veto it, 
that is, forbid it. But after that, if two-thirds of both Houses still 
insist on the bill, it becomes law in spite of him. Mr. Johnson uses 
his prerogative, and the Houses use theirs. Until his time, Presidents 
did little in this way. 

Only one word more. The President is chosen by an Electoral 
College— do not confuse yourself with ideas of Magdalen or Trinity — 
and this college is chosen by the vote of the people, each State having 
as many Collegians as it has of Senators and Representatives. He 
must be 35, a native-born American. He commands the Army and 
Navy. And he is chosen for four years. 

There, my dear Algernon, digest that, and take your time about it. 
I don't believe that one Englishman in fifty knows all that 1 have told 
you, and yet hear us over the Chateau Margaux, and how promptly we 
settle all American questions. If you wish it, one of these days, I 
will tell you a little more. To sweeten the letter, I enclose you a 
cheque, as I heard you sav you must have that horse. Don't ride over 
my friend the Prince of Wales. Em . ymn . affectionate Uncle, 

Paul Popper. 



A TRUTH IN TWO LANGUAGES. 

The Paris Correspondent of the Post quotes the following passage 
from " one of the despotic decrees of the season," promulgated by a 
Madame G : — 

" Tuilette de Bal. — Les dents sont bord^es d'une etoffo trancbant par Ra couleur 
avec !'£tuffe de la robe. Le cursage tres bas. execs-ivement has, e«t surm inte" d'une 
ornement en soie blanche, garni de tulle et de perles.' Dame, il faut bien garnir 
un peu." 

We should think so. " IjC corsage tri-s las, excessicement has," would 
never do without at least a little trimming. It is a peculiarity of dress 
which is not only " Ires das, excessicement has" as the French say, but 
likewise, and moreover, very low, excessively low — as we say in English. 



Two Old Men's Tails.— Old Fogeyism and Old Bogeyism. Let 
us cut them off. 

Why are Porters in great houses like Poultry? Because they are 
Do(o)rkings. 




NATURAL SURMISE. 

Florinda (in audible whisper). "Mamma! Mamma! Look at the pitty Valentine that Lady's dot upon her Head!' 



The January sunlight 

Was struggling laint and low 
With the upward-creeping shadows 

That quenched its fitful glow, 
When the Lion from the portal 

Of the Percies gazing down, 
Was ware of something stirring 

At that end of the town. 

Long, long has he been pointing, 

From off his airy stand, 
His nose towards St. James's, 

His tail along the Strand ; 
Long foreigners and natives 

Have questioned, but to fail, 
The meaning of that muzzle, 

And the moral of that tail. 

Was that tail stiff with anger, 

Was that muzzle curl'd in scorn 
Of the usage London's finest site 

At John Bull's hands has borne ? 
Of our Havelock and our Napiek 

In soot and copper drest? 
Of our brace of mounted Georges 

One rampant, one at rest ? 

Or, of Wilkins' range of punch-bowls 

With pepper pots en suite ? 
Or, of our mast-headed Nelson, 

Or the fountains at his feet ? 
Or at the combination 

Of these abortions, planned 
To stamp John Bull the biggest muff 

That e'er took Art in hand ? 



BETWEEN THE LIONS. 

Or is that tail averted 

From the Art that is, to say 
The road to Art that should be, 

Lies just the other way ? 
Or points it towards Temple Bar, 

As if John Bull it prayed, 
To give Art up altogether, 

And go city-wards to trade ? 

But of that Lion's action 

Be the riddle what it may, 
He ne'er looked more astonished 

Than when, the other day, 
He saw four mighty monsters, 

Swathed all in canvass shrouds, 
Round Nelson's column planted, 

And girt with gaping crowds. 

Amazement grew to anger, 

When, all four placed, at last, 
Manners and Marochetti 

Bade shrouds aside be cast : 
And through the London fog-damps, 

A stone's-throw from his paw, 
Round the base of Nelson's column 

Four Lions couched he saw ! 

'Tis said, and I believe it, 

That at the startling sight,] 
His tail, unwagged for ages, 

Wagged, thrice, from i left to riglit : 
That from o'er the Percy's portal, 

Out of those jaws of stone, 
Came, audible to mortal, 

A sound 'twixt growl and groan ! 



And, gradual, o'er the rumble 

Of traffic far below, 
Was shaped to utterance leonine 

That sound, sublime and slow, 
Through roll of cab and omnibus, 

Deep-chested as Big Ben, 
Once roared the Percy Lion, 

Roared once, and roared again. 

" Who are ye, huge impostors ? 

You the British Lions — fie ! 
If there 's a British Lion, 

At Charing Cross, 'tis I ? ! 
Your very number 's fatal 

To the claim which you would roar, 
The British Lion 's singular : 

He 's one, and you are four ! 

" Are these the ' little strangers ' 

We 've waited for so long ? 
Announced when first the man and boy 

Were themes of jest and song ? 
The man has grown a dotard, 

The boy a man, and grey ; 
But still empty staid those bases, 

And so, I hoped, would stay. 

" And better still left empty, 

Than tenanted by yon ; 
Sir Edwin had been wiser 

To stick the canvass to. 
You are big, and you are brazen, 

That much must granted be : 
But if a British Lion 

Is wanted, look at me ! 



February 9, 1807.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



5 5 



FASHIONS FOR 1867. 

" HABITS ARE STILL WORN SHORT" WHICH IS JUST AS WELL THE DAY AFTER A THAW ! 




AN IMAGINAKY QUEEN'S SPEECH. 
tuesday, february 5, 1867. 

My Lords and Gentlemen, 

I Call you together again, more curious, perhaps, than usual, 
to know what I intend to say, particularly on one " well-considered " 
subject. 

I am on friendly terms with all my foreign brothers and sisters, some 
of whom have lost their crowns and thrones since last we met, an event 
chiefly of importance to themselves, the Editor of the Almanach de 
Gotha, and gentlemen in the diplomatic service apprehensive of an 
insufficient supply of foreign embassies. Should this fatal disease 
spread amongst Sovereigns, I have no fear that it will ever reach these 
shores. 

Certain claims that " Our American Cousin" believes he has against 
us I am confident will be promptly and satisfactorily settled by 
one of the most distinguished members of my Government, to whom 
it is only necessary to say, " On, Stanley, on ! " 

You will, doubtlessly, desire a few days' extra vacation to enable you 
to be present at the opening of the Paris Universal Exhibition. I will 
speak to the Earl of Derby on the subject the next time he dines at 
the Castle. Sanguine spirits are anticipating the happiest results from 
this coming Congress of Art and Industry, and expect that it will ter- 
minate in a Grand Transformation Scene, with Peace and Progress 
triumphant in the centre, and all the woes of War vanishing away in 
the background. The same splendid visions have been indulged in 
before, but they all ended in cannon-smoke. I shall indeed rejoice, if 
the decay of the manufacture of gunpowder and explosive weapons is 
the result of the Exhibition. 

I am confident that no Member of either House would ever think of 
smuggling anything, except perhaps, occasionally, a Bill through 
Parliament, but the great portmanteau grievance demands a searching 
investigation. I have, therefore, arranged with his Imperial Majesty 
the Emperor of the French that a joint Commission shall sit on 
the band-boxes of two great nations. 

The Confederation of the North American Provinces will, I trust, be 

' VOL. LIT. f 



shortly accomplished. As United States I believe they will be strong 
and powerful, and never forget the old mother. 

I rejoiced to read of the disappearance of the Cattle Plague, and of 
the liberality shown by you, Marquis of Conyngham, and others, in 
making a handsome deduction from the rents of your bucolic tenantry. 

Gentlemen of the House of Commons, 

I have directed the Estimates for the ensuing year to be laid 
before you, and I shall feel better satisfied if they are discussed by 
rather more than forty Members. 

They have been prepared, &c. (the usual prescription). 

Although we are at peace with all the world, you will find a percep- 
tible increase in the votes to be taken for the Naval and Military 
Establishments. So long as Governments engage in competitive trials 
of instruments of warfare, so long must Peoples pay the snot. 

It may be your fate to experience " Short Commons." 

If you could approach my presence with rather less Disorder, it 
would be more seemly. 

My Lords and Gentlemen, 

Apprehensions were felt lest the Fenian plague should again 
break out in Ireland, but — I say this under the rose — with Lord 
Strathnairn in Dublin I had no alarm for that portion of my domi- 
nions. The deluded followers of an individual known as The Head 
Centre must now feel that they were (Stephens') Green. Scotland 
gives me no trouble, but then I am so often there, and we know 
that frequent appearances of the Sovereign tend to raise the tempe- 
rature of a nation's loyalty. 1 have, therefore, determined to reside 
a part of every year in Ireland, or when unable to visit that country in 
person, to request the Prince of Wales to act as my Vicereine. 

I have not been much in my Capital of late years, but I understand 
that the condition of its streets and Parks is not satisfactory, being ill 
kept, ill lighted, and ill watched. You will, I am sure, devise some 
measure by which the Metropolis may he placed on a level at least with 
second-rate Provincial towns. 

I congratulate you and Sir Edwin LANDSEERon the addition to the 
Lions of London in Trafalgar Square. It will not be necessary to put any 
more cross questions about Sir Edwin's studies. The National 



54 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 9, 1867. 



Gallery and Royal Academy may also be struck off the list of Agenda, 
but the British Museum is still a vexed and vexing question 

A number of measures will be introduced for your consideration, it 
premature dissolution does not carry you off— to the hustings. Some 
of these you will find portable and accordingly carry, but many I fore- 
see will have to be dropped. Bills are in preparation for the disfran- 
chisement of certain Boroughs in which at the last General Election 
the circulation of money was too rapid ; but until you adopt the admi- 
rable suggestion of a venerable law Lord, who I hope will again be 
amongst you in the Spring, and punish with imprisonment both the 
briber and the bribed, you will never overcome this vice of the Money 
Orders of Electoral Society. Cropped hair, a regular but spare diet, 
and stimulating exercise on the treadmill would do more to abolish 
Bribery than years of Committees and Commissions. 

You are aware that Lord Derby is the author of a new Law List. 

I am almost tired of introducing the question of Bankruptcy, but if 
you can make commercial failures less disastrous to the Creditor, you 
will not have wasted the Session. . 

My Constitutional advisers— my State doctors— are in difficulties 
about Reform. If they bring in too broad a Bill they will offend and 
alienate the narrow party ; if they bring in too narrow a Bdl, hostilities 
will be immediately declared by the broad party ; and if they bring in 
no Bill at all, their chance of drawing another quarter s salary appears 
to be homceopathically small. After having been frozen out such a 
length of time, and then getting employment rather unexpectedly they 
are naturally unwilling to be turned into the streets again so soon; 
after fielding so long, they would be glad to have something like an 
innings Time and Hansard will show how they escape from their 
dilemma. I will only add, that until the line is cleared of this obstruc- 
tion, the Parliamentary train cannot proceed. m 

I will now enumerate a few of the necessaries of legislation which 
either in this or a future Session it will be your imperative duty to 
provide for a hungry nation -.—Some system of general education, 
which shall save me the pain of knowing that there are children and 
adults in this rich and powerful country who are ignorant whether it 
is a man or a woman that reigns over them ; the re-organisation of the 
Army by which the service may be made more fair, more popular, and 
a surer defence in days of darkness and danger ; the increased efficiency 



of the Navy, and the substitution both at the Admiralty and the Horse 
Guards of a control less cumbrous, less wasteful, and less disastrous 
than that of Boards and Double-headed authority; the restoration of 
the Mercantile Marine, and the prevention of lawless disregard of life 
through the neglect of easy precautions against disease ; the improve- 
ment of the condition of my poorer subjects, especially the old and the 
sick in parish and union workhouses, so that at least they may have 
the same consideration shown them as imprisoned criminals ; the adop- 
tion of stringent measures against delusive, extravagaut, and fraudulent 
public companies, lest the reputation of this country for commercial 
integrity should become an imposture and a sham; the summary 
punishment of dishonest tradesmen who cheat the poor with false weights 
and measures, and poison them with adulterated food ; the prevention 
of fatal accidents, whether to individuals in the neglected streets of 
the wealthiest city in the world, or to bodies of workmen massacred in 
mines and other dangerous scenes of labour ; the more speedy admi- 
nistration of the law both in London and the provinces ; the settlement 
of disputes between masters and workmen, and the avoidance of irri- 
tating and exhausting strikes ; the better municipal government of the 
Metropolis ; the correction of the anomaly of rich benefices where the 
flocks are numbered by hundreds, and pauper livings where the popu- 
ation grows by thousands ; the further reform of sentimental Cathedral 
establishments ; the diminution of drunkenness aud destruction of 
infant life; the arrest of anarchy, confusion, and treachery in the 
Established Church; the adjustment (in Ireland) of the differences 
between Landlord and Tenant ; and the abolition of other grievances 
in the country— such is a sample of the measures, which if you are wise, 
you will speedily frame and carry, and so raise a secure embankment 
against the dangers and difficulties of the future. 

When these your tasks are completed, you may then again interfere 
in the affairs of your foreign neighbours, advise the Pope, when he 
loses his temporal tiara, and watch over the interests of the German 
Bund. 

I now dismiss you to much waste of time, to many useless speeches, 
to a languid interest in an obscure country like India, to a keen relish 
for exciting personalities, to a liberal employment of the munitions 
of party warfare, but on the whole influenced by a sincere desire to do 
the best for your country — and yourselves. 



POOR CHILDREN'S DINNER-PARTIES. 

he other day, while saying a 
good word for the good work 
of M. Victor Hugo, in giv- 
ing some poor Guernsey chil- 
dren a good dinner once a 
week, Mr. Punch, expressed a 
hope that the example might 
be followed here in England, 
where there are many weakly 
little ones to whom a weekly 
dinner would certainly do 
good. Mr. Punch has since 
been very pleased to hear that 
at two places, at least, some 
of the little ones of London 
dine once a week in comfort, 
and can eat good bread and 
meat. Both in Marylebone 
and Brompton poor children's 
dinner-parties are given every 
week, and some seven or 
eight hundred little hungry 
mouths are filled with whole- 
some, healthy, satisfying, 
good, substantial food. 

Many ladies, young ones 
specially, conceive that, as a 
rule, a dinner-party is a most 
unmitigated bore ; but they would find these children's parties an 
exception to the rule. Any lady, if she pleases, may obtain an 
invitation to them, simply by the means of becoming a subscriber of 
two-and-forty pence. For this prodigious sum ten dinner-cards are 
sent her, and ten children may dine in comfort as her guests. At 
number one (take care of Number One), Little Barlow Street, in 
Marylebone, each Wednesday and Saturday, and at No. 66, Walton 
Street, in Brompton, each Tuesday and Friday, grace is said precisely 
as the clock strikes twelve, and then some hundreds of small hungry 
diners instantly fall-to. Any lady who is present is pressed into their 
service, and may learn, as saith the poet, " to labour and to wait." 
She may help to carve the beef, or ladle out the gravy, or serve out 
the potatoes, or cut up for the little ones who chance to be not big 
enough to wield a knife and fork. 

There are many exhibitions worth seeing now in London, but there 
are none more pleasant than these children's dinner-parties, and none 




that are more worth the trouble of a visit. Handel's Alexander's 
Feast contains some charming music, but it has no more pleasant music 
than the chatter of the little tongues and clatter of the dishes at these 
little children's feasts. Then, how good it is to see the hundreds of 
small eyes that stare in wonder and delight at the gigantic roasted 
joints, and the hundreds of small noses that sniff the fragrant gravy, 
and the hundreds of small lips that are licked in expectation of the 
savoury repast ! 

So walk up, Gentlemen and Ladies, and see what you can see. Only 
think, ten dinners for two-and-forty pence ! Why, there are diners 
now iu London who freely give three guineas for one single feast !_ If 
they denied themselves but one good dinner iu the year, they might 
give nearly two hundred good dinners to poor children, to whom a 
good meal once a week is a real gift of charity, and a help towards good 
health. 



A MODEST DEMAND. 



Good servants are now-a-days becoming rather scarce, at least, if we 
may judge by announcements like the following : — 

G.ROOM WANTED. — A Gentleman, living in the country, is in want 
of a g room to look after one or t»vo horses, make himself generally useful, and 
do what he is told. Any one wanting a situation where the work is put out need 
not apply. 

Is it usual for grooms not to do what they are told, and to have their 
work put out for them ? We should run the risk of being quite "put 
out " ourselves, if our groom were to inform us that he required his 
work to be so. Perhaps we soon may hear of servants who will kindly 
condescend to accept a situation, provided that their masters engage to 
do their work for them. 



Ode (and "paid) to Miss Terry. 

(by an enthusiastic irishman.) 

Air — " Kate Kearney." 

Och ! did ye niver hear of Kate Tbrry ? 
If not, sure you 're ignorant, very. 

She has that iu her eye 

As '11 make a boy cry, 
But her smile. Och — can make us all merry ! 



SURGICAL. 

We English practise vivisection. We are very fond of cutting up 
our friends aud acquaintances. 



February 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAtflVARI. 



59 



" I flourish my tail ' proper ; ' 

On my four legs I stand : 
I 'm in t he British Lion's 

True habitat, the Strand. 
The head in air I carry, 

The frame and flanks I show, 
May not be realistic, 

But High Art has made me so. 

"ButyoM, what shall I call you?— 

Four in one, or one in four ? 
Mere real Lions, cast in bronze — 

Like life, but nothing more ! 
You look over-fed and sleepy, 

On your bellies prone you lie, 
With your useless arms before you — 

Disposed for fighting shy. 

" Great works ! Yes, you are woppers : 

Great, if size be grandeur's crown ; 
Of worth, if into coppers 

You could be melted down. 
But you 're not the British Lion 

For Nelson to look o'er, 
E'en e/the British Lion 

Could be multiplied by four." 

Unmoved those couchant Lions 

Lay, while the roaring storm 
From above the Percy's portal 

Swept o'er each giant form. 
Never a muzzle lifted, 

Stirred arm, or lightened eye, 
As with note like a great organ's, 

Their deep bass rolled reply. 



" Chafe not, mysterious quadruped, 

That Lion claim'st to be, 
But art not of such Lions 

As 'tis given men's eyes to see. 
Wag not the tail in anger 

That was never meant to wag, 
Shut up the jaws, that opened, 

Can but make way for brag. 

" We may look calm and quiet, 

Beneath our folded brows, 
From heavy-lidded orbits. 

That seem to droop and drowse. 
Our giant arms before us 

Outstretched at level length — 
But know, if ours be slumber, 

'Tis the slumber, friend, of strength. 

" You may be the British Lion, 

As he was in times of yore, 
When his claws were all for rending, 

His tongue for lapping gore : 
When, where'er the jackals opened, 

He took his eager way, 
A fang for every carcass, 

A part in every prey. 

" Of that departed monster 

Grant yours the image true : 
The reality is vanished, 

The type should vanish too. 
We are the likeness, breathing 

With the life that genius gives, 
Of the genuine British Lion, 

The Lion as he lives. 



" Calm and sedate, and peaceful, 

Nay slumb'rous, till the call 
Of danger or of duty 

Bids the veil of slumber fall. 
Let the foe come near my dwelling, 

Or assail my brood — no more — 
Then ask if I am sleeping, 

And for answer take my roar. 

" If there be might in movement, 

There 's might too in repose : 
And strength is ten-fold terrible 

That waits just cause for blows. 
Emblem of such repose and strength 

Here, four in one, I lie. 
To east and west, to north and south, 

Fixing a watchful eye ! 

" Not roaring for slight reason, 

Not stirred by false alarms : 
• Not blunt, if sheathed, the talons 

That point these sinewy arms, 
As the true Lion mighty, 

But magnanimous in might, 
The BritisTi Lion fights to live, 

.Lives to do more than fight. 

" But if the occasion cometh, 

As come, perchance, it may, 
To quicken tusk and talon, 

And crush the foe to clay, 
Then learn if my old terrors 

Are dead, that here you see 
Ajsmoothened crest, an armed rest, 

A slumberous majesty ! " 



MIRTH FOR MARINE STORE-DEALERS. 

Mr. Punch, 

Allow me, Sir, to call youi attention to a capital joke con- 
summated the other day in the Court of Queen's Bench. The following 
extract from a law report epitomises this excellent bit of fun : — 

" The Queen v. Whitely. — This was a case of some importance to marine store- 
dealers iu purchasing stolen property, the decision of the Court upsetting the course 
pursued by the Metropolitan Magistrates for the last eighteen or twenty years." 

You are familiar, Mr. Punch, with the merry laugh of the British 
Public which the Clown in a pantomime creates by lying along a door- 
step in the way of people coming out, and upsetting them. But this trick, 
surely, is nothing like so laughable as the decision by which three 
grave and learned Judges— the Lord Chief Justice, and Justices 
Mellor and Lush— concurred to upset the course pursued for the 
last eighteen or twenty years by the Metropolitan Magistrates. 

This, however, is not all the fun of the case reported under the fore- 
going title. That case in itself was funny enough. It was an appeal 
From Quarter Sessions on the part of a marine store-dealer against a 
conviction by Mr. D'Eyncourt, whereby the defendant had been sen- 
tenced to two months' imprisonment with hard labour for having been in 
possession of a quantity of lead "reasonably suspected of having been 
stolen." The defence before the Magistrate, forming the ground of the 
successful appeal to the Queen's Bench, was " that as the lead had been 
clearly stolen, the defendant was not liable on a charge of unlawful posses- 
sion of property supposed to have been stolen, and that if the defendant 
had committed any offence, it was receiving goods knowing them to 
have been stolen, for which he should have been committed and tried 
by a jury." This plea was held good by the Judges, for the reason that 
the defendant had been convicted under a section of a certain statute 
relative to possessors of stolen goods, which " did not apply to marine 
store-dealers in actual possession, but to the possession of the persons 
conveying the article." The joke resulting from this distinction was 
fully appreciated by the Lord Chief Justice, who remarked that 
" marine store-dealers would enjoy complete immunity if that were the 
case." Nevertheless his Lordship and his learned brethren found 
themselves, on consideration, obliged to conclude that it was the case. 
So the conviction was quashed ; and there is every reason to suppose 
that the defendant went home dancing and snapping his fingers. 

All this is fine fun, Mr. Punch ; but you will see yet more in this 
case when you come to think of it. Observe, Sir, that it now turns 
out that, for some twenty years past at least, but I should think many 
more, for the statute above referred to is the 2nd and 3rd Victoria, the 
Metropolitan Magistrates have been pursuing, in regard to marine store- 
dealers, a course of illegal convictions. You would perhaps deem that 
a rather melancholy joke but for the safe presumption that the marine 
store-dealers got much less severely punished than they deserved to be. 
The best of this joke is, that those marine store-dealers have no remedy 



against the Magistrates who committed them. But neither would they 
if the Magistrates had committed them undeservedly as well as un- 
lawfully. Magistrates do not pay for making mistakes. What an 
advantage they have in this respect over medical practitioners and 
others who are liable to be sued and cast in heavy damages for blunders 
committed through not knowing their business ! This reflection amuses 

Your humble servant, Asmodeus. 

P.S. " It was a great pity the law did not meet such cases as the 
present, but it was to be hoped that the law in this respect would soon 
be altered." Let us hope that parliamentary attention to this remark 
by your friend Cockburn will not turn the joy of the marine store- 
dealers into mourning. 



ANTI-BRUIN LEGISLATION. 

Questions of some interest are suggested by the following piece of 
news from the United States :— 

" Bears in the State of Maine— Returns received at the office of the Secretary 
of State show that during last year, there were 265 bears killed in the State of 
Maine." 

By what means are bears slaughtered in the State of Maine ? Is 
bear-hunting one of the methods adopted for their destruction ? If so, 
is it usual in the sport of hunting the bear to give the bear any law, 
and in that case what law P Do the bear-hunters of Maine give the 
bear the Maine law ? 

ORDERS OF THE SAME ORDER. 

On his legs, at the late Meeting of the West Herts Agricultural 
Society, the Earl of Clarendon, in defence of the practice ot awarding 
prizes to labourers, said : — 

" The Victoria Cross is given as the reward for daring acts of valour. Admirals, 
generals, successful diplomatists, adventurers— those noble men who have made 
geographical discoveries, wbo have laid down the Atlantic cable, receive the deco- 
ration of the Order of the Bath. It would be absurd to measure these distinctions 
by their mere money value. The same remark applies to the labourer." 

Such, in fact, says Lord Clarendon, as the Order of the Bath is, 
such is the Order of the Breeches. 



An Arithmetical Demonstration. 

The length of the Reform Procession which is to start from Tra- 
falgar Square on Monday next may be calculated beforehand to a 
nicety, for is not a " League" exactly three miles P 



" Unequal Rating."— A Big Wife scolding a Little Husband. 



CO 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 9, 1867. 




SLIPPERY! 

Stableman {out of worlc). "Hollo, Sam! Where are you Going?" 
Cabby (who can hardly keep his Horse on his legs). " Wo— o ! Why right over the Cab, 
and Oct o' my Mind ! " 

DISTURBANCE IN ST. JAMES'S HALL. 

At the close of Miss Glyn's reading of Othello the other evening, and while the crowded 
audience were testifying by unanimous plaudit their sense of the admirable and intellectual feat 
which that lady had performed, in presenting, single-handed, the grand tragedy, with all its 
marvellous lights and shades, an individual rushed forward to the platform, and exclaimed, 
" Miss Glyn, M'm ! " 

The lady received this brief address with a beaming and good-natured smile, which, however, 
slightly hinted an idea that she beheld a mild form of lunacy. 
You mustn't, Sir," said a policeman. 
" But I must, minion," returned the individual, so fiercely that the intelligent officer collapsed. 
~K' m ! " niirsiip.rl the sneaker. 

And the Hall rose with a mighty 



He was not a tall man. He was bald at 
the top of his head, and he bawled at the 
top of his voice. He had a long nose. But, 
exquisitely dressed, and exquisitely polite 
amid his excitement, there was something in 
that splendid eye, something in that superior 
manner, which bespoke the true aristocrat. 
He sprang up upon the crimson velvet. 

"What right have vou to stand there. 
Sir ? " said the faithful policeman, making 
one more effort to do his duty. 

The eye, an orb of lustre, turned full upon 
him, and a voice of thunder replied, 

'"Ask you by what right? 
By that great right the vast and towering Mind 
Has o'er the grovelling instinct of the vulg.tr.' " 

"I'm sure I beg your pardon, Sir," said 
the policeman. "From information I re- 
ceived I didn't know that." 

" You are pardoned. Miss Glyn, M'm ? " 

" What is it, Mr. Punch?" said the lady, 
gently. She had recognised the Great 
Creature. 

" If you please, Miss Glyn, could you do 
me a favour ? " 

" Anything to oblige Mr. Punch" was the 
gracious reply. 

"Please to engage yourself at Drury 
Lane, M'm, and come out in some of them 
plays," gasped Mr. Punch, superior to 
grammar as to etiquette. 

"My dear Mr. Punch," said the great 
actress, , 
" ' Thou marshallest me the way that I was going." 

And with another benignant smile,' Miss 
Glyn retired from the scene of her triumph. 

"Hooray all of you ! " shouted Mr. Punch. 
"Hooray!" 

He was then removed, respectfully, amid 
the frenzied cheers of the Hall, and placed 
in his carriage. 

" It 's true, too," he shouted from his 
window, as his foaming steeds dashed off. 

And he apologises for his behaviour, while 
congratulating the public on the good news 
he extorted from their favourite. ' 



" I say, Miss Glyn, M'm ! " pursued the speaker. 

" cried a thousand voices. " Who 's that ? " 



1 Halloo ! 
sensation. 1 ? 



GENTLE JOHN'S COMPLAINT. 

Dear, how calumny pursues me ! 

W r hat can be the reason why 
Thus mine enemies abuse me, 

Who am no man's enemy ? 
I to mild expostulation 

Ever did my speech confine ; 
Ne'er did fierce vituperation 

Issue from these lips of mine. 

Miserable, hateful faction ! 

Miserable Tory crew ! 
Me with virulent detraction, 

Unrelenting, ye pursue. 
No offence to you I 've given. 

This alone your wrath excites ; 
I have ever gently striven, 

Pleading for the people 's rights. 

Ah, ye miserable speakers ! 

Ah, ye miserable scribes ! 
Wretched place and payment seekers, 

Vilifying me for bribes ; 
In your infamy to wallow, 

Hogs, I leave you, and, above 
All such brutes, the rule shall follow, 

Still to speak the truth in love. 



ITo a Nautical Correspondent. 

""The Captain of the Poll" is not the 
officer in command of a vessel of that name. 
Por further information apply at the Senate 
House, Cambridge. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— February 9, 1867. 




THE LIONS AT LAST! 



THANK YOU, SIR EDWIN. ENGLAND AT LAST HAS 'DONE HER DUTY.'" 



February 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



Gl 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{Quit Bovor. Night in Town. Sea-side Interval) 

Still raining. 

Happy Thought. — I 've stopped here, but the rain hasn't. I shall say 
this as Sheridan's, or Dean Swift's. 

The butcher orders a fly from Beckenhurst, and the fly fetches me 
from Bovor. Old Mrs. Childers regrets my departure, but says, to 
cheer me, that she dares say they '11 all be driven home by the moat rising. 

Happy Thought.— 1 shall be driven home by the fly. 

Happy Thought.— Say this. They laughed. 

Happy Thought. — Send it to Punch. Say so. Englefield suggests, 
" Why not write for Punch ? " Stenton, the philosopher, says, " Yes, 
write for Punch regularly, and they '11 send it you regularly." (Stupid 
joke, after mine.) Poss Pelmyr shakes hands warmly and apologises 
for the rain. 

Mrs. Poss says good-bye, and I feel that I almost sneak out of the 
drawing-room. I wish I could say something by which they 'd remem- 
ber me. The ladies (I see them from outside) have composed them- 
selves before the fire, and are intent on their books. I came into this 
place like a lion, I leave it like r a lamb. Artistically speaking, a con- 
versationalist ought to come in like a lamb and go out like a lion. 
When Childers and the others have carried my luggage to the gate, 
I beg they won't trouble themselves. They say it doesn't matter, as it 
doesn't now. 

In the Fly. — I look out of window. They have all disappeared, as if 
they were tired of me : no waving of hands, no cheers. In old feudal 
days there 'd have been some hearty stirrup-cup ceremonies. Dreary : 
windows of fly up. See nothing : cold, raw, damp. Christmas time 
coming on fast. I should like to send Pridoline Symperson a present, 
just to hint the state of my affections. What can I send ? Christmas 
time only suggests turkeys and sausages. Get out my MSS. and make 
notes. * * * By the time I have found my MSS., which had been 
scrunched up by the maid in among the boots, I find we are at 
Beckenhurst. Ticket to town : station-master smiling, asks me if I 
ever did anything about that telegram ? I recollect now 1 'd threatened 
to write to the Times. I reply, " Ah, they '11 hear about it yet," as if 
my vengeance had only been dozing. 

London. — Ought at this season of the year to take some Christmas 
present down to old Byng. Besides, it 's his birthday. He '11 be just 
as glad to see me without it. (/shouldn't, on my birthday.) There's 
not going to be any party of ladies or he wouldn't have asked me ; but 
we shall spend a quiet Christmas-time together, with cosy chats over the 
past : yes, we 're very old friends. However, I '11 just walk through the 
streets and have a look at the shops. The difficulty is, I can't tell what 
Byng would like. 

The Haymarkct. — A pony runs away, traces broken. Crossing- 
sweeper knocked down. 

Happy Thought.— Step into a shop. 

Shopman says, " Spirited little animal that, Sir." I return carelessly, 
" Yes, nice little fellow ; might easily have been stopped, if they 'd had 
any sense." I am quitting the shop with a sense of having perfectly 
requited the shopkeeper for the temporary refuge by giving him my 
opinion on the subject, when I feel a tremendous slap on the back, and 
a voice, which I do not at once recognise, says, " Hallo, old boy ! 
practical joke, eh ? " It is Milburd. 

He is buying the hottest pickles he can find (it is an Italian ware- 
house we are in) to take down to Byng as a birthday present. We are 
both going to the same place. Together? Together: he will call for me. 

Happj/ Thought. — Thii diminishes cab-fare. I won't have any change, 
that shall be my practical joke on him. 

\ A Night in Town.— Milburd and I go to the theatre. Milburd has 
got a voice like a Centaur. (I think I mean Stentor. N.B. Who was 
Stentor ? look him out.) People are annoyed. He begins by taking 
seats, which turn out not to belong to him, and then the people come 
in and there 's a row in the dress circle. 

Happy Thought.— Step quickly into the lobby. Milburd coming 
out angrily says, " he 'd have knocked that fellow's head off for two 
pins." I try to pacify him. I say, " What 's the use of getting into 
a row ? It never does any good." I feel it wouldn't as far as I 'm 
concerned. Milbubd insists that the pair of us would have licked the 
lot, and wants to catch them coming out. I say " No ! " decidedly, to 
this. I 'd rather not catch them coming out. He goes' on to observe 
that " he should like to punch his head." I agree with him there : 
I should like to. 

Happy Thought {for the twentieth time). — Learn boxing. 

Happy Thought.— Go to Evans's. 

Milburd takes me there. I've often heard of this place, yet 
never been there till now. Much pleased. Excellent glee-singing. 
Milburd, who evidently does know London very well, introduces me 
to an elderly kindly gentleman, whom he calls Mr. Green, and whis- 
pers to me, " You know Green, don't you? " I don't. The kindly 
gentleman, who is I fancy looking for some seat where he has left his 
hat, for he is walking about without it, shakes hands impressively with 
Milburd, " and hopes that all are well round his (Milburd's) fire-side." 



This hearty old English greeting Milburd meets, I think, somewhat 
irreverently by replying, " Thanks, yes. All well round the fireside. 
Poker a little bent with age, tongs as active as ever, shovel rather 
lazy." Whereat Mr. Green smiles, pats him on the arm, and takes 
snuff deprecating such levity. Milburd says, " Oh, I must have 
heard of Green." 

Happy Thought. — Green, of course, aeronaut. 

Happy Thought. — Ask him all about balloons. 

I engage him in conversation. Has he been up in a balloon lately ? 
He smiles, takes snuff, and nods his head as if he knew all about it, 
but couldn't answer just now. I ask him, " if he 's not afraid of going 
up so high ? " His reply to this is, " that I will have my joke." He 
leaves us. Milburd explains that he is the revered proprietor, aud 
tells me a long story concerning the ancient fame of this great supping 
place. 

We sup most comfortably at the cafe end ; as Milburd inartistically 
puts it, " quite undisturbed by the singing." He, however, knows it 
all by heart ; I do not. Ladies, he informs me, view the scene from 
the gallery, veiled and behind gratings, as in St. Peter's. 

Saturday. Don't feel well. Milburd proposes that we shan't go to 
Byng's till Monday. 

Happy Thought.— Run down to Brighton : freshen us up for the week. 
Milburd says, " Yes, by all means ; where shall we stay ? " Anywhere. 

Happy Thought.— The Grand Hotel. 

Very well : cold day in train. Draughts in carriages : shivering. 
Colder as we approach Brighton. Milburd, who is a red-faced 
hearty chap, says, rubbing his hands, " This will freshen you up, my 
boy— this will make your hair curl." If there is any one thing more 
than another that sets me against a place it is to be told that " It will 
set me up," or " It '11 make my hair curl." I point out that it 's 
beginning to rain. Milbord replies, " Oh, no— sea mist," as if sea 
mist was healthy : why can't he own it is rain ? I express myself to 
the effect that it is raw, to which Milburd returns, being in boisterous 
animal spirits, "Cook it." I wish I hadn't come with him, he is so 
unsympathetic. He can't understand what it is for anyone to have 
a pain across their shoulders and a headache. I've explained my 
symptoms to him several times. I assure him that he is quite wrong in 
saying that I eat too much, and am getting too fat. 

Terminus : damp fly, rattling windows. Brighton looks windy, 
foggy, damp, drizzly, wretched. Grand Hotel : very grand. An official, 
in a uniform something between the dress of a railway guard and a 
musician in a superior itinerant German band, receives us. He is the 
Head Porter. We are shown into the lofty and spacious hall. We see 
dinners going on in the Coffee-room. Even Milburd is awed. I have 
a sort of notion that a gorgeous man in livery will presently request us 
to walk up and His Grand Royal Highness will receive us. 

Happy Thought— -Hotel for giants. In corridors seven-leagued boots 
put out to be brushed. 

In the vast galleried hall, Milburd, luggage, and self, guarded by a 
boy in buttons. Solitary individuals come down-stairs, look at us 
suspiciously, and go out. Waiters pass and re-pass us, all suspiciously. 
Opposite sits an elegant lady in a box, or bar. 

Happy Thought. — Ask her for rooms. 

She has been waiting for this, and is prepared for us. She gives us 
tickets, numbered, as if we were going to a show. Seems to me sug- 
gestive of waxworks. 

Milburd says, " We will go up by the lift." A gloomy porter with 
an embarrassed manner shows us into the lift. It is a dismal place, 
and after Milburd has tried a joke, which is as much a failure as a 
squib on a wet pavement, not even making the lift-porter smile, we 
subside into gloominess. 

Happy Thought.— Diving-bells : Polytechnic : also, old ascending- 
room, Colisseum. 

(Note. During the three days I am at the Hotel, I have either seen 
the lift-porter starting from the ground-floor when 1 have been going 
out, or arriving at one of the upper stories, after I have walked up the 
stairs ; I 've never caught him descending, nor got him when I wanted 

We emerge from the lift, on to the third gallery— helpless. Milburd 
knows all about it, and finds the chambermaid. Rooms ccunfortable— 
very, but with two mysterious draughts which make me sneeze. 
Milburd orders dinner in the Coffee-room. 

Happy Thought {during the fish course) .—Harvey discovered the cir- 
culation of the sauce. 

After dinner, into the smoking-room. " Why should a smokiug- 
room, now-a-days, be rendered purposely uncomfortable? Why should 
it be the only apartment where easy chairs, divans, cheerful paper, are 
unknown? Why in a most luxurious hotel, should there be a smoking- 
room which is cheerless by day, and dingy by night ? " Milburd asks 
me these questions pettishly, and describes the sort of room he would 
have. Warm and cheery, small tables, lamps, not gas, chess-boards, 
bookcases well filled, newspapers; writing tables, with supply ot 
writing materials laid on ; good fires in winter throughout the day, aud 
let the room have a good view from its windows. 

Pouring with rain— and ~we came here for a change ! 



62 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 9, 1867. 



THE PAST MONTH. 




Mr. Punch begs to Acquaint the 
British Public that January, 1867, 
came in with its teeth chattering, 
and on the 2nd covered itself up 
in the Thickest Mantle of Snow that 
had been seen, felt, or snowballed 
for many a tear. 




Thib curious Object was Discovered 

vainlt Endeavouring to make its 

wat up Flebt Street, and on the 

Following Morning, 




Having Lost 



its Road to 




This "Specimen" was Caught with 

Eabe, and Preserved until the Thaw 

of the 7th. 




Meanwhile the Parish Authorities, 

in Trouble about the Snow, and 

afraid of Impeding Navigation if 

they Cast it into the Thames, 




Sent for our own Bumble, who at 
once Determined on Making it into 
one immense Snowball, and Throwing 

it over "the Edge." 

Mr. Garth's Abuse, added to the 

Severity of the Weather, affbcted 

John Brioht's Temper. 




Punch's last Design for the New 

National Gallery was Found in his 

own Back Garden. 




The cheap Brandy and bad Cigars of 

France Danced with Joy at the 

Prospect of Free Smuggling during 

the oomino Exhibition Season. 




And he was Seen, in the Character 

of A Democratic Lion, viciously 

Shaking the Barrister's Wig. 



The 8th brings "Atlantic " Telegrams. 





"Partnerships of Industry" are ad- 
vocated by Tom Hughes, and Adul- 
teration Decried. 




But what are our Fraudulent 

Tradesmen to do, if they are 

Licensed, like Cabmen? 




Sir Rooer Tichbourne arrived from 
Australia, after many Years Ab- 
sence, ANT> WAS AT ONCE RECOGNISED 

as " The Rightful Heir." 



But this "Perspective" op Luggage, 

belonging to a gentleman who did 

not sign the requisition, must allay 

our fears. 





The Wbdding-Rino Suogestbd as the 
only Means by which our Rector 
can "Recoup" himself, sinoe it was 
Decided that the Clkroy have no 
Right to Marriage Fees. 




Mr. Beales not quite Satisfied at the 
Attitude of the Working Man. 



Shall Mr. Gladstone Lead? Mr. 

Goldwin Smith suggested a Modern 

"Brummagem'' Representative of 

Oliver Cromwell. 



President Johnson is to be Extin- 
guished UNLE9H 




At Edinburgh, Ernest Jones and 

Dr. Blackie blew Bubbles for and 

aoainht Democracy, and 




The Emperor " Crowned the Edifice.' 




Much Talk about " Fashionable Un- 
dress," BUT THINK OF THE UNFASHION- 
ABLE Dress of our Merchant Service. 




But when Mr. Punch returned from 

Utah with a Glowino Account of 

Mormon ism, how did Mrs. P. look at 

Him? 




The Month went out with The Lions. 

Suggestion for a Landseer (vice Nelson) 

Column in Trafalgar Square. 




Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 34, Hollord Square, In the Parish of 8t. James, Clerkenwell. in the County ol Middlesex, at the Printing Office* of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans.* Co..1V>mbajo 
Street, In the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— Satordai , February 0, 18(17. 



February 16, 1867. J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




BOMINABLE, truly, was the weather, 

When in the House of Peers we met together, 
Queen, Lords, and Commons ruled within, no doubt, 
But Rain, and Mud, and Fog were kings without. 

Punctual as pendulum, our gracious Queen 
Entered at fitting moment on the scene, 
Saluted The Estates, assumed the throne, 
And sat as moveless as the sculptor's stone, 
While Chelmsford's pleasant voice bade all and each 
Mark every sentence of the Royal Speech. 

" At peace with every Foreign Power, we prayj 
That a long peace may follow Europe's fray. 
Napoleon nor myself was listened to 
When gentling Spain, and Chili and Peru. 
The Cretans have rebelled and gone to blows 
But I, nor France, nor Russia, interpose. 
Over the Porte's Danubian domains, 
With its consent, Charles Hohenzollern reigns. 
Our Scotia nova and our Brunswick new 
Would join with Canada ; which they shall do. 
With Indian famine we have striven our best, 
And a fine harvest comes to do the rest. 
The Fenians vaunted, but their hopes are o'er, 
To Erin habeas corpus we restore. 
The cholera is all but gone. 'Tis wise 
Upon the cattle still to keep your eyes. 
Pure water is our need. Let those who know 
Inform us how we best may bid it flow. 

The Estimates are framed with careful heed 
To prudent thrift, but yet to what we need. 
Moderate requirements will not shock your nerves': 
We 'd mend the Army, and we 'd found Reserves. 

Again the topic which the public names , 
Par excellence, Reform, attention claims, 
I trust deliberations, carried on 
With Moderation (one for you, Lord John) 
And mutual Forbearance, soon may lead 
To measures which shall find you all agreed, — 
The present balance not unduly shift, 
But freely shall extend the franchise gift. 

Workmen and masters quarrel — we behold 
Suffering, and loss ; and outrage, I am told. 
Let a Commission learn the truth for you 
As to trades' unions, and employers', too. 

Children engaged in sundry trades have lacked 
The kind protection of the Factories Act, 
Give it, and be its benefits enjoyed 
In workshops, too, where women are employed. 

For Jack, the Merchant-Sailor, please to do 
Something like what you've done for Jack in blue, 
And knock off certain shipping charges, pray, 
The Emperor of the French has led the way. 

Insolvent Railways look to you for cure, 
So do the London sick and other poor, 



VOL. LII. 



64 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 16, 1867. 



And Bankruptcy you '11 find a pregnant theme, 
And help the Courts of Law to put on steam. 

The Irish Landlord, and his Tenant foe 
"We '11 reconcile by all the arts we know, 
Framing a useful law which shall requite 
Improvement, yet protect the owner's right. 

Your toils to these and other measures given 
Will benefit my people— under Heaven." 

The Queen arose, and having kissed her sons, 
Departed 'mid the thunder of the guns. 

18G7, February 5. Tuesday. To-day began the Session which, accord- 
ing to the opinion of most folk of the political sort, is to be one of 
storms and tempests. Mr. Punch, around whose head eternal sunshine , 
settles, watches the proceedings with the calmness of an Olympian, ! 
having beside him a wreath for any well-deserving champion, and a 
thunder-bolt for him who shall fight unfairly, or skulk from the 



In the Lords, Earl Beauchamp, in the Windsor uniform (and ugly 
it is), moved the Address. This Earl is new in his title; he was 
Frederick Lygon last year, and M. for West Worcestershire. He 
spoke very well. So did the "seconder, Lord Delamere, formerly of 
the Life Guards. Both attacked the Trades' Unions, and hoped that 
preponderating power was not going to be placed in the hands of the 
poorest and most ignorant. Mr. Punch begs leave to give both noble 
Lords his guarantee that it shall not be. 

Earl Russell then delivered himself of a long cavil. Ministers are 
too sanguine about the peace of Europe. He should hear with painful 
surprise that Lord Derby had compromised the honour of England 
in regard to America. Then he went into a history of Reform, and 
declared that the last Bill had not had fair play, whereon he murmured 
with much elaboration. He objected to Lord Derby's assumption of 
the Pharisee in the Temple, and being thankful that he was not like 
the publican,— meaning that the other Earl took credit for behaving 
better, on Reform, than the Whigs. As Lord Derb? had never 
opened his mouth at all, unless to yawn at Lord Russell's numerous 
little details, the rebuke was, to say the least, early. Lord Russell 
said that nobody in Parliament had any idea of granting Manhood 
Suffrage, but he courteously warned Lord Derby against Tricks and 
Shuffling to cheat the people, and added a few other gracious taunts, 
the animus whereof is so beautifully illustrated in Mr. Punch's Cartoon, 
this week, that no more need be said here. The aged nurse of Reform 
is simply furious at the idea of the taking away her Baby. 

The Premier said that on the following Monday, Mr. Disraeli 
would expound the intentions of Government as to Reform, and added 
that there was little hope of settling the question, if it were to be dis- 
cussed in the temper and speech of Earl Russell, who had abused 
his antagonists for everything they had done for the last fifteen years. 
He urged that the subject should be examined hi a fair and deliberate 
manner, and that party feelings should be cast aside, — a course much 
more proper than probable. Needless to say, that Lord Derby set 
the example of forbearance by pitching into the Crude and Hasty propo- 
sitions of last year. He should certainly not compromise the honour 
of England, but was willing to go to arbitration with America, for 
nothing could be worse than a suicidal war between two powers who 
could do so much to serve each other. 

The Earls having spoken, the Address was voted. 

In the Commons, Mr. Gladstone was cheered, as was Mr. Bright, 
by their respective admirers. Heaps of notices, mostly not worth 
notice, were given. 

Mr. De Grey, son of Lord Walsingham, and M. for West 
Norfolk, moved the Address, ^and Mr. Graves (who, though M. for 
Liverpool, cannot be properly or respectfully called a Dickey Sam, 
because his names are Samuel Robert) seconded it. Mr. Graves 
is an author.and wrote a Yachting Cruise in the Baltic, and Mr. Punch 
always smiles on the writing sort. Moreover, he is an Irishman. Of 
the four echo-speeches, his was the best. 

Mr. Gladstone was very courteous, but spoke as if both Net and 
Trident were on the bench behind him, and ready for use at the 
shortest notice. He begged that nobody would think of moving an 
amendment. He complimented Lord Stanley, and promised him 
liberal treatment. He would have liked to know more about 
Crete, and that the Sultan was not in fault. He did not like the 
word Cheerfulness in reference to our Army expenditure, but engaged 
to give the subject fair consideration. There was exaggeration as to 
trade differences — exports and imports had hugely increased — but 
he had no objection to inquiry, only everybody had a right to 
make the best terms for himself, so long as he did not prejudice the 
rights of others. Why had nothing been said about Bribery? It 
demanded stern and severe punishments— real examples. The Speech 
was Enigmatic about Reform, but Government had a right to reserve 
explanations. There were, however, Three Questions as to reforming. 
Who r What? When? To which he would answer: — The Govern- 
ment, if they could. A measure that should satisfy just expectations. 
At once. And in an eminently grave and civil, but as eminently 



menacing a way, Mr. Gladstone embodied these replies in his state- 
ment of what he understood the Speech to mean, leaving, of course, 
the warning inference to be drawn by the Ministers. 

Mr. Disraeli was pleased at the affability of his antagonist, but had 
no doubt that many occasions would arise when compensation would 
be afforded for present self-restraint. He slightly touched the objec- 
tions that had been made, and promised Reform explanations on the 
next Monday. He also promised that Government should set the 
Members au example of perfect devotion of time and labour to public 
work. 

The great Gladiators .having thus saluted, the Address was voted. 

Wednesday. Nothing, except the enrolment of Mr. Kavanagh, M.P., 
County Wexford. Mr. Punch leaves it to the followers of Mr. Beales 
and Mr. Potter to make coarse brutal references to the personal 
afflictions of gentlemen, but Mr. Kavanagh's case is so exceptional, 
and it may be added, so fortunate, that no apology is due for adverting 
to the most singular incident of Parliamentary history. Mr. Kavanagh 
has neither arms nor legs. He appears to be a proof that though such 
things may be conveniences or ornaments, they are by no means neces- 
saries. He is understood to be not only a most able and accomplished 
gentleman, he rides as dashingly as Mr. Newdegate, shoots as fatally 
as the above named Mr. De Grey, and fishes as luckily as Mr Bright. 
To-day he came into the House in a wheeled chair of clever con- 
struction, ' signed his name with rapidity, and took his place with 
perfect self-possession. Mr. Punch is heartily glad that Mr. 
Kavanagh has too much brains to withhold their services from 
the nation. 

An Anti-Church-rate maunder, emitted by Mr. Hadfield at the 
wrong time, simply drew on that amiable schismatic a snub from the 
Speaker. 

Thursday. Lord Ernest Bruce and Mr. Crawford made bitter 
complaint of the rudeness of the police to them on the day of the 
opening of Parliament. Most policemen are awfully stupid, but if 
Members have an idea that they have, in virtue of membership, a 
natural Nimbus, or some other sign distinguishing them from other 
mortals, it is time that superstition should be corrected. How is a 
Peeler to know a Peelite, or any other M ? On such occasions Members 
should wear court dress, like gentlemen, or give their coachmen hat- 
bands with M.P. on them. 

Sir Stafford Northcote introduced the first of the Government 
measures— one for helping Railway Companies in difficulty. It is a 
debilitated sort of Bill, and seems to offer little 'more than inspection 
and suggestion from the Board of Trade. It was rather compas- 
sionately treated by Mr. Watkin and Mr. Milner Glbson, and 
sternly condemned by Sir Roundell Palmer. " There is not in 
thee half-an-hour's life." 

Sir Colman O'Loghlen proposes to do away with all Anti- 
Popish restrictions in Irish office-holding. Mr. Newdegate opposed, 
and denounced Catholic propagandism, and apropos of a proper gander, 
Mr. Whalley charged Fenianism and ths New Zealand war on the 
Papists. Read the papers, if you doubt ; but Mr. Punch never wil- 
lingly misrepresents even a Whalley. 

Friday. Dux Somerset expressed his perfect satisfaction with his 
own conduct as First Lord of the Admiralty. Earl Derby gave the 
Duke rather a good character from his last place, and said that he had 
been active and industrious, but did not say civil. 

In answer to Lord Dudley, the Premier said that the Manhood 
Suffrage Demonstration, menaced for the following Monday, was very 
ill-advised but not illegal. It might produce illegal acts, in which case 
its promoters would be responsible. Then, speaking as Prince 
Rupert himself might have done, the Earl added that he could not 
suppose that the Commons of England would be intimidated by such 
a display ; he only hoped that it would not induce them to refuse to 
consider Reform at all. 

Mr. Hardy introduced the Sick Poor Bill. London, generally, is 
to support the pauper lunatics, very young children, and sick — Local 
Acts to be repealed— the Poor Law Board to be supreme— new hospitals 
and asylums to be erected. It is ah affair of £400,000 only, and the 
proposal was favourably received. 

Mr. Walpole introduced his Bill for facilitating an inquiry into 
Trades' Unions, and the Sheffield outrages. Objections were raised to 
the bracketing the two subjects. Mr. Punch sees no harm in the 
inquiry, but begs to wink his most elaborated wink, and to ask whether 
we should have heard of the Commission, had not Mr. Bright and 
others stimulated the Unions to political action. Echo answers in the 
negative. 



riddle, (by simple symon.) 

Why was an idiot Roman B.C. 100 like a renowned violinist ? 
Because he was a Pagan ninny. 



Frightful Prospect. — It is dreadful to hear of a child, only one 
month old, taking to the bottle ! 



February 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



65 



LEGAL EFFECTS. 

The Theatrical Hairdressers' art might find 
some work to do at the bar. The Advo- 
cate who is urging his client's claims in 
a weak case could add considerable force 
to his arguments by having the front part 
of his wig worked by a string, which 
could be attached to a waistcoat button, 
and be easily moved. Tor instance, "Gen- 
tlemen, my client's mouth is sealed, or 
you would hear from him his version of the 
case." ( Work the string, and wig-front fulls 
over the forehead. Ex. 1.) 

Horror would be very simple. (Ex. 2.) 

A two-stringed effect might be pro- 
duced in a Judge's wig, when after passing 
sentence, the reckless felon has thrown a 
boot at his Lordship's head. (Ex. 3.) 
But with this novelty a strict rule should be passed that no junior 
should work Ms wig while his leader was speaking ; but it might be 






Ex.3. Judge. 
Ex. 2. A Queen's Counsel Horrified. 

considered fair, as legal tactics go, for" the Defendant's Counsel to 
work his wig in any way he chose during the address of Plaintiff's 
Counsel, and both sides should, moreover, 
be at perfect liberty to work their wigs, 
as much as ever they liked, during the 
Judge's summing up. 

Again, Counsel wishes to throw doubt 
upon some witness's evidence. 

" Oh, you called him in. (Turns incre- 
dulously to jury) He called him in!" 
(Pulls string of surprise wig. Ex. 4.) 

When a case is " laughed out of 
Court " the same principle could be ap- 
plied to Chief Baron's wig. (Ex. 5.) 

Of course the first to introduce this 
new Practice of the Courts, would have 
the right of playing upon such phrases 
as " Touching a Chord," " Moving tails," 
" Free-hold from the Crown," and so 
forth ; but, after the first term of use, such legal quibbles should be 
reckoned among the privileges of Q.C. only. 




Ex, 4. 




Ex. 5. 



We have some other legal reforms in hand, which will be pub- 
lished in due course. 



Dental.— If you submit to artificial teeth/you must make up your 
mind ever after to speak in a falsetto. 



: ANOTHER PLACE." 



THE LOST CHILD. 

(RUSSELL'S LAMENT. After HOOD.) 

Did you see mj child— my last, that is— my own dear little Bill 
—Not that he's the last by many as I 'opes to be parient to still— 
It was only last Feb'wary, bless his 'eart, lie was playiu' about the 'Ouse, 
Which I trusted him out with young Gladstone, as I thought would 

have 'ad the nous 
To keep him clear o' mischief, and his little things neat and clean, 
And send him up to our 'Ouse and his parient, til, to be seen ; 
But he let the blessed babe git a playin' with that Joiin Bright, 
Which I don't think him fit company for a well-brought-up child, not 

quite. 

But young Gladstone he says, Bright ain't so black as he 's painted, 

not by 'alf, 
Though he ave a tongue and a temper and a deal o' cheek and chaff, 
And that he 's our own flesh and blood, wich let 's hope that he may i 

be it, 
But I 've a respectable fam'ly to my back, and I don't see it. 
Anyways he said as 'ow Bright would purtect my Bill from the rude 

little boys, 
And keep him out o' mischief and larks and nonsense and noise, 
And now all along o' that wery Bright and young Gladstone he 's 

gone and got lost, 
As clean as the poor Brussels sprouts that was nipped off clean by 

last frost ; 
And I 'm worrited to that degree as I 'm pretty near druv' wild, 
Now I 've lost my last out o' four, and only one growed up to a child ! 

That 's my fust, born in '32, as might make any parient proud, 
A blessin' to me, and a beauty, as used to be gin'rally allowed, 
Though they do say 'ard things on him, now, do some of your Bealeses 

and Potters— 
Which " proof o' the puddin' " and " ansom is," etceterer, ain't that 

sort 's motters — 
Well I missed, and washed, and did for him, since he was a blessed 

babby, 
(And didn't we keep his christenings and birthdays at Woburn Abbey !) 
They say I 'm as proud as a hen with one chick, but a parient will be 

a parient, 
And I 've good call to be proud o' my Bill, my fust and my air- 

apparient. 

I've 'ad three since him as never growed up, being born, as you may 

say, still, 
And the fourth he 's the one that's gone and got lost, my latest little 

Bill. 
I did 'ope I 'd have reared him through rash and croup and teething, 
For I never see a likelier child than he is — leastways was — breathing. 
And now he 's gone and got lost, they say, but I know better nor that, 
It's them nasty kidnappers has got him, which it's their old game 

they 're at. 
They 've stole no end of babies from our side of the court, 
And dressed 'em up to go beggin', arter cut tin' their good clothes short. 
There 's Catholic 'Mancipation and Corn-Laws, as they sarved so, 
And my little Bill's the last, and what parients, I 'd like to know, 
Wouldn't make a row and a rumpus, and give 'em a piece of their mind ? 
Which it 's the only peace on it as 1 am likely to find, 
Now they 've stole my little Billy, and it 's on'y too well I knows, 
They 're a goin' a beggin' with him, arter changin' his dear little 

clothes ! 



I DO think, my dear Mr. Punch, though being a Lady of course 
my opinion don't carry much weight, that the language used in our 
Imperial Parliament, more particularly among-the Peers, is ambiguous 
and unbecoming. 1 am frequently shocked when reading my Herald 
to find well-bred people, who, when speaking in presence of the Epis- 
copal Bench, ought certainly to show a prudent reserve, continually 
making allusions to " another place." 

Of course I know that allowances must be made for young aristo- 
cratic scions, flushed with zeal surpassing knowledge, but they should 
be instructed to drop the veil as decorum demands ; and under no 
provocation make any reference to matters transpiring in " another 
place." Even Ministers (and prime ones, too) utterly regardless of 
what is expected from their high calling, have contracted this bad 
habit. And I deeply regret to say, in this resp ect, if in no other, there- 
is not a pin to choose between Tories and Whigs. Whether they are 
"Ins" or "Outs," all their thoughts seem to be running upon 
"another place." No doubt, Mr. Punch, in another place Reform is 
very much wanted, and, applied to speaking, it would render my Lords 
and Gentlemen if not a little more intelligible, at all events a little less 
satirically severe. You may print this if you please. 

Yours sincerelv, Pamela Parley. 



G6 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 16, 1867. 



WANTED-A TORNADO. 

Once upon a time (in 1739) a fierce war arose between England and 
Spain, apropos of illegal liberties taken with English shipping by the 
Spaniards. Bat nothing so ronsed the belligerent rage of John Boll 
on that occasion as 
the liberties taken 
with a certain Scotch 
ship-captain's ear, 
which a high-handed 
guarda costa Don bad 
torn off, and which 
the ship-captain — his 
name was Jenkins — 
exhibited in cotton 
wool, at the bar of 
the House of Com- 
mons. 

If the sufferings of 
the fifty-seven En- 
glishmen, officers and 
crew of the Tornado, 
who since the 27th 
of August have been 
subjected to insult, 
imprisonment (in 
irons some of them, 
part of the time), 
Spanish rations, Spa- 
nish fleas, Spanish 
flies, Spanish filth, 
and Spanish priva- 
tion of every kind, 
could be packed and 
paraded in as por- 
table a form as that 
honest ship-captain's 
ear, the display ought 
to rouse a storm 
worthy of the ship's 
name — a tornado, 
apropos of the Tor- 
nado, which should 
bring the insolent 
and impotent Dons 
— not to their senses, 
they have none, but 
— to their marrow- 
bones, and compel 
restitution of the 
ship and swingeing 
damages to the crew. 

Lord Stanley's 
steam takes a long 
time to get up, but 
if slow to heat let 
us hope that he is 
as slow to cool down 
when once his fire 
of righteous indig- 
nation is lighted, and 
that he will keep up 
such a stoking and a 
poking in this out- 
rageous affair, as 
will bring the Spanish 
Government to their 
bearings, and compel 
ample apology, resti- 
tution, and repa- 
ration. 

Here has been an 
English ship, sailing 
on her lawful busi- 
ness on the high 
seas, illegally seized 

— illegally condemned — in defiance even of Spanish law — her crew 
illegally made prisoners of war, and kept in cruel and close confine • 
ment for more than five months, and all without a shadow of evidence 
to justify such outrage, beyond the suspicion of a Spanish Consul or 
Vice-Consul at Leith, that the ship had been sold into the Chilian 
service — this suspicion being rebutted by her papers, by the sworn 
and certified facts of her ownership, by the evidence of her crew and 
their articles, in short by every legal proof that could be brought to 



bear in rebuttal of the suspicion ! And, John Bull has been quiet 
for all this time : the British Lion has not roared, in other words, 
Mr. Punch has not uplifted his voice. 

Perhaps he had other things to roar about : perhaps he has been 
roaring into Lord Stanley's ear instead of the world's : perhaps he 
didn't think it much use roaring till Parliament met. At any rate he 

roars now, and calls 
on John Bull to 
roar with him. He 
has received an 
appeal from ' the 
imprisoned crew, 
through their wives 
and families at home, 
for protection and 
redress, and willingly 
bends his benign ear 
to their most just 
demand. 

Case of the Tor- 
nado ! Let it be a 
case of Tornado in 
real earnest, until 
these ruffianly and 
reckless Spaniards 
make the amende 
honorable by dis- 
charging the men, 
with proper damages 
for their detention 
and ill-treatment, 
and restoring the 
ship — or at least 
admitting legal evi- 
dence of her true 
nationality, destina- 
tion, and business, 
which will be tanta- 
mount to her re- 
storation. 

If the Government 
of Queen Isabella 
can ride rough-shod 
over the lives and 
liberties of Spanish 
subjects, it must be 
taught that it cannot 
trample at will on 
those of Englishmen. 
Let Lord Stanley 
— let Parliament — 
let the new British 
Lions in Trafalgar 
Square, all look to 
it — and keep the 
Tornado up about 
Spanish ears till the 
Tornado is out of 
Spanish waters, and 
till her crew are free 
and indemnified for 
their outrageous 
wrong. 




NEW AND BECOMING STYLE OF HEAD-DRESS, 

INVENTED BY AUNT ISABEL, AND MUCH APPRECIATED IN THE NURSERY. 



POSSIBILITIES OF 
THE FUTURE. 

Earl Bright has 
been entertaining 
the Archbishop of 
Canterbury and a 
distinguished circle 
at Bochdale Castle. 
The noble Earl con- 
tinues to enjoy ex- 
cellent health. 
Mr. John Stuart Mill has been appointed Usher of the Black Rod. 
M*. Beales was yesterday sworn in as a special constable. 
Professor Goldwin Smith has been invested with the office of 
Gold Stick. _ 

Yesterday evening the Society for the Conversion ot the Jews held 
its annual meeting at Exeter Hall. The chair was occupied by Mr. 
Thomas Carlyle. 
The Pope has renounced the errors of Popery. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— February 16, 1867. 




POLITICAL KIDNAPPING. 

Mrs. Russell. * HI ! HELP ! P'LE— EEE— ECE ! SHE *S 'A TAKIN' AWAY ME CHE-ILD ! " 



Febkuary 16, 1867.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



69 




"IF IT'S MURDER, MENTION IT." 

Above was the exquisitely 
gentle appeal made by Mr. 
Keeley, in Mr. Oxen- 
ford's capital piece, to 
Mrs. Keeley, who, he 
thought had some trifle on 
her mind. Mr. Punch has 
had the delicious speech ; 
brought to his mind by 
the proceedings in the case | 
of Mr. Eyre and his sub- , 
ordinates. The prosecution 
has commenced, and there- 
fore the subscribers to the 
Defence Fund had better 
pay in their money, and 
remind their friends to do 
the same, for Exeter Hall, 
disdainful of London Street 
brats, plucks out its purse 
briskly when Quashibun- 
go's name is the Open 
Sesame. But Mr. Punch, 
who had previously seen 
nothing to praise in the 
conduct of the prosecutors, 
bears his tribute to the preternatural courtesy displayed by their counsel, 
Mr. Eitz-james Stephen, who is a gentleman as well as an able 
advocate. Nothing could be more chivalrous than his recognition 
of the, position of the accused— nothing more considerate than .his 
arrangements for sparing them personal annoyance. The crime of 
having saved Jamaica is there in all its blackness — or should we say 
whiteness, as more suggestive of guilt to the Jamaica Committee ? 
But, though that fatal wickedness canuot be denied, and is to be 
punished if possible by the hanging of Mr. Eyre, all is to be done 
with refinement. He is to be carved (as Cesar was to be murdered) 
as a dish fit for the Gods, not hewn as a carcase for the hounds. 
We can imagine that some of the Committee, whose names one sorrow- 
fully sees in a list with those of Beales (M. A.), P- A. Taylor, 
Dr. Sandwith, Jacob Bright, James White, Chamerovzow, and 
other Forcible Feebles, would be prompt to instruct counsel (not 
that Mr. STEPHENiwould need such prompting) so to behave, but 
how will this gentlemanly behaviour please the sort to whom low 
and sensational appeals have been made, and who were so excited 
at wild tales of eight miles of dead blacks that they burned Mr. 
Eyre in effigy ? We expect shortly to hear of protests against such 
politeness. We, however, are glad to see it, as it shows that certain 
really good men, who have made a mistake, intend to have nothing 
worse than that mistake to look back upon, and feel that when the 
prosecution ends in Mr. Eyre's receiving a testimonial, in compen- 
sation for the un-English treatment he has undergone, it will be 
pleasant not to have deserved harsher words from him than a gentle- 
man bestows upon an antagonist who has blundered. 



THROUGH THE DIRT TO THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. 

The other night, Mr. Crawford made a very pathetic complaint of 
the depth of dirt Members had to wade through to get to the House 
on the 5th. The police stopped their carriages, and Honourable 
Members actually had to walk ! They had their toes trodden on, and 
reached their seats covered with mud ! 

As to having their toes trodden on, Honourable Members should 
make up their minds to, that. It is the duty of a representative man 
to submit to have his toes trodden on, and not to mind it, or at least 
to look as if he didn't mind it. What is party warfare but a perpetual 
treading by one side of the House on the toes of the other ? What is 
Mr. Bright's favourite walk, if not bucolic and aristocratic toes, 
Mr. Whalley's but toes Romanist and Jesuitic, with a special pre- 
ference for Sir George Bowyer's, or Mr. Roebuck's, but the toes of 
everybody in general, or Mr. Lowe's, but the toes of Mr. Bright, 
Mr. Beales, and the Working-Man ? 

As for the mud Honourable Members had to wade through, one 
might feel more sympathy with Mr. Crawford's complaint, were it 
not that many Honourable Members have already gone through so 
much deeper and dirtier mud on their way to the House of Commons 
than any Westminster or Lambeth can furnish. Only think of the 
depths of dirt waded through by the heroic representatives of such 
boroughs as Totness, or Lancaster, Reigate, or Yarmouth ! After the 
dirty ways they have floundered through, it is surely like straining at 
gnats and swallowing camels, to make a fuss about three inches of 
honest mud in Bridge Street or Whitehall. 

Besides, last Tuesday's dirt was confined to the feet, and could be 
brushed off the garments. How much worse is the mud that sticks to 
the hands, and leaves a stain on the inner man ! And yet how many 
Honourable Members go through oceans of such mud, and never say 
anything about it ! To discover what they have had to submit to, one 
must wade through the reports of the Election Commissioners. Re- 
membering their revelations, Mr. Punch can't feel very much for Mr. 
Crawford, though he has been escorted by a policeman, has had his 
toes trodden upon, and, after all, reached the House in a state in which 
he thinks it would have been hardly decent to present himself. 
Notions of decency differ. Mr. Crawford overrates the susceptibili- 
ties of the House on the subject of the dirt gone through on the road 
to it. On that score it is ready to make every allowance— in fact, most 
people think it is not by any means as particular as it might be in 
insisting that its Members shall take clean roads to their seats, and 
hold up hands with no dirt on them within the walls of St. Stephen. 



GIVING THEM PEPPER. 



FASHIONS FOR FOXHUNTRESSES. 

Mr. Punch, 

Your talented artist was perfectly right in the statement that 
' Habits are still worn short," which he so ably illustrated. Of course 
habits must still be worn short, for look here, Sir. I invite your 
attention to one among a lot of fashionable advertisements : — 

JANUS CORD. — Ladies who at this Season of the year choose to wear 
Black Dresses will find Janus Cord, at about two guineas the dress, one of the 
most economical and best fabrics manufactured for a lady's dress. 

The shortness of riding habits is of course implied in the wearing of 
janus cords. Are janus cords usually combined with tops ? Perhaps 
Napoleons would match them better, as they are black and not white 
cords. You will have observed that the janus cords are priced at two 
guineas the dress. Obviously " dress " is an euphemism for " pair." 

Ever yours, Tally Ho. 



We have read in the organs of the Licensed Victuallers, we trust 
with befitting indignation, the following account of a hideous outrage : — 

" Scandalous Conduct- at the Licensed Victuallers' Ball. — During the time 
that the last Licensed Victuallers' Ball was taking place at St. James's'Hall, some 
miscreant threw on the floor of the bill-room some stuff — supposed to be a mixture 
of pepper with some other ingredient — which had the effect of setting the persons 
assembled sneezing and coughing, so much so that some of them were unable to 
remain in the room. It having been represented to the officials what had occurred, 
a reward of £20 was offered to any one who could discover the offender, but, un- 
fortunately, without success," 

Now, as there must have been members of the Gentler Class present, 
this act was simply blackguardly. But if the ball had been such a one 
as Mr. Spurgeon used to recommend, one at which men danced with 
one another, we might perhaps have smiled at Somebody's Vengeance. 
For, turning to Dr. Hassall's book on adulterations, page 507, we 
find that among the practices of the Licensed Victuallers is the 
"improvement" of porter with "bitters and carminatives of various 
kinds, as gentian, quassia, camomile, ginger, coriander, and carraway 
seeds, capsicum, and grains of paradise, liquorice, alum, sulphuric acid, 
salts of tartar, cocculus indicus, and tobacco." Perhaps the " mis- 
creant" who gave the Licensed Victuallers pepper, had been suffering 
from the effect of some of these pleasant infusions, and resolved on a 
mild revenge. Still, as females were present, he was a cad not to 
postpone his retaliation, and we wish that he had been detected. 



Lucus a Non Lucendo. 

In framing our scheme, let 's enlist the whole House, 
So Reform's Bill won't be Revolution's ; 

And as Waxpole has no resolution to move, 
Let's get Walpole to move resolutions. 



Mrs. Partington says, getting out of, and getting into bed during 
the late cold weather was Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained. 



EXTRANEOUS CONTENTS. 



In the speech made the other day by Mr. Bernal Osborne to his 
constituents at Nottingham, there occurs, as reported by the Post, the 
following sentence : — 

"It had been said that Ireland contained a starving population, a n absentee 
aristocracy, and the worst executive in the world. " 

The original author of this statement was not named by Mr. 
Osborne. He may be conjectured to have been either a Mac or an 
O'Something or Somebody, according to the line : — 

" Per Mac et vcros possis dignoscere Hibcrnos." 

At any rate, nobody but a true Irishman could have said that Ireland 
" contained an absentee aristocracy." 



70 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 16, 1867. 




INTELLIGENT PET. 

Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 
is over ? Is it to Wake us up ? " 



Church ' 



IGNATIUS TO HIS OWL. 

Bird of the cloister and the church, 
Who, with my shoulder for thy perch. 
My vigils lone art wont to share, 
Men say we make a pretty pair. 
Some smile at us — and others scowl ; 
My Owl ! 

Oft have I seen, at close of day, 
A chant intoning on my way, 
One of thy race, on silent wing 
Float by — and sometimes heard it sing, 
My Bird, beloved beyond all fowl ; 
My Owl ! 

In darksome hole thou lov'st to dwell, 
As would that I could in a cell. 
Ah, there how happy I should be 
To muse and meditate with thee, 
Rejoicing in a frock and cowl, 
My Owl 

Against thee was the charge preferred 
That thou wast an uncleanly bird ? 
So they 'd abuse a Saint, whose shirt 
Of hair they deemed the worse for dirt — 
No wonder that they called thee foul, 
My Owl! 

And cried they fie on thee, because 
It was thy hap to break a vase, 
Wherein, when day succeeded night, 
Thou didst take refuge from the light ? 
My Pet, no matter. Let them howl ; 
My Owl ! 

thou, of all the feathered quire, 
Whose melody I most admire, 
Come, in a miserere blend 
Thy voice with mine, and we'll transcend 
The cats that on the housetop prowl ; 
My Owl ! 



Electoral Reform's four Rocks) a-head. — .Nob, 
Snob, Mob, and Nimble Bob. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{Seaside Interval.) 

Happy Thought. — Sunday afternoon : walk on the parade. Wonder 
how the pleasure-boatmen get a living in the winter. Apparently by 
talking together in groups, with their hands in their pockets, and 
smoking pipes without any tobacco. 

Everyone looks very bright and blooming, and everyone is making 
the most of the dry weather, as if they were trying to get the best of a 
time-bargain with the fresh sea-air. What a nuisance wind is — what a 
nuisance a hat is. 

Happy T/iought. — My wideawake. 

Milburd won't walk with me " while I 've got that thing on," he says. 
I won't give in, so we pass one another, idiotically, on the parade. 
Think I see the Mackenzies coming — pretty girls : wish I'd got on 
my hat. They bow and look astonished : walk up the Parade. See 
Mr. and Mrs. Breemer ; they recognise me. Walk down, see the 
Mackenzies for the second time. Don't know whether to bow again, 
or not : they smile. I smile : I wonder what we mean ? Hope they '11 
go off the Parade this time. Walk up — see the Breemers coming. 
How very awkward this is : can't bow again — will look another way. 
I do, until I come quite up to them, and then, turning suddenly, am 
flustered. Mr. Breemer nods, and I nod, but don't know whether 
to take off my hat this time to Mrs. Breemer ; 1 wish these things 
were settled by law. We pass on. Walk down -. the Mackenzies again. 

Happy Thought. — Turn before they come up. 

I do so, won't they think it rude ? Can't help it, it 's done ; and 
here are the Breemers. I nodded last time, what shall I do this ? 
Wink jocosely ? no sense in that, they '11 set me down for a buffoon. 

Happy Thought. — Sit down with my face to the sea. 

Wonder whether the Breemers have gone — and the Mackenzies. 
Look cautiously round. Enjoyment is out of the question with the 
Breemers and Mackenzies perpetually meeting one. I feel as if 
they were saying every time they see me, " Here 's Thingummy again, 
don't take any notice of him," and if you once think yourself shunned 
you can't enjoy anything. I feel that I'm spoiling the Breemers' 



and Mackenzies' day at Brighton, and they must feel that they are 
interfering with my enjoyment. 

Happy Thought. — The Pariah at Brighton. 

Rain settles the question — back to hotel. What shall I do ? What 
can I do?* * * Rain.* * * 

Happy Thought.— Write, letters. Think to whom I haven't written 
for ages : great opportunity. Write to some relations whom I haven't 
spoken to for years, and ask how they 've been this long time, and why 
they never write. They '11 like the attention. * * * 

By the way, Milburd isn't much of a companion. He comes in and 
says he 's been chatting with the Tetheringtons, and couldn't get 
away. When he 's been away for any time he always excuses himself 
by saying he 'd been " chatting." fie wishes I wouldn't wear that 
old-fashioned wideawake. " The Tetheringtons noticed it," he 
tells me; also, that "everyone was remarking it." I ask him 
quietly, "Who's everyone?" and he answers, " Oh, lots of people." 
1 tell him that I am above that sort of thing, and do not care for 
the world. I ask him "If he told them 1 was a friend of his?" 
He answers that he did, but added, "that I was slightly cracked." 
I am annoyed. I shan't go anywhere with Milburd again. After 
dinner Milburd goes away to "chat" with the Tetheringtons 
again, and I read all the weekly papers through, including the 
advertisements. 

Bed-room. — In the next room on my left to me is a whistling gentle- 
man. In the room above me is a stamping gentleman ; and somewhere 
about, perhaps the next room on my right, is a declaiming gentleman. 
At night the declaiming gentleman has a good turn of it, while the 
stamping gentleman only walks about a quarter of a mile over my head. 
The declaiming gentleman is very impressive for nearly an hour, when 
he subsides all at once and utterly, as if in the middle of a speech he 
had been suddenly knocked on the head, and put into bed speechless. 

The whistling gentleman has the morning to himself. He wakes 
himself with a whistle, he whistles himself (operatically) out of bed. 
He whistles, spasmodically, amid splashings. He whistles a waltz 
while brushing his hair violently : I hear the brushes. He whistles a 
polka in gasps, from which I conclude he is pulling on tight boots. 
He whistles and jingles things together sounding like half-crowns and 



February 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



71 



boot-hooks ; and faintly whistles himself out of his room (March from 
Norma, with variations), and down the passage. 

The stamping man has, during this, stamped himself out of bed. 
Judging from the sounds, he must perforin all the operations of his 
toilet by forced marches. I should say he walks a mile before breakfast. 

The declaiming gentleman is not oratorical in the morning. I think 
he is packing : I hear paper rustling, and, after a time, sounds as of 
dragging heavy weights about the room. His struggles with one 
obstinate portmanteau are awful. He has got it up against the wall 
now, and is kicking it. Pause : he is panting and groaning. A bell : 
the Boots comes : they are both struggling with the portmanteau. All 
is quiet : the door opens. I look out and see the conqueror walking 
down the passage in triumph followed by the Boots with the captive 
portmanteau, bound and strapped, on his shoulder. 

By the way, Milburd returning at about two o'clock in the morn- 
ing, wakes me up to ask me " if 1 'm asleep ? " and to inform me that 
" he 's sorry he's been away so long, but he 's been chatting with the 
Tetiieringtons ? " Humbug. 

Breakfast. — Milburd not back from his bath. Being late, I am the 
only person at breakfast in this enormous coffee-room. Waiters in a 
corner laughing; fancy it is at me. Should like to order them to 
instant execution. A Chief of the waiters enters, and reviews a line 
regiment of cold beef, cold mutton, cold chickens, tongue, ham, and 
cold pork on a side- board. Satisfied with his inspection, he retires. A 
gentleman comes in to breakfast : looks at me as much as to say, 
" Confound it, Sir, what do you mean by being here ? " 

I return his look of contempt and scorn. He sits in full view of the 
sea, and eats his dry toast with a puzzled air as if he was tasting it as 
a sample, occasionally turning quickly towards the window as if expect- 
ing some one to come in by it suddenly. 

Milburd from his bath, with his hair very wet and neatly parted. 
He complains of my breakfasting without him, and turns up his nose 
at my chop and egg. He explains his absence by telling me that he 
was " having a chat with the man at the baths." He's always chatting. 
I shall not come out with Milburd again. 

Off to London, and then down to old Johnny Byng's. 



THE FRANCHISE FOR THE TAILORS! 

Scene. — Breakfast. Edward and Ellen. Edward reading Paper. 

Edward. Well, after this, nobody will ever mention goose to tailors 
any more. 

Ellen. Who ever did, dear ? 

Edward. The lower orders. It is a term they are, or were, in the 
habit of using to insult that class of artists. They must now drop it. 
Listen (reads) " Sensible Men. — The London Operative Tailors' Asso- 
ciation (24,000 strong) have informed the executive of the Reform 
League that they intend to take no part in the proposed Reform 
Demonstration." They repudiate the geese. 

Ellen,. What geese, Edward ? 

Edward. The Reform Demonstrationists. 

Ellen. Oh, Edward ! Do you call them geese to want Reform ? 

Edward. Certainly not ; but on the contrary for trying to get it by 
the means most likely to get it withheld ; by their proposed demon- 
stration. 

Ellen. What is that ? 

Edward. Forming a monster procession, and parading the streets 
to the stoppage of business and promotion of theft. 

Ellen. Well, certainly that does seem goosish, 

Edward. It is peculiarly so. In the first place, geese are eminently 
gregarious. 

Ellen. What is that ? 

Edward. Accustomed to flock together, and do each as the other 
does, for no other reason but that the other does it, and all agreed in 
following a leader who is only a greater goose than the rest. There 
are others besides Trades' Unionists, my love, who answer to that 
description. 

Ellen. Very likely. 

Edward. Now you see, to act like geese is not the way to demon- 
strate their fitness for the franchise. I mean, you know, the right to 
vote for Members of Parliament. It demonstrates nothing but the 
disposition to use coercion. That will provoke opposition. 

Ellen. They must be geese to do that. 

Edward. Yes, and the proposed way of doing it is particularly goose- 
like. It is one of the special habits of geese to march in procession. You 
often see them doing so on a common — that is you would if you were 
to walk, as I wish ; and when you pass them they cackle and hiss at 
you. 

Ellen. How very rude of them ! 

Edward. Well ; the tailors decline to go with the geese. So, it is to 
be hoped, will many other sensible workmen. They will make the real 
Reform Demonstration, by showing their sense. That is an irresistible 
demonstration. Nobody worth ^naming wants to refuse votes to in- 



structed and thinking men. Their votes are their owu. Not so the 
votes of men who go in flocks, and follow their leaders. Their votes 
are at their leaders' command. It won't do for the couutry to be 
governed by those great geese. 

Ellen. What great geese ? 

Edward. Certain demagogues and mob-orators, my love. 1 con- 
gratulate the tailors on having taken their measure. 

Ellen. Edward, dear, what shall we have for dinner ? 

Edward. Say, roast goose. 

(Scene closes.) 



WHAT I THOUGHT ON SEEING THE LIONS. 

I thought of you, Mr. Punch, and of the jokers and jocasters who 
have turned your Office into a den of lions with their voluntary contri- 
butions in prose and (leonine) verse, since the great quartett was 
complete. But I remembered your words of old about a capacious 
waste-paper basket and a roaring coal fire, and felt comforted. 

I thought of all the animated, original, and profound criticisms that 
had been made upon the bronze beasts — by Sir Collingham Lang- 
pord, looking through his club window, by Lady De Chignon, from 
her brougham, with inspecting eye-glass, by the exquisite Holme 
Pierrepont to the impassive Adelaide Haughtimore in the 
quadrille's solemn pause, and by Captain Lyspington to his com- 
panion at the dinner-table, the beautiful Mrs. Cluny Lacy. 

I thought how nice it was of the British Public, grown-ups as well 
as whelps, to lose no time in touching and tapping (with their sticks) 
and poking and sounding (with their umbrellas) the costly, but 
fortunately unchippable creatures ; and I wondered how long it would 
be before John Brown and James Jones, and Sam Robinson 
scratched their deathless names upon the bronze. 
*\I thought of the feelings of the lion on the screen of Northumberland 
House, and was surprised he had not turned tail and fled. 

I thought of certain Members of the House of Commons deprived 
of one of their favourite grievances. 

I thought of the living lions in the Zoological Gardens — how they 
would miss their interviews with Sir Edwin Landseer. 

I thought what an appropriate decoration orange-peel was for the 
lion's majestic port. 

I thought of the satisfaction with which Sir Edwin must have 
sat down to dinner on the evening of Thursday the 31st of January. 

I thought of the time when his handiwork would be like unto 
Havelock and Napier for nigritude. 

I thought of the dreariness of the Square, and the next generation's 
new National Gallery; and then after thinking that these great 
creations of painter and sculptor were the lions of London, I passed 
on to the Strand, and thought who the people possibly could be 
that buy the ten guinea Valentines. 



THE PARLIAMENTARY PROGRAMME. 

If Parliament should sing 
" We 've got no work to do," 

It would declare a thing 
The opposite of true. 

Of tasks it has a store. 

So many never yet 
Has Majesty before 

The Lords and Commons set. 

If Parliament get through 
That work that should be done, 

Reform will make a new 
But not a better one. 

If Parliament omit 

To do its work, we then 
Must have, instead of it, 

A House of Working Men. 



A VETERINARY CRISPIN. 



Two men were committed for trial at Worship Street the other day, 
on a charge of burglariously attempting to bre ik into certain dwelling- 
houses. One of the prisoners, according to a police report, was a 
certain " John Maynard, 29, described as a shoemaker, but having 
all the appearance of a blacksmith." Perhaps Mr. Maynard com- 
bined in himself the art of the blacksmith with that of the shoemaker. 
It may be that the shoes which he has been accustomed to make were 
horse-shoes. We deplore the unhappy circumstances which have led 
to his present retention from the respectable employment of making 
them. 



72 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 16, 1867. 




VENERATION. 

Lodger. " I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I 've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us 
Something Nice for Supper " 

Lamdlady (Low Church). "Would you like the Remainder of the Cold Turkey— ah ('feels a delicacy ')-hem ! Beblze- 
bvbbed, Sir?" 



IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. 

Scene — Trafalgar Square. Time — Midnight. 



lour Majestic Lions 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
Leo, Wallace, Charlemagne, and Alexander. 



Leo. We 've been a long time coming, Wallace. 

Wallace. And no wonder — look at the roads. 

Charlem. Want sweeping terribly. Scavengers gone out of town, 
perhaps. 

Alex. Funny people, these English— always talking and legislating to 
secure purity — of election. 

Leo. And so awfully particular too about going into Courts (of law) 
with clean hands. 

Wallace. But they never seem to look down to notice what is under 
their shoes. 

Charlem. They have strange ways certainly — these bearded islanders. 

Alex. And if this is a specimen of their highways, what must their 
other ways be ? 

Leo. Not to put too fine a point upon it, their thoroughfares are 
thoroughly foul. (Hear, hear !) 

Wallace. Well, thank fortune we've arrived safe. I trembled at 
those tremendous vans with their terrific drivers, and made sure we 
should have come to grief before we got here. 

Charlem. How do you like the situation P 

Alex SIX 's airy. 

Leo. But the look-out is so queer. 

Wallace. What gloomy building is that yonder, ornamented with 
pepper-boxes ? 

Charlem. The Monument. 

Alex. You surprise me. I fancied the Monument was on ' Fish 
Street Hill. 



Leo (in a sepulchral lone). No, that is the Monument 

Wallace. Who is buried there ? 

Charlem. ! Rubens, Titiens, Turner, and some other unfortu- 
nate painters. 

Alex. Dear me ! I had no idea we were so near a cemetery. 

Leo. Who are all these chaps about .us on horseback ? Anything to 
do with Bon Giovanni ? 

Wallace. No. They are only Monarchs retired from business. 

Charlem. They never put poets on horseback — not even on Pegasus. 

Leo. Do you see that effigy of a dear friend up yonder over the ducal 
mansion ? 

Wallace. He was a maternal cousin of mine. 

Charlem. To what did he owe his elevation ? 

Alex. Well, he obtained an appointment from his then excellent 
Majesty at the Tower of London as a sort of supernumerary beef eater. 

Leo. He was a jolly good fellow, and used to keep the table in a roar. 
(Hear, hear !) 

Alex. Right you are ! Well, one night he thought he should like to 
see what was going on at the West-End, so he stole out and sauntered 
down as far as Northumberland House. Arrived there, and being 
desirous, I suppose, to get a bird's-eye view of the Metropolis, he 
ascended by some means to that proud eminence. Then, as now, 
Bumbledom was in a muddled state, and as our fat friend looked forth 
upon chaos and old night, and surveyed the public Statues at large, 
he raised his 

Charlem. Eyes ? 

Alex. No, his tail, and became petrified with astonishment, he 

Leo. Hush ! here 's a Bobby. 



Reflection on an Insolvent Railway. — The rolling 'stock 
gathers no moss. __^ 

A Hunting Set.— The Fox Club. 



Printed by Joseph SmitTi , of No. M.Hoflord Square, in the Pansn of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ot Messrs. Bradbury. Evans, * Co.. l^mbard 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Meet Street, in the Parish of Bt Bride, City of London.— Sitvrdai , February is, 1867. 



February 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



75 



of the first or second degree. The law of the land, and not twelve 
men accidentally collected, and possibly excited, should supply the 
dclinition— the facts are the business of the jury. Public execution is 
to be abolished. This Bill ought to pass, let who will be Ministers. 

Friday. The Fenian madness was spoken about in both Houses. 
At Chester the Volunteers behaved manfully, as has been said, and 
question arose, in the Lords whether the Household Guard could be 
properly called upon to fight rebels. As Volunteers, no, but as citi- 
zens, yes ; and as they are drilled and armed citizens, taut mieux. 

In the Commons, Mr. Baillie, Conservative County Member, gave 
a notice adverse to the Conservative leader's resolution, No. 5. 
" Baly, my babe, lie still and sleep." 

A Bervia-cum Crete debate. Mr. Gregory pounded the Turks, and 
Mr. Layard defended them. 



En presence de pared s fails, les commentaires sont supcrflus, et la 

chronique s arrcte epouvantce ! . . . Heureux pour les auteurs eliontes 

de cet odieux attentat, que nous n'avous pu jusqu'ici en decouvrir et 

publicr les noms, prenoms et qualitcs ! 

* 
* * 

Un bien douloureux evenement vient de plonger dans la consterna- 
tion les habitants de la commune de X. . . . 

Le Sieur Jean . . . accompagne de sa femme venait de gravir la 
coiJine avoisinaut le hameau, et sur le sommet de laquelle il existe sans 
doute un ancien pints, afin d'y puiser quelques litres d'eau fraichc 
pour les besoms de leur humble domicile. Soudain son pied glisse, la 
tote lui tourne, A se precipite du haut en bas de la montagne 

Le blesse se transporta a la hate chez le chirurgien du village, le 



Mr. Gladstone was impartial, and j Sieur Robert X***, qui par un hasard providentiel sc trouvaif etrc 

there was unanimous plaudit for Lord Stanley's calm despatches and . son propre frere ; et celui-ci, mis en demeure de s'expliquer sur son 

marked abstention from interference. Christians and Mussulmans cas, put constater la presence d'un fracture serieuse dans la region 

'lad lot. One side pitches its prisoners, and sets them on [ occipitale du crane, dont il calma l'irritation au moven d'une emplatre 

other cuts oil' the ears of its captives, and presents the [ de papier ;t emballer sature d'acide acel.ique, qu'il appliqua sur la 

ir friends in the light of cheques. We shall be in the | partie lesee. Nous croyons pouvoir affirmer que cet accident n'aura 

pas de suites funestes. 

Jusqu'a present nous n'avons point recu de details circonstancies sur 
1 etat actuel de la malheureuse femme, qui, d'apres nos derniers ren- 
seignements, avait suivi son epoux dans sa chute impetueuse. 



seem alike a bad lot 

fire, and the 

articles to their friends in the light of cheque 

Eastern quarrel one of these days, but we won't go in upon a quarrel of 

savage; 



UN SOU LA LIGNE. 




E give, a few extracts from the 
article of " Notre Correspondent 
Auglais," in a late number of a 
leading Erench daily paper, La 
Blague Internationale (The Inter- 
national Tobacco-pouch). The 
information they impart is not 
without some foundation of truth ; 
but the English reader will per- 1 a" "j 
ceive. that facts are published , par ticulier, et la ch 
therein as of recent occurrence, ' 
which the British public has al- 
ready been familiar with for some 
little time. We trust " Our French 
Correspondent," is more guarded 
as to the details he sends ns from 
the other side of the water. 



affreuse misere a' 
plus somptueux . 
importuned, 



Leicester Square, Fevrier, 1867. 

C'est avec une douleur presque 
voisine de l'indignation que nous 
nous resignons a constater l'ex- 
istence, a Londres, de la plus 
cote de 1'opulence la plus splendide, du faste le 
. . . une venerable personne, la dame H***d, 
hors d'elle-meme par les hurlements plaintifs 
de son boule-dogue, alia chercher dans son armoire quelque os pour 
calmer la faim du fidele animal, muet gardien de ses p^nates. Apres 
les perquisitions les plus^ minutieuses, quel fut son decouragement 
lorsqu'eile dut s'avouer a. elle-meme qu'elle se trouvait devant une 
armoire vide ! force fut done au pauvre quadrupede d'en rester sur sa 
faim. . . . 
O Angleterre ! . . . quonsque tandem . . . . ! 



Un des faubourgs de Londres a ete recemment le theatre d'un inci- 
dent qui, nous l'esperons, touchera de bien pres ceux de nos lecteurs 
qui n'ont point etouffe en eux le germe du respect pour les simples 
mais intimes joies du foyer domestique. II parait que le sieur H****R, 
bourgeois fort connu et meme respect e dans son quartier, mais dont 
nous ne voulons preciser davantage le nom pour des raisons de deli- 
catesse que le public intelligent saura sans doute appiecier, etait assis 
avec sa t'amille devant une table bien servie, oil ils mangeaient ensemble 
more Anglico le repas de Noel. Tout a coup, le fils Jean H****r, 
enfant en bas age, saisissantsapart du " puding" traditionnel, s'enfuit 
dans un des coins dc la salle-a-manger. ou il s'assit avec une gravite 
prdcoce ; puis, insurant le pouce dans la pate succulente, il parvint a 
en retirer un raisin solitaire, tout en se prodiguant a lui-meme les 
61oges les plus flatteurs. . . . 

* * 

Les persecutions religieuses continucnt a scvir dans certaines parties 
de 1' Angleterre avec tout e leur ancienne rigueur. Voici un fragment de 
correspondance particuliere qui nous est parvenu, et que nous traduisons 
pour nos lecteurs ; nous sommes en mesure d'en garantir I'in ecusable 
anthenticit6 : — 

" Lo vieux L"" , gs ) surnorome', a cause de sa haute faille et de son extreme 
maigreur, le P4re Longues-Jambes, s'obstinait a ne point reciter les prieres pre. 
sorites par notre region ; indiynes do ses refus lAttTie, nous le saisimes par une de 
ses jambes (inutile do specifier laqueUe), et lui Times degiingoler 1 escalier de son 
habitation " 



On nous ecrit de Sandringham : 

Un singulier desastre est arrive dernierement a une des femmes de 
chambre attachees au service de S. A. R. la Princesse de Galles. D'apres 
l'information que nous avons recue, il parait que cette jeune personue 
faisait secher au soled le linge auguste qui sortait de la lessive royale, 
lorsqu'une grive, hote de quelque foret voisine, s'abattit soudain sur 
elle, et lui infligea exactement au milieu du visage une blessure cruelle 
et defigurante. Pendant que cette scene se passait dans le jardin de 
dringham, le roi futur faisait les comptes du tresordans son cabinet 
iculier, et la charmante princesse, qui doit un jour partager son 
trone, savourait avec delices un simple et frugal dejeuner dans leparloir 
du chateau. On peut s'imaginer la sympathie dont la jeune et inte- 
ressante victime de cet atroce outrage ornithologique devint imme- 
diatement l'objet de la part de LL. AA. Pdl. 

La blessure est de nature a donner de graves inquietudes pour la 
beaute personnelle de l'aimable CMmencre, dont les traits s'etaient 
toujours fait remarquer par leur irreprochable regulariti'. 



A HAPPY CONCLUSION. 



Under the head of " Marriages " in the Cardiff and Merthyr Guardian 
of the 8th inst., the curious may find this curious announcement :— 

JOHNSON— PAGE— Jan. 22, at Ashburton, Devon, by the Rev. R. L. Pa<?e, of 
Coatham, Redcar, assisted by the Rev. C. Worthy, vicar, Captaiu Johnson, R.N., 
of Cardiff, to Emily Leman Page, only daughter of the late Rev. Robeit Leman 
Page, of Drinkstone, Suffolk. " Her end was peace." 

( f course the word " end " is here used as a synonym for " object," 
or "intention:" otherwise this final sentence appears somewhat 
funereal, and sadly out of place. But we presume that the fair bride 
had a wholesome wish to live a life of peace and quietude, and con- 
sidered that by marriage she was likely to secure it. The cynical might 
have but little faith in such a likelihood, and Mr. Caudle might declare 
that her peace is pretty certain, if she will but hold her peace. But, 
like all other happy husbands, Mr. Punch believes most heartily that 
marriage as a rule leads to a blissful peace of mind, and he congratu- 
lates all such as share in this belief. 



A PLEASING MUDDLE. 



CoJirLAiNTs are made that the standard of examination by the Law 
Society is too high. Some persons think that a mau may be able to do 
attorney-work without possessing the usual accomplishments of a gen- 
tleman. Be this as it may, it is clear that grammar is not necessary to 
a solicitor. Here is an advertisement from the. Telegraph .— 



TO 
J- f« 



BANKERS AND MERCHANTS.— Whosoever shall give the 

following INFORMATION to Mr. *•** "*"**. Solicitor, viz., in whose hands 
does the BILL of EXCHANGE for £:)73 10»\ Id, drawn at St. Thomas, (Test 
Indies, to the order of Mr. *»»* at 90 days' sii;ht, tits, any person giving the 
required information shall be remunerated accordingly. 



City Anecdote.— Baitman, Secretary to a Limited Liability under- 
taking not considered too safe, having a handsomely furnished office, 
it was remarked of him that his Room was better than his Company. 



Epigram by Lord Cran borne.— Best Proof of a Government's 
Irresolution.— Resolutions. 



76 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 23, 1867. 




CAUTION. 

Don't keep your Beer-Barrel in the same Cellar as your Dust-Bin ! 



RESOLUTION OF REFORM. 

(an appeal to patriotism.) 

O come, good Lords and Gentlemen, ye Commons and ye Peers, 
We do entreat a loan of you — the favour of your ears. 
O turn your minds unto Reform for good and all this day, 
'Tis one more opportunity, and be our last it may ! 

Too often have ye trifled with the task that 's to be done, 
And broken off repeatedly the work you had begun. 
Whereat the people winked long, and patiently forbore, 
But know ye now they will abide the like delay no more. 

Remember how, in fifty-four one Bill you did resign, 
And how ye did another Bill reject in fifty-nine, 
And how a third in sixty-one your Palmerston withdrew— 
Refuse another, and oh, then, what will become of you ? 

Come let us now take counsel, and consider wherewithalj 

To frame a measure that shall stand— not through discussion fall. 

Let 's put on resolution, and by means thereof proceed ; 

For in that we resolve on we shall be thereon agreed. 

Fat bulls of Basan round about do vehemently roar, 

And that fat Bull of Birmingham is specially a bore. 

To bellow till they weary were, though them we might allow, 

We must regard that Bull of Balls whose voice is rising now. 

John Bull himself doth call aloud and utter his behest. 
This long-vext question of Reform 'tis time to set at rest. 
So go to work in earnest now the needful thing to do, 
Or you '11 provoke the wrath of John— then woe be unto you ! 



A Ministerial Query. — Is it true that General Peel is a 
Secretary at War— with some of his colleagues on the question of 
Reform r 



THE WELL-SPOKEN YOUNG MAN. 

{With all apology to Mr. Charles Dickens). 

He is moving forward ia the direction in which you are going. You 
discover him to be a remarkably well-behaved young man, and a re- 
markably well-spoken young man. You know him to be well-behaved, 
by his respectful manner of touching his hat, you know him to be ^'ell- 
spoken by his smooth manner of expressing himself. He says, in a 
flowing, confidential voice, 

" Sir Mr. John Bull will you allow me to speak to you Sir it is not 
merely retaining office that is my intention for I was brought up by 
the best of politicians and merely retaining office is not my trade I 
should not know Sir how to follow it as a trade such being quite 
foreign to my nature if such were my shameful intention for the 
best of politicians long taught otherwise and though now reduced to 
take the present liberty I am favourably known to the Premier the 
Lord Chancellor the majority of the Tory party and the ole of the 
Conservative profession but through ill blood in my party and the 
obstinacy of friends of whom I became leader and they no other 
than Members of the Cabinet of my own Premier am sent forth 
not to beg indulgence for I will sooner deprive the country of my 
services but to help my party to the final end of the session Sir in 
appier times and before the calamity of office fell upon us I devised for 
my constitutional amusement when I little thought that I should ever 
need them excepting for Curiosities of Literature these" (here the 
well-spoken young man puts his hand on a paper) "these Resolutions 
Sir I implore you in the name of the Constitution to accept these 
Resolutions which are a genuine article resembling those which came 
from India the East Indies and alter them in any way your wisdom 
may see fit and may the blessings of a party without a policy awaiting 
with, beating arts the return of Mr. Gladstone to office ever attend 
you Sir may I take the liberty of speaking to you I implore you to 
accept these Resolutions." 

By this time, being a reasonable judge of what one should answer 
with " Walker," you will have been too much for the well-spoken 
young man. 



February 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 




THE REJECTED DESIGN FOR THE NEW LAW COURTS. 

" One anonymous architect lias sent in a frantic design, which the Commissioners have not chosen to exhibit." — Times, Feb. 11, 1867. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

Next Day at Station.— My practical joke. No change. Milburd 
has to pay the cab ; after which he has no change, only a cheque, and 
I have to pay the railway fares for both. So ends my practical joke. 

Very cold travelling. 

Happy Thought.— Sixpence to guard. Hot-water bottle. 

Jolly place to go to is Byng's. One needn't (I say) take down dress- 
clothes ; no ladies or dinner parties. You can go down as you are. " As 
/ am" means a light-coloured shooting coat, waistcoat to match, and 
warm comfortable trousers, rather old, and a trifle shabby perhaps, but 
as Milburd says, " anything will do for the country in winter. 

We reach the station. No flys. We stamp up and down for half 

j an hour warming our feet. It is half-past five, lie dines at half-past 

six. However no dressing ; hot water and dine as we are. Milburd 

tells me he always dresses for dinner for comfort's sake, and adds, 

" that it 's always safer to bring your evening clothes with you when 

j you 're going on a visit." I reply, " Oh, I don't know." No fly. No 

| porter to send. If Milbued will watch the luggage, I, who know the 

country and where the Inn is, will walk on and get a fly sent down to him. 

I do so. Fly is ready. I '11 walk on to the house. Another practical 
joke of mine. Milbued will have to pay the fly. If he has no change 
the butler will have to do it, and Milburd must settle with him. I 
know the short cut, and can go in by the yard-door. 

Brisk walk. Up a lane. See the lights. 

Think I hear Mildubd's fly quite in the distance. Great fun. I'll 
be there before him, and then what good trick can we play on him ? 

Here 's the yard-door. Open ! No bell needed. It 's very dangerous 
to keep a door like this so unguarded. There ought to be a'dog or trap. 

Happy Thought— 1 '11 tell Byng he ought to have a dog. 

There is a dog. An inch more to his chain and he 'd have pinned me : 
how dangerous ! I must creep along, keeping close to the wall. He 
is plunging and barking wildly in front of me : I can just see his form. 
I hear the fly driving up by the front way : I wish I'd come by that. 
The dog is still plunging, dashing, and barking. 

Happy Thought— To say, " Poor old boy, then— poor old man ! " 

He is growling, which is more dangerous. I try a tone of the 
deepest compassion, " Poor old fellow, then ; poor old chap ! " 

He is trying to break his chain ■. if he breaks his chain I am done. 
Shall 1 call for help ? it 's so absurd to call for help. I am in an angle 

vol. l; i. 



of the wall, if I move to the door where I came in he can reach me ; if 
I move off along the wall he can reach me. I don't exactly see where 
he can't reach me. " Poor fellow — poor boy ! " He is literally furious ! 

Happy Thought. — Climb the wall. 

1 try climbing the wall : if I fall back, he 's safe to catch me. Any 
movement on my part sends him wild : how wonderful it is that they 
have not been attracted in doors by his noise. 

" Poor old boy ! " I hear him shaking his kennel with rage. He 
will have a convulsion, go mad, and break the chain. If I ever get out 
of this, I swear I'll never try a short cut to a house again. At last a 
light. The cook at the door— the kitchen door. " What do I want ? " 
she asks. I reply, " Oh, nothing, I was just walking in the short way, 
and the old dog doesn't quite know me." The butler luckily appears, 
he addresses me by name, and orders, with authority, Growler to get 
down, which Growler does, sulkily. 

I say, as if he was leaving me pleasantly, " Poor old boy !— sharp dog 
that." It 's a bad example to let people see you're at all afraid of an 
animal. He growls from his kennel, and we enter the house. 

Mr. Milburd has arrived, and my luggage. Will I go into the 
drawing-room ? there 's tea in the drawing-room, as we don't dine till 
seven to-day. I take off my wraps with a feeling of being at home. 
Old Byng comes out to greet me. He says, " I 'ye got a surprise for 
you." I wish I 'd got a surprise for him, it 's his birthday. " Many 
happy returns," I give him heartily. He says, " Such a surprise. I 
knew you wouldn't come if there were ladies." What does he mean P 
We walk to the drawing-room. I follow him : I am prepared to have a 
good laugh at Milburd about paying the fly, and then 

Ladies ! six ladies ! ! all seated round the fire- taking tea. Milbued 
standing on the rug, a young^ man on a small chair, an elderly gentle- 
man deep in a book. Six ladies ! ! ! 

Unhappy Thought. — No dress- clot lies. 

I am introduced, vaguely. I don't hear any one's name, and try to 
give a different sort of bow to each, which fails. Alter the intro- 
duction, silence. My host goes and talks to elderly lady with worsted. 

Happy Thought.— Hook at photograph-book on table. Quite a refuge 
for the conversationally destitute is a photograph-book. Think 1 '11 
speak to elderly gentleman ; what about ? 

Happy Thought. — Ask him how the weather's been here? As he 
says, " I beg pardon, what?" the door opens, a seventh lady enters— 
Miss Fridoline Symperson ! ! ! No evening dress-clothes ! 



74 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 23, 1867. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

kxjamin Disraeli, Chancellor 
of the Exchequer, did on the 
evening of Monday, February 
11, make a speech of two hours 
and a quarter, and did not 
explain the intentions of the 
Conservative Government in 
regard to Parliamentary Re- 
form. _ What he did say was 
in this wise. The House 
should divest itself, upon this 
occasion only, and by the Par- 
ticular Desire of several per- 
sons of Distinction (as country 
play-bills say) of party spirit. 
Government hoped for the 
sympathy of the Conservatives. 
Lord Derby and his col- 
leagues had resolved that ' 
Parliamentary Reform was j 
not a question that ought to ' 
decidethe fate of the Ministers, j 
All parties had tried to deal 
with it and had failed, and j 
therefore the House of Com- 
mons itself must settle it. The 
Reform Act of 1832 had ex- j 
eluded large masses of the 
labouring classes from the 
franchise, and now, as prognosticated by Sib. Robert Peel, those classes were re-claiming 
their rights. Moreover the increased application of science to social life had greatly elevated 
the people. We, the Swells, have not wilfully opposed them, but have perhaps been too 
Epicurean. [Yet, dear Sir, what nobler creature can there be than au Epicurus, if he be also 
totus teres atque Rotundus?\ He thought that before introducing a Bill he had a right to ask 
the House whether it would not sanction the course recommended by Government. Ttiis 
question he should ask by moving Resolutions, a course he defended at great length. He 
intended to reconstruct the House on the principles of the British Constitution. Every 
class and interest had been represented under the Constitution, and hence our prosperity. 
Neither France, America, nor Germany had such representation. He was for no artificial 
symmetry. He should know how to deal with bribers. The county population was eleven 
millions and a half, and they had only 162 Members. The borough population was nine 
millions and a half, and they had 331 Members. Therefore, the county folk ought at least to j 
be allowed to return their men without the interference of the boroughs. The Boundaries 
question would consequently have to be dealt with. There was a scattered population of 
nine millions who were the Backbone of the country. The backbone was industrious and 
had sincere and deep religion, and ought to be confided in and represented. [He intro- 
duced a parenthetical whop at Mr. Goldwin Smith, who has been lecturing on politics, and 
whom Me. Disraeli described as "a rampant lecturer, and a Wild Man from the Cloisters."] 
Government were not angling for a policy. They had one. But they would gratefully accept 
the will of the House. The course was not nattering to themselves. [Mr. Bright. Ha, ha ! 
Hear, hear! Mr. Disraeli. Yes, Sir, but it is better to work for the public good than to , 
bring forward mock measures.] He hoped the House would rise to this occasion. And he ! 
ended thus : — 

" Those who take the' larger and nobler view of human affairs wilt, I think, recognise that alone in the 
countries of Europe. England, now for almost countless generations, has, by her Parliament, exhibited a fair 
exemplar of free Government. In the midst of the awful vicissitudes of her heroic history, she has miiutained 
and cherished that public spirit which is the soul of commonwealths, and without which empire has no glory, 
and the wealth of nations is a means of corruption." 

Mr. Disraeli proposed to go into a Committee of the whole House on Monday the 
25th February. He did not then produce his Resolutions, but they appeared the following 
morning. They may as well be expounded here. 

1. Increase of Voters, town and county. 

2. Lower the standard of value, and create "fancy franchises." 

3. No class interest should predominate. 

4. Occupation franchise to be based on rating. 

5. Let us have Plurality of Votes in boroughs. 

6. Revise the existing distribution of Seats. 

7. Wholly disfranchise no borough. 

8. Consider the claims of unrepresented places. 

9. Provide against bribery. 

10. Liken the county to the borough system of registration. 

11. Votes may be given in writing. 

12. More polling places, and all travelling payments illegal. 

13. A Commission on borough boundaries. 

But as this baker's dozen of Resolutions was not before the leader of the Opposition, 
Mr. Gladstone could only reply with a compliment to Mr. Disraeli's ability, a remark 
that his proposed mode of proceeding was novel, that Mr. Gladstone's own impression was 
against it, and a statement that the Opposition would decide upon their course when the 
whole case should be before them. 

Nobody said anything more. Later in the week an attempt was made to draw Mr. Dis- 
raeli out a little, but it failed He said, however, that Government did not pledge itself to 
go further in obedience to the House than might seem proper. And so Reform was left sticking 



for a fortnight, and as observing and judicious 
persons will see, we are not favoured with much 
information on the subject. Now, Mr. Punch 
thinks that a great constitutional change ought 
to be effected with elaborate slowness and 
caution, and that too much consideration can 
hardly be bestowed on every step. Bat when 
nobody can consider, because nobody has the 
scheme before him, Mr. Punch regards delay as 
waste of valuable time. 

Noble Lords and Faithful Commons were 
awfully dull all the rest of the week. On 

Tuesday, Lord Russell saw fit to present a 
petition from a person called Rigby Wason, 
whom everybody has forgotten for the last thirty 
years, and who imitated everybody by forgetting 
himself so far as to rake up an old and exploded 
scandal against Sir Fitzroy Kelly, now Chief 
Baron of Exchequer. It was about a statement 
which Sir Fitzroy was said to have made, and 
did not make, before au election committee. Sir 
Fitzroy kindly offered to shoot this Wason at 
the time, but Wason would not come out ; and 
it is the more unworthy of him to revive the 
matter, now that we don't fight, and if we did, 
a Chief Justice could scarcely renew his chal- 
lenge. The charge is completely negatived, 
Rigby Wason is not admired for the spite 
that breaks out afresh after thirty years, or for 
a most vulgar and splenetic letter which he has 
published since, and we have not heard many 
compliments to the Whig politician for his con- 
duct in presenting the petition against the Tory 
Judge. 

Lord Belmore brought in a Government Bill 
about Street Traffic, but we must have a look at 
its details before judging it. There seem to be 
some wholesome provisions agains.t snow, bad 
cabs, and timber carts, but we doubt whether it 
goes half far enough. The railway and trading 
interests in the Commons,_ however, are too 
powerful to allow any useful measure against 
their vans and carts, which block London. 

Fenianism has broken out again. In Chester 
the ruffians were frightened away by the bold 
measures of the citizens and Volunteers, and the 
subsequent arrival of the Fusileers. But in 
Killarney they have cut the telegraphs, and 
wounded a gallant orderly. The Chief Sec- 
retary has gone off to Ireland, and so has 
Lord Strathnairn, better known as Sir Hugh 
Rose, who is just the man to deal with rebels. 
Exeter Hall would naturally think of prose- 
cuting him, in case he should hang any incen- 
diaries, but, on the other hand, as they would 
be white, they would probably be considered 
unworthy of attention from philanthropists. Bat 
they will not be without apologists and^advo- 
cates among political fanatics. 



A dull debate on an unsuccessful 
attempt, by Mr. Ayrton, to get the income of 
the Finsbury Prebend (£4S,000 a-year) assigned 
for the spiritual good of London. Mr. Had- 
field was as unlucky as usual when eager 
to be spiteful against the Church of England. 
He boasted of the religious character of the 
Welsh, adding, that seven-eighths of them are 
Dbsenters, but not adding, as the truth is, that 
there is no better recruiting ground for the 
Mormons than the religious Principality. 

Thursday. Amid loud cheers, Mr. Disraeli 
stated that Government had undertaken the 
defence of Colonel Nelson and Mr. Brand, 
who are prosecuted by the Jamaica Committee. 
It was the duty of a Government to do so, he 
said, when officers were attacked for obeying 
the orders of their superiors. 

Ministers propose to do away with the Vice- 
President of the Board of Trade, and to 
have, instead, a Secretary, who shall be a M. 
This plan is approved by Mr. Milner Gibson. 

Moreover, Capital Punishments Bills were 
introduced. Wisely, we think, the offeuces are 
defined which constitute the crime, and make it 



February 23, 18G7.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



79 



Koukd about the Fire of Council, 
On the bench of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
In the secret Lodge of Dow-niu, 
Sat the chiefs of the Tor-i-has, 
Sat the advisers of Lor-der-bee. 
The Kau-ka-syun Dee-zee. foremost 
Of the medicine-men, the Medas, 
The Magicians, the Wa-be-nos, 
And the Jossa-keeds, the prophets : 
Chief of war and braves, Jon-a-tiian, 
"Wrinkled, like an o'er-kept apple, 
Juiceless, but the Peel remaining. 
I'ah-kin-to-noh, guide of war-ships. 
Who ne'er sailed the Big Sea- Water ; 
Stan-lee, with eyes looking two ways, 
One behind him, one before him, 
Calm of counsel, cool of judgment, 
Still a wonder to his father, 
Standing puzzle to Lor der-bee : 
And CRAN-BOR-NOH,'thesharp-tongued one; 
"Wal-i-pol, the weeping willow, 
Quick to bend, and ever tearful, 
"With Hah-dee, surnamed the Gay Thorn, 
For bis sharpness and good-humour. 
Lark and doubtful was their aspect, 
Glum and grumpy were their glances, 
As they laid their heads together, 
Drew around the Fire of Council, 
On the bench of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
In the secret Lodge of Dow-nin. 
For the braves of the Re-for-mahs, 
In their war-paint and their feathers, 
With their clubs, from all their lodges, 
League on league, were thickly gathered 
With the strength of Bright, the Big Tongue, 
Bounce of Beales and push of Pott-ah, 
Storming round the Lodge of Dow-nin 
At the doors of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
Crying " Down with the Tor-i-ahs ! 

" Can they shape the mighty measure, 
Weave the charm of the lle-for-mahs, 
Fix. the wonder-working Fran-chees, 
That shall cure the people's ailments, 
Give to all what they're in want of, 
Wit and wisdom, work and wages, 
Short-cut to the Happy Valley, 
To the Islands of the Blessed, 
To the kingdom of Come-eat-me, 
Where the geese fall ready-roasted, 
And all good thihgs come for asking r 
Jon-A-wo-bun, he could shape it, 
And Will-yoo-it, called the Glad Stone ; 
They had cured the people's ailments, 
Fixed the wonder-working Fran-chees, 
In the Wig-wam of West-min-stah, 
In the Big Talk of the nation, 
For the land of the Yen-gee-zees. 
But the braves of the Tor-i-has 
From the Cave the serpents summoned — 
The Ken-a-beek, the great Bob-lo, 
And the little snake Guo-ve-nau, 
Marsh-snake from Australian diggins, 
El-co. painted snake that rattles, 
And the Orcadian serpent La-ing, 
Called to aid the Headless Hor.su.v>' ; 
From their ambush in Adullam, 
In the back stung Jon-a-wo-bun, 
Stung Will-yoo-it, called the Glad Stone, 
Braving wrath of Bright the Big Tongue. 
Bounce of Beales and push of 1'ot-tau. 
Till they stormed the Lodge of Dow-nin, 
Won the Bench of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
Scalped the braves of the Re-for-mahs, 



THE GREAT MEDICINE-MAN. 

{A New Canto of Hia-icatha.) 

Took their scalps, their paint and feathers, 
And the moccasins they walked in. 
Shall we let them longer wear these f 
Shall we trust their medicine-maker, 
The Kau-ka-syun Ben-dee-zee ? 
Never ! Let us spoil them, strip them 
Of the loaves and of the fishes, 
Drive them from the pleasant places, 
From the hunting-grounds of Of-fis, 
From the Bench of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
From the secret Lodge of Dow-niu." 
Then the blowers blew their conch-shells, 
Da-lee-noo-sah, the long-winded, 
Te-le-gra-faii, the tremendous, 
And the Sun, whose beams are bottled, 
From the brains of Bright, the Big Tongue, 
Blew their conch-shells for the battle. 

The Tor-i-ha chiefs, in council, 
Heard the cries of the Re-for-mahs, 
And the blowing of their conch-shells, 
And their brows grew dark as thunder, 
For their council was divided, 
Black on this side, white on that side, 
Like the leaves of the red willow 
When 'tis tossed by Mud-jee-kee-wis, 
By the breathing of the west wind. 

Then arose the medicine-maker, 
The Kau-ka-syun Ben-dee-zee : 
" Wherefore are our hearts divided ? 
Wherefore are we twain in council ? 
Wherefore clutch we spear and war-club 
'Gainst ourselves, and not our foemen ? 
Shall we, in the Lodge of Dow-nin, 
Cut the throats of one another, 
Nor unite to save our bacon, 
Save our loaves and save our fishes, 
Save our seats in pleasaat places, 
Save the hunting-grounds of Of-fis ? 
Let me go forth on the peace-path, 
Let me deal with the Re-for-mahs. 
I will make a mighty med'eine, 

I Will Outwit JON-A-WO-BUN 

And Will-yoo-it, called the Glad Stone ; 
From the med' cine-bag of Mo-shun 
I will draw the yarn of glamour, 
Wampum string of Re-so-lu-shun, 
So that we shall have the glory, 
And that they shall have the labour, 
Of the shaping of the measure, 
Of the fixing of the Fran-chees, 
In the Wig-wam of West-min-stah, 
In the Big Talk of the nation 
For the land of the Yen-gee-zees, 
And yet we shall save our places, 
Keep the Bench of Tre-sor-ee-wah, 
Keep the secret Lodge of Dow-nin ! " 

So went forth the med'eine-maker, 
The Kau-ka-syun Ben-dee-zee, 
To the Wig-wam of West-min-stah, 
To the Big Talk of the nation, 
With the braves of the Tor-i-ahs, 
Ranged in ordered ranks behind him, 
One in name, but twain in council. 
Fronting them, sat the Re-for-mahs, 
In their war-paint and their feathers, 
Many tribes and many colours ; 
Red-men painted with vermilion, 
Followers of Bright, the Big Tongue, 
Some in neutral colour — Sha-kees — 
Some in blue-and-buff, — Whig-a-mores, — 
Of the tribe of Jon-a-wo-bun ; 



Some who all these colours blended 
Red and blue and buff and neutral, 
As their hopes or humours prompted, 
Or the hunt of loaves and fishes : 
Many trusting in Wii,l-yoo-it, 
More who only said they trusted. 
And Will-yoo-it, called the Glad Stone, 
The Keueu, the Great-war-eagle, 
Lean and lowering, in the van-ward, 
O'er his hooked beak scowled scornful, 
Knit his iron brows so ruthless, 
Lit his keen eyes for the o 
Set his thin lips hard for battle. 

Then out-stepped the med'eine maker. 
The Kau-ka-syun. Ben-dke-zee, 
In the space betwixt the armies, 
Of Tor-i-ahs and Re-for-mahs. 
Very still and solemn looked he ; 
Black and bright, and sparsely scattered, 
Curled his scalp-locks, cork-screw twisted : 
Keen and cold, and like a serpent's. 
The great serpent's, the Ken-a-beek's, 
Glittered his black eye, sole life spark 
Of the dreamy, death-like features. 
In his belt he. bore no weapon, 
Scalping knife, nor axe, nor war-club, 
Spear nor arrow, nor yet long-bow, 
Nought but medicine bag of Mo -shuns ; 
With his right-hand putting forward 
The Peace-pipe, and in his left-hand, 
Half displayed, hid half behind him, 
Wampum-strings of Re-so-lu-shuns 
Large and loose, thirteen in number. 
Then his med'eine dance he measured, 
And his med'eine music chaunted, 
Slow, sonorous, high and hollow, 
Till you would have said that butter 
Would not in his mouth have melted : 
While he blew his cloud of vapour, 
The Puk-wa-na of the Peace-pipe ; 
Singing, how the war was ended, 
'Twixt Tor-i-ahs and Re-for-mahs ; 
How the time was come to bury 
The war-hatchet, Par-tee-quest-shun, 
To shake hands and blow together 
The Puk-wa-na of the Peace-pipe, 
In the Wig-wam of West-min-stah 
In the Big Talk of the nation. 
Calling both sides' braves together 
To prepare the magic measure, 
Fix the wonder-working Fran-chees, 
The Tor-i-ahs lending ballast, 
The Re-for-mahs lending movement. 
And that both might scheme and shape it , 
Both Tor-i-ahs and Re-for-mahs, 
Proffering medicine of his Mo-shuns, 
Wampum string of Re-so-lu-shuns. 

Eagerly, with rapt attention, 
For awhile the warriors heard him, 
Chaunting, heavily and hollow, 
Spouting, slowly and sonorous, 
Till attention grew to wonder, 
Expectation to amazement, 
" What the mischief is he up to V 
What the dickens is he after ? " 
Then came weariness of wonder, 
Of bewilderment came boredom. 
And they said, " There is no magic 
In his med'eine bag of Mo-shuns : 
All is bosh and all is bunkum; 
He is but a medicine-maker, 
And his medicine is moonshine." 



CAUSE AND EFFECT. 

A Delighted hearer observed of a very brilliant talker, that the 
flash'of his wit was followed close by the peal of applause. 



Tue Schoolmaster's Paradise.— Whippingham. 



SCIENTIFIC INTELLIGENCE. 

At the next Meeting of The Medical Society of London a Paper will 
be read " On the Backbone of the Nation." 



Logical Exercise for Ladies.— Jumping to conclusions. 



80 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[February 23, 18C7. 




THE WRONGS OF IRELAND. 

Bloated Saxon. " But surely, is it not the Fact that of late Years the number of 

Absentees among the Irish Landholders is not so large as " 

Irish Quest. "Oi big y'r Par-r-d'n, Sor ! 'Give ye me Wor-rd 'f Honour-r me vs- 

HAPPEE COUNTREE SWA-AR-RMS WITH 'M 'T TH' PRIs'NT T-HIME ! ! " 



SANGER v. BEALES. 

Having visited the Agricultural Hall 
during both the entertainments given there 
last week, we can confidently back Mr. 
Sanger and his Hippodromatic company 
against Messrs. Beales and Potter, and 
their stud of Demonstrationists. Mr. San- 
ger's artistes, male and female, know their 
business, and his clowns and ring-master 
understand what they are talking about. 
M. Avice balances himself gracefully in 
mid-air more wonderfully than Mr. Potter 
in the periods of an extempore speech ; and 
though Mr. Beales may be great in jumping 
over facts and through figures, we prefer 
the jumping of Mr. Sanger's Voltigeurs 
and Mademoiselle Gaertner's daring 
bounding act through balloons and over gar- 
ters ; and then, what is the cloudy vagueness 
of platform oratory to the graceful sweep of 
Mademoiselle Ethair's veil, as she floats 
along, the bewitching sylph of the arena? 
Lastly, Mr. Sanger welcomes us to a con- 
gress of all the European monarchs (from 
King John Chinaman, on his dragon, to 
Queen Victoria, on her magnificent car of 
triumph), including not only France and 
Prussia and Russia and Spain and Italy, 
but the Pope, drawn by donkeys, and the 
last unannexed Maharajah on his elephant. 
Now, against all these kings, what have 
Messrs. Beales and Potter to set, but 
King People, who may be the source of all 
power, but, like most sources, gives one very 
little impression, as he is now, of what he is 
destined ultimately to swell into, and who 
is certainly seen to better advantage in most 
of his more usual characters and associations 
than in stopping the thoroughfares, in a 
Demonstration, or listening to inflated bal- 
derdash in the Agricultural Hall, afterwards. 



EVENINGS FROM HOME. 

To Mr. Vining's, the Princess's Theatre, which, in a measure, did 
much content me. The bills say that the author of the piece is Mr. 
Robertson, who wrote Ours ; there is little in the dialogue to connect 
him with this piece. It is all about coal-mining and coal-miners. 
Punningly, the play should have been announced as Mines, by the 
author of Ours. It is such a melodrama as would have admirably 
suited a Minor, or rather, a miner theatre. The dialogue in the front 
of the house was as lively and clever as usual. I will now proceed to 
show you (as the Polytechnic lecturer says before the lights are turned 
down, and he does something sparkling in a jar with two gases) a 
view, before and behind the curtain, of Shadow Tree Shaft, which I 
may call Shadow Tree Chaff 'd ; or Mini/iff and Fining. 

ACT I. 

Scene 1. — Thorniwork's Cottage. Michael Woody art makes love to 
Katie through the window. You see as much of him as you do of a 
Punch-doll in the show. Dakkyn, the villain, appears at window. 
Makes love to Katie. Punch-doll again with his arms over the 
window-sill. His idea of a villain is to appear as if he only shaved 
twice a-week, and then carefully left a little bit of whisker on either 
side. 

Darkyn {making love). I '11 tell you a ghost story about Shadow-Tree 
Shaft. Once upon a time, &c, &c. The two men struggled, &c, &c, 
and the woman, &c, &c, and now every night at twelve o'clock, &c, &c. 

[Katie screams. 

Enter Lady Kenyon. They place a light in the tcindow as a signal. 
Enter Sir Walter Kenyon, changes his coat. Mr. Vining 
as Sampson, appears at the window. 
Mr. Vining (as Sampson). I want a pipe-light. Propria qua; maribus. 
[Quotes from the Latin Grammar, and they immediately let him into 
the house. 
Mr. Vining (as Sampson, to Sir Walter). You are Sir*Walter 
Kenyon. 
Mr Walter (presenting pistols). You know me. 

Sir. Vining (also with pistols). I do. But verbum personale concordat 
cum nominativo. 

Sir Waller (not quite satisfied). Can I trust you ? 



Mr. Vining. Look at me. (Sits on table knowingly.) As in pra;senti 
perfectum format in avi ! ! ! 

{They shake hands, and Sir Walter introduces him as an old friend. 
Mr. Vining. Yes, I 'm a gentleman, disguised as a pugilist. Nothing 
left but my Latin and Greek. Amo, amas, amavi, amare. 

Clever Person in Stalls (later on in the evening). But he doesn't give 
us any Greek. 

Lady Kenyon (who doesn't care about the Latin Grammar). The 
soldiers ! 

Mr. Vining (readily). Come and disguise yourself as Slogger. 
(Encouragingly.) Rara avis in terris — (all wait anxiously, and he re- 
sumes with decision) — nigroque simillima c.vgno. 

[On hearing this Sir Walter at once decides to disguise himself as 
Slogger. Exeunt omnes. 

Scene 2.— The Fair by Night. 

Katie (to Michael, her lover). Take this snow. (Gives him a snow- 
ball, as affection's offering.) And as this snow (she speaks solemnly, and 
Michael takes his hat off) stays in your hand .... (horror-struck.) 
Ha ! see ! it melts ! ! 

[Which, being an uncommon phenomenon with snow when held in a 
warm hand, is evidently an omen of evil. 

Mr. Vining (knocking Darkyn dozen for trying to stab Michael). Romas 
Tibur amem : ventosus, Tibure Romam. 

Darkyn (who has been unconscious for half a minute). Who was that 
went into the booth ? [He alludes to Sir Walter in disguise. 

Enter Villagers quietly, and all suddenly dance. 
Lady Kenyon (stopping them with a procession). Don't let me interrupt 
your festivities. 

[They resume their dancing mechanically. It being late at night, it is 
probable that they all ought to be in bed, and are l/ierefore rat/ter 
sleepy over their steps. 

Enter Captain Mildmay (Mr. J. G Shore) and Soldiers. 

Military Swell (in Stalls). Aw— Irregular troops, eh ? (to his friend) 
I say — they weren't very particular in those days : aw — aw— one fellow's 
got whiskers, another hasn't ; another's got a beard, and another has 
a moustache. 

Lady. What date is it in ? Isn't it the Young Pretender? 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— February 23, 13G7. 




. . 



HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE." 



"SIR, THE MEANING THAT WE ATTRIBUTE TO THE WORDS I HAVE JUST READ IS, THAT, UNDER 
THE CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH THE HOUSE FINDS ITSELF, IT IS IN OUR OPINION EXPEDIENT THAT 
PARLIAMENTARY REFORM SHOULD NO LONGER BE A QUESTION THAT SHOULD DECIDE THE FATE 
OF MINISTRIES." {Loud, laughter at this capital joke.)— Vide Speech of Chancellor of Exchequer, Feb. 11, 1SG7. 



February 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



81 



Military Swell (.who lias passed a first-class examination). Yes, I think 
so. {Hazily.) In The Tree, you know ; and Jacobites. 

[Thinks to himself what a Jacobite was, and if there was any king of 
the name of Jacob : determines to " look it up " when he goes home. 
[Proclamation read, while Mr. J. G. Shore exhibits a pretty view 
of his picturesque coat-tails to the audience: ladies titter. 
Darkyn discovers Sir Walter disguised as Slogger, and is 
about to tell Captain J. G. Shore when the curtain suddenly 
descends. 

Entr'acte. 

Sprightly lady (with eye-glasses). There 's a panorama, moving pre- 
sently. ('To Gentleman of an Uncertain Memory!) There was something 
of the sort in— dear me. [Tries to recollect. 

Uncertain Gentleman. In — urn— urn — oh — (hits off) Barnaby Pogue. 
Sprightly Lady. No, no : Streets of— Huguenots — Ara (thinks) Araby 
Pudge? Wasn't it? 

Uncertain Gentleman. Dear me, it 's on the tip of my tongue — 
not Dickens — no— ah, of course (triumphantly) Arrah-na -Pogue. 

[ They are satisfied. 
One of the Family Parly. Does Bou cicatjlt play in this ? 
[With a general idea that Mr. Boucicault plays in everything. 
Her friend corrects her. 

ACT II. 

Chamber in the Priory. 

Mr. Fining (to Sir Walter, who is still in difficulties). Michael is 
exactly like you, disguise as Michael. For, Tityre tu patulse (con- 
vincingly) recubans sub tegmine (Sir Walter hesitates, Mr. Vining 
finishes decisively) fagi. 

Hearing this, Sir Walter disguises himself as Michael, and then 
follows a panorama of the descent to the coal-mine, which commences 
like the penultimate scene of a pantomime, all in darkness, when the 
Clown says, " I 've found you " (Band, Tiddly iddly-umti, Src.) Then 
in the coal-mine itself Captain Shore and two soldiers descend in the 
bucket, after the manner of three good fairies visiting demons, without 
large pantomime heads. Then Sir Walter escapes, and Darkyn stabs 
Michael in the bucket. When they are irritated, all the miners move 
simultaneously and growl. 

Scene 3. — The Black Country (which is all red on account of so many 

fres.) 
Fining (to Lady Kenyon). 'Tisn't Sir Walter who is killed— cry on. 
Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit. 



lady Kenyon. Boohoo ! hoo ! hoo ! [Audience amused. 

Katie (recognising Michael). Ah ! 
Captain Shore What 's that ? 

Old Man (readily and intensely appreciating t/tc joke). It 's the sight 
of death. 

[Audience amused again. Hit for the old man, who 's only /tad to tell 
a vague story and show a secret door before this. 

ACT III. 
Scene 1. — The Chamber. 
Mr. Fining (as Sampson, to Captain J. G. Shore). Maxima debetur 
pueris. I am Roger Fenwick Mildmay ! 
Captain Shore. My Uncle ! 

[Fide Hamlet, with the addition of "Oh, my prophetic soul." 
Nothing comes of this discovery, but Mr. Vining, as an Uncle 
would, exits through the secret door. 

Scene 2. — The Fir Coppice. A beautiful Snow Scene. 
Katie (taunting Darkyn). There's not a boy who knew you as a 
man, there 's not a man who knew you as a boy, there 's not a woman 
who knew you as a child, there 's not a child — (Dakkyn thinks it 's a 
riddle, and sniggers) — who knew you as a baby — (Darkyn becomes 
bewildered, and grinds his teeth)— that's, not a baby who knew you as 

a youth, there 's not a youth 

[Darkyn unable to stand it any longer, gives it up and rushes at her. 

She dodges him and disappears. Enter, confronting him, Michael, 

who literally " kicked the bucket " in Act II. 

ACT IV. 

Next day after Winter. Summer. Strange climate. 

Sir Michael mistaken for Walter, and Sir Walter for Michael. 

The Two Dromios. Sir Walter going to be led off and shot. Enter 

Mr. Fining. Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen. 
Here he is. 

[Produces Comic Man in muddy dress, who has brought the pardon. 

Comic Man (for whom, as he only comes on just at the end, the author 
has evidently been obliged to write a speech). An d so, Sir Walter, and 

so, Michael 

[Audience begin to leave, not caring for the Funny Maris speech. 

Mr. Fining (cutting him short). And if our kind friends are only satis- 
fied, then I can but lepeat " Verburn personale concordat cum nomi- 
nativo (looking at stalls and pit), innumero (boxes and dress circle), 
et persona (gallery). [Applause. Curtain. 



BOTANY FOR FENIAN BOYS. 

E heard an interesting 
lecture, having a re- 
lation to the subject 
„^A£*V$^|&v]ffev ""^H ^Is °'* botany, delivered 

yesterday, by Pro- 
fessor Vinegar, at 
Chester, to an au- 
dience chiefly con- 
sisting of Fenians, 
specially invited to 
attend in order to 
receive information 
which it concerned 
them to be acquain- 
ted with. The Pro- 
fessor said, — "The 
subject to which I 
would this evening 
direct your attention 
is that of a plant, 
which, though culti- 
vated in this country, 
is a native of Persia, 
and is also indige- 
nous in the East 
Indies ; in making 
which observation I 
hope you will un- 
derstand that I do 
not mean to make a pun. For, indeed the theme of these remarks, the 
plant in question, is no joking matter ; as some of you, if you don't 
take good care, will find. 

Here are some specimens of this plant. I send them round for your 
inspection, that you may know it when you see it again. These 
specimens are dried, and that is the state in which you are most likely 
to make its acquaintance ; but behind me on the wall you see plates of 
it as well. (The Professor pointed out the plates with his wand.) It is one 




of the natural order Cannabinacea y ; which includes two genera, Cannabis 
and Humulus, of which last I shall only say that its principal species is 
that well-known flowering plant the hop, with the properties of which 
you are sufficiently familiar, and some of you, perhaps, considerably 
more familiar than that. The other is the Cannabis saliva, the particular 
one that I want to talk to you about. In a word, my friends, this 
plant, the Cannabis sativa, is commonly called Hemp. 

Now this plant, Hemp, has a rank smell of a narcotic kind. The 
effluvia from the fresh herb affect the eyes and head ; and the narcotic 
principle is, in the Indian variety of it, so powerfully developed as to 
produce intoxicating properties ; it is employed for that purpose in 
the form of bhang or hashisch by the natives, who madden and stupefy 
themselves with it till they become as frantic and senseless as some 
other people whom it is unnecessary to mention. 

It is not, however, by Hemp, taken as a narcotic internally, that you 
are in any danger of being influenced, or affected. Its external appli- 
cation in a peculiar form is that which you appear, some of you, to be 
in a way to experience. The fibres of Hemp twisted into rope were in 
times past a remedy invariably resorted to for the suppression of those 
disorders in the body politic that come under the name of insurrection. 
A ligature was placed round the neck, and by a certain arrangement 
the patient was suspended for a time of some duration ; at the end of 
which he was perfectly cured for his part : and his treatment was found 
to exercise a beneficial influence on others. The use of Hemp for this 
purpose has been for some time discontinued ; but there is a state of 
things which, when past endurance, will assuredly necessitate its 
revival. Now, my worthy good friends, if you will allow me to call you 
so, you are going on in such a way as though you had made up your 
minds, and were determined to bring this state of things about. Permit 
me, in the mildest and most affectionate manner, to point out to you 
that you will, by-and-by, go so far in the road of rebellion that you will 
exhaust the patience of Mr. John Bull, and the consequence will be 
that, one of these flue mornings, we shall see a considerable party of 
you each depending by the neck from a cross-beam at the end of a line 
formed of fibres of the Cannabis sativa or Hemp, and vulgarly 
termed a halter. (Whoops, shrieks, yells, hisses, and a shower of orange- 
peel, amidst which the learned Lecturer retreated.) 



Voting Papers.— Bank Notes. 



82 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Febbuabt 23, 1867. 




"WHAT'S THE ODDS?" 

Purchaser. "He's rather Heavy about the Head, isn't he?" 

Dealer (can't deny it). "Well, Sir! (Happy thought.) But y'see, Sir, he'll hev to Carry it hisself !" 



A LIBERAL BOROUGH. 
Here is a fine opening for a nice young man of business : — 

THE Mayor, Aldermen, and Burgesses of the Borough of Glossop will, 
at the next meetiDg of the Council, consider the appointment of a TOWN 
CLERK : salary £30 per annum for all business except parliamentary business and 
suits at law or in equity. 

" Little to do, and plenty to get, as the soldier said when they ordered 
him fifteen hundred lashes." Such would seem to be the notion of the 
office of town-clerk among the magnates of Glossop. What their 
politics may be, we do not care to ask ; but in one sense, at any rate, 
a borough must be liberal which offers its town-clerk such a splendidly 
fine salary. Thirty pounds per annum ! Only fancy that ! And there 
are merely twenty thousand people in the borough ! Their town-clerk 
must of course be a practising solicitor, and for his thirty pounds 
a-year will merely have to write some scores of letters every week, and 
to advise the Mayor and Aldermen on countless points of law, and to 
peruse and prepare no end of contracts and conveyances, and, indeed, 
to do at least nine-tenths of the law work of the borough. Who is 
there that bids for such a lucrative appointment ? Don't be backward, 
gentlemen of the law, in stepping forward. Only think how perfectly 
the business of the borough will be done, if the doing be but equal to 
the price which is paid for it ! 



CHEAP, AND NOT OVER NICE. 
A Correspondent cuts the following from the Manchester Exa- 



Polygamy and Persecution. 

In Mr. Hepworth Dixon's interesting book on America we are 
informed that the Yankees contemplate making war upon the Saints, 
and breaking up the Mormon settlement of Utah. Had they not better 
abide by the principle of toleration, and let the Mormons remain 
unmolested on a basis of Utah possidetis ? 



N SALE, very Cheap, a PULPIT, suitable for a small Chapel ; also 
a quantity of Hooks and Rails for a butcher's shop. 





This seems rather an odd lot, as an auctioneer would say. But as 
misery acquaints a person with strange bed-fellows, so a Pulpit may 
occasionally be thrown into queer company. Still, a second-hand 
Pulpit is somewhat of a novelty ; and we should think, to make it 
saleable, its pedigree should be described. We should fancy that high 
churchmen would hardly like to preach from the Pulpits of Dissenters. 
Actors have a saying that " the words are in the wig ; " and doctrines 
may be found to have impregnated a pulpit. Were a Wesleyan to 
preach from the pulpit of a Puseyite, what a curious discourse might 
possibly be delivered ! 



To Medical Students. —Be well up in all that is required of you, 
but above all, never be deficient in the sinews — of war. 



Tory Slanders. 

The base, slanderous, and insolent assertion that on the day of the 
Manhood Suffrage Demonstration Mr. Beales (MA.) intended to 
wear a coloured scarf, though he had informed an anxious universe 
that he proposed to wear a white one, was completely contradicted. 
We are, however, requested to state that there was no authority for 
the other malignant rumour that, a cold in the head threatening to 
disable Mr. Beales (MA.) from making his triumphal march on the 
11th, the Manager of Covent Garden Theatre offered as substitute for 
Mr. Beales (M.A.) the celebrated Donkey in AH Baba and the Forty 
Thieves. 



QUESTION FOR MR. DISRAELI. 

Will a Clergyman, holding more than one living, be entitled to a 
plurality of votes ? 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Hc.llord Square, in the Parish of 8t. James, Clerkenwell, in the County ot Middlesex , at the Printing omces of Messis. Bradbury, Evans, 4 Co.. Lombard 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriart, in u-.e City of London, and Published by him at No. «, Fleet Street, m the Pariah of St. Bride, City of London.— Sir osdai, February 2.!, 1867. 



March 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



83 




^<f^> 



COMING TO AN UNDERSTANDING." 

Young Squire Dashborde (to his fiancee). " I say, Loo, when we start our 
Matrimonial Tandem, you know — you 'll let me — that is — I should like 

TO — EH ? — WHAT I MEAN — YOU WON'T MIND TAKING THE SHAFTS, WILL YOU ? " 



TOOL BRITANNIA ! 

Air — " Rule Britannia." 

When Britain first amazed did stand, 
And strove full hard with might and main, 

Her naval grants to understand, 
Her conscience smote her in this strain : 

" Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves ! 

Britons ever will be Routine's slaves !, . 

" Nations not half so blest as thee 
Are guarded well, whate'er befal — " 

Whilst thou art now, though great and free, 
The scoff and byword of them all. 

Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves ! 

Britons ever will be Routine's slaves ! 

" The land of Nelson and of Blake, 

Exposed to every foreign stroke; 
The foe whom erst we made to quake, 

Derides our rotting ships of oak. 
Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves ! 
Britons ever will be Routine's slaves ! 

" Lincoln's M.P. they ne'er can tame ; 

All their attempts to put him down 
Will but arouse his righteous blame, 

And show which way the money's flown. 
Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves ! 
Britons ever will be Routine's slaves ! 

".Mismanagement and jobbery reign. 

Old ships are tinkered up for new, 
And then sent forth upon the main, 

Unfit for work they 've got to do. 
Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves'! 
Britons ever will be Routine's slaves ! 

".When shall an honest Board be found, 

These crying evils to repair ? 
When shall our ships be good and sound.? 

And cost a price that 's right and fair ? 
Fool Britannia ! Britannia fooled by knaves ! 
Britons ever will be Routine's slaves." 



Shortly to be Published, Flirtations for tlie Season, or 
the new Belle's Life in London. 



DOMESTIC COOKERY. 

' Baron Brisse, in La Liberie, publishes daily a fresh bill of fare, 
as a guide to Parisian Housekeepers, which that well-informed light 
of the evening, the Glowworm, reproduces diurnally for the benefit 
of Londoners enfranchised and unenfranchised. Mr. Punch, never 
above taking a hint, hastens to supply a want ; namely, that of a weekly 
menu of breakfasts, luncheons, teas, and suppers. In return for this 
condescension, he pledges himself to give all offers to supply him with 
dinners his immediate consideration. He has, as the theatrical adver- 
tisers say, several dates still open. He wishes to call it 

THE POOR. MAN'S FRIEND. 

Menu for Week ending February IZrd. 

Breakfast for One Person.— Champagne, in pints ; a round of beef, as 
an appetiser ; one dozen fresh eggs ; two dozen oysters ; the tongues 
of five young buffaloes under two years of age, stewed in milk, nutmeg, 
onions and rice. 

This is the overture or preparation to the more serious work of the 
morning. Of course you nave had your cup of chocolate early with 
dry toast. We now come to the breakfast proper. 

Breakfast for One. Old English style. — Two capons stuffed with turkey- 
cocks, peaches, lemons, spices, and a baked ptarmigant, (to be eaten 
quickly, first). Beverage, metheglin, {one pint). 

On reference to a mediaeval work on gastronomy, we find metheglin 
described as " a generous liquor, one part honey to three of water. 

Five reindeers stewed whole, with pomegranates stuffed with sugar- 
canes. Iced cream. 

Luncheon should be a more solid meal than the former. Ox roasted ; 
lambs a la Polypheme ; boiled pig and chestnuts stuffed with truffles, 
the truffles stuffed with oysters, the oysters stuffed with citron and 
brown sugar. Rabbits a la H.R.H. the Prince of Wales. One course 
of Butter Scotch. Cheese. 

vol. lii. l 



Beverages. — Cup a la Peine de Navarre; composed of Champagne, | 
brandy, curacoa, apples, bass, flavoured with tomato, rum, pine apple 
and best Jamaica ginger, and about a quart of old Madeira. 

In the afternoon (about five o'clock) tea, with Devonshire cream : 
muffins, with greengage jam and compo't d'abricots; chocolate, icea 
coffee, crumpets stewed in Malmsey. 

Dinner. — Vide Baron Brisse' s recipes. 

Supper. — 1st Course. Hare and tortoise soup. Iced Punch. 
2nd Course. Green fat, alone. Burgundy. 
3rd Course. Larded veal, braised with mutton cutlets, venison, 

spring chickens. 
4th Course. Ducklings' tongues in sparkling Moselle. 
5th Course. Patties of marrow. Hock. 
6th Course. Two bottles of old Port, grilled bones, kidneys stuffed 

with olives, fried soles, and Severn trout. 
7th Course. Brawn, boiled in oil of Provence. 
8th Course. Plum pudding, with light cutlets of wedding cake. 
Madeira. 
The whole to be washed down with a bottle of Audit ale warm and 
spiced. Then to bed. 

Say that the above serves for the Sunday meals. It might be 
repeated every day in the week. 

On Monday, however, it may be followed by this recipe : — 

2 Pil. node dieque. Haust. nigrum, mane sumend. et repetendum quo- 
lidie, dum iterum bene, tunc He ad latus maris. 

For 4 further particulars vide aliquem Boctorem. 



Persevere. 

Mr. Seely is right. His views of Naval matters may justly be 
termed orthodocks. He is master of his subject, and not at sea. The 
Admiralty must be thrown overboard. 



84 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 2, 1867. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

omplainings against 
France were made in 
both Houses on Mon- 
day, February \%th. 
In the Lords a man 
so named was in- 
vited to the bar for 
printing something 
offensive to Lord 
Redesdale about a 
Mold Railway (we 
suppose this is an 
embankment) and in 
the Commons a 
country so named 
was abused for mak- 
ing England pay 
£116,000 towards 
the expenses of the 
Paris Exhibition, 
Nobody could say 
who was responsible 
for letting us into 
this hole, but we 
made faces, and 
voted £50,000 of the 
sum. It is a flea- 
bite, of course, as 

MR.DlSRAELIWOuld 

say, but even flea-bites are unpleasant to most people. 

Habeas Corpus is again suspended in Ireland. Lord Essex recom- 
mended that severe examples should be made of Fenian leaders. Lord 
Derby said, properly, that every case must be judged on its own merits, 
and, humanely, that nobody could wish to be very severe with minor 
offenders. In the Commons, on the debate on the subject, Major 
Knox was rather explosive about the "ruffians," and he wished the 
Act suspended for a year. Mr. Bright said that such sentiments were 
atrocious. Mr. Ltster O'Beirne wished that Government would 
show their sense of the loyalty of the Catholic Clergy by repealing the 
Ecclesiastical Titles Act. Practically it is repealed, the Romish titles 
are used as matter of course, Cardinal Cullen dines with the Lord 
Lieutenant, Archbishop Manning visits Lord Shaftesbury, and 
if Mr. Whalley does not call himself General of the Jesuits, we pre- 
sume that he has his own reasons — we should not prosecute him. 

Desperate efforts were made to extract some more information out 
of Me. Disraeli, on Reform, but he blandly refused to spoil the 
exquisite pleasure which the House was to receive on the following 
Monday in hearing his revelations en bloc. Mr. Gladstone felt 
obliged to record a sort of renewed protest, but he added something 
not calculated to please sundry. It may be remembered that he refused 
to join the Liberals in throwing out the Conservative Reform Bill of 

1859, and to-night he made it clear that he thought those who rejected 
that measure, and showed no earnestness about carrying another in 

1860, were humbugs. "Such conduct," he said, "must not be 
repeated." The Bright and Beales lot, who are incessantly roaring 
for the expulsion of the present Ministry, will not exactly enjoy this 
backhander. 

The Dog Duty is to be reduced and made uniform. All dogs are to 
pay five shillings. And the police should have power to capture and 
slay all dogs whose owners cannot produce their receipts. We can- 
not see why a stamped collar should not be ordained. It might be 
made an article of luxe for Moppet, and Tatters, and Grimm, and Foxey, 
and Snubbs, and Bogey, and Dot, and the rest of the canine aristo- 
cracy, and a simple badge for the watch-dog, and the cart-dog, and 
their plebeian friends. 

Mr. Disraeli gave an interesting account of the Blacas Collection, 
which Government, with spirit and wisdom, secured for the Museum 
for £45,700, making other Governments savage at England's having 
carried off the prize. Mr. Gladstone congratulated him on the act, 
and incidentally introduced a graceful compliment to Mr. Mill, for 
his splendid address, at St. Andrew's, on Education. Mr. Mill is an 
Elephant. Yes, the remark is perfectly polite, and is intended as a 
compliment. An elephant can root up an oak, or pick up a pin. Mr. 
Mill can command plaudit from Mr. Gladstone, yet can actually 
condescend to be understood by Mr. Beales. 

Lord Naas, having returned from his Anti-Fenian campaign, intro- 
duced a Tenant Right Bill for Ireland. It is in the right direction, 
but was pronounced to be too mild, and also too complicated. 

Tuesday. Lord Carnarvon, in a very good speech, moved the 
Second Reading of the Bill for uuiting Canada, Nova Scotia, 
and New Brunswick. They will form a very noble Confedera- 
tion, and we are glad to know that the scheme is their own. Her 



Majesty would now be Queen of America, had the advisers of George 
the Third, and the British Nation of that day (no skulking, Mrs. 
Nation, you were just as bigoted and arrogant as your leaders) 
showed the same wisdom as has been manifested by the late and 
present Ministers. Lord Carnarvon finished neatly by hoping that 
it might long be said of Canada — 

" Magnae sub ingenti matris se subjicit umbra t " 

She is quite welcome, we are sure, to stand under her great Mamma's 
big umbrella, which is quite another thing from the cold shade of 
the aristocracy. 

Mr. Mill gave a Reform notice worth notice. He means to pro- 
pose that electors (in number to be fixed) shall be able to combine 
with one another, to elect their own representative, by which means 
he considers that real representation of every elector will be obtained. 
His argument on this proposal will be interesting. 

Punch, of course, abstained from reference to the terrible disaster 
on the Regent's Park ice, inasmuch as he never touches a painful 
subject unless there is an object to be gained by his doing so. [Many 
of his well-meaning correspondents do not quite understand this, but 
his Millions do, and appreciate his occasional reticence.] He merely 
records, as a Parliamentary incident that Lord John Manners pro- 
poses to fill up the Ornamental Lake, so as to leave it a depth of tour 
feet only. It is to be hoped that he will do it at once, and not wait to 
poison the Park by disturbing the foul mud when the summer sun is 
upon it. 

Mr. Seely did good service by along and elaborate exposure of the 
" System " at the Admiralty. It put Mr. Punch into such a rage that 
he was just going off to that establishment to whack everybody whom 
he might find on the premises, when he recollected that it was late, and 
that he should not find anybody. In the morning he had forgotten all 
about it. John Boll will behave in exactly the same manner. The 
usual Government excuses and promises were offered, and a few 
damaging admissions were made. But what does John care about 
the squandering and the bad ships ? Some day, when he wants a fleet 
in good condition, he will not find one, and then he will want to 
hang the Department. He had much better overhaul its accounts, 
now. 

Mr. Thomas Hughes brought in a Bill for restricting certain 
Sunday traffic. Much of it, no doubt, is needless, and, as he said, 
nobody wants to buy bull-dog puppies and iron bedsteads on Sunday. 
The Bill is not to affect the sale of liquors. Now, this is a police Bill, 
and therefore Mr. Hughes might properly introduce a clause pro- 
viding that people in Lambeth and elsewhere, who use false weights 
and measures on Sunday, or any other day, shall be set in the stocks, 
but not be pelted except for a second offence. This is tempering 
justice with mercy. 

Wednesday. A Scottish mystery. The Edinburgh people will not pay 
a tax called Ministers' money. But then they do pay it. But the 
receipts are given as for something else. This device was considered 
masterly ana quieting. Mr. D. MTjaren will not be quieted, and 
wishes to disturb the arrangement. Mr. Moncrieff defended it. The 
House was with him, 107 to 74. 

The Ladies' Gallery in the Commons was badly ventilated, it seems, 
but has been improved, and all attention is to be given to it. Mr. 
Bernal Osborne asked whether the brass lattice- work could not be 
removed. Lord John Manners said that Mr. Osborne had raised a 
very delicate question, and an off-hand reply could not be given. Mr. 
Punch cannot understand why the bigoted Commons cannot imitate 
the example of the liberal Lords, who not only admit ladies, but do it 
handsomely, and as becomes gentlemen. Why not assign the front 
rows of the two galleries, right and left, to the ladies ? The sight 
would be much prettier than that of recumbent senators, snoring away 
with their hats over their faces and their trousers wriggled up, to the 
disclosure of their u?ly socks. If Mr. Bernal Osborne will make a 
motion to this end, Mr, Punch will back him up ; and though neither 
gentleman can be higher in the estimation of the ladies than now, it 
will be pleasant to earn new smiles from those who alone make life 
tolerable. [Winks.'] 

Thursday. Lord St. Leonards moved the Second Reading of the 
Lis Pendens Bill. This Lis is not a young lady, as many may sup- 
pose, but is the title of a Bill intended to cure a defect in the Com- 
panies' Winding-up Act. Lis is the Latin for an action at law, and 
vide in Plautus, Nostra omnis lis est — We have won the day. Pendens 
is the Latin for hanging, or depending, and vide in Cicero, Causa; 
ex atemitate pendentes — Chancery suits. " With several other classical 
remarks which I don't remember at present," as Mr. Robert Keeley 
used to observe in that remarkable composition, Our New Governess. 

My Lords had a little Reform Debate, initiated by Lord Campbell, 
who moved a resolution that it was not necessary that all boroughs 
should return Members by the same qualification. But the House did 
not regard this Nibble with favour, and it came to nothing. Note, 
however, that Lord Grey rather approved of Reform Resolutions, 
that Earl Derby stated that there was no intention of transferring 
political power to the Numerical Majority, and that Earl Russell 



March 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



85 



saw objections and advantages in Resolutions, but professed utter 
inability to understand those of Mr. Disraeli. 

Mr. Hardy's meritorious Bill about the Sick Poor was discussed 
and read a Second Time. The Guardians have put the screw on some 
of the Metropolitan Members, who made certain conventional pleas in 
favour of those Highly Respectable Men, but the House understood all 
about it. Bumbledom is getting an instalment of the kicks due to it, 
and shall not, if Punch can help it, be cheated of the balance. 

Friday. Both Houses congratulated the Queen on the birth of a 
Princess to the House of the Heir-Apparent. Mr. Punch joins nobody, 
but sends his own dignified gratulations to Marlborough House and 
"Windsor Castle. 

The Commons made a very long night of it. They growled over the 
splendid (and costly) proposals by the Architects who are competing 
for the New Law Courts. Mr. Punch is not extravagant, but he 
must suggest that when a grand edifice, to adorn London for a thousand 
years or more, is in question, we owe it to the Ages to think less of the 
money than of the result. We are scattering our coin broadcast, 
wasting it in absurdities, and being robbed of it by jobbery, and our 
effort at saving should be in an official direction, not in stunting a 
temple which ought to be a Splendour. 

A debate on Mysore— satisfactory — a capital speech by Sir Rotjndell 
Palmer on reform in administration of justice, law we mean — another 
vain attempt, on Disraelite taciturnity— and the passing the suspen- 
sion of the H. C. in Ireland, occupied the Commons until nearly two 
in the morning. "Whatever may be said of Parliament, it can sit up 
late like a gentleman, as Mr. Disraeli says in Coningsby. 



LOVE v. LITTLE-GO. 

Cambridge, February, 1867. 

WEETEST AND DEAR- 
EST one,- As that 
great and anxious 
event is now so 
rapidly approach- 
ing again for those 
of us who failed 
last time from cir- 
cumstances be- 
yond our control, 
I mean our Little- 
go, that bane of 
our existence and 
the one cloud that 
damps the elastic 
spirits of Junior 
Sophs, (which I 
must tell y oumeans 
undergraduates in 
the second year as 
myself), I must 
seize this present 
opportunity of wri- 
ting to tell you 
that you must not 
be too sanguine of 
my success. I know 
too well that your fond heart imagines all perfection to be centred in me 
in the same way that I regard youas an angel ; but unfortunately, though 
a very pleasant subject for thought, you are a sad hindrance to my studies 
tor this dreadful examination. If I open my Cicero pro Milone you are 
Milo my love, and I tell the State if they banish you, they drive away 
myself, for you are incorporated in my existence. If I open my Xenophon 
1 am making expeditions with my troops for delicacies to delight your 
appetite. You are my Divinity, dearest, this time you are my Mark, 

I flue ...... T . ! . . . I I A A«- -»A_ i /* T T , 1 1. 




the sum total of my existence. In my study of Ratio I puzzle myself 
with this question It I am to you as you are to mc, what is the rest 
of the world to both of us?" These are my troubles, dearest, these 
my painful anxieties that keep me from progress in my studies. Yet 
perish Little-go, perish Degree Examinations, Voluntary, Bishops and 
all, it only you whose very name thrills through me with passionate 
emotion, will admit that you are satisfied, and confer upon me the 
Honour Degree, not of a foolish Bachelor of Arts, but of a husband of 
one Heart and that your own And now, dearest, though I could 
write to infinity on that dear subject of yourself, with very fondest love 
oeueve me, „ 

lours, for ever, 

Captus Amore. 

SUPPLIANTS IN SOUTHWARK. 

In a lately published list of "Public Petitions," there occurs an in- 
teresting entreaty presented to the House of Commons :— 

" B y Mr - Locke, from 31S tradesmen of the borough of Southwark, complaining 
of the present arbitrary and unjust mode of inspecting weights and measures, and 
pray:ng for a searching investigation into the subject, with a view of so amending 
the law that the standard may hereafter be kept correct ; that power may bo given 
to magistrates to dismiss trivial complaints where no fraud or inj ustice was com- 
mitted or intended ; that the penalties and costs may not in future be given to 
persons laying information and otherwise enforcing the law and that the duties of 
inspectors may be accurately defined." 

Part of this prayer will perhaps be granted bv the House, while the 
remainder of it the winds will most likely disperse in air. Parliament may 
be expected very willingly to order a searching investigation into the 
present mode of inspecting weights and measures, which possibly is 
rather uncertain and inadequate than arbitrary and unjust. Tne Legis- 
lature will probably be quite willing to appoint that investigation with 
a view of so amending the law that the standard may hereafter be kept 
correct, and likewise that small shopkeepers may be kept correctly 
thereto. Nor is it likely to refuse the concession to Magistrates of power 
to dismiss trivial complaints where no fraud or injustice is committed 
or intended, at the same time conceding to them the power to inflict 
severer punishments than they now can on rogues unmistakeably 
guilty of cheating or intending to cheat. An accurate definition of the 
duties of inspectors, unhappily necessitated by the great commonness 
of false weights and short measures in the possession of tradespeople in 
a small way of business, is a boon which the collective wisdom will 
doubtless be disposed to confer— if it can. 

But as to the request that the penalties and costs incurred by the 
use of fraudulent scales, weights, and measures may not in future be 
given to informers, and persons otherwise enforcing the law, this both 
Lords and Commons will surely agree in leaving to be dealt with by 
King jEolus and his ministers. Indeed it is a point on which the 
petitioners must hope for no more favourable answer than " You be 
blowed ! " 

Perhaps, indeed, the Legislature, in its wisdom, will see fit to double 
the fines of which a share is to be obtained by bringing falsifiers of 
weights and measures to justice, and will, moreover, subject those 
rascals to a long term of imprisonment and hard labour. 




_ _._, ~»-- >»y, ..uv, n«o voiiiui o ouu, uu wmcu i answered heir. 
I tried my Paley, but could get no further than the first consideration, 
lor that was you. If I ever look at my Grammar, you are the only 
proper construction, you are my personal pronoun and' my best relative, 
you are my much-wished-for conjunction. I can never parse you by 
as I do my Verbs, for your voice is always Active, and your mood is 
1 otential. In my thoughts you are present, though perfect, you are 
the hrst person and yet the second, but always singular in your beauty 
and love In my Euclid your happiness is my " problem/' your love 
is my Theorem," and that you should ever prove faithless to me my 
reduchoad absurdum." In my Arithmetic I fare still worse : my In- 
terest all flies away to you, you are the Addition to my happiness, the 
Subtraction from my loneliness, the Multiplication of my income, and 
the Division of my care. You are all Profit to me and no Loss, and 
the satest Investment I ever made : you are no Vulgar Fraction, but 



A SUGGESTION FOR MR. SPURGEON. 

At the Newington Sessions, a few weeks ago, sixty-two tradesmen 
of the neighbourhood were convicted of having in their possession false 
scales, weights, and measures. Their united fines amounted to more 
than £150. Beneath one of the scales its ingenious proprietor had 
affixed " a piece of putty ; " to the bottom of another his compeer in 
cleverness had fastened " a religious tract and some dripping." The 
putty was pretty well for a make-weight ; but perhaps the religious 
tract with some dripping did better. The religious tract might have 
been heavy enough to serve the purpose which it was applied to, with- 
out the dripping; but then it would not have stuck. To give the 
religious tract the requisite adhesiveness, the rogue, whom no doubt it 
had previously edified, was obliged to combine it with grease. In its 
own way, perhaps, it was greasy enough before it received that addition. 
Religious tracts, popular in the neighbourhood of Newington, have 
mostly an uuctuosity of their own. Mr. Si'tjrgeon will perhaps 
instruct his local hearers that this should suffice them. Peradventure 
he will admonish them that a tract which is unctuous in itself is fat 
enough, and that loading it besides with dripping, to stick it under 
scales with, is cutting it too fat. 



Pretty Compliment. 

Let rival Church and Chapel claim 
You, Mellor, as a son ; 

Like every English Judge, you are 
An Independent one. 



Topographical Definition.— Cavendish Place. A Tobacco pipe. 



86 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 2, 1867. 




PHYSICAL STRENGTH v. INTELLECT. 

Tom (who has been " shut up" by (he CricMen-Wcc accomplishments,/)/ his cousin Augustus). "I tan't Sing, and i tan't 'peak 

FrENSS— BUT I TAN PUNSS YOUR 'ED ! " 



A BLOCK ON THE LINE. 

Our five-million-horse-power Engine 

Called " Reform " is off the rails ; 
On the sleepers hard impinging, 

Hindering passengers and mails ! 
Stopping trains it ought to quicken, 

Staying work it ought to do, 
Every hour it lingers, thicken 

Block, bad language, strain and stew. 
Can't we heave the Engine back 
From the sleepers to the track t 

Hustling, bustling, bawling, brawling, 

Calling one another names, 
'Gainst each other pully-hawling, 

Spoiling one another's games ! — 
This is not the way to do it, 

Yet 'tis work that must be done : 
The steam 's up, and we shall rue it, 

If she bursts ere she can run. 
Come, — a long pull and a strong, 
All together, can't be wrong ! 

How she frets, and fumes and whizzes ! 

Well her safety valve is free : 
Let her blow off — while she fizzes 

No blow-up we 're like to see : 
All the same it is a pity 

So much steam should go to waste, 
Only deafening the city, 

Hindering, not helping, haste. 
Still if we must choose, once more, 
Roar or ruin, let 's have roar. 

How now, mates ? Not yet done talking? 
Jawing yet 'bout schemes and skills ! i 



Work, or else your chalks be walking, , 
And leave room for better wills. 

Long pull, strong pull, pull together ' 
Never was more need, I trow ; 

Clap on to the tackle tether, 
With a will, heave, high and low ! 

Wherefore waste in squabble sore 

Strength, that 's wanted— all, and more ? 

Little Johnnt, lend your best, 

Learnt from eighteen thirty-two : 
Bright expand your ample chest, 

Not to cuff, but help things through. 
Lowe, your centre-bit of brain 

And your lamp of logic bring ; 
Gladstone, with your sinewy strain 

Strengthen Dizzy's looser string- 
Union 's strength, and strength prevails, 
Hoist tho Engine on the rails ! 



Jerusalem the Stuffy. 

In the Lower House of Convocation, the other day, Sir Henry 
Thompson presented a gravamen from himself. It represented that 
the Jerusalem Chamber, which the Lower House sits in, is too small 
for its occupants, and badly ventilated ; and therefore prayed the 
Archbishop or Canterbury to convene that Reverend Hoase in 
some other chamber, or suitable building. If the Jerusalem Chamber 
does not suit the Lower House of Convocation, they might find one 
which, for any purpose that they answer, would be suitable enough, 
at Jericho. 

UNEXPECTED DEPARTURE. 

At the Zoological Gardens, Regent's Park, on the morning of the 
14th instant, the Sea Bear. His end was a hook, which he had swal- 
lowed. Naturalists will not be pleased to receive this intimation. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAPJVART.— March 2. 18fi7. 




A BLOCK ON THE LINE. 



Superintendent Bull. "COME, LOOK ALIYE ! I MUST HAVE' THE RAIL CLEARED. THERE ARE NO 
END OF TRAINS DUE." 

Johnny Russell. " IT *S MY JOB, SIR, IF YOU PLEASE." 

John Bright. " HIS JOB ! BEST LEAVE IT TO ME AND MY MATES " 

Ben Dizzy. "OUR GANG 'LL MANAGE IT, IF YOU'LL 'LEND A HAND, BILL GLADSTONE." 



March 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



89 



A SWEET THING IN CHIGNONS. 



Ukcle Teazle. 



Fanny. 



Here is a microscope, to study 



AN ADDITION TO THE ADMIRALTY. 



Uncle. Now, mv dear Fanny, it is your birthday. Let me see how 
old are you ? Not yet arrived at years of discretion eh ? _ Well, my 
dear, here is a little present for you-£ little scientific instrument. 
Science is fashionable now, you know, 
minute botany with— and entomology. 
Fanny. Oh, thank you, Uncle ! 

Uncle. Entomology ; science of insects you know Minute ento- if l[y . [n moderate st , and it would be h to make m — 

mology ; of insects not visible to the naked eye. _ Mites in cheese, tor j famUies comfoi;table for life> What bad acctmnt ° 3 the Admiralty must 

keep when their expenses are calculated so unequally ! All this would 
be avoided if they would only always pay their bills and file them 
regularly every week. 
Then in one dockyard an article which costs only lis. id. amounts to 



Mr dear Mr. Punch, 

The other day, for fun, I took up a newspaper and read one 
of the debates in Parliament. It was about the Admiralty. Well, I 
was astonished to see the extravagance and mismanagement that have 
been exposed in ship-building. Mr. Seelt says the Frederick William 
cost £281,091. Sir John Pakington declares he cannot make out that 
she cost more than £197,000. Only fancy ! I wish I had the difference 
between those sums. It would make one's husband and children happy 



Hist 3.11 CG 

Fanny. Nasty, horrid things ! . 

Uncle Well if you like better, diminutive water-insects ; the water- 
flea and the cyclops— and such. But I suppose you would wish to 
eschew mites. I mean not eat them ? 

Fanny. Oh, yes, Uncle ! ^-.u. 

Uncle Then you should examine your cheese. With this you can. 
Other things also, besides cheese. There is cheese— and there are 
chignons. „ , . 

Fanny. "Chignons" and "cheese" sounds funny. 

Uncle. Yes, my dear. Alliteration. But cheese and chignons have 
more in common than Ch 
cheese " eh ? 

Fanny. They are the fashion, Uncle, dear. 

Uncle Yes ; they are the fashion. So were fronts in my young 
days- Both false hair. Wise ladies then wore it before ; now they 
wear it behind. The dandies of the day used, as they said, to quiz it. 

Fanny. Quiz? 



£1 11*. in another. So there must be cheating either in quality or 
price, and perhaps there is in both. And then all manner of stores 
and things go nobody knows how. All this Sir John Pakington 
admits is owing to " a certain laxity with which the whole system is 
carried on." The laxity is certain enough. And he says he is " con- 
templating measures " which he hopes will check that laxity. I am 
. afraid, Mr. Punch, that he is not contemplating the only measure 
However, you think chignons are the which ' ^ pogsibly ^ ft What they ^ ant 8 at the Admiralty is 

somebody to go shopping, that knows how to deal with the contractors 
and other tradesmen, and take care they do not cheat. They want one 
who would see that everything was locked up, and then they would 
have none of that waste going on, which is perfectly dreadful. In 
short, besides those Lords of the Admiralty, that know nothing about 
management, if you want things properly seen to, you mu3t have a 



it was one of their slang words-derived from looking ; ^S'^^ 
e-glass, called a.quizzing-glass Meant to inspect, as it , ^ fc here ig Go J V( 



UhcIg. Yes. 
through an eye-glass, called a. quizzing-! meant ro i apees, as u , ^ fc here ig Go V emmetl t bringing forward a string of Resolu- 

were, and ridicule. Now, their successors, the swells, quiz chignons. tions to hang ft ndoTm Bi]1 0Q( not one of vhich p ropo3e s to give us 
But you can quiz your chignon yourself— with your microscope. | SQ much as a yote for Members f the House f Commons, where by 

Fanny. Why should I, Uncle f . i r j gb t we ought to have seats ; because who can possibly be so well 

Uncle. To see if it contains any gregarines I ^^^^(1 ^ we are w ith the business of the House ? There was a 

Fanny. Gregarines ! Law, I should think they were pretty. j tim t when th thoug;llt no i ady cou ] d know Latin ; but now, my 

Uncle. No, my dear, they are parasites. .Parasites ot parasites. i dear Mr Punch j know will t stare at t h e signature, in a female 

Fanny. Now, nonsense, Uncle. I know what a parasite is : One . , n f « » -n 

who Suents rich tables, and earns his welcome By flattery."-DR. hand > of Audi Alteram Partem. 



Uncle. " The little fleas have other fleas, and smaller fleas to bite 
'em. Those smaller fleas have lesser fleas ; and so ad infinitum. Fleas 
are parasites. But gregarines are not fleas. 

Fanny. I should hope not. But what are they, then t 

Uncle. "Little dark brown knots," my love, which are seen at the 
free end of the hair, and may even be distinguished by the naked eye. 
These are gregarines." They are the discovery of a M. Lindbmann, 
a Russian professor, whose country has doubtless afforded him a fine 
field for observation in this branch of zoology. 

Fanny. Zoology, Uncle ? . 

Uncle. Yes, my dear. These little dark-brown knots are not inani- 
mate objects. 

Fanny. Ugh ! . 

Uncle. They " have a most ignoble ancestry and habitation, being 
found in the interior of" 

Fanny. What? 

Uncle. Never mind. They are, as I said, parasites of 'parasites. 
" They are not easily destroyed. They resist the effects of drying and 
even of boiling." Nothing, in short, but corrosive things that injure 
the hair will kill them. 

Fanny. Oh, the horrid things ! Oh, the abominable, dreadful, dis- 
gusting, nasty creatures ! 

Uncle. According to M. Lindemann, seventy-six per cent, of the 
false hair used for chignons in Russia is infested with them. 

Fanny. That 's enough, Uncle ! 

Uncle. In the conditions of a ball-room he says, they grow and mul- 
tiply ; fly about in millions, get inhaled, drop on the refreshments — in 
fact 

Fanny. Oh, Uncle, don't say any more, please. Stand out of the way 
from the grate, do. I won't wear the thing another moment. (Tears 
off her Chignon.) 

Uncle. Stay ; wouldn't you like to examine it ? 

Fanny. No ! There ! (Flings it into the fire.) There 's an end of it ! 
Uncle. And its inhabitants. Well done, Fanny ! Let it blaze— with 
them. And now, by way of substitute for a chignon at your poll, to wear 
a chaplet, circlet, or whatever you call it, on your crown, here, take 
this bank-note. Now you will show that you have a taste of your own, 
and leave gregarious young ladies to wear chignons with gregarines. 
(Scene closes.) 



P.S. If I were Lady of the Admiralty, of course I should give balls 
every week in the season. 
PP.S. But not out of the public money. 



PIETY AND PROPERTY. 



THE FIRST WEED. 



The practice of smoking is of older date than is generally supposed. 
Every schoolboy has heard of the Baccha of Euripides. 



An eye to real piety is often found accompanying an eye to real 
property ; and a regard for Christian character is not seldom united 
with a sharp look out for cash. Else we should not see so frequently 
advertisements like this : — 

A CHRISTIAN gentleman wishes to meet with a LADY of decided 
piety, to keep his house. Preference wiU be given to one having a little pro - 
perty of her own, as no salary can be given, but a comfortable home may be depended 
on. Address, including carte, M. P., &c. 

Doubtless, preference will be given to a pretty face as well as to a 
pretty property ; or the applicant would not oe asked to send her 
carte. Indeed, we fancy the advertisement should have been headed 
" Matrimonial," and we believe the " Christian Gentleman" would 
not be found particular in the matter of the piety, if the property of 
the lady were placed beyond all doubt. 



A CAREFUL CHIMNEY SWEEPER. 

Is it not by law " defended," as the French say, to send children up 
chimneys ? If so, should not Master Chimney Sweeps be hauled over 
the coals for sweeping chimneys thus : — 

" William Burgess, Chimney Sweeper, No. 36, Bolton Street, Chorley * * flatters 
himself with having boys of the best size for such branch of business suitable for a 
Tunnel or Chimney, and that it is now in his power to render his assistance in a 
more extensive manner than he usually has done. He also carries his boys from 
room to roim occasionally, to prevent them staining ' or marking any room floor 
with their feet." 

William Burgess is extremely careful of the carpets, but does his 
carefulness extend to the boys he carries over them ? Of course it may 
be urged that lads get used to soot, as well as eels to skinning. But is 
it not a cruelty to make boys climb a chimney ? and is it not rather cheeky 
in a Chimney Sweep to snap his sooty fingers at the law, and send 
about a " card" like that which we have quoted ? For fear that the 
Humane Society should hear of it, we recommend this William 
Burgess, in proclaiming what his practice is, to do so solto voce. 

Poetical Licence.— A Music Hall's. 



90 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



March 2, 1867. 




THE RIGHTS OF REFORM. 

Bob Lowe, thou dearest friend of Bkight's, 

In politics have no men rights ? 

Then A has no more right than B, 

"Which latter hath as much as he. 

How much ? The right of doing nought.? 

Nay, but of doing what he ought. 

So rights and duties are the same, 

And every man the right can claim 

Of doing that for which he 's fit, 

If he do right in doing it ; 

The right in making laws to bear, 

In due proportion, such a share 

That neither Capital, nor Labour, 

Nor Land shall overrule its neighbour. 

Read the Reform Bill now that places 

Reform exactly on this basis : 

But, on a broader or a straiter, 

Read that which puts it six months later. 



LITTLE HEATHEN! 

Arthur {coming out of church). " Mamma, how pretty that Lamp and ^all the 
other Lights and Flowers were ! Was it a Pantomime ? " 



OLD QUESTIONS ANSWERED. 

Why does a miller wear a white hat ? Not always to 
keep his head warm. In hot weather he wears it to keep 
his head cool. A miller wears a white hat because he can- 
not help it ; or because it pleases him. 

A herring and a half for three-halfpence, how many 
herrings for threepence? Not necessarily three. The 
values of the halves of a herring may be unequal. One 
selling at a halfpenny, the other may sell at a penny or a 
farthing. Besides, one whole herring would probably fetch 
more than the sum of the prices of its two halves sold 
separately. 

Who was the father of Zebedee's children ? Eor aught 
we know, Mrs. Zebedee's first husband. 

Where was Moses when he put the candle out? In 
the daylight very likely. Perhaps he had lighted the candle 
to seal a letter. 



The Age of Steam. 



A eine old English gentleman, seeing the numerous 
large advertisements which adorn the Metropolis, re- 
marked with joy that the days of posting had returned. 



PERSECUTION AT WOLVERHAMPTON. 

The subjoined telegram, which has appeared in a daily paper, is 
evidently the communication of a bigot : — 

" Disturbance at Wolverhampton. (By Telegraph). — A man named William 
Murphv, secretary to the Protestant Electoral Union, while lecturing at Wolver- 
hampton last evening against Popery, was opposed by a number of Irishmen, who 
shouted forh*lf an hour, and then commenced an attack on the lecturer and his 
supporters with broken-up chairs." 

In saying that the faithful Irish attacked the lecturer and his sup- 
porters with broken-up chairs, the author of the foregoing statement, 
fanatic as he must be, can never have meant to accuse them of employ- 
ing material weapons in religious discussion. By broken-up chairs this 
perverse Protestant merely intends, in a clumsy figure of speech, to 
signify the usual arguments which Roman Catholics are wont to rest 
upon, refuted long ago, as he thinks in his prejudiced stupidity. Instead 
of using violence to convert their adversaries, the devout Irishmen, of 
course, betook themselves to intercession ; and his assertion that they 
shouted for half-an-hour is founded on a mere misapprehension of the 
fact, that, during all that space of time, they were reciting prayers. In 
t he conclusion of his story, however, there is no doubt too much that 
is literally true : — 

" The police rushed in, and six rioters were arrested. The lecturer was sent off 
with a police escort. Some Magistrates were present." 

Yes. We know what justice zealous Roman Catholics, particularly 
Irish, might expect to meet with at the hands of English Justices of the 
Peace. It is more than credible enough that the Magistrates who were 
present at the controversy between the heretics and the true believers 
at Wolverhampton countenanced the police in apprehending the 
champions of the faith on the merely specious pretence that they were 
actually fighting for it. 



Danger to Commissionnaib.es, ok " Killing no Murder."— The 
Law provides no punishment for despatching a messenger. 



JOKES AND JUSTICE. 

What fun it is to hear the jokes made in our Law Courts ! To sit 
upon a jury must be well nigh as amusing as to go and see a panto- 
mime. The other day, for instance, before Lord Chief Justice 
Bovill, an action was brought against a printer of house-paper, who 
had infringed the copyright of Rosa Bonheur's Horse Fair ; and this 
is how the jury were jocosely entertained : — 

" Sir R. Collier. The copy was of course imperfectly done, but still it was a 
copy, and not the less so that there was a great deal of colour about it. 

" The Lord Chief Justice. Not the less a copy, because it was a colourable 
copy. (Laughler.)" 

Ha! ha! ha! capital, your Lordship. How the jury must have 
roared ! And what fun for them to listen to such pleasantries as this : — 

" Sir R Collier asked the jury to imagine if they could Madlle. Rosa Bon- 
heur's feelings when she became aware that copies of her picture were pasted in a 
public-house. 

" The Lord Chief Justice. It would increase her popularity. 

" Sir R. Collier. But she did not want that kind of popularity : she was not a 
candidate for a borough. (Lavgkter.)" 

Here the laughter is misplaced. We think his Lordship's little joke 
about increase of popularity the funnier of the two. And then how 
facetiously he began his summing up : — 

" The Lord Chief Justice doubted whether what the defendant had done would 
injure the sale of the plaintiff's engraving." 

Merely copying, or cribbing, an original design is an offence not 
much worth mentioning— at least in Euglish Law Courts. If a paper- 
monger copied the cartoons in Punch, and printed them in colours to 
decorate a tap-room, it might be argued, as a colourable pretext for his 
piracy, that he intended to " increase the popularity " of Punch. 



Ironical. — It is well understood at Whitehall that it would be 
dangerous in Sir John Pakington's hearing to make use of the 
common expression, " Please the pigs." 



March 2, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



91 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{Birthday Party at Byng's. Festivities.) 

Bell sounds for dressing. 
There are, I subsequently 
discover, bells to prepare us 
for every meal, aud a gong 
when the meal is ready. 
The first bell sounding one 
hour before dinner merely 
indicates that another bell 
is coming in half-an-hour's 
time, which, when it sounds, 
means that there's one 
more bell to inform the 
household that time's up, 
and then the boom of the 
gong puts all further 
chances out of the question, 
finisliing the preparatory 
process with the decision 
of an auctioneer's hammer 
knocking down " gone ! " 
In Johnny Byng's house 
everything is done with 
military precision. The 
Ladies say to one another, 
" Well, I suppose we must go up now," for everyone makes a point 
of either not knowing which bell it is — uncertainty on this subject 
being an invariable excuse for lateness at dinner or luncheon — aud I 
take Johnny Byng aside, and explain to him that as I thought there 
were no ladies there, I had brought no dress-clothes. He says, " it 
doesn't matter, p'raps I can rig you out for to-night, and to-morrow 
you can send up to town." 

The rigging out results in a black velveteen shooting-coat and waist- 
coat to match. With a black-tie I feel almost in full dress. I always 
find somebody else's clothes suit me better than my own. Byng has 
a pair of patent leather boots by him that no one else can wear. The 
very things for me : more comfortable than any I 've ever had made 
for myself. 

Happy Thought, — Say jokingly to Byng, " I shall keep these boots." 
He laughs and doesn't say no. Shall let the servant pack 'em up when 
I go. 
Bell. Gong. 

Happy Thought on hearing Gong. — " Walk up, walk up, just a-going 
to begin." Say it : not a success as a joke. Milburd tells me after- 
wards that the ladies thought it rather vulgar. Shan't say it again. 

Drawing-room. Ladies all in full grand toilet. I feel inclined to 
apologise, but getting near Fridoline Symperson (who is superior 
to mere outward show, and looks lovely with her silky golden hair — 
it used to be darker — and thin dark eyebrows) I tell her how I 
abominate evening dress, and what a comfort it is to be in an easy 
velveteen coat. " I wonder," I add, " why everyone doesn't adopt the 
fashion." Milburd, who overhears my observation, asks me loudly, 
" if I ever heard of the monkey who had lost his tail ? You know," he 
continues, seeing he has got an audience, — {Note, a man who talks 
loudly and authoritatively before women can always get an audience 
specially in the few minutes before dinner. Typical Developments. 
Chapter on Superficiality, Book X. Vol. XIV.) " The monkey who lost 
his own tail told everyone that it was the more comfortable fashion to 
go without one ! " 

Miss Fridoline laughs. Everyone is amused. Is there impiety in 
wishing that the power of brilliant repartee could be obtained by 
fasting, humiliation, and a short stay in a desert. 

Happy Thought— Desert : Leicester Square. I think this : how well 
it would have come out in conversation. I hesitate, as thev might think 
it vulgar. 

Byng, who is the courtly host, introduces me to a Miss Pellingle. 
[I don't catch her name until the following morning.] 

Happy Thought.— Why should not introductions be managed with 
visiting cards ? 

Being introduced to her, I am on the point of asking her if she is 
engaged for the next dance (my fun) when the gong sounds again, 
and she says that she supposes it must be for dinner. Butler announces 
" dinner " to us, having just announced it to himself on the gong in the 
hall. Byng leads with elderly lady, .who crackles, as she moves, with 
bugles and spangles on a black dress. The middle-aged gentleman I 
find belongs to her, and both together are some sort of relations of 
Johnny Byng's. All here are, I discover, more or less related to 
Byng, only as he has no brothers or sisters, you have to get at their 
relationship by tracing marriages and intermarriages in connection with 
Byng's whole-uncle William and his half-aunt Sarah, which he 
tries to explain to me late at night. 



Happy Thought. — I say to him jestingly, " If Dick's uncle was Tom's 
son, what relation was," and so forth. He is annoyed. {Query vulgar?) 

Dinner.— As I pass Byng, he whispers hurriedly, alluding to my 
partner, " She 's been to Nova Scotia. Draw her out." After twice 
placing a leg of my chair on my partner's dress, and once on that of the 
lady on my left, we wedge ourselves in. I begin to laugh about these 
little difficulties, and seeing Miss Pellingle look serious, I find I 
have been jocose while Byng (behind a lot of flowers where I couldn't 
see him) was saying grace. 

Happy Thought. — Exert myself as a conversationalist, and try to 
draw her out about Nova Scotia. Begin with " So you 've been to Nova 
Scotia?" She replies, " Yes, she has." I feel inclined to ask, " Well, 
and how are they?" which I know would be stupid. {Query vulgar ?) 
I should like to commence instructing Iter about Nova Scotia. 1 
wish Byng had told me before dressing for dinner : he 's got a good 
library here. 

Happy Thought. — Draw her out in a general way by asking, " and 
what sort of a place is Nova Scotia ? " This I put rather frowningly 
as if I 'd received contradictory accounts about it which had deterred 
me from going there. 

She answers, " Which part ? " 

Happy Thought. — To shrug my shoulders and reply, " Oh, any part," 
leaving it to her. She begins something about Halifax, (Halifax I 
remember of course, and a song commencing, "A Captain bold in 
Halifax ;" don't mention it, might be vulgar) when we hear a noise as 
of a band tuning outside the window. Byng explains that, being his 
birthday, the band from Dishling (Byng's village) 

" And " puts in the Butler, with the air of a man who knows what 
good music is, " the band from Bogley " 

Byng adopts the Butler's amendment, " the bands from Dishling 
and Bogley come to play during dinner." 

Milburd makes a wry face. The united musicians commence (in 
the dark outside) an overture. We listen. Byng's half-aunt pretends 
to be interested, and asks, after a few bars, " Dear me, what 's that 
out of?" 

I think. We all think. 

Except, Milburd, who exclaims, " Out of ? Why out of tune, I 
should say." All laugh. Milburd, I suppose, is one of those wags 
who " set the table in a roar." Pooh ! Vulgar. 

Miss Pellingle turns to me and observes, " that was very funny, 
wasn't it ? " 

Happy Thought. — To reply deprecatingly, " yes : funny, but old." 

The bands from Bogley and Dishling get through the overture to 
William Tell. 

Happy Thought {which has probably occurred to the leader of the united 
Dishling and Bogley Bands). — When there 's a difficulty beat the drum. 

Another Happy Thought {which, probably, has also occurred to the 
leader). — Ophicleide covers a multitude of sins. 

Byng goes out to address them. He likes playing, as it were, the 
" Ould Squire among his Happy Tenantry," or " The Rightful Lord 
of the Manor welcomed Home." The manor consists of a lawn in 
front, a garden at the back, and a yard with the dog in it. The united 
bands being treated to two bottles of wine, offer to play for the rest of 
the night. Offer declined. Milburd says, " there wouldn't be much 
rest of the night, if they did." Table in a roar again. I smile : or they 'd 
think me envious. 

Happy Thought.— Funny, but not new. 

Ladies retire. Fridoline passing me observes, " You seemed very 
much interested in Nova Scotia." 

She has gone before I can reply. Is it possible that * * Is she 
* * * I wonder * * because * * * if I only thought that she * * * 
I should like to know if she meant * * * or was it merely * * * * 
and yet * * * 

Happy Thought.—! will. 



REMISSNESS REPRIMANDED. 

It is right that naval officers should know that it is their duty to 
keep a sharp look-out. This they will understand from study of the 
following paragraph of news : — 

" Court-Martial on Mr. B. Swain. — Plymouth, Wednesday. A Court-Martial 
was held to-day at Devonport on Mr. Edmund Swain, the Master in charge of her 
Majesty's ship, Dryad, when she was stranded in Whitesand Bay on the 13th inst. 
The evidence proved that at the time of the accident the weather was very foggy, 
and the Dryad's compass was 15J points wrong through local attraction, cause! by 
the vessel's iron beams. The prisoner was severely reprimanded, and admonished 
to be more careful for the future." 

No doubt he will. Lest a worse thing than a reprimand befall him, 
he wdl take all the care he can, whenever he is at sea, to prevent the 
weather from being foggy, and to hinder the iron beams of the vessel 
that he is in charge of from attracting the compass. 



Bad News for Puppies. — Dog-Tax reduced— no exemptions. 



92 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 2, 1867. 




A FAMILY MAN. 

Cabby. " Vy, I 'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum, — not so 'andbome as your little Dears, Mum, I don't say, — an' 
d'you think I'd go for to overcharge for 'em ? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little 'earts !" &c, &c. 

[Claim allowed. 



THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUBS WHO SIT UP 
ALOFT. 

Respectfully Dedicated to Lord John Manners. 
(by a marrying member.) 

Go, talk to misogynist muffs and M.P.'s 

'Bout sheep's-eyes, want of room, and the like ! 
Put the ladies where they can be seen, we can see, 

And neither for squeezing would strike. 
Though Tory and Liberal dames sat as tight 

As herrings, the press they 'd abide ; 
We 'd settle our boundary questions all right, 

And they 'neath reefed crinolines ride. 
With a row of sweet faces, and bright eyes, or soft, 

Our gallery why mayn't we pack, 
While the sweet little cherubs may sit up aloft, 

To keep watch o'er the life of poor Jack? 

Who 's " poor Jack," to have cherubs thrown in with his payj 

And his chances prize-money to touch, 
While our cherubs still are poked out of the way, 

Like odalisques housed in a hutch ? 
Can it be, as 'tis whispered, your married M.P., 

Who don't like the ladies to show, 
Lest too close the watch of wives' lorgnettes might be 

Of Hub's post on the benches below P 
For like other Clubs, the House serves, but too oft, 

As excuse for liege Lords, who 've grown slack, 
To leave wives, not like cherubs, to sit up aloft, 

And sulk till stray sposos come back. 

To Manners I 3aid, when I saw he fought shy 
Of Bernal's warm petticoat plea — 



" The state of a House that 's not under the eye 

Of a woman a bad state must be. 
Por ever since Eve upon Adam began, 

'Tis the influence of woman that rules, 
Por woman makes manners, and manners make man, 

And her smiles are the pleasantest schools. 
Then why her sweet sway should our House only lack 

To make the rude tame, the hard soft ? 
We 've as much right to our ducks, to perch up aloft, 

As to his little cherubs poor Jack." 

I admit your M.P. should be flint at a pinch, 

That he always should answer the whip ; 
Nor from all the bright eyes in Belgravia should flinch, 

If they wooed him in voting to trip. 
But witch'ry 's most witching from under a veil, 

Half-hid beauty 's more fatal than bare, 
And perhaps, while the ladies are parted per pale, 

One may fancy more charms than are there ; 
Then M.P.'s, let 's be men, masks and muzzles have doff d, 

Bid all grilles and gratings go pack. 
And let 's seat the sweet cherubs in sight up aloft, 

To rain smiles— from the Speaker's Ghair-back ! 



Giants of Art. 



Foreigners in general are possessed with a persuasion that English- 
men cannot make a statue. They ought to be disabused of this error. 
It would be easy to show them that we have made two statues. Let 
the Corporation of London send Gog and Magog to speak for the 
sculpture of their country in the approaching Great French Exhibition. 



Topographical.— "Perambulator" is right in his supposition. 
Lord Brougham's London residence for many years was Vauxhall. 



P.inted by Joseph Smjth, of No. 24, Hoitord Square, in the Pansnof St. James, Clerfcenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Bran, ,4 Co., Lombard 
Street, li the rrecinct of Wnitefriare, in the City of London, and PubUahed by him at No. 84, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bnde, City of London.-SiTt-aoit, Majx-h 1, 18S7. 



March 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



93 




RATIOCINATION. 

'Spectable Mechanic (" as usual " on Salicrday afternoon). " Pen'th ' Nailsh ! " 

Chemist and Druggist (indignantly). "Nails, Sir! Get along with you out o' my Shop ! I haven't got any Nails." 

Mechanic. "Ain't got 'ny Nails! (Ponders.) Wha' d' yer Scrash y'r 'ead wi' then, Gov'n'r?" 



THE ECLIPSE OE THE SUN, 

On Wednesday, March 6, 1867. 

Late as Members went to bed from debate on Tuesday night, 

Some get up on Wednesday morning soon after it is light. 

What has roused them from their pillows ? Not business ; they have 

none. 
They arise betimes to see the Eclipse of the Sun. 

There is Derby's noble Earl, who has left his couch, no doubt, 
If he 's not (and may he not be) kept to it by the gout. 
There is also John, Earl Russell, as probably, for one 
Up early to observe the Eclipse of the Sun. 

For there 's scrubbing, and there 's tubbing, and dressing to get 

through ; 
Our ablutions matutinal demand some time to do. 
And the man who, Peer or Peasant, would go with them undone, 
Is a Pig not fit to see an Eclipse of the Sun. 

With the lark see Gladstone stirring, and Disraeli quite as soon, 
To survey the sun's disk screened by the intervening moon. 
The political horizon with dense clouds may be dun : 
They but care lest clouds should hide the Eclipse of the Sun. 

In the times of old, no science when party leaders knew, 
They 'd have looked on the Eclipse with the crisis in one view, 
And regarded as an omen of office lost and won, 
In the battle of Reform, this Eclipse of the Sun. 

But that wonder in the heavens now your statesman only reads 
To discover the corona, rose-flames, and " Baily's beads," 
Looking through a darkened spy-slass, for science, or for fun, 
With uninjured eyes to view the Eclipse of the Sun. 



SINGULAR CHURCH SERVICES. 

Some people have queer notions of the fitness of things.' For 
example, see this programme : — 

" CARTSBURN CHURCH. CELEBRATION SOIREE. 
Praise . . . One Hundredth Psalm. 
Chairman's Address. 

Chorus . . " Glorious is Thy name." 

Address. Rev. Dr. M'Culloch. 
Service of Pastry. 

Anthem. » • • Address. » » * Anthem. • * * 
Service of Confections. 
Organ Performance. Scotch Aim. 

Address. * » * Scotch Song. » ♦ » Address. * * » 
Service of Fruit. 
Doxoloov ..." Now to Him who can uphold u»." 

The irreverent might say that the choice of this doxology was by no 
means inappropriate, for after having stuffed themselves with pastry, 
fruit and sugar-plums, the company might find it. not so easy to stand 
upright. We wonder, was the " Scotch song," " Willie Brewed a Peck 
o' Maul," or one even more convivial ? Surely, something in the way 
of drink must have been needful to wash down the apples, tarts, and 
lollipops. It lias been said that Englishmen do nothing in the world 
without making it the plea for having a good dinner ; and Scotchmen, 
it would seem, when they celebrate the opening, or restoring, of a 
Church, make the ceremony an excuse for a quantity of eating. Be- 
tween the psalms and anthems in this " celebration soiree," we cannot 
help conceiving that a service of prayer would have been more seemly 
than a service of pastry. 



proverbial philosophy. 

It is no use placing a roast leg of mutton before a man who^can't 
help it. 



VOL. LIT. 



94 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 9, 1867. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

ifficult, disagreeable, 
and discouraging was 
the duty that devolved 
on Mr. Disraeli 
during the dreary de- 
velopment of the Der- 
byite devices on the 
day devoted to that 
demonstration of debi- 
lity. This was Monday, 
February 25. But he 
had promised that on 
that day he would give 
the House of Commons 
the ideas of the Con- 
servative Cabinet on. 
the subject of Reform, 
and he kept his word. 
Mr. Punch would be 
glad to know how many 
more Constitutions he 
will have to tabulate 
daring the present Ses- 
sion. It is quite certain 
that this one will not do, though it has some good things in it. 

The important items be these : — 

1. Four New Franchises (1) Educational. (2) £30 deposit in a Savings' Bank. 

(3) £50 in the Funds. (4) One pound a year direct taxation. 

2. A £6 Hating Franchise in boroughs. 

3. A £20 Rating Franchise in counties. 

"Whereby Mr. Disraeli guesses (" Well, as you guess ? " as King Richard says) 
lie shall add 400,000 voters to the present number, but his antagonists allege that 
lie will do nothing of the kind. 

4. Great Yarmouth, Lancaster, Totnes, and Reigate to be disfranchised, pro 

criminibus, and their forfeited seats to be given to new places. 

5. Members to be given to twelve new places. 

6. Tower Hamlets to be cut in two (many Hamlets that we have seen and 

heard deserve this) and two new Members given. 

7. Eight counties or divisions to be split again, whereby fifteen new county 

Members. 

8. A Member to the London University. 

9. A Member to be taken away from each of twenty-three boroughs. 

10. Plan for detecting and punishing Bribery, and for cheapening elections. 

11. A Royal Commission on Boundaries. 

Thus thirty new seats are to be given in all. " 

Mr. Disraeli praised the Reform Act of 1832, but said that its blemish was the 
ignoring the rights of the working classes, a fault which he thus proposed to remedy. 

That is the Derby Reform scheme of 1867. Or it may be. Why Mr. Punch 
writes hypothetically shall be seen. 

The Chancellor of the Exchequer was very coldly received, even by his own 
party, and he had the further discomfort of knowing that at least four of his 
colleagues were almost as much his antagonists as the men whom he confronted. 

Mk. Robert Lowe was the first to attack. He called himself an " outcast," 
who was therefore in a situation to speak his mind. He spoke it smartly and 
sharply, and ridiculed the Resolutions, which he said were intended only to keep the 
Government in place. Why was the mark of Cain to be put upon the Ministers 
that nobody might kill them ? A way would be found to kill them, if necessary, in 
spite of any resolutions that could be devised. He was not satisfied with a 
£6 rating— it would not settle the question. But he was not going to leave the 
recent "Demonstrations " alone. Those in the country had failed to take hold of 
the public mind, and those in London demonstrated nothing but the impotence 
and vanity of their authors. It is not by men decked in ribbons and bedizened 
with scarves that the foundations of imperial policy are laid. (Mr. Potter and 
Mr. Beales (M.A.) have since been perfectly frantic against " that man Lowe.") 

Nevertheless, Mr. Bright complimented Mr. Lowe (a ceremony foreshadowed 
by Mr. Punch at Christmas), and complained that attempt was made to Ameri- 
canise our institutions. He generally condemned the plan, and made fun of a 
possible Ratcatcher, who, paying five shillings a tail for four dogs, under the new 
Dog Bill, would have a vote. 

Mr. Walpole said that this was a large, complete, and comprehensive measure. 
When the subject should be fairly discussed, there would be little difference of 
opinion between parties. He said, and be good enough to observe this, that the 
Cabinet would stand or fall by any of its propositions which it deemed Vital. 

Mr. Laing complained that Scotland got no new Members. 

Mr. Gladstone duly noted and was glad of the Vital statement, complimented 
Mr. Disraeli on his clearness, disbelieved in his calculations, ana said that the 
scheme did not propose to introduce the real Working Class. The Bill of last 
year did. After some minor objections, Mr. Gladstone said that he had no 
objection to proceed on Resolution, but it must be a resolution embodying the 
plan the present Government had announced. To this they must be pinned. 



Whereat the Liberals cheered loudly and significantly. He 
hoped they should not be asked to proceed on the Resolu- 
tions of last week. They had better be withdrawn, that a 
Bill might be brought in. 

Mr. Disraeli, not in a way that indicated great delight 
at the course of things, said he was willing to meet Mr. 
Gladstone's views, and abandon some of the Resolutions. 

Mr. Roebuck sweetly suggested that the House was 
being trifled with. 

Matters were to stand over until the Thursday. But 
on Tuesday there was a great Liberal muster at Mr. 
Gladstone's house, his hall was crammed, and Lord 
Russell, the host, Mr. Bright, Mr. Clay, and Lord 
Grosvenor addressed gentlemen from the landing, and 
divers things were said to the effect that the Government 
should have fair play, but had better deserve it. Mr. 
Gladstone wrote out a notice which would have bothered 
the Administration. But 

Mr. Disraeli, at the earliest moment, apprised the 
House that in deference to the general feeling he threw up 
the Resolutions, and would endeavour to introduce a 
Reform Bill on Thursday week. 

Mr. Gladstone wished he had said so before. The 
Opposition, however, reserving its right to decide whether 
it would be possible to permit the Second Reading of that 
Bill, would, if at all possible, endeavour to consider the 
Bill in Committee. 

Mr. Bright obligingly tendered to Lord Derby's 
Cabir.et the counsel he had given last year to Lord 
Russell's, namely to bring in separate Bills for the 
franchise and for the redistribution. 

Lord John Manners made rather a good hit, saying 
that he should like to ask Lord Russell what he thought 
of last year's advice from Mr. Bright, and its result. 
But the ultra-radicals never will take a joke in good part 
like gentlemen, and Lord John Manners is abused for 
patrician flippancy and bad taste. 

Once more, Reform blocks the way. That Mr. Glad- 
stone and Mr. Disraeli, who conferred in a retiring 
room, could arrange the question, and let us get on with 
business, Mr. Punch has set forth his belief in one of the 
immortal Cartoons. But with Cranborne, Walpole, 
Peel, and Lord John Manners tugging at Mr. 
Disraeli's coat-tails, and with Mr. Bright and sundry 
others shoving Mr. Gladstone, the situation is made 
difficult. The recalcitrant party in the Cabinet, however, 
have taken their stand on the scheme above described, and 
unless they yield, and Mr. Disraeli has leave to modify 
it, of course everybody sees what must happen. 

Proceed we now to the smaller matters which have 
occupied the Lords and Commons. " Dates of no conse- 
quence," as the Irish gentleman said when he had nobly 
accepted a lot of bills. 

At last something occurs to put Lord Russell in a 
good temper. He gives his "cordial assent" to the 
renewed suspension of the Habeas Corpus Act in Ireland. 
Mr. Newdegate's distress at Dr. Cullen's being called 
a Cardinal Mr. Disraeli kindly endeavoured to assuage 
by assuring Mr. Newdegate that Sir Robert Harry 
Inglis was most polite to Dr. Wiseman, though he came 
before a Committee in full Cardinal's fig. Colonel 
Anson advocated the use of native Indian soldiers for 
colonial service, and got a committee. Mr. Buxton 
informed us that Lieutenant Brand had sent him an 
ample and excellent letter of apology for the unbecoming 
letter which removed the Lieutenant from the Service. 

The Commons passed by 195 to 93 a Bill for allowing a 
Roman Catholic to be Lord Lieutenant or Lord Chan- 
cellor of Ireland, and Mr. Whalley has been called to 
order by the Speaker for saying that the Catholics encou- 
rage Fenianism. We do not like to trouble Dr. Cumming 
this week, because the papers say (and we know not what 
they have to do with it) that he has been awfully pilled at 
the Athenseum Club, or else we should ask him whether 
the world is not already at an end. By the way, did his 
proposer, half a dozen years back, believe the Doctor's 
promise that the world should be at an end before the 
election ? 

Finally, on the Friday night, Mr. Disraeli promised 
that on the following Monday he would say when he 
would introduce a Reform Bill. Does the public know 
how much these Constitutions cost ? The bill for preparing 
the Reform Bill of 1859 was £3,608 17*. 2d. ; the twopence 
we believe having been the amount presented to the 
crossing-sweeper at Westminster Bridge by Mr. Disraeli. 



March 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



95 



OBIIT 27 FEBRUARY, 1867. 

A word of mournful record. A glorious painter, a 
brave and good man, has passed away, in the fulness of 
power, from amid the honour of his nation and the love of 
his friends. It were unjust to his fame, did we now praise 
his matchless works, it were untrue to his friendship did 
we here extol his modest virtues. Where artistic genius 
is revered, there is sorrow that such a hand should 
be thus early stayed from its triumphs— a deeper and 
more abiding sadness is with those who knew the noble 
heart of John Phillip. 



CONTROVERSIAL SHILLELAGHS. 

Me. Punch, 

Suppose I were to tell Professor Tyndall that chemistry 
was all humbug, or to say to Sir John Herschel that astronomy was 
mere moonshine, or declare to Pkofessor De Morgan my conviction 
that algebra was a pernicious delusion, and geometry a soul-destroying 
imposture, do you think that those philosophers would either of them 
get into a rage with me ? Would they regard me with any other 
feelings than a mixture of wonder, pity, and contempt, and look 
upon me as anything better or worse than an amazing and unhappy 
fool? 

Who are the sort of people that flare up when you abuse, or ridicule, 
or deny the truth of the opinions which they a^sert to be science ? 
Mr. Bumfass, the phrenologist, Mr. Colney, the mesmerist, Mr. 
Hatch, the spiritualist, and Mr. Zadkiel, the astrologer. These are 
the gentlemen who get into a rage with assailants of their hobbies : 
vituperating and scoffing at them, and calling them Faradays and 
Brewsteks, and other names. 

Now, Sir, the next time you smoke a cigar with Dr. Manning, I 
wish you would ask him to say to which of the two kinds of persons 
above indicated, the Irish at Wolverhampton, who have been try- 
ing to refute a Protestant lecturer with bludgeons, in his judgment 
belong. 

Perhaps you will also invite Dr. Manning, and likewise Dr. Newman 
if he should drop in, to consider over their grog why it is that whilst 
the cultivators of such sciences as astronomy and chemistry treat gain- 
sayers with indifference, the votaries of phrenology, mesmerism, spiri- 
tualism, and the like, are generally exasperated by opposition. Should 
they try to evade your question by objecting that nobody does, in fact, 
abuse astronomy and chemistry, don't pin the case to those two parti- 
cular sciences. There's geology; that has, within man's memory, 
been abused and ridiculed enough. Yet what geologist ever returned 
railing for railing ? There is also the medical profession, accustomed 
to have its scientific truths disputed and derided. What do medical 
men care about that? — although an attack on their science is an 
attempt at invading their bread and cheese. Insulted Physic never 
throws bottles. 

The reason why men of regular science are unmoved, and the others 
exasperated by contradiction, I suspect to be simply this difference 
between them, that the former feel quite sure that they are in the right 
and the latter do not. I wonder whether even Mr. William Howitt, 
if he were obliged to bet a thousand pounds for or against the truth of 
any spiritual phenomenon, of which the truth or falsehood could be 
ascertained, would bet for it. 

People who entertain what is called a belief in the marvellous, do 
not, in fact, generally altogether believe it. They love it, they like to 
imagine it true, and they passionately wish to be confirmed in the idea 
that it is true. But they are not entirely satisfied of its truth. They 
are only very much inclined to believe it. The denial or the ridicule of 
it opposes their inclination. This enrages them. 

What harm can you do an) body by abusing his religion? If he is 
confident that it is true, he must feel assured that you can harm no one 
but yourself. When people are angry because their faith is attacked 
can that be for any other reason than because their faith is shaken, 
and shaken because it is shaky ? Let me commend this question to 
the faithful Irish at Wolverhampton and elsewhere— and also to their 
superiors. They may answer my argument by calling me Gallic- if 
they like. I am no such person. I am, yours truly, 

Abraham Brown. 



THE SAVAGE ART OF HAIRDRESSING. 

The saying that there is "nothing new under the sun " may be cer- 
tainly admitted to be true to a hair, if we read what has been written 
by Sir Samuel Baker : — 

"The women of Latooka wear Lilse hair like horses' tails, made of fine twine' 
smeared with grease and red ochre to give it the fashionable colour. " 

So, then, the latest novelties of fashion are not novel; and Miss 
Smith, who buys a chignon, or dyes her hair light red, is merely taking 
a leaf out of the fashion-books of the ladies in Latooka. How con- 
soling must this fact be to the mind of Mrs. Grundy ! Delightful, is it 
not, Ma'am, to think that our dear girls, with their now fashionable 
head-gear, are merely copying the coiffure of the she-savages of 
Africa ! 

Hear, too, what Sir Samuel says about the Swells of Latooka, who 
are every whit as particular to a hair as any of the Swellesses : — 

"The Latookas wear most exquisite helmets, all of which are formed of their 
own hair, and are of course fixtures. . . . European ladies would be startled at the 
fact that to perfect the coiffure of a man requires a period of from eight to ten years. 
. . . The thick crisp wool is woven with noe twine, formed from toe bark of a tree, 
until it presents a thick network of felt. ... A strong rim is formed by sewing it 
together with thread ; and the front part of the helmet is protected by a piece of 
polished copper ; while a piece of the same metal, shaped like the half of a bishop's 
mitre, and about a foot in length forms the crest. . . . No helmet is supposed to be 
complete without a row of cowrie shells, stitched around the rim, so as to form a 
solid edge." 

We repeat, there is no novelty beneath the Solar System. Here in 
civilised England, Swells frequently bestow more care upon the outside 
of their heads than they devote to the inside, and precisely the same 
thing, we find, is done in savage Africa. Our dandies very often spend 
a great part of their lives in parting their back hair, and cultivating 
their moustaches ; but they are not more attentive to their hirsute 
decoration than the dandies of Latooka. The " thick network of felt " 
these latter wear upon their heads, must be well-nigh as distressing as 
the high-crowned hard black hats with which we gentlemen of England, 
who seldom walk at ease, are needlessly tormented. Mais ilfaut souffrir 
pour etre Swell .- and comfort and convenience must give way to fashion 
and appearance, both with the Swell of London and the savage of 
Latooka. 



THE MODERN MEDEA. 



That a lady should stew down her father-in-law, 

At first blush may seem petty treason, 
But no crime in the process antiquity saw 

In the case of Medea and jEson. 
For she cut the old man up, then boiled him to rags, 

Entirely by way of revival, 
And a young face he 'd got, when he stepped from the pot, 

With a figure Adonis to rival. 

Exactly as she did has Dizzy proceeded, 

The old Reform Bill to renew, 
Cutting up its provisions in small propositions 

Laid out for the House's review. 
And now the whole lot we have seen go to pot, 

Not the ven'rable question to kill, 
But that out of the mess there may spring up no less 

Than a young, big, and beautiful Bill ! 



A SAMPLE OF STAGE-SLANG. 



For 



The Practice of Vivisection, 



Mr. John Bright objects to the cruelty of Vivisection. And there- 
fore he insists upon it that the Conservative Reform Bill should be 
killed, before dissection, aud not cut up alive, as Mr. Gladstone and 
his followers seem disposed to treat it. 



What queer language is used in theatrical advertisements ! 
instance, only look at this : — 

WANTED, to Open Immediately, a Few Useful UTILITY LADIES 
and GENTLEMEN ; also, a Good Juvenile to combine Walking Gentlemen. A 
Good Private Appearance Indispensable. Money sure. To save time, state Lowest 
Terms. No stamp. Three days' silence a negative. Stars may write at once. Mr. 
H. L. will oblige by sending Scrips at once for Easter week's Bus. 

" Useful utility " seems rather a redundancy of speech, as much 
indeed as talking of black negroes, or white snow. And how is " a 
good juvenile to combine walking gentlemen ? " Is he to come behind 
them slily, and pin their coat-tails together ? If so, we should be apt 
to call him a bad boy, rather than a good juvenile. Then, how odd it 
seems to stipulate for a "good private appearance" in an actor, and 
say nothing whatever about his public appearance, which certainly 
must be the more important of the two. As to what on earth is meant 
by " sending scrips for Easter week's bus," our wits have been so much 
congealed by the cold winter, that we own we are completely at a loss 
to give a guess. 

Awful Sign.— The Standard, (March 2nd,) " entreats Ministers to 
re-consider their course on Reform." It is " convinced that they have 
1 made a Serious Mistake." After that . 



96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 9, 1867. 







ANSWERS FOR OUR ARTIST. 

" Biddy Maloney, just you look at that Clock ! Didn't I tell you last Night to Knock at my Door at Eight this 
Morning ? " 

"ax' so ye did, slk, and i came to the door at elght sure enough, but i heard ye was making no noise at all ! " , 
"Well, why the dickens didn't you Knock, and Wake me?" 
" Sure, and because I feared yez might be fast Asleep ! " 



" OLD KING COLE." 

Old King Cole was a stirring soul, 

And a stirring soul was he : 
He told the public to put in their pipe 

And smoke what he willed to be — 
He pooh-poohed the Privy Council, 

Laughed Royal Commissions to scorn, 
Aii'l the more they tried to put him down, 

The higher waxed his horn ! 

Old King Cole took tax and toll 

01' the grants for Science and Art : 
Bring schools on their knees, for alms or fees, 

But give him the lion's part. 
Whate'er lacked oil, the Boilers must boil, 

South Kensington wax fat 
On purchase and loan, though a bare-picked bone 

Be flung to all but that. 

Old King Cole never scratched his poll, 

But out of it flew a scheme — 
Now a Central Hall, with a heavy call, 

And an estimate like a dream : 
Now a picture-show to draw high and low, 

Now a horticultural fete, 
With the Princes to walk, and the Nobs to talk, 

And the Queen to inaugurate. 

Old King Cole could bore like the mole, 

Or like the eagle fly : 
There was nothing too heavy and nothing too hot, 

For old King Cole to try — 



Prom coaxing the Rothschilds their treasures to lend, 

Without a penny of pay, 
To getting her Gracious Majesty 

To bis Mumbo-Jumbo play ! 

But at last King Cole with wrath the RollJ 

Of the Commons has dared to fill, 
When for the great First of April show 

He sent in his little Bill. 
A hundred and sixteen thousand pounds, 

And as much more falling due ! 
No wonder the House of Commons looked black, 

And the Treasury looked blue. 

But old King Cole, with Stoic soul 

Explanation vouchsafed none. 
Of where the money had come from, 

Or whither it had gone. 
And to reason from things that we have seen 

To things that we shall see, 
His purse John Bull will have out to pull, 

And King Cole still King will be ! 



A Returnable Compliment. 

What, is the Admiralty going to show its museum of Naval Archi! 
tecture, and the War Office its Gun-shed, Pattern Hospital, and Com- 
missariat Establishment, at the Great French Exhibition ? Should an 
international exhibition ever be held at Newcastle, our lively neighbours 
will perhaps think fit to honour it with a contribution of coals. 

New' Dish for^a Wedding Breakfast.— Curried Favour. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— March 9, 1867. 




BEFORE THE TRIAL. 



Me. Gl-dst-ne. "WE COULD SETTLE IT IN FIVE MINUTES, YOU KNOW, IF " 

Mb. D-sk-xj. "YES, IF THE 'PARTIES' WOULD ONLY LISTEN TO REASON." 



March 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



99 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(At Byng's. The Drawing Boom. Variations.) 

Going to the Drawing-room. 

Old Mr. Symperson, Fridoline's father, has been telling very 
ancient stories. So has Byng's Whole Uncle. 

Happy Thought. — Laugh at all Old Symperson's stories and jokes. 
It is difficult to show him that not a word of his is lost upon me, as 
there are five between us. Byng's Whole Uncle, encouraged by this, 
tells a long story, and looks to me for a laugh. No. 

Happy Thought—Smile as if it wasn't bad, but not to be mentioned 
in the same breath with anything of Old Symperson's. 

Milburd (hang him !) interrupts these elderly gentlemen, (he has 
no reverence, not a bit,) and tells a funny story. Old Symperson is 
convulsed, and asks Byng, audibly, who Milburd is ? 

I wish I could make him ask something about me. 

Happy Thought.— Picture him to myself, in his study with his slippers 
on, giving his consent. 

I get close to him in leaving the room. He whispers something to 
me jocosely as Byng opens the drawing-room door. I don't hear it. 

Happy Thought. — Laugh. Note. — You can enter a drawing-room 
easier if you laugh as you walk in. 

The Whole Uncle enters the room sideways, being engaged in ex- 
plaining details of the cocoa-nut trade (I think) to a resigned 
middle-aged person with a wandering eye. Byng is receiving " many 
happy returns's " from guests who have come in for the evening. Old 
Mr. Symperson is being spoken to sharply, I imagine from Mrs. 
Symperson's rigid smile, on the subject of something wliich " he knows 
never agrees with him." Milburd is, in a second, with Fridoline. 

Miss Pellingle is expecting, no doubt, that I am going to ask her 
for some more trifles from Nova Scotia. I avoid her. 

Happy Thought. — Look at Byng's birthday presents arranged on the 
table. Think Fridoline looks at me. Am I wasting my time ? I 
think I must be, as Byng comes up and asks me if I am fond of pictures? 
I should like to say, " No : hate 'em." What I do say is, " Yes : 
very." I knew the result. Photograph book. Seen it before dinner. 

Watch Milburd and Fridoline. Try to catch her eye and express 
a great deal. Catch his : and he winks. He is what he calls " having 
a chat " with Miss Fridoline. 

All are conversationally engaged except myself. I hate all the people 
in the Photograph book. Shut it. Byng is ready at once for me. Am 
1 fond of ferns ? 

Happy Thought— To say " No! " boldly. 

" You'd like these though, I think," he returns. "Miss Fridoline 
arranged a book of 'em for me for my birthday." 1 say " Oh ! " This 
would have led to conversation, but I will be consistent in saying " I 
don't like ferns." [Note for Typical Developments, Chap. II. Book XIII. 
p. 6. " Monosyllabic Pride : false."] 

1 take a seat near the ottoman where she and Milburd are sitting. 
Difficult to join suddenly in a conversation. Hunting subject. She 
expects me to say something, I am sure. Feel hot. Feel that my hair 
and tie want adjustment. Cough as if I was going to sing. Milburd 
(idiot) says, " He hopes I feel better after that." I smile to show that 
1 consider him a privileged fool. Wonder if my smile does convey this 
idea. Try it in the glass at bed -time. 

Will touch him sharply. 

Happy Thought.— -Say pointedly, " How often it happens that a person 
who is always making jokes, can't take one himself." 

He is ready (I admit his readiness) with a repartee. " You ought," 
he says to me, ' to take jokes from any one very well." I know I do. 
Miss Fridoline asks why ? I think he 's going to pay a tribute to 
my good-nature. Not a bit of it. He says, " He finds it very easy to 
take jokes from other people : it saves making them for himself." 

[Happy Thought.— Note for Repartee. — What I ought to have said. 
" Then, Sir," (Johnsonian style) " I will make a jest at your expense." 

Odd ; it is past midnight as I put this down. It strikes me after 
the candle 's out, and just as I am turning on my sleeping side. By 
the light of the fire I record it. If this conversation ever recurs, I 
shall be prepared. 

Another Happy Thought. — Wake Milburd, and say it to him now. 

Would if I knew his room. Bed again. Think I 've thought of 
something else. Out of bed again. Liglit. Odd : striking the lucifer 
has put it (whatever it was) out of my head. Bed again. Strange.] 

Miss Pellingle is kind enough to play the piano. While she is 
performing, I can talk to Fridoline. 

Miss Pellingle having to pass me on her road to the instrument, I 
am obliged to rise. 

Happy Thought— Say, " You 're going to play something P That 's 
charming." 

She drops her fan, and I pick it up. She is already preparing for 
action at the instrument, when I return the fan. Byng whispers to 
me, " Thanks, old fellow ! You know all about music : turn over for 
her, will you? Clever girl! Think I told you she'd been to Nova 
Scotia, eh ? " And he leaves me at the piano's side. 



Happy Thought.— To look helplessly towards Fridoline, as much as 
to say, " See, how I am placed ! I don't want to be here : I wish to be 
by you." 

She doesn't seem in the least interested. 

Miss Pellingle commences " Rousseau's Dream" with variations. 
Beautiful melody, by itself first, clear and distinct. Only the slightest 
possible intimation of the coming variations given by one little note 
which is not in the original air. 

Happy Thought. — Turn over. 

" No, not yet, thank you." Too early. 

A peculiarly harmonised version of the air announces the approach 
of variations. Two notes at a time instead of one. The " Dream " 
still to be distinguished. Miss Pellingle jerks her eye at me. 

Happy Thought. — Turn over. 

Beg pardon : two pages. Miss Pellingle's right hand now swoops 
down on the country occupied by the left, finds part of the tune there, 
and plays it. Left hand makes a revengeful raid into right hand 
country, bringing its part of the tune up there, and trying to divert the 
enemy's attention from the bass. 

They meet in the middle. Scrimmage. Tune utterly lost. 

Happy Thought. — Turn over. 

Tbo late. Steam on : hurried nod of thanks. Now again. The 
right hand, it seems, has left some of the tune in the left hand's country, 
which the latter finds, and tries to produce. Right hand comes out 
with bass accompaniment in the treble, and left hand gives in. Both 
meet for the second time. Scrimmage. 

Happy Thought. — Between two hands " Rousseau's Dream " falls to 
the ground. 

Now the air tries to break out between alternate notes, like a pri- 
soner behind bars. Then we have a variation entirely bass. 

Happy Thought. —Rousseau snoring. 

Then a scampering up, a meeting with the right hand, a scampering 
down, and a leap off one note into space. Then both in the middle, 
wobbling ; then down into the bass again. 

Happy Thought. — Rousseau after a heavy supper. 

A plaintive variation.— Rousseau in pain. 

General idea of Rousseau vainly trying to catch the air in his own 
dream. 

Light strain : Mazourka time. — Rousseau kicking in his sleep. 

Grand finishing up : festival style, as if Rousseau had got out of 
bed, asked all his friends suddenly to a party, and was dancing in his 
dressing-gown. I call it, impulsively, by a 

Happy Thought. — " Rousseau's Nightmare." 

All over. Miss Pellingle is sorry to have troubled me: I am 
sorry she did. I leave her abruptly, seeing Milburd, has quitted his 
place and Miss Fridoline is alone. I sit down by her. {Note. I 
ought to have spoken first and sat afterwards.) 

Happy Thought.— Say " I 've been trying to speak to you all the 
evening." (Very hot and choky.) 

She replies, " Indeed?" I say, "Yes." Think I'll say that I 
wanted to explain my conduct to her — think I won't. 

Happy Thought. — " Hope you 're going to stop here some time ? " 

I explain that I don't mean on the ottoman, but in the house. Oh, 
then," she says, "not on the ottoman." That was rude of me — 
accordingly, I explain again. My explanations resemble Miss Pel- 
lingle's variations, and, 1 feel, mystify the subject considerably. I tell 
her I am so delighted to meet her again. I am going to say that I 
hope she is delighted at seeing me. 

Happy Thought. — Better not say it : think it. 

Want a general subject for conversation. 

Happy Thought (after a pause). — Her mother. 

Say what a nice old lady her mother is. I wish I hadn't, it's so 
absurd to compliment a person on having a mother. Say I didn't 
know her father before to-night : stupid this. No, it isn't,* she says, 
" I hope we shall have the pleasure of seeing you when you visit our 
part of the world again," — meaning Plyte Fraser's part of the world. 

Happy Thought.— Express rapturous hope. Hint that there may be 
obstacles. " What obstacles ? " Now to begin : allude first to inter- 
change of sympathies, tlien to friendships, then to 

Byng begs pardon, he wants to speak to me. He and Milburd 
have got some fun, he says. The evening 's dull, and we must do 
something cheerful at Christmas time. They take me out of the room. 
Byng mentions charades, and dressing up. 



Abyssinian Reflection. 



Why is it improbable that King Theodore, of Abyssinia, will ever 
reverence the majesty of English Law ? 

Because an English Beke was brought before him, instead of the case 
being vice versa. 

A traveller's observation. 

Tiie Mormons appear to have turned their territory to good account, 
in one word, to have Utah\lsed it. 



100 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 9, 1867. 




CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL. 

Cousin Lizzie. " Now, Charles, when you are near me, you really must 
not go on your Knees! — People are sure to make Remarks." 



"OH, WHALLEY, WHALLEY!' 

Air — " Oh, waly, waly, up the bank, 

Oh, icaly, waly, down the brae." 

Oh, Whalley, Whalley, quit the ranks, 

Oh, Whalley, Whalley, cease thy bray ! 
As Protestantism's fool, thy pranks 

Too long we 've seen thee play. 
In vain on Papacy's red rag 

Thou calls't John Bull to sally : 
He pins no faith on Newdegate, 

ISJo mouthpiece owns in Whalley. 

What is the change of times to you ? 

What common sense or reason ? 
The Pope is still the Man of Sin, 

Justice to Papists treason. 
Around the Irish Orange flag 

You 'd still have England rally, 
Under the blatant leadership 

Of Newdegate and Whalley. 

Five million Irish Papists to 

A Protestant half million ! 
Looming a-head, see, vision dread, 

Vespers like the Sicilian ! 
See Gullen cutting Trench's throat, 

And, set up as Aunt Sally 
Por Papist mobs, the severed nobs 

Of Newdegate and Whalley ! 

A Romanist Lord Chancellor, 

A Papist Lord Lieutenant ! 
False doctrine robed upon the Bench, 

And in the Castle present ! 
Colman O'Loghlen's bill made law ! 

With fact such things may tally, 
But Papist facts aren't facts at all, 

Por Newdegate and Whalley. 

Is tolerance the text of texts 

Por Protestantism's preaching ? 
Is private judgment corner-stone 

Of Protestantism's teaching ? 
Then Protestantism's boat can't be 

The "No Surrender" galley, 
Where, blind to fact, and deaf to sense, 

Bow Newdegate and Whalley ! 



A MODEL HERO OF MODERN ROMANCE. 

{Carefully compiled by Mr. Punch from various authentic sources.) j 

eader, how shall I limn this man 
for you, when the very sun has 
failed to do him justice — when 
the first photographers of the 
day have been driven baffled into 
their cameros obscuri ! How ac- 
count for the fearful impression 
that Vavasour Brabazon de 
Vere made on all women who 
crossed his path ending but too 
often in the madhouse and the 
grave ! And yet he stands before 
me now as he stood then, in that 
crowded assembly where he first 
met the Honourable Lady 
Velvetina Tresilian— loung- 
ing nonchallantly, as was ever 
his wont, against the faded wall- 
flowers of that exquisitely 
decorated sale de bal, breathing 
proud insolent defiance on one 
and all ! 

Pew men could tell his age, 
nor his height, nor whither he 
came from, nor whence he went 
when he went away. . . Wo, alas ! 
to those who could ! Few women 
knew the colour of his tawny 
eyes for the thick settled gloom 
that shrouded them like a pall; and those who did had long since 
expiated that fatal knowledge under slabs of moss-grown granite 
and pillars of broken marble, inscribed with a name, a date, and 




C M C HTON 



nothing more ! . . . . Eyes full and heavily under-hung — bloodshot 
with imperial Norman blood ! who could forget them who had once 
shrivelled and laid bare their souls under the scapulary of their cold 
indifferent gaze ? They had that strange quality peculiar to Paul 
Potter's portraits of the Plemish aristocracy, that seem to follow you 
whithersoever you move ; all who had met Vavasour had felt the spell 
of this ubiquitous glance, which gave him a terrible vantage over the 
dwarfed heroes of modern fiction, whose gaze is limited to one object 
at a time. Well has it been said of him — 

" The moon looks 
On many brooks ; 
The brook sees but one moon !" 

Cold, haughty, sarcastic, unbending to a fault, he never stooped — 
no, not even when he picked up a lady's fan, or laced his own faultless 
Balmoral boot. 

His small taper white hand was the envy of every duchess who had 
been privileged to behold it ungloved, and had lived to rue the privi- 
lege — yet was it hard as thrice-tempered crystal adamant — yet could it 
have bent and twisted the chiselled features of the Theseus so that 
Michael Angelo Buonarotti could scarce have recognised his own 
handiwork — crushed the full bronze torso of the Florentine Venus 
out of all semblance to a human face ! 

But, oh, reader ! his voice ! ! full, dry, mellow, rich in musical im- 
possibilities, it intoxicated one like wine, and left one staggering and 
powerless to resist ; he, who hated music, was well aware of the 
potency of this spell— for yes, reader, he hated music, little as he was 
wont to boast of this aversion; his towering intellect and haughty 
Norman ancestry left such innocuous pastimes to meaner men— 
for him the passionate strains of Verdi had no charm — yet was his 
very silence full of melody ! Rich, scornful, cruel, imperial, vindictive, 
unrelenting melody, whose cadences had been the sarcophagus 
of many ! It is told of him that once, at a royal matinee musical, 
a Princess, secure in the " divinity that beats upon a throne " had 
dared to banter him on his indifference to the art of Balfe and 
Beethoven ; curling his lip till the sangre azur flowed freely, he rose 



March 9, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



101 



to his full height, stalked to the platform where the petted Tenor of 
the day held his audience in thrall, tore the music from his hands, and 
taking up the area where the astonished Italian had left it off, he 
finished it in tones so suave and enervating, with so passionate a pathos 
that all there who heard, hung on his lips for ever and a day, and the 
rest became epileptic for the remainder of their lives. The luckless 
vertuoso, Signor Gusberitartini, went home, and sickened, and died 
of that song ! 

Poetry he despised. Yet full oft had he, blindfolded, with his gloved 
left hand written impromptu epics that would have smitten a Tennyson 
with the palsy of incompetency ! Art he loathed, with a guards- 
man's loathing ; yet who does not recollect that exquisite picture of 
Rimini and Francesco di Paola, which all London flocked to see- 
painted by him for a wager on the bare back of a buck-jumping blood- 
mare that Rarey had given up as intractable ? 

He who knew every living idiom down to its very finger-nails — he 
for whom every dead and decayed tongue had yielded up its fragrance 
— had long found out the vanity of all things. Every science had he 
mastered, but only to sound the emptiness thereof. What wonder that 
this man believed in nothing under the sun ? Nay, denied even that two 
and two made four. 'Tis but justice to state that he denied they made 
anything else worth living for. In his utter negation of all things, 
he did not even believe in the well authenticated tales that had reached 
England of his own marvellous adventures in untrodden zones, familiar 
to him as the smoking-room of the most exclusive London clubs. For 
had he not pressed with the slender arab-arch of his foot, nay micro- 
scopically scrutinised with his cold passionless glance, every cubic 
inch of our mother earth from zenith to zodiac, from equinox to 
ecliptic ? Now unarmed and alone, battling with the wild bull-elephant 
in Siberian forests, whose fossil tusks would crumble into dust beneath 
his iron grasp— anon, ere the sun had risen and set again o'er his 
triumph, tracking the white bear to its den in the fastnesses of the primae- 
val Mexican steppe — now drifting over vast unknown inland seas of 
the Himalaya in a hollowed out bamboo craft of his own construction — 
anon, vainly wooed in the low sweet guttural diphthongs of the Zend 
Avesta dialect by golden-haired Nautsch girls, whose dowry was a 
prince's ransom, or discoursing sweet nothings in fluent Semitic to 
solemn-eyed Ckgszwchian signoritas with great sad ears, and the thick- 
skinned patience of the Sphinx ! Seven times had the Sepoy's scalping 
knife performed on him its revolting office, as he lay steeped in some 
wild haschisk dream, in lone wildernesses and remote " waste places of 
the fern ;" seven times had he risen, Phoenix-like, from his own sack- 
cloth and ashes, and blown the slumbering spark of vitality into a lurid 
flame, wreaking a fearful holocaust on the red-skinned bravos who had, 
in the short-lived triumph of their bloody vendetta, dared to trifle 
with the tawny crest that fair hands, braceletted with the ducal 
strawberry-leaf, had been proud to toy with ! And yet he never 
alluded to these "hairbreadth 'scrapes," as he lounged on the 
ottoman at "Whites'," clad in snow-coloured seal-skin dressing-gown, 
'broidered with intertwisted monograms of golden fleur-de-luce (one of 
many such, yet not the best by far)— now withering the aristocratic 
habitues with sarcasms that fell from his lips thick and cold as the 
snows of an Arcadian winter — now scathing the menials of the estab- 
lishment with scornful look and word ; for in his high-born contempt 
of the " oipopuloi," he was ever mindful of the difference between the 
proud blue blood that ran riot in his own Norman veins, and 
" The poached filth that floods the middle class." 

Is it strange that such a man should set all laws at defiance, laws of 
honour, courtesy, social intercourse, perspective, religion, scientific 



inquiry ? — nay, the very laws of digestion itself ? For to his world-sated 
palate the oyster and the oyster-shell were as one and the same — the 
one yielded no joy, the other presented no difficulty. 

His hate was ruinous to men, his love fatal to women, his indifference, 
deadly alike to all, whether they knew him or not ! 

Again and again, wo, wo to the women who crossed his path, be 
they widows or wives, matrons or maidens ! Down they went on their 
knees before him, like threshed corn beneath the shears of the mower, 
to worship for awhile at the shrine of his cruel glance, and then — 
withered 'neath his insolent scorn, flung away into the dim irrevocable 
future, like a worn-out glove, a soiled scarf, a slipper down at heel 
— far beyond all appeal or hope of redress from him ! for it is of such 
men that Tasso has written ; — 

Ye who entreat him, leave all hope behind. . 

Every husband, every father, every brother, feared and loathed him 
as the incarnation of the Evil one— in their mean, narrow, tedious 
nauseating philosophy they held him as a perjured villain of the 
deepest dye, steeped in utterest infamy ! 

Perhaps his greatest charm in women's eyes was that he was never 
heard to boast of this . . . 

Oh, reader, is it a marvel that the Tresilian, — 

" The flower of the west-end and all the world," 

could not restrain a wild yell of agonised rapture when he, who never 
bent, yet bent his gaze on her, and stooping for once in his life, stamped a 
seething red-hot kiss on her hand which, soldering her bracelet to her 
wrist, seared her white flesh through the scented gauntlet to her very 
palm, and claimed her as his partner in the " Mabel Waltz !".... 




^L 



"MASKS AND FACES." 

If we wanted a portrait of the British Working-Man, we don't know 
to whom we should sooner go than to Herr Schttltz, at the Egyptian 
Hall. In his very amusing and ingenious entertainment called " Masks 
and Faces," this gentleman shows us how many utterly various and 
apparently irreconcileable expressions and effects can be produced by 
the same set of features, dexterously managed. Now, this is just what 
we want to give us a true representation of the British Working-Man. 
He is one, yet how different, as reflected in the mirror held up by 
Beales and Potter, Lowe and Mill, Busfield Ferrand and 
John Bright. Herr Schultz's face is the only one which we conceive 
could ever be moulded into so many opposite types. 

What a fortune such a malleable mug would be to a Queen's Counsel 
on circuit, a Member of Parliament on canvas, a fashionable under- 
taker in the exercise of his calling, or the shop-walker at a maison de 
deuil, who has to deal with all gradations of grief, from the deepest 
crape stage of bereavement to the mitigated mourning of French gray ! 
Herr Schultz is really a phenomenon for his power of face-making. 
He might stand as model to the whole forty R. A.'s tor the entire range 
of their pictures, from the back-door domesticities to the mediaeval 
Morte d' Arthur business, and the Leightonian High Classical. Then, 
besides bis extraordinary power of face-making, Herr Schultz's 



instantaneous creation and extinction of beard, and other hairy face- 
covering — eye-brows, whiskers, oi moustache — is one of the most inge- 
nious and surprising contrivances we remember. Herr Schultz's 
beard-movement is the quickest imaginable : and he has some means of 
investing his face with the red of the North American Indian, or the 
Bosjeman's black, as instantaneously as he puts on and off his hirsute 
decorations. — ,, 

Altogether, Herr Schultz is eminently worth seeing, and his enter- 
tainment, besides its ingenuity, is in good taste. There is no vulgarity, 
or forced fun about it, and it is as unpretending as it is curious. 



Effect of Sea Air. 



A Visitor to Brighton, whose health has been much benefited by 
rides on the Downs and walks up and down both Piers, now describes 
the great London- super-Mare as Paradise and the Pieri. ,He regrets 
his inability to write anything Moore on the subject. 



ANTI-FENIAN SUSPENSION. 



So the Habeas Corpus has to be suspended again in Ireland. Let us 
hope that it will not be necessary to suspend the Corpus there as well 
as the Habeas Corpus. 



102 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 9, 1867. 




AS SOON AS JOHN STUART MILL, AT St. ANDREWS, HAD 
FOUGHT A GOOD FIGHT ABOUT EDUCATION 




with the College Dons, Her Majesty made due 
Preparation for opening the Great Conservative 
Parliament, and although the Jamaica Prosecu- 
tions WERE COMING ON, AND THE FRESCOES ON THE 

Walls of the House were dropping off, the Royal 
Speech of the 5th was so full of good promise 
that even the theatre8 " made it up " with the 
Music Halls, and a Distinguished Comedian was 
seen Arm-in-arm with Ch — MP- E Ch — rl — Y. 




On the 8th Gathorne Hardy brought in his Poor 
Law Bill, thinking wisely, that it was a good 
opportunity for introducing the Pauper to the 
Notice of the Guardian ; and Walpole, with his 
accustomed Good Nature placed Tom Hughes and 
Harrison on the Trades'-Union Commission. 




On the 9th some odd and unmusical Japanese 
Jugglers began Spinning themselves on Enormous 
Tops; in their intervals of leisure making Maoic 
Butterflies out of Scraps of Paper. 

The Exhibition of Designs for the New Law 
Courts was opened at Lincoln's Inn — 




And a Sensation was created by a Drawing repre- 
senting an immense Tower, supposed to be intended 
as a Refuge for the Lord Chancellor when the 
Fenians come over from Kerry. 




On the 11th Mr. Disraeli " was" to have let the 
Reform Cat out of the Ministerial Bag, but not- 
withstanding THAT THE FENIANS TRIED TO TAKE 
Chester while he was speaking, and Mr. Beales 
made another attempt upon trafalgar square, he 
did not succeed in releasing the poor animal. 

The Blacas Collection, bought for the Nation 
(on his own responsibility) by the Chancellor of 
the Exchequer, was applauded as a Good Invest- 
ment, but Mr. Henry Cole's^ Estimate of £'116,000 
on Account of the Coming Paris Exhibition was 
not so Favourably Received. 

But although Earl Russell presented Mr. 
Rigby Wason's ill-tempered Petition against Baron 
Kelly, and Mr. Lowe published his Defence aoainst 
John Bkight, and the Bishop3 in Convocation, 
legislated against Ritualism, not even the Deli- 
very of the Emperor's Speech hindered the Tran- 
sit throcgh the Post Office of Half-a-Million of 
Valentines on the 14th — 




NOT COUNTING THOSE EXPENSIVE " TOKENS " IN GI- 
GANTIC Deal Packing-cases, which had to be 
Delivered " Per Pickford's Van." 

On the 20th, Alexandra gave to a Gratefcl. 
Country a Princess. 




On the 25th Mr. Disraeli, with great show 
Courage, let the Cat out of the Bag, but 




On the 26th Made it Evident that even He did not 
think much of the Poor Creature, after all. 



Priceless Loyalty. 

Mb. Bright, in the House of Commons the other evening, is re- 
ported to have said : — " There are persons in this country, and there 
are also some from the North American Provinces, who are ill-natured 
enough to say that not a little of the loyalty which is said to prevail in 
Canada has its price." The Canadians will hardly be disposed to 
retort this insinuation by suggesting that any price could be put upon 
the loyalty of the Member for Birmingham. On the contrary, they 
may rather be inclined to question if the loyalty of a popular orator, 
who hints physical force to the multitude, has any value at all. 



A Blow for the Bears. 

Amid the measures of Reform which run the risk of being lost is a 
Bill to amend the law respecting the dealing in Bank Shares, with a 
view to the prevention of such jobberies and robberies as those which 
caused such ruin in the panic of last spring. This Reform Bill might 
be called " An Act to Cut the Claws of tbe Bears in Capel Court, and 
to prevent their clutching hold of other People's Property." The 
Bill clearly ought to pass ; and, if the Government will help it in its 
progress through the House, they may look upon themselves, in one 
measure at all events, as being good Reformers. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, In the PariBh of St. James, ClerkenweU, in Ihe County ot Middlesex, at the Pnn ting Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Erans ft Co.. Lombard 
Street, In the Precinct of Whitefriare, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. W, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— SiruaDAi, March », 1887. 



March 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



103 




GRATIFYING. 

Radical Newsvendor (recognising Public Character, who has stepped in to buy a 
penny paper). " 'Ow do you Find yourself this Moknin', Sir? (Refusing the 
coin.) Oh, don't Mention it, Sir ! We sell such a quantity of your 
Cart de Wizeets, Sir, I couldn't think of Charging you Anythink, Sir ! " 



EVEN-HANDED JUSTICE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. 

If the intentions of Government are carried out, Great Yarmouth, Totnes, 
Reigate. and Lancaster are to be cut off from the Borough-body, as members 
so utterly rotten, that, being past cure, they admit of no treatment but amputation. 
Mr. Punch has no objection, though perhaps, if the diagnosis that has been applied 
to these gangrened limbs could be directed to a good many more, the disease 
might be found to have spread so far that, supposing amputation resorted to in all 
the cases past cure, the Borough-body would be left with very few limbs at all. 

But admitting that the sharp remedy of the knife may beneficially be employed 
on this peccant quartette of constituencies, what should be done with those who 
have inoculated them with the plague ? What treatment is to be dealt out to the 
bribers— to Fenwick, Schneider, Lacon, Gower, Pender & Co. ? 

If the House of Commons strip these Boroughs of their right to a Member, in 
perpetuus, for being corrupt, ought it not to deprive these gentlemen of their 
right of ever again sitting as Members, for corrupting ? 

If sauce for the thief, should be sauce for the receiver, then the penalties of 
bribery should surely fall alike on those who offer, and those who take the bribe. 

It will hardly do to punish for rottenness without punishing those who make 
and feed the rot. 

It is true, there is one difficulty. If Boroughs and Borough Members are to be 
executed for having been caught dirty-handed, the hands of judge, jury and execu- 
tioners should at least be clean. 

Where is the House of Commons to find clean hands to do its work of purifica- 
tory sacrifice ? 

The only thing we can see for it would be a very general application of the 
Japanese happy-dispatch. Suppose every Member who feels himself as guilty as 
those who have been found out, when they retire from public life with ignominy, 
were to go and do likewise, what a very extensive vacating of seats would be the 
consequence ! Perhaps, there might be enough left to do penal justice on future 
offenders. 



THE WAIL OP THE OLD WHIP. 

{Apropos of recent difficulties in the Derby Dizzy Subscrip- 
tion Hunt.) 

One may well swear like a Tartar — 

Such a field and such a pack ! 
Blest if I know what I 'm arter, 

Who to rate, and who head back. 
Who the master of the hounds is, 

In the meet-lists what 's our name, 
What our country and our bounds is, 

Where 's our covers, what 's our game ! 

Once the old Hunt went on stunning, 

Our subscription-book was filled : 
Once our hounds run straight, not cunning, 

Earths was stopp'd, and foxes killed. 
Once a whip need but be steady, 

Keep himself and osses neat, 
Have his hounds in kennel ready, 

Bring 'em all right to the meet — 

Touch hat to the master's orders, 

For the cover he should draw ; 
Then to skirt the gorse's borders, 

Old uns' cheer, and young uns' jaw. 
Head back rioter and rover, 

Make the whimperers hold their prate, 
Get his fox well out of cover, 

Lay his hounds on and ride straight. 

Runs was runs then, foxes foxes ; 

Whips and pack each other knew ; 
Nags, not men, lived in loose boxes, 

And a screw was called a screw. 
We 'd our own subscription country, 

Our hunt-livery we wore, 
And we thought it an effront'ry, 

If them togs a stranger bore. 

Now you may change coat or button, 

Let the hounds work anyhow ; 
If they run deer, hare or mutton, 

Whips is not to make a row ! 
Earths is stopped, or left neglected, 

Fox-preservin' let go slack, 
Yet a whip 's to whip expected, 

And they calls this mob, a pack ! 

Hounds as I 'd rate I 'm told not to 

Staunch hounds bid thong black and blue ; 
And the country as we 've got to, 

Ain't the country once I drew. 
The direction-posts is altered, 

Gates and gaps ain't where they were, 
Muster Darby's nag's string-haltered, 

Muster Dizzy won't ride fair ! 

There 's the General has hooked it, 

Cranborne and Carnarvon too i 
They 're disgusted and they looked it, 

And there 's more than them looks blue. 
Blest if I 've not a good mind to 

Send my whip and livery back — 
Changing place I ain't inclined to, 

But it 's all up with our pack ! 



AN INDUBITABLE DON. 

In a late report of proceedings in the Court of Bank- 
ruptcy, there appeared a case headed as follows : — 
" In re E. P. J. R. F. S. W. G. De Martano." 

The name to which the foregoing initials are prefixed 
is that of a Spanish gentleman ; " but," observed a fool, 
" although he is a foreigner, the Bankruptcy Court is a 
place in which the literary world must be sorry to see a 
man of letters." " Eight letters," said another fool, 
" standing for so many Christian names ! The bearer of 
them must have had liberal godfathers and godmothers." 



A Laborious Post.— The new First Lord will find 
Information.— It may not be generally known that it is the peculiar and [ plenty i to do at the Admiralty. There is a long list of 
lucrative function of the Board of Green Cloth to grant licences for Billiards. I Agenda and Corrigenda. 



VOL. LIT. 



104 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 16, 1867. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

ventful have been the 
hours since Mr. Punch 
last wrote. Firstly, 
three who were then 
Conservative Minis- 
ters are Conservative 
Ministers no longer. 
Peel of the Army, 
Cranborne of India, 
Carnarvon of the 
Colonies, have de- 
prived Lord Derby 
of their services. The 
dauntless Three have 
fallen, the earliest vic- 
tims to Reform. They 
would have "kept the 
Bridge," butDERBius 
the Consul did not 
want it kept, so they 
have only gone home. 
Secondly, a strange 
story belongeth to 
their fate, and this 
the Consul told to the 
Senate on 

Monday, &(h March. 
The Earl of Derby 
gave an interesting and edifying account of the Reform policy of his Cabinet. The 
next night Mr. Disraeli, who, on the Monday, had been sternly silent, to the 
wrath of sundry in the Commons, became lavishly explanatory. It will be con- 
venient to fuse the two statements which irradiate each other, into one, and this it is. 
In the autumn, Lord Derby saw that a Reform Bill, and not a " niggard " one, 
ought to be presented to Parliament. He therefore requested Mr. Disraeli to 
give his best attention to the subject. 

At some date it " came to " those statesmen that some of their colleagues would 
not stand a liberal Reform Bill. 

Two measures were therefore prepared, or at least sketched, one a Worthy, the 
other an Unworthy one. 

D. and D. hoped to be able to pass the former, but if their ultra-Conservative 
friends should resist, meant to fall back on the latter. 

The Resolutions are admitted to have been vague, but the Cabinet wanted to get 
"concurrence" from the Commons. As they could not get it, they emitted an 
" expression of policy " on the 25th, which Mr. Punch expounded last week, with 
the fatal comment that " it would not do." 

This was the Unworthy scheme, but, small as it was, it was too large for Peel, 
Cranborne, and Carnarvon. Lord Cranborne sat up all one Sunday night, 
studying the figures, and frightened himself so dreadfully at the results he came to 
that he was obliged to resign. The other two did not waste wax candles and get 
headaches, but they resigned also. 

Now the Administration is free to do its duty as understood by Lord Derby in 

the autumn, and bis Lordship's first opinion, said Mr. Disraeli, is his last opinion. 

So, for the third time this session, Mr. Disraeli is going to introduce a Reform 

Bill, and he has fixed the 18 th of March for that ceremony. By this measure the 

Government declares that it will stand or fall. 

Mr. Punch has only one question to ask. When Lord Derby and Mr. Disraeli, 
having arrived at a sense of their duty to the nation, found that certain colleagues 
would endeavour to prevent their discharge of that duty, why did they not, as 
Patriot Statesmen,- at once remit Cranborne to Coventry, Carnarvon to Castle 
High Clere, and Jonathan to Jericho, and prepare the measure dictated by con- 
science? Of course it would, as Lord Derby says, have been very " painful ;" 
of course it would, as Mr. Disraeli says, have been " one of the saddest incidents of 
public life." But we should like to know what Pitt, Wellington, or Palmerston 
would have done. He would have wept or not wept, according to his hydraulic 
proclivities, but he would have walked out the recalcitrants, and done his duty. 

Leaving which considerations to the consideration of All whom they concern, 
Mr. Punch briefly notes that on the Monday Lord Carnarvon told the Lords that 
he thought Reform was needed, but arithmetic showed him that the proposed scheme 
would alter the character of five-sixths of our boroughs, and this he regarded as 
dangerous — that Lord Granville said it was clear that the Cabinet had never 
come to a decision as to the meaning of the Resolutions, and he hoped that there 
would be no more desire to mystify Parliament — that Lord Grey thought that the 
House of Commons ought to be full of wisdom and ability, that the highest intelli- 
gence of the nation should be represented, and that a mistake in altering the Con- 
stitution would be fatal — and that Lord Derby declared a Reform Bill to be a 
matter not of principle but of detail. 

Mr. Disraeli, to-night, as has been said, was elaborately silent, and Lord 
Cranborne was tongue-tied by etiquette. But Mr. Gladstone made some severe 
criticisms on the conduct of Ministers, which reminded him of a Greek dance he 
had seen, in which the ladies advanced three steps and retreated two. He demanded, 
for the credit of Parliament, that the question of Reform should be treated with 
force and decision, that the Bill should contain nothing new-fangled, and that there 
should be no giving with one hand and taking away with the other. If the plan 



should be Simple, Good, Manful, Constitutional, and 
Straightforward, it would be ungrudgingly supported by 
the Opposition. His speech was sterner than lieretofore, 
and sounded warningly. 

Tuesday. Mr. Disraeli made the speech that hath been 
noted, ending with a scoff at Mr. Gladstone's " singular 
plainness of mind " and hatred of " intricacy." It was 
repaid, with interest. General Peel made a manly 
speech, much applauded. He had been told that the 
Reform Bill was a Conservative measure, and when he 
found that it was not, he refused to have anything to do 
with it. Lord Cranborne made a somewhat similar 
statement, and he, too, spoke in an earnest and manly 
fashion, as English gentlemen always do when they are 
talking only of personal matters. 

At the instance of Mr. Darby Griffith, " who was 
received with great laughter," Mr. Gladstone explained 
that though he had held the briefest conversation with 
Mr. Disraeli, it was not about Reform, but something 
else, and he had used the words " Quite Proper," which 
had been overheard. He confuted some allegations of 
Mr. Disraeli's as to the conduct of Opposition ; but all 
this fencing, good as it was, between the two accomplished 
swordsmen, was chiefly for the amusement of the House. 
It was still more amused by a smart speech, very anti- 
Ministerial, by Mr. Lowe, who assailed the Conservatives 
and the Radicals for their joint approach to democracy, 
likened Mr. Disraeli and Mr. Bright to the great Twin 
Brothers to whom the Dorians pray (see Macatjlay's Lay), 
and said that the " ship they ride on " is Cold Hypocrisy, 
and the chief they serve under is Anarchy. Mr. Horsman 
accused Ministers of political immorality. Lord Stanley 
denied the charge of democracy, and said that the Bill, by 
which the Cabinet would stand or fall, would in no sense 
be in accordance with the policy consistently supported by 
Mr. Bright. The latter gentleman made an amusing 
speech, with some good "chaff" in it, and welcomed the 
now favoured idea of Household Suffrage, but was willing 
to support a measure short of that. Why were we to be 
afraid of a second million of our countrymen? Some 
smaller men finished a debate of an unusually brilliant 
character. And here endeth another chapter in the 
history of Reform. 

Mr. Watkin got a Committee on Limited Liability; 
Mr. Leeman carried, by 86 to 41, a Bill intended to check 
stockjobbing rascalities, by preventing fictitious trans- 
actions. The jobbers howl about " restraining business," 
but the Bill is approved by the best sort of business men. 

Wednesday. The Fenian Rebellion broke out in Ireland, 
and the Chief Secretary had to tell the House of cut 
telegraphs, torn-up railways, Greek fire, encounters be- 
tween rebels and police, bloodshed, and, the only good 
news, of Lord Strathnairn (Sir Hugh Rose) being in 
the saddle and riding against the revolt. Since then, we 
have heard of still more serious affrays, of concerted move- 
ments of Penians, and of wide-spread disaffection. But 
with traitors in their own ranks, and vigour and skill in 
ours, the rebels may expect suppression, and the ring- 
leaders may look for the doom of felons. It is time to 
show that Law means Order — at any price. 

Mr. Coleridge carried his Bill for the Abolition of 
Tests at Oxford through Second Reading, but it will not 
become law in its present form. 

Thursday. The Emperor, who is always polite, has 
offered the Queen the statues of Henry the Second, 
Ccedr de Lion, Eleanor of Guienne, and Isabel of 
Angouleme, from the Chapel of Eontevrault, Anjou, and 
Her Majesty has accepted them. _ French antiquaries 
rage, and if these statues were in a fitting place, Mr. Punch 
would consider their removal a barbarism ; but as they 
are lying in the back scullery of a convict prison, we may 
as well have them. We object, however, to their going to 
South Kensington — let Dean Stanley take charge of 
them, and put them where he sees proper. 

General Peel, though ministerially dead, moved the 
Army Estimates, which are a good deal higher than the 
last, but not so much higher, he says, as they seem. The 
Converted Sniders work admirably, we are told. 

Friday. The Duke of Argyll delivered what Lord 
Derby called a dangerous and irritating address on Crete 
and the Eastern question. The latter is coming up, and 
Russia, " though yet her cicatrix looks raw and red," is 
getting Bumptious again. The iEGRi somnia must be 
pleasant, just now. 



March 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



105 



The Commons were dull. No light was thrown by a long debate 
on Volunteer law. The Travellers' Baggage question came up, and 
it is clear that no change is to be made. The only Member who used 
an argument against it was Sir Patrick O'Brien, who urged that 
the valuable works of English authors would be pirated, and the frau- 
dulent editions brought over by travellers. Sir Patrick is a gentle- 
man, and in the name of author-craft we thank him for his kindly 
thoughtfulness. But we hope there is enough public spirit in authors 
(especially those who have sold their copyrights) to endure this peril 
for a few months. 

London may like to know that the Regent's Park Lake is not to be 
touched until autumn, when, of course, everybody whose nose is worth 
respect will be out of town. 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

{From yours very truly, Peeper the Great.) 




PEEP FIRST. 

N April the first 
the French Exhi- 
bition will open, 
and thousands 
hitherto unable 
to gain admis- 
sion will flock to 
Paris. Number- 
less Englishmen 
and English- 
women who have 
not been there 
before will not 
be behind now. 
A Guide and a 
familiar friend is, 
like dough, much 
kneaded : where- 
at some readers 
may say, "Oh, 
doughn't !" Let 
'em. I have said 
it. I am a Broken 
Englishman, and 
after a length- 
ened sojourn 
abroad am pre- 
pared to direct the steps of my compatriots, to talk with the natives, to 
speak for the stranger, and to give him his French as it is spoken and 
pronounced in the best or worst society. 

There is not a spot in Paris with which I am unacquainted. I can 
tell yon all about it — and more : I am therefore your man. " Je suis," 
as Marechal Ney used to observe, "votre homme;" but for the 
benefit of your readers, I must add, that these words are not pro- 
nounced as spelt. 

Let me introduce Paris to you, historically. Paris is called by many 
ignorant foreigners Parry, but they might as well call it German Reed 
at once, as no one, out of their own set, understands them. 

In ancient times, a.v.p.c. [Anno Verbum Personate Concordat, i.e., a 
Concordat entered into by one of the first Popes] the country of 
France was generally an open country, which accounts for the people 
being Frank. It is supposed that Adam and Eve visited it early in 
life, but no records of the fact exist, except the word Madam, which 
includes both. M. Adolpiie Adam, the composer, is a descendant of 
that illustrious gentleman, who is admitted, on all hands, to have been 
the First Man of his time. However this may be, let it be as it will. 
Dates not so much an object as reading in comfort. 

The Franks were not cannibals : they ate no one, and no one ate 
them. An amicable state of things, which, perhaps, accounts for the 
proverbial politeness of their Parisian posterity. In those days there 
were no guide-books to Paris and its environs. They were scarcely 
missed, as there were no environs, and I may add, to speak strictly, 
no Paris. Paris rhymes to Hakris ; an opportunity which entirely 
escaped the attention of Ovid and Virgil : odd. The Judgment of 
Paris was the event which suggested the name for the place. This 
judgment has been handed down to us. If Sergeant Parry should 
become a Judge, perhaps a great decision of his will be handed down 
as the Judgment of Parry's. Perhaps so : when this you see, re- 
member me. 

About this time an incursion of Merovingians— but this will not 
interest you. Suffice it to say that the first Frenchman of any fame at 
all was King Pippin, who, as you may recollect, was mixed up with 
William Tell, and was shot on and oil' his son's head simply because he 
wouldn't put on his hat. Hence Bipstone Pippins : but another 
family tree, this. The next was Robert the Ber.il, who lived in Nor- 



mandy, which by poetic licence, he used to call his mother country (in 
Drench J/« Normandie). He was removed by Bertrand and taken to 
a warmer climate— Italy, I think, from his subsequently re-appearing 
as Roberto it Biavolo. 

Then came, an ancestor of Sir Richard Mayne, called Charle- 
magne.: he wore an iron crown, and composed the well-known air for 
the flageolet, Bulcedomum." (At least, if he didn't, he had some- 
thing to do with a Begium Domini, but ilisloria eslfoggia, i. e., History 
is loggy in details.) 

After this we hear (that is, I've heard) very little of France until 
the Emperor Napoleon the Third ascended the throne. There 
was a Napoleon the First ; but then there was a Duke of Wel- 
lington. 

This Emperor,' Napoleon the Third, gives an Exhibition this 
year. You will want a Guide to it. There is a regiment of Guides 
wn.™ ! 1 !. i , , '* ask them questions. Get Parts for the English— 
1867, published by Bradbury, Evans, & Co., 11, Bouverie Street, 
Fleet Street, E.C. (Advertisement.) 

Life in Paris is all out of doors. Of course you couldn't expect life 
in doors, in France, any more than in any other country ; the doors 
here are as dead as door-nails elsewhere. 

Though the Parisian life is out of doors, you will not see any Houses 
out oi windows. They are all windows and shutters, and neat little 
ornamental blinds. The only time when you'll see a house out of 
windows is when you look out of your own windows and see a house. 
JNo novelty here. 

You get to Paris by land and water. These are merely preliminary 
directions. 

You mustn't be surprised at the roughness of an angry sea. No 
wonder it is angry, seeing it is so often crossed. 

On landing you will at once proceed to Paris : and then— wait for 
me hi my next. 

SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING. 

Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men. 
Lawyer. Tax my bill. 
Boctor. Dash my draughts. 
Soldier. Snap my stock. 
Parson. Starch my surplice. 
Bricklayer. I Tl be plastered. 
Bricklayer's Labourer. Chop my hod. 
Carpenter. Saw me. 

Plumber and Glazier. Solder my pipes. Smash my panes. 
Painter. I 'm daubed. 
Brewer. I 'm mashed. 
Engineer. Burst my boiler. 
Stoker. Souse my coke. 
Costermonger. Rot my taturs. 
Bramatic Author. Steal my French Dictionary. 
Actor. I '11 be hissed. 
Tailor. Cut me out. Cook my goose. 
Linendraper. Soil my silks. Sell me off. 
Grocer. Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales. 
Baker. Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins. 
Auctioneer. Knock me down. 



THE ELECTRIC MEDAL. 



The American Parliament has passed a resolution of thanks to Mr. 
Cyrus Field, for having made the Electric Telegraph between England 
and the States, and has ordered a Gold Medal to be struck, in honour 
of Mr. Field's single-handed feat. This is quite right. Punch would 
be the last man to deny that "alone Field did it." We arc not quite 
sure whether he let the water into the space called the Atlantic Ocean, 
but we know that he invented electricity, and telegraphy, and after 
years of solitary experiments, perfected the Cable which is now laid. 
He carried it in his own one-horse gig from Greenwich to Ireland, and 
having previously constructed the machinery for paying it out, launched 
the Great Eastern by his unaided efforts, lifted the rope on board, and 
consigned it to the deep with his own hands. Mr. Field tied on the New- 
foundland end with great neatness, and then rah on with the continua- 
. tion, and never sat down, nor even blew his nose, until he had dispatched 
the first message. Therefore, the Medal is his, and the reverse also. 
But in concession to the ignorant prejudices of the world, might not 
just the most modest space, say;the rim, bear in faint letters the names of 
Gisborne, Glass, Elliot, Anderson, Canning, and one or two more, 
who stood by, with their hands in their pockets, and saw the smart 
Cyrus perform the Herculean task. Anyhow, we do give the ground 
on which this end of the Cable rests. But wo would not press the 
request, if it would hurt American feelings. 



The Beggar's Paradise.— Tattersall's. 



106 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



("March 16, 1867. 




AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL 

Teacher. "Now, Mart Brown, you Understand what is meant by Baptism?" 

Mary Brown. " Oh, / know, Teacher ! It's what Dr. Franklin did on Baby's arm last Toosday ! " 



SINGULAR CONDUCT IN A PUBLIC-HOUSE. 

{By our oum Penny -a-Liner.) 

Every lover of justice will be glad to learn that the vigilance of the 
police in regard to the use of False Weights and Measures is not con- 
fined to the miserable petty tradesmen of Lambeth and other low 
neighbourhoods, who cheat the poor out of so much of their hard 
earnings, but that the authorities have an eye upon offenders of a 
higher class. In the case to which these remarks refer, we are not 
enabled to state that any penalty has as yet been inflicted, but it will 
be seen that there is every intention to enforce the law. Our reporter 
states that the attention of the Westminster police has for some weeks 
been attracted to a house in Parliament Street known as the "Rupert's 
Head," and kept by a respectable landlord named Derby, in whose 
service is also a sharp and intelligent bar-man, whose real name is of 
Hebrew origin, but wno is known in the neighbourhood as "Dizzy." 
Mr. Derby came into possession of the premises after an action of 
ejectment, said to have been some*hat irregularly conducted, and he 
changed the sign, which had previously been that of " Jack Straw's 
Castle," to the above. The neighbours made no particular complaint of 
the management of the house, Tor the landlord's connection was chiefly 
country persons, who, though apt to be a little vociferous, were 
respectable, and not addicted to late hours. There were occasional 
quarrels between them and some of the customers of the previous 
landlord, an aged person named Russell, who had been respected in 
his time, but had of late years become cantankerous, especially since 
his ejectment from the house, but nothing serious occurred. We 
mention these details to show how, in these strange times, worthy 
men will run the risk of losing a fair character, for the sake of very 
small gains and certain exposure. It is our duty to add that, in some 
respects, the landlord at the Rupert's Head was popular with his 
neighbours, for he had carefully abstained from interference with other 
people's affairs, had endeavoured to arrange some difficulties between 
certain workmen and their masters, had administered a severe rebuke 
to a Beadle who neglected his duties, and had shown a kind feeling 



towards the Poor. But it came to the knowledge of the police that 
on the evening of Monday, the 12th of February, the bar-man, 
"Dizzy," under the eye of his employer, was called on to serve a 
customer, a Mr. Bull, and that in lieu of the good measure which 
should have been given, "Dizzy," talking with much volubility to 
distract the attention of Mr. Bull and the other persons present, 
offered him nearly all froth, and pertinaciously refused to deal in a 
more honest fashion, alleging that he had drawn a perfectly right 
measure. Mr. Bull, who is a very forbearing and kind-hearted 
person, contented himself with a gentle grumbling, and with declaring 
that this sort of thing would not do, and it seems that " Dizzy " 
facetiously remarked to him, " Come again this day fortnight, gov'nor. 
and we '11 make it all right for you, old man," and on this bit of chaff 
Mr. Bull went away. But he used the house again, as it happened, 
on the very day named by the bar-man, and police-constable. G 1, 
took the precaution of watching the movements of the latter. 
Upon this oceasion we learn that "Dizzy" displayed none of his 
usual pleasantries, but was obviously out of temper, as if acting 
under orders that were disagreeable to him ; and it was also noticed 
that three persons, supposed to be friends of Mr. Derby - , were also 
watching what occurred. We have heard that one of them was an 
old soldier, well known to Turfites ; another was a person who, in the 
euphemistic phrase of a class, has " left the Colonies ; " and the third 
does not live a hundred miles from Cranborne Place. Mr. Bull, 
upon asking for what he wanted, received what was, if possible, worse 
measure than on the preceding occasion, and upon remonstrance being 
made by some who were indignant at this treatment of the old gentle- 
man, "Dizzy" said that he supposed he knew his own business, and 
suddenly charged the speakers with having robbed some poor men so 
far back as 1832. A serious disturbance would have taken place, but 
for the admirable temper and tact of the constable, G 1, who advised 
all persons to go away quietly, undertaking that proper attention 
should be given to the proceedings which had justly exasperated every 
one. Dizzy " hereupon called the officer sundry names, intended to 
annoy him, but added in a somewhat mysterious manner, that " there 
was wheels within wheels, and he wasn't going to grease 'em all." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Mahcti 16, 1867. 




THE HONEST POTBOY. 



Derby (aside). "DON'T FROTH IT UP THIS TIME, BEN. GOOD MEASURE-THE INSPECTORS HAVE THEIR 

EYE ON US." 



March 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



109 



This was not understood by those present, but a few days afterwards 
there was a great disturbance, and the neighbours saw the three 
persons above designated suddenly rushing out of the house, and heard 
them loudly declaring that both the landlord and his servant were 
humbugs, and had tried to get their names to something that would 
have brought them all to ruin. This, however, Mr. Derby as loudly 
contradicted from an up-stairs window, and he expressed unlimited 
satisfaction at seeing the backs of them. What this quarrel meant 
may not concern our readers, but it is due to Mr. Derby to state that 
on Constable G 1 again taking an opportunity of severely cautioning 
him, he professed regret for what had occurred, and distinctly declared 
that it should not be repeated, and that the best possible measure 
should be given. If that would not do, he added, somewhat energeti- 
cally, he would put up the shutters, and take down the sign. Con- 
stable G 1 advised him to do nothing rash, nor to try any dodge for the 
future, and added, that if the promise were kept, the police would do 
no more than keep an eye on the house. The oldest inhabitants are 
unable to account for the cause that could induce a highly respectable 
landlord and an ordinarily well-spoken young man to indulge in these 
eccentricities, and risk their character ; but the neighbourhood waits 
to see how far Mr. Derby and his subordinate will act up to the spirit 
of their undertaking. If they fail in doing so, it is rumoured that 
their treatment of Mr. Bull will be punished by an early memorial to 
the Westminster Magistrates, who are usually merciful, but who are 
very severe where deception is attempted. 



A VERY LEGITIMATE INDIGNATION MEETING. 

A Meeting of representative horses employed in and about the 
Metropolis, has lately been held at the Agricultural Hall, Islington. 
Reporters would have been welcome, but as the proceedings were 
carried on in the language of the Houynhms, and Dean Swift, the 
only human master of that language, is dead, their services were 
unavailing. Luckily, a learned liorse (one of Mr. Sanger's stud), 
who has mastered all the European languages, in the course of a varied 
round of engagements at home and abroad, has obligingly favoured us 
with a condensed report of the proceedings. 

The oldest Cab-horse in the Metropolis was called to the chair ; the 
sense of the meeting to that effect being taken by yeas and neighs. 

The Chairman explained the object of the meeting. As horses they 
had more grievances than he wished, or was able, to enumerate. " He 
had passed through a wide experience, having come of high family, 
tracing up to the Godolphin Arabian, and having begun life in a racing- 
stable. How he had come down to his present line of life, was no 
business of the meeting ; but he didn't mind saying that it was through 
no fault of his. He had once been first favourite for the Derby, and 
after that the meeting would understand him, when he said that he had 
been ' nobbled.' That was his first move to the bad, and since then he 
had gone on from bad to worse — from steeple-chasing to Oxford 
hacking, and thence downwards to a night-cab, in which he supposed 
he should end his days. He expected to die in harness. But his 
varied experience had made him practically acquainted with most of 
' the woes that (horse) llesh is heir to,' and therefore he felt he was, 
in some sense, a representative animal. The particular grievance they 
were met to protest against was the cruel, abominable, unjustifiable, 
and unnecessary practice of spreading rough granite on the roads, for 
horses to tread into solid Macadam. It was a leg, back, and heart- 
breaking business for horses of all kinds, values, and employments. 
From the three-hundred guinea pair of steppers in the lordly equipage, 
to the worn-out drudges of the night-cab, many of whom, like himself, 
had known better days — from the pampered hundred-pound brewer's 
dray-horse, to the skin-and-bone anatomy that tugs the coster's ' flat,' 
all the horses of London had here a common right of protest. He 
would call on the speakers to move the Resolutions." 

The first Resolution, " That the practice of allowing the granite used 
in road-repair to be crushed and levelled for traffic by the horses and 
carriages passing over it, is dangerous, cruel, and unnecessary," was 
moved, by a magnificent bay (from the stables of the Countess of Haut- 
pas). " He did not think much wind need be used in moving the reso- 
lution. He had all but broken his own fetlock-joint that morning, in 
carrying his mistress to the Drawing-Room, and was still suffering 
acutely from the effect of the accident. He had had two esteemed stable 
companions (one of them, he was ashamed to say, a delicate mare) 
lamed by this abominable practice last season, and one {here the speaker 
became much affected) so seriously that he was obliged to be shot. 
{Excitement.) He knew from the remarks he heard whde waiting to 
take up at West End parties— for he owned that his experience, unlike 
that of the venerable animal in the chair, was confined to aristocratic 
circles — that the accidents from this cause were innumerable, and the 
suffering general. He hoped the meeting would not think that horses 
in his rank of life had an easy time of it. Aristocratic animals worked 
very hard, he could assure them, and almost entirely over the stones. 
Knowing their own value, they naturally felt sore at having their 
labour doubled, and the danger to life and limb far more than doubled, 



by the use made of them for work which properly belonged to the 
steam-roller." 

The Resolution was seconded by a sturdy Clydesdale Grey (the pro- 
perty of an eminent market gardener). " He could not boast," he 
said, " like the honourable proposer, of any aristocratic experience. He 
belonged to what was called the lower orders, and was proud of it, but 
he was glad to meet the aristocracy of his race on a common platform. 
He could bear out, from his experience in his own class, all the aristo- 
cratic mover of the Resolution had stated. If this practice was hard 
for horses of the mover's high-priced, high-stepping, easy-worked order, 
what must it be for horses like himself ? They had heavier weights to 
draw, and broader wheels to move, and their pounding work on the 
rough granite was increased in proportion. He often felt his heart 
ready to break over it, and only wished! he could have the Chairman of 
Metropolitan Roads, or a couple of District Board or Vestry-men in the 
shafts for a week or two. They would know what rougji granite was 
then : that it was worse even for the horses that worked over it, than 
the paupers that cracked it in the stone-yards. They managed these 
things better in France. There they called in the aid of the steam- 
roller to crush their Macadam. But even these steam-rollers felt the 
work so much that, only the other day, one of them had committed 
suicide by bursting up, and had done a deal of damage. He didn't 
know why English horses should put up with worse than French horses 
got. He recommended a strike, with both feet, if this abominable 
practice was not put a stop to. 

The Resolution was carried unanimously. 

The second Resolution, " That a deputation from the horses of 
the Metropolis wait on Lord John Manners, and inquire why 
he has done nothing to carry out his promise of compelling the in- 
troduction of the steam-roller to crush the rough granite, on the 
French system," was moved by a neat park-hack (Belonging to an 
officer of the Household Brigade) and seconded by a valuable brougham- 
horse in the employment of an eminent M.D., and carried with 
enthusiasm. 

A motion for an indignation meeting every week during the season, 
till this grievance was put a stop to, was also adopted, and the meet- 
ing separated with a determination not to relax in their efforts for the 
removal of what is admitted by men as well as horses to be a disgrace 
to the road administration of the Metropolis, till the steam-roller is 
introduced for crushing the rough road-granite as in Paris. 



SONG OE A HEAD CENTRE. 

Now is your time for freedom, plate and jewels, gold an' notes, 
To strike for liberty, me boys, and cut your betters' throats ; 
To saize upon the arsenals, and fire the magazines, 
And blow the base aristocrats up into smithereens. 

Arise, me fellow-countrymen, let 's murder all the praists, 
The parsons and the ministers, and all thim kind o' baists. 
The nobles and the gentry we will hang on their own trees, 
All of 'em we can catch, and above all the absentees. 

The troops that march against us will immadiately retire 
Upon them when you open with a volley of Greek fire. 
The corpses of their comrades will be left upon the plain : 
It 's then we will in glory pick the pockets of the slain. 

But should we be defated by Misfortune's cruel fate, 

With mighty little punishment 'tis likely we shall mate ; 

They dare not hang for thrason now, nor head off shoulders dock, 

The gallows is a bugaboo : a praty for the block ! 

But there is Colonel Nelson, boys, and there's Lieutenant Brand ; 
A trial for their life, bedad, is what they 've got to stand. 
How they stamp out rebellion, sure, their likes will take good care, 
Seeing what throuble that has brought on them and Mr. Eyre. 

Jack Stuart Mill for ever, and hurroo for friend Jack Bright ! 
Success to the Committee philo-black and anti- white ! 
Hang them that crushes reoels in the service of the Crown, 
And then who'll be the boys to put the Fenian Brothers down? 



Very Natural. 

The authorities at Cambridge have issued an edict pronouncing 
sentence of rustication or expulsion against any person in data pupil- 
lari, riding in, or otherwise promoting a steeple-chace. This is only 
what might be expected. Steeple-chasing ' is a pursuit reserved 
for gownsmen not in statu pupillari— gownsmen who have taken 
orders. 

Motto {lately adopted by Mr. Paddy Green).— Evans's helps them 
as helps themselves. . _ 



110 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 16, 1867. 




That Charming Gal with the Hue feather (to Prize Canary). " Sweety, dear ! " 
Comic Man (" Dolcissimo con Brio, " from the other side of pedestal) . "Yes, Ducky ! " 
[Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend 
(serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and 
thought he had made an impression ! 



" SHALL WE JOIN THE LADIES?" 

JEtat. 15. " Bother the ladies ! Let'sh have a weed !" 

JEtat. 20. " yes, let 's join the ladies. (Aside.) Cousin 
Claea's in the drawing-room." 

JEtat. 25. " Aw — may as well, I s'pose. But just give 
us a glass of Charley's old Madeira first." 

JEtat. 30. " I vote we move, you fellows. (Aside.) Awfully 
jolly girl that was, sat next me. Wonder if she's got some 
tin." 

JEtat. 35. "I should like just one whiff first. But then 
the smoke gets in one's beard so." 

JEtat. 40. " Cosy enough here. Don't care to move at 
present." 

jEtat. 45. " Quite agree with you, old boy. Pass the 
clar't, will you ? " 

JEtat. 50. " I should vote for having just one more, 
half-a-glassorso, of that cap'tal dry sherry." 

JEtat. 55. " Better go at once, /say. (Aside.) My wife's 
confounded tetchy when I sit long at the table." 

JEtat. 60. "Ladies! I should think not ! They can join 
us if they want us." 

JEtat.. 65. "I'll join 'em with great pleasure, but let 's 
hear that funny story first." 

JEtat. 70. Join the ladies ! Bless 'em ! Yes ! with all 
the pleasure in life — ugh ! Confound that toe of mine ! I 
always feel it after dinner. 



The Anti-drink-on-Eunday Movement. 

(Addressed to an Alderman and an eminent Roman Catholic Prelate, 
by a Licensed Wittelkr.) 

The Alderman is Doctor Manning's prop : 
One's name, and t' other's title, bids them stop 
Their fierce crusade against the Sunday drop, — 
For One's Old Hale .- t' other 's the Archbeershop. 



cockney hobservation. 



Cockneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate 
the " H's." It is done by common people in the provinces, 
and you may laugh at them for it. The deduction there- 
fore is, that a peasant, with an " h," is fair game. 



CONUNDRUM. (BY SIMPLE SYMON.) 

Why would the normal state of a coloured gentleman in 
India be one of want ? Because he would be an Indi-gent. 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(Evening Amusements at Byng's. The Course of True love. Prospects.) 

Byng takes Milburd and myself aside. " What Christmassy sort 
of thing," asks Byng, " can we do to amuse them ? " Milburd 
suggests charades. I think we can't get them up. Milburd says, 
" Get 'em up in a second. Cork a pair of moustachios and flour your 
face." I .admit this is all very well, but we want scenery. Byng 
doubtful. Milburd pooh-poohs scenery and says, " there are folding 
doors in the drawing-room ; and chairs and table cloths. Only want a 
word." We can't think of a word. 

Happy Thought.— Get a dictionary. 

We try A. Abaft. Milburd says that 's it. 

Happy Thought. — I say, on board ship in the back drawing-room. 
Milburd catches the idea. First syllable : A. Byng asks " how P " 
So do I. Milburd explains ; " A : cockneyism for Hay : some one 
makes A when the sun shines." Byng interrupts with a question as to 
how the sun is to be done. Milburd says, " Oh, imagine the sun." 
Baft. Let 's see how 's Baft to be done. Silence. Puzzler. 

Happy Thought.— Try something else. 

Byng says that once when he was in a country-house he dressed up 
as a Monk, and frightened a lot of people. We laugh. Byng suggests 
that that wouldn't be bad fun. His half-aunt is easily taken in. 

Happy Thought— Dress up and frighten his half-aunt. 

Byng's got it. He '11 get the dress. I enter into the proposition. 
Prefer talking to Fridoline. Milburd shall disarm suspicion by 
going back to the drawing-room and saying, that a great friend of 
Byng's has just arrived from Germany, and that Byng is receiving 
him. Milbubd undertakes this part of the business. Byng says (to 
me) "Come along: I '11 dress you up." I object. Byng says, "It's 
like Mummers in the olden time." 1 never could see the fun of mum- 
mers in the olden time. I suggest that Milbukd is better at this sort 
of thing, and I'll go back to the drawing-room and disarm suspicion. 
Byng is obstinate : he says, " It will spoil everything if I don't dress 



up." MiLBURDpoints out what capital fun it will be. " No one," he 
says, " will know you." Perhaps not : but where 's the fun ? 

Happy Thought.— Do it another night. 

They won't. Do it now. Byng appears annoyed : he thought 1 
should enjoy this sort of thing. I say " so I do : no one more," only 
I can't help imagining that Fridoline will think me an idiot. It is 
settled. Milburd goes down-stairs. Byng takes me to a lumber- 
room. I am to represent his friend just arrived from Germany. After 
rummaging in some boxes and closets, he produces a large cocked-hat 
with feathers, a Hussar's jacket, a pair of cavalier breeches, pink 
stockings, russet boots and a monk's cloak with a cowl. He is de- 
lighted. Whom am I to represent ? 

Happy Thought (which strikes Byng). — Represent eccentric friend 
from Germany. He must be a very eccentric friend to come in such a 
dress. I point out that it can't take any one in : not even his half- 
aunt. He says it will. His half-aunt must be remarkably weak. 

When I 've got on the stockings and boots, I protest against the 
breeches. " Spoil the whole thing if you don't put on the breeches," 
says Byng. I am'dressed. I say, " I can't go down like this." Byng 's 
got it again. What ? 

Happy Thought (second which strikes Byng). — False nose. Red paint. 

Stop ! He hasn't got any red paint. 

Happy Thought.— What a blessing ! A new idea strikes him. Pink 
tooth-powder will do iust as well : and lip salve. 

He won't let me look in the glass until he has finished with me. 
When he 's done I see myself, and protest again. He says " nonsense, 
it's capital: he will just see if the road's clear, and then we '11 go 
down-stairs." He leaves me. 

Happy Thought (while alone). Undress before he comes back. 

First Reflection in glass : What an ass I do look. Second reflection, 
What an idiot I was to let them dress me up. Resolution, Never do it 
again. If I had got to act a regular part, with words written, I 
shouldn't mind ; or even in a charade ; or if everyone was dressed up 
as well ; or if Milburd or some one else was dressed up ; but this is 
so stupid. If I don't go on with it, Old Byng will be annoyed, and 



March 16, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ill 



■won't ask ine again, and Byng's is a very jolly place to stay at. If I d 
known that there were people here, and this sort of thing was going_ 
to happen, I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't mind it so much if 
Fridoline wasn't here. I can't go and sit by her, and talk to her 
seriously, with a false nose, burnt cork, pink tooth-powder and red 
lip salve on my face. 1 won't go. [Analysing this feeling afterwards 
with a view to Chap. VIII., Book X., Typical Developments, I conclude 
it to be a phase of False Pride.] 

Byng returns : radiant. I follow him, dismally, down the back-stairs- 
We are not, it appears, going into the drawing-room. Byng opens a 
door. The kitchen. The cook, two housemaids, and a footman en- 
gaged on some meal. They rise ; uncomfortably. Byng says, " Mrs. 
Wallett," (addressing the cook) " here 's a gentleman from Ger- 
many." Whereat the cook and the two housemaids giggle awkwardly. 
They 're not taken in : not a bit. They pretend to be amused to please 
Byng. Doesn't Byng see through such toadyism? The footman 
smiles superciliously, and I feel that none of them will ever respect 
me again. The butler enters : he is sufficiently condescending to 
pronounce it very good. Cook, evidently feeling it necessary to make 
some sort of observation, says, " Well, she shouldn't ha' known me ; 
she shouldn't," which the housemaids echo. They are all bored. 
Footman patronisingly, as if he could have acted the part better 
himself — [Happy Thought {which occurs to vie in the kitchen). Wish 
we had dressed up the footman.]— observes to his master, "The 
gentleman doesn't talk, Sir." Impudent fellow : I know he '11 be 
insolent to me after this, as long as I'm here. Great mistake of 
Byng's. Byng explains that I (in my character of eccentric friend 
from Germany) only speak German ; and asks me, Sprarkenzee Dytch ? 
which he considers to oe the language. 

Happy Thought. — Yah. Also Mynheer. 

I do wish (behind my false nose and tooth-powder) that I could be 
funny. I feel that if in this dress I could do something clever, I should 
have the best of it. As it is I 'm a sort of tame monkey led about by 
Byng. I ought to go out of the kitchen funnily : I don't. Rather 
sneak out, after Byng. I'm sure the servants hate me : I wish Byng 
hadn't disturbed them at their meal. 

Happy Thought. — Say to Byng, in the passage, " I don't think there 's 
much lun to be got out of this." He replies, " Nonsense ; must frighten 
my aunt." 

I would give ten pounds if Fridoline were, at this moment, in the 
next county. Suppose she should think I 'd been drinking ! 

We are in the drawing-room. Fridoline is singing and playing. 
Milburd is waiting on her. The elderly people are engaged in con- 
versation, or dozing. The younger are playing the race game with 
counters and dice, and some are looking over pictures. Four elders, 
Mr. and Mrs. Symperson, the half-aunt and whole-uncle are at whist. 
They are enjoying themselves — why disturb them,? 

Happy Thought. — Go back and undress before they see me. 

Byng introduces me loudly, " Herr Von Downyvassel from Ger- 
many." Everyone is interrupted : everyone is, more or less, obliged to 
laugh. I see it at once : lama bore. Byng takes me up to his half- 
aunt at whist ; she is not frightened, but only says, " What a dreadful 
creature ! " and the four players laugh once out of compliment to Byng, 
and go on with their game again. Milbtjrd ought to help me : he 
won't. He doesn't even take any notice of me. Miss Fridoline 
merely turns her head and continues her Italian song. Byng having 
failed in frightening his half-aunt, leaves me, to find some book of 
pictures for Miss Pellingle. What am I do? Dance? Sing? I 
think I hear one of the party engaged at the Race-game say, " What 
stupid nonsense ! " I should like to dress him up. I'd rub the red 
powder into him. 

Gong sounds. For what ? 

The butler enters and whispers the Elders, who rise sedately. The 
guests begin leaving the room gravely: I am following. Milburd 
asks me if I 'm coming as I am. Coming where? Don't I know ? 
Family Prayers. Byng is very strict, and whenever there 's a clergy- 
man in the house, he has Family Prayers. The whole-uncle, I discover, 
is a Reverend. In my false nose, dragoon jacket, tooth-powder, and 
lip salve, I am a heathen. They want a missionary for me. Thinking 
deeply, what can mere outward adornment matter ? The dress is 
nothing — and yet 

Happy Thought.— Go to bed. 

I resume my dress. It would be cowardice to go to bed. I wait 
for them to come to the smoking-room. They come in, ladies and all, 
after prayers, remarkably fresh and cheerful. Conversation general : 
no allusion to my dressing-up. 

Getting near Fridoline I refer to it. She owns she thought it 
stupid : I tell her, so did I. She hopes it will be a fine day to-morrow. 
So do I. " Can't we," I suggest, "take a walk?" I want to say 
" together," thereby intimating that I want no other companions. She 
replies, " Or a ride," adding enthusiastically, " Do ride ; you do, of 
course." " I do," I tell her, " but regret that I can't get a horse." 
This presents no difficulty to her. Mr. Byng lends her one of his. 
Byng says, " Yes, Milburd has the chestnut, I ride the bay, and I 



can get a very good one for you," to me, "from Brett's stables in the 
village." " That," cries Fridoline, " will be delightful ! " 

I say to her rapturously, that I look forward to it with pleasure. So 
I do as far as going with Iter is concerned. But I feel ooliged to ex- 
plain to her that I haven't ridden for some time. She tells me that 
she hasn't ridden for some time either. This consoles me to a certain 
degree, but I mean years— she only means months. She tells me, sotto 
voce, that Byng is not a fast goer, so he and Milburd may ride 
together, and that we '11 (she and I) have a good gallop. 

Happy Thought. — Alone with her ! Galloping through the woods ! 

Happy Thought. — Talk about hunting— stiff countries— fences — 
brooks. [Thank goodness, no hunting here.] 

She is all life and animation, and anxious for to-morrow's ride with 
me. I'd rather it was a drive than a ride. "She likes," she says, 
"riding 'cross country." She is sorry that we shall only have roads 
here. 

Happy Thought. — Roads ! hooray ! Twenty to one against falling off 
on a road. 

Happy Thought.— Say, " Ah, pity there 's no 'cross country." I mean 
for Iter. 

Ladies now retire. Milburd wants to be officious, but she takes her 
candlestick from me. She looks to me for a light from the gas. I look 
at her, and find (when she draws my attention to it) that I am holding 
the flame about an inch away from the wick. I detain her hand for 
one second. I just 

Happy Thought.— Sympathetic electricity. Write a chapter this 
evening in Typical Developments. 

Her last words, "Mind you see about your horse the first thing to- 
morrow : I should be so disappointed if you didn't get it." 

I will get it. Ride — anywhere— everywhere ! For her — and with 
her ! Still I do wish it was riding in a carriage. 



A DRY DAY IN SEVEN. 

The Sabbatarians are at it again, Mr. Punch. The scene of their 
little game on Monday last was Guildhall, where, at a meeting held 
under the presidency of the Lord Mayor, Dr. Manning fraternised 
with the Saints of another hall. The object of the Exeter Hall Saints, 
in combination with the Roman Catholic Archbishop, was to take 
counsel for the purpose of stopping the sale of intoxicating liquors on 
Sunday. So that, if they could have their way, and you were to walk 
up to Hampstead Heath on a hot Sunday, you would be unable to 
procure a glass of ale at "(Jack Straw's Castle." 

Sabbatarianism, hand-in-hand with Popery, voted a resolution : — 

" That this meeting believes the sale of intoxicating liquors on Sundays is pre- 
judicial to the welfare of the people, and ought to be discontinued." 

Why prejudicial to the people any more than to the heads of the 
people ? For, observe, these would-be regulators of other person's 
appetites only propose to shut up the public- houses. They do not 
propose to close the Clubs also, or to prevent intoxicating liquors from 
being supplied at those establishments. Neither do they propose to 
prevent the stayers in hotels from being supplied with any liquor they 
may choose to call for, from bitter ale to Chateau d'Yquem. It is 
only the people, as distinct from the higher classes, that they want to 
exclude from access to the means of drunkenness. By the " people " 
they mean the working-classes, whom they invite to own themselves 
to be in general such drunkards and such idiots as to be unable with 
leisure at command, wages in their pockets, and public-houses open, 
to refrain from getting tipsy. If, on the contrary, the great majority 
of the working-classes are sober and intelligent, then they are asked to 
put themselves, and the public at large, to inconvenience, for the sole 
sake of trying to impede the inclinations of an imbecile and miserable 
minority. 

In seconding the motion resolved as above, Mr. Alderman Hale 
is reported to have stated that " he occasionally took a glass of wine, 
but lie never drank wine on a Sunday." This announcement was 
received with the laughter that, even in the most silly and serious 
assembly, a speaker excites by the utterance of declarations that are 
mutually irrelative, particularly when they include the avowal of an 
absurdity besides. What, if Alderman Hale is accustomed occa- 
sionally to take a glass of wine, is the reason for which he never drinks 
wine on a Sunday ? Perhaps a reporter has been unjust to Alderman 
Hale. What he really did say may have been the logical statement 
that though he did occasionally take a glass of wine too much, he 
never committed such an excess on Sunday. 

Ah, Mr. Punch, how pious it is of ns to endeavour to mortify the 
desires of other people, by imposing upon them restrictions which do 
not affect ourselves, or which we do not mind bearing ! Isn't it ? You 
may call rue herb o' grace on Sundays. Must I call myself 

Habitans in Sicco? 



The Rising Generation.— The Fenians. 



112 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 16, 1867. 




Enthusiastic Nimrod (who has mounted a friend). 
Perhaps we may find a Fox, yet ! " 



MISTAKEN KINDNESS. 

Shouldn't like to go Home without showing you any Sport, old Fellow ! 
[Friend (from the manufacturing districts) devoutly hopes not. 



CABMEN IN COUNCIL. 

The Cab-drivers of London met together the other evening at a 
public-house contiguous to the South- Western Railway Station, to 
declare their grievances, and protest against the aspersions which have 
been cast upon them. Their meeting was announced by a placard con- 
taining an address— " To Masters and Men — Now is your time, or 
never ! Let us make use of the words of the great Iron Duke : ' Up, 
boys, and at them ! ' " Appropriately to this legend, the cabmen's con- 
ference was held at (he Waterloo Tap. 

What the Duke of Wellington is reported to have said at 
Waterloo was, " Up, Guards, and at them ! " He used to deny that he 
had ever said any such thing. So in quoting the speech attributed to 
him it was as right to use the word " boys," as it would have been to 
put " Guards ; " and it was wise. Tor the calumniators of cabmen 
would have suggested as a prefix to " Guards " an epithet expressing 
a slander. 

Some remarkable things were said at this meeting. The Chairman, 
Mr. H. Wright, a coach- builder, stated that, " There was no class of 
men who received fewer halfpence and more kicks than the poor cab- 
men." This is very true. For the definition of " kick," in the cab- 
man's 'ordinary sense of the word, signifies " sixpence." A cabman 
does receive many more "kicks" than halfpence. But this is not 
monkey's allowance by any means. It is cabby's allowance. No man 
ever gives a cabman halfpence. Some ladies may. There are those 
among the fair sex who deem it not unfair to stint him to his legal fare 
of sixpence a mile. If they have not a sixpence about them, but only 
change for one, they will, rather than give him a shilling, give him 
sixpenn'orth of halfpence. That is the equivalent of a kick. 

Mr. Barnes, a cab-driver, in the course of moving a resolution, 
said, "He had been driving a cab for ten or twelve years, and he could 
safely say he had never seen a cab with two cushions of different 
colours as described by Mr. Cole at the meeting of the Society of 
Arts, or open to the various objections raised by that gentleman." 
Well, Mr. Barnes during all the time that he specified may have driven 
his own cab, and never looked inside of any other. If Mr. Cole's 



principal objection to cabs is that their cushions are too commonly of 
different colours, his experience of those conveyances is fortunate. No 
matter if the colours of a cab's two cushions are different so long as 
both of them are clean. 

Mr. Barnes concluded his speech with a statement that looks like 
some attempt at a joke. He asserted, "that country cousins often 
cheated the cabmen." By " cousins " perhaps he meant " cozeners." 
But how is it that cabmen are subject to be imposed upon by country- 
people rather than townsfolk ? Is the generic " young man from the 
country " a rogue so crafty that not only can you not get over him, 
but also that he is even capable of cheating a cabman ? 



ADVICE GRATIS. 



Chimney on Fire. Remedy and conduct— If your chimney should ever 
be on fire, wrap yourself up in a damp blanket and swallow a quarter 
of a pound of hot water. . 

Hysterics.— If any one goes off into hysterics, knock him down and 
pump on him : take off his shoes and hit him with them several times 
behind the ears. 

In the case of a lady, prepare to throw a mixture of sweet oil and soot 
over her dress. This will have the desired effect. 

Butter Scotch.— Receipt. Take an ugly Highlander. This will serve 
for the " Scotch." Tell him he 's the handsomest man you ever saw. 
This will butter him. And the thing is done. 

Cure for a Cold— Take two quarts of anything you like, rub in with 
soap and water, stir briskly and let some one stand lor five minutes 
while you're doing it. Then to bed, if it 's time. 

How to tame a Savage Mastiff who bites every one and cats children — 
Take out his teeth. 

Sic Omnes. 

The Athenceum musical critic, usually most conscientious, is this 
week unjust. He complains that Schumann's Stiicke im Volkston are 
" sickly." Nobody Sticks in Folkstone except those who feel sick-ish. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Hollord 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars 



s-ioarc, in the Pansn of St. James, Clerkenwell, >n the Count, of Middlesex, at the Printing Office, ot Messi* Bradbury. Evans , A Co., Lomb.rd 
, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of 8t. Bride, City of London.-BiTDRDii, March 10, 1867. 



March 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



113 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(The Horse from Brett's— Sporting — the Harriers.) 

[Diary and Notes for " Typical Developments." — Byng's place is cu- 
riously situated. Some people say it 's iu one country, some in another. 
Byng himself is uncertain, but has a leaning towards Hampshire, as 
savouring of the Forest (which is within a hundred miles or so), and of 
old families. The Telegraphic Guide and the Postal Guide differ as to 
the locality. Among its disadvantages may be reckoned the fact that 
you can get to Bang's by five different lines of rail from London, 
each one presenting some few lesser, some few greater, inconveniences. 
On one line you go through as far as Stopford, then wait for the 
half-past ten from Thistleborough, which, being an opposition, makes 
itself as disagreeable as possible, arriving late, snobbishly, to show its 
consequence, going beyond its mark, shunting backwards, grunting 
forwards, coquetting with the platform, frightening the passengers who 
are taking refreshment, and, in short, behaving generally in a very ill- 
conditioned manner. On another line to Byng's, you change three 
times ; but you get there, on the whole, quicker than by the Stopford 
Junction one. By this train you may calculate upon some difficulty 
with your luggage. On a third you only change once, and then you 
ate taken out in an, apparently, totally contrary direction to that in 
which you want to go. This causes anxiety, references to guide-books, 
searching questions of guards and porters as to what the name of the 
next station is (checking them by Bradshaw), and as to the time of 
arrival at one's destination. The fourth only has two trains in the day 
which stop at Bvng's station. If you want to go down to Byng's 
cither very early in the morning or very late at night, you can't do 
better than go by line No. 4. The fifth is uncertain, slow, safe, and 
only stops if you give notice previously to the guard — which regula- 
tion you discover after you 've passed Byng's station. I note all these 
things, because in Typical Developments, Vol. XL, Book 16, when I 
come to touch upon Geography and Geology, I shall be then able to 
offer to the world some theories on the probabilities of iron veins, coal 
strata, and chalk rock in this part of England. For this part unites in 
itself the peculiarities of the low marsh of Essex, the gravelly soil of 
Surrey, the woods of Hampshire, the rich meadows of Kent, the plains 
of Leicestershire, and the downs of Sussex. And all this I note down, 
having much leisure, and being very tired, but dreadfully wakeful at 
night, after a day with the Dishling Harriers. And I note it down 
for reasons as above stated, and also to account to myself for the varied 
country through which I have passed.— Diary.] 

Morning. — Down to breakfast. Earlier than usual. Half-aunt making 
tea. Milburd, as I enter, is asking " How far it is ? " 

Byng replies, "A mere trot over." 

Happy Thought.— Fridoline looking as bright as Aurora. 

Happy Thought. — Don't say it : keep it to myself. Aurora sounds 
like a roarer, and the ladies mightn't like it. 

" So soon ? " I ask. Don't I know ? " No, I don't." " Oh," says 
Byng, "we've found out the Dishling pack meets near here this 
morning, and so we 're going to have a run with them." 

Happy Thought.~-B.me a run without me. 

" I suppose he hasn't been able to get a horse for me ? " I ask this 
with a tinge of regret in my voice. If he says he hasn't been able, I 
5 hall be sorry ; if he says he has— why, I feel I must take my chance. 

Happy Thought. — Lots of people ride, and never have an accident. 

"Hasn't he?" he returns, heartily. His groom (confound him!) has 
been up and down the village since five o'clock, and has hit upon a 
very good one— about sixteen one— well up to my weight. " Carry 
you, in fact," says Milburd, "like a child." "1 suppose he's not a 
hunter, is he ? " 

Happy Thought— If he 's not a .hunter, of course I shan't risk him 
over fences and ditches. 

My doubts are set at rest by the groom, who enters at that moment. 
He informs me that " The old mare was reg'Iar hunted by Mr. Par- 
sons, and with you (me) on his back, Sir, she'll go over anything a'most." 

Fridoline exclaims, "Oh, how delicious! Shall we have much 
jumping ? It is such fun ! " 

Milburd appears to know the country. "It's all very easy," he 
says. "Into one field, pop out again" (this is his description),'" into 
another, over a hedge, little ditch, gallop across the open, little brook 
(nothing to speak of), sheep-hurdle, and then perhaps we may get a 
clear burst away on the downs." 

"I don't care about downs: there's no jumping there!" says 
Fridoline. 

Happy Thought— -Keep on the downs. 

I notice, on their rising from the table, that Milburd is in tops and 
breeches, and that Byng is in breeches and black boots. Both wear 
spurs. 

Happy Thought.— I can't hunt as I am. 

The half-uncle (who is not going— the coward !) says it won't matter 
—there 's little or no riding required with harriers. He pretends to 
wish he could join us— old humbug ! I wish he could. 1 should like 
to see lum popping out of one lield,5into another, over a hedge. 

vol. lii. i 



Byng has been considering. He has got by him an old pair of cords, 
but no boots. 

Happy Thought.— Can't hunt without boots. Great nuisance. Better 
give it up. Don't stop for me. 

A Happy Thought occurs to Milburd.— Patent leggings, fasten with 
springs. Antigropelos. 

I try them on. They do fit me ; at least, I imagine so (meaning the 
hunting breeches), though, never having worn hunting breeches before, 
I've got a sort of idea that they 're not quite the thing. So very tight 
in the knee. His leggings are patent antigropelos, which go over my 
stockings and boots. When I am dressed, I walk down-stairs, or 
rather, waddle down-stairs, and can't help remarking that "This is just 
the'sort of dress for riding in," or, by the way, for sitting in; but 
walking is out of the question. [I wonder if they do fit.] 

Fridoline, who looks so" bewitching in her "habit that I could fall 
down on my knees and offer her my hand at once— (My knees ! I don't 
think they do fit ; and I question whether this costume exhibits the 
symmetry of form so well as the modern' style) — Fridolinb says that 
I look quite military. (She means it as a compliment, but it isn't ; be- 
cause I want to look sportsmanlike). In antigropelos. if like anything. 
I resemble the Great Napoleon — from the knees. Milburd savs I 
ought to have spurs. I object to spurs. I feel that without spurs I 'm 
tolerably safe ; but if there 's a question of a spill, spurs will settle it. 
That 's my feeling about spurs. I only say, "Oh, don't trouble your- 
self." Byng is going to fetch them : " I can get on just as well without 
spurs." The groom savs,_ " She won't want spurs," which awakens me 
to the fact of the beast being now at the hall-door. A bright chestnut, 
very tall, broad, and swishing its tail; with a habit of looking back 
without turning its head (which movement is unnatural), as if to see if 
anyone is getting up. I ask is this mine ? I feel it is. It is. I can't 
help saying jocosely, as a reminder to others to excuse any short- 
comings in horsemanship on my part. " I haven't ridden for ever so 
long ; I 'm afraid I shall be rather stiff." If stiffness is all I 've to fear, 
I don't care. I wish we were coming home instead of starting. " Will 
I help Fridoline up ? " I will ; if only to cut out Milburd, and not 
lose an opportunity. What a difficult thing it is to help a lady on to 
her horse. After several attempts, I am obliged to give in. 

Happy Thought. — I must, practise this somewhere. Private lesson 
in a riding school. I feel I've fallen in her estimation. I feel I 'm no 
longer the bold dragoon to her. I apologise for my feebleness. She 
says it doesn't matter. Misery ! to fail and be feeble before the woman 
you adore. 

"DOD." 

Dod's Parliamentary Companion, 1867. Whittaker & Co. 

Puff it ! We should rather think that we would puff it, not that it 
needs puffing, for it is simply a necessary of life to any person who 
goes out to dinner. Many sensible people carry it in their pockets, 
and as soon as they have taken stock of the party, before going down, 
manage a quiet peep at the biography of the Members of Parliament 
who may be in the room. We know a case in which a young gentle- 
man secured a capital marriage by means of Dod, from having 
contrived to read up the political history of the father of a young 
lady whom he led to the table and has since led to the altar. We 
know of another case in which similar knowledge, so obtained, was so 
ably used in talk with an M.P.'s wife that a gentleman obtained an 
invitation to unlimited shooting in one of the best counties. He who 
is not up in his Dod. in these davs, is unfit for anv society whatever. 
We have carefully perused the volume, and have discovered only one 
mistake — the Garrick Club is' said to be in New King Street, but that 
street now takes its name, from the'distinguished club itself. We find 
everything that one can want to know about the Legislative "Wisdom. 
It just occurs to us, however, that in the'next edition it might be well 
to add a word as to the kind of dinners given by each Member — thus, 
"Dinners at home. Bather stuck up, but capital wine." " Gives 
dinners at his club; good ones." "Seldom gives dinners, but his wife's 
dances are things to get to." "Awfully stingy, but very readv to dine 
out." "Excellent dinners, but too many parsons." "Tolerable 
dinners ; advertised wine." With this addition to our political know- 
ledge, Dod's Parliamentary Companion would be perfect. 



Scotch and Irish. 

At a meeting of the Cupar Volunteers, held the other evening, the 
members of that gallant corps, with Captain Hogartii at their head, 
declared themselves willing to be sent to Ireland, and aid in suppressing 
the Fenian rebellion. Scotland's liegemen might be trusted to give a 
good account of Ireland's traitors. As yet, the snake of Irish treason 
is " scotched, not killed ; " but a corps of Scottish Volunteers would 
scotch it effectually. 

"The Burglar's Companion. — How to. bone anything locked up. 
Use a skeleton key. 



114 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 23, 18o7. 



>=^> 




RATHER TOO LITERAL. 

Country Gentleman (in a rage). "Why, what have you been up to, you Idiot? You've let him down, and : 

New Groom. " Yes, yer Honner, ye tould me to Break him ; an' Bruk he is, Knees an' all, worse Luck ! " 



A LITTLE WORD FROM A LITTLE BIRD. 

Kind Mb. Punch,— A day or two ago, as I was hopping along a 
gutter, my attention was attracted to a little bit of newspaper, on 
which I read this cruel and unmanly notice : — 

A GENTLEMAN and thorough Sportsman is FORMING a SHOOT- 

**• ING CLUB (at starlings and sparrows only) at the West End of London. 
Should this advertisement meet the eye of any person of known respectability who 
may wish to become a member, he can have further particulars by writing to 
"A. B. C," stating name and address, which is indispensable. At present the club 
consists of six members. 

As I reside at the West End, I can't help feeling nervous at the 
sight of this advertisement, especially as I happen to oe contemplating 
matrimony. The weather lias been so cold that I have not paired as 
yet, but 1 have chirruped my addresses to one whom I may hope ere 
long to cherish as my wife, and from whose beak I have heard a few 
sweet twitters of affection. But am I justified in marrying when such 
dangers as above are threatened stare me in the face ? If shooting clubs 
are formed for killing London sparrows, my wife and I ean hardly hope 
to live in safety, and we may any day be murdered and our children 
left to starve. I had always fancied London was, comparatively 
speaking, a safe place for a sparrow, because nobody went shooting in 
it, and the only real causes of anxiety were cats. But it seems I am 
mistaken, and I fear that I must either break off my engagement and 
live as an old bachelor, or else persuade my wife to fly with me for 
safety to some street at the East End, where, although her genteel 
feelings will be hurt by the migration, she will not be potted by these 
sportsmen of the West. 

Begging you lo say a bad word for their club, allow me, Sir, to 
chirp myself yours humbly, A CoCK SpAKB0W# 

P.S. I should have thought a "thorough sportsman" would have 
scorned to bag cock-sparrows ! And what can make him so particular 
about the "known respectability" of men who join his club. Is 
shooting a cock-sparrow such an exclusive kind of sport that no one 
but a " gentleman " can properly delight in it ? 



ANOTHER PIECE OF SECRET HISTORY. 

Sir John Pakington's Droitwich revelations of the Reform diffi- 
culties of the Cabinet are so very edifying, it is a pity they should 
be left incomplete. Mr. Punch is glad to supplement them with a 
remarkable historical anecdote for which he can vouch the very highest 
authority. 

When Lord D. waited on a certain Exalted Personage to lay before 
her the conclusions of the Cabinet with respect to their Reform 
Bill,— 

"I think, my Lord," remarked the Exalted Personage, "that your 
Lordship's Cabinet is likely to make about as great a mess of Reform 
as the last Cabinet did." 

" Your M— j— ty," was his Lordship's reply, " will be graciously 
pleased to remember that Besjamin's mess was five times as great as 
that of any of his brethren." 

If Sir John Pakington had only written to us, we should have 
been delighted to put this interesting incident of contemporary history 
at bis service, for the further entertainment of the enlightened consti- 
tuency of Droitwich. 



Pigs of Great Price. 



The pigs of iron which the dockyards were discovered by Mr. 
Seely to have been paved with, were appraised by the Woolwich 
officials at only £1 per ton. A much higher estimate of their value, 
reported by Messrs. George Ryland & Co., is confirmed by a scien- 
tific analysis from Dr. Percy. They turn out to be worth from £3 to 
£4 per ton, and upwards. These pigs of iron may therefore be re- 
garded as a sort of prize pigs. After the name of their discoverer, they 
have been denominated ' Mr. Seely's Pigs." They belong, however, 
to Government ; and, seeing the prices at which they are valued, we 
are justified in saying that the Admiralty have had their pigs driven to 
a pretty market. For this the nation should be grateful to Mr. Seely, 
who has saved so much of its bacon. 



March 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



115 




"TILITY GENT 



116 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 23, 1867. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

laring up suddenly on 
Monday, March 11, the 
Lord Russell, late Pre- 
mier, created a sort of 
sensation, which was not 
confined to the Ministerial 
ranks. It> is the special 
gift of Earl Russell to 
make his friends feel that 
they are never quite safe 
with him. His bolt out 
of a Ministry reminds 
them of a thunderbolt out 
of a cloudless sky. ,But 
to-night it pleased i him 
to scare an unoffending 
Opposition. Everybody 
knew, at that period of the 
Reform campaign, that 
the awful syllables House- 
hold Suffrage were some- 
how to be made into 
Household Words, and 
that Ministers (who intro- 
duce a new Reform Bill 
Once a Week) meant to 
enfranchise men'who hold 
houses All the Year 
Round. The Earl, taking 
for his text Mr.Disraeli's 
ingenious allegation — 
which might as well be 
called alligator, by reason of the crooodilean'character of the lament- 
that the Keform Bill had robbed the working classes of votes, pro- 
ceeded to set forth his own views. He said that such a plan as he 
understood was in preparation would simply accord what was demanded 
in Trafalgar Square, namely, Residential Manhood Suffrage, and 
he objected to adopting in the Nineteenth Century the principles 
of the Sixteenth. He was for admitting the best class of artisan to 
the suffrage, but he would not swamp the middle classes, who ought 
to compose the substantial part of the electoral body. 

The Premier, afler complimenting his predecessor on his " interest- 
ing ante- biographical reminiscences," intimated that he ought not to 
discuss a Bill of which he knew nothing. This, of course, was the 
obvious official reply. But Mr. Punch takes the liberty of suspecting 
that Lord Russell's speech was not displeasing to Lord Derby. 
Further, while Mr. Punch is taking liberties, he will go on to suspect 
that the speech was not calculated to afford the highest conceivable 
amount of pleasure to certain Liberals in another place. In fact, 
Mr. Punch heard, " below the gangway," the most unkind things said 
of the Earl. Some persons pleaded, feebly, that he wanted to frighten 
the Government out of Reform and office together, but this Happy 
Thought was laughed at by some others, who said that Lord Russell 
was at his old games, and was trying to make dis-union in the Liberal 
army. Mr. Gladstone did not say anything, but we happen to know 
that he thought the more. The speech was certainly not in the Flesh- 
and-Blood style, of which by the way we shall probably hear less for 
the future, inasmuch as Alderman Lusk, apologising for the Guard- 
ians of the Poor, declared that those persons also were our own flesh 
and blood. Potier, Odgers, Rogers, Bubb and that lot have already 
denounced Lord Russell as a traitor, who has committed what they 
call political suicide, but we are happy to learn, on inquiring at 
Chestiam Place, that the Earl is as well as can be expected. 

This was the political event of the week preceding the Third Grand 
Reform Bill. The absconding of the three discontented Ministers caused 
the pretty yet athletic parlour game, the Postman, to be played by the 
others : Pakington ran from the Admiralty to the War Office, 
Northcote from the Board of Trade to India, and Dux Bucking- 
ham from the President's Chair to the Colonies. Mr. Corry is the 
new Irish Lord, INorthcote's place is taken by Dux Richmond, 
and Dux Buckingham's by Dux Marlborough. There has been 
quite a run upon strawberry leaves, and the Ministry is really a 
Dukery. 

None of the plans for the new National Gallery will do, and Lord 
John Manners is unable to say what course Government will take. 
Surely, after the splendid series of designs recently furnished by Mr. 
Punch, there ought to be no difficulty. Why is not Our Mr. Bennett 
sent for, or rather, waited upon by Lord John ? 

We do not proclaim martial law in Ireland, but the Eenians are to 
be tried by four special commissions, instanter. What King Henry 
the Fourth said at Ivry would seem to apply in Ireland :— 

' ' No native Pat 's our foe, 
Up, up with every Yankee Pat, but let home-donkeys go." 



Mr. Hardy's excellent Bill for the benefit of the Sick Poor went 
through Committee, and later in the week passed, amid cheers. Mr. 
Hardy has shown himself an able and useful Minister : but it was 
not for his abilities that the non-intellectual part of the University of 
Oxford substituted him for Mr. Gladstone, so our compliments are 
addressed to himself and not to his constituents. 

The Duty on Dogs Bill passed the Commons, and it is to be hoped 
that the Tax Officials will go to work in earnest, and exterminate the 
mongrels who, without contributing to the support of their country's 
institutions, bite children's legs. 

Tuesday. Our American Colonies Confederation Bill has passed both 
Houses. The consolidation is therefore accomplished. We observe 
that the United States Congress has appointed a Committee to consider 
the subject. This is awfully polite. 

Mr. Ewart brought in a Bill for enabling persons to study in the 
Universities without being members of any college or hall. Sir 
William Heathcote, Member for Oxford, said that some such 
measure was now under the gaze of that Eye of England. The only 
objection, to Mr. Punch's mind, is that non-members will have no 
college names to be bellowed at them in the boat-races. However, 
" Go it, Outsides ! " " Pull, Dayboys ! " might serve to convey the 
required admonitions. 

Mr. M'Lagan, (Who is he, Dod? 0, Peter'MLagan, Linlith- 
gowshire, Liberal Conservative, first elected 1865 ; thanks.) got a 
Committee to sit on fires. Also to consider the best way of preventing 
them. Perhaps the title of his seat, Pumpherston, suggested fire- 
engines to the Honourable Member. Anyhow, he has done a very 
sensible and useful thing. Would anybody like statistics. Out of 
9346 fires, 2500 were caused by curtains, 932 by gas, and 100 by 
carelessness. This seems an idiotic classification. Do curtains take 
fire spontaneously P Reading in bed was savagely denounced in the 
House. We always practise it — there is no opiate like the report of a 
debate. 

Wednesday. Suppose that a public meeting is held. Some malicious 
ass, whom we will call Titius (after the manner of the legalists, though 
we could easily find an English name for him) gets up and utters a 
libel against somebody else, whom we will call Junius. The reporters 
are present, and next day the public reads the libel in the pages of the 
— let us say The Bay, as that is the last new thing in newspapers, and 
we delight to welcome a fresh brother. Junius is in a rage, and goes 
to his attorney, desiring him to punish Titius. " I can't," says Mr. 
Lex. " But I can bring an action against The Bay for reporting him." 
" Well, punish somebody or something," says the raging; Junius. 
So the attorney goes to work, and the newspaper, which has merely 
reported the proceedings at a public meeting, as it is bound to do, is 
mulcted because it did not give a garbled report. 

Sir Colman O'LoGHLENthas introduced a Bill for putting the saddle 
on the right horse. Yet even this, though it was 'approved by Sir 
John Karslake, for Government, was cavilled at. We have not 
always the happiness to agree with our friend and neighbour the 
Morning Star, but its observation on this.debate is singularly fortunate. 
"Member after Member spoke in a tone that could have been justified 
only if the Press had been.a Necessary Evil which the libel law alone 
could hold in check." It'was actually urged that a " man of straw " 
would be set up to utter slanders at a sham meeting. What trash ! 
What respectable newspaper reports such meetings ? How much space 
does a first-class newspaper bestow on even real meetings where the 
men are nobodies and the objects are absurd ? What paper reports the 
nonsense of the Beales and Potter gathering P But the Three Estates 
have not yet learned to love the Fourth. [N.B. The Three Estates are 
the Lords Spiritual, the Lords Temporal, and the.Commons, you Ass.] 
Mr. Punch who, though menaced oft, has never had a libel case proved 
against him — except once, when a country jury gave a Jew something 
in compensation for an apology which the jury were too stupid to 
understand— nevertheless has deep sympathy with his brethren, and 
hopes that this Bill will pass. 

Thursday. A long night was given up to War, the Lords being on 
Recruiting, the Commons on the Navy Estimates. Mr. Gladstone, 
for some mystic reason, objected to hear Lord Henry Lennox, the 
Admiralty Secretary, on the latter, because his chief was away, getting 
re-elected, and there was some rather smart sparring. Lord Henry 
showed a gentleman's spirit, and refused to speak on sufferance. But 
being assured that no discourtesy was meant, he moved the Estimates 
in a very good speech, aud asked for Eleven Millions of Golden 
Sovereigns. No vote was taken, however. 

Mr. James White, the loud Member for Brighton, caught it. He 
tried to be smart on Mr. Disraeli, with] a bit borrowed from 
Sheridan. Mr. Disraeli quietly said that he supposed he need not 
detain the House with remark on what had fallen from " the Successor 
to Sheridan." The Commons roared, and the name will.stick. 

Friday. " Over thy battlements, Belgrade," the crescent has been set 
since 1813, when the noble Czerni George was compelled to abandon 
it to the Turks. Nobody ought to forget Dr. Croli's fine poem, or 



March 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



117 



how when the Servian patriot was brought out to be beheaded, he saw 
the Moslem flag waving where he had set the Cross, 

"Nor saw 
The hurried glare of the Pasha, 
Nor saw the headsman's backward leap 
To give his blade the wider sweep. 
Down came the blow. The self-same smile 
Was lingering on the dead lip still, 
When 'mid the throng the pikeman bore 
The bloody head of the Pandour." 

He is avenged. The Pkime Minister of England announced to-night 
in the House of Peers that the Sultan resigns Belgrade to the Servians, 
It is stipulated that the crescent is still to wave ; but that sign will 
soon disappear, for Belgrade is " the key of the position," and Servia's 
independence is but an affair of time— probably a short time. Here 
beginneth a new chapter of the Eastern Question. 

To-day the Conservatives met at Lord Derby's for a rehearsal of 
one of the two screaming farces of the day, which are " The Tory 
Reform Bill," and "The Eyre Prosecution." The Bill was read. 
But Mr. Punch will not forestal the splendid Essence of next week. 

Divers things were done in both Houses. The Sandwich men— the 
advertising board carriers — were put down. Flogging in the Army 
was condemned by a majority of 1 in the Commons, 108 to 107, whereat 
Mr. Punch expresses his extreme satisfaction. Keep the Cat— and 
use it freely, too — for the punishment of ruffianism. 



THE ONE-HORSE-SHAY." 

{Tat lean Version). 

While the PorE continues Lord 

He can certainly afford 
To claim all egards that Ministers to Monarchs use to pay, 

And Diplomatists who drive 

To his levees should contrive 
Some vehicle more stylish than a one-horse-shay. 

Baron Hubner, it is true, 

As Austria's cordon bleu, 
Has a papal dispensation his visits thus to pay : 

But no less true son of Church, 

Can be allowed to perch, 
1 j i anything so vulgar as a one-horse-shay. 

Baron Arnim who the place 

Of Pruss Minister doth grace, 
Where o'er the Seven Hills Antonelli holds his sway, 

From his palace, on the sly, 

Baron Hubner did espy 
To the Vatican-door driving in his one-horse-shay. 

Hubner's cheap turn-out to view 

Arnim looked quite Prussian blue, 
And to himself indignantly in highest Dutch did say, 

" What Austria can do 

Is permitted Prussia too ; 
So /'// call on Pio Nono in a one-horse-shay." 

Then his heyduk he bade fly 

To the livery stables nigh, 
And engage a single brougham upon the lev^e day, 

And with moustache new blacked, 

And tight-buttoned coat, he packed 
Prussia's diplomatic fortunes in that one-horsc-snay. 

On the Swiss guard down he bore 

At the Vatican front door, 
Who stood stiffly at attention, nor for the Brougham made way, 

But, as on the one steed went 

Brought his piece to the "present," 
And sternly barred the passage of the one-norse-shay ! 

From his seat the coachman stormed 

Inside the baron warmed 
With such heat as a baron diplomatic can display ; 

But in spite of coachman's row, 

And diplomatist's black brow, 
There was nothing l'or't but turning tail and one-horse-shay, 

With a frown like Jove in ire, 

Arnim gave the word " Retire," 
Vowing dearly for that stoppage to make Antonelli pay ; 

And as he drove out,— Oh, sin !— 

Baron Hubner he drove in, 
And bowed, calm and complacent, from his one-horse-shay ! 



Outraged Arnim thundered straight 

To Antonelli's gate, — 
'Twas no rule that to his presence only pairs should make their way,- 

And indignant begged to know, 

What the Swiss should undergo 
Who had dared to bar the passage of his one-horse-shay ? 

Quoth the Cardinal so bland, 

" I cannot understand 
Why a man who 's done his duty any penalty should pay. 

We ought rather to reward 

Helvetia's faithful guard, 
Who has braved e'en Prussia's envoy in a one-horse-shay. 

His Holiness the Pope 
_ May not be armed to cope 
With his enemies — may even be hard up in many ways ; 

But he 's so much sovereign still 

That upon his private hill 
He won't receive ambassadors in one-horse-shays." 

So the Cardinal's short-cut 

Arnim. found that he must put 
In his Prussian pipe, and smoke it as best he may. 

And since then his awful ire, 

He has nursed, but none the nigher 
Finds entry to the Vatican per one-horse-shay. 

While the majesty of Home, 

That from its seven-hilled home, 
Excommunicated monarchs, and made continents obey, 

Is so much out of joint, 

That at the bayonet's point 
It is proud to win its triumph o'er a one-horse-shay ! 



OFFICIAL CHANGES. 



The President of the College of Surgeons will try his hand at finan- 
cial operations, and open the next Budget. 

Sir Richard Mayne will, after Easter, wield the baton as Conductor 
of the Royal Italian Opera. Rumour points to a distinguished Cook 
as likely to undertake the care of the Police. Another Candidate for 
the office is the Constable of the Tower. 

The post of Hydrographer has been offered to C. Stanpield, R.A. 

Usher of the Black Rod is to be Head Master of Eton. 

It is not improbable that Mr. Tennyson will in future devote him- 
self to the Management of the London and N orth- Western Railway. 

Mr. Whalley has engaged to edit a new Catholic paper. Mr. New- 
degate will supply the Ecclesiastical Intelligence. 

The Astronomer Royal is mentioned as willing to become Registrar 
of the Order of the Garter, and look after the Stars. 

The Master of the Mint is about to commence practice as an Election 
Agent. 

The control of the operations of the Mendicity Society has passed 
into the hands of the Captain of the Band of Gentlemen Pensioners. 

The Master of the Horse is negotiating for the use of the Agricul- 
tural Hall as a Circus. 

Mr. Beales will shortly be gazetted as Ranger of Hyde Park. 

Mr. George Potter becomes a Field-Marshal in the British Army. 

Mr. Beresford Hope is to be Dean of the Arches. 

Something has been said with reference to a substitute for Mr. 
Disraeli. One of the Jugglers who have lately astonished the. town 
with their tricks was named as a worthy successor. He would make 
a tip-top Minister.-. __^ 

Prescription for the Sick Man. 

Tinct. diplom. 3iij- 

Mendac. Hellenic |viij. 

Insid. Tartaric 3v. 

Am. Prop. Gallic. 3x. 

Neutral. Britan 3ij. 

Fiat mistura, de die in diem sumenda, quanto ssepius tanto melius. 
In aqua calida teneatur «ger, et saepius per ambass. quatietur. 



THE WORKING-MEN S ADVISER. 



On the stump at a meeting convened last Saturday week in Trafalgar 
Square, Mr. George Potter delivered an oration which, according to 
a report of it, " he concluded by calling on the working-classes to be 
up and doing." It is gratifying to find Mr. George Potter giving 
such good advice to the working-classes. They cannot do better than 
practise early rising and industry. Let them listen to Mr. Potter 
when he recommends them to be up and doing, but turn a deaf ear to 
him when he tells them to be up and idling. 



118 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 23, 1867. 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. 1. 

Mr. John Joseph Jackson, Stockbroker — Widower and Childless — House in Bayswatir — Brougham in perspective. His first Marriage was 
not a happy one. 

Miss Margaret Browne, daughter oj « Professional Man in Oower Street, eldest of ten. Has had the Hooping-cough and Measles, and got 
over a mild attack of first love. Is a moderate linguist, and plays and sings — also in moderation. 

[Mr. J. J. J. looks rather ridiculous just at present, but he is under the influence oj strong emotion. Mr. Punch advises Miss M. B. 
to turn round and say " Yes," as he thinks on the whole this will prove a not undesirable match. 



ALL EIGHT FOR THE EOUGHS. 

Now is the time for us, my pals : the place Trafalgar Square ; 
Another Demonstration for Reform 's to come off there. 
And then whilst Beales is holding forth, and Bradlaugh speechifies, 
Oh, won't we frisk the tickers, and, oh, won't we fake the dies ! 

"lis Saturday when working-men has leisure time to spend, 
With wages in their pockets— if they only would attend ; 
'Ow we'd improve the shinin 'our, as doth the busy bee, 
So as for to enjoy the gains of honest industry ! 

Beales. he is called the People's Friend ; George Potter 's called 

the same; 
N o doubt but one 's as worthy as the other hof the name : 
But, when they drors the people for to toiler at their 'eels. 
Us coves' perticlar friends is then George Potter and old Beales. 

'Cause why, there 's no occasion for to do a little job, 
Safe as the hopportunity created by a mob ; 
Wherein, catch e'er a cove as looks respectable astray, 
'Ow heasy for to bonnet him, hand bear the swag away ! 

Two hundred thousand men or more is promised for to walk 
Through London streets agin, which, if agin it ain't all talk, 
And there 's no special constables the thoroughfares to sweep, 
Will yield us sich an 'arvest as we shan't be slow to reap. 

What 's a few Bobbies ere and there to deal with sich a lot f 
We shall be free the passengers to hustle and garotte, 
For vitch the demonstrationists may bear the wictim's blame, 
Their monster demonstrations is wot suits our little game. 



Most 'ighly I approves the course they 're suffered to pursue, 
To terrify the Government and Legislature too ; 
From which we may look forward to an 'appy coming time, 
No Punishment for ever, and the Liberty of Crime. 

'Tis fun to hear by shopkeepers what sad complaints is made, 
That demonstrations in the streets does injury to trade. 
We finds 'em good for bisnis, if they inders lawful gain, 
And let us 'ope the next one won't be scattered by the rain. 

There isn't any favour that we sooner would entreat, 
Than an obstruction for to be created in the street ; 
And we, my pals, must own what hobligations we all feels, 
Towards our patron Potter hand our benefactor Beales. 



SEMPER PARATUS. 



Who 's afraid ? The Engine-drivers are going to strike. Let 'em. 
Stop all railways and letters. What do we care ? We don't want to 
go out of town, and we certainly don't want to see anybody from the 
country, and we only hate one thing more than writing letters, and that 
is receiving them. We shall telegraph the contents of Punch to the 
clergy and other ministers of the provinces, who will impart our 
wisdom and wit to their flocks at special services, and remit us the 
results of the collections. Does anybody think that Punch is afraid of 
a crisis. Let the crisis try, that's all. But, on the whole, he thinks 
that the Engine-men have a good deal to say for themselves, and 
though he does not care which way the thing goes, he rather advises 
the Directors to come to terms. Roo-ey-too-ey-too. 



A Political Mem.— Some people are of opinion that Cumulative 
Voting is a heap of nonsense. 



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March 23, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



121 



AX INVISIBLE ECLIPSE. 

Deab Punch, 

I -wish you 'dsay a word to the fellows who write Almanacks. 
Whenever an eclipse of the sun is on the cards, they tell us, nine 
times out of ten, it will be " visible at Greenwich." So they said of 
the eclipse which came off the other day, and, as I am rather a scientific 
party, I went to Greenwich solely, or, if you like it, solarly to see what 
I could see of it. Of course you can't expect a man in these east- 
windy times to tumble out of bed at the unearthly hour of eight, and, 
as the " greatest obscuration " was to be soon after nine, I went down 
over-night that I might be upon the spot. This arrangement naturally 
involved a Greenwich dinner, and a pretty bill to pay tor it : and dining 
there in solitude, when whitebait is out of season, is not an enter- 
tainment likely to excite the envy of your friends. But what I most 
complain of is that the eclipse was not "visible at Greenwich," though 
the Almanacks had promised it. I got up at six o'clock, in order to 
be ready, and I cut myself in shaving, as I almost always do after 
dining down at Greenwich, and I choked myself by swallowing a cup 
of scalding coffee, as I invariably do when 1 am starting on a journey, 
which in this instance I wasn't, except just into the park. Then, after 
making the terrific ascent of One Tree Hill, in order to be somewhat 
nearer to the sky, I stood for two whole hours, as Dr. Johuson said, 
" like patients on the monument," to make a scientific observation of 
the sun. But as the sun did not shine, the eclipse was not " visible 
at Greenwich," as predicted, and the only observation it enabled me 
to make was to the effect that I had better have been in bed. 

I think that when the Almanacks promise that eclipses will be 
" visible at Greenwich," they should add, in a parenthesis, the words 
''weather permitting," as a caution to such amateur astronomers as 

Simple Simon. 

P.S. A scientific friend of mine, who happens to be a Frenchman, 
writes to say that he is busily engaged upon a paper he is going to read 
before a learned Societe des Savants, to prove that solar eclipses never 
can by any chance be " visible at Greenwich ;" it being, firstly, granted 
that Greenwich is in England, and secondly, that, as every Frenchman 
knows, the sun never shines there. 



ASTOUNDING SELF-DENIAL. 

Sir, — So many wonderful things have happened of late years, that I 
had begun to think I should never wonder at anything again. But 
I do wonder at the following statement in that capital paper the Sunday 
Gazette : — 

" General Peel. — Although it will not have the effect of increasing the public 
appreciation of the high honour of General Peel, it may be well to draw attention 
to the fact that had the General remained in office for another eight days, he would 
have completed the two years' aggregate service which renders retired Secretaries 
of State eligible for a pension of £2000 a year. There certainly is no vacancy now 
on the list, which is limited to four ; but General Peel, had he been less high- 
minded, might, by holding on for a few days, place himself in a position to receive 
such a pension at a future time." 

I wonder, in the first place, whether the foregoing statement is true. 
If it is true, I wonder if Geneiial Peel has more money than he 
knows what to do with. I wonder if anybody can have so much money 
as that. I wonder what else could induce anyone to waive his lawful 
right to £2000 a-year at the expense of nobody but the public at large. 
I wonder if public spirit could. If so, I wonder how much the spirit 
was above proof. I wonder if public spirit, when very strong, can get 
into people's heads. I wonder if it got into General Peel's. I 
wonder if any amount of it would make me decline to accept any 
amount of money that the public would pay me. 1 wonder if I speak 
for others besides myself in professing to be, Yours truly, 

Episcopus. 

GIVING THEMSELVES HAIRS. 
Dear Punch, 

Ladies (married ones, of course) often hint to me their wonder 
at my remaining single ; and this they usually contrive to do with such 
impertinence of words, or with such a facial expression of pity or con- 
tempt, as shows they think a bachelor well-nigh beneath their notice. 
Now, of course, I never am so brutal as to argue with a woman, or I 
flatter myself, 1 easily could give sufficient reasons for my preferring a 
cigar to a crinoline and chignon. Yet, since ladies usually read Punch, 
I leel very strongly tempted to adduce one single instance of the ways 
in which young women now deter young men from marriage. Here, if 
you will let me, I will cite it from the Times .— 

" The number of chignons exported from France to England during the past year 
was 11,9j4, in addition to which there was exported a sufficient quantity of hair for 
1 000 chignons to be made up in England. The total value of the exports of hair and 
chignons from France during 1865 amounted to 1,206,605 f, or upwards of £45,000 
thelisf '- g took the Ur 8 est quantity, and the United States figure next on 

Somebody or other once said something or other about Beauty having 
drawn him with a single hair." But I may confidently say that 



Beauty will never draw me into wedlock by buying foreign hair where- 
with to] make a chignon. A girl who 'catches a husband by such a 
snare 'as this is guilty of obtaining matrimony under false pretences. 
" A bas les chignons .'" say I. Give Nature fair play, and put an end to 
the purchase of capillary attractions and their parasites. Conceive the 
horror of a husband at finding that his wife took her hair off every 
night, together with her earrings ! With all my love for Angelina, I 
should not like to find that she wore, usually, a wig ; and this is really 
what is meant by the wearing of a chignon. The Venus Calva was 
worshipped in Old Rome, I am aware ; but I am not prepared to pay 
my homage to bald beauty. So at present I prefer to sign myself, 

tours truly, C(ELEBS Smm 



REFORM FOR ROGUES. 



Some people, when highly delighted with themselves, have a way of 
chuckling, grinning, and rubbing their hands together, as though in the 
act of washing them. Many such people, resident in Southwark and 
elsewhere, were probably excited to make those demonstrations by the 
perusal, in their newspapers, of the following statement : — 

" Watering the Milk. — The police tribunal of Zug in Switzerland, has just con- 
demned a landowner, who had been convicted of putting water in his milk, and 
had thus caused a loss to the purchaser, a dealer in that commodity, to eighteen 
months' imprisonment, the loss of civic rights, and costs." 

The small tradesmen in the Borough who were slightly fined the 
other day for cheating their customers by means of .false weights and 
measures must use that gesture of washing the hands vigorously, and 
make joyous grimaces, whenever they consider how lightly they were 
let off in comparison with the Swiss landowner, who got eighteen 
months for watering his milk, with costs to pay in addition, and for- 
feiture of his rights as a citizen. 

Now that a Reform Bill is on the stocks, including disfranchisement, 
a clause might be introduced into it, disfranchising not only all corrupt 
electors, but likewise all convicted rogues, and punishing falsification 
of weights and measures, and adulteration of commodities, with that 
same loss of civic rights, as well as that term of imprisonment which 
the enlightened legislation of Zug awarded to the gentleman who eked 
out his supply of milk for the market with liquid derived from the cow 
with the iron tail. 



A TRAP TO CATCH A SOLDIER. 

"The broad feature," says the United Service Gazette, "of the 
scheme proposed by the Government for the amelioration of the 
condition of the soldier, is the grant of an extra 2d. per day, or 3d. to 
those who are in their second period 'of service." The Government 
expects that recruits enough to supply the deficiency of the British 
army will be tempted to enter it and remain in it by these additional 
browns. " It is not proposed, however," says our military and naval 
contemporary, " to make any addition to the present rate of pension, 
to increase the ration of meat, or to make any considerable reduction 
in the stoppage for necessaries." These arrangements appear to have 
been made in the belief that the population includes a very large num- 
ber of men, capable of bearing arms, who are very incapable of earning 
a decent living, or providing for their old age. They are not calculated 
to attract the class of recruits who now refuse to enlist for soldiers 
because they are too wise. Rational beings will insist on rational 
treatment, which the soldier cannot get without an increase of his 
ration of meat ; and unless the stoppage for necessaries is put a stop 
to, there is likely to be a continued stoppage of enlistment on the part 
of all men much above the mark of fools and paupers. 



RITUALISM IN THE KITCHEN. 

This very odd advertisement appeared on the 9th instant in the 
Somerset Gazette : — 

WANTED, in a Ritualistic Family, a SITUATION as COOK. Ten 
months' character. No Protestant need apply. 

Do the Ritualists fast often, and generally go without their dinners 
on a Friday ? If so, there is some reason in a cook, if she be lazy, 
desiring to enter the service of a Ritualist, where- she will once a week 
be spared the labour of preparing a family repast. Otherwise, we 
cannot see what connection there can be between high-ohurchism and 
cookery, or why the maker of a pudding should expressly take the 
trouble to stipulate beforehand that the family who eat of it must be 
of those who use a special form of public prayer. 



Very Natural. 

" The Pope," said Paterfamilias, reading his newspaper aloud, " dis- 
approves of the proposed liquidation of the Church property in Italy." 
" To be sure he does, Papa," observed his daughter Caroline ; 
" because of course the liquidation would make it all run away." 



12: 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 23, 1867. 




=W 



SCEPTICAL. 



First Unbeliever. "Well, I don't Know his Regiment, but Tom introduced 
him as Captain Cockshot." 

Second ditto. "On, every one is a Captain now, especially at Balls. I 
never Believe in anything under a Major ! " 



AN OUTRAGE ON AN ISM. 

We are "never tired of hearing it repeated that the 
French mind is pre-eminently logical. John Bull cannot 
be too often admonished of its vast superiority in point of 
logic to his own. Every opportunity ought to be taken 
of beating that truth into his head. Let nim, then, know 
that, at Paris, according to a contemporary's own corre- 
spondent : — 

" The manager, editor, and printer of the journal the Libre Pemie, 
have been subjected to a criminal prosecution for a series of articles 
which appeared in that Paper on the 20th and 25th of January and 
the 5th of February, on subjects of controversial theology. In 
one of these the author attacks Catholicism, which he declares to 
be 'a rotten trunk, a receptacle of death whose fatal emanations 
spread all around desolation and solitude.' The manager of the paper 
has been sentenced to three months' imprisonment, and the editor 
to four months, and to pay each a fine of 300 fr. , together with the 
expenses of the proceedings." 

Is it not obvious that Catholicism' is not a rotten 
trunk, and a receptacle of death whose fatal emanations 
spread all around desolation and solitude? Is it not 
manifest that the faith of three hundred millions of man- 
kind, mostly civilised, cannot be either the decayed body 
of a tree, or an overcrowded cemetery j or that, even if it 
can be one or the other of these things, it cannot be both 
of them ? " No," answer a French Government, a French 
judge, and a French jury. "It is not obvious. It is not 
manifest. There is too much verisimilitude in that de- 
scription of Catholicism. There are too many people who 
are likely to believe a good deal of it, if not all. The 
truth, moreover, is that, if any argument about it were 
permitted, too much of it could be apparently proved. Let 
us not, therefore, contemptuously leave it to meet with a 
refutation which it will not receive. Our wisest plan is to 
silence its promulgators. Accordingly we will sentence 
the manager and editor of the Libre Pensee to fine and 
imprisonment." This is logic. 

Here, in England, Papists and Protestants are free to 
abuse each other's respective isms as much as they please, 
so long as they refrain from libelling one another or any 
one else. John Bull cannot see who is wronged by the 
abuse of an ism. Of course that blindness is owing to 
bis want of logic. 



NEW music. 



Shortly will be published, a companion song to Riding 
through the Broom, to be entitled Driving in the Brougham. 



AN EVENTFUL TEN MINUTES. 

" Lord Derby had to address the Conservative party at two o'clock. He did not 
think they had more than ten minutes in which to make up their minds. They 

knew the result. It was determined by a majority of the Cabinet to propose 

not the BiU which had been agreed to on the Saturday, but an alternative measure 
in the place of the larger and bolder Bcheme."— Sir J. Pakikoton'b Speech at 
Droitwich, Wednesday, March 13. 

Ten minutes — one sixth of an hour — 

To settle the " Yes " or the " No," 
Whereon hangs the balance of power 

Of classes high, middle, and low. 
The time could not well have been shorter. 

Though the old one, not Rupert, had driven— 
But e'en Rupert's self, sure, a quarter, 

Or, perhaps, half an hour might have given ! 

Ten minutes — to say what the bid 

At St. Stephen's Dutch auction should be : 
Whether Benjamin's mess should be hid, 

And a way found therefrom to get free ; 
To decide between braving the rough rage 

Of Potter, Beales, Bradlaugu, & Co., 
And risking whole-hog household suffrage — 

Though as Jonah our Jonathan go. 

Ten minutes — to fix on the fiat 

That may mould generations unborn : 
Whether new men and measures to shy at, 

Or stick to old ruts, safely worn : 
Ten minutes— to make up the mina, 

Yes— or no— to a leap in the dark. 
With the pluck of blind leaders of blind, 

And the lightness of lads on a lark ! 



Ten minutes— to forfeit our pledges, 

Our principles overboard pitch, 
Count odds, balance books, settle hedges, 

And put a good face on the hitch. 
Ten minutes — to eat our own words, 

And bid up to Beales, over Bright ; 
To harden our hearts for Lowe's girds, 

The General's scorn, Cranborne's spite ! 

Ten minutes — to choose 'twixt all this, 

And quietly backing the coach, 
And, though Bright's alliance we miss, 

Escaping the Carlton's reproach, 
Tearing Dizzy's wild projects to bits, 

Last year's bills taking down from their shelves ; 
Spreading stucco o'er Cabinet splits, 

And keeping our rows to ourselves ! 

Ten minutes ! — No wonder the plunge 

Seemed too much like a jump in mid-air, 
That e'en Rupert threw up the sponge, 

And his Jonahs determined to spare. 
Ten minutes ! With Rupert for guide, 

And on either side motives so strong — 
No wonder, howe'er you decide, 

Your decision should prove to be wrong ! 



A Carriage of the Queen's. 



It is a gross insult to the community at large to call a prison-van 
the " Queen's omnibus." That conveyance, happily, is not one suit- 
able for all of Her Majesty's subjects, but only tor some. Therefore, 
let it henceforth be named the " Queen's quibusdam." 



March 23, 1SG7.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



123 




ORTHODOX. 

Hunting Friend. " But I thought you made a Difference in Lent 1 " 
Conscientious, but Sporting Parson. "So I do— always Hunt in Black!" 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE SECOND. 

Here I am again. Most of the hints which I shall give you will be 
from personal experience— extracts, in fact, from Peeps 's Diary. Gene- 
rally speaking, you must prepare yourself for disappointment. I mean 
the Emperor cannot ask every visitor this year to the Tweellyrees. 
French pronounced as spelt in my Guide for the convenience of travellers. 

The Iweellyrees is the Palace. It was built by King Tweellyree 
♦ he First. This 1 have never heard before, nor is it what you will 
find in any ordinary history. If you could, what 's the good of this ? 
Logic. 

Your "effays" and "Baggarge," by which words the ignorant 
foreigners mean trunks, portmanteaus, and so forth, will be examined 
by the Doo-any-of-yer, or a name not unlike this. It would be, this 
year at all events, a custom more honoured in the breach than the 
observance. Hamlet says this, though he never was inconvenienced 
in this manner. 

A slight smattering of French will carry you anywhere. Mind, you 
have just as much right to complain of a Frenchman's ignorance of 
English, as he of your ignorance of French. To whom shall you com- 
plain? I answer, " Mcneesirr d'arnstrooeshiong poobleek," i.e. (If you 
want to know to whom you are talking) to the Minister of Public 
Instruction. He will summon everyone whom you will point out as 
unable to speak English, and after a severe reprimand, will give them 
an hour a-day, reading, writing, and arithmetic, at the complainant's 
expanse. 

This is how they manage these things in France. Take my advice, 
and practise talking French for at least three weeks before quitting 
your native country. By "native country" need I explain that I 
allude to England ? Renounce all English words for butter, bread, 
knives, and forks. Dine at French Nestowrongs in London; learn the 
names of dishes, and refuse to understand or speak one single word of 
English. Let your formula be, " Never say yes," but like the little 
pig, which has for centuries amused the infantile mind in the nursery 
narrative, " stop at home and say wee, wee, wee." 



As to Dress. Never, when in a Kaffy, ridicule or caricature a French- 
man's hat, but always take off your own. Kaffy is the name for a shop, 
a maggyzang, where they sell kaffy, known in England as coffee. 
Lekeirs (liquors, such as Odyvee, Marryskeno, and so forth) day Glars, 
i.e., ices, and other delicacies. 

N.B. Among other delicious things ask for Granny dorarngsh ; in 
English some relation to oranges : translate it with a spoon. 

To continue the subject of Dress. Observe this as a rule, treat 
dressing, in all cases,* as a scientific game of whist. 

Thus lead the fashion, and the others, if they can, must follow suit. 

But more important than anything this year is to settle at once 
where you'll live. Whether you'll settle in a Ru, a Bullvard, a Plarce, 
a Hotel, the Ongvcrong dep Parry (as Malmazon^), or segond in the 
Sharmseleesay. O segond means on the second floor, for evermore, 
like Nancy — a place in France, by the way, with a bishop to it. 

Think over this, as far as it goes, and we '11 go further next time. 

* " Small dressing cases." Fine opportunities throughout those Peeps for adver- 
tisers : chance lost here. 



CHRISTMAS COMB AGAIN. 

Christmas comes but once a-year, thoughtless people say. 
Something very like it came again the other day. 
Therefore I, to brighten returning winter's gloom, 
Stuck the usual evergreens up about the room ; 
Tried beneath the mistletoe to kiss the little dears ; 
Christmas-boxes got of them— they did box my ears. 
Dined on turkey, roast-beef, plum-pudding, and mincc-pie : 
Piled huge logs upon the Qre ; sat and drank thereby, 
Bishop— stuff 'gainst frost and snow to fortify the frame- 
Till my nose, they tell me, got ruddy as the flame ; 
Sang old songs, told stories, and, having had enough, 
Played snap-dragon, afterwards tried at blindman's-buff. 
Fell on sleep, awoke upstairs— may be I was led : 
Don't remember having been carried off to bed. 



124 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 23, 1867. 




A FRATERNAL OFFER. 

Fraternity of Genealogists. 

IE, — I beg to in- 
form you that the 
Ancient Pedigree 
of your family has 
been recently dis- 
covered in our re- 
searches (sic), aud 
should you desire 
copy, and will please 
remit the Pee, it 
(sic) will be for- 
warded within a 
month of receipt. 

I have to request 
an early reply. 

I have the honour 
to be, &c, 

(Signature), 
Secretary. 

Mr. Punch, who 
always felt that he 
must be descended 
from somebody, but 
was never quite sure 
about his ancestors, 
received the other 
morning, with emo- 
tions which' he will not attempt to describe, the above letter. 

Hooray ! was of course Mr. Punch's first remark. His second was 
more practical. How much is the fee ? So he turned the page, and 
found three sides of _ information, with some highly fascinating old 
English print, in red ink, inserted amid the ordinary typography. 

Prom this he learned that a Society of Practical Genealogists, resident 
in most of the principal towns of England, Scotland, and Wales, has 
been formed for the purpose of tracing the pedigrees of families of 
ancient date. 

Various reasons are given why people may reasonably indulge hope 
of discovering the names of their ancestors, but the most tempting bait 
of all is this : 

"Estates, Money in Chancery, Unclaimed dividends, &c, have been 
and are frequently recovered by the proof of kinship shown in a 
pedigree." 

" Ha ! " said Mr. Punch. " I have reason to think that Chatsworth, 
and Woburn Abbey, and indeed Eaton Hall, if right were done — but 
no matter, no matter, let us read on." 

"Most people, from memoranda, letters, registers, &c, can trace 
back to the 17th century, and so join the modern and ancient pedigree." 

" Can they, though ? " said Mr. Punch. 

"If, however, in any instance, this cannot be done, they [most 
people] can be assisted by the Fraternity." 

"Hm!" said Mr. Punch. 

" Pedigrees, when completed, can be illuminated " — 

" I am slightly illuminated," murmured Mr. Punch. 

"After the chaste and classic style of the Thirteenth and Fourteenth 
centuries, by one of the first illuminators in the kingdom. Presses and 
dies by one of the first engravers at usual prices" 

"Isn't that rather a — a— detail, after the invitation to listen to 
Lordly Heraldry ? " said Mr. Punch ; " but again, no matter." 

" No attendance on Saturdays ? " 

" Eh ! Do the Praternity go to Synagogue ? " said Mr. Punch. 

Then comes a little button-holding sort of talk, in more familiar 
style, and slightly recalling the tone of certain medical practitioners of 
the less admired sort. 

" With many people a veil appears to be placed between them and 
t.he termination of the ancient pedigree. But such ideas would soon 
be displaced by an acquaintance with any works known to the Genealo- 
gist, such as Abbey Rolls — also copies of Ancient Rolls — Ancient 
Registers enrolled. The Liber Niger, Testa de Nevil, Scutage Rolls, 
Carta Antique, the Tower Rolls, and many similar toorlcs, to the 
Genealogist all this is simple, and of which (sic) he has the complete 
mastery. He would rather have to search for a date of marriage, 
birth or death 500 years since than one of 50 years. 

" It is possible," said Mr. Punch. 

" Surely the pleasure of seeing our ancestors before us" — 

" Quite right," said Mr. Punch. " Ancestors always come 
before us." 

" Their quaint names," — 

" Pretty conceit," said Mr. Punch. 

" The families they married into— their then residences, and various 
other facts connected with them," — 



" Which were always noted in wills and registers, and especially in 
Carta Antique and similar works, I know," said Mr. Punch. 

" The continuous sight of such would afford more pleasure than any 
painting, however costly," — 

" Certainly," said Mr. Punch. " What is a Poussin, or a Potter, or 
a Phillip, to a Pedigree, especially one which you know to be accurate, 
because it is certified by the Praternity ? " 

" And would delight the rising Generation of not only the present 
day but also of those for Ages to come." 

" Little dears," said Mr. Punch, " but what does he charge ? " 

" For the ancient pedigree the fee is Two Guineas, pre-paid, either 
by crossed cheque or P. O. 0. in favour of" 

" I see," said Mr. Punch, "the Secretary aforesaid. Eh, what docs 
he add?" 

" Agent to the — — Assurance (Limited)." 

" Ha ! " said Mr, Punch. " His Assurance does not seem to me so 
limited as to induce me to send the money. I can make a pedigree 
for myself." 

So Mr. Punch did not patronise the Fraternity. You can, if you 
are wise. 



THE HORRORS OP TRAVEL. 

Dear Mr. Punch, 

What horrible things you men contrive to write about us 
women ! One can hardly take a book up without finding something 
dreadful. Talk of our sensation novelists, indeed ! Why, the wickedest 
of stories is nothing to the tales which are narrated by your travellers. 
I have not had the courage yet to see what Mr. Hepworth Dixon 
says about the Mormons, for, though the subject is most interesting, 
my nerves are far too weak for it. But the horrors he reveals can 
hardly be more horrible than what Sir Samuel Baker tells us of 
Latooka. This, you know, is a wild country which he and Lady 
Baker journeyed through in Africa ; and this is a mild specimen of 
how he makes one's flesh creep : — 

" Women in Latooka are so far appreciated as that they are valuable animals. . . . 
The price of a good-looking, strong young wife, who could carry a heavy jar or water, 
would be ten cows. . . . However delightful may be a family of daughters in 
England, they nevertheless are costly treasures ; but in Latooka, and throughout 
savage lands, they are exceedingly profitable." 

" Animals," indeed ! I have no patience with the man. And yet, I 
hear, his book has been most favourably reviewed. It deserves to be sup- 
pressed for introducing such bad language. What can a man be made 
of, who can bring himself to speak about a woman as an animal ! And 
that is not the worst of the bad names that he calls us. Only look at 
this : — 

" A savage holds to his cows and to his women : but especially to his cows." 

How dreadful, to be sure ! And what can be the good of telling one 
such things ? You may say that they are true, but to my mind really 
that makes it all the worse. We can bear a spice of horror when we 
find it in a novel — indeed, we rather like it. But then we know, of 
course, that it, is mere invention, and so we are not shocked. There is 
a painful kind of pleasure in reading how a husband leaves his wife 
aud seven children destitute in London, in order that he may visit the 
death-bed of his first love, in a bungalow near Delhi, who of course 
revives directly she sees her Charles approach. Nor can I deny that, 
weak as my nerves are, I have not lost my relish for the horrors of a 
novel, which details how five fond husbands are poisoned in succession 
by their beautiful young wife. Still, the things one reads in travels 
are to me far more appalling, for one knows them to be true. And 
surely the slow poisoning of half-a-dozen husbands, when described 
with every hideous detail in a novel, is by no means so distressing — to 
the female mind, at any rate — as the speaking of a woman as a 
"valuable animal," or the statement that a savage in the wilds of 
Central Africa attaches less importance to his women than his cows. 

Trusting, Sir, that as a gentleman you will use your wholesome influ- 
ence upon persons like Sir Samuel, and prevent their harrowing our 
minds by the horrors of their travelling, I remain, Sir, 

Yours respectfully, 

Crabtree Cottage, Tuesday. Selina Singleton. 



Errors in Prosody. 

The small tradesmen of Southwark, and many other places, have 
some excuse to offer for using short weights and measures. They have 
not received a classical education, and therefore they can't help making 
false quantities. 

TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

" Ever yours, Tottenham Court Road."— Please send the number of 
your address. 



March 30, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



125 




MIDWINTER IN MARCH. 

What bitter, wintry weather ! 
Confound it altogether ! 

The tiles are dight 

With snow more white 
Than any goose's feather. 

About the streets 'tis lying, 
And round your ears are flying 

Conglomerate cakes 

Of kneaded flakes ; 
The boys are snowballs shying : 

Protect your panes with shutters '. 
Youth slides along the gutters. 

Cock-Robin comes 

To seek for crumbs, 
And on your threshold flutters. 

The birds have all stopped singinp;, 
The crops have left oil" springing, 

There ne'er was seen 

A March so keen — 
So biting, piercing, stinging. 

The primroses awaken 

To perish, sun-forsaken ; 
The violets blue, 
Though that 's their hue, 

For snow-drops may be taken. 

Put on the kettle, Polly. 
Away with melancholy ! 

We '11 burn the log, 

And brew the grog, 
Determined to be jolly. 



BAD EXCUSE BETTER THAN NONE. 

Have you Read that Article in the Lancet about Chignons, 



Uncle, 
Joe ? " 

Nephew (Invalid Captain from India). 
— Fwightful Idea ! (Happy Thought.) 

POSITIVELY WITH LADIES ! " 



' Haw ! Extwacts — Yes, Gwegowines ! 
Why, it ain't safe to go to Church 



Claimants for a Fancy Franchise. 

The Bakers, introduced by the author of Yeast, have 
been in a batch to the Chancellor of the Exchequer : 
they contend that as making so much fancy bread, they 
ought to be on the Electoral Roll. The Poets have urged 
their claims in a memorial (in verse). The P. R. met and 
framed a resolution, carried amidst rounds of applause, 
which made the room ring again, requesting the great 
Mill to be the Champion of " The Fancy." Several old 
women, who have sovereigns in Savings' Stockings, hope 
Mr. Disraeli will not forget them. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

Great Cry in the Commons on the night of Monday, March 18, but 
less Wool than could have been desired. Once more the House was 
crammed, the Heir Apparent was present, and a concourse of Nobles 
assembled to listen to the grand debate. But almost everything was 
flat. The good old rule that you should never show an incomplete 
piece of work to Women or to Fools might be extended, with advan- 
tage. Never show it to anybody. Between announcements of 
Recurrence to original policy, Sir John Pakington's confidences at 
Droitwich, and Lord Derby's in St. James's Square, the Opposition, 
as Mr. Gladstone said, had learned so much about the Reform Bill 
that they had nearly made up their minds upon it, and the various final 
touches of the artistic Disraeli were either ineffective or unwelcome 
He had better have imitated the Veiled Prophet, and let his Reform 
Moon suddenly bounce up out of the well, symmetrical and brilliant. 
But we got his moon in cantles, and the firework did not appal. 

These were Mr. Disraeli's points, and to save bother, we inter- 
pose Mr. Gladstone's retorts, or their import. 

1. The Commons decided, last year, to make payment of Rates the 
basis of the Borough Franchise. 

[They did nothing of the sort. The division on Rating o. Rental, 
which ejected the Government, was carried by those who 
wanted to restrict the franchise. 1 

2. Any male occupant of a House in a borough, who personally 
pays his Rates, shall vote. 

[The idea of Rate-paying being the basis of the British Constitu- 
tion !] 

3. We shall therefore enfranchise 237,000 persons. 

[Not you. Nothing like it. Three-fourths of your men are men 
in buckram. 

vol. lii. i 



4. We shall not give votes to Compound householders, nor to those 
whose rates are paid for them. 

[Then you ought. Why, don't they Pay Rates through their 
landlords ? Where's your boasted Basis P] 

5. Two years' residence necessary to obtain a vote. 

[But where is the clause enfranchising Lodgers ? This you refuse, 
and this we must and will have.] 

6. Every facility to be given to Compound householders to enable 
them to register. 

[Very humane ! and as for the Small Tenement people, their votes 
are to be in the gift of Bumbledom. 

7. A vote to every person who pays £1 a-year assessed taxation. 
Not in the way of Licence, so your Ratcatcher is nowhere, M_k. 
Bright. 

[Every man with a purse will make as many votes as he likes. A 
little hair-powder, dabbed on anybody's head, taxes him 23*., 
and a man with a three-legged jade of a horse, value £3, may 
qualify three hundred and sixty-live people by handing it 
about.] 

8. If a householder also, he shall have Two Votes. 

[The Dual Vote ! This is the Proclamation of a war between 
classes. The author of this is the man who strikes at the 
British Constitution. Our Constitution rests on our sense of 
equality in the eye of the law. Place arms like these in the 
hand of the Rich Man, to fortify his position against the Poor 
Man, and that day you seal the doom of the Constitution. 
You shall have my Implacable Hostility.] 

9. A householder shall have a second vote who has £50 in the funds, 
or the savings' bank. 

[This has grown up from £30 to £50 since we last heard of it. 
But it£is all stuff, very few artisans have either.] 



12G 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 30, 1867. 



10 Then there should be an educational franchise, especially for 
Ministers of Religion. 
[Not worth notice ] 

11. No two votes in counties, and the county occupation franchise to 
be £15 Rating, and the other new franchises to apply. 

[Then, where is your precious Principle? Why, you will give 
almost universal suffrage to Unskilled Labour.] 

12. We desire to give to all who are worthy of the privilege a fair 
share in the Government of the country, but we maintain the prin- 
ciples on which the Constitution is based, and we give Represen- 
tation to the Nation. 

[Your Bill ignores all selection of the working class,' it excludes a 
vast number of the most instructed and skilled of that class, 
and when it admits any of them, it admits with them the 
poorest, the least instructed, the least skilled, and the most 
dependent members of the community.] 

There ! After that feu d'enfer from the Gladstone Battery, we 
suppose nobody will have much doubt as to the ultimate fate of the 
Ministerial Sebastopol. Mr. Gladstone discarded his reticence, with 
a vengeance, and poured in thunder on the foe. There is no mistake, 
now, as to the attitude of parties. The Leader of the Opposition 
reserved his right to say what course his party would adopt, but its 
intentions were made clear enough. 

In the debate, Sir William Beathcote (Conservative Member for 
Oxford) was the first to express dislike of the Bill. 

Sir George Bowyer (Catholic and Liberal) attacked Mr. Glad- 
stone for his censures, declared the out-of-door demonstrations to be 
hollow, and mentioned that he himself had heard Potter haranguing 
a scanty group from between the Lions, and that the repeated 
remark of his audience was "What, a dam fool he is." 

Mr. Thomas Baring (Conservative) also rebuked Mr. Gladstone, 
but — with the practical instinct of a commercial man — demanded to 
know what reductions Mr. Disraeli would make for the sake of 
doing business ? 

Mr. Lowe was stern against, the dual vote, which was either a mere 
tub to the Conservative whale, or an attempt to set up a bastard 
plebeian oligarchy. He condemned the Bill as unsafe, and had no 
wish to see the country in the hands of an unbridled Democracy. 

Mr. Henley (Conservative) was for giving the Bill patient justice, 
but he denounced I he dual vote. 

Mr. Roebuck castigated Mr. Gladstone for an onslaught the 
object of which was to hurt All and Sundry. Let us take the Bill into 
Committee and do our best with it. As for final resting-places, there 
were no such things in human affairs, and sufficient for the day was the 
evil thereof. 

Mr. Beresford Hope (Conservative) abused the Bill, hoped for 
Mr. Gladstone's return to office, and advised Mr. Disraeli to add 
another fancy franchise, and give a vote to the ticket-of-leave man. 

Mr. Butler-Johnstone (Conservative) wished Mr. Roebuck to 
prepare a Reform Bill. 

Mr. Charles Buxton wished to consider Cumulative voting. 

Mr. Sandford (Conservative) described the Bill of his friend and 
leader as illusory and insulting. 

Mr. Bernal Osborne was grave, and suggested that the discussion 
should rise above party spirit. 

Lord Cranborne (Conservative) would prefer a Reform Bill from 
Mb. Bright to such a Bill as this from men who were committing 
political suicide. 

Mr. Disraeli replied with great spirit, as usual when he can be 
antagonisiic. He hit out, straight. He denied that he had imposed 
checks— they were constitutional conditions. He stood up for the 
character of Englishmen, who were proud of paying rates He would 
never introduce Household Suffrage, pure and simple. The Govern- 
ment had never been inconsistent. The House ought not to be excited 
by rhetoric into giving judgment without complete consideration of 
the measure. 

The Reform Bill was read, and was appointed for Second Reading 
on the following Monday. 

The Distribution Scheme, which Mr. Disraeli announced on the 
25th of February, is to be adhered to. He revealed the name of the 
place in the Black Country to which representation is to be given. It 
is Wednesbury (pronounced Wedgbury,) and, olim, celebrated for a 
very remarkable cock-fi^ht, in the course of which much excitement, 
among the sportsmen prevailed, unfriendly comments on gentlemen's 
costume were hazarded, conjugal tenderness was dominated by the 
interest of the moment, and filial affection was subordinated to the 
duty of impartial combat. 

Tuesday. The Lords took pity on the Sand wich-Men, and instead of 
abolishing them utterly, consigned them to police discretion. Lord 
Cairns demolished a Bill of Loud Redesdale's, for preventing the 
creditors of railways from exercising their legal rights to the detriment 
of the public. We sincerely hope that every Lord who opposed the 
BUI will some day find himself shunted into a siding by the sheriff's 



officers, and prevented from coming up to some new opera or desirable 
dinner-party. 

Mr. Churchward, of Dover, has been made a Magistrate by the 
Conservative Chancellor Chelmsford. The only objection to tins 
creation is the small fact that Mr. Churchward has been twice re- 
ported by House of Commons Committees as guilty of bribery. Lord 
Chelmsford says that he knew nothing about that, which is odd. 
Mr. Peter Taylor made a solemn speech on the subject, and Mn. 
Disraeli made a very comic one, recommending a general inquiry into 
such cases. Mr. Cavendish Bentinck moved an address in accordance 
with Mr. Disraeli's facetious suggestion, and defeated the solemn 
and awful Peter of Leicester, and then Mr. Gladstone, rebuking 
Mr. Disraeli's levity, insisted on the amendment being adhered to. 
So each party claimed the victory, and we shall have some pleasing 
scandals. 

Wednesday. Church-rates. Their abolition was decreed by 263 to 187, 
but Mr. Gladstone promises modifications of this decree. Mr. 
Leatham (Wakefield), who was expelled the House and fined for 
bribery, explained that he was " convicted at, York " because a private 
letter on a delicate subject, had been torn in half by his brother-in-law, 
and the conclusion had been lost. The letter asked his relative to send 
him money secretly for "legitimate purposes," as well as "for pay- 
ments to watchers and runners of a somewhat doubtful character," and 
the cautious recipient tore off these last words. Altogether, really, — 
but what does it matter ? Mr. Leatham is in again, and is an 
" advanced Whig," who will in future be more careful about advances. 

Thursday. The Commons sat late, but nothing very sensational 
occurred, except that Sir John Pakington, attacked for promoting a 
young sea-officer over the heads of a whole fleet of other officers, 
because he was the son of Lop.d Hardwicke, defended himself on the 
ground that other Pirst Lords had done similar things. 

But the political incident of the day was a great meeting of the 
Opposition at Mr. Gladstone's. It was decided to let the Reform 
Bill be read a Second Time, and then to oppose its going into Committee 
unless Government would transmogrify it entirely. 

Friday. The Scotch, who usually manage their Parliament business 
for themselves, are actually in a sort of revolt, and demaud a whole 

I Under-Secretary for Scotland. Moreover, the demand seems 

I reasonable. 

Mr. Punch learns with pleasure that such of the Irish police, as 

I distinguished themselves against the Penians are to be decorated and 
rewarded. 

We had some fun, by way of ending an important week. Palmer- 
ston had his Close, and Derby has his Young, only the doggerel of 
the latter is not merely vulgar and foolish, but offensive. However, 
he is pensioned. Mr. Whalley (probably thinking that Young was 
author of the Night Thoughts) defended the grant, and said that 
Young's sentiments were truly Protestant. Mr. Disraeli said what 
he could, which was that Lord Derby had been hoaxed, and that it 
would be a warning to himself never to sign or believe in a Memorial. 



LENTEN DISPENSATIONS POR THE RITUALISTS. 

Very Arch-bishop Punch has received several complaints from 
the Ritualists. They want to fast and abstain. But while the Romanists 
are enjoying their Lent, and are told precisely what to eat, drink, and 
avoid, they, the Ritualists, are left in a state of doubt, and no ecclesias- 
tical authority will speak. There His Very Arch-Bishopship Dr. 
Punch takes it into his own hands, and informs the Ritualists that — 

He dispenses them from the necessity of eating any flesh meat on 

any day in the week. 
He dispenses them from the necessity of drinking anything at all. 
He permits the use of one shrimp on Wednesday at one o'clock, to 

be picked sparingly, and half a winkle on Priday; but the pin 

must not be swallowed. 

Pinally, by their adopting this regimen during the present season he 
trusts that at the end of Lent he will be able to dispense with them 
altogether. j n UO p es f never hearing of them again, 

He signs himself, 

V. A. B. Puxomus. 



A Misprint that Might have Been. 

" Yesterday, bein? St. Patrick's Day, Da. Butcher, Bishop of Meath, preached 
at the Chapel Royal." 

What a splendid opportunity for a mischievous compositor ! We 
might have had the pain of reading, " Dr. Butcher, Bishop of Meat." 



Pruits of Elections. — These fruits are generally preceded by the 
appearance of some early Bri-beries. 



March 30, 1867] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



127 




VOTES FOR LODGERS. 

ll Lodgers vote that the private 
rights to tea, sugar. and groceries in 
general be respected by the land- 
lady. 

Ground Floor votes that he asks 
Second Floor not to come in so late 
at night, and avoid difficulties with 
the door-chain, the scuttle, and 
Ground Floor's boots. 

Second Floor votes that he and 
the neighbouring Ground and 
Second Floors request his _ own 
Ground Floor not to persist in at- 
tempting "In My Collage" with 
one finger on the piano. 

Third Floor votes that his land- 
lady's servant brush clothes a little 
better, and be instructed in the art 
of removing mud from trousers. 

Bachelor Lodgers vote that their 
" things " be sewn and attended to 
on going to and. being returned 
from the wash. 

Married Lodgers vote that no i 
appeals be made by the landlady j 
from the female to the male govern- 
ment. 

The Ground Floor {in business 
during the day) votes that the land- 
lady's children be not permitted to j 
play in his room. 
All Floors vote for the banishment, 
of organ-grinders, juvenile German bands, one-legged mariners, and 
howlers. 

Ground Floor and Second Floor (united) vote that the maid-of-all-work 
will not use their combs and brushes. 

Everyone votes that some one gives him ten thousand a-year, on no 
conditions whatever. 

Eoeryone Else votes that anyone will treat him to Paris for one month 
in the present year before August, paying all expenses. 
Several Husbands vote they go to Paris, as lodgers, this yezrengarcon. 
Wives (belonging to above-mentioned class of Voters) vote they do 
nothing of the sort. 

PEDIGREE PROMOTION. 

Shiver my timbers, Mr. Punch, and I 'm blessed if a rope's end 
isn't wanted at the Admiralty ! Only see here how the Swabs play 
Old Harry with the service : — 

" A lieutenant whose commission dates from May 22, ISfll, has been promoted 
over Ihc heads of three hundrol and seventy of his seniors. . . . This promotion is 
solely due to the fact that he is the son of a great Conservative nobleman, and a 
former colleague of the present ministers." 

And see how Sir J. Hay palavers to the House about another ugly 
case of pedigree promotion : — 

" He had not served his time as flag-lieutenant, and therefore he was promoted 
contrary to regulations, but he was promoted onaccountof the merits of the distin- 
guished nobleman whoso »ou he was." 

A pretty reason that ! So regulations go for nothing when a nob is 
in the Navy? If the merits of the father are to promote the son, a 
pretty set of officers there'll soon be in the service! Why don't 
' My Lords " throw overboard all rules and regulations, and give a 
middy of good birth the lull rank of an admiral? And why send a boy 
to sea, if he be born of noble family ? A lad who has a pedigree might 
as well be privileged to draw his pay ashore, without seeing any service 
for it. Blest if 1 don't think they 'd save a deal of heart-burning, if 
" My Lords " were to launch a fleet of toy ships on the Serpentine, 
and put them in commission for the sons of noble swells to go and 
play at being admirals and captains, and so relieve the service of their 
oppressive presence. Lieutenants who can't hope to get promoted by 
their pedigree feel naturally hurt at seeing youngsters shoved above 
them, and doubtless would rejoice if all the young nobs in the Navy 
were drawn away to go on active service in the Serpentine. 

I remaiu, Mr. Punch, yours, grumbling, 

An Old Salt. 



THE CHEAPEST THING IN THE ARMY. 

Sergeant Kite presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs 
to say that the cheapest thing in the Army is the British Soldier. Ik- 
has the honour to remind Mr. Punch of the circumstance, that General | 
Peel, in moving the Army Estimates the other day, said they were 
" framed with a view to efficiency and economy." Seugkant Kite is 
aware that they always have been. Has no doubt that efficiency and 
economy have never cpased to be held in view by trainers of Aim , 
Estimates— at a great distance. Does not think that distance has lent, 
any enchantment to the view. Thinks, on the contrary, it has rendered 
the view dreary. And, in fact, that inefficiency has been combined with 
profusion. 

Sergeant Kite observes that the total estimate for the present year, 
as stated by the General, was £14,752,200; exceeding that of last year 
by £412,200. Can, however, understand that it may possibly have 
been framed with a view to both economy and efficiency. Believes 
that if the latter object be now at last achieved, the former will also 
have been effected for the first time from time immemorial. Knows 
well enough that necessary expense is not extravagance, if you get 
your money's worth for your money. Takes the liberty of pointing 
out, particularly, that in framing the estimates with a view to allowing 
the soldier twopence more a day, General Peel may, nevertheless, 
have really framed them with a view to economy. Saw the following 
statement respecting the present pay of the British soldier, in the 
Post:— 

" The evidence given before the Recruiting Commission shows that the soldier, 
whose gross pay amounts to one shilling and a penny per day (viz., one shilling pay 
and one penny beer money), after deducting the stoppages for his rations, washing, 
and ' necessaries," ' on the average through the year, does not clear three halfpence 
a-day.' " 

Sergeant Kite understands economy to be not mere saving, but 
due allotment of expenditure. May be allowed to express the idea 
that when the Army costs altogether upwards of fourteen millions, 
whilst the soldier gets only three-halfpence a day, the share of the 
military expenditure allotted to the soldier is comparatively small. 
Considers it to be as the fkure of the bread is to that of the sack in the 
tavern score pulled out of Sir John Fulstaff's pocket in a play which he 
had the pleasure of seeing at Drury Lane. Will acknowledge that the 
proposal now made to allow the soldier threepence-halfpenny a day 
clear, looks a little more like true economy. At the same time, makes 
bold to ask, how many of the enjoyments of life can be had out of even 
the magnificent sum of threepence-halfpenny ? 

With a view to obtaining recruits for the Army, Sergeant Kite 
invites the War Office to consider whether, if the soldier is allowed 
threepence halfpenny a day, it will not be as well honestly to announce 
that his pay is in reality limited to that amount of coppers? Takes 
leave to say that at present what is called the gross pay of the soldier 
is gross only in the sense wherein that word is applied to a deception. 
Will grant that might not perhaps be thought to signify much if the 
worst of it ended wi'h the disgust of the bamboozled recruit. But 
requests attention to the fact that it prevents re-enlistment. Suggests 
that disappointment at least would be prevented if recruiting sergeants 
were instructed to explain to fine-spirited young men desirous of 
entering the service of the Queen, and fighting their country's battles, 
that their daily remuneration for that work, in hard money, will not 
exceed the sum of threepence-halfpenny. If the offer of that reward 
should not suffice, would recommend it to be raised, as by auction, to 
the amount needful for tempting them to engage in a business that 
consists in adventuring to be killed or maimed whilst leading a life 
which, except in dignity, is little better than penal servitude. 

Sergeant Kite also suggests the expediency of increasing the 
soldier's ration of meat. Is convinced that many a good soldier aban- 
dons the Army as soon as he can, because he entered it expecting to 
become a full private, but found that he was never anything more than 
an empty one. 

A Happy Name. 

" The Church. Keics announces that the Very Rev. ArchpHest PoPOPT has gone to 
Rossis with a view to bring about the founding of a Uniate Church in England." — 
Pall Mali Gazette. 

And if PoroFE does not pop back again, no great harm will be done. 



A CAUTION TO YOUNG MEN. 



Loyal and Gratifying. 

On hearing that several flying columns were ordered for service in 
Ireland, the Nelson's statue and the Duke of York's iustautly sent in 

to know if their eolumns could be of any use. Both requested an , should be careful of saving anything which she might consider 
answer through the medium of Mr. Punch's flying columns. and plain." 



EVERYTHING BY TURN. 

Sir John Pakington may be called the Amphibious Minister, for 
he is (or is supposed to be) equally in his element on land and water. 
He should assume as his motto terra marique. 



To a lady embonpoint in figure, and not good looking in face, you 

'' plump 



12S 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 30, 18G7. 




LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. 

Middle-Aged Uncle. "Not Proposed to her yet! "Wry, what a shilly-shallying Fellow yoit are, George! You 'll 
have that little wldow snapped up from under your nose, as sure as you 're born ! pretty gal like that— nice little 
Property— evidently likes you — with an Estate in the Highlands, too, and you a Sporting Man " 

Nephev). "Ah! that's where it is, Uncle! Her Fishing's good, I know; but I'm not so Sure about her Grouse/" 



WOMANHOOD SUFFRAGE. 



Scene — The Progressive Institute. A Conversazione. 

Professor Podgers. Dr. Harriet Brown. 

Professor Podgers. Let me offer you a cigar. 

Dr. Harriet Brown. Thank you, no ; I prefer a short pipe. {Produces 
\ one, and lights it. They smoke.) 

Prof. What weather we have had ! 
Br. H. And what debates ! 

IProf. When shall we have an atmospheric reform ? 
Dr. H. Before we get Reform in Parliament. 

Prof. When will that be ? 

Dr. H. Not yet awhile. We shall get no Reform worthy of the 
| name this Session. 

Prof. Why? 

Dr. H. The House will reject Mr. Mill's Amendment. 

Prof. And you will remain unenfranchised. 

Dr. H. As long as we do there will be no real representation of the 
people, and to call the Reform Bill the Representation of the People 
Bill will be absurd. The people consists of women as well as men. 
Women are half of the people. If they are unrepresented, the people 
can be but half represented. 

Prof. Well, that, no doubt, is a bit of Mill's logic. But say that 
women are the better half of the people. They are already represented 
by their husbands' votes. 

Dr. H. Are they ? Do yon think, if they were, that property in- 
herited by wives would belong to their husbands ? 

Prof. But are the majority of women fit to possess the suffrage ? 

Dr. H. As fit as the majority of men. Reformers say that the Con- 
stitution wants repairing, and must be repaired by working-men. A 
good needlewoman is as able to mend the British Constitution as a 
journeyman carpenter. 

Prof. Do you claim Womanhood Suffrage ? 



Dr. H. Yes, if men are to have Mauhood Suffrage. Isn't taxation 
without representation tyranny ? We are taxed as well as men. We 
are subject to laws made without our consent. Show me any real 
reason why we should not vote. 

Prof I think I can mention one. 

Dr. H. What is it ? 

Prof. You ought not to exercise political rights because you are 
exempt from civic duties. 

Dr. H. How so ? 

Prof. You are not eligible to serve on juries. 

Dr. H. I am willing to be. 

Prof. Nor are you liable to be drawn for the Militia. 

Dr. H. I am ready. 

Prof. You cannot be Churchwardens, Overseers or Magistrates. 

Dr. H. I don't see why. 

Prof. You cannot be Aldermen. 

Dr. H. But we might be Alderwomen. 

Prof. Some of you; and Mayoresses too. But not all. Not the 
generality. There are perhaps women fit to be Prime Ministers or 
Chancellors of the Exchequer. But are they not a small minority ? 

Dr. H. There is certainly something in your objection to female 
suffrage. 

Prof. Besides, if women are to vote, why should they be excluded 
from Parliament ? Who but women could represent women ? 

Dr. H. Well, I '11 tell you what, then. Let there be a female Par- 
liament. Constitute a Third House, and call it a House of Ladies. 
Make its assent necessary to all statutes affecting the interests of 
women. 

Prof. That, to be sure, would be a way out of the difficulty. Per- 
haps it will suggest itself to the Member for Westminster. Why is 
Mr. Mill like a Tongue ? 

Dr. H. Give it up. 

Prof. Because he is the Ladies' Member. 
(Scene closes.) 



t- 1 



o 



3 



£o 



o 

£d 




March 30, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



131 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

0, lliis is the horse from 
Brett's stables in the vil- 
lage, which they talked about 
last night. I shouldn't have 
got it, but Mr. Parsons, 
who always rides it with the 
harriers, got a nasty fall at 
Deepford Mill, and won't be 
able to go out again for a 
fortnight. The groom thinks 
I 'm in luck. Hope so. Miss 
Pellingle, on the door- 
step, says "What a pretty 
creature ! " and observes that 
she 's always heard chestnuts 
are so fiery. I return, 
"Indeed!" carelessly, as if 
*jq-"-» \g /y I possessed Mr. Rarey's 

g^^~ ~ - r -gg = ^- . \9 \\ secret. The whole-uncle 

(from a window) suggests 

that "perhaps you'd rather 

have a roast chestnut." 

People laugh. Groom laughs. 

At me. 

Happy Thought. — " How 

ill grey hairs become a fool and jester." Shakspeare, I think. 

What happy thoughts Shakspeare had. So applicable to a stupid 

old idiot. Keep this to myself. 

Mounting.—! don't know any work on equestrianism which ade- 
quately deals with the difficulty of equalising the length of stirrups. 
You don't find out that one leg is longer than the other, until you get 
on horseback for the first time after several years. The right is longer 
than the left. Having removed that inconvenience, the left is longer 
than the right. One hole up will do it. "One down?" asks the groom. 
I mean one down. 

Happy Thought— {just in time).— No; I mean up. 
Groom stands in front of me, as if I was a picture. Placing no 
further reliance on my own judgment, I ask him, "if it's all right 
now." He says "Yes," decidedly. From subsequent experience, I 
believe he makes the answer merely to save himself trouble. Byng, on 
horseback, curvetting, cries " Come along!" 

Happy Thought.— Sport in the olden time. Hawking. People gene- 
rally sat still, in one place, watching a hawk. Not much exercise, 
perhaps, but safe. Why don't they revive hawking ? 

Milbtjrd wants to know if I'm going to be all day. Fridoline's 
horse is restive ; the ether two are restive. I wish they weren't. Mine 
wants to be restive : if he goes on suddenly, I go off. 
Happy Thought. -The mane. 

Hike being comfortable before I start. Stop one minute. One hole 
higher up on the right. The whole-uncle, who is watching the start- 
told coward ! he daren't even come off the door-step, and has asked 
me once if I won't " take some jumping powder." He'd be sorry for 
his fun if I was borne home on a stretcher. I almost wish I was, just 
to give him a lesson.— I mean if I wasn't hurt.]— says, "Aren't those 
girths rather loose ? " The groom sees it for the first time. He begins 
tightening them. Horse doesn't like it. " Woo ! poor fellow ! good 
old man, I mean good old woman, then." Horse puts back its ears. 
I don't know what happens when a horse puts back its ears. 

Happy Thought— Ask Milbtjrd. 
a He answers "Kicks." Ah ! I know what happens if he kicks. 
All right now?" Quite. St ill wrong about the stirrups: one 
dangling, the other lifting my knee up ; but won't say anything more, 
or Fridoline may think me a nuisance. 

Two reins. Groom says "She goes easy on the snaffle. Pulls a little 
at first; but you needn't hold her." I shall, though. Trotting, I am 
told, is her "great pace." The reins are confused. One ought to be 
white, the other black, to distinguish them. Forget which fingers you 
put them in. Mustn't let the groom see this. 
Sappy Thought.— Take 'em up carelessly, anyhow. Watch Byng. 
We are walking. My horse very quiet. Footman runs after me. 
Idiot, to come up abruptly ; enough to frighten any horse. If you 're 
not on your guard, you come off so easily. " Here"'s a whip." " Oh, 
thank you." Right hand for whip, and left for reins, like Byng. Or, 
left hand for whip and right for reins, like Milbtjrd. Or, both in one 
hand, like Fridoline. Walking gently. As we go along Milbtjrd 
points out nice little fences, which " Your beast would hop over."— Yes, 
by herself. 

• Happy Thought.— Like riding. Fresh air exhilarating. Shall buy a 
horse. A./?.— Shall buy a horse which will walk as fast as other 
j £ S ' not ,og - Irri,atin g to Jog- U' 1 check him, he jerks his head, 
and hops. Fridoline calls him " showy." Wonder if, to a spectator, 
I m showy ! Passing by a village grocer's. 



Happy Thought.— See myself in the window. Not bad ; but hardly 
" showy." Antigropelos effective. 

Happy Thought. — If I stay long here, buy a saddle, and stirrups my 
own length. My weight, when he jogs, is too much on one stirrup. 

Fridoline asks, "Isn't this delightful?" I say, "Charming." 
Milburd talks of riding as a science. He says, " The great thing in 
. leaping is to keep your equilibrium." 

Happy Thought.— The pummel. 
| " Shall we trot on ? " If we don't push along, Byng says we shall 
never reach Pounder's Barrow, where the Harriers meet. As it is, 
I we shall probably be too late. 

Happy Thought. — Plenty of time. Needn't go too fast. Tire the 
horses. 

My left antigropelo has come undone. The spring is weak. I 

j can't get at it. My horse never will go the same pace as the others. 

I The groom said his great pace was trotting. He is trotting, and it U 

a great pace ; not so much for speed, as for height. He trots as if all 

I his joints were loose. I go up and down, and from side to side. 

Happy Thought. — Are people ever sea-sick from riding ? 

No scientific riding here ! Can't get my equilibrium. Ought to 

have had a string for my hat. Cram it on. I think, from the horse's 

habit of looking back sideways, that he's seen the loose antigropelo, 

i and it has frightened him. He breaks into a gallop. It feels as if he 

I was always stumping on one leg. He changes his leg, which unsettles 

I me. He changes his legs every minute. Thank Heaven, I didn't have 

j spurs ! Hope I shan't drop my whip. This antigropelo will bring 



me off, sooner or later, I know it will. 

End of the lane. The three in front. I wish they 'd stop. Mine 
would stop then. We trot again — suddenly. Painful. 

Happy Thought. — "Let's look at the view." 

Byng cries, " Hang the view !— here 's a beautiful bit of turf for a 
canter." We break (my horse and I) into a canter. He breaks into 
the canter sooner than I do, as I 've not quite finished my trot. I wish 
it was a military saddle, with bags before and behind. A soldier can't 
come off. If the antigropelo goes at the other spring, I shall lose it 
altogether. Horse pulls ; wants to pass them all. Hat getting loose ; 
antigropelo flapping. 

Happy Thought.— Squash my hat down anyhow, tight. 

The cold air catches my nose. I feel as if I 'd a violent cold. There 's 
j no comfort in riding at other people's pace. I wish they 'd stop. It's 
very unkind of them. They might as well. I should stop for them. 
What a beast this is for pulling ! I can't make him feel. 

Happy Thought.— li I ride again, have a short coat made, without 
tails. 

Everything about me seems to be flapping in the wind ; like a scare- 
; crow. Fridoline doesn't see me. What an uncomfortable thing a 
I hard note- book is in a tail-coat pocket, when cantering and bumping. 

Happy Thought.— End of canter. Thank Heavens ! he (or she) stops 
when the others stop. 

Fridoline looks round, and laughs. She is in high spirits. 

Happy Thought. — The hard road. Walk. Fasten my antigropelo. 
Tear it at the top by trying the spring excitedly. 

Before talking to her, I settle my hat and tie; also manage my 
pocket-handkerchief. Feel that I've got a red nose, and don't look as 
" showy " as I did. On the common we fall in with the Harriers, 
and men on horseback, in green coats. 

Byng knows several people, and introduces them to Miss Frido- 
line. He doesn't ititroduce me to anyone. We pass through a gate, 
into a ploughed lit- Id. The dogs are scenting, or something I see a 
rabbit. If I recollect rightly, one ought to cry out "Holloa!" or 
'"Gone away!" or " Yoicks ! " If I do, we shall all be galloping 
about, and hunting. 

Happy Thought.— Better not say anything about it. It 's the dogs' 
business. 

The dogs find something. Everyone begins cantering. Just as I 
am settling my hat, and putting my handkerchief into my pocket, my 
horse breaks into a canter. Spring of antigropelo out again. It is a 
long field, and I see we are all getting towards a hedge. The dogs 
disappear. Green coat men disappear over the hedge. 

Happy Thovght. — Stop my horse : violently. 

Our heads meet. Hat nearly off. Everybody jumps the hedge. 
Perhaps my horse won't do it. If I only had spurs, I might take him 
at it. Some one gets a fall. He 's on his own horse. If he falls, I 
shall. 

Happy Thought.— Any gap ? 

None. Old gentleman, on a heavy grey, says, "No good going after 
them. I know the country." Take his advice. If 1 lose the sport, 
blame him. 

Happy Thovght.— Hares double : therefore the hare will come back. 

Happy Thought— Stop in the field. 

Try to fasten antigropelo : tear it more. Trot round quietly. I'm 
getting well into my seat now. Shouldn't mind taking him at the 
hedge. Too late, as they'll be back directly. 1 explain to old gen- 
tleman who knows the country, that " I don't like leaping hired horses, 
or I should have taken him at that hedge." Old gentleman thinks 1 'm 



132 



'jPUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 30, 1867. 



quite right. So do I. They come back : the hare first. I see him 
and cut at him with my whip. Old gentleman very angry. I try to 
laugh it off. With the dogs I ride through the gate. Capital fun. 
The hare is caught in a ditch by the roadside. Old gentleman still angry. 

Happy Thought. — I am in at the death. Say " Tally ho ! " to myself. 

Happy Thought.— Ask for the brush. If I get it, present it to 
Fridoline. 

Milburd laughs, and says he supposes I want a hare-brush. 

It is a great thing to possess quick perceptive faculties. I see at 
once that a hare has no brush, and treat the matter as my own joke. 
[Note for Typical Developments, Book xvi., " Perception of tlie Ridicu- 
lous."] 

After looking about for another hare for half an hour, my blood is 
not so much up as it was. We are " Away " again. The hare makes 
for the hill. We are galloping. I wish I 'd had my stirrups put right 
before I started. A shirt button has broken, and I feel my collar 
rucking up • my tie working round. I cram my hat on again. There 's 
something hard projecting out of the saddle, that hurts my knees. 
Woa! He does pull. I think we've leapt something; a ditch. If so, 
I can ride better than I thought. What pleasure can a horse have 
in following the hounds at this pace ! Woa, woa ! My stirrup-straps 
are flying; my antigropelos on both sides have come undone; my 
breeches pinch my knees ; my hat wants cramming on again. In 
doing this I drop a rein. I clutch at it. I feel I am pulling the mar- 
tingale. Stop for a minute ; I am so tired. No one will stop. 



Happy Thought (at full gallop).— "Yovl Gentleman of England who 
live at home at ease, how little do you think upon " the dangers of this 
infernal hunting. 

Byng's whole-uncle is at home reading' his Times. Up a hill at a 
rush. Down a hill. Wind rushing at me. It makes me gasp like going 
into a cold bath. Think my shirt-collar has come undone on one 
side. 

Happy Thought (which flaslies across me).—Mazeppa. " Again he urges 
on his wild career ! " Mazeppa was tied on, though : I 'm not. 

I shall lose the antigropelos. Down a hill. Up a hill slowly. The 
horse is walking, apparently, right out of his saddle. Will he miss me? 

Happy Thought.— I '11 come off over his tail. 

I have an indistinct idea of horsemen careering all about me. I 
wish some one would stop my horse. Suddenly we all stop. I can- 
non against the old gentleman on the grey. Apology. He is very 
angry; says, "I might have killed him." Pooh ! 

Happy Thought— If this is hunting, it isn't so difficult, after all. 
But what 's the pleasure ? 

The hounds are scenting again. Countryman says he 's seen a hare 
about here. Delight of everybody. All these big men, horses, and 
dogs after a timid hare ! Why doesn't the Society for Prevention of 
Cruelty to Animals interfe re ? I thought they always shot hares. 
The dogs have got their tails up, and are whining. They are unhappy. 

Happy Thought— Shall write to old Boodels, and tell him I'm going 
out witli the hounds every day. Wish I was at home in an arm-chair. 




A WEIGHTY QUESTION. 

Stout Lady (wlw has been let down easy). " Now, Me. Feathehstone, if I can't get on from heke, can you lift me on ?" 



A PROSPECT OF POSSUMUS. 

"Orson is endowed with reason!" We hope we are enabled to 
say. "So is the Pope." Behold a telegram from Florence, which 
appears to indicate the Holy Father's incipient rationality :— 

" The Pope allows the Italian troops to enter his States to help the Pontifical 
troops to suppress brigandage." 

The wire transmitting this intelligence also conveyed the information 
that Cardinal Antonelli was "adverse," and that the "Blacks" 
were " furious." They are, no doubt, very wroth with the Pope for 
acting on the dictate of his newly awakened reasoning faculty, instead 
of continuing to follow their advice. To the eyes of the Blacks and 
Antonelli the admission of Italian troops into the Papal territory is an 
opening offered to the thin end of the wedge ; a commencement of 
coming to terms with the King of Italy, who is at the thick end of it. 



They consider it to signify that his Holiness is about to regale himself 
on humble-pie, and to oblige them, his ultramontane advisers, also to 
partake of that truly Lenten repast, which they have a particular 
objection to. In answer to every reasonable proposition, the Pope, 
they fear, means no longer to keep on crying non possumus. They 
apprehend that, on the contrary, being now compos, he will presently 
speak as such, and suit his action to the word. The Sovereign Pontiff, 
they are afraid, will no longer reject an invitation like that which the 
wooer in the Irish melody addresses to the " Charming Judy Callaghan." 
It appears too probable to them that he won't say nay any longer. 
With alarm and rage they perceive the probability that the next time 
he is asked whether he caunot make the little concession required 
for the completion of Italian Unity, he will sink the non, and com- 
pliantly answer possumus. 

An Error of the Press.— Picking a pocket in a crowd. " 



March 30, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



133 



WHAT THE LIONS THOUGHT OF IT. 

'Tis a wild night : in flaws the east winds blow : 
Slant, drives the sleet, that neither melts to rain, 

Nor keeps up its pretension to be snow — 
Mad March has brought mid-winter back again. 

How comes a crowd gathered on such a night, 
About the Lions couched at Nelson's feet ? 

On what do those red naptha-lamps throw light? 
"Wherefore those loiterers, cumbering the street ? 

This little man, that perks himself to roar 

Between the Lions, strong and dark and dumb, 

These listeners, many curious, careless more, 
And — it were hard to doubt it — earnest some ? 

These roughs who through the crowd their calling ply. 

Bonnet, pick pockets, or "put on the hug," 
And, blessing Beales and Bradlaugti, qualify 

For the Roughs' University — The Jug ? 

At length a stray policeman I impawn, 
Prom roughs afar, on the mob's outmost bound, 

And learn that 'tis Reform the crowd has drawn, 
The League, that lamps and orators has found. 

So having in my pockets nought to pick, 
My watch at home, my hat too old to bone, 

I force a passage where the crowd is thick, 
To hear the blast by Beales his trumpet blown. 

But. empty breath to empty air is given ; 

Fox et pnelerea nihil ! All I hear 
Is sound and fury without meaning driven 

By the east wind, down their kind throats that cheer. 

So, as from Beales's blast I gather nought, 

I work myself free of the crowd again, 
And, musing, try to shape the Lions' thought, 

About the crowd, the occasion, and the men. 

They think, I think, that neither here nor there, 
About their feet, or round the Speaker's state, 

Is met the Parliament, that mirrors fair 
The strength that makes the British Lion great. 

Here, in the Beales and Bradlaugh Parliament 
Is too much bark for the wish or power to bite : 

Mountains to heave, in desperate intent, 
And, for the heaving, here and there a mite. 

Wind-swollen puffiness for solid strength, 

The braggadocio of chiefs, whose brass 
Wire-drawn or beaten out to utmost length, 

Only with idiots for gold will pass. 

There, Potterers, as there are Potters here — 
Both impotent to shape the nation's clay ; 

Cowards, who make great questions small, for fear : 
Jugglers, who for their tops with pledges play. 

Spinners of cobwebs, when we cables need : 

Half-adepts, who a spirit can invoke, 
In hopes to lame or lay him, at their need, 

But impotent his summoned strength to yoke. 

And baser tricksters, hiding on their hands 

The soil of dirty bribe, or dirtier gain ; 
And many-acred, small-brained lords of lands, 

And hungry dogs, of office-offal fain. 

In neither Parliament the strength resides 
That of our England makes us emblems fit : 

The strength that sways the trident of the tides, 
So wide, the sun sees not the bound of it. 

That strength lies in the calm and common sense 
That, drawn from deep reserves, can turn to scorn 

St. Stephen's pride and peddling impotence, 
And bring low Beales' and Brad laugh's brazen horn 

Strength which can smite offence, occasion shape, 
As lions make Earth's weaker herds their own : 

Clear off the sophist films white truth that drape, 
As lions' tongues the membrane rasp from bone. 



Strength, nursed on long avoidance of extremes, 
Knit by the lies that run 'twixt class and class : 

That no more shares in democratic dreams 
Than oligarchic horror of the mass. 

Strength, that has root in reverence for right, 
That, by law shaped, has gone on shaping law, 

Strength, that, will never perish while our light 
From principle and precedent we draw ! 



WANTED-A LITTLE MORE OF THE TORNADO. 

The House of Commons can find time for two or three hour dis- 
cussions of Mr. Church ward's scandal, or Mr. Leatham's " Apologia 
pro corruptione sua," or Sir John Pakington's defence of his promo- 
tion of Lord Hakdwicre's son over three-fourths of the lieutenants 
of higher standing in the Service— in short, for any pretty little quarrel 
that involves spicy personalities, and leaves a stain on sometjody's 
fame or fingers. Can't it spare a night for a case which involves the 
rights of half-a-hundred Englishmen ? Can't it, muster up virtuous 
indignation enough— enough of the spirit that blazed into flame oyer 
Captain Jenkins's ear, some hundred and thirty years ago— to bring 
home to the insolent and overbearing "Jack Spaniard" that England, 
though in no way disposed to pick quarrels with foreigners, or to bully 
on slight provocation, is not content to put up, quite as quietly as 
Lord Stanley seems disposed to do, with the seven months' illegal 
imprisonment, plunder, and ill-treatment of the officers and crew of the 
Tornado ? 

It is true that forty-five of the fifty-three sufferers from this out- 
rageous violation of international law and natural justice have been 
liberated, but eight still remain in captivity, and even the forty-five 
so tardily set, free have been ordered by the Foreign Office to be sent 
home " as distressed British seamen," and with express directions 
given to our Minister at Madrid not to insist at present on any indem- 
nification for their long suffering, not even for restoration of the money 
—some £1093— of which they were robbed at the time of their illegal 
capture on the Irish seas ! And this, after Lord Stanley has ex- 
pressly stated (in his despatch of March 12) that the intervention of 
our Government has been exclusively founded on the injustice and 
illegality of the proceedings adopted by the Spanish authorities in the 
prosecution of tlieir claim against " the vessel." 

Unless indeed, Lokd Stanley have merely deferred the claims of 
these ill-used men for indemnification now that he may exact it, with 
interest, hereafter. If that be so, it is England's duty to strengthen 
his hands. If it be not so, and Lord Stanley be inclined to let the 
men whistle for the compensation most righteously their due, it is 
doubly England's duty to speak out, through her Press and her 
Parliament, and let botli Stanley and Spaniard know that such crying 
and scandalous injustice must not, and shall not, be. 



" CHAMPAGNE CHARLEY." 



It is with a gentleman's reluctance that Mr. Punch has brought him- 
self to print the above vukarity. But he heeds no sacrifice of feeling 
when he can instruct. He has just lighted upon an amusing passage 
in that most entertaining book, Mr. Jesse's Memoirs of George the 
Third, and it is a triumph of art to be able to append a morsel of read- 
able stuff on such a peg or such a name for a time : — 

"Exactly a hundred years ago CnAPLE' Townshend delivered one of the most 
brilliant speeches ever heard in the Commons. He bad previously spoken with 
calmness and judgment, then went to dinner with two friends, and re appeared in 
the House about eight, half drunk with champagne, and more intoxicated with 
spirits. But whatever may have been the source of his inspiration, there flawed 
from his lip* such bursts o f impassioned eloquence, such flashes of wit, such bitter- 
ness of invective, so varied a torrent of mingled ribaldry and learning, of happiness 
of allusion, imagery, and quotation, that everybody wis enchanted. For some days, 
says Walpolk, the universal question was, ' Did you hear Charles 's champagne 
speech?' " 

Now, if Townshend had been called Champagne Charley, the 
words, instead of being intolerable (luckily the cleverest of the bur- 
lesque writers, and a respected contributor to Mr. Punch, has wittified 
the tune) would have been worth remembering. As it is, they inspire 
Mr. Punch with a desire to kick the person who uses them. When 
shall we escape the Cad-lyries of the music-halls ? 



A Centenarian in a Cage. 



The Dispatch states that the sister of Beranger is still living, at 
Paris, in good health, 101 years of age, in the Couvent des Oiseaux. 
She must be a fine old bird. 



Irish Intelligence. — The number of asses in Ireland has been as- 
certained to be about 140,000. This figure is exclusive of the Fenians. 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



f March 30, 1867 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. 2. 

Mr. Lascelles Courtenay de Tracy Belassis Conynghame, M.P., Younger Son of an Ancient Family. 

Miss Barbara Blunt, of Livervool, Eight-and-Twenty, with £100,000. 

Mr. L. ct cetera C. is Stating, with what he considers much passionate "Warmth, that, their Political Opinions being 

THE SAME, A MATRIMONIAL ENGAGEMENT BETWEEN THE TWO WOULD MOST PROBABLY PROVE CONDUCIVE TO THEIR MUTUAL WELFARE. 

Now, there is no Mistake about the £100,000. 

Nor can any reasonable Doubt be entertained about Mr. C.'s Ancient Birth and Aristocratic Connections. 

Moreover, judging from the Physiognomy of each, wk do not think either will be over-exacting on the score of 
Conjugal Tenderness. And, speaking phrenologically, wp are of opinion that in this particular instance, Mu. L. O. 
will find Two Heads considerably more than Twice as Good as One. 

We therefore recommend Miss B. B. to reply, thai *' Lf the honourable Member will give Notice of his Question, 
it shall be duly Answered." 



A STRIKE OF SMOCK FROCKS. 

(Mr. Hawcock sings.) 

"Fis strikun for wages as now 's all the ra^e 
In this here progressive enlightenment age ; 
All labour 's a risun, and prices is too : 
And 1 doan't know what we be goun to do. 

The weavers was always a strikun, and then 
The miners, they struck, and the ironworks men. 
The builders is often on strike for a rise ; 
And even the tailors strikes sometimes, likewise. 

i 
Of strikes on the railways intended you hears, 
The cry is Strike Stokers, and Strike Engineers ! 
Which must, sitch small profits the Companies shares, 
Make them strike as well by an increase of fares. 

The shipwrights have struck for additional pay, 
Can't live on six shilluns and sixpunce a day ; 
Whilst here there is fellers, that bain't fur to seek, 
Contrives for to do 't on nine shillans a week. 

When I, as a youth, did a clodhuppun roam, 
I oft heer'd the bumpkins zing " Britons Strike Ilome" 
But there was no strikun in them days as now : 
They only struck bosses that foller'd the plough. 



Now they 've took at last too to strikun, I hear ; 
The lab'rers at Gawcott in Buckinghamshire. 
Ten shilluns a- week 's all they arned heretofore, 
But now they have struck to get two shillun more. 

Trades Unions for workmen arranges a strike. 
Farm lab'rers have now begun doun the like. 
They 've got their Committee and Treasurer too, 
Likewise Secretairy to carry 'em droo. 

That systum of strikun, by all I can find, 
Will soon be tried here if we farmers doan't mind ; 
And if the men strikes that 's employed on the laud, 
1 s'pose their employers must grant their demand. 

Consider'n to how much provisions do come, 
Ten shilluns a week, I must own, 's a small sum. 
And if there 's a strike as is anyways fair, 
'Tis sitch as the strike up nigh Buckingham there. 

But if we complies, for to gie 'um content, 

We also med strike for reduction of rent, 

But can't strike and pay at the same time, wuss luck ! 

While others can strike, we can only be struck. 

Of all this here strikun the end I doan't zee, 
Nor who, artcr all, is the suff'rers to be. 
But this I'll acknowledge, there's nobody can 
Have moor cause to strike nor a farm lab'run man. 



P.-lnted by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, H.iltord Square, In the Pariah of St. Jamen, Clerkenwell, in the Conity of Muidieaex, at the Printing otnee. of Mwiit. Bradbury, Evam ft Co. .Lomuard. 
Street, In the Precinct of WhlMHara. in the City of London , and Pobllahed by him at No. 84, Fleet Street, in the Pariah of 8t. Bride, C^y of London.— SiTU»D»y. Man* » F 13M. 



April G, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



135 




A COLLOQUY ON THE CAT. 



General Jodbernowl. 



Mn. Jones. 



^v< VT'^v.y 



NATURE AND ART. 

Pedestrian. "That's an Extraordinary Looking Dog, my Boy. What 
do you Call him ?" 

Boy. "Fust of all he tor' a Grey'ound, Sir, an' 'is Name was 'Fly,' 
an' then they cut 'is Ears an' Tail off, an' made a Masti' Dog on 'im, 
an' now 'is Name 's ' Lion ! ' " 



Jones. If Mr. Otway's Amendment in Committee on 
the Mutiny Bill had been carried, it would have put an end 
to corporal punishment in the Army during the time of 
peace. What then? 

Jobbernmcl. Sir, if flogging in the Army were abolished, 
the Army would be demoralised, and go to the deuce. 
Can't do without it, Sir. Civilians may talk ; but we can't 
do without it, Sir— can't do without it. 

Jones. As a civilian, of course, I speak with due diffi- 
dence. But is the British Soldier, generally, a fellow that 
can be restrained only by fear of the lash ? 

Job. Can't do without it, Sir— can't do without it. 

Jones. But, my , dear General, fear — the fear of bodily 
pain — is that the sort of feeling to restrain a man whose 
business consists in exposing his flesh to be lacerated and 
his bones to be shattered ? 

Job. All's one for that; can't do without it — can't do 
without it. 

Jones. Well, I don't know, but I should have thought 
that; a man who could only be got to behave himself by 
the terror of the cat, must, be a good-for-nothing fellow. 

Job. Can't do without it. 

Jones. Can't you do without such fellows ? Hadn't you 
better get rid of them ? Are there so many scoundrels in 
the rank and file of the British Army, that the cat is neces- 
sary to keep the Army together ? 

Job. Can't do without it, Sir. 

Jones. Well, but then, if that is so, the British Army is 
worse than the British Rascalry, the British Felonry, the 
British Rogues and Thieves. Among convicts the cat- 
o'-nine-tails is reserved for the exceptional punishment of 
cruel and cowardly garotters. 

Job. Can't do without it, Sir, for all that. Discipline, 
Sir, discipline must be maintained. Can't do without it. 

Jones. Well, it certainly does seem odd to me. Flogging 
is held to be too bad for any but the worst of criminals, 
and yet you can't do without it in the honourable pro- 
fession of arms. 

Job. No, Sir ; no. Can't — can't do without it. 

Jones. When Mr. Otway lost his Amendment, he made 
not a bad joke. He " congratulated the Government on 
the success of their whip." 

Job. All I can say, Sir, is— can't do without it. 



Il y a Close et Clothes. — After all, Lord Derby', 
when he makes the mistake of giving £40 a-year to Mr. 
Young is only doing with his Pensions what he has been 
doing with his Bills — stealing the other side's Clothes. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

However slowly the Reform Question may be advancing, it seems 
to be making safe progress. And in the meantime we get good 
speeches. Three capital ones, by the three best orators in the House, 
have adorned the debate on the Second Reading. This was moved on 
Monday, 25th March. Mr. Gladstone led off, with an elaborate attack 
upon the measure. It may suit Members of Parliament to tell their 
tales half-a-dozen times, but it does not suit Mr. Punch, and as he has 
already stated, in far terser language than that of the speaker, all the 
Gladstonian objections to the Bill, he will not recapitulate them. " We 
must make," Mr. G. said, " the best of the measure before us, but the 
prospect is very discouraging." He argued, at great length, and with 
much earnestness, to show how much the House ought to be dis- 
couraged. Finally, he demanded a Lodger Franchise, something to 
prevent very poor householders from being used corruptly, and sur- 
render of the Dual Vote. If these were conceded, he thought that 
though a Heavy Task was before them, the Bill might be allowed to go 
into Committee. 

Mr. Hardy, Member for the less intellectual part of Oxford Uni- 
versity, defended the Bill, and declined to recognise Mr. Gladstone's 
right to speak for all the Opposition. This bold course was not so 
bold as it appeared, for at the great Liberal meeting at Mr. Glad- 
stone's, when that gentleman advocated a smasli at the Bill, there was 
a very marked dissent. A great many Liberals want the question 
settled, and do not care who settles it. It is natural that Lord 
Russell and Mr. Gladstone should care very much. 

Among various speakers was the young Lord Amberley, who 
made his maiden speech, and has yet his mark to make. He must not 
put his hands under his coat-tails, and talk without action or passion 

VOL. LII. ] 



in his present stage of Parliamentary development. The House was 
kind to the young nobleman, but was not impressed. 

Mr. Roebuck supported the Second Reading, but disclaimed any 
idea of improving the character of the House, which he believed to be 
a very wise assembly. He denied that there were any " natural rights " 
to vote — right was the creation of law. But a large number of re- 
spectable persons wished for votes, and ought to have them. But not 
the uneducated, not the vicious. He reproved Mr. Gladstone's 
intense hostility, and politely recommended the Government not to be 
frightened by Pettifogging Cant. 

Sir John Karslake assured him that the Government would not 
be frightened at anything. 

Arthur Wellesley Peel, youngest son of the great Sir Robert, 
will please accept Mr. Punch's congratulations on his personal appear- 
ance and on his style of speech. This gentleman will do. He talked 
good sense, and was for settling the question this year. 

Tuesday. Sir Roundell Palmer dissected the Bill, ably, and was 
replied to, if not answered, by Sir John Rolt. Mr. Harvey Lewis 
made the good point that London was practically left out of the Bill. 
The Metropolis now possessed twice the wealth and population it had 
in 1832, yet nothing in the way of increased representation was offered, 
and the Lodgers were excluded. 

Mr. Bright then assailed the Bill, and his speech, thoroughly 
good-humoured, was a capital thing to hear. He introduced excellent 
fun, and the way in which he compared the Government to the 
Bechuanas (a tribe discovered by the great and good man as to whose 
fate we are still in painful suspense), who are stingy to the last degree, 
but ostentatious to a remarkable extent— whose chief, when asked for 
food, said, " Behold an Ox ! " and it was only a miserable goat — was 
true comedy, and drew roars from all sides. He would not be intolerant 



136 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 6, 1867. 



of any reasonable proposition, and stated that he hated the ways and 
scorned the purposes of faction. Mr. Bright never spoke better, and 
perhaps it will not be considered disrespectful to him to ask him 
whether, having seen that the Commons are proof against defiance, and 
are not sentimental, but will go with a speaker who talks to them like 
a gentleman, he does not find a victory over such an audience better 
worth having than the applause of those who couple him with Mr. 
Beales and Mr. Odgers ? 

Mr. Disraeli then girded up his loins for fight, and went at his 
work like a man. He was in good form, and did all he knew. Even 
the Star, which does not habitually smile on him, owns that his speech 
was probably as good as the famous champagne oration of Charles 
Townshend, mentioned last week by Mr. Punch. He stood up bravely 
for the goodness of his Bill, especially exulting over the Gladstonians 
on the ground that the Bill was based on a principle. He made fun of 
Mr. Gladstone's menacing manner, and rejoiced that a large piece of 
furniture was between them, for Mr. Gladstone had come down on 
him in the tone of a Familiar of the Inquisition. (By the way, Mr. 
G.'s hatters will make their fortune if he dashes many hats down as he 
has lately served his present unoffending tile.) He retorted, as to the 
special franchises, that they were not his own inventions, but that of 
Lord Russell and the Coalition Chancellor of the Exchequer. 
He not recognise the Lodger ? — why, he was the Father of the 
Lodger Franchise! But he had turned out his Ishmael into the 
wilderness this time because of the principle of Bating, but was ready 
to consider whether he could not be called in again. He at once sur- 
rendered the Dual Vote. And he would consider anything else, in 
reason. But the Government refused to treat Reform as a party 
question ; they had assumed the responsibility of settling the question, 
and until it should be settled they would not desert their post. Act with 
us candidly and cordially, and you will find on our side a complete reci- 
procity of feeling. "Pass this Bill, and then you may change the 
Ministry to-morrow." So ended Mr. Disraeli a speech which he 
will find it hard to surpass. 

Then was the Reform BilFread a Second Time. 

Vu the Budget (and the Deficiency," Mrs. John Bull, M'm,) the 
Committee is deferred until Monday next, the 8th. 

Reform has of late sat upon everything else, but we have now 
a little time to look up odds and ends. 

Lord Derby, touching the pension to Poet Young, of course said 
that he had never read a word of that bard's works, and he did not 
believe that any Prime Minister could'read the books of the people he 
was asked to pension. Now, you know, all that is very superb and 
official, but what does a man of many engagements do in private 
life when he receives a letter begging him to ask some literary friend 
for a puff for the author. Surely he has something in the shape of a 
sister, or a wife, or a cousin, or a lady-friend, to whom he can say, as 
he is putting on his gloves, "0, Margaretta, or Anastasia, or 
Epaphrodita, or Sal" (as the case maybe) "there's a book in a 
parcel on my table. Would ycu just glance through it for me, and sec 
whether I can decently do what the pestering idiot wants." We are 
unwilling to believe that an eminently respectable and genial nobleman 
has no assistance of this kind within reach, and it is sad that England 
should be laughed at for pensioning a writer whose lyrics are not 
nearly as good as a tailor's advertisement verses. 
_ Lord Stanley states that he has had no unfriendly communica- 
tions from the United States about the Alabama claims. We are 
happy to hear it. Mr. Punch is ready at any moment to run over and 
see Mr. Seward (at the expense of Her Majesty's Government), as 
Mr. P. wants to talk seriously to some leading Americans about Copy- 
right. Besides he wants to tell them something that will make them 
roar. He opened the other day an interesting account of the inaugu- 
ration of the splendid Boston Library, a few years ago. Nothing 
could be more imposing. But the music of the hymn that was sung as 
a sort of consecration of the collection of Books, was selected from the 
Pirata. Friends at a distance have only to refer to page 84 of the 
account. Let us liquor. 

Archbishop Longley abandons a Bill he had intended to intro- 
duce, on Ritualism, because a Royal Commission is talked of; but 
Archbishop Shaftesbury declines to imitate his colleague in charge 
of the Church. 

Mr. Walpole is like the actress who plays Tllhurina, and cries in 
the wrong place. If ever a ruffian deserved strangulation, it is a miner 
called Wager, who murdered his wife in a most cruel manner. Mr. 
Walpole weeps, and reprieves. The inefficiency of all human law is 
also shown in regard to a couple of dastards, miners also, who stood 
by and saw the brutal murder, but never interfered to help the implor- 
ing woman. Unless the miners of that district are all scoundrels, 
they will make it too hot for the disgusting cowards. We read of 
black flags being hung out by some women in reproach of some engine- 
drivers who did not strike; and the women of Wager's district will 
not deserve the name if they do not make a similar demonstration. 

Wednesday, a very excellent Bill, for Improving the Dwellings of the 
Humbler Class, was read a Second Time on the motion of Mr. Torrens, 
whose speech was worthy of the object. 



Thursday. A movement in the Lords, originated by Lord Lyveden, 
and supported by various peers, including the Bishop of Down for 
abolishing the Catholic Ecclesiastical Titles Act. Lord Derby said, 
of course, exactly what Mr. Punch said a little while ago to Mr! 
O'Beirne on the subject. A little fun came up in a suggestion that it 
was hardly the thing to discuss the subject in the absence of the Boy 
who chalked up "No Popery," and then ran away. 

The Duke of Cambridge, of whom Sir John Pakington speaks 
as veneratingly as if H.R.H. were the late Duke of Wellington, 
does not see his way to the entire abolition of the Army Cat, but 
will restrict it to certain cases. The Royal ducal will having been 
signified, the House of Commons has merely had to undo the vote of 
the 15th March, and vote by 225 to 131 that flogging shall not be 
abolished. Which it has done. 

Friday. Conversazione as usual. The French make a row about the 
proposed gift of the Plantagenet Statues to England, so the Queen, 
like a lady, absolves the Emperor from his promise. But our dog-in- 
the-manger neighbours have been informed that they really ought to take 
the statues out of the back kitchen of the gaol. If France affects to 
value the articles, she should treat them decently. National Gallery 
talk, and statement by Lord John Manners that there was no hurry, 
the land had not been acquired, and no decision had been arrived at. 
Complaint that the 'Servians ill-treat their Jews, for whom Lord 
Stanley promised to say a word. And then a tremendously long 
Irish row, originating in a citation by Sir John Gray of some 
language by Mr. Justice Keogh, touching Orangemen and Catholics, 
language which appears to Mr. Punch to have been perfectly justifiable. 
When Irish fire spreads, Greek fire is a fool to it, and in the course of 
the wrangle of several hours Sir H. Edwards alluded to Fenian 
sympathisers in Parliament — the awful ceremony of taking down 
his words was moved, the Speaker interfered, and Mr. Disraeli 
begged the House not to revert to the quarrelling system in vogue a 
quarter of a century [ago. It made him feel like Rip Van Winkle. 
Ultimately the words were withdrawn, and all was peace. Punch 
supposes that such safety valves are necessary at thnes^ 



THE STOKERS' STRIKE. 

Time : Day of the Strike. 



dramatis persons. 
Nervous Gentleman. Impetuous Passenger. 



Scene — Interior of First Class Compartment, London and Brighton Line. 

Impetuous Passenger (in a conversational mood). Queer thing this 
strike. 

Nervous Passenger (who thinks " queer" is scarcely the epithet). Yes. 
But I am glad to see that the men have returned to their work. 

Impetuous Pass, (delighted to find some one who is unacquainted with 
the news). Returned ! Oh dear no : not one. 

Nervous Pass, (to clinch any argument by an appeal to fact). But the 
trains are running again, Sir. Here we are in one. There must be a 
Stoker of course. (Is satisfied with Ms ownproof, and would like to go to 
sleep.) 
Impetuous Pass. A Stoker/ Not a bit of it : nor a Driver either. 
Nervous Pass, (beginning to feel alarmed). No Driver ! 
Impetuous Pass. Well. I, mean no regular Driver. The fellow 
we 've got volunteered his services to drive the engine to Brighton. 
Public-spirited, wasn't it? He said he thoroughly understood the 
principles on which an engine was worked, and thought he could drive 
one, if he tried. 

Nervous Pass, (wishing he could stop the train and get out). But Good 
Heavens, Sir ! Good Hea .... hasn't he ever driven one before ? 

Impetuous Pass, (on his own authority). Never. (With a laugh.) 
Rather a dangerous thing, isn't it ? 
Nervous Pass, (who has no words to express his horror at the situation'). 

Dangerous! Sir!!! it's (A bang is heard. Nervous Gentleman lis 

dozen the window). Good Gracious ! What's that? (Another bang.) 

Impetuous Pass. That 's a fog-signal. It means "Danger." They use 
them to-day because the fellow doesn't understand the regular code ; 
and it is as well to be cautious. (Another bang, and train slackens speed.) 
Nervous Pass. Cautious ! 

[Thinks that if he ever gets to Brighton, he'll write to the " Times." 
Remembers that he wrote once before about organs, and they 
didn't put it in. Thinks he won't write to the "Times." Fog- 
signal. He is startled; wishes, to himself that they would , ft 
let off those things. Corrects himself by recollecting Unit if they 
diil ii t, something might happen. Finds, by his " Guide," that in 
twenty minutes more the train is due at Brighton, and resigns 
himself helplessly to his fate. Impetuous Person resumes con- 
versation about accidents, mismanagement, signal codes, and 
general carelessness. Carriage-light down. Tunnel. 
End of Scene. 



April 6, 1807.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



137 



THINGS NOT YET EXHIBITED AT THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 

R. Puncii was far too wise 
to be made an April fool of, 
and so be civilly but firmly 
declined an invitation to see 
tbe Paris Exbibition opened 
on tbe first of April. Every- 
body knows that the Emperor 
is a man of his word, and is 
most honourably exact in the 
keeping of his promises. Yet 
everybody doubted if the Big 
Show would be opened pre- 
cisely on the day which bad 
imperially been fixed. The 
French notoriously are punc- 
tual in keeping their appoint- 
ments, and in affairs of busi- 
ness never are behindhand. 
But somehow people recol- 
lected that in famous '51 and 
in less famous 'G2 the French 
Court was half shut up when 
the Exhibition opened. This 
year of course the weather 
was pleaded in excuse for 
them. Like the cat in the 
lodging-house, tbe weather is 
the cause of many breakages 
of faith, and not even the 
Emperor can quite command the weather. But though Mr. Punch abstained from deco- 
rating Paris with his presence on the First, he saw in his mind's-eye whatever was worth 
seeing there. Moreover, be saw many things which were not to be seen, excepting by his 
mental vision. For instance, in the French half of the Gigantic gasometer, these are certain 
of the things which Mr. Punch observed to be conspicuous for their absence : — 

Portrait of a Happy Peasant, delighted at the prospect of an increased conscription. 
Picture of a Railway Refreshment-Room in France, where, as in " merry England," you 




are served by merry jesters with such refreshing 
condiments as sawdust sandwiches, stale pastry, 
scalding soup, and shilling sherry. 

Petition of ten thousand Tax-payers of Paris, 
praying for the threatened augmentation of the 
Army. 

Presentation Service of Plate to an Hotel- 
Keeper, for not having raised his charges for 
tbe Exhibition Season. 

Fancy Portrait of the Frenchman who has 
ever crossed the Channel without feeling the 
least, sea-sick. 

Ditto of the Chasseur who would ever let a 
fox trot past him without shooting at it. 

A Sample of " la petite pres.se" which is proper 
to be read, or even looked at, by a lady. 

A Modern Play which has achieved a great 
success on the French stage, and is fit to be 
with literalness translated for the English. 

A French Knife that will carve, a bit of 
French beef without bending. (Try Mappin in 
the Champs Elysees.) 

Portrait of a French Gentleman who knows 
how to dress himself. 

The ??ieuu of a Cheap Restaurant in any part 
of Paris, where for one-half of the money you 
cannot dine doubly as well as at, any of the 
cheap and nasty dining-rooms in London. 

The Dress of a French Ballet-Girl which to 
English eyes is decent. 

The Address of any Maison Meublee to be 
hired this spring in Paris for less than twenty- 
fold the rent which has been hitherto de- 
manded. 

In conclusion, the most curious of the unex- 
hibited curiosities — 

A French Window that will shut ; a French 
Clasp-Knife that will open; and a French Fire 
which in winter you can sit over in comfort. 



ME. PUNCH TO THE EMPEROR OF THE 
FRENCH. 

My dear Emperor, Whitefriars. 

You must be a good deal occupied just now with your Exhi- 
bition, and I hesitate to bother you, but it happens that I want to say 
a word on an Exhibition topic. 

Do you know Mr. Henry Cole, C.B. ? I suspect he cannot nave 
been in Paris all this time without having honoured you with bis 
acquaintance. At least, it is not his way to hide his candle under a 
bushel, especially when lie can make that brilliant light shine before 
the eyes of notables. 

Well, my dear Emperor, excuse the request I am going to make, 
but grant it, though it may be disagreeable. I will do anything for 
you in return. 

The first time you see Cole, please to order him to follow you into 
the British Department, and to point out to you a contribution from my 
publishers, Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co. That there may be no 
humbug, I will tell you that it consists of a tall stand, in black wood, 
on which are displayed specimens of the coloured pictures by John 
Leech, various works printed by the firm I have mentioned, two 
columns, on which are inscribed, in gold, the names of distinguished 
authors whose books have been published by that house, and, in the 
centre, is a curiously arranged pillar, formed of my own immortal 
volumes, and on the top of this is a beautifully painted statue of myself, 
saluting yourself, and France generally. 

Make Cole show you this. I daresay he will not volunteer to do 
so. I do not think that he will resist ; but if so, your late uncle had a 
way of taking persons by the ear — I say no more to his nephew. 

When you have looked at my Shrine with befitting interest, turn 
round on Cole, and, fixing upon him the Napoleonic eye, demand of 
him why, in violation of original arrangement, he caused this display 
to be placed the wrong way, so as to injure the effect, and prevent 
many persons from seeing it. Make him speak, he likes to hear his 
own voice. 

Then send me word what he says. If he does not give you the real 
reason, I will give it you in another letter, but I should like to hear 
what he assigns. 



Congratulations and best regard to Her Imperial Majesty. I rejoice 
to learn that my young friend, her son, is so much better. 

Believe me, yours very truly, 
Tuesday. _ _ ^JHfldl. 

A STRONG HINT. 

Mr. Punch has observed, with displeasure, a theatrical advertise- 
ment, beaded "Awful Cruelty to Schoolboys." He wonders what 
sort of persons such an amusement is thought likely to please. At 
first, he hoped that it referred only to something iu a pantomime, but it 
describes a representation of the terrible scene in Nicholas Nickelby, in 
which such well-deserved and fatal vengeance was inflicted upon 
certain scoundrel schoolmasters in the North. This, in itself, is not a 
scene for the stage, and such an advertisement of it is simply revolting. 
Punch does not indicate the theatre, but it is one in the hands of a 
gentleman who seems to derive exquisite and undying fun from bad 
puns on his own name. That is harmless vulgarity, but the above 
advertisement is worse than vulgarity — we hope not to have occasion 
to recur to the subject, and say how much worse. 



RITUALISM AND BUSINESS. 
Under the head of " Minor Occurrences" the Dispatch says that : — 

" In opposition to the remonstrance lately presented to the Bishop ok Oxford 
by certain lay communicants of Reading, a counter declaration is now in course of 
signature among some of the leading Churchmen of that town." 

Probably that counter declaration is the manifesto of eminent up- 
holsterers who are interested in supplying Ritualist churches with 
furniture, and of large linendrapers who drive a good trade with 
Ritualist parsons in the ribbons, lace, silks, satins and muslins which 
are needful to make gowns, petticoats, shawls, tippets, and trimmings 
for those reverend gentlemen. 



Ladies of the Creation v. Lords. 

To votes for the ladies when we've once been schooled, 
Seats for the ladies Mill must point his pen at : 

And speed the time when England shall be ruled 
As Cambridge is, by " Graces of the Senate ! " 



The Most Criminal Bet.—" Walpole's Wager." 



138 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[April 6, 1867. 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. 3. 

HOW VERY MUCH BETTER THEY MANAGE THESE THINGS IN FRANCE ! HERE IS A YOUNG MAN, PERFECTLY GENTEEL, OF IRRE- 
PROACHABLE CONDUCT, AND OCCUPYING A GOOD SITUATION IN A PROVINCIAL POST-OFFICE— AND A YOUNG LADY ADMIRABLY BROUGHT 
UP, WITH A WELL AUTHENTICATED DOWER OF £2000 (IN FRANCS IT SEEMS MUCH MORE). 

Free Translation : — 

"Good day, Mademoiselle. Have I not the pleasure of Addressing Mademoiselle Anastasie Troussenez-Lecamus ? " 

" Such is indeed my name, Monsieur." 

" Mademoiselle, I am Victor Achille Hyacinths Desire Papelard ! My venerable Parents have obtained for me the 
Permission of Monsieur, your Father, and Madame, your Mother, to lay at your feet my Heart, my Hand, my Future ! 
May I dare to hope that you will deign to cast a Favourable Glance on my Aspirations ? " 

" Monsieur, I am Enchanted to make your Acquaintance ! My dear Parents having Recommended me to Accede to 
your Wishes in this Respect, it is with much Pleasure that I have the Honour of Accepting the Flattering Offer you 
make me. Give yourself, I pray you, the trouble to sit down, that I may immediately Impart to my Mother the news 
of your Visit." 



A PERSONAL RATING. 

{From the Westminster Ladies to the Westminster Ladies' man.) 

" Persons," indeed, Mr. Mill ! And you call yourself a philosopher, 
And own that when Adam legislates without Eve, he feels the loss of 

her! 
And you talk about woman's rights, and the duties of man to the sex, 
And yet you must tread on our toes, like the clumsiest wretch of your 

he-sex. 
That in crush-room or on stair-case plants his stupid feet on one's 

train, 
And for all the looks one gives him hasn't wit to get off again, 
But wriggles and grins and gossips, with his odious boots entangled 
In one's Cluny, guipure, or moiree, till one's queue is cruelly mangled, 
And flatters himself all the time he 's perfectly irresistible, 
Though one hears one's gathers giving, and feels like the witch in 

Christabel. 
As if Britannia wasn't a lady, and Britons her sons, 
When you claim our rights you 've the impudence to allude to us as 

" persons " ! 

" Persons " indeed ! as if women hadn't minds as well as bodies ; 
As if brain didn't work 'neath the chignon, and a heart beat under the 
bodice. 



True, we 've persons to be proud of, as you men know to your cost, 
And milliners' bills to be paid, and cheques and husbands to be cross'd : 
We 've persons that turn your heads, and fill the men's wards in Bedlam, 
Change the roaring bachelor lion into the bleating wed lamb ; 
Persons that have set armies in march, bade conquerors linger ; 
And twisted Samson's strength round Dalilah's little finger. 
Persons that have made poets and painters and sculptors immortal, 
Have built the temple of Venus, and bowed all men at its portal ! 
And you would give woman her right, as if she hadn't taken it 
When Adam ate the apple, after Eve from the tree had shaken it. 

But know if we are the persons, 'tis " men " that are the things : 
The plausible, pompous puppets, of which women pull the strings. 
Talk of giving a vote to her, who can give you a curtain lecture ; 
And about " what will she do with it " complacently conjecture ! 
I '11 tell you "what she'll do with it"— she'll fling it back in your 

faces, 
And bid the Lords of Creation kotow to its Ladies' graces. 
While voteless we both govern and reign, the vote we would eschew all, 
Which if man and wife were twain would be " duel," if one, " dual." 
In your house why should we serve, who reign in our own houses ? 
Why take the trouble of pairing off, who 've already paired off with 

spouses ? 
Why "divide et impera" take as the motto of woman's mission, 
Who make laws without debating, and win without division ? 



PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHAPJVART.— April fi, 1867. 



NEW REFORM HOUSE! 
CLOSED FOR REPALF 
TILL APRIL i 




THE "IRREPRESSIBLE LODGER." 

Mrs. Dizzy (The Chahtvoman). " WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS-AFTER THE EIGHTH OF APRIL I DESSAY WE 
MAY BE ABLE TO ACCOMMODATE THE LOT OF YER." 



April 6, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



141 



EFFECTS OF THE EAST WIND. 

ery terrible were the effects 
of the east wind last month. 
For scientific purposes we 
record a few of them. 

Mr. Fawner was so an- 
gered by walking for an 
hour with the east wind in 
his face, that on calling on 
his aunt, from whom he had 
great expectations, he ac- 
tually forgot himself so far 
as to kick her favourite lap- 
dog — a kick as fatal to his 
hopes as that of the poor 
merchant who kicked down 
his basket of glass. 

Mr. Smiler was enraged 
by the east wind to so alar- 
ming an extent that he 
showed his loss of temper 
by passing a whole week 
without paying a compli- 
ment. 
Mr. Honeymoon was so 

put out by the east wind that he sat down to dinner without having 

first, kissed his bride. . • 

Mr. Mealymouth was so affected by a walk in the east wind that 

he forgot himself so far as, in the presence of a lady, to speak of it as 

"beastly." 
Mr. Sleek was paying court to the wealthy Miss Crcestjs, but his 

warm affection was so cooled by the east wind that she is always 

" not at home " now when he pays a visit. 
Mr. Clapperton was so cut up by the east wind that in a moment 

of ill-temper he actually hissed at seeing some bad acting, a thing 

hardly in the recollection of the very oldest playgoer. 




PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE THIRD. 



Yours truly Peeper the Great was prevented from giving you a 
peeper — I mean a paper — on the all-absorbing topic last week, in 
consequence of a private communication from Lotjey, who had his 
doubts as to the practicability of opening the Palley on the advertised 
day. " Ki bono?" he said to me, speaking as excellent Latin as I 
ever learnt at the seminary in Hammersmith which superintended my 
education when in statu poopillari. 

The truth is, the Exhibition is in the deuce 'of a mess, and so my 
task of guidance, undertaken as a labour of love, will be a work of 
some difficulty. As it is, I have done my shins severe injury, and have 
sustained several severe shocks by falls and concussions in my attempts 
to climb over the packages, cases, and boxes, and give you from 
personal inspection, the situation, number, and all possible 'particulars 
concerning every article sent for exposition. 

" Jer sicee," said I to Lotjey — " Jer steer sewer Ml serar urn grong 
sooksay." It would be mere snobbishness on my part to repeat our 
conversation. 

My best plan will be to give your readers a clear idea of how to 
spend a happy day in Parry. I suppose that you have obtained a bed 
at some hotel. On awaking you will sonnay, that is ring the bell, and 
be prepared on the entrance of the chambermaid (who is a man) to 
give your orders while he is in the room. Keep your dictionary under 
your pillow and a grammar ; I need not tell you the French words you 
will require, as these books will repay your careful researches. 

Send for a tas of shokolar (chocolate) and piece of dry toast (urn 
morso der pang freet sek). Refresh yourself with this, and sleep till 
eleven, when you will dress and go to a Kaffy to take your dayjernay 
allarfurshett. If the pecuniary means at your command won't allow 
of this extravagance, be satisfied with' (too shokolar, as above, and lie 
in bed until such time as may seem to you best adapted for combining 
lunch, dinner, and dayjernay ullar furshett in one meal. Of course this 
method will considerably curtail your time at the Exhibition, but as 
the old proverb says, " You can't burn your pudding at both ends at 
once." 

The prices for dining vary all over Parry. You may get a thoroughly 
satisfying dinner for half a franc (5<£). This depends upon what you 
take, and the nature of your appetite. If you can make a dinner off 
large lumps of sugar, you may dine for nothing, anywhere. The 
Parisians as a body are decidedly hospitable, but they will not ask you 
to dinner unless they know you ; a considerable latitude will be 
allowed to visitors this year, and an Englishman walking at haphazard 
into any French gentleman's house will be received with more than 



THEATRICAL IMPERTINENCES. 

We don't complain of the normal impertinences of the stage — the 
leering horse-play of the average low comedian, the airs and graces of 
the light ditto, the saucy familiarity of the soubrette, or the heavy-man's 
demand for a round of applause, emphasised by an attitude and insisted 
upon in a rant. All this the much-enduring British Public has been 
used to so long, that it submits to it, as to the measles, or the plumbers, 
or the tax-gatherers, or the east wind, or any other ill that comes so 
regularly that we learn to grin and bear it. But there are some new 
theatrical impertinences creeping in which have not yet taken such root 
as to be entitled to submission without protest, some which may yet, 
perhaps, be nipped in the bud by a firm application of the public finger 
and thumb, or rooted out by a vigorous use of the critic's spud. 

Among these, is the impertinence of mustachios. If a stage hero 
wants these appendages, and won't be content with burnt cork, but 
must go in for the realistic in hair, he should buy them of Mr. Wilson 
or Mr. Clarkson. An actor has no more business to grow mustachios 
than he has to grow wrinkles or rouge or scratch wigs, or a red nose. 
The one should be as much matter of " make-up " with him as the 
others. This holds, even supposing mustachios to be in keeping 
with the part. Natural hair, in fact, has no business on an actor's 
mouth and cliin. His face is a canvas to be painted on, and 
should be kept as bare as possible. But natural hair on an actor's 
upper lip, as one sees it so often now-a-days, in parts where the 
mustachio is an anachronism and a disfigurement, is a gross imperti- 
nence — a piece of inartistic self-conceit, which Managers ought not to 
tolerate, and critics ought to denounce. One night last week Mr. Punch 
saw, at the Lyceum, mustachios worn by a tavern-waiter ! It is true 
that M. Feciiter did not perform in the piece, and it was only to be 
expected therefore, that scenery, dresses, appointments and acting 
should be as bad and careless as they could be. But going on to the 
Olympic, where pieces are as a rule well-dressed and well-mounted, 
whether the Manager plays in them or not, and where Charles 
Mathews is now engaged, to give his brother actors as perfect an 
example of dress as of deportment, Mr. Punch was disgusted to see 
the actor who played a Maccaroni in a play of Foote's — very carefully 
put on the stage, and admirably acted (with a few exceptions) — wearing 
black mustachios with a powdered wig ! We do not know whether 
such an anomaly was a piece of ignorance or conceit on the part of the 
actor ; it should be enough to point out to him that mustachios are as 
much out of keeping with the costume and period of The Liar as a 
chimney-pot hat or a spade-beard would be : that they destroy the 
effect of the wearer's appearance — which we presume he chiefly 
cherishes— and mar every picture in which he takes part. If the actor 
has not the good taste to keep these appendages for the parts they 
belong to, the Manager ought no more to permit him to wear them in 
characters that they do not properly fit in with than he would allow 
Othello to appear without colour, or Hamlet to come on in the black 
coat and continuations of Belgravia. As this impertinence is a grow- 
ing one, it ought to be noted and nipped. 

Another impertinence is, as yet, conGned to the bills — that of 
young ladies figuring in posters and programmes under petits noms, as 
Millies, Nellies, Katies, and Madges. We presume these ladies were 
christened in the usual styles as Emily, Ellen, Kate, and Margaret ? 
To use a pet name is the privilege of a lover, a husband, an intimate 
friend or a relation ; to take one for yourself; in dealing with the public, 
is to assume a footing at once of favour and familiarity which is both 
vulgar and impertinent, however popular, pretty, or piquante the 
particular Milly, Nelly, Katie, or Madge may be. Even men are 
beginning to fall into the same impertinence; but as yet the male 
petit nom has hardly got beyond the comic singers of the music-halls. 
In them it is only one impertinence more. 



open arms. The unexpected visitor will be astonished at the warmth 
of his reception. 

Carry your umbrella with you, always. 

[Any reader sending me privately a postage-stamp, shall receive the 
address of the hotel I last patronised. This recommendation will be 
invaluable to the stranger, only on no account mention your informant's \ 
name.] 

Before proceeding any further, let me ask one question. Is there 
anyone wishing to show himself in the Exposissiong who has not yet 
applied for space ? 

Remember, the first of April has passed. Allowing for differences 
between clocks and watches of all nations, it will perhaps not come 
back again. 

I trust that this hint will be taken in good part. 

Having to go down to the Tweellyres on business, 1 must defer any 
directions about visiting the Exhibition until my next. 



One op the things they i>o.v'r "Manage better in France." 
— A Great Exhibition. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[April 6, 1S67, 




SOCIETY. 

Mistress. "Well, Dickson, I suppose yoit all want a Party this Year, as usual?" 

Maid. "Yes'm, we should Like one, if you Please. It's awkward accepting of Invitations, if we don't Send out 
none in Return ! " 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

(Finish of the Run — Staggers — Home?) 

Ask a countryman to fasten my antigropelos. Sixpence. Can he 
alter my stirrups ? He does ; not satisfactorily. The hounds make a 
noise, and before the countryman has finished my stirrups, we are off 
again. Nearly off altogether. I shan't come out again. Up another 
hill. This is part of the down country. My horse is beginning to 
get tired. He'll go quieter. Every one passes me. Get on ! get up ! 
He is panting, I feel excited. I should like to be on a long way 
ahead, in full cry, taking brooks, fences, and ditches. Get on ! What 
an obstinate brute ! I think I could take him over that first hedge 
now. I'd give something to be at home. Dropped my rein; in 
getting it up, dropped my whip. Some people standing about won't 
see it. Horses and hounds a long way on. I think Milburd, or 
Byng, as I 'm his guest, might have stopped for me. Very selfish. 

Happy Thought.— Gtt off and pick it up. 

If I get off I shall have to get up again. Perhaps he won't stand 
still. I am all alone ; everyone has disappeared, except a few pedes- 
trians who have been watching the sport from the top of this hill. I 
haven't got the slightest idea as to where I am. What county ? How far 
from Bang's ? The horse seems to me to be trembling, probably from 
excitement. He stretches his head out. What power a horse has 
in his head, he nearly pulled me off. He shakes himself violently. 
Very uncomfortable. Perhaps he 's rousing himself for another effort. 

Happy Thought. — Get off. 

He is quivering in both his front legs. I feel it like a running cur- 
rent of mild electric shocks. Get out my note-book. The beast seems 
to be giving at the knees. I don't know much about horses, but 
instinct tells me he 's going to lie down. 

Happy Thought.— Get off at once. 

Off. Just in time. He nearly falls. He is shivering and quivering 
all over. Poor fellow ! Woa, my man, woa, then, poo' fellow ! I have 



got hold of his bridle at the bit. His eyes are glaring at me : what 
the deuce is the matter with him ? 

Happy Thought. — Is he going mad ! ! ! 

He pulls his head away from me — he jerks back : he pulls me after 
him. I try to draw him towards me : he jerks back more and more. 
His bit 's coming out of his mouth. Is he going to rear ? or kick ? or 
plunge ? or bite me ? What is the matter with him ? 

Happy Thought. — Ask some one to hold him. 

Two pedestrians come towards me cautiously, an elderly man is 
yellow gaiters, and a respectable person in black. Horse snorts wildly, 
grunts, glares, shivers, jerks himself back : I can't hold on much longer. 
If he runs away he '11 become a wild horse on the downs, and I shall 
have to pay for him. Hold on. 

Happy Thought. — Say to man in gaiters, very civilly, "Would you 
mind holding my horse while I pick up my whip," as if there was 
nothing the matter. He shakes his head, and keeps at a distance. In 
his opinion the horse has got the staggers. 

The staggers ! Good heavens ! I ask him, " Do they last long ? " 
" Long time, generally," he answers. " Will he fall P " I ask. " Most 
likely, he answers. Then I ask him, angrily, " Why the deuce he 
stands there doing nothing ? Why doesn't he get a doctor ? If he '11 
hold the beast for a minute, I'll run to the village for a doctor." 

He says, " There ain't no village nearer than Radsfort, six miles 
from here." _ Then I '11 run six miles, if he '11 only hold my horse. He 
won't — obstinate fool : then what's he standing looking at me for, and 
doing nothing ? He says he 's as much right to be on the downs as I 
have. The horse is getting worse : he nearly falls. Ho ! hold up. 
He holds up convulsively, but shows an inclination to fall on his side 
and roll down the hill. 

Happy Thought (which strikes the Person in Hack). Loosen his girths. 

Happy Thought (which strikes me). — Do it yourself. 

He won't — the coward. He says he's afraid he '11 kick. Kick! he 
won't kick, I tell him. I think I should feel the same if I was in his 
place. 1 urge him to the work, explaining that I would do it myself, 
if I wasn't holding his head. He makes short nervous darts at the 



April 6, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



143 



horse's girths, keeping his eye on his nearer hind leg. I encourage 
him, and say, " Bravo, capital !" as if he was a bull-fighter, lie loosens 
one girth. Do the other : he won't. 

Horse still shivering. Now he is dragging away from me, and trying 
to get down hill harder than ever. " Staggers " are like hysterics. 
What do you do to people in hysterics ? Cold water, vinegar— hit 
them on the palms of their hands. Man behind a hedge, about a 
hundred yards distant, who has been looking on in safety, halloes 
out some advice unintelligibly. Why doesn't he come close up ? I 
shout back irritably, "What?" He repeats, evidently advice, but 
unintelligible. It sounds like, " If you arshy-booshy-mamsy-goggo 
{unintelligible), you'll soon make him balshybalshy {unintelligible),* 
and then you can easily causheycoosheycaushey." Why on earth can't 
he speak plainly ? 

I can'only return irritably and excitedly shouting to him, " Wha-a-at ? 
What do you say ? " He walks off in the opposite direction. 1 ask 
who is that man ? Nobody knows. I should like to have him taken 
up and flogged. No change in the horse's symptoms. Where are 
Byng, Milbued, and the rest ? They must have missed me. I think 
they might have come'back. I say, bitterly, " Friendship ! " Confound 
the horse, and the harriers, and everybody. 

Another man comes up. Tall and thin, he stands with the other 
two, and stares as if it was an exhibition. If there is one thing that 
makes me angry, it is idiots staring, helplessly. The last idiot who 
has come up has something to say on the subject. The'horse is shaking, 
gasping; 1 know he'll fall. If he falls I've heard cabmen say in 
London, " sit on his head." 

Prospect. — Sitting on his head, in the middle of the bleak_ downs, 
until somebody comes who knows all about the staggers. If no one 
comes sit on his head all night ! ! ! 

Happy Thought {which suddenly occurs to the last comer). — Cut his 
toneue. 

What good '11 that do ? " Relieve him," he replies. Then do it. 
He says he won't undertake the responsibility. He has got a pen- 
knife, and I may cut the' tongue, if 1 like. Cut his tongue! doesn't 
the man see I 'm holding his head — I can't do everything. He replies 
by mentioning some vein in the horse's tongue, which it cut instantly 
cures the staggers. It appears on inquiry that he doesn't know where 
the vein is. What helpless fools these country people are ! I thought 
country people knew all about horses ! — What are they doing on the 
downs ? Nothing. Pools : I hate people who merely lounge about. 
Will any'one of them get a doctor ? As I ask this the horse nearly 
falls. A ploughboy arrives. 

Happy Thotight.—He, shall hold the horse. 

I ask him : he grins : what an ass ! I command him imperiously to 
hold the horse. He 'says, in his dialect, that he can't. " Why not ? " 
I ask, " What on earth can he be doing ? " He replies, " Moind'nruks." 
"What?" I bellow at him. " Moin'nruks." His reply is interpreted to 
me by the yellow gaiters— the boy is " minding rooks." The boy grins 
and shows me an enormous horse-pistol with cap on, pointed, under 
his arm, at me. The.idea of trusting such an imbecile with a pistol ! 
" Turn it the other way " : he grins. " 'Tain't loaded." He explains 
that they only give him a cap— no powder. " Never mind, turn it the 
other way." 

Happy Thought. — If the long thin man will hold my horse while I go 
to Radsfort, I will give him half-a-sovereign. I offer this diffidently, 
because he is such a respectable-looking person. 
• Respectable-looking person closes with the offer immediately.' Yellow 
gaiters and man in black propose to show me where the village is : for 
money. Is this the noble English character that we read of in the 
villages of our happy land ! ! Mercenary, dastardly, griping, gaping 
fools and 'cowards, who 've been delighting themselves with my miseries 
for the last hour. 

Long man holds the horse. The beast just as bad as ever. Don't 
care now : got rid of him. Wonder what the long man will do if he 
falls on his side. It 's worth ten shillings to be free, 

Miserable work walking. Beginning to rain. 

Man on horseback coming towards me. 

Happy Thought.— Byng's groom. I can imagine the delight of a 
shipwrecked man on a desert island on seeing somebody he knows 
rowing towards him. He has come back to look for me. He is on 
his master's horse, and the ladies and his master are in the pony trap 
in the road just below. The ladies ! 

Happy Thought. — Be driven home. Soft cushions : rugs. 



The Good Lady Puzzled. 



Mrs. Malaprop cannot understand all this fuss about Household 
Suffering and Vote by the Ballet. Having just parted with another 
servant-of-all-work — the fourth since Martinmas— she has her own 
ideas on the subject of Household Suffering ; but, why anybody should 
wish to give votes for Members of Parliament to those young persons 
who dance at the theatres, she cannot possibly imagine. She is shocked 
and horrified at the notion of Duel voting. 



THE POETS: AN ECLOGUE ABRIDGED. 



Poet Young. 



Poet Close. 



Poet Close. Young, in arm-chair, behind your yard of clay, 
You muse and meditate on grog and pay. 
I missed my tip, and mourn the cancelled boon ; 
I pine unpensioned. Luckier buffoon, 
You, all serene, Young, teach the woods around 
" Croppies lie down'' responsive, to resound. 

Poet Young. Close, a Trump this rest on me bestowed, 
For Trump I'll ever call him— or be blowed. 
Oft to his health I '11 drain the steaming glass. 
Life, as you see, he gave me leave to pass 
Thus jollily, and, what I chose, to sing 
On Agriculture, or on anything. 

Close. I envy not, more wonder at your luck, 
So many foes might 'cup from lip have struck. 
Lo here, myself, I blighted hopes beweep, 
Those kids, Young, I can ill afford to keep. 
Alas, my rent fell due the other day ! 
And now I have my taxes yet to pay. 
I might have, if I hadn't been an ass, 
Foreseen the grief foredoomed to come to pass. 
I spilt the salt, and from a blasted oak 
One day I heard a boding raven croak. 
But who the Trump is that has eased your woes, 
Poet Young, relate to Poet Close ! 

Young. 'Twas Derby's Earl, 'twas Knowsley's noble Lord, 
Close, who my genius gladdened with reward. 
He to my testimonials lent an ear, 
And said, " Allow Young forty pounds a year." _ 

Close. fortunate old Young ! so you '11 remain 
A pensioned bard, how rude soe'er your strain. 

fortunate old Young ! exempt from need, 

You '11 quaff potheen and smoke the fragrant weed. 
Now, Poet Close, your panegyrics write, 
Now your lampoons with caustic ink indite ! 
Go dreams, once happy, go delusions wild, 
By hope of pension now no more beguiled, 
Hereafter shall I trace, with ready pen, 
Verses in praise of influential men. 

1 '11 cease to sing, nor poetry nor prose 
The public shall receive from Poet Close. 

Young. Yet here awhile you can repose with me 
On yonder stool. Here are potatoes, see. 
Here is tobacco ; there is genuine Cork : 
Here is a pipe, and there 's a knife and fork. 
And now the cabin roofs are smoking too ; 
Come, mingle water with the mountain dew. 



FREE AS EYRE. 



Well done, old Shropshire ! Well done, Market Drayton ! Quite 
right to ring the bells when the sensible Salopian Magistrates apprised 
Mr. Peter Taylor that he might go back to Town and inform Mr. 
Beales (M.A.), Mr. Shammyrumstuff, and their tail, that there was 
no evidence on which Governor Eyre could properly be committed. 
That " individual " as the Star — intending to be awfully severe— calls 
him, has floored the Jamaica Committee as completely as he floored the 
Jamaica Rebellion. English good sense is [seldom appealed to in 
vain. We really cannot murder a man for saving a colony. It may 
be, theoretically, proper to kill him, but the fact .that Jamaica now 
belongs to the Queen of England, and not to the " brown-skinned, 
canting, disreputable agitator," Gordon, is a fact which somewhat 
overrides theories. It is to be lamented that excessive punishment 
was awarded to some of Gordon's dupes ; but, on the other hand, 
English ladies and children were saved from worse than Cawnpore 
atrocities. So that, on the whole, Englishmen are very well satisfied 
that Peter Taylor, Beales (M.A.), and Shammyrumstuff, are out 
in the cold. A word of recognition of Mr. Giffard's masterly demo- 
lition of the case for the prosecution, and as warm a word of recogni- 
tion of Mr. Stephen's most gentlemanly discharge of his professional 
duty. " The matter cannot rest .where it does," remarks the Star; and 
we agree. Some manifestation of English sympathy with a persecuted 
officer must be made. Meantime, why not return Mr. Eyre for 
Middlesex ? 

a curiosity of literature. 
" An Inquiring Tyro " is informed that the judicious Malthus was 
the Author of Ccelebs in Search of a Wije. 



The Milkman's Paradise.— Chalk Farm. 



144 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 6, 1867. 




mm 

wV/ j, - 



STATUESQUE. 



Barbara making a Call on Mrs. Griffin (her old Schoolmistress), imprudently takes her Cousin Tom (Comic Man) with 

HER, AND LEAVES HIM IN THE HALL. DURING THE INTERVIEW, A GREAT SCUFFLING AND GIGGLING IS HEARD OUTSIDE THE PaRLODK 

Door. Mrs. G. angrily rushes to see the Cause Tableau! .' 

As Tom excused himself to Barbara, " The vacant Pedestal was Irresistible." 



STRIKE OE GOVERNESSES. 

One of the reasons, Mr. Mill, why the working classes ought to 
have the elective franchise, is said to be the capacity which they evince 
for organisation. If capacity for organisation is a reason why they 
should vote, incapacity for organisation would he a reason why they 
should not vote. Now that argument knocks female suffrage on the 
head, if women are incapable of organisation. It is to be feared that 
they are. Read this advertisement, Sir, — 

RESIDENT GOVERNESS (Church of England).— About the middle 
of May. — A lady wishes to meet with a GOVERN KSS, of sound Christian views, 
to co-operate with her in training and educating her daughters. She should be fond 
of children, and able to impart a thorough English education, making use of the 
best modern educational works — Morell's Analysis, the higher rules of arithmetic, 
and Latin are essential. The lady should be qualified to prepare her pupils for the 
Cambridge Local Examinations. She must sing and play well, and teach the theory 
as well as the practice of music : drawing from the flat and from models desirable. 
Address, &c. &c. 

The advertiser, you see, says nothing about the remuneration which 
she proposes to give the walking Encyclopaedia whom she wishes to 
hire. But one would not at all wonder if, on inquiry, the sum she 
thinks of naming should turn out not to exceed that which, owing to 
excessive competition in the governess market, is stated in the heading 
of this other advertisement : — 

"FIVE SHILLINGS A WEEK.— Superior FINISHING MORNING 

A GOVERNESS.— A young lady, from Paris, REQUIRES an ENGAGEMENT. 
Subjects— German, Italian, and French (which she speaks fluently), drawing, 
English, music, and singing. Highest references. Address H. H., Post-office, &c. 

Now, if women have any, the least capacity for organisation, there 
ought, assuredly, in these striking times, to be an immediate Strike of 
Governesses. Are they altogether and utterly devoid of that capacity ? 
Unless they are, they will strike directly, and their strike will be one 
which you, and every other Liberal who deserves that name, will 
surely support. It will be a strike objected to only by the Stingy and 



the Shabby, and the Mean, who for the most part are also the Hypo- 
critically Pious, and, in their advertisements for Governesses dirt- 
cheap, usually combine parsimony with sanctimony, and beggarly offers 
with cant. Wanted " is a word commonly prefixed by these hum- 
bugs to their advertisements. It is one which Governesses might 
prefix to an advertisment of their own. Wanted— a Potter. They 
do want a Potter, say a Georgina Potter. Could you help them to 
one in any way ? If you could, you would do women more service 
than you will if you succeed in getting the franchise which you demand 
for them, but which they are, as aforesaid, unfit to have unless the 
Governesses strike. 



COMPETITION AT OXFORD. 



The Morning Post says that a Roman Catholic College and Chapel 
are about to be built at Oxford, on a site in St. Aldate's Street. The 
Post adds : — 

" It is, however, a singular circumstance that the Roman Catholic College and 
Chapel will be almost immediately opposite the lodgings occupied by the celebrated 
Dr. Pusey." 

The Regius Professor of Hebrew will perhaps hang his Elrenikon. 
out of window. If he does, of course his opposite neighbours will, 
exhibit a poster in front of their establishment declaring, " No Con- 
nection with the Heretic over the Way." 



Word Splitting. 

Had Ministers adhered to dual voting, 

We fancy it is every one's belief, 
That dual had been changed to deuil— quoting 

A fast expression— as they 'd " come to grief." 



TnE one thing not wanted in Ireland. — New blood. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holtord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerltenwell, in the Count? of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ot Messrs. Bradbury. Evans. & Co., LomVirJ 
Street, in the Precinct of Wnitefiiars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. bride, City of London.— S»tlrd»i, April 6,1867. 



April 13, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



145 




TAKING A HINT. 

Aunt Flora (concluding the story of the naughty little girl). " AND soaked 

all her nice new sunday clothes from head to foot." (moral.) " but 
Sylvie 's a good little Girl— She never got into her Bath with all 
her Sunday Clothes on." 

Sylvie (thoughtfully). "No — 0, I never did but I will now !" 



A VISIT TO VENICE. 

Have you been to Venice yet ? No ? Then hi ! here, 
Hansom ! Drive to Venice, quick now, eight o'clock 's just 
striking. Not know the way, you blockhead ? Why, I 
fancied every cabman knew the Gallery of Illustration. 
That 's where Venice is this season. Thanks to Messieurs 
German Reed and Telbin, one can get there in a cab any 
evening after dinner, and be cosily at home again in time 
to smoke a couple of cigars ere it be midnight. 

What a charming scene ! What capital costumes, too ! 
Were the Entertainment done on horseback, it could not 
be better mounted. Dialogue dull, eh r" Well, I hate 
heard jokes more 'sparkling. Gems of wit in Venice ought 
to be of the first water. Pruning-knife, my dear boy ? 
Better take a hatchet, and lop off the introduction. Keep 
Faigue, he's rather funny. And don't meddle with the 
Hashesh mixture : music-hall and opera. I got eleven dis- 
tinct laughs from it, and I rarely now get one even by 
going to a theatre, except from The Liar. Mrs. Reed, 
Ma'am, how do you do ? Glad to see you well again. 
You come on in a gondola, why not sing us that old song, 
" Gondolier, row, row," to remind us of the time when there 
was something in burlesques, beside bare legs and nigger 
break-downs. Good evening, Mrs. Roseleaf. What a lively 
Wedding Breakfast ! Where are there ten other finger- 
tips in England, that can ring so good a peal of bells on 
the piano ? 



SETTING BONNETS AT BACHELORS. 



Our elegant contemporary, Le Follet 
amongst the trimmings for bonnets 



enumerates, 
now in vogue, 
" bachelors' buttons." Are these ornaments to be con- 
sidered emblems of conquest achieved, or symbols of 
expected victory? Bachelors' buttons, decorating the 
bonnets of spinsters, may be thought, perhaps, to express, 
in the language of flowers, a desire to get married. 
When the wearers of bachelors' buttons in their bonnets 
shall have obtained the bachelors for whom they advertise 
by the exhibition of those tokens, may those whose buttons 
will have ceased to be bachelors' buttons ever find their 
buttons all right ! 



Town and Country. 

The Emperor having been obliged to drop Luxem- 
burg, will have to content himself, as at present, with 
" Luxeen-ville." 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

In the opinion of Colchester, signified through Lord Hardwicke, 
Monday, April 1, our soldiers ought to have some honest employment 
found for them, to keep them out of mischief. The Commander-in- 
Chief talked of "insuperable" difficulties which our officers are 
trying to conquer. We are aware that British officers are wonderful 
fellows, but either they mean to work miracles, or the Duke does not 
know grammar. 

The Lawyers cannot agree as to the period of Divine service when 
banns should be published. The Attorney-General has thoughts 
of bringing in a Bill to settle it. As this is Lent, when it is not 
considered the thing to marry, be born, or die, there is no hurry ; or 
if there is, Doctors' Commons will serve couples with licences, on 
reasonable terms. 

Mr. Walpole made a most unsatisfactory defence of his conduct 
in reference to the sentence on a person called Toomer, who is con- 
demned to fifteen years' penal servitude for an offence which nobody 
believes that he (though a vicious man) committed. Our Home 
Secretary is a very gentlemanly Home Secretary, but " talent is 
not his forte." 

Touching Reform, Mr. Disraeli, in reply to Mr. Gladstone, 
stated that in Committee the Dual Vote should be struck out, but 
he would say no more, except that in Committee, also, the House 
would find the best solution of other controversies. Lord Cranborne, 
with great good-nature, then demanded of his late colleague, Lord 
Stanley, what were the Features by which Government intended 
to stand or fall ? Lord Stanley quietly responded that the matter 
was one for argument and discussion rather than for question. Which 
may be called an answer, because you may call anything by any name 
you please. 

Luxemburg is a duchy, and it belongs to the King of Holland. 



The Emperor of the French wanted to buy it. The King of 
Holland wanted to sell it. The Luxemburghers did not want to be 
sold. The Prussians did not wish German territory handed to France. 
The Emperor has had to give up his Napoleonic Idea. Another of 
Our Failures, eh ? 

Mr. O'Beirne wished to know why the War Office Clerks cannot 
have their salaries monthly instead of quarterly, as they wish. The 
answer was of course a red tape one— if we do it for one office we must 
do it for all offices. And why not ? Because that would increase the 
duties at the Pay Office. Now is not this bosh enough to make men 
turn radicals, and take down pikes, and skewer their betters generally ? 
It is a most desirable thing to pay monthly, as the wife of every clerk 
would tell the Government. How much difficulty would there be in 
signing twelve cheques instead of four ? Officialism sometimes makes 
reasonable men incline to kick somebody. 

Uncle Sam is buying Russian America. That is, the Government 
of the States has bought it. but the Legislature has to ratify the 
treaty. Having looked at the map, to see where the country is, we 
have no hesitation in saying that Uncle is quite welcome to it, and 
if he would export thither every Irish citizen of the States, he would 
confer a service on mankind, indeed we believe that is the secret object 
of the purchase, though Mr. Seward cannot well say so just yet, as 
the Irishry are politically useful. 

Mr. Disraeli said that the question whether the Easter holiday 
would begin at the usual time, was a question " in the hands of Fate." 
To which Mr. Punch adds, 

" Lanificas Dulli tres exorare puellas contigit," 

not, of course, that it is necessary to say so, but the quotation shows 
the gentleman, and one who has remembered his Martial, and this 
brings us to another Martial subject, namely, Flogging in the Army. 

There was a long and animated debate on Sir John Partington's 
clause for continuing the practice, though the House had condemned 



vol. lii. 



146 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 13, 1867. 



it. But the Horse Guards stuck by the Cat, and another kind of whip 
had been used, so flogging was re-enacted by 175 to 162. Not only 
this, but Sir George Grey managed to interject the suggestion that 
for so bad a crime as mutiny no soldier ought to escape the Cat, and 
the end was that whereas Sir John Pakington had intended to 
exempt nine-tenths of the service from the chance of being flogged, 
that chance is now re-distributed over the whole Army ! There was 
much heat, and much hope that the country would take note of the 
proceeding. Mr. Punch, who never indulges in either heat or hope, 
simply notes that though there is apparent retrogression, the cause of 
sense and humanity has gained, and he applauds Mr. Otway, who has 
managed the Cat-hunt admirably, and who declares that next year he 
will again loose the dogs upon the sanguinary beast. 

A debate on Navy Estimates produced some shameful disclosures, 
but Government got all the boys, men, and money asked for, and 
Mr. Punch went home singing " Fool Britannia." 

Tuesday. LoftD Shaftesbury made some exceedingly sensible 
remarks on the dangerous practice of releasing criminal lunatics. He 
told this little anecdote : — 

" The last time he went over Bethlem he spoke on the subject to the emi- 
nent medical man who presided over that great establishment ; and the answer he 
receivnd was, ' I suppose there are twenty men in this room who have said to me 
at different times — If ever we get out we will take jour life, and no harm will be 
done to us, because having been declared to be lunatics, the utmost penalty we 
could possibly incur would be to be brought back here.' " 

Lord Amberley begins his legislative career by introducing a 
little Bill permitting certain performances called "services" at St. 
Martin's Hall, on Sundays. There are lectures, which are enlivened 
by music, and money is taken at the doors. Singers are paid, and are 
dressed " as they would be at a theatre," says Mr. Kinnaird, who 
does not seem to know much about theatres. As this species of 
Service is at present illegal, Lord Amberley proposes to legalise it. j 
What will Dr. Cumming say to him P 

Mr. Dent (Scarborough) brought under the notice of the House a 
system so abominable that nothiug but the intensest hypocrisy can 
call this a Christian nation, while such a thing exists. It is known as 
the Gang System, and is applied to agricultural labour. A slave- 
driver hires a gang, chiefly of children of both sexes, some as young 
as five, but mostly boys and girls approaching the age of puberty, and 
makes as much as he can by taking these creatures about the country, 
aud letting out their labour to farmers. The cruelty to the children is 
the least frightful part of the system, the demoralisation is too hideous 
to be more than hinted at here. But look to it, gentlemen philanthro- 
pists, if you have sympathies for anybody but niggers. A debate 
followed, in which several speakers at least used earnest words. 
Mr. Walpole wished for more information, which is to be obtained. 
In other language, the disagreeable subject is got rid of for some time. 

Two hours' debate on the questioii whether the State ought not to 
take upon itself the debts of a bankrupt railway, and also acquire the 
railway itself. Mr. Gladstone thought the question "vast," and that 
the House was not in a condition to decide it, and the House agreed 
with him. 

Another effort by the Attorneys to get rid of their Certificate Duty. 
But it brings £90,000 a-year, and is really a fair tax. Punch would 
advise its being doubled, if that would tend to keep needy cads out of 
an honourable profession. 

Wednesday. Actually, our persistent friend, Mr. Darby Griffith, 
tried his hand at a bit of legislation about Voting Papers for Joint 
Stock Companies. Blandly smiling on Mr. Griffith, the House went 
into Committee, and placidly cut out the first clause, which was the 
only one of importance, and the Bill collapsed. But Mr. Ayrton 
fared no better with a Bill about Spiritual Destitution. A Bill for 
improving Irish Sea-fisheries, however, was read a Second Time. Let 
the Irish fishermen get never such hauls, they will not bring up such 
odd fish as the gentlemen who to-day decided that the Waterford 
Election was valid, because there was rioting everywhere, but no 
general riot. 

Thursday. Some time back, Mr. Punch offered the profound advice 
that Spain should be cut in four, and divided among civilised nations. 
It is not impossible that the operation may be performed. There is 
our Tornado quarrel with her, and she has still to account for her 
conduct in that respect. But, last year, she seized another vessel, 
belonging to Gibraltar, and called the Queen Victoria, and this was 
without any sort of justification— the ship was not even in Spanish 
waters. Ever since, the Spanish Government have been simply " hum- 
bugging," and have finished by a proposal which is itself an insult. 
The British Lion is roused. Lord Stanley has sent a peremptory 
demand for restitution, compensation, and apology. If these be 
denied, the Escurial is immediately to be seized, and brought to England 
in several ships. 

We had the Budget. Mr. Disraeli made the shortest speech ever 
heard on such a subject. But he really had only to say that having a 
surplus of £1,206,000, he wished to follow Mr. Gladstone's lead, and 
reduce the National Debt, by means of Life-Annuities. He also 
reduced Marine Assurances to threepence per cent., and kept a trifle 



(a quarter of a million) in hand. The Budget, and the lucidity of the 
Chancellor, Were alike approved. (It was only our fun, Mrs. Grundy, 
when we mentioned a Deficiency, — we wanted to frighten you out of 
talking about Women having Votes, you dear old goose.) 

Friday. Out of about a dozen topics, only two or three demand the 
attention of Mr. Punch. Baron Bramwell was vindicated for having 
increased the sentence on two ruffians who, in the dock, made a 
murderous attack on the officers ; Mr. Lowe was defeated in an 
attempt to prevent the outlay of more money on primary schools, 
Mr. Corry saying that he did not mind violating political economy ; 
and Mr. Armstrong was greeted with roars of laughter for proposing 
an anti-bribery oath. Mr. Punch does not see the run. 

But the great event of the night was a Notice, given on behalf of the 
Liberal party, who had met, in the afternoon, at Mr. Gladstone's. 
To the eloquent and delicate handling of Mr. Coleridge was con- 
signed an Instruction to the Committee on the Reform Bill, to the 
effect that the System of Rating is to be altered, no one to vote who 
pays less than a certain amount, and all who pay more to have an 
equal vote. This was called a Gentle but Firm pressure on the Govern- 
ment. Before these lines are an Instruction to the Universe, some 
shall see. " What shall some see?" "Nay, nothing, Master Moth, 
but what they look upon." 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE FOURTH. 

My first direction for visiting the Egsposissiong will be to visit the 
Prussian Court. In order to do this hire a man with a broom, sweep 
away the accumulated dust of months, and then let him give you his 
hand over the first set of packing-cases marked " Glass with care." 

Arrived on the top of this first Glassier, you will look about you. If 
evening comes on you suddenly, wrap yourself up and he down to 
slumber, like a warrior taking your rest, with your martial cloak 
around you. But to avoid this make the ascent of Mount Packiug- 
caseus early in the morning. Do this, and you will be enchanted with 
the view which presents itself to your eye when the first rays of the 
sun fall upon the pale picturesque bales, the brown sawdust which has 
fallen heavily during the night, and perhaps a large trunk or two lying 
helplessly, crushed by its own weight, which has also fallen heavily 
during the night. When you have reached the summit of the Titanic 
Apollo, which, being about thirty feet from toe to top, is a fine speci- 
men of genuine high art, pause and take some refreshment. 

As at this height there are no refreshments, the best substitute is to 
take breath. You came up here for a blow : it will do you good. 
Talking of blows, take care that the next case above your head loosely 
placed, and containing metal devices and small works in bronze doesn't 
fall upon you. Safely over the next box what a view you obtain of 
the Exposissiong ! Here I sat for I cannot say how long, lost in 
reverie, and utterly unheeding the admonitions of a Surgeon der Veal 
below. 

A Surgeon der Veal is a policeman. Did he think I wanted to steal 
the Titanic Apollo thirty feet high ? 

My dear visitor, if inclined to be dishonest, do not attempt such a 
thing: the French spies are every where : they would be sure to see you. 

The Surgeon der Veal waited for me for some time, but I waved my 
hand to him, and gallantly jumped on to the next box. 

This must be your line of country at present. 

Sursum corda ! I mean lift yourself up by the ropes which you will 
find still fastening the bales together. 

Excelsior ! Excelsior ! This is Latin, and is conversationally trans- 
lated by "twopence more aud up goes the donkey." On your part, 
however, never mind the twopence, lout go up. 

The next packing-case, containing a Titanic Apollo, which, with the 
assistance of another block, containing crockery, completely shuts out 
the Austrian Court, must be carefully ascended. 

Vlar! Voller ! This is French, and spelt voila. Always say it 
sharply and quickly when you want to attract any one's attention. It 
means everything : so does cum sar. So does May wee. Say 'em one 
after the other, aud see what '11 happen. 

I can't send any more today, as in consequence of making a false 
step I performed a rapid act of descent on to the Austrian territory, 
and fell quite unexpectedly into the very midst of the Royal party and 
: the Japanese ambassadors. 

The Royal party, consisting of Lumpyraw and Larmperrytreece, 
started back, exclaiming, "Mong Boo /" which means nothing more 
than "Good gracious!" though literally it is impermissible in English 
society. 

I understood it, however. What the embassy from Japan observed, 
I did not understand. I fell on my knees. I do not mean when I 
j came off the packing-case ; but afterwards, before Lumpyraw. 

As His Majesty wished to see the Egsposissiong, I wouldn't detain 
him, aud he wouldn't detain me. 

In my next I shall take my visitors for a turn round Parry, and then 
, we '11 go into the Egsposissiong again. 



April 13, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



147 




FEMININE INTELLIGENCE. 

N one of its intensely interesting 
articles upon the Fashions, Le 
Fullel naively tells us that — ■ 

" It is Just now rather amusing to 
inspect the novelties of the season." 

Amusing ? we should think so : 
for among the present novelties, we 
are told, is a new necklace called 
a— 

" Collier de chien, made just to fit 
close round the throat, and with long 
ends behind." 

A dog-collar seems rather an odd 
ornament for a lady. A man must 
be a puppy to evince his admira- 
tion for it. If worn at all, we think 
it should be only sported in the 
dog-days. " Sported," by the way, 
is precisely the phrase proper for 
it. Ladies who wear dog-collars 
are doubtless fond of slang, and 
would incline to masculine expres- 
sions when talking of their toilette. 

In the same delightful article the 
writer also naively says that — 

" The Spring bonnets seem to require 
very little material, jis they are smaller 
than those of last year." 

One will soon require a microscope to see a lady's bonnet, " fine by degrees and beautifully 
less," as it is every day becoming. Now that ladies wear their chignons rather larger than 
their heads, one has really to look twice before their bonnets become visible. We often 
wonder that it, has not been the fashion for a lady to wear two bonnets at once, the one upon 
her head and the other on her chignon. 

This at least would be a novelty, and would double the expense, which to many a fine 
lady would be a great attraction. 

SCIENTIFIC WIFE-KILLING. 

The question is sometimes asked, " Can a man murder his wife ? " Though at first blush 
we might be inclined to doubt it, if we founded our conclusion on recent trials, sentences, 
and revisions of sentences, still we believe the feat is not absolutely impossible. As a 
general rule, it may be laid down, that though wife-killing is easy, wife-murder is one of the 
most difficult things a man can set himself to accomplish. Of course, if you are rash and 
hasty, and, in a fit of passion, whip up a knife and cut your wife's throat, you may be hung for 
it, though we need hardly say, that every effort will be used by Jury and Judge to obtain 
remission of the punishment, on the general understanding that the presumption of law in 
all cases of uxoricide is " Sarved her right." But still, a man who kills his wife in this rude 
and unrefined way, may slip his head into a halter. 

This method, however, is uncertain, even if it were not dangerous. You may only wound, 
instead of killing, and if you do kill, there is little or no pleasure in it. This act is too 
soon over, and the suffering too insignificant, to extract any enjoyment out of. How 
much better, if you are bent on effectually severing the nuptial tie, and can make no opening 
for Baron Wilde's intervention, to secure at once your own safety, and get the utmost 
pleasure out of the act, by killing your wife by inches. " Every little makes a mickle;" 
and you may gently urge her on to her death by a series of skilfully applied kicks, or blows, 
or starvings, or shocks of terror, or by an artistic combination of these, none of them in 
themselves leading immediately to death, yet all conducing to it, and leaving you, when the 
consummation is accomplished, safe to get off with a few months', or, at worst, years' 
imprisonment, and, perhaps (if the Judge be a Quixotic person), a reprimand. 

But you must be a bungler if you have to pay even this price for your riddance from a 
domestic nuisance. With a properly regulated mind, and the coolness that is proper to 
conduct the operation, you ought to be able so to measure your acts of brutality and cruelty, 
as to escape with no penalty at all ; probably without even the formality of a trial. It is only 
bunglers who precipitate matters, as by taking jumping exercise over their wives' bodies with 
iron plated boots on, or throwing them out of three-pair-of-stair windows, or other rude and 
summary processes of destruction. You may go considerable lengths even in this direction 
without much risk, but sometimes an eccentric Judge or Jury may be found to take an 
uncharitable view of your conduct. But the safe rule is to administer quiet cruelty in small 
doses, and to keep it up, varying the treatment, if you like, by more energetic exhibitions of 
fist or stick, starvation or exposure, from time to time'; and the great point is to go deliberately 
enough about your work, and to be cool in regulating your treatment. Ne quid nimis should 
be the motto of the uxoricide as of the physician. Besides the safety from consequences 
thus insured, there is the pleasure of watching the progress of the case, and the manly satis- 
faction engendered by the consciousness of your own power, and the hopelessness of your 
victim's resistance. If by any accident, any rashness of your own, or any extravagance of 
the Jury, you should be sentenced on the capital charge, you need not be under any alarm, 
so long as there is a Walpole to counteract their sentimentality, and to give you the benefit 
of those doubts to which every man who kills his wife is entitled ;— first, the doubt whether 
he meant to ; and, secondly, the doubt whether, if he did mean to, he hadn't very sufficient 
provocation. 



ODE TO MRS. GRUNDY. 

Mrs. Grundy, 

On a Sunday 
Joyful music I will hear, 

Gaze on painting 

Soul untainting, 
Nor the sight of sculpture fear ; 

For diversion, 

An excursion 
Make by steamboat or by rail, 

Or, preferring 

Active stirring, 
T;;ke my walk, and glass of ale. 

Mostly clad am 

I, so, Madam 
Your decorum as may shock ; 

In a shooting 

Jacket, suiting 
With the hat named billycock. 

As my raiment 

Little payment 
Costs my dwelling, nowise fine, 

Simply furnished : 

Roof-tree burnished 
Glitters not in house of mine. 

Outward show, Ma'am, 
I forego, Ma'am, 

When it interferes with ease : 
Often eat, Ma'am, 
In the street, Ma'am, 

As I walk, my bread and cheese. 

Grandeur sinking, 

Never thinking 
How your censure I provoke ; 

Oft a cutty 

Pipe, with smutty 
Bowl, along the road I smoke. 

My life's measure 

Is my pleasure, 
Only saving others' due : 

That respecting, 

But directing 
Madam, no regard to you. 

Mrs. Grundy, 

Gloria mundi 
Passes like a dream away. 

You may chatter, 

That 's no matter — 
Ma'am, I care not what you say. 



Our Musical Saint.— Saint- on Dolby. 



BEAUTY WITHOUT PAINT. 

Madame Jezebel offers silly women, who are 
not contented with their natural features, "re- 
cipes for Youth, Beauty, Grace, and Elegance, 
which give golden tresses, sparkling eyes, ruby 
lips, and soft peachlike complexion to ladies 
wrinkled, freckled, scarred, or aged, which have 
gained for her the patronage of the crowned 
heads of Europe and tier world-renowned name." 
These prescriptions for facial paint and plaster, 
Madame Jezebel adds, " can be forwarded on 
the receipt of £1 Is." Her advertisement con- 
cludes with : — " Caution : Beware of spurious 
imitations." Certainly ; but rather beware of 
noxious originals. 



The Next Thing from New York. 

(A Redter's Telegram.) 

TriE House of Representatives has adopted 
resolutions calling on Mr. Seward to demand 
redress of the British Government for the 
American citizens shot by the Irish constabulary 
in putting down the Fenian insurrection. 



148 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 13, 1867. 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. A. 

This is a Case in which Me. Punch refrains from offering his Advice. 

Angelina is the Daughter of a Country Curate, and has fourteen Brothers and Sisters. Edwin is a Landscape 
Painter — a most charming Profession. 

He, it is true, is an Only Son, but this is of small Advantage to him, for he is also an Orphan, his parents 
having died Insolvent a long time ago. He has just taken up Art as a Profession, and by doing so has Quarrelled 
with the only solvent Relative he possesses. 

He is now persuading Angelina to share with him the Honours and Profits of his Glorious Career, proposing 
thky should Marry on the Proceeds of his First Picture, now in Progress, (and which we have faithfully repre- 
sented above). 

The Eeason wni Mr. Punch withholds his Advice, is, that he does not Believe it would be Followed. 



PAL^EONTOLOGICAL PIPES. 

As a young man desirous of improving my mind, Mr. Punch, I have 
studied Geology. The teachings of that interesting science have ele- 
vated me above the popular belief as to the time during which this 
planet has existed. A lady's age is a delicate subject to question, 
especially in the case of Mother Earth. That good lady, my early 
preceptors assured me, is little more than five thousand years old, 
but geologists declare her to have existed for myriads of ages before 
the commencement of that term. They assert also that man was living 
upon his mother's face at a time long previous to the commonly 
received date of his first appearance. I thought myself safely anchored 
in these conclusions. But look here, Sir : — 

" Professor Hall, of the New York Geological Museum, and Edward Maguire, 
of Saratoga Springs, are having a controversy touching the bones lately exhumed 
at Cohoes, N.'Y. Pkofessor Hall thinks they are the remains of a mastodon, which 
had lain iu the earth 25,604 years; while Mk. Maguire asserts that they are the 
bones of a menagerie elephant which died and was buried in Cohoes forty years 
ago." 

The foregoing extract from a newspaper would, if I thought it true, 
seriously snake my faith in the evidence which has been considered to 
establish the high antiquity of the globe and the human race. And 
what am I to think when I see, by the Manchester Guardian, that on 
the North American continent, amongst the remains of extinct organi- 
sations, a gentleman has actually discovered smoking-pipes ; and when 
L read in the Times a letter from Mr. T. England, I.R.S., testifying 
to the fact that, amid similar surroundings, " an unmistakeable smoking- 
pipe " was found some years ago in a cavern at Torquay ? The discovery 



of a pre-historic smoking-pipe along with the remains of the mastodon, 
would, if established, suggest the possibility of finding a pre-historic 
cigar-tube in the same situation, or of finding prehistoric " fusees. " or 
" lucifers," and all manner of other pre-historic objects indistinguishable 
from contemporary. From this idea the reflecting intellect would pass, 
by a natural transition, to the theory that some of the flints in the 
drift were pre-historic gun-flints, and might even be gun-flints that 
were merely pre-percussion cap. 

Do you not think, Sir, that journalists should be careful how they 
publish statements respecting science that are calculated to unsettle 
young men's minds ? 

Wishing I knew whether our leading geologists smoke those pre- 
historic smoking-pipes, or not, I am, Mr. Punch, 

Your ever attentive Student, 

Telemachus. 

P.S. You are my Mentor, you know, Sir. 



Prussian Treatment of Danes. 

Count Bismarck, in the North German Parliament the other day, 
stated that until 1870 any Schleswiger could become a Dane by emi- 
grating to Denmark, but in such case he would have to remain a Dane, 
and should he return, would be treated as such. What did Bismarck 
mean ? That the Dane would be plundered and have his throat cut ? 



Walpole's Wager. — Won by a neck, with a million to one against 
Walpole. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — April 13, 1867. 




EXTREMES MUST MEET ; OR, A BIT OF PRACTICAL SCIENCE. 

Piiof. D-r-i. "BUT YOU SEE, TO COMPLETE THE CIRCLE, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE MUST JOIN HANDS. 



Apbil 13, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



151 



(paries 



iennett. 



APRIL 2, 18(57 



A very able colleague, a very dear friend, has been 
removed, at an early age, from among us. To his genius 
it is not here that tribute should be paid, but it may be 
said that none of our fellow-workers ever entered more 
heartily into his work, or laboured with more earnestness 
to promote our general purpose. His facile execution, and 
singular subtlety of fancy were, we hoped, destined to 
enrich these pages for many a year. It has been willed 
otherwise, and we lament the loss of a comrade of invalu- 
able skill, and the death of one of the kindliest aud gentlest 
of our associates, the power of whose hand was equalled 
by the goodness of his heart. 



Kate Terry, though she cannot, short as her experience of the stage 
has been, reasonably be expected to equal her, she will have achieved 
something over which all the lovers ot the higher dramatic art may 
and will, rejoice. There is room in this field for her and many more. 

That the promise of this interesting young lady's face, voice, and 
name, may be fulfilled to the uttermost, is Mr. Punch's hope and 
prayer. Buffoon as the superficial public may think him, he loves 
and feels high art, and he is not the first low comedian who like Bex 
Jonson's Master Matthew, has kept in his closet " a stool to be melan- 
choly upon." 



SIDDONS TO THE RESCUE. 

A great name is a perilous possession ; and the name of Siddons 
is the most burdensome that a lady-aspirant to stage-honours can have 
to stand up under. 

The young Lady who bears this mighty name in the third genera- 
tion, and who has been acting for a year past in the provinces, has now 
challenged the verdict of London. It is to be regretted that she should 
have done so, from the reading desk in the first instance, instead of 
from the boards. The more genuine her vocation as an actress the 
worse, in all probability, her chances of succeeding as a reader at 
this point of her experience. 

An old actress may have so tamed her histrionic fire, and have so 
learnt the limits which divide elocution from impersonation, that she 
may be able to turn stage experience to account in reading. Mrs. 
Siddons did so in her old age. Her distinguished niece, Mrs. Fanny 
Kemble, has done so in middle life. We have seen a similar power 
more recently manifested by Miss Helen Faucit and Miss Glynn. 

But Mrs. Scott-Siddons is still on the threshold of her womanhood 
and her Art Her instincts and impulses as an actress can, at present, 
only serve to hamper instead of helping her as a reader. 

We are glad to see that she is at once to have the opportunity of 
showing how she can bear the burden of her name, as an actress, and 
we shall watch the event with interest. 

Some good points about her eye and ear give warrant that she 
carries the credentials of her illustrious descent in her face. Take ten 
years from the lineaments of Sir Joshua's Tragic Muse, and 
Mrs. Scott-Siddons might, almost, have sat for those lambent eyes, 
and grandly-chiselled features. 

True, the great grand-daughter is small of stature and slight of 
proportions, while her great ancestress was stately of height and 
largely moulded — a muse in figure as in face. In the descendant, for 
the present at least, we see no possibility of a Constance, or a Lady 
Macbeth ; but by way of compensation, she has all that is needed, in 
voice and person, for a Juliet, Rosalind, or Imogen. The voice is at 
once sweet and sonorous. It has the unmistakable ring of education 
and good-breeding. What powers of humour, pathos, or tragic 
intensity, may lie behind those beautiful features, or find breath through 
this musical organ, London has yet to learn. On these points we 
should not trust any opinion formed on her reading only, for reasons 
already indicated. If there were errors of emphasis enough to indicate 
that the inexperience of twenty had not been corrected by deeper or 
maturer counsel, these would be quite immaterial, if the test of the 
stage reveal the power to conceive and sustain a character as a whole, 
and to interpret it with grace, refinement, and right apprehension of 
its humour or its passion. At present, we have one young actress, 
and one only, who has shown this power in a consummate degree, 
and who only waits the opportunity of a fitting stage to show that the 
loveliest womanly creations of the ideal drama have still among us an 
admirable impersonator, who is fitted for the task, at once by grace of 
person, and refinement of mind and manners, by natural intelligence and 
laboriously acquired mastery of her art. That actress is Miss Kate 
Terry, who is egregiously misjudged as an artist, if tested only by 
even her best performances in realistic drama, and who, in her Ophelia 
and Viola has, as yet, had but infrequent and unfavourable oppor- 
tunities for revealing her noblest and purest metal. If Mrs. Scott- 
Siddons should develope qualities at all approaching those of Miss 



SHALL WE RUB 



OFF THE 



NO POPERY! 
DOOR? 
(See the debates on the Bill to repeal the Ecclesiastical Titles Act.) 

Who fears to speak of fifty-one, 

And anti -Papal panic, 
When John Bull swore no Bull should roar 

Loose here, save Bulls Britannic : 
When Papist mitres he cried down 

As Papist levers' handles ; 
Swearing their wearers to discrown, 

And quench their Roman Candles ? 

When Little John a-tiptoe sprung^ 

And penned " the Durham letter," 
Defiance at Home's lightning flung, 

Her faggot and her fetter, 
Some said that faggot was burnt out, 

That fetter long rust-rotten : 
But there was meaning in that shout, 

Of instincts true begotten. 

When on the letter came the Bill, 

Of penalties and pains, 
For all that Romish titles still 

Dared sport in John's domains : 
When giving rope to Priest and Pope, 

Those who the Bill dared bring out, 
With threats content, to clamour bent 

And coolly took its sting out. 

When Punch showed Act aud Actor up 

And little Johnny chiselled, — 
As boy who chalked " No Popery " 

On Wiseman's door, and mizzled ! 
Siuce then, up-hung, the Act has swung 

The deadest of dead letters : 
But footpads may a warning read 

E'en from a corpse in fetters. 

And, by his hunch, now will not Punch, 

Though the law's dogs be dumb 'uns, 
Eat humble pie, peccam cry, 

At Pope's or Prelate's summons. 
The Act was good, for all no blood 

Its bite has ever followed. 
It spoke a truth, that still is sooth, 

And must by Popes be swallowed. 

That England's Church owns England's law, 

Knows no head but the Queen, 
But from the State draws power and weight, 

And on the State must lean. 
That here Rome's mitres are fools' caps, 

Rome's hierarchy naught : 
And Romish Sees but the mirage 

By thirst of priestcraft wrought. 

As boys they press, who 've made a mess, 

Into the humbling office 
Of wiping clean what fouled has been, 

While loud their comrades' scoff is— 
Some wish Lord John were called upon 

The vain words to out-score, 
And write " By Licence of the Law " 

On the Archbishop's door ! 

But Punch says " No ! " — Be this not so : 

Still let those words remain : 
Rather, that all may read who go, 

Write them up o'er again, 
Dogs, in their sleep, their grinders keep, 

Though the lips are closed o'er 'em : 
And a rod is not less a rod, 

That 's hung up in terror em. 



152 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 



[April 13, 1867. 




THE FORCE OF HABIT. 

Whipper-in. " Master Tom hurt ? Bless you, no, Mum ! The old Mare and him never misses that Brook ! " 



HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{Brining home after the Run — Dressing — Dinner — Prospects.) 

The ladies in the trap are the half-aunt and old Mrs. Symperson. 

Happy Thought.— -Be very attentive to old Mrs. Symperson. _ Give 
her my hand when she gets out. Make her feel she can't do without 
me as a son-in-law. Perhaps, afterwards, I might have to make her 
feel that I can do without her as a mother-in-law. I don't think so, 
though : nice old lady, and a little deaf. 

Driving home I am very bitter against Brett, who could send out 
a horse with the staggers. 

Happy Thought.— The staggers might take something off the expense 
of hiring. 

In the carriage the ladies say he oughtn't to charge me anything : 
I agree with them, but feel that Brett's opinion will be different. 
Not sure, if I was Brett, it' I shouldn't charge more. I shall, I say, 
call and blow Brett up, severely. 

[When I do call, two days afterwards, Brett asks me how I liked 
the mare ? I say, " Well enough, if she hadn't got the staggers." He 
is not surprised, and makes no apology. While receipting my bill, he 
pauses to observe that "If I'd ha' lost that chestnut it would ha' been 
a matter of a hundred pounds out of my pocket," as if it would have 
been a matter of a hundred pounds out of my pocket. 

Happy Thought. — Say, " Would it, indeed," and look at my watch — 
gives a notion of being pressed for time. Won't discuss this question 
of a hundred pounds any further. Go. 

" Will I hunt with the Croxley to-morrow ? " he wants to know. 
" He 's got just the thing to suit me ; I can throw my leg over her and 
try her now." I haven't time : I should like to hunt with the Croxley 
immensely. " Nice fencing country, and a brook or two." Very sorry 
can't— let him know when I '11 hunt again. Good morning, Mr. 
Brett. I'm sure he regrets not having charged me extra for the 
stasrgers.] 

In the Pony Trap, driving home. — The half-aunt expresses her wonder 
that gentlemen can find pleasure in such a dangerous pastime as 
hunting. I smile, as much as to convey the idea, "Yes, you're right, 
but we are such daring dogs." I don't say this, because I think Byng 
knows I didn't go over the first hedge. Mrs. Symperson is of opinion 
that married men oughtn't to risk their lives. I agree. 



Happy Thought.— Always agree with Mrs. Symperson. 

Say pointedly, " When I am married I shall never hunt again, but 
settle down comfortably somewhere." At the present moment I fancy 
that if I ever do hunt again I shall never settle down comfortably any- 
where. Don't say this : feel it. 

Happy Thought. — To say to her mother, that Miss Fridoline seems 
to enjoy being on horseback. Praise her appearance. 

Say she is very like her Mamma. [Byng tells me afterwards that 
this sounded fulsome. Must take care not to be fulsome.] Mrs. 
Symperson says, " she was very fond of riding when she was young." 
I reply, " that I should think so." By the way, I shouldn't think so 
if she wasn't Fridoline's Mamma. She is pleased. 

Byng, flicking the pony, asks me if I feel pretty fresh. Before the 
half-aunt and Mrs. Symperson I can't say more than that I am pretty 
fresh, considering I haven't ridden for years. 

"Stiff?" asks Byng. I am surprised at Byng; but nod expres- 
sively. " Loins P" continues Byng. I am astonished at Byng: 
before Mrs. Symperson too ! I reply " No," as if I hadn't any loins. 

[Note for Reticence of Politeness. Typical Developments, Vol. XX. 
Book 51, Par. m.] z. 

Driving up to the house. Butler, servants, whole-uncle and Mr. 
Symperson out to meet us. 

Happy Thought.— Subject for picture, Return from the Chace. Wave 
my hand to them, as if 1 'd just come up triumphantly, after flying over 
five-barred gates and stiff fences. Wish I knew if Byng had or had 
not seen me iu the first field. Painful, getting out of the trap. Quite 
forgot to give my arm to Mks. Symperson. The whole-uncle asks if 
we've had good sport? I answer, deprecatingly, "pretty well," to 
give the old coward who's been in his arm- chair all day an idea that 
it 's not the sort of sport I've been accustomed to ; as, indeed, it is 
not. 

Mrs. Symperson notices that I walk lame. Prom a fall? She is 
anxious. I say, " No, not from a fall." Fridoline, who has entered 
the hall, expresses her anxiety too. I almost wish it had been a fall. 
If I say " stiffness" it will flatten the excitement. 

Happy Thought.— To say " Oh no, nothing at all," and smile. They'll 
think 1 've been over a precipice, and am bearing it heroically. 

In my room. — Warm bath, at Byng's suggestion, before dinner. 
Looking in the glass ; I am an object. 5 Collar nowhere. Tie anywhere 
and anyhow. 



April 13, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



153 



Happy Thought— Sunt, next time I ride ; with a pin in it. 

My face is such a curious colour, a muddy yellow. Wish I 'd come 
up to my room at once, instead of stopping hi the hall. How different 
to when I started. Meditate on this, Wore the glass ; " So in life, wc 
set out gaily and briskly (as I did on the chestnut), we go on— we go 
on — odd : — lost the simile." The footman comes in with hot water. 
He is familiar in consequence of that dressing up as a German friend 
the other day. He says, " I suppose you ain't much accustomed to 
riding a-horseback, Sir." I should lite to put him on a wild Arab in 
a desert : hate familiarity. Tell him to call me in time for dressing. 
He is now going to sound the first gong. That 's an hour before dinner. 

Happy Thought.— Cup of tea. Toast? suggested by footman. Amend- 
ment adopted. 

How delicious (in bath) is this dreaminess. All dangers of the day 
past and gone. 1 feel, triumphantly, that I have seen a hare killed. 
I should like to hunt every day. At least, I should like to enjoy a 
bath, tea and toast like this every day. 

Happy Thought. — When I go up to town again practise leaping in 
hunting grounds, so much a lesson. Don't believe Dick Turpin, on 
Black Bess, ever cleared a turnpike gate. 

Happy Thought. — I could clear a turnpike gate— with a ticket. Wish 
I 'd said this in conversation : brilliant : needn't have said anything 
else for a whole evening Note it down when I'm out of my bath. 
Read a book recommended by Fridoline, with her mrae in it. Novel: 
Saint Alice. Good. Read Frldoline's name again. Drowsy. If I 
don't take care I shall be asleep. * * * 

Happy Thought. — Dressing gown : arm-chair. Plenty of time before 
dinner — delicious drowsiness. * * * Footman enters : I have been 
asleep. Referring to my watch, same time as when I was in my bath : 
stopped. They 've begun dinner. 

Happy Thought— Say, " I '11 be down directly." 



EXCURSIONISTS IN DANGER. 




he comfort of the community 
on Sunday is threatened by 
two Liquor Bills, about to be 
smuggled, if possible, through 
Parliament. One of them is 
in the charge of Mr. Gbaves, 
and the other in that of Mr. 
J. A. Smith, Mr. Bazley, and 
Me. Baines. Into the pro- 
visions of these measures, re- 
spectively, it is unnecessary to 
go, further than to say that 
both the one and the other 
are designed to deprive excur- 
sionists on Sunday of all pro- 
vision, food as well as drink. 
Mr. Roebuck, doubtless, is 
aware of the attempts on the 
liberty of the subject and the 
enjoyments of the people, 
which the Sabbatarians and 
teetotallers are making in the 
House of Commons, and will 
take care not to be out of his 
place at the proper time for 
frustrating their insidious 
machinations. 



DIAMONDS OF DEBATE. 

In studying, with microscopic eye, the debates in Parliament, Mr. 
Punch occasionally lights upon gems, or rather sparks, which, though 
they are not of sufficiently pure water to be set in his magnificent 
Essence, may be just worth picking out. Therefore, he arranges a 
tew, of recent discovery, and renders them priceless by the addition of 
a little gold of his own :— 

WHO WAS THE BOOBY? 

Said Mr. Disraeli, in his Budget Speech,— 

v." £ a T m r 1 _ es I? onsibl ° Ior a v eiy familiar expression with regard to the public debt, 
which I shall nut repeat to this committee. I did say to a great booby on the 
hustings of my country— quoting the amount of tho public debt as a reason why 
this country could not discharge its duties to itself and defend its independence— 
t bat the public debt might be compared to the incision of a most troublesome, 
although not one of the most unpopular insects." 

The word was "flea-bite." But who was the Great Booby? The 
nation demands the name. 

VERY PROPER FEELING. 

Said Sir Stafford Northcote, on a Gas Bill,— 

" He should be inclined to withdraw the present Bill if satisfactory to the gas 



British Jurors for the Paris Exhibition. 

The jurymen who recommended Mr. Wager and Mr. Longiiuest 
to mercy should be sent to figure in the British department of the 
Great Exhibition at Paris. Then they might be compared, by students 
of character, with the French jurors who find murders such as those 
which were committed by the aboveuamed criminals to have been 
accompanied by extenuating circumstances. 



companies, and to introduce another, leaving in blank all the figures as to price, the 
rate of dividend, and tho standard of gas." 

He was quite right in saying that he would withdraw any Bill that was 

satisfactory to the Gas Companies, because any such Bill must be emi- 

I nently unsatisfactory to a victimised public. As for the blanks, Mr. 

i Punch proposes to fill them up in a way which will put down a good 

, deal of dishonesty. 

CHILDREN, PLEASE ATTEND. 

Said Mr. Gladstone, on the Budget, — 

" Duties aro not to be considered as what they are in themselves, but as regards , 
what they aro as outworks and defences of the groat branches of the revenue. ' 
(Hear, hear.) Now, what would be the effect of abolishing the duty on Comfits? , 
Why, there would be an enormous increase in the importation, and we should 
doubtless be ultimately able to put them in our tea, and use them with as much 
satisfaction as we now do that article called sugar. (Hear, hear, and laughter.) In ' 
I fact, Comfits would become little less than sugar under another name." 

There, dears, and Mr. Punch's darlings. Get your beloved parents 
to explain this to you, and tell you that in buying goody-goodies you 
I keep the Crown on your kind Queen's head, help to pay for all the j 
pretty soldiers, and for the beautiful ships which you see in Portsmouth 
i harbour, when you are taken to the Isle of Wight. And theu, Punch 
thinks, you may ask to have your pocket-money increased from three- 
pence to fourpence a week, and your parents do not love their country 
if they refuse you this. 

VERY UNFAIR. 

Said Mr. Pollard-TJrquhart, on Taxation, — 

" When he remembered the sentiments which the right hou uraulo gentleman, ; 
the Chancellor of the Exchequer, had in younger days expressed in Sybil he 
was much surprised that he had not done more to relieve tho poorer classes from 
certain taxes under which they especially suffered." 

"Must one swear to the truth of a song?" asked the late Mr. M. 
Prior. Is a novelist, when he becomes a Minister (and any good 
novelist ought to be offered office), to be bound by all the pretty theories 
he may have woven around his groups of lovers ? Is Lord Lytto.v 
to stand by Eugene Aram's views touching the taking of property from 
the unworthy, and killing them if they do not like that redistribution ? 
Is Lord Brougham, as a Statesman, accountable for the sentiments 

in a remarkable fiction which was suppressed? Is but the inter- 

1 rogatories would stretch out to the crack of doom. Echo gives a 
1 comprehensive answer hi the negative, and adds that Mr. Urquhart 
; had better shut up. 

MISERIUMUS. 

Said Mr. H. B. Sheridan, on the Marine Insurance,— 

" That if there wa > any one in that House deserving of commiseration it was 
himself. (A laugh.) His expectations had been excited, perhaps unwarrantably, 
with respect to the reduction of the duty on fire insurance. (Hear, /tear.)" 

Mr. Sheridan deserves something better than commiseration. He 
deserves praise and honour, and he shall have them, too. He perse- 
veres, very creditably, in his attempts to demolish a noxious tax, and 
one of these days he will succeed. Meantime, let him rejoice, for the 
Eye is upon him, and winks affably. 

IGNORANCE NOT BLISS. 

Said Colonel Phench, on Burlington House, — 

" May I ask the noble Lord what he means by Italian Gothic? (Laughter.) 
"Lord J. Manners. The h mourable and gallant gentleman had better consult 
the honourable gentleman (Mr. Lavard) who sits next to him. (LauglUer.)" 

Though a Colonel of MilMa, Mr. French has known things. He 
obtained " several science premiums in college." Either Architecture 
was not one of his pursuits, or he has forgotten what he learned. We 
hope Mr. Layard (no one could do it better) explained to the future 
Lord de Freyne that Italian Gothic means the Gothic that was 
erected in Italy. Italy is in the South of Europe. 

a member for corruption. 

Said Mr. Scourfield, on Bribery,— 

" It would be better to group all the corrupt boroughs— {laughter) — and let them 
return one member between them— (laughter) — if they could find a man bold enough 
to accept their representation. (Laughter.)" 

These " laughs," on a subject which some folks think a grave one, 
indicate that certain Members of Parliament have no more learned to 
consider bribery a crime than a jockey considers it one to run as 
" ordered," or than a cabman thinks it one to overcharge a lady. And 
as to " bold enough," let the grouping be made, and Mr. Punch will 
pay all the bribes, if it be proved that there is any difficulty in getting 
a candidate who moves in the best society. ■ 



154 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 13, 1867. 




Cook (in a fluster). "0 



THE SAUSAGE MACHINE. 

f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o' them Sassengees wasn't to-eights, 
now ketched Mister Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine ! " 



'm, which I 've jest 



THE PARKS AND THE POLICE. 

One good, at least, has come of the Reform Demonstrations. The 
parks have been delivered to the charge of the police, and this, 
perhaps, would not have happened for a century or so, if it had not 
been for the Hyde Park Demonstration. In future, let us hope, it 
will be possible to cross that Park, even after nightfall, without having 
one's pocket picked, or being otherwise maltreated. And, ere long, 
we may arrive at such a height of civilisation as to be able to take 
exercise, even on a Sunday, in St. James's Park, without being 
hustled by the roughs from St. Giles's. 

We presume that the number of police has been increased, now that 
the Parks have been put under their protection. Now that highway 
robberies are done by broadest daylight in the most frequented streets, 
we have certainly no wish to see policemen added to our parks but 
subtracted from our pavements. Brigandage near Rome is becoming 
bad enough, but really it is hardly worse than the brigandage in 
London. Here the plan is for a gang of highway robbers to surround 
you on a sudden and empty all your pockets, and then stamp upon your 
toes to prevent your running after them. Two friends of Mr. Punch 
have been thus robbed in the last month, within a mile of Charing 
Cross, and in broad open daylight. As a pedestrian himself, Mr. Punch 
desires to find the pavements well protected, not less than the Parks ; 
and, if the Porce requires an increase, Mr. Punch cannot see Y an 
X or other letter of the alphabet should not forthwith be added 
to it. 



Beales the Buster. 



Poor Mr. Beales (MA.) is in a fearful passion because he and the 
rest of the Jamaica Committee have been laid on their backs. He 
lias proclaimed that Mr. Eyre should be punished, if the whole Reform 
League had to become the prosecutors. The connection between Mr. 
Eyre and Reform may be as difficult to discover as the connection 
between Mr. Beales and good sense. We think, even more highly 
than we ever thought, of Lord Chief Justice Cockborn. 



LA CLEMENZA. DI PIO. 

In a letter of recent news from Rome, it is stated that — 

" Cardinal Antonelli has received the thanks of the British Government for 
having allowed the Scotch Presbyterian congregations to continue in the enjoyment 
of their own forms of worship outside, though not inside, the walls of Rome." 

The dull British Public, of course, will be of opinion that the 
British Government went very far out of its way to thank Cardinal 
Antonelli for the smallest of mercies. It will wonder how much the 
Pope would thank the British Government, if the British Government 
were absolute, for permitting Dr. Manning to officiate without the 
bounds of London and Westminster, but not allowing him to celebrate 
Mass at St. Mary's, Moorfields, or anywhere else within them. 

Dull, stupid, ignorant British Public, it doesn't understand, and 
cannot see, that the British Government well knows that Popery is, in 
fact, the truth, that Protestantism is humbug, and that Protestants, all 
of them who are not mere impostors, are fanatical blockheads, whose 
worship is a farce, who have really no business, and no right to be 
suffered to preach or perform divine service at all, and, in pretending 
to exercise their sham religion at Rome, commit a gross impertinence. 
It is fun to think how amazed and enraged the purblind British Pro- 
testant Public would be if they knew the blessed change which 
Ritualism is working amongst the superior classes ! 



Wager, Walpole and Toomer. 

WANTED- Some other HOME SECRETARY than Mr. Walpole. 
Is the man whose intelligence and ideas of justice are on a par with those of 
the Judge and Jury who recommended Waokr to mercy, of the jury by whom 
Toomeu was convicted of a crime which he didn't commit, and of the Judsre who 
sentenced him to fifteen years' penal servitude, fit to remain one of her Majesty's 
advisers ? 

ALL PLAY AND NO WORK. 

What wonder the French " Exposition de V Industrie " is so behind- 
hand, when its Conductor is Monsieur le Play ? 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Hollord Bquare, in the Parish of 8t. James, Clerkeuwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans A Co. Lombard 
Street, in the Trecinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— SiTuaDAi, April 13, 1867. 



April 20, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



155 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

Judicious speeches by Peers, on Monday, April S, touching the 
Spanish questions. No reason to believe Spain really hostile to 
England, dubious circumstances in the Tornado case, very proper 
dispatches by Lord Stanley, hope that things would look less serious 
after Easter— all highly proper and diplomatic, meantime ships go from 
Malta to Gibraltar. The Spaniards had better keep to the savage 
sports of their arena, they are safer than John Bullfighting. 

Very premature question by Mr. Goldsmid. Wanted to know 
when the St. Pad's Monument to the Duke of Wellington, for 
which we voted in 1858 £20,000, would be ready. Why, it is not quite 
seventeen years since the Duke died. Lord John Manners said that 
in about two years we should see it. We shan't. 

Lord Stanley very neat. Asked by Mr. Darby Griffith 
whether the ships had left for the Spanish coast, answered that 
Gibraltar was within the ordinary cruising ground of the fleet, and 
that there was nothing unusual in a ship or two leaving Malta for an 
excursion. High comedy, exiled from the theatres, takes refuge at 
Westminster. 

But we have had still higher comedy, with a fine intrigue, and some 
striking situations, leading up to a climax. Mr. Punch duly recorded 
that a Notice on the Reform question had been given by the Liberals. 
This was for an Instruction to the Committee, and was designed 
materially to alter the Bill. Mr. Coleridge was to move it, in his 
most elegant manner, on the Monday in last week. But, before 
evening, about half a hundred Liberals met in the Tea Room, and 
decided that they should be Spoons if they stirred in the matter. The 
proposal of Mr. Gladstone would appear to the country as restrictive 
of the Suffrage which the Government Bill offered. The announce- 
ment of their discontent was made to Mr. Gladstone, and at the last 
moment it was decided that all definiteness should be struck out of 
the Instruction. So there was a pleasing little scene in the House, 
Mr. Locke asking Mr. Disraeli whether he would assent to the 
motion if cat down to its first line, and Mr. Disraeli gravely asking 
whether Mr. Locke had any authority to make the suggestion. On 
Mr. Locke's saying that he had authority, Mr. Disraeli, with 
lengthened sweetness long drawn out— at least not exactly sweetness, 
but suavity, and after reading out, deliberately, every word of the 
doomed notice, so that, as he said, no mistake might be made, 
graciously assented to the proposal, which simply affirmed what the 
Government, and also Lord Grosvenor took to be undeniable, 
namely, that the Committee had power to alter the law of Rating. 

To-night the Liberal party came to grief, and some smart speaking by 
Mr. Osborne and Mr. Lowe (who pitched heavily into Sir Stafford 
Northcote for changing his views and simultaneously rising in office), 
was scarcely a consolation. 

But Mr. Gladstone rose, acerct iracundus, and gave another notice, 
which, of course, was divided into three parts. It will be understood 
from what Mr. Disraeli said of it in a circular to his supporters. It 
was Mr. Coleridge's Instruction in a new form, and if any of the 
points were carried, the Government would throw up the Bill. 

These points were — 

(1) To reduce the term of occupancy from two years to one year. 

(2) To let occupiers under £10 have votes in respect of any tene- 

ments, and not limit the franchise to dwelling-houses. 

(3) To give a £5 franchise, instead of one based on personal pay- 

ment of rates. 

Then did the Reform Bill go into Committee— a fact to be noted in 
the history of progress. 
Then we at once shut up Reform until the Thursday. 

Tuesday. The venerable and virtuous Lord Westmeath got upon 
Ritualism, and maundered into a scold at the Bishop of Oxford for 
haying consecrated a church bell. The Duke of Marlborough ex- 
plained that the Bishop of Oxford had done nothing of the kind, but 
on the contrary, had on the occasion in question censured the Church 
of Rome for baptising bells. This drew a letter from the ever-ready 
Sir George Bowyer, stating that Rome does not baptise bells, but 
only expresses a hope that they may ring the faithful to advantageous 
devotions. He added, that many bells had names, but, this fact had 
nothing to do with religion. He might have mentioned Tom of Oxford, 
Ben of West minster, and Punch of St. Bride's. 

Sir Morton Peto desired a Select Committee for the purpose of 
examining into the entire history of the London, Chatham, and Dover 
Hallway, and the conduct of its managers. Both Mr. Disraeli and 
MR. Gladstone informed him that the House had other business 
beside the whitewashing railway people. Then, nervous Mr. What- 
Tu AN 'u W k° had given a notice implying charges against two other 
Members, whs vehemently assailed by them, and showed, rather pain- 
Billy, that he had either no case, or (as Mr. Esmonde classically 
remarked about the Waterford business) "funked the fight." Si;k- 
jkant Gasbleb thought that Mr. Whatman should withdraw his 
Wiarges " almost on his knees," but we presume that anatomical obsta- 
cles prevented this feat. 

\oi>. lii. ,, 



Next, the Duke of Somerset had to be cleared of imputations 
touching the rotnes election. Sir Rqundeli Palmbb did the work 
skilfully, but, Mr Punch's view of the Duke's ideas is that they 
resemble some which Maiume Vestris, as a lady's maid, attributed 
to her mistress, in one of the delightful Olympic farces. " To have 
her own way in everything is one of the few things about which 
Madame is very particular." 

Abolition of anti-Catholic oaths by office-holders, very good speaking 
by the two leaders, and a Protestant victory (gained 'by 3 in a Com- 
mittee of 283), by which it is still forbidden to the Lord-Lieutenant 
of Ireland to be a Catholic, though his master, the Home Secretary, 
may be one. Mr. Whalley was frantic over some rebel oaths which 
pledged the Catholic takers to the extremely disagreeable process of 

wading to the knee in the red gore of Saxon tyrants," but if the 
Committee heard him— at all events no notice was taken of his antics. 

Wednesday. The Oxford and Cambridge Test Race was rowed, and 
was a dead heat. But umpire Gladstone is dissatisfied, and it will 
have to be rowed over again. In other words, the Test abolition which 
was to be confined to Oxford, was ou the motion of Professor 
Iawcett, extended to Cambridge also, by 263 to 16G, but Mr Glad- 
stone means to modify matters in Committee. 

Thursday. We lend Canada money for railway purposes, and Lord 
Kusskll managed to hitch in a bellicose word. We ought, certainly 
to deiend Canada against the United States, if necessary, and the 
States ought to feel that in attacking her they attacked the whole 
power of England. Mr. Punch had not heard from America anything 
which called for this fire. 

A speech from Lord Shaftesbury, giving such insight into the 
accursed system of Agricultural Gangs as ought to make Pharisees 
blush with shame, and Christians with indignation. 

Then was resumed the Reform Battle, and the Choosers of the Slain 
waved their dusky wings, and shrieked with cruel joy. 

It was an awfully stupid night, though. There was an attempt to 
postpone the business till after Easter, in the hope of a compromise, 
but Mr. Bright asked who was going to stop in town and cook such a 
thing P If. was decided to go on. Mr. Darby Griffith once more 
thrust himself in the way, but was promptly shoved out of it, and 

Clauses 1 and 2 were agreed to. 

On clause 3, Mr. Gladstone, in a long speech, moved his first 
amendment, and was answered by the Solicitor-General. Sir 
William Heath cote, Conservative, went dead against Govern- 
ment, and so did Lord Cranbokne, late Conservative Minister. Mr. 
Henley spoke well, against the amendment, denounced the Small 
lenements Act as a Device of Old Nick to make poor people pay who 
couldn t, and predicted gloomy things. The debate was adjourned, 
whereas to-night the House should have risen for Easter. 

Friday. But it was not stupid to-night, for we had all sorts of 
personalities, a smart debate, a tremendous whip, and a great division. 
_ Firstly, to calm the mind of the legislators, and to put them into a 
fitting state to consider and decide upon a great constitutional question, 
we had a row, originated by Mr. Osborne, over a document supposed 
to have been shown for the purpose of getting some voles for Govern- 
ment. It purported to intimate that the Premier and Mr. Disraeli 
approved a device of Mr. Hibbert's, about Compound Householders. 
When the Committee had been thoroughly excited, Lord Stanley, in a 
manly fashion, repudiated the alleged pledge, and said the Government 
desired to be judged only on the merits of the question. 

Then we got on Reform. 

Mr. Roebuck fought for the Bill, and hit some Opposition men 
very hard. 

Mr. Beresford Hope opposed it, and gave Mr. Disraeli much 
sauce. Mr. Hope talked of the Asian Mystery. But Mr. Disraeli 
is a dangerous person to gird at, and in return he complimented Mr. 
Hope on his Exhibitions, adding sweetly that their Batavian grace 
took away their sting. The Hopes are of Dutch descent. 

Nine men followed. " Lethe is a brave river." 

Mr. Horsman said that but for party, five-sixths of the House, 
including the Ministry, would support Mr. Gladstone. 

Mr. Hardy defended the Bill, boldly and ably. 

Mb. Bright attacked it, and said that three-fourths of the Liberals 
were opposed to household suffrage, lie complimented Lord Cran- 
borne in a most elegant manner. 

The Chancellor of the Exchequer took all their weapons in 
his target, and made a good fight, occasionally cut ting down a deserter, 
to encourage the others. 

Mr. Gladstone gracefully alleged that there was no animosity 
between himself and his able rival, though they had fought sharply, 
and would probably do so again. He then defended his amendment. 

At half-past one the Division came, and Government was victorious. 
Mr. Gladstone was defeated by 310 to 288— majority 22, and the 
shouting of the Ministerialists woke the swans that were sleeping upon 
the river to be ready to sec Oxford beat Cambridge six hours later by 
a quarter of a length. 

Both Houses rose for the holidays, the Commons until the 29th of 
April, the Lords till the 2ml of May. "For this relief, much thanks." 



156 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[ArRiL 20, 1867. 




Juvenis. " Jolly Day we had Last Week at McFoggarty's "Wedding ! Capital 
Champagne he gave us, and we did it Justice, I can tell you " 

Scncx (who prefers whiskey). " Eh— h, Mun, it's a' vera weel Weddins at ye-er Time 
o' Life. Gie me a gude solid Funeral !" 



A LITTLE FRIENDLY ADVICE TO MR. QUARTERMAINE. 

Dear Mr. Quartermaine, 

As the Whitebait season is commencing, and I have already dined once at the " Ship," 
and may have to dine there many times between this and August, I think I may be 
consulting our. mutual comfort and advantage in giving you the advice contained in this 
letter. 

I don't mean to say that you want it more than other Greenwich purveyors, but as it is 
suggested by Ship experience, I address it to the master of the Skip. 

I suppose it is useless to urge upon you the reform of your wine-carle ? 1 am not master 
enough of the mysteries of Greenwich hotel-keeping, to say how far it may be absolutely neces- 
sary to your paying your way to exclude from your wine-list anything under six shillings a 
bottle. Nor do I mean to throw any doubt on the exactness of your cellar-nomenclature ; though 
I must own, as a man of moderate means, that I should be quite willing to put up with less high- 
sounding names for your Clarets, Burgundies, and Rhine wines, if you could give me an article at 
a price somewhat nearer that at which I can supply my own friends with sound, light dinner- 
wines. I can't afford, myself, to wash down my meals with La-Fitte, or Chateau-Margaux, 
Nuits, or Chambertin premier cru, Liebfraumilch of the vintage of '57, or Steinberger Cabinet 
(blue seal), at fifty-two shillings a bottle. 1 don't know many people who can. But when you 
do force me into such extravagance, I experience considerable surprise and some comfort at 
finding how very little difference there is between these high-named and high-priced beverages 
and the honest ordinary Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Rhenish, which I am content to drink 
myself, and not ashamed to give my guests. As I can lay in these wines at from twenty-four 
to thirty-six shillings a dozen, I hardly think the names worth the difference between that price 
and what I am called upon to pay at the " Ship." 

Leaving out the sound, wholesome, and agreeable Hungarian, Greek, and Italian wines, which 
have at last found their way to our market, and to our private cellars though not to yours, may 
I ask if it is absolutely impossible to supply a wholesome vin-ordinaire of the received growths 
of France, Spain, and Germany, say at three or four shillings a bottle, and yet leave yourself a 
living profit ? 

I can't help thinking you might manage it, if you tried ; or, at least, that you might come 
nearer it than you do. 

And do you really think ten shillings a fair price for a claret-cup, containing a bottle of 
ordinary Bordeaux, and the requisite condiments for a jug of "Badminton" ? 

I must say that your wine-list requires reforming grievously. I will not insinuate that, as it 
stands, it is a mockery, a delusion, and a snare. But I say that it fails, by a grave over- 
sight, to provide for quenching the thirst of men with fortunes under £4,000 a year. I have 
calculated, and 1 conclude that your wine cannot be drunk, with an easy conscience, at a 
less figure. 

But let me pass over the wine-list, and allow you the benefit of the excuses which I can 
imagine for such titles and such prices — as for instance the general tendency of the unen- 
lightened John Bull to believe in things with big names and long figures ; the shortness of 
the season; the necessity of getting your cent, per cent, somewhere; the impossibility of 



charging as monstrously for eating, as long 
impunity and the sheep-like submissiveness 
of the British public, enable you to charge 
for drinking. I will even give you the 
benefit of the plea, that if men will go 
dining at Greenwich and leaving their wives 
and families, they ought to be made to pay 
for it ; and that you are thus a humble 
instrument for mulcting extravagance and 
making selfish indulgence penal. 

But, waiving all objection for the moment 
to either the prices or qualities of the eatables 
and drinkables you set before me, I would ask 
you if it is not possible to serve up your din- 
ners, such as they are, a little more rationally ? 
Are you quite above borrowing a lesson from 
France ? 

Why are your waiters allowed, or instructed 
rather, to put all the dishes of each course of 
fish on the table at once, there to cool them- 
selves, crowd the table, and nauseate the 
diners, instead of handing round a number 
proportioned to the party of each plat in 
succession? This is done at every French 
lable d'hote, and the practice is as simple as it 
is natural. In this way every guest has his 
option of tasting, or passing by, everything. 
Everything is handed round hot. No igno- 
ramus is allowed to violate the proper order 
of succession, which should be as absolute in 
fishes, as in wines, or any other element of a 
dinner. 

I protest that the last time I dined at the 
" Ship " the comfort of the dinner was utterly 
ruined by the want of organisation in the 
ordering, and handing round of the dishes. 
The table was covered with a dozen dishes at 
once; no one knew which to take first; 
and everybody was at last reduced, in despera- 
tion, to help himself to what he could get, 
not what he liked or wanted. 

I say nothing of your cuisine itself. But 
taking your dinners exactly as they are, I 
want to know why you don't give them the 
benefit of a rational well-organised, and 
orderly serving up ? 

Please weigh these hints, which are as 
well meant as the need of them is sorely 
felt. 

You may tell me that the arrangements of 
the " Ship " are as good as those of any of 
its neighbours. We have said as much. 
That is my very reason for believing that 
you would find your account in making them 
better ; in encouraging visitors of a more 
rational, moderate, and r 'trular order than the 
young swells, who pay a bill with a bill— and 
never question an item or grumble at a 
stupidity, so the champagne is cool, the 
pink bonnets pretty, and the laugh and 
joke loud and free enough. 

If you will believe Mr. Punch, this class 
does not exhaust the possible patrons of 
Greenwich dinners. Rational men would be 
glad to dine there under rational conditions, 
some suggestions towards which are supplied 
in this letter from 

Yours very truly, 

Mr. Punch. 



By Order. 

In Paris they have a phrase for things 
which are not necessaries — things which 
people need not have, and sometimes would 
be better without : they call them articles de 
luxe. Henceforth the expression is to be 
changed to articles de Luxemburg. 



not a great disappointment. 

It is now doubtful whether the French 
Emperor will make the contribution to the 
Paris Exhibition that was expected from 
him— a piece of Holland. 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. 5. 

Caul August Schlummerkopf and Gretschen Josephine Herzlieb have plighted Troth, and announced TnE Fact, by means 
of Printed Cards, to all their Friends. Behold a Scene of Never-by-Sordid-Worldly-Interests-to-be-Disturbed-or-ever-in 
After-Life-to-be-Forgotten Bliss ! The Rhine is flowing calmly by to the German Ocean. Johann-Atolf (Gretschen's 
Brother, and Carl's Bosom Friend) is singing a Volks-lied to a sweet Accompaniment. Carl's Mother is lifting up her 
Voice in Harmony, as she Sits and Knits peacefully. All around are Friends— happy Friends ! 

They will come and Sit like this every fine Evening for the next Ten Years— in fact, till Carl is in a Position to 
Marry ; and then he will Marry somebody else. 

v The faithful JonANN-A-roLF has not yet Troth-Plighted : Music, Poetry, Philosophy, and Friendship have hitherto 

SUFI ICED TO FILL HIS HEART ; BUT SHOULD ANY FAIR ENGLISH MaIOEN, TEMPTED BY THE HAPPINESS WE HAVE ESSAYED TO DEPICT, 
WISH TO MAKE HIS ACQUAINTANCE, WITn A VlEW TO MUTUAL INTERCHANGE OF VOWS, Mr. PUNCH WILL BE MOST HAPPY TO MANAGE 

an Introduction.) 



A DIRT-PIE IN PREPARATION. 

Mr. Punch, 

You know there is a talk about repealing the Ecclesiastical 
Titles Act. The subject is under the consideration of Parliament. No 
doubt the idea has been suggested by humble gratitude to the Pope 
for the immense liberality which his Holiness exhibits at Rome, in 
permitting the extramural celebration of Protestant worship. 

True, the Ecclesiastical Titles Act is a mere protest, backed by a 
nominal penalty. Still, it is a protest against the papal supremacy in 
Her Majesty's dominions, and therefore a gross and fanatical imper- 
tinence. 

The Roman Catholic Bishops don't seem to care much about that 
Act. " It pleases them," they think, " and doesn't hurt us." They 
say this is not yet quite the time for its repeal. Here they are wrong, 
Mr. Punch. British Protestantism is just now taking a nap. There 
is no knowing how long this slumber may last. No time like the present. 

The British Public at this moment imagines the Pope to be what 
the frequenters of the British Public-house and Skittle-alley call a 
"down pin." They suppose that his temporal power is at an end. 
But of course, if Italy were to quarrel with France, his Holiness would 
probably be reinstated in all his possessions, and perhaps become, as 
a political factor stronger than ever he was before. Then British Pro- 
testantism would awake again, and any proposal to repeal the Eccle- 
siastical Titles Act would only create another awful row. 

Protestantism, by-and-by, may be white hot again. Strike while 
the iron is cold. 



But why, if the Ecclesiastical Titles Act is a dead letter, should the 
Roman Catholic Bishops wish it repealed ? Because its repeal would 
be a legislative disavowal of the .Church of England's nationality. 
Because the Royal assent necessary thereto would be a formal acknow- 
ledgment, on the part of the Queen, that the Bishop of Rome not 
only hath, but likewise ought to have, authority and jurisdiction in Her 
Majesty's dominions. 

But if, nevertheless, the Roman Catholic Bishops do not particularly 
desire the Ecclesiastical Titles Act's repeal, there are others who do. 
The Ritualist Anglican Clergy and their partisans, Mr. Punch, would 
give their ears, the whole length of them, great as that is, to effect it. 
For then they would be enabled to excommunicate the rest of the 
parsons, and, with a bishop of their own at their head, set up as a 
Church for themselves, with a legalised right to pretend to constitute 
the true Church of England. For the world at large the English 
Church, thus split up, would have no existence. This would be fine 
fun. Do not spoil sport, Mr. Punch, let the Ritualists triumph, and 
oblige your ancient, Mephisto. 

Nethermost Place. 

MINISTERIAL BULLETIN. 

The answer to the latest inquiry at the Home Office is, that Mr. 
Walpole is doing as well as he can be expected to do, but is still 
suffering from a Toomer. 

The Sound Sleeper's Paradise.— Snoring. 



158 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[April 20, 1867. 



THEY 'RE SAVED ! THEY 'RE SAVED ! 

The road was rough, our team untried, 

And hard to be controlled, 
They dashed the sledge from side to side, 

'Twas hard our seats to hold. 

All day the wolves were on our track, 

And as the night fell dark, 
We heard their bay, about our sleigh, 

And their red eyes could mark. 

In front, behind, to left and right, 

Those red eyes glared and glowed, 
The frequent feet broke on the night, 

Still following, as we rode. 

And now their hot breath round us hangs, 

Till we seem its flame to breathe, 
And we hear the gnashing of the fangs, 

That soon in us they '11 sheathe. 

I held four babies in my arms, 

Four babes that I loved true : 
There was Resolutions he was one, 

And Dual Vote was two. 

And the Third was Personal Rating, 

And Residence made four : 
No father e'er gat bonnier babes, 

Nor lustier mother bore. 

The wolves they howled, the wolves they growled, 

And nearer gnashed their jaws ; 
I could note the licking of their lips, 

The pattering of their paws ! 

'Tis hard to lose one little one, 

But harder to lose four ; 
And hardest of all to lose oneself, — 

So I flung one baby o'er ! 

I flung first Resolutions, 

And I thought the wolves 'twould stay : 
But they tore him small, and they eat him all, 

And again pursued their prey. 

Then over Dual Vote I tossed, 

In hopes 'twould stop the pack : 
Soon limb from limb they severed him, 

And again were at our back ! 

But Personal Rating and Residence 

As yet are safe 1 trow : 
And the wolves have ta'en to quarrelling, 

And merrily on we go ! 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE FIFTH. 



I will not offer a word of advice as to the dress of an Englishman 
when among our lively neighbours. I am not a fashionable myself ; 
in fact, I am not Little Beau Peep. Let me merely hint that a white 
hat, chimney-pot fashion, turned up with green is, perhaps,' a trifle 
ootray, which is French for^extravagant. A hat in French is Shappoh ; 
a white hat being Shappoh Blong— Blong, though you wouldn't think 
it, means ichite. While I think of it let me give an excellent piece of 
advice presented gratis to me by a gentleman from Ireland :— 

Always, in a hotel, on going to bed, take great care to lock your 
door on the outside. 

As to money, never change it. 

Let us take a drive before visiting the Egsposissiong. Call a cab. 
This is done by saying to your Congseairgsh, Fate sarvamsay urn 
voytoor. A voytoor is a cab. When he arrives, ask him for his Billy 
(or ticket), which he is bound to give you. Jump in, and tell him 
where you want to go to, premising that you are taking him pari 
coourse, i.e., by the course, i.e. by the drive, i.e. not by the hour. Urn 
frame a d'mee (1| franc) is his price pari coourse, and you must give 
him money poor boor into the bargain. Poor boor is drink-money ; say 
der soo, i.e. two sous, about 2d. 

Of course, if you have any relations in Paris your first duty is to go 
and see them, but in any case you should commence with a visit to the 
Mont der peat ay, written Mont de Piete, the house of your Uncle. 
Pledge him your honour that you are glad to see him, and ask if any- 
thing can be done on the voytooriay's Billy. 



Drive to the Maddy Lane, which is nothing like Drury Lane, but is 
a church. 

Over the altar is a fine devotional picture representing Napoleon 
the First being received into Paradise by all the Saints of the Roman 
Calendar, including the Pope whom he imprisoned. On reflection, it 
is wonderful that the artist should have stopped even at this point. In 
May, close by the Maddy Laue, is the Marshy day Fler, the Flower 
Market, where, if you alight at one end, you may walk through, and 
out at the other, forgetful of the voytooriay. It is the voytooriay's 
duty to look after his own business. This idea has no claim to origi- 
nality; the Burlington Arcade, and the Albany, in London, offer 
similar opportunities to the adventurous. 

After this, drive to the Loovrrr. 

The History of the Loovrrr (Compiled by Our Special Vague Corre- 
spondent). — Most interesting. It was built by Whatshisname, you 
know, as a place to fire cannons off from, when people storm it, and 
so forth. Hungry Cart did something to it, and so did one of the 
Loueys, and the result is beautiful. The architecture is all Gneco- 
something or other, unless that's the Maddy Lane, and the other 
fellow went to do that. (N.B. He means me by " the other fellow : " 
I have looked over his copy for corrections in spelling.- — Peeper the 
Great!) Somewhere out of one of these windows Charles the (I 
forget which) fired upon the Hugynose as they ran about wild in the 
streets. His mother and Cardinal Reeshloo were there and loaded 
his gun. Either Reeshloo or Bellakmine or Brillat Savarin was 
the Clergyman, I mean Cardinal : if not, try Mazarine. However, 
there was a picture in the Royal Academy of it a year or two ago, and 
if any one's got it go and call on him, and he '11 tell you all about it. 
There was a Cardinal, I know. Admiral Crichton was; somewhere 
about at the time. The ceilings are all painted. How the artists' 
backs must have ached. There is a Napoleon Room ; no extra charge 
as at Madame Tussaud's. 

This is, as I have said, the history of the Loovrrr. 

Now drive to the Sant Shappell in Old Paris. Pel dla Setay lis the 
name of Old Paris. They are generally repairing the Sant Shappell, 
and you can't get in without an order. I don't know from whom or 
where the order is to be got. A frank will do as well, and better, as 
they sometimes refuse you with an order, but never with a frank. 

See Notrrer Darm. It is the Old Church of Paris, and was built 

by , but you 'd better ask one of the Sacristans, who will tell you 

all about it, as he told our party. You'll be much interested in his 
account, especially if you cannot follow French spoken quickly. When- 
ever he stops say " wee," i. e., yes ; or " beang," i. e., good ; or 
Trays arntairessong. TBis, which one of our party took to mean " that 
what the Sacristan was saying was very interesting," came in very 
well, and appeared to thoroughly satisfy all the necessities of the case. 
My own idea (privately) is that the Sacristan was abusing us all the 
time. But what did it matter ? We gave him a frank each. 

Drive back; again to' wherever you came from, or to the Passarge 
Juffroy, where look out for the Denay deparry, for you '11 be hungry 
and must dine. [For dinners generally, see Mr. Blanchard Jer- 
rold's Paris for the English. How he must have dined !] 

Ill fo hum mar/tgshay : French as spoken, mind ; so come out with 
this, gaily and boldly, as you ascend the wooden stairs, and pay Madarm. 
at the counter your four [franks, which includes about eight courses, 
dessert with ice and fruit, and a bottle of wine. 

Garsong is waiter. I append a few words, which all will find most 
useful in everyday life among Parisians. 

Night cap, Bonny Benwee. 

This will go well to the air of " Bonny Bundee." Sing to the Gar- 
song or Fam deshambrr before you retire for the night : — 

Call till you 're hoarse is the rule I make when 
You call me o mattang : pray call me at ten. 
I 'm only a boarder, may, sirtainmong, wee, 
Jer mer coosh * in my bonny, my bonny denwee. 

This is the way to recollect a language. Directly you can compose 
poetry in any language, you 've mastered it. What did Thingummy 
say P " Let who would write the something or other, he (whoever he 
was) would compose their songs." Go in for this noble sentiment : 
songs sell well now-a-days. I hear that a young lady named Claribel, 
who writes such lovely things as, " How my heart soft moanings whis- 
pers, in the glade, the lonesome glade," &c, realises something con- 
siderable from the music-publishers. 

More useful words : — 

An Usher, Peong."(When you want to go to school.) 

A Client, Cleong. (If you 're a Solicitor} 

A Pedicure, Paydecoor. (That is, if you want a Pedicure.) 

A Mountaineer, Montarnar. (If you require one.) 

A Female Ape, G-uaynong. (Might be useful.) 

The Sun Sollayle. (Absolutely necessary.) 

A Whirlpool, Raymote. (No harm in knowing this : it may come 
in useful when you see a whirlpool.) 

Ardier arpraysong, rayvwor. P. the G. 






" 1 goto bid." 



PUNCH, OB TH E lc ffARIVARI— April 20, 1867. 




THEY'EE SAVED 



THEY'RE SAVED! 



(See " Essenee," p. 155). 



April 20, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



163 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

hey have sent my evening clothes. 
Show how different I look to when 
Fridoline last saw me, in mud 
and those abominable anti-gro- 
pelos. Ought to be able to dress 
in ten minutes- Heroes in novels 
Walter Scott's or James's 
always do it, with armour too. 
Tubs unknown to men in armour, 
unless they took it in breastplates 
and sponged over a cuirass. Then 
how about towels afterwards ? — 
interesting subject opened up. 
Wish I hadn't opened it up now 
as footman comes in to say, 
"Pish just on, Sir." Note down 
the above for Typical Develop- 
ments — chace — armour — towels. 
* * * Wonder if I shall recol- 
lect what this means. 

Just ready. Bother — no dress 

boots. Of course, when in a 

hurry I can only see those infernal 

antigropelos lying about. My 

bell is not attended to— and, hang it, no white ties. 

Happy Thought.— -Btng's white ties. 

Bell again : wish some one would answer it, I should have been 
down by now. Just like those servants— don't like to ring again— 
must. Hard : it is a rope-bell. Old-fashioned thing— breaks. What 
shall I do now if they don't come ? They don't come : I do nothing. 

Happy Thought.— -Stand on the drawers and pull at the wire. After 
a hard day's riding it isn't easy to climb about. When I am on the 
drawers the footman comes in. I feel as if I ought to apologise for 
being so impetuous. Without any explanation I say, " Dress boots : 
and will he get me one of his master's ties." This last request sounds 
unprincipled. He returns with my boots. Master hasn't got any : 
he 's wearing his last. 

Happy Thought (which strikes tlie footman) . He will lend me one of 
his, if it will do. 

Don't like to refuse. Thanks, yes. He gets it. As folded it is 
about double the thickness of my waistcoat. Very long. Difficulties. 
After first attempt the ends stick out straight three inches on each 
side. Methodist preacher. Try it double : result on appearance ; 
gentleman with mumps. Third attempt, tie it in very broad bow, so 
as to absorb the length. Result : comic nigger who does the bones. 
Tie becoming creased and limp. 

Happy Thought— -Not in a bow at all. Once round, and hide the 
ends. 
At the last moment it strikes me I want shaving. 
Happy Thought.— No one will notice it.; 

General feeling of untidiness somehow ; but a strong sense of com- 
fort in no longer wearing breeches and antigropelos. 

Entrance into Dining-room.— Awkward. Apologise. Byng cuts it 
short. As I am going to my seat I find I 've left my pocket-handker- 
chief up-stairs, Uncomfortable. 
Dinner. — Place left for me next to Fridoline. 
Happy Thought.— Explain why I was late to Fridoline. Opens a 
conversation. 

They are at the Third Course ; but have kept soup and fish for me. 
Wish they hadn't. Can't refuse it. 

Happy Thought (say it in my sporting character).— Bard work catching 
up people over a soup and fish course, after giving them up to beef. 
' There," says Fridoline, " you mustn't try to talk." I look round 
at her. (Soup on my shirt front.) Not talk ? Not to her ? Then 
doesn't she, I ask, wish me to— (wipe it off quickly)—" Now then, 
don't be shy," cries Milburd to me. I nod and snule at him. Where 
are my repartees ? I should like to be a Pasha for just one minute. I'd 
wave my hand, and the butler and footman should throw a sack over 
Milburd's head, and then drop him into the Bosphorus. He is so 
rude and thoughtless. 

Happy Thought (when I am going to bed).—l know what I ought to 
have said to Milburd when he said, " Don't be shy." I ought to have 
said something about his setting the pattern, or that he shouldn't have 
all the modesty to himself. This isn't the sharp form in which the 
repartee should come, but it's the crude idea. [Note it in my book, 
and work it up. Sheridan did it, and was brilliant at repartees.] 

After the beef I do talk to Fridoline. I don't know exactly what 
I say. I think once 1 say I hope her father likes me : I praise her 
mother. She advises me to make great friends with her mother—! will. 
I hope that I shall see her after she leaves here— she hopes so too. 
I hope so again, because, really, I shall be quite lonely— I don't mean 
lonely— I mean melancholy, without her— I mean, after she 's gone, 
beeling, perhaps, that I have gone a little too far, I laugh. The laugh 



spoils the whole effect. She will think I am not in earnest: she'll 
think I 'm a mere flirter. 

Happy Thought— -To impress this upon her. Ask her, "You think 
I am not in earnest ? " 

She asks, " In earnest— about what ? " This disconcerts me. 1 
don t like to say, " about loving you," because there 's a pause in the 
general conversation, and we two are the only ones talking. The 
pause began when she asked "About what?" as if everyone was 
anxious to hear my reply. 1 laugh again, arrange my fork and knife, 
and cast a glance round to see if anyone's listening. I catch Mrs. 
Symperson's eye— for one minute : she looks away instantly. 

Happy Thought.— Ask Fridoline if her mother won't be angry with 
her about our talking together so much. (This is nearer the mark, 
though I put it diffidently.) 

Oh, no, her mother is never angry with her. 

Happy Thought— -To say, "Who could be?" She replies that her 
papa can. Here the subject is at an end, as I can't abuse her father. 
Silence between us. Milburd telling some story, making old Symper- 
son laugh— everyone laughing. Feel awkward, being out of it. 
Fridoline will think I 'm dull and stupid. Must go on talking : can't 
start a subject. Tell her that I am in earnest, once more. Expatiate 
on sympathies. I hope, in a very undertone, to which she inclines to 
listen, that she will let me talk to her this evening. I know what I 
mean, and am uncomfortably and hotly aware that I don't put it so 
intelligibly as I could wish. She replies, " Of course you may." " Ah, 
but I mean I wish you'd let me see more of you, be more with 

you " she wishes I would not be so foolish, there 's Mr. Milburd 

and Papa looking this way. The half-aunt is putting on her gloves, 
and going to nod to the ladies. 

I am going to lose her. As she is preparing to rise she wants to 
know if I've seen Mr. Byng's conservatory lighted up. I've not— 
can I see it now ? Yes, she '11 show it me, but I mustn't stop long over 
the wine. One look. Byng says something to her as she goes out. 
I hope he hasn't put me out of her head. 

Happy Thought— No. She half-turns at the door. Half catches my eye. 

Happy Thought.— The Conservatory. 

Conversation turns on Free-masonry. Milburd relates stories of 
masons knowing one another anywhere. Byng tells how a French 
mason met a Chinese mason in battle, and didn't kill him. The whole- 
uncle says, he recollects a curious case, but on trying to recall details, 
fails ; but anyhow it is admitted on all hands that to be a mason is a 
great thing when abroad or in difficulties anywhere. 

Happy Thought— In difficulties anywhere ! then be a mason before I 
go out hunting again. Wonder if any of those men, who were looking 
on at my horse in his staggers, were masons. Perhaps they were all 
making the signs, and I didn't know it. Wish I 'd been one. Ask all 
about it. 

Fridoline will expect me. Awkward to leave the table. Getting 
fidgety. Laugh at Old Symperson's stories. He 's telling me one 
now which detains me. 

Happy Thought— Left my pocket-handkerchief up-stairs. Go for it. 

Promise to return : only my handkerchief. 

Happy Thought.— Conservatory. 



CANZONET ON COSMETICS. 

(DEDICATED TO ERASMUS WILSON.) 

Air—" My Mother bids me Bind my Hair." 

My fancy bade me stain my hair 

With dye of golden hue, 
And tint my face with pigment rare, 

To captivate the view. 
But now the tresses I beweep, 

With which I dared to play, 
The charms I had not sense to keep, 

The health I threw away. 

'Tis sad to think those locks are gone, 

The wash had turned them sere, 
My head was shaved ; a wig I 've on, 

These pimpled cheeks are queer. 
That poison I 've absorbed I dread ; 

A doctor 1 've to pay : 
The beauty I had once is fled, 

I 've thrown my health away. 



A Con. for Creditors. 

Why should a householder who means to bolt without paying his 
tradespeople, buy his sheets at the famous bedding warehouse in 
Tottenham Court Road ? In order that he may be able to show his 
creditors " a clean pair of Heal's." 



Motto eor the New Daily Paper.— De die in 



164 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 20, 1867. 




ARCADIAN AMENITIES. 

Little Rustic (after a " game" struggle, evidently overweighted). "Oh, please, 

HELP US ALONG 'iTH THIS LlNEN UP TO MOTHER'S " 

Amiable Swell (aghast). "Eh! oh, ridiculous — HOW can I? — Look HEEE, 

I ve got a Bag — heavy Bag — to carry myself " 

Little Rustic. "I'll carry your Bag, Sir." 

Swell. " Eh — but (to gain time) wn — what 's your Mother's absurd Name ? " 

[This did not help him much. Tliere ivas no escape ; and ultimately 

but toe draw a veil over the humiliating sequel. 



JACK SPANIARD AT THE TRIANGLES. 

Lord Stanley has spoken out at last— not before it 
was wanted, and redress for the outrages on the crew of 
the Tornado, and on the owners as well as crew of the 
Victoria, has been demanded,' in terms which leave nothing 
behind them but an ultimatum, and reprisals. 

When the Don has done us this satisfaction — and he will 
have to do it, in spite of his bluster and braggadocio, for 
there is nothing under the sun like Spanish brag — we shall 
have to face the further question of the wrong done to the 
owners of the Tornado. Lord Stanley has given them 
the cold shoulder from the first, having apparently been 
prejudiced against their claim by the daring allegations of 
the Spanish Government — allegations, we are bound to 
say, contradicted by the ship's papers, and by every 
particle of trustworthy evidence extant in the published 
correspondence. 

This point has yet to be cleared up, and Lord Stanley 
is bound to satisfy himself and the country about it. But 
whatever conclusion may be borne out in this particular, 
as to whicli we must confess our own impression to be 
that the owners of the Tornado have been as cruelly 
wronged as the crew, John Bull must not allow his 
Tornado to be put down, now that it has once been raised. 
We cannot measure Spain's liability to compensate our 
injured sailors and shipowners, by her poverty, her weak- 
ness, or her dishonesty, any more than by her conceit and 
her blustering. 

She has shown herself in this case, what she has always 
been in all her international relations, a brazen braggart, 
and a measureless liar. This is hard truth, but Punch is 
not a 'diplomatist, and need not mince matters. We have 
now to teach her that the liberties and property of English- 
men cannot be invaded and confiscated without a penalty, 
and that England has made up her mind to insist on that 
penalty being exacted to the uttermost farthing. 



Waste of the Public Money. 

The Clerical Vestments Bill is now before Parliament. 
It cannot surely be intended that the nation should pay 
the heavy account;the gentlemen at ,St. Albans, &c, must 
have incurred for dresses, out of the surplus ? 



ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 



Foreigners visiting France this year would ' be glad 
never to hear the term passport, but they have no such 
objection to the continuance of the words pass claret. 



Awful Warning. — We know a man who took so much 
refreshment on Saturday last (aquatic sports) that even 
his boots were " screwed," and "tight" too. 



THE JOURNEYMEN TAILORS' ULTIMATUM. 

Scene — A Club Room. Mr. Gaffer, with his back to the fire, and 
newspaper in hand, loq. 

Fine times these, Sir, that we are living in. (Lowers newspaper, and 
raises his spectacles.) I say, expressly, fine. How fine our houses are, 
how fine our style of living is, how fine our women are ! What fine 
clothes they wear, and what fine prices you have to pay for them ! 
Fine ladies, fine gentlemen ; fine fellows altogether. Fine from top to 
bottom — the bottom of society ; why even our journeymen are fine. 
Our very journeymen tailors are, to use a vulgar expression, coming it 
fine. Here, Sir (replaces his spectacles), is a paragraph headed " The 
London Tailors' Movement." London Tailors' Movement ! In my 
young days the only tailors' movement — the only movement peculiar 
to tailors ever heard of— was that of leaping on a shop-board, and 
squatting cross-legged. But now the movement of the London Tailors 
is a movement threatening a strike. They have a — what ?— an Amal- 
gamated Society with a ^President, Vice-President, Committee, and 
Delegates ; and last evening a general and committee meeting of the 
London Tailors' Association was held at the Green Dragon, King 
Street, Soho. The delegates reported that it had been resolved at 
Manchester that the masters' terms should be rejected, and the London 
and Manchester men act as a united body. And now, Sir, listen to 
this (reads) •. — 

" In consequence of this resolution a telegram had been sent up to the committee 
of the Masters' Association, requesting their ultimatum by Monday next. Should 
this ultimatum be unfavourable to the claims of the men, a proposition is then to 
bo made for a second strike." 



Ultimatum ! Their ultimatum ! Journeymen tailors' ultimatum ! 
To think I should have lived to read of journeymen tailors talking 
about their ultimatum ! How we should have laughed in my time at 
hearing anyone mention a journeymen tailors' ultimatum ! I wonder 
what Brummell would have said if anybody had told him of an ulti- 
matum of journeymen tailors ! Ultimatum— eh, what F— and I suppose 
they will next have plenipotentiaries. Now, all this— all this— is the 
result of education ; and in my opinion journeymen tailors, as well as 
other journeymen, are getting too clever by half ; and the consequence 
is you see now they are all to have votes and political power ; but of 
course education is necessary for them to exercise that for good, and 
not for evil, and mend the representation and institutions and govern- 
ment of the country, instead of confining their ingenuity in repairs to 
mending breeches, and coats out at elbows, and other operations of 
that nature which journeymen tailors are reduced to perform when 
they have no better employment, and are what I should have under- 
stood, if I hadn't known better was meant, by a journeymen tailors' 
ultimatum. 



An Apology for the Yarmouth Bloater. 

I don't care which man's colours I wear upon my coat, 
Might as well have to choose 'tween a weasel and a stoat. 
So, because I 've not got any other reason for my vote, 
I cannot have a better than a ten-pound note. 



" EVENINGS AT (THE SPEAKER'S) HOME." 

1 Eyes and No Eyes." Mr. D's. dinners to Ministry and Opposition. 



April 20, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1G5 




THE PLEASURES OF YACHTING. 

Jones takes his Fair Cousins out for a Cruise ; but the "Weather turning out Squally, his Hands are more than Full. 

[Note. — The Gloves arc Jones's. 



HIGGLEDY-PIGGLEDY. 

Hey for the reign of Great, Higgledy-Piggledy, 

Lord of Confusion and Prince of Misrule ! 
Parties all surging, waggledy-wiggledy : 

Old Father Precedent thrust from his stool : 
Liberals trying to clap on the stopper, 

And keep a Conservative leader in bounds ; 
Tories prepared to give Dizzy a cropper, 

Holding with hare, while they hunt with the hounds. 

Gladstone deserting his " own flesh and blood " line ; 

At five-pound rate bidding the House bar the door ; 
Derby content to leap over the mud-line 

That dirty Democracy leaves on the floor ; 
Dizzy to tribute of Roebuck aspiring; 

Cranborne and Gladstone in gay pas de deux ; 
Osborne a-blush to hear Henley inquiring 

What harm, after all, household suffrage will do ? 

Squires bucolic in helplessness hurried 

Far from old pathways and swept into new : 
Hustings-Reformers, exceedingly flurried, 

Now Reform 's grown a thing not to talk of, but do. 
General shifting ot old party land-marks, 

Sore doubts what to say, whom to cheer, how divide : 
Washing of old party-hues out, like sand-marks 

Erased by the rise of Democracy's tide. 

White turned black, black grown white, with chameleon changes, 

As the light streams from this side or over the way ; 
Proofs how far public men's elasticity ranges, 

And how true a prophet was Vidian Grey. 
Parliamentary chaos, and swift resolution 

Of parties to atoms, again to combine, 
When the hand of Reform, having stayed Revolution, 

For new men new measures proceeds to define. 



Till which achievement, vive Higgledy-Piggledy,' 

Lord of the Crisis and King of the Hour ; 
Be Premiers and Parliaments never so wrigglcdy, 

To right crooked things, still there worketh a power : 
That over-rides partisan organisation, 

The juggling of Commons, the jostling of Peers, 
That Power is the sound Common Sense of the Nation, 

Still calm, though its M.P.'s are all by the ears. 



FRENCH BEEFEATERS AND ENGLISH BEEF. 

Englishmen in days gone by were wont to sneer at their French 
neighbours because they drank sour wine and ate fricassees of frogs. 
But French dishes and French drinks are common now in England, 
and there seems reason to believe that English beef and beer will soon 
be popular in France. See for instance what a writer in the Morning 
Post says about the way in which our two refreshment places at the 
Paris Exhibition are winning converts to our tastes : — 

" Palo ale is in great demand at these two establishments, and is highly appre- 
ciated, not only by Englishmen but by crowds of foreigners, who loudly praise it. 
.... Here also arc to be seen splendid rounds and ribs of beef, which are cooked 
in England, and sent over by the night mail, so that they arrive perfectly fresh in 
the morning ready for luncheon." 

Oh, the roast beef of Old England ! Vive le rosbif anglais ! Ourrah 
pour la biere pale ! Ah, que e'est bon re Burton ! Gar f on, donnez-moi 
encore une autre tranche de ce fameux rosbif ! C'esl du rib, n'est-ce pas ? 
Ah, que e'est delicieux ! Une veritable bonne bouche, n'est-ce pas, mon 
ami? Eh bien, buvons done a l' Union d'Angleletre et de la France! 
Heep, Jieep, ourrah ! 

There is little doubt that diet makes the man. What makes a 
Frenchman volatile and frivolous ? Why, surely the light sonjjUes and 
vol-au-vcnts he swallows. Let him live on English solids and his nature 
will be changed. His revolutions will subside into reform demonstra- 
tions, and his soldiers be as peaceful as our peace-keeping police. 



An Unconstitutional Proceeding.— Pork and Walnuts for Supper 



166 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 20, 1867. 




OBTAINING HUSBANDS UNDER FALSE PRETENCES. 

HE Pall Mall Gazette 
animadverts on a state- 
ment made by a con- 
temporary, that " small 
neat gutta-percha ears 
are no w generally worn 
by ladies whose own 
ears are coarse aud 
excessive, the natural 
ears being easily con- 
cealed under the heavy 
masses of false hair 
now so fashionable." 
The masses of false 
hair which conceal the 
natural ears of ladies 
who wear sham ones 
would have to be very 
much heavier than 
they are, if those 
ladies' natural ears 
were as long as they 
should be to indicate 
moral and intellectual 
qualities. 

p, Really,finIcontracting' 5 matrimony,' k now-a-days, a man must take care 
that he does'not buy a pig in a poke. The aptitude of this phrase will 
commend its homeliness. Wives are not to be had without money, 
and not to be maintained without wealth. The use of cosmetics is 
uncleanly. So is the practice of wearing false hair. Where do the 
chignons come from, but from the gaol, the lunatic asylum, the work- 
house, and — the dead-house ? 

When a man marries he should "narrowly inspect the features of his 
intended bride to see that the most prominent of them are not artificial. 
But an ear, or a nose — a gutta-percha Grecian, which may have been 
superinduced on a natural snub — may be so cleverly constructed with 
relation to mere eyesight, as to equal the wigs that, as though designed 
to disguise rogues, are said, in snobbish phraseology, to " defy 
detection." Therefore it would be necessary to catch the lady napping, 
and see whether or no her slumbers were disturbed by thrusting a pin 
or needle into the suspected lineament, or dubious region. It is 
becoming expedient to apply the test for wives that used to be applied 
to witches. 

Surely the law of divorce ought to be amended with a clause per- 
mitting dissolution of marriage in cases wherein the wife has obtained 
a husband by false pretences, such as false ears, or any other coun- 
terfeits of at least any vascular portion of the bodily frame, to the 
possibility of which there may be no end. For otherwise there will 
be no knowing, till it is too late, how much of a wife is really flesh, 
and how much mere plastic material. At the very altar it may now 
be a question whether the finger on which a bridegroom is placing a 
ring may not be made of gutta-percha. 



ANOTHER STRIKE ! ! 



I r..M. — The Clock of St. Paul's has struck. There will be a meeting 
of the Dean and Chapter to consider the next step. 

0'30. — The Clock Hands have met. Great excitement in the City. 
Further information impossible, as we have not received any minutes 
of the proceedings. 

G 59. — Threatening attitude : preparations being made for another 
Strike. 

7'10. — Dissensions in the works. Differences among the Clocks 
themselves. 

By later Telegram. 

6. — Big Ben struck. Little Ben been sent for from the Exchequer. 
It is feared that the Horse Guards will join the movement. Serious 
anticipations : no quarter will be given. Watch-guards called out. 

6'30. — The Lord Mayor has oeen summoned from dinner to read 
The Winding Up Act. He will be attended by his repeater. All loyal 
citizens will be called upon to surrender their Time-pieces. Greenwich 
all right. 

Latest Particulars, 

710.— Panic in the City : stoppage of several watches. 

8.— Key of the position at St. Paul's obtained by a well-known City 
watchmaker. Time flies. 

8'30. — A journeyman watchmaker caught in the act of making a face. 

9. — Bells of St. Clement's volunteered to come out as Pealers. 
10. — Several changes. Watch-keys mostly tipsy. 
11. — Alarums set ; but all quiet. 

1 a.m. — Everything going on like one o'clock. 



A BRIDGE OP GOLD. 

The Jamaica Committee being totally routed, and Mr. Eyre and 
those who obeyed him being delivered from persecution — danger there 
never was any— Mr. Punch, who won the victory (with the slight aid 
of the contingent called English Common Sense) has no intention of 
riding down and slaughtering the vanquished. He affably smiles 
while 

" Wisdom throws 
The golden bridge she builds for flying foes." 

Indeed, master of the field of battle, he has no objection to invite the 
defeated to stay their flight, and come to his pavilion, where they shall 
be courteously entreated. For there are men among them whom he 
honours, and even for Beales and Peter Taylor he has now a good- 
natured smile on his beaming but intellectual face. 

Lord Chief Justice ,Cockburn delivered a luminous and volu- 
minous essay on Martial Law, by way of charge to the Grand Jury, in 
the case of Colonel Nelson and Lieutenant Brand. Mr. Punch 
remarked, last week, in reference to the Chief Justice's having kindly 
afforded Mr. Beales leisure from professional duties, that the first 
thought more highly than ever of the second. Mr. Punch's friend and 
neighbour the Star, was a little iu a hurry to divert the compliment. 
Sir Alexander Cockburn's masterly address, and the admiration it 
iustly caused, was a very good excuse for this small bit of exultation 
by the Star, and Mr. Punch shakes hands with the latter in the most 
affable manner, blandly answering to the demand, " What of the Shrop- 
shire Magistrates now, Mr. Punch?" "What of the Grand Jury of 
Middlesex, Mr. Star:"' Let us bury the hatchet, and forget who 
threw it the astounding distance of eight miles— of blacks. 

There should be an end of the matter. If the Jamaica Committee 
thought so much for the blacks that it could not think of the whites, 
the blunder has resulted in defeat. English instincts are seldom at 
fault. The Lord Chief Justice summed up the story of the rebellion 
admirably. The Jamaica insurgents, he said — 

" Appeared in arms. They stormed the Court-house in Morant Bay, in which the 
magistrates were assembled. The volunteers came to the assistance of the magis- 
trates, but they were all overwhelmed ; the Court-house was stormed, no less than 
eighteen people were killed, and upwards of fifty were wounded. From that 
moment the whole of the negro population in that neighbourhood was in a state of 
rebellious insurrection. This state of things spread itself very rapidly, and lives 
were taken and property destroyed by the negroes, who made no secret of their 
intentions, and threatened to destroy the white population — at least, the main por- 
tion of it, and expressed their determination to seize and take possession of the 
whole of the property of the island. Now, it seems this state of things caused in 
the minds of the white population the greatest possible consternation and alarm. 
The military force of the island was but small, and the number of the white popu- 
lation small — very small indeed — in proportion to the number of the blacks. The 
result was, as might be expected, that the greatest terror and alarm prevailed under 
these circumstances." 

And " under these circumstances," the whites put forth all their 
energies in defence of life and property. They crushed the rebellion, 
and in stamping it out did several things which can be defended only 
on the ground of the " terror and alarm " mentioned by Lord Chief 
Justice Cockisurn. Severity which appears excessive was used, and 
Gordon, a pestilent aud dangerous agitator, was most irregularly 
hanged upon "moonshine" evidence, instead of beiug regularly 
hanged upon evidence that would have satisfied au ordinary jury. 
The defence for all that is alleged against the whites is iu the above 
language of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and the Grand Jury threw 
out the bills, confirming the view of the Shropshire Magistrates that 
there was no evidence to send to jurors. 

Mr. Punch hopes to have little more to say on the subject. He 
rejoices that English gentlemen have been delivered from an unjust 
persecution ; he rejoices that au English Judge has had an opportunity 
of once more vindicating his splendid talents; he rejoices that the 
question of Martial Law is to be examined, though its true principle is 
rooted in the instinct of all brave men ; he rejoices that a disagreeable 
subject is passing out of his jurisdiction ; and in fact he is perfectly 
radiant. Or, if one light cloud passes over his glowing face, it is 
because Lord Chief Justice Cockburn unkindly used these words : — 

" It may have been that Mr. Gordon entered on this system of agitation, as 
many agitators and demagogues have done before, for the sake of the temporary 
power and influence it would give him, but without any ulterior designs." 

If it be true that as these cruel words were spoken, certain members 
of the Jamaica Committee fainted and had to be supported out of 
Court, and comforted with brandy-and-water, Mr. Punch hopes that 
the it. C. Justice will be able to forgive himself as heartily as 
Mr. Punch forgives him. It will be the fault of other people if 
Mr. Punch has to take up the subject again — as he will, at the shortest 
notice, if necessary. 

What ? No ! Ha ! Since writing the above Mr. Punch hears that 
a new persecution of Mr. Eyre is to begin. The Colonial Governors' 
Act is to be made a machine for the purpose. Mr. Beales is to be 
retained as leading counsel, and instead of Jamaica Committee the 
association will, in future, be called the Gordon Gushers. 



April 27, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1G< 




TOO LATE. 

Departing Quest. " But my Hat was a bran-new one ! " 
Greengrocer (Footman for the nonce). " On, Sir! The second-best 

BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOOR AGO, SlR ! " 



THE PURPLE AND THE FUSTIAN. 

(To a Trades Unionist.) 

If an Autocrat imbruted, 

Russian Czar, or despot Turk, 
Cut you down, because it suited 

Him, not you, to so mucli work, 
Labour, which you get your bread off, 

Saying you shall not pursue ; 
Risht to knock his blessed head off 

You would think it— wouldn't you ? 

Who would e'er ask, "Who 's your Hatter ': " 

Of a tyrant P If the chap 
Has a crown on, does it matter, 

Or a square brown paper cap ? 
He 's a tyrant, whether hewing 

Wood, or seated on a throne, 
Who dares hinder me from doing 

As I please with what 's my own. 

He 's a thief, 'tis clear as crystal, 

Who, to throat applying knife, 
Or at head presenting pistol, 

Says, " Your money or your life ! " 
Brain or muscle of employing 

Who debars a man through fear, 
Threatening him, or annoying, 

Is a thief, too ; 'tis as clear. 

Blow all tyrants whomsoever, 

Be they great or be they small, 
High or low, if they endeavour 

Any freeman to inthrall. 
Blow all thieves — they 're thieves, who^bridle 

Skill and Labour ail they can : 
Who, to gratify the idle 

Rascal, rob the working man. 



The Jockey Club Superseded. 



On Tuesday, the lGth instant, a Paper was read before 
> ! the Anthropological Society on the " Arrangement of 
'Ats a' I Races." The Epsom, Ascot, and Doncaster Meetings 
were afterwards fixed. 



SOME MORE THINGS NOT EXHIBITED AT THE PARIS 
EXHIBITION. 

People say the Paris show is hardly yet worth going to, so much 
space is still left empty by the nations who have so furiously been 
raging at the railways, and the rivers, and the rain, and other causes 
which have hindered them in sending in their goods. But honourable 
mention must be made of some exceptions, such as Russia, Sweden, 
France, and England, all of which have now completed the arrange- 
ment of their goods, and, we may be excused for adding, their indif- 
ferents and bads. England on the whole looks very well in the 
gasometer, if anything looks well in so hideous a structure. The 
Punch Trophy atones for a multitude of faults, and is alone worth a 
journey from Jerusalem, or Java, or Kamschatka, or King's Cross. 
There is always a vast crowd of admirers near this Trophy, for a free 
newspaper, like Punch, is not seen every day in Trance, nor is a journal 
which, though comic, never is unclean. 

There are, however, still some omissions in the catalogue, which we 
should like to see supplied. We wish, for instance, that to make the 
English show more perfect, some kind fairy could exhibit such rare 
articles as these : — 

A cup of coffee half as good as the worst you get in France. 

A bottle of pure air from the work-room of a West-end fashionable 
dressmaker. 

A specimen of roadway, macadamised upon the English plan of using 
costly carriage-wheels in lieu of cheap steam-rollers, that will bear the 
least comparison with any Paris trottoir. 

Half a dozen patent sunbeams, extracted, by a novel process, out of 
hothouse cucumbers, to supply the want of sunshine felt so commonly 
in England by foreigners who visit it. 

A bill of fare of a cheap dining-room anywhere in England, in which 
at more than twice the money the cookery is comparable to that which 
you may meet with almost anywhere in France. 

The British cat-o'-nine tails, discarded from the Army through 



national disgust, and henceforward to be only used on brutes who beat 
their wives, or on ruffianly garotters. 

A vestryman who does his public work as well as an Imperial 
inspector. 

And, finally, the menu of a whitebait dinner where each dainty, as in 
France, is separately served, and you can get cheap sparkling wine at 
less than eighteen pence a glass. 



THE COMPOUND HOUSEHOLDER. 

(Sonnet by a Seeker after Truth through the Debates on the Reform, Bill.) 

What is the Compound Householder P Invite 
Reply from Dizzy, Cranbourne, Heathcote, Loave, 
Hardy and Heathcote, Gladstone, Bright & Co., 

And you receive a different answer quite. 

These swear that he is all that 's wise, polite, 
Well-read, industrious ; the others cry 
Out on him, venal, ignorant, still dry, 

In pot and pipe still seeking his delight ! 

Each feature of him hath its opposite ; 
Each vice its virtue, virtue hath its vice, 
Streaky with good and bad laid slice on slice, 

One half of him with the other armed to fight ! 
As " Compound" Householder we well may greet 
The wight in whom such warring compounds meet ! 



Advice to Lonely Travellers. 

If you are ever walking along a dangerous road, and a footpad stops 
you with " Stand and deliver," say pleasantly, " You're the man for my 
money." This will raise a smile on his saturnine countenance. Take 
advantage of this to show you will stand none of his nonsense, and 
deliver yourself. 



vol. lii. 



168 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 27, 1867. 



TARABAN THE TEETOTALLER. 

riend Argus, the 
judicious Hooker 
of the Turf, in his 
notice of a horse 
named Taraban, 
describes that ani- 
mal as having re- 
cently made an 
exhibition of very 
remarkable beha- 
viour : — 

" Like as in The 
Criterion, as soon as 
be had gone a short 
distance he stuck his 
ears back and his toes 
in the ground, and 
refused to try a yard." 

This horse is an- 
nounced to stand 
for the Derby, and 
stand it seems most 
likely that he will 
— instead of run- 
ning. Otherwise 
the United King- 
dom Alliance might 
be disposed to back 
this quadruped, for its constituents will rejoice to learn that : — 

" The next time of asking they endeavoured to put some heart into him by giving him 
some of Bartholomew's best whisky, but it was of no use, he refused it as obstinately as Father 
Mathew would have done." 

Will neither Mr. Lawson, nor Mr. Morley, nor Mr. PorE— will no reverend 
member of the Alliance for the enforcement of teetotalism— back this temperance 




& 






horse P Perhaps — who knows ? — he would run if they 
gave him tea. 

If I had a racer what wouldn't go. 
D'ye think I 'd fuddle him, oh dear no ! 
I 'd give him Souchong, or try Pekoe, 

Jockey ! 

Is there among all the members of the Alliance not one 
enthusiast who is also horseman enough to adventure to 
ride Taraban at Epsom? If so, perhaps, by way of an 
amusing novelty, he might endeavour to make him run by 
the expedient of letting a bunch of greens, suspended on 
the end of a broomstick, dangle before his nose. Thus, to 
be sure, Taraban would be rather heavily handicapped; 
but if, in a society of gentlemen most of whom are sup- 
posed to be oily, one could be found light enough to occupy 
the saddle as an amateur with the above-mentioned substi- 
tute for whip and spur, he would illustrate a maxim which 
greatly needs to be inculcated on his associates in the 
endeavour to make temperance compulsory — that persua- 
sion is better than force. 



THE BIRD AND THE BELLE. 

The fair Pauline went forth one day, 

One balmy day in Spring, 
When trees with early bloom were gay, 

And birds conspired to sing. 

A fleecy flock did pasture find 
Within a neighbouring field, 

And, to a flock of feathered kind, 
Themselves a pasture yield. 

A starling rose from off an ewe, 
Perched on the fair Pauline, 

And from her chignon, nice and new, 
Picked out a gregarine. 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE SIXTH. 

Hotels. — If you want to do the grand this year, of course you will go 
to the best Hotel. If you really wish to do the Grand go to the Grand 
and leave without paying. I can imagine no more effective way of 
" Doing the Grand." Why I say this is because they are charging 
such prices. 

Contrary to all precedent, the higher the room the higher the price. 
I mean by comparison. Fifth story, Sir, and this is no story, eighteen 
francs per diem. Per diem means by the day, and is not French, as I 
thought it was before I came here. [I just mention this to show 
you privately why I wanted that circular note sent on at once. This is 
not necessarily for publication, as the Times says, but as a guarantee of 
your good faith.] 

In one of my pleasant letters to you I mentioned that any English- 
man might now find an opportunity to come over here and make an 
exhibition of himself. I have done more ; I have executed a marvel- 
lous feat of legerdemain : the other day I turned into the Exhibition ! 
Shall I add, that I was very neatly turned out ? I will. But let me 
explain that my turn out was unexceptionable : brown coat, blue trou- 
sers, polished boots, low hat (not French style), and etceterar, etceterar. 

Your Peeper " will give you an insight into the produce herein 
gathered. I will give you a list, which I drew up before visiting the 
Exhibition, embodying my ideas of what I expected to see. 

Shall I say I was disappointed ? I will not. I like the Egsposis- 
siong. Jay ettay lar, " I have been there," and still would go. 

Crowds this week in Parry; but ravenong^ ar no mootong, let us 
return to our mutton, or it will be cold. My list. " List, oh list " : — 



Spain .. 
Portugal 
Eoypt . . 
Bavaria 
Wurtemberg 
Italy . . 
Chili .. 
China . . 
Morocco 
Russia . . 



Liquorice. 

Onions. 

The Sphinx. 

Beer. 

Nothing Particular. 

Oil. 

Pickles. 

Cochins. 

Slippers. 

Bear's Grease. 



Sweden . . Swedenborgians. 

Turkey . . Sausages. 

Brazil . . Nuts. 

Prussia . . Needles & Prussian Boots. 

Poland . . Red Boots with Brass Heels. 

Bohemia.. Bohemian Girls. 

Japan . . Candlesticks. 

Siam . . Twins. 

France . . French Polish. 

England MYSELF. 



There is a whisper going the round of the most fashionable circles 
that I am to be appointed on the Jury-commission of the Egsposis- 
siong. As there may be some truth in this, I shall defer my notice of 
the several departments until the question is settled, as, no doubt, a 
few of the Exhibitors would like to say a word or two to me about 
their goods. Ardiur ar praysong. P. thb G. 



PULPIT READINGS. 

Under the name of Ruri Decanus a Clergyman, in a letter to the 
Times, says : — 

" This morning, in one of the principal West-end Churches, I heard the incum- 
bent deliver a very beautiful sermon which I recognised immediately as one of 
Dr. Arnold's early School Sermons." 

Unquestionably the incumbent, in preaching Dr. Arnold's Sermon 
instead of his own, set an example which the great majority of clergymen 
had better imitate. Ruri Decanus indeed suggests that : — 

" If these recitations of many of the best passages in which our theological 
literature is so rich were more frequent, there would be less of the now increasing 
outcry against sermons, people would then sit to listen as they sit to listen to 
readings or recitations from Milton or Shakspeare." 

But, as he points out, for the reproof of pulpit plagiaries : — 

" We should remember, however, that whenever Macready, or Kean, or any 
celebrated master of eloquence, makes us sigh or weep by the mighty force of the 
words which he utters, he does not give us to understand at the same time, or even 
allow it to be implied, that these ' words of power ' are the result of the speaker's 
own labour or thought or imagination." 

Just so ; and therefore it would behove every reverend gentleman, 
taking what would generally be the commendable course of substi- 
tuting a " recitation " from the works of a persuasive, reasoning, and 
learned divine for a discourse of his own, when he has given out his 
text also to give out his sermon. As :— " The discourse which I am 
about to deliver is taken from such and such a work of Richard 
Hooker," or " is one of Jeremy Taylor's," or " is the original 
composition of Dr. Tillotson." And if any captious hearer should, 
with a slight variation of Macbeth' s inquiry, demand : — 

" Why do you preach me 
A borrowed sermon 1 " 

— the candid answer might be " Because it is the best I can." Honestly 
preaching an avowedly borrowed sermon is at any rate better than 
fraudulently preaching a clandestinely bought one. 

The letter above quoted was dated April 14th. A remark which 
will therefore naturally occur to some minds is, that a borrowed sermon 
was seasonable for a Lent Sunday. If judiciously borrowed, a borrowed 
sermon would in most cases be found equally seasonable on any other 



For the Home Sweet Home Secretary. 

When Mr. Walpole visits the Theatre he always goes to the Dress 
Circle or Upper Boxes, because that part of the house is divided into 
tiers. 



April 27, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



169 



A dull dead sky distilling rain, 

A sun reserved and prudish, 
And vicious gusts whose hints were plain 

That Boreas was rudish; 
Rain wed to mud in every place 

(A dirty kind of leaven) ; 
Such hopeful case showed in the race 

Of eighteen sixty-seven. 

The English public thronged the paths 

Iu endless helpless muddle : 
The English public took foot-baths 

In many an obvious puddle. 
(Benighted aliens might refuse 

To recognise the good in't ; 
And rather choose to keep dry shoes — 

The English public wouldn't.) 

Maidens were present, high-born dames, 

In phaeton, coach, and brougham, 
And other vehicles whose names 

I '11 mention when I know 'em. 
And fair-haired girls on horseback there, 

So soaked, and oh, so pretty ! 
With nought to wear except the bare 

Blank macintosh of pity. 



THE BOAT RACE. 

Blue, dark or light, on each man's tie, 

Blue on each lady's bonnet ; 
Blue everywhere, except the sky 

With leaden grey upon it. 
Blue on the harness horses shook, 

The oars of every sculler — 
Blue iu his look, who 'd made a book, 

And backed the Cambridge colour. 

For vainly Griffiths spurted strong, 

And showed his pluck and muscle, 
As side by side they raced along 

In that unequalled tussle. 
The grand slow stroke they never shift, 

The heir-loom of the Isis ; 
The boat's long "lift," that fatal gift, 

Saved Oxford at the crisis. 

And Bowman struggled all he knew, 

And didnt shame his nomen ; 
But showed himself superior to 

The usual run of bow-men. 
And Crowder crowded might and mass, 

And Carter proved no ninny ; 
And Tinne's brass — but let that pass, 

We won't make puns on Tinne. 



And Marsden managed well the crew 

That put their trust his skill in ; 
And Willan proved a good and true 

As well as "heavy \villa(i)n." 
They owe him much, but all the same 

As great to Wood their debt is, 
Since Wood by name, must be a flame 

Of $j^-«. footed Thetis. 

And Fisn of course propelled the bark 

As swimmingly as could be ; 
And Tottenham's steering (vain remark !) 

Was all that steering should be. 
And choice of place, seven times the case, 

And luck, and " lift," and leaven, 
And pluck, and pace, pulled off the race, 

Of eighteen sixty-seven. 

Yet fight brave Cantabs one and all, 

Nor let the light blue ribbons 
Distinguish a "decline and fall" 

Perhaps as great as Gibbon's. 
Hope, work, and wait, 'twon't be too late, 

When once again you 've striven, 
If sixty-eight reverse the fate 

Of eighteen sixty-seven. 




PROS AND CONS. 

he Government Reform 
Bill will put a stop to 
agitation, and settle 
the question perma- 
nently. 

The Government Re- 
form Bill will distract 
the country, open the 
door to renewed agi- 
tation, and do nothing 
to settle the question. 
The Government Re- 
form Bill will add no 
number worth speak- 
ing of to the existing 
constituencies. 

The Government Re- 
form Bill will swamp 
the middle class voters, 
with the ignorant, the 
venal, and the vicious. 
The Government Re- 
form Bill will open the 
franchise to all who 
are really anxious to 
possess it, while it 
excludes the vagrant and thoughtless residuum, who are unworthy of 
the suffrage, or careless about its acquisition. 

The Government Reform Bill will interpose invidious barriers 
between the franchise and the best of the working men. 

The Government Reform Bill will purify elections, and effectually 
prevent the corruption of the constituencies by electioneering 
agents. 

_ The Government Reform Bill will open the way to the most exten- 
sive manipulation of the constituencies by electioneering agents, and 
give an increased stimulus, a wider field, and greater facilities to bribery 
and corruption. 

The Government Reform Bill will gradually elevate the character of 
the constituencies, by an operation akin to natural selection. 

The Government Reform Bill will create a reserve of passion, igno- 
rance, and venality, to be resorted to whenever the public mind is 
excited on a great question. 

The Government Reform Bill is based on the great principle that 
two and two make four ; and is calculated to conduce to the greatest 
happiness of the greatest number, and will tend, on the whole, to 
make this best of all possible worlds considerably better. 

The Government Reform Bill proceeds on the assumption that two 
and two make five ; is calculated to sow dissension among classes, to 
perpetuate mischievous prejudices, and foster rankling animosities, 
and, if carried, by its operation will permanently lower the place of 
England among the nations of the world. 

Having extracted these conclusions from the debates on the Reform 
Bill, and having weighed the evidence in support of them, Mr. Punch 



finds it about equal, due regard being paid to the authority of the 
speakers and the force of their arguments. 

He concludes that neither they, nor he, nor anybody knows anything 
about the matter, or can form any opinion that deserves a moment's 
consideration how this or any other Reform Bill will work. 



BRITISH AND AUSTRALIAN BEEF. 

To Mr. Punch. 

Du S*. 

You always was a Consistent frend of the Pore, and I 've often 
Read with much Pleasure your frequent exposures of the unfort- 
nate Paupers' shameful small Allowance of Meat in Union Work- 
houses. 

Allow me to call your Notice to an Innivation as appears Calcilated 
to Redooce allso the Qualaty of that Article as supply'd to these pore 
creeters. 

There 's a certain secsion of the Society of Arts as calls itself the 
Comittee of Food for the People, and a Member of which has wrote a 
Letter to the Times statin that Fresh Beef from Australia is now to be 
ad at the contemptably ridiclus low price of Id. per lb. ! ! ! 

This stuff, which he purtends to be Prime, is packed in Tinns reddy 
cooked, thus savin the expense of Fewel, and without Bone, which 
makes it still more Dirt cheap than olesome good old English beef at a 
Shillin. 

I do ope, Mr. Punch, that you will ixert your Powerfull Pen to 
pretect the apless Paupers from avin their poor Pityance of Beef, 
all they ever gets, sitch as it is, substituted for Australian Meat. I 
assure you, Sir, 'tis this only Feelin for them, and Hanxiety on their 
Account, what indooces me to Trubel you with this .Comunication. 
Don't for a moment Imagine I 'm at all afeared that the Australian 
Carron at Jd. a lb. will Hever cum into competicion with the Beef as a 
respectable Butcher suplies the British Public with at prizes summit 
like sootable to Food for Human consumpteon. With which I remane, 

Yours truly, Bltje Sueplice . 



Reassuring Intelligence. 

There is now no doubt that the King of Prussia will go to Paris 
to see the Great Exhibition. We believe we may state that arrange- 
ments have been concluded for a pacific demonstration to be conjointly 
made in public by King William and Napoleon the Third. At a 
fete which is to be given in the Place de la Concorde, their Majesties 
will amuse themselves and entertain the spectators with a game of 
see-saw— the King seated at one end of a plank, and the Emperor at 
the other, in exact equilibrium, to symbolise the balance of power in 
Europe. 

" THE right man," etc. 

The application of this ancient saying, positively for the last time, 
was irresistible on reading that in the Oxford boat the Bow was 
Mr. Bowman. 




PUNCH'S PHYSIOLOGY OF COURTSHIP.-No. 6. 

The above Sketch is dedicated to our faithful Allies, the Germans and the French, and is intended to pacify such 
of them as may have felt Aggrieved by Cuts III. and V. of this Physiological Series. 

We have here endeavoured to typify our own National Mode of Courtship in a manner true to modern English 
Life and Manners, and at the same time pleasing to the Foreigner, whom we would fain Conciliate. 

Lord the Honourable Sir Brown (Eldest Son of the Lord Mayor) is making, in the Cold and Formal Fashion of his 
Compatriots, a Declaration of his Sentiments to a young Miss, Daughter of a Duke residing in the immediate vicinity. 

The Scene is Smithfield (or. Smitfield, or Schmittfeld, as you like), that habitual Resort of the Wealthy, the 
Frivolous, and the Proud. A little to the Left may be perceived a Church Dignitary in a fit of the Spleen disposing 
of his Wife, for Ready Cash, to a Field-Marshal — sad, but only too frequent Kesult of our insular Incompatibility 
of Temper. 

In the Background are represented some of our Brutal Amusements, such as a Prize-fight, and the Cooking of the 
Lord Mayor's Dinner. Further back, St. Paul's and the Tower of London are to be seen. We regret we have not 

SPACE FOR THE " Til AMES TuNEL" AND THE " PALAIS DE VhITEHALL." SOME OTHER TIME, PERHAPS. 



THE BULL THEY WOULDN'T EIGHT. 

A New Spanish Ballad. 

There was royal sport and gentle as in Spain was ever seen, 
And ball and horse they ran their course and died before the Queen. 
All red with blood of man and beast was that arena sand, 
A goodly sight to set before a Queen of Christian land. 

The Last of all the Bourbons — the rest have ceased to reign — 

Sat gazing, and around her sat the chivalry of Spain, 

The titular Francisco smiled weakly near her chair, 

And Asturia's Prince Alfonso, and all the Court were there. 

Full many a savage soldier, full many a bigot priest 

Looked on with glee, well pleased to see that strife of man and beast, 

And yet some cruel Coup d'Etat the soldier held more sweet, 

Some Act of Faith, (0, if we dared !) the priest had deemed more meet. 

He falls— lie falls ! Well rushed, thou bull ! Well held, thou steady 

blade. 
What joy, for twice three mangled steeds around the corse are laid ! 
Now, drag the gallant brute away, the dying horses drag, 
Fresh sand, fresh steeds— another bull, before our transports flag. 

" Whence comes the next, my Minister? " Queen Isabella said. 
Narvaez bent his scowling brow, and hardly turned his head : 



" An Island Bull, I fancy, but he only comes to bleed : 

For years I 've seen small fighting pluck in bull of English breed." 

A laugh went round to every lip, a scoff to every eye. 
" We '11 see," said Don Diego, " how a Protestant can die." 
Answered the sneer Don Carlos, " 'Twould lend his pluck a lift, 
If one dared to wave before him Patrocinio's holy shift." 

Lo ! parts the door, a thunder roar, a Form of terror springs — 
And every dame of honour to a husband (some one's) clings : 
The blinded horses shudder, and at bridles wildly pull — 
And in the thronged arena stands in wrath the English Bull. 

Full quick, I ween, from crowd and Queen has passed each thought of 

scorn ; 
Who thinks to tame that glance of flame — who dares that iron horn ? — 
" By Santiago," hissed the King, " there 's danger in that eye, 
Methinks the Escurial safer." Don Francisco went to try. 

But see, in darkness some have dared to wound the island hide — 
Two barbed darts, with legends, they have stuck in either side. 
One bears the name of her who holds Gibraltar's rock in gage, 
And one inscribed " Tornado," fitting emblem of his rage. 

They have roused him to an anger that speaks in thunder-tones — 
The champion who shall front mm now will make no aged bones. 
But wholwill dare to front him— the arena 's in a stew — 
And picador and matador have scrambled out of view P 



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April 27, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



173 



The Bourbon blood has rushed in flame to that proud lady's face, 
" Is there no Man about me who will save us this disgrace ? 
Is yon the beast, the Protestant, at whom ye hurled disdain ? 
Narvaez, take a lance and horse, and charge for me and Spain. 

Narvaez bent his scowling brow, and hardly turned his head— 
" And if I do may I be saved," the angry soldier said— 
" I 'm awfully determined when I 've twenty men to one, 
Or when I 've got to decimate a troop without a gun. 

" But if I 'm asked to grapple, Queen, with that tremendous beast, 
My only answer is that I don't see it in the least. 
By Jove, he stoops, he means to charge fence, rail, and gallery through, 
I just remember I 've some work at home that I must do." 

Again that haughty English Bull he raised his dreadful roar- 
It sounded just a trifle more revengeful than before — 
It might have been, a trifle less irate than it appeared, 
But ere its echoes died away the theatre was cleared. 

And in the unlaved undergarb of her fanatic nun, 

The Queen hath sworn to interdict, in future, dangerous fun : 

Narvaez more profanely swears his folly's cup was full, 

The day he dared on Spaniards scared to bring the English Bui 1 . 



NEARLY IN A HOLE. 



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:"} 






herb is news from Havti to 
the effect that the rebels, un- 
like the Fenians, have shown 
pluck, and have attacked the 
President. But they came to 
grief. The gallant Geoffrard 
put himself at the head of some 
soldiers, and dashed out upon 
the insurgents ; their leaders fell, 
and between the charge of the 
President, and the fire of his 
artillery, the revolters were very 
considerably cut up. We under- 
stand that as soon as this became 
known to certain members of 
the Jamaica Committee, they 
held an indignation meeting, 
and were about to insist that 
one of their number should 
interrogate the Government, and 
demanu whether England could 
not interfere to prevent such 
chastisement being inflicted on 
men with black skins. Luckily, 
just as the notice of the question had been drawn up, a little boy from 
school, who had accompanied! his father to the meeting, exclaimed, 
"But the President of Hayti is 'as black as your hat, papa, and 
olacker, and so are all his soldiers." On reference to Mr. Charles 
Knight's Cyclopadia, the child's statement was confirmed, and the 
meeting separated in some haste, but still abusing the Shropshire 
Magistrates and Mr. Stephen. 




" MASKS AND PACES " IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. 

We understand that Mr. Disraeli is at present taking lessons of 
the clever German artist in faces, Herr Ernst Schultz, with a view 
to the more effective simultaneous presentation in Parliament of the 
two sides of his face as the Advanced Radical and the Old Tory. 

Herr Schultz's own exhibition of his face under the divided 
empire of joy and sorrow has hitherto been considered the chef d'ceuvre 
of physiognomical versatility, but he declares that Mr. Disraeli's 
power of looking the Democrat with the left side of the face, and the 
Aristocrat with the right, quite surpasses anything he can himself 
achieve. 

Herr Schultz reports most favourably of the pliability of his dis- 
tinguished pupil's muscles, and of his extraordinary range and readiness 
in the assumption of character. 



To Bad Boys. 

See what your end may be. A Paper in a Scientific Magazine has 
this awful heading, " Skeleton of the Purple Urchin." Take warning 
and be good, and avoid the jam cupboard. 



Just Like Him.— Old Singleton savs that he only knows of one 
thing better than a Wedding Present— a Wedding Absent. 



A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE GAS REFORM BILL. 

The brilliancy of Mr. Punch's wit is of quite sufficient radiance to 
illuminate his office, and Mr. Punch is therefore forced to burn but 
little gas. Still, in the interest of his readers, that is, the nation gene- 
rally, he desires to see the best gas supplied at the least price that can 
possibly be charged for it. As gas does not grow wild, some people 
have to make it, and these persons have an inclination to be paid for it. 
If a scheme could be devised for growing sunbeams out of cucumbers, 
gas might be dispensed with, and bottled sunshine take its place. But 
unluckily at present bottled sunshine is all moonshine, and of all 
invented substitutes the cheapest light is gas. 

Being therefore well-nigh a necessity of life, it is not very wonderful 
that gas should now and then be talked about by people who say they 
cannot get it — at least of a good quality, and at a fair price. Their 
talk having at length come both to the ears and the hear ! hear ! 's of 
the House, the present Government, although Conservative, has intro- 
duced what, in one sense, may be called a liberal measure, to reduce 
the price and regulate the quality of gas. One may call the measure 
liberal, for it would liberally distribute all the gain in making gas 
among those who consume it, an arrangement which the latter would 
doubtless find convenient. Unhappily the Bill has little chance of 
being passed, because in England there are still old-fangled notions 
about honesty, and Parliament is not yet quite prepared to legalise 
sheer theft. This may sound an ugly word, but it may be made use of 
on the faith of the Times newspaper, a journal which is not accustomed 
to mis-state matters, and which regards the Gas Bill as being without 
precedent, in this country at all events, as " an act of confiscation." 
The Bill proposes to upset two previous Acts of Parliament, on the 
faith of wnicli large sums have been invested in gas companies, which 
will virtually be ruined if the measure becomes law. Listen, Sir 
Stafford Northcote, to what the Times says of your child : — 

" No doubt, it is '.very desirable that "London should have good gas, and that it 
should have it as cheap as it can profitably be made ; but it is not desirable, because 
it is grossly unjust, that these ends should be obtained at the sacrifice of pledged 
faith and the rights of individuals. There is no way to obtain a commodity so 
cheaply as to steal it, and this is what the Bill of the Metropolitan Board proposes to 
do with the gas." 

John Bull wishes for cheap gas, but hardly, one would think, at 
such a dirty price as this. Of course, if Parliament breaks faith with 
gas-makers, it may with railway shareholders, or investors in the 
funds. 

Without alleging that the Companies have failed in fulfilling their 
contract with the public, the Gas Bill coolly cuts down the dividends 
allowed them, and thus virtually repudiates the contract with the 
Companies which Parliament has made. People who petition in favour 
of the measure might with equal justice petition for an Act to reduce 
the Three per Cents, or to confiscate the Times, or Punch, or any other 
private property, with the simple view of pocketing the money thereby 
gained. Anybody who has sixpence, or any larger sum, invested in 
the funds, or in any English railway or other trading company, will 
find his property depreciated if Parliament once pass an Act of confis- 
cation, such as that which now the Board of Works is smuggling 
through the House. Mr. Punch, then, as perhaps the richest commoner 
in England, with all his heart "says ditto" to this protest of the 
Times : — 

" We must protest agaiust the first instance in our legislation of a deliberate 
proposal to confiscate private property without compensation for the supposed 
benefit of the public. It must be remembered that property is none the less private 
because it is absorbed in a vast Company, and that public faith is none the less 
sacred because it is pledged to an impersonal corporation. The former consideration 
does, indeed, suggest a peculiar point of cruelty which would be inflicted by any 
such measure as the present. A Company may seem a scarcely sentient body, but 
it is composed of individuals who have often staked their fortunes and the happiness 
of themselves and their families on the security of their investments. Where they 
have done this on an open risk, they must be prepared to take all consequences ; 
but where they have only made a prudent investment on what seemed almost a 
Parliamentary title, it would be a cruel and unpardonable injustice if Parliament 
were itself to confiscate their property. Moreover, nothing will be gained in the 
end by violating any such public pledge. No Metropolitan Board wiU ever super- 
sede the necessity of joint-stock enterprise, and joint-stock enterprise will receive a 
fatal blow in the day when the public, for selfish interests, violate legislative engage- 
ments into which they have deliberately entered." 

Hearing this, Sir Stafford, you surely will be wise' if you reform 
your Gas Reform Bill, before you ask the House to pass it. All the 
railway-men and fundholders of course will vote against it, for, if the 
measure passes, their turn may come next. English capital will fly 
abroad for safe investments, if faith in English, Acts of Parliament be 
lost. Depend on it," Sir Stafford, the subject of your Gas Bill requires 
further light on it, before you ask your colleagues to flare up in its 
defence. If gas reform be needed, prepare an honest measure, and 
Mr. Punch will pass it for you with abundant pleasure : but he will not 
lend his aid to any " act of confiscation," though all tne vestrymen of 
Bumbleland were to bray and bellow at him for refusing them his help. 



Householders who " Compound." — Druggists. 



174 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 27, 1867. 




HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

{Married and Settled.) 

Poetical and Happy Thought. — " We met, 'twas in a crowd, and I 
thought she would shun me ; " but she didn't. 

We are alone : in the Conservatory. I don't know what I am 
talking about. My slightest sentences are intended by me to be preg- 
nant with tender meaning. She doesn't see it. I say I could stop 
here (in the Conservatory) for ever. Of course " with you " is to be 
understood. She answers laughingly that she couldn't. " With you." 
I say it. (Nuisance, when I want a soft tone I only get a gruff 
whisper.) " Had we not better return to the drawing-room ? " she 
suggests. A few minutes more. 

Happy Thought. — Call the Conservatory a Paradise. 

Wish I hadn't, as, in calmer moments, I reject the simile. " Will you 
give me that flower ? " I don't know its name. She gives it to me. 

Happy Thought. — Detain her hand. 

Happier Thought. — She doesn't withdraw it. 

Happy Thought. — " Fridoline ! " I have her permission to call her 
Fridoline. ****** 

Happy Thoughts ! Happy Thoughts ! ! Happy Thoughts ! ! ! 

I think I am speaking : she speaks : we speak together. A pause. 

Oh,' for one Happy Thought, now.* * * 

" May IP" Her head is turned away from me : slightly. She does 
not move. " I may ? " 

Happy Thought. — I do. 

We really must go back to the drawing-room. She will return first. 
I will follow presently. " Once more, before we separate ? " 

Happy Thought. — Once more ! 

She is gone. I am alone, among the geraniums, in the Conservatory. 

I can only say, " Dear girl," in confidence to the geraniums. It 
seems I have nothing else to say. I am stupified. I will go out into 
the garden. Cold night : refreshing. Smile at the stars. Is it all 
over at last ? Odd : stars beautiful. Everything is lovely. 

Happy Thought. — Go in and brush my hair. 

Enter the drawing-room. Feel as if I was coming in with a secret. 
Fridoline at the piano. Milburd wants to know rudely enough 
where the dickens I 've been to. I despise him, now. He is harmless. 

Happy Thought— -Talk to old Mrs. Symperson. 

Fridoline having finished playing, comes to sit down by her Mamma. 
Old ;Mr. Symperson is dozing over a book. I should like to kneel 



down with Fridoline before them at once, pull his book away, to 
wake him up, and say she is mine. I am so full of indistinct Happy 
Thoughts that I find it very difficult to keep up a conversation. She 
asks me to look over that dear old photograph book again, with her. 
Milburd wants to join us : she sends him away. 

At night in my room. — Try to write Typical Developments. Can't. 
Everything 's Fridoline. Try to make notes : all Fridoline. Can't 
get to sleep. Relight my candle. Wonder how asking the parents' 
consent is done. Must do it. Put out my candle. Fridoline. * * * 

Morning. — We are down before anybody else, and out in the garden. 
How easy it is to talk now. We have got one common object in view. 
A propos, here comes Milburd. Fridoline sends him indoors for her 
garden-hat. Poor Milburd ! As to parents' consent, Fridoline 
must tell Mamma at once. No difficulties : they 're so fond of her. 
I am independent of every one : even my mother. Should like to in- 
troduce Fridoline to my mother. * * * * 

1st Day. — Old Symperson procrastinates : Mrs. Symperson our 
friend and ally. 

2nd Day.— Old Symperson bothered. Why can't he say " Yes," and 
have done with it. 

3rd Day. — Mrs. Symperson says that her husband is going to cut 
short their stay at Byng's. What does this mean ? 

Uh Day. — Byng tells me that old Symperson has been talking to 
him about me. I confide in Byng. Byng agrees with me, " Why 
doesn't the old boy " (meaning old Mr. Symperson) " say yes, and 
have done with it ? " 

Byng has great weight with old Mr. Symperson. 

End of the Week.— 016. Mr. Symperson says "Yes," and has done 
with it. 

Mrs. Symperson ; begins to deprecate any haste. Mr. and Mrs. 
Symperson having both said " yes," do not seem to have done with 
it at all. Isn't it sudden ? Do we know our own minds ? 

This is infectious. I find Fridoline asking me, "Are you certain 
you know your own mind ? " " Certain ! " I exclaim. I can only 
exclaim, having no words equal to the occasion. 

" Will you always love me ? Never be sorry for " * * * * 

Happy Thought. Preven^her saying any more for the present. 

Being released, she says, " But seriously " 

Happy Thought. — Another penalty. 

No more doubts. 

Happy Thought.— Go and buy presents for different people. Write 
to my mother. Fridoline says I must go and see her. The 



April 27, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



175 



Sympersons, when I leave, will go home. Then I am to come with my 
mother, and spend a week or so with them. 

Happy Thought.— Romeo and Juliet. " To part is such sweet sorrow 
that—" forget the rest— but think it's something about not going 
home till morning? Don't care what it is now. Hang Typical De- 
velopments. Bother note-books. 

My mother is a dear old lady. She is much given to tears. She 
always cries when she sees me ; she always has done so, ever since I 
can recollect, and she invariably cries when I go away. If I talk to 
her on any subject for more than a quarter of an hour, she is sure to 
cry. I find her at home, and well. She is delighted to see me, and of 
course, cries. Where have I been ? What have I been doing ? I tell 
her that I have been enjoying myself very much lately, and as to health, 
have never been better. This'.intelligence sends her off again, and she 
weeps copiously. When she is calm again, I open the important 
subject, gradually, so as not to startle her. Had I told her that I had 
been ordered off to instant execution, she couldn't have been more 
overcome. It brings back her happiest days ; old memories ; loving 
young faces ; kindly words ; trustful looks ; passed | away, gone. We 
are silent : gazing on the fire. I follow her in her retrospect. I am 
the last of all to her. A portrait hangs upon the wall : I have often as 
a boy heard her say how strong the likeness is between us. From it 
she turns to me and takes my hand in hers. 

" My dearest Mother ! " 

She has done with retrospect, and is looking, trustfully, into the 
future. 

" God bless you, my dear. I am sure you have chosen well : I hope 
you will be very happy." 

******** 

Happy Thought. — Solicitor done with altogether. Everything settled. 
My mother has taken to Fridoline immensely, and Fridoline to her. 
Old Boodels writes to say, he '11 be delighted to be best man on the 
occasion, and has actually postponed the dragging of his pond, which 
was to have been done on the very day of my wedding. 

Mr. and Mrs. Plyte Fraser are coming. 

Milburd, it is arranged, is to be very funny at the breakfast. This 
intelligence makes him very stupid for the next few days. 

Happy Thought. — My things have come home from the tailors in time. 

Happy Thought. — Look over the Marriage Service. Get it up so as 
to know when to say " I will" and " I do," or whatever it is. 

Happy Thought. — The ring. 

It is arranged that we take a tour on the Continent for six weeks. 
At the end of that time the old folks will join us. Where ? 

Happy Thought.— Paris. Exhibition. 

Byng will join us there, too : so will Milburd. Boodels would, 
only about that time he 's asked a few friends down to drag the pond, 
and " He can't," he says, " very well'put them off again ? Can he ? " 

In the Summer we shall come back to England. Little place on the 
Thames, where I tell Frldoline I'll teach her to sniggle for eels, 
and when she 's tired of that, she shall dibble. 

Happy Thought. — Summer night : under the placid moon : together : 
in a punt : dibbling. 

Happy Thought. — Take the cottage before I leave England. We go 
down, a party of us, and visit the little cottage, next door to the astro- 
nomer's, who used to tell me all about Jupiter. 

Fridoline and I walk in the garden while the old folks manage the 
business for us. 

At the end of the garden runs the river higher than usual, it being 
winter time. There are two strong poles stemming the tide and fixed 
by a chain to the bank. 

Between them is fastened a punt. In it sits a man wrapped up : he 
is fishing. He turns his left eye towards us ; we recognise each other 
at a glance. I have but one question.for him : 

" Caught anything ? " 

Back comes his answer as of old, 

" Nothing." 

It is half a year since I last saw him in the same place, in the same 
punt, with the same rod, and the same answer. 1 wonder if he is 
married ? Or going to be ? 

Fridoline is charmed with the place. So am I. So are we all. 

The Day after to-morrow is coming. 

The Bay.— Wake up. Something's going to happen. What? I 
know : I 'm going to be married. Hope I haven't overslept myself. 
Bother breakfast. Byng and Milburd come in with stupid old 
jokes about " the wretched man partook of a hearty meal," " the 
wretched man thanked Mr. Jonas, the governor of the gaol, for all his 
kindness," and pretend to treat me as a condemned criminal. Every- 
body supematurally cool for half-an-hour. Everybody suddenly in a 
hurry and becoming doubtful as to the time " by their watches." 

At last. 

The Church. I can hardly see anyone, at least to distinguish them. 
If left to myself I should find myself leading a Bridesmaid to the altar, j 
Everyone appears to be dressed like everyone else. All gloves and ; 
flowers. Gentlemen in difficulties with their hats. I laugh at some- 
thing somebody says : I oughtn't to laugh. Nobody seems to recollect i 



that we are in a Church, or rather in the vestry. The Clergyman, a 
youngish-looking man, but middle-aged, dashes himself suddenly into 
a long surplice, and looks round defiantly, as much as to say, " Come 
on, I 'm ready for any number of you." The Clerk says something to 
him in a whisper, and he replies also in a whisper. An idea crosses 
my mind that the Clerk is starting some objection to the ceremony at 
the last moment. It is all right, however. The Clerk takes charge of me ; 
I surrender myself to him, as also, very mildly, do Byng and Milburd. 

This is the last thing I notice. 

The Clergyman is saying something to me at the rails. I don't 
know what I am saying to the Clergyman. I brought a book, but 
somebody's taken it, or it 's in my hat. I am helpless : the Clergyman 
does with me just what he likes : tells me what to say, and I say it ; 
tells me what to do and I do it, and go on doing it, with a vague sense 
of annoyance at seeing Byng's hat on the cushion, and at feeling that 
Byng is no sort of help to me in an emergency of this sort. The cere- 
mony is disturbed by suppressed sobs. It is my mother, in a pew. 
Old Mr. Symperson doesn't refuse (as'I had some idea he would at 
the last moment) to give Fridoline away to me, and so I take her for 
" better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us do part," and as 
nobody steps out (I had also expected that this would happen at 
i the last moment) to stop the proceedings, I and Fridoline are man 
! and wife. 

Happy Thought. — Married. No more Happy Thoughts. (I don't 
mean that.) Yes, one. 

Last Happy Thought*— Send "Happy Thoughts" to Punch. 



TO LYDIA. 

Impromptu Complimentary on seeing her new India-Rubber Ear. 

Lydia hath a mimic ear. 

Truth to tell 'tis very tiny ; 
Cast in caoutchouc so queer, 

But pink as shell of Ocean briny. 
Envy pale may frowning chide, 

Lydia, whom th' elastic pleases, 
In comfort takes her morning ride, 

With lobes that feel no nipping breezes. 
Lydia hath a mimic ear, &c. 



-he 



Lydia's lisping lover burns 

To kiss her crimson cheek so sweet- 
Marvels deeply when she turns 

A cold deaf ear to his entreaty. 
But let none scorn Lydia's taste 

Who whisper nonsense ev'ry minute, 
An auricle composed of paste 

Is worth a thousand vows breathed in it. 
Lydia hath a mimic ear, &c. 



POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE OF THE CHIGNON. 

Mr. Punch, Sir, 

I am no alarmist, nor do I exercise prophetic powers, yet 
were I not to raise a warning voice at this momentous crisis, I should 
deem myself criminally negligent in discharging my duty to my fellow- 
men. Sir, a straw will show in which direction the wind sets : so will 
a single hair. It is a remarkable fact that the desire for female en- 
franchisement, which is now so widely prevalent, dates from the intro- 
duction of the chignon. Ver. sap. Beauty and fashion are reciprocally 
bound by capillary ties. They have formed a League, whose motto is 
" United we conquer." 

Sir, I cannot help feeling — call it, if you please, a pardonable weak- 
ness — overshadoioed by the mystic symbol above alluded to. It seems 
by its appalling magnitude, deliberately designed to make those who 
are shut out from its lofty privileges, painfully conscious of their 
manly insignificance. In plain language, it tells us miserable male 
creatures — to hide our diminished heads. Here then is a casus belli, 
and on behalf of the weaker sex I claim belligerent rights. It is 
terrible to think of reverting to the perukes of our ancestors, but, Sir, 
this is a matter affecting the supremacy of the crown. If one section 
of society will persist in throwing out bastions and horn-works, another 
section (forming the complement of the fashionable circle) is justified 
in restoring the round towers to which our great grandsires so tena- 
ciously clung. Sooner or later, Sir, up to the citadel of Thought we 
shall be compelled in self-defence to drag that monster artillery which 
the historical Wigs of Louis Quatorze are so well adapted to supply. 
I am not a peace man at any price, and therefore should not hesitate, 
if put on my mettle, to employ even powder to render our common 
dignity unapproachable and secure. 

Sir, these are my sentiments, and in taking up this hostile position, 
I look, with confidence to your powerful columns for support. 

Nobsworlh. Guy Frizzle. 



176 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 27, 1867. 




A PLUTOCRAT. 

Swell. "'D YOU OBLIGE ME — AH— BY SHUTTING YOUR "WINDOW ? — AH " 

Second Passenger (politely). " Really, Sir, if you will not Press it, as yours is Shut, the Air is so "Warm I would 

RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SlR •" 

Swell. " Care of myself ! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear Fel-lah, if you 'd Six Thousand a Ye-ar ! ! " 



THE PITH OF A PETITION. 

" It was mentioned some weeks back that a memorial from Mr. Wilkinson, the 
late manager of the Joint-Stock Discount Company, for a free pardon, on the ground 
of wrongful conviction, had been sent to the Home Office. This having been unsuc- 
cessful, a memorial on his behalf has now been prepared, which has received the 
signatures of a large body of the leading merchants of London. The list includes 
several of the principal bankers and the representatives of the most solid city firms 
wholly unconnected with speculative operations, and who would be the last persons 
in the world to feel any sympathy with persons rightly convicted of crime. . . . 
From the first every one conversant with city business has felt that the character of 
the prisoner during his whole previous life, in which he had always been accustomed 
to large dealings in money, coupled with the fact that in the Joint-Stock Discount 
Company he might have appropriated a hundred thousand pounds or more, had he 
been so minded, and this in a way to render punishment impossible, throws com- 
plete improbability on the idea that in a matter of £860 he would have run the risk 
of penal servitude, as well as of leaving his large family in utter destitution . . . 
Certain it is, that such is the belief in his personal honesty, that if he were free 
to-raorrow he would find a large number of the best people in the city ready to 
trust him as heretofore, so far as the absence of any fear of intentional misappro- 
priation might be concerned." — Times City Article, Tuesday. 

Please, Secretary Walpole, let Freeling Wilkinson out, 

Of bis respectability we can't entertain a doubt. 

The faith that his Directors placed in him knew no bounds, 

And he might easily have taken a hundred thousand pounds. 

Then how can we believe he took a paltry four thousand eight hundred ? 

We submit it stands to reason he didn't bone, only blundered. 

And as blunders will happen, &c, (the proverb holds all the world o'er,) 

Pronounce him not guilty, and we 've no doubt he won't do it any more. 



A Wedding Gift. 

Are you'about to have the marriage knot tied ? Are you on the eve 
of forming new ties by marriage ? Are you going to be spliced ? You 
will find all the information you can possibly require in " The Book of 
Knots, illustrated by 172 Examples, showing the manner of making 
every knot, tie and splice." Read it, and make an example of yourself. 



STRIKE AWAY, TAILORS ! 

Strike away, tailors, you won't hurt me, 
Nothing care I how dear clothes may be ; 
Being provided with store of slops, 
Purchased in detail at divers shops. 

Coat, fitting well enough, here I chose — 
There got a waistcoat— compile my clothes ; 
Look to economy more than show — 
Trousers obtained at a third depot. 

Strike away, tailors ; I know not when 
I shall have on a new suit again ; 
Never, I think, till in one arrayed 
Not by the hand of a tailor made. 

Eagerly longing I here remain, 
Longing for many good things in vain, 
Good things for money that come at call, 
Longing for proper dress least of all. 

Therefore these garments will long endure - 
Long as my life in this world, I 'm sure, 
Though ten years older I live to be. 
Strike away, tailors, you won't hurt me ! 



Legal Observance of Lent. 

The Ritualists will be shocked to hear that on Monday last week 
the Lord High Chancellor of England had the Lord Chief 
Justice, the Judges, and the other legal officers, including the Queen s 
Counsel, to breakfast with him. Of course the Lord Chancellor s 
breakfast-party included the Master of the Rolls. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. M, Holtord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the Ooonty ot Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans 4 Co. Lombard 
Street, in the Precincl of Whiteu-iars, in the City of London, and PnbUshed by him at No. 84, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-8*ioai)Ai , April 27, 1867. 



PUNCH, 



NOVELTY FOR THE NAVY. 
Letter from a Pod-Captain. 




LONDON CHARIVARI. 



177 



t.Ok 



uncii, old Boy,— This 
is the day of the 
Volunteer Review at 
Dover. At least yes- 
terday was the day : 
forgive the inaccu- 
racy, but somehow 
from circumstances, 
over which I had no 
control, I have got a 
little muddled as to 
dates. As the present 
Mrs, William Hatly 
(nee Miss Black- 
eyed Susan) used to 
say to me, " Captain, 
you 've had some- 
thing stronger than 
welch-rarebit," and 
last night, such, my 
dear Sir, was, I regret 
to say, the case. A 
case, in fact, of 
wine. 

This statement, 
honourable as it may 
appear to be to all 
concerned, is not, in 
point of fact, in any 
way connected with 
the subject of my 
letter to you. 

Dover has super- 
seded Brighton. 

The Volunteers 
were intrusted with 
the duty of defend- 
This duty they discharged, as they did their 



ing the Castle from the attack by land and sea, 
cannon, admirably. 

Now, Sir, I have nothing to do with the land. The Military Volunteers are excellent in 
their way, but, permit me to observe, their way is not mine. I am ll.N., and when I 
was no higher than a small powder-monkey,. I was 
shipped on board the Leviathan. My proclivities are 
towards the sea; "the blue, the fresh, the ever free," 
as the song says. 

Here is my idea then, JFhy do tee not at once start a 
Volunteer Navy? Mind, that is what we shall want 
one of these days; and let people, instead of giving 
testimonials to one another, on the tickle-me-and-I '11- 
tickle-you principle, spend their money in rigging out 
some thorough sea-going vessels, beginning with 
Training Ships for amateur Sailors ? Why not, Sir,Volun 
teer Marines r Tell that to that branch of the service. 

Ships there are in plenty lying idle in dock, and 
costing us heaps of money to keep out of repair. Just 
sail about Portsmouth, as I've lately done, and see 
how many vessels there are in dock that might serve 
my present idea, and be of some use to Government, 
beyond the money they '11 ultimately fetch as firewood 
and old iron. 

Glad to see you any evening you like to drop in and 
talk the matter over in the Admiral Ben bow Tavern, 
(of which you only see the exterior in Scene 3), and 
so, Sir, farewell. 

I enclose my card. 

" Captain Crosstree is my name 




PROPOSED DEMONSTRATION OE THE EAIR UNREPRESENTED. 

The Executive Council of the National and Fashionable Association for the vindication of 

feminine rights to the enlightened but enslaved Enchantresses of England. 
Greeting. 

Ladies, Non-Electors ! 

It lias been asserted by timid men, both in place and out of place, that you 
to be trusted with that sweet thing in politics — the SutlVage ! 

Mark those words " not to be trusted," and inscribe them on your work-box cushions in 
pins with a peculiar point. 

The aspirations of beauty for electoral privileges are natural and noble. Breathe soft 
ye winds, and waft a sigh from Ltdia to the Poll ! 



Calumny whispers that you are too accessible 
to (lattery — that a handsome candidate would 
certainly be carried by a show of hands in 
ose gloves (sixes); that a knowledge of 
figures (not arithmetical) and a willingness to 
admire and praise them would supersede all 
other qualifications. 

Let such discreditable views be at once 
dissolved, and let Pall Mall have ocular demon- 
stration of your Spartan severity and scorn. 

Avoid agitation as you would a younger son. 

Exhibit no chignons, but let your demeanour 
be distinguished by a lofty, dignified and in- 
dependent air. 

Listen not to sophists, who tell you that 
beauty was born to be honoured and adored, nor 
weep if to secure a vote you lose a votary. 

By Order of the Council, 



Portia Portico, President. 



A PRESCRIPTION. 

(Suygested by the Easter Monday Review at Dover . ) 

Inventions we have seen brought out 

Sea-sickness for resisting, 
As tight the patient's loins about 

A leathern girdle twisting ; 

Or, better still, along his spine 

A bag of ice applyiug — 
'Tis Dr. Chapman's plan, not mine, 

And must be rather trying. 

When towards Albion peaceful France 
Across La Manche is stretching, 

These methods may afford a chance 
To o'er-reach over-retching. 

But if, when " V Empire e'est la Pair," 

And a fast boat the carrier, 
To keep out your sore-tossed Francais 

Hal de mer proves no barrier, 

What were it, should the day e'er come 

When, urged by force centrific, 
France should look in on us at home 

In fashion less pacific ? 

Should red-legged hosts pour o'er in shoals, 
We might require, to whack 'em, 

Something besides Old Neptune's rolls, 
With iron-clads to back 'em. 

Sick they would come, as sick come now 
French tourist and French trader ; 

But not as we treat them, I trow, 
We 'd physic the invader. 

What are the pangs of mal de mer — 
Though sore in French opinion — 

To those bred of that mal de terre — 
The itch for more dominion ? 

What cure for that, whose cancer grows, 
Whose proud-flesh still gets prouder, 

But, thrown in briskly, dose on dose, 
Quant, suff. of Dover's powder. 

And if to powder add we pills, 

If these the invader swallow — 
Treatment that either cures or kills — 

A course of steel should follow. 



Convertible Consonants. 

The celebrated toast of " The Three R.'s" has 
been hitherto understood to mean merely 
Reading, 'Kiting, and 'Rithmetic. It may now 
be proposed with reference to three Reformers. 
The three R.'s might be said to be Bright, 
Beales, and Bradlaiigu. You might also, of 
course, call Bright, Beales, and Bradlauih 
ree B.'s, or Birds of a Feather. 



VOi. HI. 



178 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 4, 1867. 




THE DEMAGOGUE'S DITTY. 

If you want to get your rights, 

There is no way like Jack Bright's. 
0, a monster demonstration never fails ! 

In your thousands march the streets. 

All the barriers your will meets 
Will go down before you just like Hyde Park rails. 

Tell the Government, for you 

Their Reform Bill will not do ; 
It is clogged with some conditions that are shabby. 

Let the House know what you mean. 

Go and fill the space between 
Charing-cross, boys, and the venerable Abbey. 

But you won't suppose, of course, 

I advise the use of force. 
Oh dear no ! but just a physical display, 

So imposing, and so grand, 

(I dare say you understand,) 
As to show them you intend to have your way. 

So good care be sure you take, 

Any windows not to break, 
I particularly hope you won't, throw stones. 

Pray don't fling dead dogs and cats 

At the proud aristocrats. 
I should weep if you broke anybody's bones. 



The Bright and Beales Junction. 

A political line, supposed to have been abandoned by 
its promoters last summer has been suggested as eligible 
for affording the shortest cut to Reform, by Mb.. Bright, 
at Birmingham. This line, of which the honourable gen- 
tleman appears to be one of the principal Directors, is the 
Hyde Park Railway. 



Porter. 



A Serious Undertaking. 

" We are informed," says the Pall Mall Gazette, " that 
the 'Evangelization Society' wishes 'to co-operate with 
Christian friends' who can assist it 'in opening fresh 
ground without interfering with existing efforts.' " If that 

Now, then, if you don't give over saying I hang Pictures just j is what they want, they had better apply to one of the 

like a R.A., I'll come down, and Punch your Head ! " | Cemetery Companies. 



THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON (ART). 



PEACE AGAINST PRESTIGE. 

To Monsieur Jacques Bonhomme. 

Monsieur, 

Certain scribes and spouters want you to go to war with 
Prussia about Luxemburg. They tell you that if you don't you will 
lose your prestige. Well ; suppose you do ? I shall say, Brother in 
calamity, come to my arms ! 

They are continually telling me that I have lost mine. Very possibly 
I have. I lost it, they say, because I wouldn't fight Prussia to prevent 
her from robbing Denmark of Schleswig-Holstein. What should I 
have got by an attempt at fighting Prussia with unconverted Enfields ? 
I don't know. Very likely a deuced good licking ; small addition, at 
any rate, to my prestige. But I know what I should have lost. I 
certainly should have lost many millions of money, and many thousands 
of men ; and might have had less prestige than none to show for 
them. 

Monsieur, the truth is, I can't afford to keep a prestige. Trying to 
do so has cost me above eight hundred millions sterling. I don't feel 
the loss of my prestige at all. If I have lost it, indeed, I should say 
that I feel better without it. What is prestige, after all ? The word is 
a piece of diplomatic and political slang. It is yours, and of course I 
need not tell you originally meant illusion caused by sorcery, or the 
effect of imagination. Prastigia means simply a trick. Prestige, even 
in its slang sense, is a word whose significance includes something 
illusory, deceptive ; somewhat, in fact, of humbug ; the humbug of the 
charlatau. It expresses a halo of renown, so to speak, which is more 
or less of the nature of moonshine. Who are they whom prestige 
chiefly influences ? The unreasoning and the impressible. 

What is the use of prestige, Monsieur ? It may make people who, if 
you had it not, would not regard you, mind what you say — for a time. 
But at last some people don't mind what you say, for all your pres- 
tige, and then you must either lose it or fight them— as the scribes and 
spouters are now instigating you to do, and tried to make me ; but 
they couldn't. Consequently, no doubt, people sometimes don't mind 



what I say to them — which they may live to repent. Their contempt 
does not hurt me ; they may despise me as much as they please so long 
as they leave me alone. At last, too probably, some of them will do 
something that I can't stand. Then, and not till then, I shall fight, 
and I shall fight with a will. By that means I shall get back my pres- 
tige fast enough ; in as far as 1 am able to win prestige by fighting. 

Monsieur, is prestige worth smashed skulls, shattered limbs, exen- 
terated bodies ? Is it worth driving thousands and thousands of men 
to death, to torture, to mutilation, and wretchedness for life ? And oh, 
Monsieur, is it worth the millions and millions of francs which, if you 
fight for it, you will have to pay for it ? 

Wait, like me, Monsieur, till you are menaced. You will have to 
wait a long time. Anybody would think twice, and more, before 
resolving to quarrel with such a great fellow as you. 

The scribes and the spouters will represent me to you as talking 
about prestige like the fox in the fable who had lost his tail. But in 
the first place, I don't know that I really have lost my prestige. Per- 
haps I am told so only to vex me. Besides, a fox's tail is a substantial 
thing, and prestige is another thing. It is not like any tail, except the 
tail of a comet, which is lighter than vapour and astonishes weak 
minds. Even if I were convinced that I actually had lost it, I would 
not afford my ill-wishers, who taunt me with its loss, the satisfaction 
of seeing me go about whining and blubbering — Boo-hoo-oo-ooo, I 've 
lost my prestige ! 

I intend, Monsieur, to limit my care about my prestige to the 
requisite provisions for making any who, on the presumption that. I 
have lost it, may think they can bully me, find out their mistake. 
Permit me to advise you to content yourself with practising the same 
moderation. 

In the hope of seeing and hearing less and less in future of that 
humbugging word, prestige, which I dislike as much as I do that other 
humbugging word, glory, I entreat you, Monsieur, to accept the 
assurance of my distinguished consideration. John Bull. 



An Old Joe and a New One. — The Shoemaker's Last. 



May 4, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR: 



179 




A STROKE OF BUSINESS. 

Village Hampden ("who with dauntless breast'" has undertaken, for sixpence, to keep off the other boys). "Ip any of yer wants to see 

WHAT WE'RE A PaINTIN' OF, IT 's A 'AlFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARn't MAKE NO REMARKS." 



SHALL LOVELY WOMAN VOTE ? 

Dear Mr. Punch at least I really do not know if I ought to call you 
a dear for I have not been introduced to you But if it be a liberty I 
dare say you will not mind it much especially when you see the photo- 
graph 1 send you for your album you dear thing and it is really not 
unlike me although cousin Charley says that photographs are always 
a libel on a lady They do well enougli for men of course for they have 
no complexions and besides it matters little how a man looks in an album 
because everyone of course looks only at the ladies ! 

But what I wished to say was that 1 really have no patience with you 
Mister Punch and I will tell you why Sir It is because you have not 
said a word about our having votes as that dear darling Mr. Mill quite 
advocates our doing or should I say our having ? I never can make 
out which is the proper verb to use in sentences of this sort Of 
course Sir as a champion of Lovely Woman Mr. Punch should have 
been foremost in backing Mr. Mill in his glorious crusade ! although I 
doubt if the word backing be a proper one precisely for a young lady to 
use but really cousin Charley teaches one such slang that like the 
princess in the story one drops an ugly word out before one is aware of 
it at least the princess I remember did not do that exactly for a toad is 
not a word excepting in the dictionary 

Now you cross old thing you really ought to say a word for us and 
help us to have votes as Mr. Mill proposes He is a clever man be- 
sides being a philosopher and has written a big book about logic 
Charley tells me and doubtless he can logically prove that ladies 
ought to vote because you know they ought and that is quite enough of 
logic for a lady ! Besides I 'm sure we are as competent to exercise 
the franchise is not that the proper phrase Sir? as chimney-sweeps 
and costermongers and all that sort of people who have very likely 
never been to school and have never even heard the name of Magna 
Charta What can they know about Government I should like to know 
and when people begin talking of their right to Manhood Suffrage as 
Charley says they call it I think that Womanhood Suffrage should in 
logic be conceded. 



You may say that Lovely Woman has enough to do at home in 
minding her own business and sewing on her husband's buttons to say 
nothing of the far more important avocation of ordering his dinners 
But this argument might surely be applied with equal justice to the 
lords of the creation as they are vain enough to style themselves Do 
men of business never neglect it at election time ? And pray will you 
contend that only idle men should vote because busy men have quite 
enough to do in minding their own business without bothering their 
braius about the business of the nation? 

Another reason Charley tells me why a woman must not vote is 
that she would be so amenable to bribery Now this I do call mean in 
any man to sav ! As if men voters were so pure and super-humanly 

immaculate ! But Charley says a woman's vote might be bought 

no I '11 say biassed by the offer of an opera-box or the gift o> a new 
bonnet and considerably influenced by the mere fact that a candidate had 
a handle to his name or that a canvasser was known to Bod or rode iu 
Rotten Row or wore a blush-rose in his button-hole But pray Sir are 
men voters never biassed by small matters when they exercise their 
franchise ? Do Lancaster electors always turn in holy horror from an 
offered ten-pound-note which is about the price of one of Mr. Gye's best 
boxes ? Are Yarmouth bloaters I mean voters always virtuously indig- 
nant if treated upon polling-days to a pint or two of beer which is as 
tempting to their taste as a new bonnet to a woman ? 

Of course I do not mean to argue that a lady if she voted might not 
think it right at times to be guided by appearances— ¥ or instance I can 
fancy that if women had the franchise a pair of handsome whiskers might 
sometimes head the poll and a candidate who had his tail coats cut by 
Poole might by the favour of the ladies defeat a dowdy dresser But 
you surely are gallant enough to grant that this slight weakness ought 
not to deprive us of our right to give a vote ! Just consider Mr. Punch 
what a splendid spectacle our Parliament would be if the Members 
were elected by virtue of their beauty ! What a struggle there would 
be to get into the House if M.P. meant Pretty Man and were accepted 
in society as a feminine certificate that the bearer was one of the half 
a thousand handsomest of handsome fellows in Great Britain ! Certainly 
if ladies were to vote and were to let their votes be biassed by their 



180 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 4, 1867. 



natural predilection for masculine good looks I think the ughes arid the 
dowdies would find it small use to canvass for a seat and as none but the 
Narcissuses would ever be elected the House of Commons would become 
the House of the Uncommons ! 

Craving your assistance to dear darling Mr. Mill in getting us our 
votes I beg to sign myself 

Your constant reader and wellicisher 

SopnosisBA Smith. 

PS Charley says that Mr. Mill wants to call the ladies 
"persons" in Lord Derby's Reform Bill! But I don't one bit 
believe him for no gentleman would dream of using such coarse language 
when speaking of a woman ! It is probably a misprint in some stupid 
penny paper Perhaps he meant to urge that parsons should have votes 
and I confess I think they should 

PPS You are musical I know— ugly people always are— and I dare 
say you remember the old ballad called the "The Maid of the Mill" 
and I think it would do nicely as a parody for one of your young poets 



THE HALBERTON FARMERS FRANTIC. 

E are afraid that the 
Rev. Canon Girdle- 
stone, by his ellbrts to 
improve the condition 
of the agricultural la- 
bourers of bis parish, 
has exasperated the 
farmers of Halberton. 
On Monday last week, 
at the Annual Vestry 
Meeting, over which 
the Canon presided, 
there was a large gath- 
ering of those gentle- 
men who came there 
determined to try and 
prevent him from elect- 
ing, as usual, one 
of the two church- 
wardens. The Times 
says that : — 

" la the course of the proceedings, which were of a very noisy character, the 
Canon was fiercely attacked by several of the farmers, who complained that he had 
been the means of removing labourers from the parish, and that he had not fairly 
represented the wages question One gentleman, Mr. Pearce, who came from a 
neighbouring parish to hive a ' go ' at the Kev. Gentleman, said he was not the 
good shepherd ' who gatuered the lambs to his bosom,' but ' one of those hirelings 
who scattered the flock.'" 

Interference between the lambs and their shearers appears to have 
constituted the offence really given to Mr. Pearce and his compeers 
by Canon Girdlestone. A good shepherd, in their estimation, is 
one who brings his lambs up to be shorn. Such a person as Canon 
Girdlestone is not fit for the office of shepherd, but for a service in 
relation to a different animal, thus described with euphemistic delicacy : 

" Another farmer, Mr. G. Ware (who was subsequently elected by the parishioners 
as churchwarden;, told the Canon that he was more fit to ' go and feed a bear ' than 
to be a clergyman.' " 

Mr. Girdlestone should immediately have asked this gentleman to 
dinner. 




has told me dreadful tales about the secrets of the prison-house : how, 
on certain occasions called settling-days, bulls and bears run about 
wild, and lame ducks are tortured unmercifully, and though little Paul 
is fond of romances, I don't think he exaggerates. It is very natural 
where prices are constantly quoted and poetry never is, that men in 
spite of themselves should become bears, and only one flower flourishes 
in their garden, aud that is — Stocks. 

From Miss Laura Lightstep to Miss Panny Poxall. 

I quite agree with you, my dear Panny, that we must have a 
Dictionary of our own, with new and sensible meanings, for it can no 
longer be borne, that man should define words just as they think 
proper, to gratify their boundless vanity.* * * Take " monopoly," — 
this is a perversion of monopoly, and is confined chiefly to cotton and 
corn ? But why ? Is not a club a monopoly ? Is not Parliament a 
monopoly ? Are not an Exchange and a Board of Green Cloth all 
monopolies ? for over every one of them is written in an Italian hand, 
" Abandon Wives all ye who enter here." 

And now, I would ask (as some liberal writers have already sug- 
gested), why should not ladies have a little Capel Court of their own ? 
Is not our interest in a sentimental exchange equal to 3 per cent., 
and then consider for a moment the value which many parties attach 
to preference shares in our affections. Why should we not have time- 
bargains and settling-days, when if Algernon does not propose, then 
he shall be surrendered by Isabella, and if Alice accepts, then all 
flirting shall cease with the Cornet, or Alice shall be called to account. 
* * * I think you made some remark on Ducks. Of course, we can't 
do without them, and all who promptly pay their addresses will be 
very dear ducks, indeed. 



LADY LEXICOGRAPHERS— MRS. DR. JOHNSON. 

(intercepted correspondence.) 
From Miss Panny Poxall to Miss Laura Lightstep. 

Yes, my dear Laura, you are quite right in saying that language 
was invented by Man to conceal his thoughts. Certainly, Woman is 
not responsible for its inconsistencies ; but dictionaries are of purely 
masculine origin, you can see at a glance. I am convinced that Mrs. 
Doctor Johnson (Doctor or Doctress P) had she written those two 
fearful folios, which Papa has hidden in his library, would not have 
given a dozen meanings to one word. Take " curiosity," how would 
you or I define it P — very briefly, as " an earnest and laudable desire to 
obtain an insight into things which concern our own happiness or the 
well-being of others." But does man use it in that sense ? Oh, dear 
no. Curiosity is purely a feminine foible, an impertinent prying into 
blue chambers and skeleton cupboards. Call it Curiosity if you please, 
but so long as gentlemen will shroud their proceedings in mystery so 
long shall we endeavour to find them out. Por instance, look at the 
Stock Exchange. Look at it — don't look in it, unless you wish to 
be annihilated by five hundred money-making Bluebeards. 

Little Paul Peach, who is articled to a broker (not an upholsterer), 



MR. DROVER'S REFLECTIONS ON THE MIRROR 

OF PARLIAMENT. 

Mr. Punch, 

When I reflect as I often Do as I 'm driving My sheep to 
and from Copenhagen Fields how badly Driving in parliament is con- 
ducted, I'm nonplush'd. Neither dizrarli nor Gladstone Seem 
able to get All their Weathers into the Right pens, and when a Bolter 
dashes past one or tother, he stands Agast as if he Was politically 
Paralized. Something Is Wanting — That 's evident. It may Be 
science, it may be alacrity — Possibly Both. What a pity it Is that 
lofty statesmen won't Bend a little. If they would only condescend to 
take a leaf out of our Book, they needn't stand with their Slates in 
their hands, trembling like schoolboys who can't Do a simple sum in 
Long division. 

Why, Sir, such a Calamity as a South-Down getting into the 
Wrong shop is never heard of among Us reg'lar certificated practi- 
tioners, and you know, Mr. Punch, none Can practise without A 
diploma in Our market, if they Can elsewhere. Often when I 've been 
Debating over a pipe at the Markis o' Granby, my friends have said to 
me, " George, they want you at Westminster, to drive them dullamites 
— you 'd go afore 'em, and turn 'em down constitution hill." 

Pause here. 

Pig-driving, Sir, is A art of itself. Like poetry, it may Be cultivated, 
but you must have its primevall Germs born in you. I don't Follow 
it as a matter of business, but I am acquainted with its finer pints as 
A amateur. Now, Sir, it may be taken as a axiom, that a party as Can 
drive a I. P. (trade-mark for Illiterate Pig) can Drive any number of 
M.P.'s. But then what A almost contradictory Conjunction of quali- 
ties is called for ! Coolness, Ardour, Hope, Humility, and Resources 
infinitum. A Eye for every alley— a temper Under every Provocation 
Sweet as molasses, and A courage like Hannibals what Scorns to 
Stick in the Ruts. 

Pause again. 

I 'il be bound, Sir, that No minister, X. or XX., would Volunteer to 
Drive a I. P. through The narrow passages of either house Of parlia- 
ment. Then why Reproach himself with Bitterness because A Obsti- 
nate M.P. doubles and darts into A lobby, where None is admitted 
except On business P 

Sum up. 

I sometimes, 1 Sir, feel afeard that Our leading X minister in driving 
his I. P.'s to market Pails from want of tenderness in Touch and Tone. 
A little coaxing Now and Then helps a I. P. wonderfully over a style. 
Plip him with a Whip, and he becomes a awful Squealer, and possibly 
A abandoned character ever afterwards. q j_) 

Shepherds hush. 

P.S. Returning to our Muttons— assuming that Our most illustrious 
X minister don't entirely Despair of witching the world by noble 
drovership, let him call on me Any market-day, and I'll initiate him 
In first Principles, which is these, videliset: when you've got Bolters 
to deal with, send A dog before 'em to catch 'em by The ear artfully, 
and so as not to wound their 'ceptibilitles, which very often is Singu- 
larly 'cute. But Above All Things (And Here Lies The Grand Secret) 
Don't Terrify 'Em By Too Much bark. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



181 



d^%%# 




A RECOLLECTION OF THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. 



GIVING BY PROXY. 

Me. T. P. Cooke was, no doubt, the original British Sailor. 

He was also the original Monster in Frankenstein— and a very original 
monster, too, who made a furore in Paris, and gave a colour to gloves, 
Vert de monstre. He was as original in his will as in his^parts ; and 
amongst some bequests eminently showing benevolence and kindness 
to his professional brethren, he inserted others of a more eccentric 
kind. 

We have nothing to say to the combination of his own memory with 
Shakspeare's at a memorial dinner, on St. George's Day, in the Hall 
of the Dramatic College, for providing which he left the interest of a 
handsome sum. < 

No apology is needed for any actor's desire to claim fellowship with 
the greatest of all players. 

Put a more questionable bequest in Mr. T. P. Cooke's will was 
£1U0 to be paid for a Prize Drama on a national subject, the profits 
arising from its sale to go to the Dramatic College. 

Under tins bequest, Mk. J. Slous was the first successful com- 
petitor ; and the sale of his drama, True to the Core, has brought, we 
are glad to hear, the sum of £(500 to the treasury 01 the Dramatic 
College. 

We wish the College joy of the money, but we can't help feeling, 
somehow, that it is ratlier the contribution of the author of True to the 
Core, than of the benevolent testator, who left the £100, which is all 
that the author of True to tlie Gore has received. We shall be told, no 
doubt, that Mb. T. P. Cooke meant to benefit actors and not dramatic 
authors, and that Mr. Slous, having sent in his drama, and having 
been paid £100 lor it, under the conditions of the wifiv.has no right to 
complain. We do not say he has ; nor need we be surprised to find 
that Mr. T. P. Cooke considered £100 rather a high price than other- 
wise, even for a drama " upon a national subject." How shouldn't he 
think so, considering the experience he was bred to f Was not £60 
the whole payment to Douglas Jerrold for Black-Eyed Susan, which 
brought in more thousands than we care to count to the Managers, 
and was the main foundation of T. P. Cooke's fame and fortune '( 
Why should we expect T. P. Cooke to prove an exception to the usual 
rule, by which Manager and Actor look on every shilling paid to 
the Author as so much feloniously abstracted, or unfairly diverted from 



their own pockets ? Happily, they have now to deal, in some con- 
spicuous cases, with Authors who are or have been Actors, who can 
thus look at the question of an Author's due from both sides, and use 
the Manager's experience to bring the Manager to.terms. 

We do not regret that the Committee of the Dramatic College. should 
have made £600 out of the play for which, Mr. Slous has received 
one-sixth of that amount, though we .feel it would have been fairer if 
the proportions had been reversed— if Mr. Slous had received the 
£600, and the College the £100. Put believing that £100 is not a price 
likely to tempt established Authors into the field, or adequately to 
reward even the untried author of a meritorious play, we cannot but 
have an uneasy feeling that Mr. Cooke's bequest is a device either for 
encouraging the production of bad dramas— which needs no encourage- 
ment — or for getting a good one at an unfairly low figure. ; 

At all events, let the saddle be put on the right horse, and let the 
Pensioners and Committee of the Dramatic College, .in the tablets of 
their gratitude, debit Mr. T. P. Cooke with £100, and Mr. Slous 
with six times that amount. 



" ALARUMS, EXCURSIONS." 

The Sabbatarians had a meeting the other day at Exeter Hall/ The 
Secretary to their Society stated that during the past year sixty-eight 
sermons had been preached, and ten thousand tracts issued against 
Sunday excursions. This is the way to put a stop to Sunday excursions, 
if Sunday excursions are, though healthful, irreligious. He also 
announced that "the Public-house Pill, introduced by Mr. Abel 
Smith, would be supported by the Committee." Every publicity is 
due to this announcement, in order that prompt resistance may be 
offered to an attempt to enforce the religious practice of a sect by Act 
of Parliament. The Sabbatarian Secretary further mentioned that the 
Committee would give a general support to Mr. Thomas Hughes's 
Sunday Trading Bill. Therefore, Mr. Thomas Hughes had better 
abandon his Bill, seeing that he may be sure it would curtail personal 
liberty. Besides these Sunday Bills there is a Sabbatarian Liquor Bill 
before the House, in charge ol Mr. Graves, the Member for Liverpool, 
who should be taught to mind his own business instead of interfering 
with other people's pleasure. Excursions are threatened— sound we 
therefore alarums. 



182 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 4, 1867. 




FINE UNSOPHISTICATED OLD BOY FROM THE COUNTRY: 

"Well, my Dear, he seems a capital Young Fellow, and I am sure he will make you a good Husband. But I say, 
Jessie, what did you mean by 'No Cards"! Surely, your Father-in-Law, the Parson, doesn't object to a mild Rubber 
at Whist ? " 



QUOS DEUS VULT PERDERE. 

Whom God to ruin dooms for sin, 

Their wits lie first withdraws ! 
Lo, France and Prussia brought within 

That awfullest of laws ! 
The powers that boasted, late, how each 

For an idea warred, 
Draw off their velvet gloves, to reach 

Their swords, and spring on guard. 
'Tis an idea, too, that now 

Bids troops take place of talk — 
That either should to the other bow, 

As cock of Europe's walk. 

It is an idee fixe of France, 

Or his who is her fate, 
That France grows less by each advance 

That Prussia leaves more great. 
Whereas 'tis Prussia's Grund-idee, 

That strong enough she 's grown 
To slap France on the face to-day, 

Yet hold more than her own. 
What wonder if, set side by side, 

These two ideas clash, 
And Janus' gates, which war sets wide, 

Fly open with a crash ! 

So Time's wheel brings round destined ends : 

So to the poisoner's lip 
The poisoned chalice Heaven commends, 

His own drugged draught to sip. 
Strong hand against strong hand arrayed 

Must weaklings' wrongs repay ; 
The mights that owned no right are made 

To waste themselves in fray : 



The iron vessels, strong to grind 

Poor earthen flagons small, 
Dashed on each other, kind to kind, 

Iron by iron fall ! 

Lo, Emperor and Minister, 

Crowned craft, and craft sans crown, 
Gamesters as desperate as e'er 

On the green cloth staked down. 
He who 'gainst Rouge for Noir went in, 

An Empire's throne to gain : 
He who thrones for his Lord could win, 

Content to rule, not reign. 
A well-matched pair, calm, crafty, cool, 

Stern wills and smooth regards ; 
The fate of Europe in the pool, 

Dynasties on the cards ! 

A"match in which who wins shall stand, 

Or seem to stand, supreme ; 
In which who loses, from his hand 

Sees power fade like a dream. 
And they who all laws have defied, 

Except the law of might, 
Mights, long unholily allied, 

Are met to test in fight. 
While at their side unseen doth pass, 

Nemesis with her glaive, 
To give the loser's coup de grace, 

And dig the winner's grave. 

As these arm each for th' other's end, 

So him that gains the day 
Sure Retribution will attend, 

To claim him for her prey. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— May 4, 1867. 




6 4 m 



TO BE SOLD." 

"Emperor jNapoleon. " I-A— HAVE MADE AN OFFER TO 'MY FRIEND HERE, AND " 

The Mas in Possession. "NO, HAVE YOU, THOUGH?— I RATHER THINK I WAS THE PARTY ,TO APPLY TO.' 
Emperor Napoleon. "OH, INDEED! AH! THEN IN THAT CASE I'LL BUT IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE.' 



Mat 4, 18(57.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



185 



Let Bismarck or Napoleon win, 

Victor must vanquished be, 
Till from the tangled ways of sin 

God's guiding clue we see ; 
Till lawless might to might of law 

Subdued and prostrate fall, 
And he that braving Heaven we saw 

Proclaim himself Heaven's thrall. 



BIRD'S-EYE VIEW OF "THE GREAT CITY." 

FROM DRURY LANK. 

Scene 1.— En 'prior of Charing Cross Railway Station about 8.30 p.m. 
Music descriptive of luggage. Life-like picture ; no one about, except 
at intervals sudden rushes of people from left to right, or for variety 
from right to left, then everything in the Great City perfectly quiet, 
while the principal character talks. 

Enter Arthur, a reformed drunkard, in trousers of an antiquated fashion : 
music ceases. 
Arthur. I've been drinking all my life. There's one bright spot in 
my heart — my love for Edith. I've given up drink. There's ten 
minutes before the train starts ; what shall I do ? (Considers : the phrase 
"ten minutes allowed for refreshment" probably occurs to him. He says 
with decision,) I 'II go and drink. 

[Exit to drink. Mimic descriptive of more luggage. People rush in 
vaguely, go by no train, and disappear into some other part of the 
Great City. 
Enter Mogg, the Convict, who has escaped from prison, braved starva- 
tion, dared fearful dangers, and lived through the perils of the Bush, 
in order to return to the Great City and see the improvements at 
Charing Cross. 
Mogg (looks about, then remarks astutely). How changed is every- 
thing. (Pauses.) This was llungerford Market. (Is much affected.) 

Now ( Pauses, and gels to the extreme right-hand of stage, so as to be 

ready to make a good exit when he 's delivered his effective line.) Now 

(Delivers his effective line.) Now it is a hotel. 

[Exit, much overcome. Music more descriptive of luggage than ever. 
Rush of the same people as have appeared before. Probably 
they 'te all missed their trains, or are spending a. happy day in 
the Great City, rushing about from ons terminus to another, 
until they come to Erith's picture at the finish. Exeunt all 
these, people for no apparent reason, except that three of the 
principal characters are now coming on to talk. 

Enter Three of the Principal Characters, represented by three persons so 
got up as to be quite unable to appear in any quarter of the Metropolis 
without attracting a considerable crowd. One is a Jew, with an 
evident false nose, much worn, of course, in. the Great City, a paper 
flower in the button-hole of a very open black coat, set off by a red 
waistcoat cut very low, perhaps his idea of decolle ; plenty of false 
jewellery. The second is a Ma. Blount, M.P. , /or what constituency 
it is impossible to imagine. The third an Irishman, described as an 
American, or an American described as an Irishman, it doesn't matter 
which, as no sort of interest is in any way attached to the character. 
They explain to one anotlier that they are libertines. 

Blount, M.P. I am a libertine. (To Mendez, the Jew.) You must 

introduce me to your daughter. [Nudges Mendez. 

Irish American. Introduce me to her, too. 

[Nudges Mendez : Mendez nudges them: they both nudge Mendez. 

Music, during which, while they are still nudging Mendez, the 

same people who have missed every train since the commencement 

of the play rush on and off. The three finish nudging. 

Eater Miss Edith. Deposits her box on the ground and sits on it. The 
three libertines regard her : more nudging. 

Libertine (with the false nose, to Edith). May I give you some refresh- 
ment ? 

Edith (indignantly). No ! ! ! (Scorns his proffered offer.) And if our 
kind friends in front— I mean if an English female is to be insulted, 
&c., &c., then she will know how to, &c., &c. 

[Applause, and three cheers for Mr. Mill. While she is speaking 
comic beggars run away with her boxes. Real picture of life in 
the Great City. Blount, M.P., immediately finds a Policeman, 
which also shows the author's remarkable powers of observation 
during his residence in the Great City, and sends him after the 
boxes. 
Edith (suddenly communicative, tells Blount, M.P., all her family 
history. N.B. The following is our general idea of what she said ; it 
doesn't signify, however, as the plot is immaterial, the acting of no conse- 
quence, scenery and grouping everything). I was brought up at school 
some years ago. I was paid for : regularly. But lately they haven't. 



(Blount, M.P., is interested. The other two libertines are still nudging 
one another in a corner.) I once met a little romance, called Arthur: 
and as they wanted to turn me away, I 've come to meet him. But he 
is false like all the rest. 

[ The libertine with the false nose takes this as a personal allusion : 
more nudging in t/ie corner. 
Blount, M.P. (in his character of a libertine). Do you know anyone 
in London ? 
Edith. Only Mr. Wilson (vaguely), of the City. 
Blount, M.P. (sharply). I know Mr. Wilson, of the City. 
[Exeunt Blount, M.P. and Edith, to go to Mr. Wilson, of the 
City. As he goes off, Blount, M.P., makes faces at the two 
libertines in the corner, who are still nudging each other. 
Libertine (with false nose, delivering himself of some sparkling dialogue). 
Did you ever see anything like this man ! I quite grudge him to the 
Christians. [Exeunt, both nudging. 

End of Scene 1. 

Tlieatrical Person (giving his opinion). Those three fellows are not 
unlike the Irishman, the Jew, and the Swell Libertine, in The Flying 
Scud. 

His Friend (in dress circle). Dear me— so they are ! (Is struck by the 
coincidence!) 

Scene 2. — Street near St. Paul's. Apparently a back view of an adver- 
tising hoarding by night. Music descriptive of Mr. Tully in the 
orchestra. 

Enter Mogg, the Convict. 

Mogg. I 've come home from Australia. While undergoing my sen- 
tence I 've amassed a colossal fortune. Por further particulars see 
Great Expectations. I can't drag myself from my old haunts. 

[Meaning the back of the advertising hoarding by moonlight. 

Enter Blount, M.P., from somewhere. 
Blount, M.P. Edith is now supping with me on chickens and 
champagne. (Perhaps in St. Paul's, by express permission of (lie Dean and 
Chapter.) I know tiiat face (seeing Mogg). That's Mogg. 
Mogg. What ! Blount ! (Neither move.) Leave me alone. 
Blount (vaguely.) Why not 'i 

Mogg. Because (as an answer to a riddle) — Because when you were 
chief clerk at Messrs. Somebody's (name we didn't catch), 1 was a porter. 

[Exit Mogg side-ways, threatening. 
Blount (to himself). Can he ever have seen the play of Still Waters 
Run Deep ? But no matter, I 'm a Member of Parliament. 

[Exit gaily to join Edith at chickens and champagne in St. Paul's. 

Scene 3. — Waterloo Bridge, Surrey Side. Real everything. 
Enter Arthur. 
Arthur (in brilliant dialogue). I've looked everywhere, and found 
her nowhere. 

Blount, M.P. (with Edith, after chickens and champagne). Let's go 
and see Mr. Wilson, of the City. [Edith hesitates. 

Blount, M.P. (as a Happy Thought). Let's take a Hansom. 

Edith (overcome, consents). Yes ! Let 's ! 

[Excitement of Audience expecting the Hansom. It comes: real 
horse, real cab, real man, real badge, all new and clean. They 
jump in. 
Arthur (seeing her, while getting a real fivepence-half penny out of six- 
pence at the turnstile). Ha ! "lis Edith— and in a Hansom ! ! ! ! 

Curtain. 

This was too much for us all at once ; another night we will endeavour 
to see the remaining acts. Eor the present we are perfectly satisfied 
with what we 've seen. 



A Property of Caoutchouc. 

Our notice has been attracted by the prospectus, just issued, of the 
English India Kubber Company, according to which the object of that 
association is to purchase and extend the business of the Southwark 
India Rubber Company, Grange Road, Bermondsey. It may be hoped 
that the proposed extension will be effected without difficulty by a 
concern whose resources may be presumed to be sufficiently elastic. 



Dropped, but not Disposed of. 

Dear Sir Morton, 

You tell me the House of Commons has whitewashed you. 
Pardon me. It has declined to take up your case. I can't say that 
1 blame the House, and I remain, Y our obedient Servant, Punch. 



Metaphor made Easy.—" A Telegwam from Bombay," said a 
Swell, reading a newspaper, " says, ' Money is tight.' Haw ! 'Suppose 
they 've no loose cash there." 



186 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 4, 1867. 




HUNTING, AND NO END !-(A FACT.) 

Cheerful Party (to depressed Nimrod, returning by train). "Last Day of the Season? Nonsense! Why, in my Country we Hunt 

all April ! Hunt Cubs 1 " 



OUR VIRTUOUS VESTRIES. 

An indignation meeting of the vestrymen of London was held the 
other evening at the Pig and Whistle public-house, to protest against 
the protests of the public and the press, that the vestrymen of London 
are utterly incompetent to discharge their public duties. 
£ Mr. Butcher having, as the first comer been unanimously called 
on (by himself) to occupy the chair, the business of the evening was 
opened by his ordering a glass of gin-and-water, and a clay pipe 
and tobacco, with which he entertained himself until another gentle- 
man arrived. This being Mr. Shortweight, the celebrated baker 
(see Police Reports, last year), an intellectual conversation upon things 
in general, and parish matters in particular, naturally ensued. Other 
vestrymen soon followed, and pipes and grogs having been sufficiently 
supplied — 

The Chairman begged to say that business was business, and being 
punctooal hisself he had been woted to the chair, which he was quite 
ready to wacate, should any just impediment be found about his sitting 
theer. (No, no.) Well, then, he wouldn't beat about the bush but come 
straight to the pint. (A Voice, "Can't you make it a quart?" and 
laughter?) What they wished to say was simply that the public was a 
Hass ; ('ear ! 'ear !) and no reporters being present he 'd take the 
liberty to add, the press was a Hass also. (" Brayvo, old Cock! go it!") 
He wouldn't say no more hisself as his woice was rather 'usky, but 
would call upon some honourable gent to fire away. 

Mr. Shortweight said he thought there was the soundest common 
sense in what their noble friend, the Chairman, had remarked. For 
himself, he thought the press was the wust Hass of the two (c/ieers), 
seeing as how it frekently interfered with the liberty of the subjick, in 
a manner to his mind entirely unconstitooshnal. ('Ear !) For instance, 
last year he 'appened, by one of them there accidents whicli occur in 
the best reggerlated family establishments, to have a few 'arfquarterns 
a trifle under weight, and what did them there blessed noospapers but 
parade his name in print as a robber of the poor, (shame !) and recom- 
mend, besides his paying of a 'eavy fine, that he be kept on bread and 



water, and short weight of the former, with, to give him a good 
appetite, a turn upon the treadmill. (Groans.) 

Mr. Sandsugar observed that he had also been a wictim to them 
howdacious " horgans," as they was pleased to call theirselves, he 
meant the public noosepapers. He would gladly give a trifle, say a 
pound of his best lump, to any public benefactor who would put down 
the press, ('ear ! 'ear !) which was a hinsult and a hinjury to every 
freeborn British westry. (Loud cheers?) 

Mr. Guzzler said that it was the duty of the westries to look sharp 
after the cash. But there was no call to be stingy, and to starve 
theirselves when working 'ard on parish business. (No, no !) Gents 
nat'rally got good appetites arter their 'ard work, and it was only 
right and proper that the public should stand Sam for 'em. (Cheers.) 

Mr. Swiller said some friends of his in Camberwell was lately 
'auled over the coals for simply running up a tavern-bill or two at the 
ratepayers' expense. (Shame !) What with wines and weeds, and 
warious other liquors, the westry dinners there might be reckoned on 
a average at about a sov. per man, and this here nessary refreshment 
was actilly complained of as illegal and extravagant. (Groans.) 

Mr. Blobley observed that in his parish the custom was to tip the 
wink on dinner days to one or two choice spirits as was knowed to be 
good company, and give 'em dinners gratis for their 'elp to make a 
night of it. (Hear, and Bravo Blobley !) 

Mr. Gobbles thought that westrymen must live as well as other 
people, and, while they were about it, they might as well be jolly. 
(A laugh, and " Go it, Gobbles ! ") The ratepayers, 'owever, might 
grumble at cigars, so he proposed that, with a view to parochial 
economy, all westrymen in future should be limited to clays. 

A warm debate ensued upon this interesting question, and fresh 
supplies of stimulants being ordered in, the meeting did not separate 
until an early hour. 



the simple reasons. 

The Theatrical Feed was a failure, becos 

Miss Poole was not present, and B— cic — T was. 



May 4, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



187 




TOO BAD! 

Country Railway Porter (to Swell, who is waiting fur the Express). "Now, then, look Aloive for the 'Scursion ! — Second or 

Third, my Man ? " 



BETTERING THE INSTRUCTION. 

(A Truth from the Trades-Unionists.) 

From us our foreign brethren, 

Have learnt bow to behave : 
Here are Brussels shops en chomage, 

Parisian shops en greve ; 
Their tailors quit the shopboard, 

Comb and tongs their coiffeurs shy ; 
Their verv undertakers 

No coffins will supply ! 
And we're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
We 're all striking in our shops at home. 

Political Economy, 

You tell us, we 've defied : 
That Smith and Mill and Maltiius 

Are all on t'other side. 
But, example more than pi - ecept 

In church or shop can teach : 
"While we know what masters practise, 

We don't care what they preach — 
So we're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
So we 're all striking in our shops at home. 

"Whatever they may tell us, 

The rules that guide 'em all, 
Are " devil take the hindmost," 

And " the weakest to the wall." 
Let the light of Mill and Malthus 

Be clear as light of sun, 
The law that guides our masters 

Is the law of Number one. 
So we 're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
We're all striking in our shops at home. 



What wonder while rich Capital 

To number one is true, 
Poor Labour should the interest 

Of number one pursue ? 
But while, in clash of capitals, 

No master master spares, 
Our number one I take it 

Is a bigger one than theirs. 
Though we're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
Though we 're all striking in our shops at home. 

They fight, in competition, 

Each man for his own hand : 
We fight, in our trades-unions, 

Each man for the whole band. 
If we stint hours, we tell you, 

'Tis the more mouths to feed, 
If we say " no " to piece-work, 

'Tis the weakling's case we heed, 
"While we're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
We 're all striking in our shops at home. 

We don't deny that Capital 

Might yet be Labour's friend : 
And when the two are friendly,- 

Why then— their feud will end. 
But while master thinks for master, 

And never thinks for man, 
Man to man will hold the faster, 
And wring out all he can. 
So we 're all striking, strike, strike, striking, 
We 're all striking in our shops at home. 



Mr. Babbage's Paradise. — Stillorgan. 



188 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 4, 1867. 



POETRY IN THE PANTRY. 

Some people say that poetry, like chivalry, is dead. In these prosaic 
times, they tell you, a lover never pens a sonnet to his mistress's eye- 
brow : such a thing, he would most likely say, is " all my eye," and if 
he sent her any lines they would probably be fishing ones. Railways, 
it is said, have annihilated poetry, as well as time and space. Iu these 
high-pressure days, making verses is by far too slow an occupation. 
Except perhaps the poet laureate, and Punch, no one now-a-days writes 
anything that people can call poetry. 

For the credit of mankind, Punch is glad to think these statements 
are not founded upon fact. Poetical himself, Punch is proud to be the 
cause of poetry in others ; and that he is so his waste-paper basket 
daily gives full proof. Some lines, however, reach him now and then, 
which he finds worth preservation in the amber of his type. Such for 
instance are the following, which appeared upon the 10th of April in 
the Irish Times : — 

A PLACE is Wanted by a Girl, 

'A Ere this short week doth end. 
To wait upon an invalid, 

And all her wants attend : 
She has the power which few possess, 

To soothe and comfort in distress I 
Or wait upon two ladies fair, 

For she excels in dressing hair. 
Address, he. 

If this be not true poetry, Punch would like to know what is. And 
how much prettier is such a notice than the curt, blunt, prosy state- 
ments of people who " Want Places " in the columns of the Times ! 
Nobody now ever dreams of reading those advertisements, but by the 
help of poetry they might, we think, be made delightfully attractive. 
We really advise servants not to be too proud to act upon the precedent 
this Irish girl has given them. A footman, we should fancy, would 
soon find himself engaged, if he announced his talents in some such 
style as this : — 

A Footman now doth want a place ; 

His height is five feet eight : 
He can both ope the door with grace, 

And at the table wait. 
His calves are fine, his figure good, 

His H's ne'er he drops : 
He deigns to eat the simplest food — 
Yes, even mutton chops ! 

If exiled from his pantry by some unlucky chance, Jeames might 
find his muse of service in procuring him a place. And who could fail 
to be impressed by this poetical appeal by a paragon of a Cook ? — 

You want a Cook ? Well, here is one 
Who ne'er sent pork up underdone : 
Who drinks no beer, who cribs no grease, 
Nor gives cold meat to the police. 
No kitchenmaid doth she require, 
Nor ever burns too big a fire. 
Her wages twenty pounds a year ; 
For such a Jewel 'tis not dear ! 

Surely such a jewel deserves a finer setting than the plain, unpolished 
prose of a common-place advertisement. And why should not a 
Coachman put his Pegasus in harness, and thus modestly announce his 
abilities in verse ? — 

As coachman, for a gent or swell : 

Can drive one, or a pair : 
Is single : steady : knows town well : 

Can sleep in country air. 
N.B. Would also like to state, 
Finds his own gloves when he doth wait. 

From the butler to the " Buttons," from the valet to the scullery- 
maid, all servants, high or low, might find the art of poetry a valuable 
agent in procuring them a place. We should be glad if our remarks 
at all assist towards this result, but we candidly confess we do not 
think they will. However, while the rhyming fit is on us , we must 
supply one more poetical advertisement, just to show that poets soon 
might be as common as potatoes, if our servants took to writing hi the 
manner of the advertiser in the Irish Times : — 

Pray, which of you ladies now wants a nice page ? 

He is not quite thirteen yet, and tall for his age. 

Yet, though fast he is growing, his appetite 's small. 

And he ne'er bursts his buttons by larks in the half. 

In lollipops never his wages are spent, 

Nor plays he at leap-frog, on errands when sent. 

To give him a trial you 'd never refuse, 

Could you see how he '11 polish your knives and your shoes ! 



THE EMPRESS OF LAQUES. 

We do not know the age of the lady named by the Post in the sub- 
joined paragraph. We do not inquire. Far be it from Punch to moot 
so delicate a question. But there was a time when the idea of a most 
sensible woman and a large landowner, combined in one person, would 
have invested that person with peculiar interest in the eyes of Mr. 
Punch. For reasons which may be imagined, he would then have been 
anxious to know whether a lady, evidently endowed as well with much 
property as with great taste and intelligence, had also the advantage 
of parity of years with himself. This would have sufficed him. He 
is satisfied with intellectual beauty — the beauty of expression: "the 
mind, the music beaming from the face." That he would have taken 
for granted. Here is the brief but suggestive statement, which has 
occasioned him to gush at the unusual rate foregoing : — 

" Crinoline.— The Oswestry Advertiser says that Miss Lloyd, of Laques, has 
given wholesale notice to quit to her tenants in Carmarthenshire and Pembroke- 
shire, in consequence of their wives and daughters wearing crinoline, a practice to 
which Miss Lloyd objects." 

The mandate above described as issued by the Lady of Laques must 
be owned apparently to partake of the nature of an Ukase, or a Bull. 
Arbitrary, however, as that decree may seem, Crinoline, in excess, is 
such a bore, such an ugly, such a troublesome, such a vicious, such a 
dangerous, and now, happily, such a vulgar thing, and gives rise to 
such unpleasantnesses, that if 1867 were an earlier date, and Mr. Punch 
were not blest as he is, he would certainly inquire immediately about 
Miss Lloyd of Laques. 



A JOKE OF THE FIRST WATER. 

The Rev. Sydney Smith calumniated a facetious nation when he 
declared that a surgical operation was necessary to get a joke into a 
Scotchman's head. The following extract from the British Medical 
Journal will show that, so far from being impermeable to a joke from 
without, a Scotchman's head is capable of giving issue to a joke con- 
ceived in its interior : — 

" A MUSSELBURGH BAILI.IE'S OPINION ON THE BEST WATER FOR MAKING TODDY. 

— We find in the Shields Daily News a note to the following effect : ' The Senior 
Baillie of Musselburgh (Mr. Peter Millar, of Eskside) has requested us to state, 
in reference to the discussion at the Town Council meeting on Monday night, upon 
the condition of the public wells, that it was not Dr. Sanderson's opinion, but his 
own " that the finest toddy was made from the worst water in the town." ' " 

Does anybody doubt about the jocosity of Baillie Millar's joke ? 
Let him try it. Let him see if it will not set any intellectual table in a 
roar. Besides the Baillie's joke is suggestive. It is not only witty 
in itself, but calculated to be the cause of other wit. The public wells 
of Musselburgh are perhaps replete with the results of intramural inter- 
ment. The reason why the worst water in the town makes the best 
toddy may be surmised to be that it forms with whiskey a union of 
body and spirit. As a combination of animal matter with spirit, the 
toddy made with the Musselburgh wells water may be represented as 
an elixir of animal spirits. Ana so on. No wonder Baillie Peter 
Millar was jealous of his fame for the joke which he had made, and 
did not like to have the good thing that had been said by himself 
attributed to Dr. Sanderson. 



THE MYSTERY OF BONNETS. 

Mr. Punch is unfortunately unable to speak as often as he could 
wish in commendatory terms of fashionable articles of ladies' dress. 
His nature prompts him to praise with the utmost enthusiasm any and 
everything that tends to enhance the charms of beauty. Any effectual 
contrivance for setting off a bust, an arm, or an ancle, would set him 
raving with eulogy at least as frantically as the loveliest new thing in 
sauce. But he seldom has the pleasure of thus expressing himself. 
The demon of perversity has for a long time presided over the fashions. 
What could Punch say, for instance, of chignons ? Simply that they 
are more ridiculous than pigtails, and less cleanly. 

But now there has at last arisen a fashion that Mr. Punch has the 
unspeakable happiness of being able to extol in the highest terms. It 
is that of those charming little bonnets that ladies now wear. 

Mr. Punch has' a most particular reason for magnifying these little 
bonnets, while wishing they may never get bigger. His reason is that 
those same bonnets — —No ! 

Never give reasons is a maxim which must now be followed. The 
little bonnets are popular. Mr. Punch is glad of it. If he were to 
state his reason wliy, he has no doubt that they would be instantly 
discarded. He must, therefore, withhold his reason for admiring 
them until he is implored to assign it by their wearers, whose entrea- 
ties are never addressed to him in vain. 



a distinction with a difference. 
Liberty, Fraternity and Equality ? Yes, good people. Liberty for 
ever, Fraternity also, and likewise Equality— but not Equalisation. 



May 11, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



189 




WHAT H. M. CIVIL SERVANTS HAVE TO ENDURE, 

BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES. 

Mr. Registrar. " "What 's the Number of your Deed, Sir ? " 
Attorney '$ Clerk. " H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!" 
Mr. Registrar (faintly). " Oh dear ! Oh dear !— (notes down the number) 
-that will do." [And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot- 



YE WORKING-MEN OP ENGLAND. 

Ye Working-men of England, 

Who know how humbug deals, 
Whose sense detects its little game 

In Bradlaugh and in Beales — 
To those who 'd mould you bone and brain 

As Potter's clay, say no, 
Nor keep, like the sheep, 

The way your leaders go — 
Where the spouter spouteth loud and long, 

And the penny trumpets blow ! 

If wiser than your fathers, 

Why worse than they behave P 
Why be the prey of every fool, 

The dupes of every knave P 
Where Bright and gallant Gladstone fell, 

Can Beales and Bradlaugh go? 
You must creep e'er you leap, 

Let fools prate ever so : 
Let the spouters spout both loud and long, 

And the penny trumpets blow ! 

Britannia loves not humbug, 

And big-talk holdeth cheap ; 
The chartered rights of Englishmen 

Law gave and Law will keep. 
By roots deep as our native oak's 

Secured those rights we know, 
King nor nob, still less mob 

Those rights can overthrow, — 
Nor the spouters, spouting loud and long, 

Nor the penny prints that crow ! 

Then hoist the flag of England, 

Red caps and banners burn, 
Till the spouters' spouting wins no heed, 

And common-sense return. 
Then, Working-men of England, 

Will Punch his trumpet blow, 
To the fame of your name 

When the Beales has ceased to blow — 
When the fiery Bradlaugh 's heard no more, 

And the Beales has ceased to blow ! 



something witty from the city. 

Why is Smithfield like Rome in the days of Cicero ? 
Because it is threatened by a Cattle-line ! 



PEEPS AT PARIS. 

PEEP THE SEVENTH. 

I couldn't write last week, in consequence of the tailors' strike. 
My new things had not come home, and my old ones, which were 
sufficiently done up to 'require fresh doing up by the tailor, had not 
been returned. I couldn't walk about the Egsposissiong in my sack 
dinnwee (that 's what our lively neighbours call a night-gown) so I was 
obliged to lie in bed. 

A friend who looked in to see how I was, casually observed that I 
might have written in that situation, " because," he said pleasantly, 
" My dear Peeper, you can lie in bed as well as out of it." If this 
hadn't been his fun, there would have been bloodshed. 

I have been appointed one of the Jury. From information I 've re- 
ceived (since my clothes came home) I understand that my department 
will be m the Potteries. I 'm not quite clear what " Potteries " means. 
However, I 've ordered several works on Potteries, and the volume of the 
Encyclopaedia Britannica in which Potter occurs. I am quite a French- 
man now, in my new costume. I have also purchased a large collar, a 
neglijay tie, ana a tall hat. The tall hat I look upon as my first step 
towards the study of chimney-potteries. Instead of a first step it 
ought to be a crowning effort. These hats are specimens of real 
High Art ; they were introduced by the Freemasons of Paris. I don't 
mind telling, you this, as we're all "tiled" here, there's no doubt 
about that. 

Lumpyraw (I allude to Louey) said to a friend of mine the other day 
(a friend of mine, observe, of course not myself— delicacy that, eh?) — 
well, Lumpyraw said, and I must remark that his lightest word con- 
siderably illumines the present Luxemburg difficulty, he said quietly 

But an Aidykong has come round to tell me that what was said 

the other morning was quite ongler noo. 

While giving you the gossip of the day in Parry, I have quite 



forgotten the object I had in view, namely, of assisting the numerous 
English visitors. (A note has been sent to me from the authorities, 
saying that I 'm on the Jury for Surgical Instruments. I must get up 
the subject and counterorder my Pottery works.) 

In the afternoon the visitor, decorating himself with a bit of red 
ribbon in the second button-hole of his best frock-coat, will saunter up 
the Bwaw dibbulloin (spelt Bois de Boulogne) and see the pretty equi- 
pages and the swells riding and driving in this merry month of May. 

Boulogne, as many people know, is on the sea, and is a favourite 
residence for the English. I was going to give a long account of this 
place, but I find that this isn't the same Boulogne at all, consequently 
I shall defer all my information on this subject until I can speak posi- 
tively. Peeper the Great won't deceive you, so don't be afraid. 

While perambulating Parry look in at the pallay dullarndoostree, 
spelt, in spite of this pronunciation, Palais d' Industrie. Also saunter 
through the Arcades and Parsages. 

Palais de I' Industrie.— -The Great Hospital for retired Chevaliers 
d'lndustrie : a most meritorious charity. Visit it by all means. 

Arcades. — There are so many Arcades in Paris that the classic visitor 
might be tempted to call it the Arcadia of Europe, if he was not re- 
strained by his better nature. These Arcades are thoroughfares leading 
to several somewheres, and not merely in at one end and out at the 
other, as in the Lowther Arcade, or the Burlington, though of course 
you can simplify your proceedings considerably by going nowhere. 
But then why begin by going to Paris ? 

I must leave off. A note has just come from the Commissioners 
saying that I 'm appointed on the jury for deciding upon the qualifi- 
cations for admission of Fungi from the Hautes-Pyren6es. Must order 
works on the subject, and counterorder the others. 



Dictate op the Demonstrationists. — You must take the Rough 
with the Smooth. 



vol. lii. 



190 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 11, 1867. 




A NIGHT'S ENTERTAINMENT. 

Air — " When in Death I shall calm recline." 

When we 're buried in slumber deep, 

Fancy often is apt to teem. 
I was once in the land of sleep, 

When about me came an amazing dream ! 
All sorts of Swells were masquerading, 

And playing the fool in such a degree 
As I, but fact that there 's no evading, 

Might say I never dreamt I should see. 

Pipes and beer at a festal scene, 

Free and easy, dispelled dull care ; 
Missing the face was of Paddy Green : 

But the Earl of Derby was in the chair. 
Ministers all, a band of brothers, 

As Minstrels of Christy sat in a row ; 
Disraeli's voice rose above the others : 

And likewise Benjamin jumped Jim Crow. 

All sides politics there forgot ; 

Bowyer handed to Whalley a light. 
Pledging each other in pewter-pot, 

Robert Lowe drank cooper with friend John Bright, 
Roaring, in Rule Britannia's chorus 

With Gladstone they joined, at Pakington's call. 
Lord Russell then having danced before us, 

The Earl of Shaftesbury sang Sam Hall. 



SENTIMENT. 

" Did I Strike ? No, Sir ! You see a Engine 's a 
gets Fond on, and I couldn't Leave mine to thim as 
Ways ! " 



Hanimal as a Chap 
didn't Know her 



DISPLAY OF PHYSICAL FORCE. 

The attendance at the political meetings which take 
place on Saturdays at Trafalgar Square has fallen off lately. 
This is very much to be lamented in the interests of safe 
and rational reform. With a view of giving these assem- 
blies the required attraction, it is suggested that a pro- 
minent part in them should be taken by the honourable 
Member for Birmingham. That constitutional orator is 
accustomed to exhort multitudes to the harmless exhibition 
of physical force. In illustration of what he means by that, 
perhaps, at the next gathering in Trafalgar Square, Mr. 
Bright will get on a platform, and balance Mr. Beales 
on his chin at the top of a ladder. It would be fun to 
hear the great Tribune of the People crying, " Twopence 
more, and up goes Mr. Beales ! " 



THE TEMPERATE TEMPEKANCE LEAGUE. 

Excursionists who like to dine on a Sunday, and to drink beer at 
dinner, will be glad to hear that Mr. Graves has abandoned the Bill 
which, if he had been asinine enough to press, and the Legislature had 
been sufficiently stupid and Sabbatarian to enact it, would have for- 
bidden them to satiate their hunger and slake their thirst on the first 
day of the week. 

There is a Society, of which Mr. Graves would do well forthwith to 
become a member. It is not a community such as that enclosed within 
walls at, Colney Hatch, or as that other similarly circumstanced at 
Hanwell : no, nor is it cared for in any Asylum for Idiots. It meets at 
Exeter Hall : it met there the other day. It would, if it could effect 
its object, keep everybody out of the public-house on all days of the 
week. It is, Mr. Graves, the National Temperance League. Its 
annual public meeting was held the other day, under the presidency 
of Mr. B. Scott, F.R.A.S. A report of its operations was read by 
Mr. R. Rae, its Secretary. 

By this statement the members of the League, and the public at 
large, were apprised of the nature of its endeavours to inculcate its 
priucples. Those proceedings are very different from your Bill. They 
are reasonable and just. For instance, the Very Reverend the Dean 
of Chichester, Dr. Hook, delivered an effective speech in favour of 
total abstinence last autumn, before the Church Congress at York. A 
very reverend, and very rational, and very respectable way of going to 
work. Then another Very Reverend Dean, the Dean of Westminster, 
Dean Stanley, has agreed, at the request of the Temperance League 
Committee, to permit the delivery of a temperance sermon by a total 
abstaining clergyman at one of the approaching special services in 
Westminster Abbey. Good again. He will have no difficulty in 
finding a text for a temperance sermon, if he will limit his discourse to 
that. Should the total abstaining clergyman preach total abstinence, 
he will have texts to get over ; but that is his affair. Well ; then Mr. 
Rae enunciated the principle whereon the National Temperance 
League acts : — 

" The Society sought to carry out its objects by moral suasion, and by Christian 
example. The Society differed from the kindred society, the Alliance, which 



endeavoured to carry out its views by political and parliamentary action ; but the 
League only employed the aid of moral suasion and religious instruction {Cheers). 
. . . By reason and the force of argument, the platform, and by the press, they 
would be able to break down the fallacies and the prejudices which existed in oppo- 
sition to the principles of the League." 

Follow their example, Mr. Graves. Enlist under their banner; 
and desert the Alliance, if you have been fighting under the flag of the 
latter. Be content to enforce total abstinence and Sabbatarianism by 
reason and the force of argument as well as you can ; by moral suasion 
and religious instruction. There may be some difficulty about religious 
instruction, if you go so far as to preach total abstinence. In that 
case you will have to resort to the Koran ; but you had better do that 
than seek to close places of refreshment on Sunday by a decree which, 
though Parliamentary, would be just as tyrannical as any edict ever 
promulgated by the Grand Turk. 



A COOL IDEA. 
Dear Punch, 

The Luxemburg question appears difficult to solve. But it 
is easy in comparison with the question as to what can be the meaning 
of this passage, which I stumbled on this morning in the Cornhill 
Magazine : — 

" Like icy letters, graven on a wall, 
That grow the stronger as we pore on them, 
Till at the last, they are not seen at all." 

" Icy letters," Mr. Punch! That's a cool idea. But is it not a 
cooler one to fancy that a reader of average intelligence can fathom 
what is meant by such a simile as this ? Yours in amazement, 

Jonathan Jones. 



A Prolonged Fencing Bout. 

John Pakry has just sung " Mrs. Roseleafs Evening Party" for the 
thousandth time. This is the longest interchange of point and Parry 
on record. 

By this time Parry ought surely to have mastered every passage, 
includiug the North-West. 



May 11, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. 



191 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

Knights of the Shire and their humbler associates in the Repre- 
sentation met again, after the Easter Holidays, on Monday, the 2dth of 
April. 

But before recording their work, it -is fitting that Mr. Punch should 
mention that no less a workman than William Ewart Gladstone 
followed the example of the engine-drivers, tailors, masons, colliery- 
boys, and others now on Strike, and Struck. The defeat he sustained 
on the night before the holidays made him think that he could no 
longer lead, with advantage, an Opposition that thought for itself in 
Tea Rooms. So, before going over to Paris to give his verdicts on 
pottery and the like (on which he is a great authority), Mb. Glad- 
stone wrote a letter to Mk. Crawford, of the City, renouncing his 
Amendments, but adding that he was ready to do anything, in the way 
of concerted action, to prevent any further limitation of what he called 
the Scanty Modicum of extension of franchise offered by the Govern- 
ment. Remarking that Mr. Punch hopes Mr. Gladstone enjoyed his 
visit to Paris, and that he appeared in his usual place on the Thursday 
about to be immortalised by the Diamond Pen, we now proceed to the 
proceedings of 

Monday. It appears that France and Prussia are not going to fight 
about Luxemburg, yet. Loed Stanley had the pleasure of announcing 
that all the Neutral Powers were to hold a Conference, and that the 
quarrellers would accept its decision. Anything that impedes the 
march of the war-fiend must be welcome to all who are not of his own 
devilish nature. May the Conference be successful. Nobody was 
astonished, everybody was delighted, that the good Queen of England 
had written an admirable autograph letter to the King of Prussia, 
praying him to keep the peace, and warning him that if he did not, he 
must hope for no moral support from England. We are fully aware of 
the value of a great, strong Protestant power in the heart of Europe, 
but one of the features of Protestantism is its protest against doing 
evil that good may come, and those eminent religionists, the King and 
Bismarck, are thought to be a little less sound on this doctrine than 
they might be. 

We resumed the debate on the Irish Bill about tenants' improve- 
ments, but Mr. Punch declines to trouble the world with a reproduc- 
tion of the arguments. Suffice it to say, that an Amendment, very 
ably supported by Mr. Gregory, and intended to commit the House 
to the Encouragement of Leases, was rejected by a small majority, and 
another, suggested by Mr. Sandford, for inhibiting loans for improve- 
ments, except with the consent of the landlord, was rejected by a 
larger majority, and the debate was again adjourned. And as every 
Irish result has to be explained afterwards, it is fair to say that these 
decisions must be understood with the aid of explanations which mean 
that the divisions did not exactly mean what they seemed to mean— 
for further particulars apply to Lord Naas, whose business it is to 
seem to understand the matter. 

Tuesday. We had a debate, originated by Mr. Trevelyan (the 
Competition Wallah), on the Purchase of Army Commissions. That 
gentleman stated the case against the system very fairly, and moved 
a resolution condemnatory of it. Sir John Parington, War Minister, 
in opposing the motion, admitted that the mover had a strong case, 
and Lord Hartington said that the system was full of anomalies and 
evils, but its abolition was surrounded with difficulties. It occurs to 
Mr. Punch that he has— or does his fine memory deceive him — heard 
this kind of answer once or twice before when reforms have been sug- 
gested. Mr. Trevelyan was complimented by the official and ex- 
official swells, and asked to withdraw his motion, but he acknowledged 
the compliment, and pressed the motion, and was defeated by 116 to 
75. The numbers in the House (191 out of 657) either showed the 
profound interest the Members take in one of the most important 
questions of the day, or their certainty that officialism would effectually 
prevent any present action. 

Listen to this. We voted £402,000, as a trifle on account of the 
expenses of the new Palace of Law. You may like to know, also, that 
lever and pickaxe are hard at work amid the dirty old houses behind 
the left of the Strand, and that among others a den once consecrated 
by a visit paid by our most religious and gracious King, Old Rowley, 
(we may guess his Majesty's errand) has gone down before the in- 
vading navvies. 

Wednesday. In the absence of a theme for the usual theological set-to 
of Wednesday, we had a couple of speeches on Communication between 
Railway Passengers and Guards. Mr. H. B. Sheridan will accept 
our best thanks for forcing the subject on Parliamentary notice. He 
had a Bill for compelling the compauies to make the necessary arrange- 
ments. It was, of course, opposed by Government, with the usual 
pleas— the best being that we might as well see what the Royal Com- 
mission would report on the subject. Mr. Cave seemed to think that 
a personal insult was cast at the directors by the attempt to make them 
take cure of the lives of their customers. Well, so there was, and they 



deserve it, and Mr. Punch means to insult them a little more, until 
they shall all have adopted some contrivance for the security of man- 
kind 1 hey are ready enough to rush at any device for preventing 
tickets from being tampered with, or second classers getting into lirM,- 
class carriages, but they, mostly, evince a strange want of interest in 
something we care a great deal more about. 

Mil Graves presented a petition in favour of his Bill for rculatin"- 
public houses. It was signed, he said, by 82,182 persons, "but Mr. 
Punch who immediately went to the table to count, could only after 
going through the sum five times, make it more than 82,lS0*but he 
does not think it necessary to accuse Mr. Graves of wilful mis-state- 
ment After this, he withdrew his Bill, because Government had 
threatened to oppose it, and had also promised to look into the question 
next year— perhaps rather a safe promise, certain circumstances 
considered. 

.While on the subject of public houses, Mr. Punch desires, in the 
kindliest spirit he is sure, to ask a question. There was to have beeii 
a great prize-fight the other day. It did not come off, an Irish giant 
who was to have been one of the combatants, was out of the way. 
Never mind that. Mr. Roberts, landlord of a well-known public 
house, bo dly writes to the papers, defending Gigas and saying that 
he himself was the chief supporter of that party. He dates from his 
inn, in which we hope he will not take less ease when Mr. Punch shall 
nave asked, firstly, whether it is a lawful thing to promote a fight, and 
second y whether licensing magistrates have anything to say to 
victuallers who encourage such things P Because it appears to Mr 
Punch that to refuse the licence of some little publican who has 
allowed a game of whist, and to concede it to a big publican who 
avows that he has been specially active in getting up a scene of 
brutal blackguardism is thoroughly English in its absurd incon- 
sistency. 

Thursday. The Lords met. Mr. Punch is happy to say that Lord 
Derby s gout has retired, and has left him so well that he was able not 
only to attend in his place and make Luxemburg explanations, but to 
endure deputations from Working-Men's Conservative Associations. 
We hear that these Conservative artisans were singularly well dressed, 
tor provincials, and that the perfumes on their cambric were of a very 
good cla,ss. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Lord Derby and Mr. Disraeli 
did not laugh, however, until they heard the street-door shut behind 
tue Conservative Working-Men. 

Then Ladies (persons, we mean,) and Gentlemen, the Committee on 
the rtelorm Bui sat again. 

Last time we chronicled a Government victory. That is not exactly 
the story we have now to tell. 

Lord Grosvenor withdrew his amendment in favour of a £5 Rating 
franchise, but declared his anxiety to make the Bill a good one. 

Mr Ayrton moved the second of Mr. Gladstone's abandoned (we 
mean forsaken) amendments— that for doing away with the two years' 
residence, and lor making it one year. 

Government through Pakington and Karslake opposed the 
amendment —Mr. Bass supported it, and spoke up with effervescence 
in favour ot the lea Room. Mr. Bright supported Mr. Ayrton. 

On division, Government was beaten by 278 to 197—81. 

Mr. Disraeli demanded time to consult his colleagues. It was 
conceded. 

Friday. The night was much wasted in debate about the meeting 
which Beales and his accomplices insisted on holding in Hyde Park. 
The Queen's Government protested against it, Mr. Gladstone most 
earnestly entreated the League not to hold it, Mr. Thomas Hughes, a 
Leaguer, did all in his power to prevent it. Mr. Bright and Mr. 
Peter Taylor encouraged it. These proceedings "make people 
think of several things," as Mr. Carlyle says. 

Mr. Disraeli, having consulted his colleagues, regretted the de- 
cision of the Committee on the previous night, and did not think it 
inconsistent with his duty to defer to that decision. In one of Mr. 
Planciie's burlesques, written in days when play-goers understood 
wit, a King mentions an opinion which he had stated : 

" Prime Minister. You did, my liege, and I agreed with you. 
" King. Uncompromising man, you always do." 

Mr. Walpole brought in a Bill for punishing any persons who 
should hold any sort of meeting in the Parks without the permission 
of the Queen. 



Robin Hood's Riflemen. 



On Monday evening last week there was held at the Drill-room, 
Nottingham Castle, the Annual Meeting of the Robin Hood Rifles. 
The name of this corps is remarkable. The weapons of Robin Hood 
and his merry men were, to be sure, bows and arrows, but travellers 
with purses to lose, who fell in their way, used generally to find that 
their expertness in archery was even surpassed by their dexterity in 
rifling. 



192 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Mat 11, 1867. 




BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT. 

Edith. " Now, Tommy, you keep Turning slowly, till we've Done it all round.' 



SOLVITUR ABERRANDO; 

OR, WALPOLES WANDERINGS. 

Oh, weep for the hour 

When Home Secretary's power 
To the man of tears and terrors, Spencer Walpole, came, 

The clerks were puzzled quite, 

And Waddington waxed white, 
At first for consternation, then red for shame. 

A Sec we may have soon, 

Who to quite another tune 
Would handle blatant Beales if to conference he came ; 

But none will see the day 

When the stain will pass away 
Which the tears for Hyde Park railings left on Walpole's name. 

When Wager took the life 

Of his miserable wife, 
And deserved, if ever murderer deserved, to swing, 

Walpole clapped his veto's check 

'Twixt the gallows and his neck, 
And mercy's self to disrepute contrived to bring. 

Then the Toomer business lay, 

Like a rat-trap in the way, 
For Walpole to get caught in, till Waddington quite swore : 

His chief so blundered in't, 

Both in and out of print, 
You 'd have thought it quite impossible to blunder more. 

First, the verdict he 'd respect ; 

Then, the proofs he would dissect ; 
Till, at last 'twixt would and wouldn't, he wandered to the light : 

But his reasons when we get 

Why the verdict he upset, 
We find he had wrong reasons for doing what was right ! 



To be now right, now wrong, 

To mortals doth belong ; 
If Humanum est errare, then Walpole 's twice a man ; 

With the best intent, we know, 

Wrong he still contrives to go, 
The most persistent bungler since bungling first began. 



EXTRAORDINARY ATTRACTION. 

Mr. Punch, 

A Play-house Advertisement takes me mightily. It gives 
out that ■. — 

THE SATYR is the title of a New Ballet Divertissement at the 

J- Lyceum Theatre, in which the extraordinary dancer, M. Espinosa, will make 
his fifth appearance in London these fiye years ; Mdlle. Sophie and a numerous 
Corps de Ballet. 

I suppose M. Espinosa, the extraordinary dancer, is to play the 
character the Ballet is named after. It is no doubt very proper that 
he who plays a dancing Satyr should be an extraordinary dancer ; and 
truly, methinks to do it well he ought to be a very extraordinary dancer 
indeed. I do mean to go, if I can get away, and see M. Espinosa 
dance. If, as I suppose, he act the Satyr, his dancing cannot but be 
extraordinary if he do it right; and the rather because while other 
dancers trip it, as the saying is, on the light fantastique toe, a Satyr must 
needs trip it on his hoofs ; which is more fantastique. I long to see 
M. Espinosa with Mdlle. Sophie dance as a Satyr among the corps 
de ballet, and expect the dancing to be mighty pretty, and most extra- 
ordinary, and myself to be pleased and delighted with it more than I 
ever was with anything in my life almost ; for nothing ever did or doth, 
I think, please me so much as extraordinary dancing such as I do 
imagine a Satyr's would be. It is very strange that I should continue 
to like such things just as much as I ever did in the flesh, and perhaps 
more ; and I very much admire your new Table, and the fair Medium 
you get this communication by from g p ErY s. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— May 11, 1867. 




THE POLITICAL TAILORS. 



Dizzy. "NOW, THEN, GLADSTONE, JUMP UP !— YOU PROMISED TO LEND A HELPING HAND, YOU KNOW." 
Gladstone. " NO, I 'M 'ON STRIKE ; ' AND YOU MAY FINISH THE JOB AS YOU BEST CAN." 



Mat 11, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



195 



LANGUAGE 



LEGISLATION. 

hilom, in the good old middle 
ages, the King of England 
used to keep a fool. The 
Parliament appears to have 
been unprovided with any 
such officer. That, however, 
is what can by no means be 
said of the contemporary 
Legislature. Read the fol- 
lowing extract from a statute 
passed in the present reign, 
enacting : — 

" That where a justice shall 
adjudge the defendant to be im- 
prisoned, and he shall then be in 
prison undergoing imprisonment 
for some other offence, it shall be 
lawful for the justices to order 
that the imprisonment for the 
subsequent offence shall com- 
mence after the former term has 
expired." 

Now, who but a fool, and 
a very great fool, could pos- 
sibly have composed such be- 
wildering nonsense as that? 
No wonder that a prisoner, 
sentenced under the Act 
which it is quoted from, appealed to the Queen's Bench, and that 
the construction of the foregoing jumble puzzled the learned Judges, 
with Lord Chief Justice Cockburn at their head. The Act in 
question is called " Jervis's Act," and when it passed one would think 
that Jervis must have held the situation above suggested as existing 
in connection with modern Parliaments. But the composition of un- 
meaning statutes is no fun, and the Collective Wisdom, to word its 
decrees, ought to employ somebody who is not a fool. 




THE BOTANY OE THE CHIGNON. 

{Exclusive of the Daucus carota.) 

The form of the female pigtail, or chignon, is more remarkable than 
elegant. Unlike that of its masculine original, it approaches the 
globular. The remark which it accordingly suggests is, that the 
chignon in shape somewhat resembles the globe. The internal resem- 
blance of the chignon to the earth is even greater than that presented 
by its exterior. In a list of publications, just out, occurs the subjoined 
advertisement, as interesting in a scientific as in a fashionable point of 
view : — 

" Tfik CntriNON Fungus.— Its Life, History, and Development, with fifteen illus- 
trations, drawn from living specimens under the microscope, showing the various 
stages of its growth. By Dr. Tilburv Pox. See Science Gossip for May." 

Science Gossip is published by Mr. Hardwtcke of Piccadilly ; so the 
gossip may be safely taken as truly scientific on trust. Not only, then, 
is the chignon like this planet as regards figure, but it is a little world 
in itself; a world that teems with life. A philosophic foreign naturalist 
had already discovered in the chignon minute organisations belonging 
to the animal kingdom. Dr. Tilbury Fox has now augmented British 
Zoology, by demonstrating the existence of vegetable structures also 
in that fashionable ornament of the feminine occiput. The chignon is 
proved not only to be tlie habitation of aniraalcular forms of being, but 
also to abound with fungous growths. In addition to the " gregarine " 
there is the "chignon fungus." We naturally associate the idea of 
these tiny productions with that of the dainty folk 



and of them that 



" Whose sport 
13 to make midnight mushrooms ;" 



THE STRIKE OE ARMY-SURGEONS. 

Concession of the Employers. 

There is now some prospect of the relief of that surgical destitu- 
tion which the British Army has been so long groaning under, in con- 
sequence of the gross deception, in the matter of a certain Royal 
Warrant, practised on its medical officers by authority at Head- 
Quarters. The attention of medical gentlemen will have been capti- 
vated by the following statement in the British Medical Journal: — 

" Concessions to the Army Medical Service. — We are able to announce on 
excellent authority that the recommendations for improving the relative rank, and 
otherwise ameliorating the social position of the medical officers of the Army, which 
were made by the committee, have been accepted by the War-Office, and will be 
embodied in the consolidated and revised book of warrants which will shortly be 
issued. The warrant just issued, referring to the pay of medical officers, and 
granting the scale advised, together with a further improvement of pay in the in- 
spectorial ranks, was published separately, in order that the change might begin 
with the financial year at the commencement of ApriX" 

When the next first of April comes, let us hope that any Surgeons 
who shall have entered the Army on the faith of the warrant just issued, 
will not find themselves in the position into which ingenuous simplicity 
is apt on that day to betray confiding minds. But a profession capable 
of being twice taken in, would be foolish in a degree far below the folly 
of mere April fools. Never again, your Royal Highness, never again ! 
The British Medical Journal expresses hope that the moment of popu- 
larity for the medical service of the Army is not far distant. Mistrust, 
too well grounded, may, however, postpone it indefinitely. Its arrival 
might possibly be accelerated if the authority responsible for the revo- 
cation of the deceptive Warrant would come forward with a solemn 
and duly attested affidavit declaring that the promises held out in the 
one just issued, and in the warrants that remain to be issued, shall be 
religiously kept. The concessions at last plighted by the Horse Guards 
to the medical profession are all very fine ; but when they have answered 
their purpose, it is to be feared that they will be repudiated like " vows 
made in pain, as violent and void." The determined stand of the 
medical profession on its rights and its dignity has had the effect of 
making Head-Quarters give way ; but necessity alone has driven them 
to this. 



" By moonshine do the preen sour ringlets make, 
Whereof the ewe not bites." 

who, however, in fact are identical with the others ; for the " green 
sour ringlets," as everybody now knows, are circles, in which grow 
crops of funguses. It is perhaps allowable to say — 

In green sour ringlets grow champignons. 
But other funguses in chignons. 

The knowledge of this fact cannot but increase the popularity of 
those graceful embellishments, replete, as they may be imagined to be, 
with the creations of hairy sprites, funguses wrought by.fairy fingers. 



THE CHARMING CLUB. 



The Masters' Latin Primer. 
We denounce it. Mr. Punch had not looked at it until yesterday, 
when, condescending to open it, he found on the third page a direction 
to " drop rum in the first declension." It may be right to sweeten 
learning, but to habituate boys of tender years to the use of ardent 
spirits, is a crime. Cannot a declension be swallowed without having 
rum dropped into it ? We denounce the book. The Masters ought to 
be ashamed of themselves. 



Mr. Punch, Dear Sir, 

Permit me, on behalf of a numerous and highly-gifted body of 
your fairest admirers, to solicit a great favour at your hands. Will you 
do us the unspeakable honour of laying the foundation-stone of the 
" Charming Club," a Club, as you are aware, purely political, and com- 
posed of ladies only. 

Any day will suit us for the ceremony, and we only wait your 
gracious assent to give Messrs. Hunt and Roskell instructions 
for a golden trowel. If you would prefer a conference, a brilliant depu- 
tation will wait upon you at the Treasury, in Bride's Passage — say 
between two and four any morning, Wednesdays (of course) excepted, 
as on that day, I believe, you give audience only to the corps diplomatique. 

I have the honour to be, Dear Sir, 

Your obedient, humble, and obliged Servant, 
Harry Wild Rose, 
Lovegrove's. {Hon. Sec. to the Committee.) 



Little Rhymes for Little Rioters, 

If in faith of the fist 
Beales and Bradlaugh persist 
To claim rights, yet the test shun 
Of rights— legal question ; 
Then Bradlaugh and Beales 
Must be laid by the heels, 
Until Beales and Bradlaugh 
Learn Mob-law is bad law. 



Striking Suggestions. 

In consequence of the strike among the journeymen tailors, the 
usual regulations as to evening dress will be everywhere dispensed 
with. 

The attention of the Nobility and Gentry is respectfully directed to 
the restorative qualities of the Black and Blue Reviver. 

In view of ultimately possible eventualities, the Society of Ancient 
Britons is contemplating the extended cultivation of woad. 



198 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 11, 1867. 




BEWARE! 

podgers found that llebig's " extractum carnis " was uncommonly 
nice for Supper, and he'd nearly Finished his second Ten Shilling Pot. 
But one Morning he discovered — 



A PARODY UPON A PARASITE. 

Air—" The Ivy Green." 

Oh, a dainty nest hath the Gregarine, 

la many a chignon fair ; 
There snugly he hideth, for combs never clean 

The. purchased and alien hair. 
He plays unmolested the frisettes amid, 

Scarce, save by a microscope, seen : 
There he gambols at will, being easily hid, 
Like the fays on the moonlit green ! 
Chorus. 
Creeping where 'tis not quite clean, 
A parasite gay is the Gregarine. 

He crosseth the ocean, this roamer gay, 

Of a dainty dwelling in quest ; 
And on many a head will he couch on his way, 

Ere he findeth a quiet nest. 
On the skull of a serf he was cradled, may be, 

In a foul-smelling Russian back-slum : 
Whence, brought to bedeck English beauty, did he 
With hosts of his relatives come ! 
Chorus. 
Creeping where 'tis rarely clean, 
A parasite sleek is the Gregarine ! 

But, tho' lowly his birth, a free entrance he gains 

To the highest society here ; 
On the Queen of the Eashion, in Mayfair who reigns, 

He dwells, where no foe need he fear. 
Snug he sleeps in the chignon which, tho' it be false, 

Brainless Beauty thinks proper to wear : 
Till he 's waked by the whirl of a galop, or valse, 
When he dances himself in mid hair. 
Chorus. 
Creeping where 'tis seldom clean, 
A parasite rare is the Gregarine ! 



The Muscovites on the Motherbank. 

The other day the Imperial Russian squadron, under 
the command of Rear-Admiral Kern, having recently 
returned to Europe from the North Pacific, anchored at 
the Motherbank, off Ryde. Eancy the Russians in the 



[The unfortunate man is in an asylum. I Solent ! It is like their insolence 



PUNCH TO PRESIDENT. 

Dear Sir Francis, 

I understand that by your rules, as lately amended, it is 
open to the Academy to extend indefinitely the number of Associates. 
I congratulate you on the wide opening thus made for the infusion 
of new blood into the veins of the Academic body. Rntre nous, with 
all the rising or risen talent already included in your ranks, you want a 
good deal more to counteract the dead-weight of some half dozen of 
your body, who can't paint, and have not the good sense to give up 
exhibiting the proofs of it. 

But it is especially in landscape that you must be anxious for the 
transfusion into the Corpus Academicum of a fresh tap from the body 
of outsiders. Creswick is very well, but toujours Creswick. is tire- 
some ; and he is the only landscape painter left in the Academy, now 
Lee is painted out, and Stanfield, full of years and honour, is on the 
point of giving up the brush. 

I cannot doubt, looking at the Exhibition just opened, that the 
Academy will hasten to welcome into its pale H. W. B. Davis, Mason, 
Peter Graham, T. and J, Linnell, Vicat Cole, and B. Leader. 

I know, too, what pleasure it gives the forty to recognise, in the 
son of an old member, a revival of some of the purest and sweetest 
qualities of his father's genius. This will, no doubt, make you eager 
to open your doors to G. D. Leslie, whose pictures this year are 
hardly, if at all, less delightful than his last year's Clarissa. 

St. John's Wood is already so strongly represented among you, that 
a high-toned anxiety to resist all appearance of partiality or per- 
sonal influence can alone explain your non-admission of Mr. Wyn- 
field, the painter of Cromwell's Deathbed, while the proverbial reluct- 
ance of the Scotch to stand by each other, probably accounts for your 
not yet having held out the hand of associateship to Mr. J. Archer 
and Mr. Orchardson. 

But in one conspicuous case of merit this year, the fear of yielding 
whether to personal or national partisanship, cannot come into play. 
I refer to the case of Mr. E. J. Poynter. Aware, as I am, of the 



eager anxiety of the Academy to do honour to research, thought, and 
the highest technical acquirements wherever it can find them, I am 
delighted to think that you have such an excellent opportunity for 
showing how you esteem these qualities, by at once electing Mr. 
Poynter an Associate, for his most scholar-like, well-composed, well- 
drawn, and well-painted picture of The Sphynx. 

If you don't, 1 shall know it is because you like your little joke, and 
see an opening for one apropos of Mr. Poynter's subject. 

The public will naturally ask, " Why don't you make him an Asso- 
ciate ? " and you will say, "Ask the Sphynx." 

You see the allusion. If you don't, ask Leighton, and he will 
explain it to you. He is up in Lempriere and the Classics. 

Congratulating you on an excellent Exhibition, which would be still 
better if it could be weeded of the works of a few of our friends whom 
I need not mention more particularly, 

I remain, dear Sir Erancis, 

Yours ever most truly, 

Sir F. Grant, P.R.A., 8,-c., 8fc, $c. 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Classic Cuss.— No. The Musical statue was at Thebes, but the 
Greeks did not erect a monument to Harmonium and Aristogeiton, 
nor is it more likely that it was Aristogeiton with his Harmonium. 

Right U.R.— Pawnbrokers do as a rule live in Hampshire. The 
reason is obvious, says a Cockney Correspondent, as Huncles are fond 
of Hants. 

Sweep Steaks.— Old May day was originally celebrated as the Festival 
of Ladies over a certain age. It was written " Old Maid Day." The 
custom has been abolished in most English villages. 

Scotch Numbers.— True : what 's one thing in one place is another 
somewhere else. What a tourist is told in England that he should see 
first when going North, is the Forth when he reaches Scotland. 



May 11, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



197 




ART-CRITICISM IN GLOBULES. 

(For Visitors to the National Portrait Exhibition.) 

et us go to South Ken- 
sington. : Not Cole's 
branch, but Sketchley's. 
See the portraits, I mean 
second batch, from 1688 
to 1S00. 

Worst time of English 
Politics, and best time of 
English Art and Liter- 
ature. 

More knaves and fools 
in stars and garters, more 
English* poets,' essayists, 
historians, dramatists, 
worth reading, more 
English painters worth 
studying, than iu the 
same number of years in 
any century, bar none. 

Look at Montrose, 
" Bonny Dundee." This 
is the true portrait. — 
fierce, scornful, beautiful. 
"No others are genuine." 
Look at William's Dutchmen — big-headed, broad-j awed, keen, close 
men. Even Kneller couldn't take the bone and grit out of them. 

Kneller wasn't such a muff, after all. He was the best painter of 
a bad school. His Governor Pitt is a good picture : one understands 
how Chathams and William Pitts came of those strong loins. 

Kneller's Kit cats are worth looking at. But the snobs among 
them are better than the nobs. None is so good as Jacob Tonson. 

Kit Catt is an ideal of mine host, but it isn't Kit Catt at all, nor 
Kneller's, but another tavern-keeper by another painter. The picture 
is engraved with the real man's name. I '11 tell it you, when Mr. W. 
Smith tells me, as he has promised to do. 

Look at the Old Pretender, and you '11 understand why the Stuarts 
were kicked out, and couldn't get back again. It is the face of a 
peevish, fussy, deplorable old woman. Not a possibility of revolution 
in that long-drawn, lugubrious mug. 
Charlie is a shade better, but only a shade. 

Don't look at Flora Macdonald, if you don't want a disillusion. 
High cheek-bones, complexion that calls up ideas of east wind and 
sour milk, and a suggestiveness of raw bones and broad Scotch about 
the ensemble. 

li you want to know what asses were the Art-Critics of a century 
ago (till Punch came), read what they say about Hogarth, and then 
look at his pictures. 

I have been on my knees to his little Miss Rich an hour a-day 'since 
the Gallery opened. Yes, sir, — 

" I have been there, and still would go, 
'Tis like a little heaven below 1 " 

She is simply a blue-eyed angel in a mob-cap, and she is as much 
alive for me now, as she was for Hogarth a hundred years ago ; and 
in all those hundred years she has not grown an hour older. Bless her 
prettv turn-up nose, and her clear blue eyes, and her fresh little 
moutli, breathing roses and violets and the innocence of sweet sixteen. 

N.B.— I am aware this is woman-worship, and not art-criticism. 

Revenons a nos moutons. 

Said muttons are the idiots who have gone" on'repeating, one after 
another, that Hogarth had no sense of beauty, and that Hogarth 
couldn't paint. 

Look at his Miss Rich, for an answer to the one imbecility, and at 
his Sarah Malcolm (opposite), and Ms Bishop Hooper (a few bays before), 
for the lie direct to the other. 

Hogarth was immeasurably the best portrait-painter between Van- 
dyke and Reynolds, and nobody ever painted a pretty woman with a 
finer relish. 

How about Sir Joshua and Gainsborough ? 

I hardly know. 

Sir Joshua never painted anything so wonderful for air and space 
and gradation, as this Lord Mendip ot Gainsborough, or this head of 
Mrs. G. in the lace pinners and black mantilla. 

But I am inclined to think Sir Joshua has revealed more characters 
of men, more lovelinesses of children, more graces of women, than any 
painter who ever painted. 

Still Gainsborough has done some wonders in his art which 
were beyond Sir Joshua. 

His Lord Mendip looks like flesh and blood standing in air ; Sir 
Joshua's Lord Mansfield, beside it, like paint on canvas. 
* Qi'try, by a devil of Elizabethan proclivities. 



And yet Lord Mansfield's is a noble portrait. 

But who, now-a-days, will embody for me on canvas a vision of fair 
women like Sir Joshua's Lady Lincoln at the harp, or his Lady Powis 
walking in her park, in white-sprigged mantua, and broad blue beaver, 
or his Countess Spencer in bridal white muslin, and simple straw hat, 
or his earnest and gracious Lady Beaumont in black mantilla, or the 
sweet smiling girlishness of the Jessamy Bride, endeared to us by the 
memory of Goldsmith, as well as her own loveliness and loveableness, 
or the arch smile and laughing eyes of Little Comedy ? 

By this time 1 feel transported out of the regions of art-criticism 
altogether. Similia similibus ! For a cure, I must flin<r away my art 
globules, and treat myself with homoeopathic doses of female love- 
liness. I have only to look at the ladies instead of the pictures. 
Header, go thou and don't do likewise ! 



A NEW CHURCH-ORGAN WANTED. 

Revered Punch, 

Apropos des bottes, and of sandals, albs and tunicles, it strikes 
me that our Church is in want of a new Organ. You don't quite 
seem to see it F Well, then permit me to remind you that " organ " 
is in these days a synonym for " newspaper," and now I think you 
will see clearly what this novum organum should be. Besides the 
amiable Record, there are several journals extant for reflecting and 
discussing the doctrines of the Church, but there is not one devoted to 
description of its dresses. Surely, now that millinery is thought of so 
much in the church militant — I am tempted to say, millinerytant, and 
I yield to the temptation, — surely now there is a sore need of a journal 
like Le Follet, to describe the latest fashions in vogue with reverend 
swells. If, like some weak-minded women, Mother Church has set 
her heart upon seeing her sons gorgeously and splendidly arrayed, 
there should clearly be a journal to inform her what the fashions are, 
and to describe the newest novelties {invented by church milliners, for 
adornment of the parsons, priests and pillars of the Church. 

Financially, the Church Follet must prove a great success. Among 
the ladies it would certainly command a ready sale, and old women (of 
both sexes) would read it with delight. They would be charmed to 
hear the details, let us say, of Convocation, described as the Church 
Follet picturesquely would report them, stating how one prelate wore a 
sweet thing in dalmatics, while another came out grandly in a bran new 
blue silk tunicle, and sported a green velvet cassock of quite a novel 
cut. Imagine, too, the rapture of young ladies at finding a delightful 
account in the Church Follet of the vestments which were worn by the 
Reverend Alb Chasuble, on the memorable occasion when he was 
privately presented with a 'pair of satin sandals, embroidered by the 
fingers of the fairest of his flock. 

Merely throwing out the notion as one worthy to receive your serious 
attention (although I fear it is provocative of somewhat comic treat- 
ment) believe me yours in all humility, where the Bishops are concerned, 

Ebenezer Broadgrin. 



VOLUNTEER CORPS OF INVINCIBLES. 

Dear Mr. Punch, 

Military men are at this moment sitting down to a careful 
study of the multiplication table. (I am not now at Miss Tinklekey's 
Establishment for young Ladies, so don't be surprised at my knowing 
something about public affairs.) To put our Army on a firm footing 
many sensible schemes have been devised by parties conversant with 
that particular business, from the simple fact of their being in the line. 
A reserve force has been suggested. 

Our dear country has sufficient Brothers — but why should she not 
also have — Sisters — in arms ? I know many very pretty girls who can- 
not sing without real emotion that little heart-stirring ballad ending — 

" If an array of Amazons e'er came in my way, 
Like a dashing white sergeant I 'd march away." 

I'feel sure that their patriotic aspirations would meet with approving 
smiles from our illustrious commander-in-chief. A gallant Irish Major 
once told me that nothing looks so killing as a lady in laurels. We 
ought to remember that the eyes of Europe are upon us now we are 
agitating for electoral rights, and if England expects every man to do 
his duty, we ought to be prepared to do ours. 

Is a recruiting officer not as handsome as a returning officer ? (I 
never saw a returning officer. Does he wear a, pink sash, and when he 
is returning, does he ride or walk ?) On a show of hands would not 
our candidate be greatly encouraged if his charming supporters showed 
that with respect to needle-guns as well as needles, they were capable 
of holding their own ? Veteran heroes, I believe, look upon a battle 
as a mere bagatelle, and you won't be startled when I assure you that 
I am perfectly familiar with the sound of a cannon-ball. Indeed, entre 
nous, I have often made a cannon when Papa couldn't. ! how dearly 
I should like to fire one. Ever ever -y 0lirS) 

Popplelon. Jenny Rataplan. 



198 



i>UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[May 11, 1867. 



HUNTING THE WILD BOAR. 




A Respectable Gentleman, desiring a little 
Emotion, decides to Hunt the Wild Bo«r. 



He finds it already rather Exciting — A8, 
instead of Hunting, he is Hunted. 



Position full of Emotion 




The Exciting Four Sounder*, hut bking satisfied with a Coufie 
op Coat-tails, become in a furious haqe. 



Result, and Return of the Great Nimrod. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Hollord Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerken well, in the County or Middlesex , at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans. *Oo., Lombard 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriare, in the City of London, and Published by blm at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— Saturbat, May 11,1867. 



Mat 18, 1867.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



199 



TRUTH AT THE ACADEMY DINNER. 

TJDE people attack the Academy Dinner— declare it is a wrong 
expenditure of the Academy funds, a tribute to flunkeyism, 
and an occasion for snobbishness, an example of the worst 
features of public dinnerism, in a case where those features 
should find no countenance, with the Arts for hosts, and the 
Eminences and Celebrities for guests. 

But the fact is, the thing is misunderstood, owing to a 
shameful mystification preached by the press. Reporters are not 
now admitted. In order to conceal their humiliation at the 
exclusion, the morning papers have connived at the publication 
of a mock report of the speeches at the dinner, founded on 
the sort of thing that used to be said there ; but is now, happily, 
and thanks to the influences which have brought about both 
Parliamentary and Academic Reform, out of date. 

The fact is, that dry fact and candid experience are now the 
standing dishes of the Academic dessert; that the toasts of the 
day are drunk, not in more or less questionable vintages, but in 
the tonic waters from the well of truth, decanters of which, with 
" bitter cups " for quaffing it from, are placed on the tables as 
soon as the cloth is removed, and the Academicians and their 
guests are left to their own reflections in the Academic 
mahogany, which is polished, for these occasions, as bright as 
a mirror, expressly that hosts and visitors may see themselves 
as they are. 

We have been requested by the Council — naturally indignant 
at the fictitious report in the morning journals, which puts into 
the mouths of those who proposed and those who responded to 
the toasts of the day, exactly the same fulsome and unmeaning 
rigmarole of compliments and congratulations which used to 
go down in times of less sincerity and straightforward